Original subtitles

Hey, do you have any of that, um,

poisonous deodorant in your bag?

I do, but if you're just gonna throw it away,

I'll give you the cheap stuff.

I stayed at Tanzy's last night,

and I don't have time to go home and shower before work.

Wait, wait, wait.

Are we on the walk of shame right now?

You know what? We are.

Don't get excited. It's casual.

Guys, will you wait for me?

I have a pebble in my shoe.

Oh, my God!

Calm down. What's happening? Wow.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I just got flashed!

What, really? Is this your first one?

That man in the tan trench --

He just showed me his ding-a-ling.

Oh. What is he working with?

I don't know! I didn't look at it.

I think he might be European.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

♪♪

♪ Hey!

I mean, I just assumed that Brian would want me to plan it.

It's Lila's first birthday without her mother.

Plus, I have that relationship with Party City.

Well, maybe he doesn't want a lecture

on how piñatas are culturally insensitive.

I mean, it's just papier-mâché with candy up the butt.

Yeah, well, to you it is.

Are my birthday parties bad?

There's too much cheese.

I would never serve cheese. It sweats.

No, not you. Jodie. Um, um, Donna.

Things are blowing up here.

Okay, and do you think that this flan looks like

it's ready to just go close the show?

I-I'm not in charge of dyeing the fake food to perfection.

That's above my pay grade.

You know, maybe I'm being too sensitive about the party.

Here we go.

Honey caramel hair spray. Have at it.

I think it's just because I'm in a mood

because I gained four pounds since last week.

No, you're gorgeous. Oh!

I was so close to my goal weight.

I had thigh gap and everything.

That's too much. You're gorgeous.

And now my affair with Matt is put off till TBD.

I can't even fit into the leggings

I want him to rip off of me and throw across the room

in reckless abandon.

Um, what are you getting Lila for her birthday?

Can I piggyback on your gift?

Oh, yeah, sure. No, I got her this great,

fun, educational --

Oh, my God, no. Stop, stop.

I want her to like me. Never mind.

Ugh! I've gotta go.

I wrote "thigh gap" on my calendar.

Listen, I know that you know, but I just have to say,

please don't tell anybody about this thing with Matt,

even though it's TBD.

Who am I gonna tell?

Come on. Bye.

Woman: Hello?

Coleen?

It's Devon.

Is, um -- Is Coleen -- Is she there?

Uh, I think you have the wrong number.

Well, it's in mycontacts, so maybe you're --

Maybe you're at the wrong number.

I just got this phone for my 16th birthday.

Well, happy birthday. You got my dead friend's number.

Oh, yuck.

Yeah. Yeah, "yuck" is right.

I am going to figure this out,

and I'm gonna call you right back.

Why?

Because you have my dead friend's number.

Oh, yeah. I gave up the plan.

You gave up the plan?

What is wrong with you?

Well, she's not exactly using it anymore, is she?

Well, I'm using it.

I mean, I-I-I call and leave her messages.

I update her on everything.

I talk smack with her.

She loves it. Can you please get it back?

Can't you just try talking up to the heavens like everyone else?

Oh, grow up, Brian! There's nobody up there!

I need a voicemail, and I need a beep.

Flax twist? Mm.

No, flax is not my thing.

But you have it. Oh, for me?

Little bit -- Little --

Eat the damn dirt stick!

You know, that could have gone either way.

There was a scenario where he wanted to be involved in this,

by the way.No.

Rudy would never stay.

He hates the human condition.

You know, I did, too.

But you're the first person who hasn't disgusted me in solong.

Babe! It's true.

Oh! Thank you.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, shoot. What?

I have to help my friend

with his kid's birthday party tonight.

What? You were supposed to come over.

I know. I forgot. I have the apartment to myself.

It's really rare that all seven roommates

are out at the same time.

Okay, Snow White, I'll come after.

Okay. Okay.

Cool.

♪ Ion have your number, I ain't save it ♪

♪ New phone, who dis?

Um...

abduction is when you pull towards the midline of the body.

Nope. Away.

You pull away from the midline.

I'm so sorry. I'm just -- I'm --

I'm really in my head today.

What's wrong?

It's kind of you to pretend that I'm not wearing an ankle sock

and a crew sock that I've pushed down to look like an ankle sock.

Never would have noticed.

It's just -- It's embarrassing, you know?

I mean, you're -- You're this perfect woman,

and everything about you is so beautiful,

and I can't even find two socks that go together.

You should see my room. It is so unorganized.

You know, I got so many cool clothes for Christmas.

I can't find any of them.

I loveorganizing.

I mean, I could come over and help you...

if you want, of course.

Really? You -- I mean, you'd do that for me?

Well, yeah. Well, I mean, I have a project

that just fell through, so I have the time.

Plus, I can get all the stuff.

I have a relationship with Storage Surplus, so...

Wow. Lucky Storage Surplus.

Hey, Devon.

It's Amy from before --

The one with the dead friend.

So, listen, Coleen was my best friend,

and I've been calling this number every day

for the past 20 years, and even though she's gone now,

I still -- I still call her, you know,

to keep her in the loop and update her on things,

and it's kind of my way of -- Of keeping her alive.

I mean, it's cheesy. I-I know.

And I'm -- I'm -- I'm ridiculous.

But I just -- I would love to get this number.

I would love to keep this number, you know?

I'm sure you can understand.

Hey, so, I-I know that you kids today

probably don't, you know, check your voicemail.

So I'm just leaving this, uh, message to let you know

that I'm gonna -- I'm gonna just shoot you a text.

You didn't respond to my text,

but I saw the bubble, so I know you got it.

Um... what's going on here, Devon?

Hey, Devon.

Hey, Devon.

Hey, Devon.

Hey, Devon. It's Amy.

Uh, look, you really don't want this number.

I mean, Coleen was verynice to telemarketers.

Hey. It's Amy.

Hey, Devon.

What up, girrrrrl?!

What else?

She was the kind of friend that even if you got in a huge fight,

she wouldn't let you leave the house in an outfit

that made you look like trash.

I mean, if you have one friend like that... Hon?

In your entire life --You doing okay?

Just go! Go, go, go.

No, no, no. Where are you going?

Male voice: Mailbox is full.

Oh, come on.

Can you please just help me

get Col's number back from this random teenager?

I know it's hard,

but maybe you should think about letting the number go?

Just call Jodie or Sarah.

No. Th-- I need to talk aboutthem, and you.

Come on, Henry.

Can't one of them help you get the number back?

Sarah can be terrifying when she wants to be.

They don't know that I call her, okay?

I don't want them copying me.

Can't you just, like,

call Devon and offer her some money

or beer or molly?

Well, I'm not gonna call a teen girl and offer her drugs.

You see the problem there, right?

Yeah, yeah, yes. Fine, fine.

You know what? I'll just have Donna do it.

It'll give her someone new to cyber-stalk.

She's run out of Kardashians.

Look what I got at Storage Surplus.

Sock clips. They'll never be apart again.

So, what do you say

we spice up our sexy times tonight?

Is it Tuesday already?

Maybe we try something different this week.

Like moving sex to Wednesdays?

I bowl on Wednesdays.

Oh, he's her stepbrother.

They're not related by blood, so it's okay.

Stepsibling genre has really cornered the market.

Alright. This is my favorite part.

Watch.

Stepsister: Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Now, why did he eat all of her cereal?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Oh, yeah. Now, that'smy type.

She's blond.

Natural one.

Stepbrother: She's home. Now you're in trouble.

Ugh. Gross.

I mean, no way she's the mom. She's 25.

I'm gonna put -- put this away

in the... bathroom.

Oh, yeah. Eat that cereal, blondie.

The story doesn't make sense!

♪♪

Oh, and the, uh,

"So sorry about your wife, Brian."

Ugh. The head tilt. Yeah.

"Mm. Oh, Sarah,

how are you holding up since the divorce, huh?"

Ooh. The sympathetic pout.

Mm-hmm. Makes me violent. Yeah.

Hey, Brian, why didn't you ask Jodie to help you with this?

I'll tell you what. Here's the deal with Jodie --

She's a little much when it comes to parties.

No. Yeah.

You know, she always wants to have a theme. Mm.

I mean, pretty much this year, the theme is, uh,

"My wife died. Here's a goodie bag."

Yeah. Good move.

Are we all done here? 'Cause if we are, I'm gonna --

I'm gonna take off, if that's okay.

Yeah. Go have a night.

Alright. I'll be fine.

Um, okay.

Brian, what are these?

Oh, this is my sad attempt

at Coleen's Rice Krispie snowmen.

She had them on the party list.

Wasn't planning on having memake them,

but I think they turned out okay, though, right?

I think they're beautiful.

But why don't we just give them a zhuzh?

Just like a little... Uh...

They don't look sobad.

Don't want to put zhuzh on top of my zhuzh.

Over-zhuzh 'em.

♪ Farmers get snaky when their soft fruit gets ripe ♪

Alrighty. Let's fix this.

That girl is soneedy.

♪♪

Alright! This is where the magic happens.

Not really.

I love it.

Yeah.

Oh! You're so cute!

Oh, yeah. That -- That's at my uncle's gym.

Kind of runs in the family.

Oh!

So, you ready to see it?

The socks. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Okay.

They're just... right in here.

Oh. Fun. Yeah.

There's a lot of orphans in there, so sorry.

I got you. Okay.

Alright. Oh.

Um...

Okay. Okay.

Oh, I, uh...

I thought these were fun.

Oh, these are so much fun!

Aren't they fun?! Yes!

Look at these.

So -- These are amazing.

Do you just clip them together?

Yeah, they're little -- But they're little couples.

That's perfect.

Hand me your tube socks.

Oh. Uh, okay. Um...

There's one.

And there's two.

Um...

Give me your dress socks.

Um... oh, there's a good one.

Thanks.

Um, oh. Alright.

I'm four pounds away from my goal weight.

No, no, no, no. You're perfect.

Look at your muscle tone.

Those curtsy lunges you've been doing have really been working.

Oh!

If I had known this was gonna happen, I would have, uh,

worn better underwear.

Just gonna do something real quick.

♪♪

Nice.

Okay. You're about to burn a lot of calories,

so make sure you drink a lot of water today.

♪ Something happens and I'm head over heels ♪

♪ I never find out till I'm head over heels ♪

Oh. Oh!

♪ Something happens and I'm head over heels ♪

Oh! Oh! Okay.

♪ Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't throw it away ♪

Amy: Donna, are you sure this is the right place?

Donna: Just trust me.

That 5-foot-3-inches of ginger is there.

Bingo.

Gotcha, Red.

Apology accepted.

Devon.

We need to talk.

Um, okay. Who are you?

Are you someone's mom?

What, is that supposed to be an insult?

No. I'm Amy, the one with the dead friend whose number you stole.

Okay, you might recognize my voice

from the 100 messages I left you.

So, are you, like, stalking me?

Oh, get over yourself, Devon.

No. I had my assistant stalk you.

Look... this number means a lot to me,

so what's it gonna take?

I feel bad. I really want to help you.

Great.

Then we're done here. Let's go.

There's a -- There's a cellphone kiosk at the mall.

We can swap it out, and then we can celebrate

with a chair massage after.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I just gave my number to this really hot guy,

and he hasn't called me yet, so...

Okay, how long has it been?

Six days. Six days?

You're living in a dreamworld, honey.

If he hasn't called you by now, he's not gonna.

You don't know Kyle. He's in the Marines.

He's busy.

Girl: Still in play! Marines or not, I'm pretty sure

if you like someone, you make time to call them.

Okay. Right, ladies? You can back me up on this.

These are terrible friends. You have terriblefriends.

Kyle's in the Marines! He's busy, okay?

You believe that. Wow, wow, wow.

Coach: Can I help you, ma'am? Oh, that's sad. I'm going.

I am -- I'm going. But here's the thing --

He's never going to call you, okay?

Never.

So why don't you do yourself a favor

and grow up, gingerbread?

Ma'am. "Ma'am," yourself.

I'm going. Thank you.

Donna: Oh, my God. You know, you catch more flies with honey.

Amy: I know, I know. My -- My inner bully came out.

Just shut up, Donna.

Brian: Gifts in the gift pile.

Babies in the baby pile outside.

Amy: Oh. Jodie's educational gift.

Let's go outside.

Okay.

I warned those kids not to do flips on the mini-tramp.

Otherwise, they're gonna spend the rest of their lives

hooked up to machines.

Happy Lila's birthday.

Happy Lila's birthday!

Hey. Hey, green shirt, put that down.

I gotta go back outside.

Those balls are a choking hazard.

Yeah. You've always been against 'em.

Together: Happy Lila's birthday!

I need you.

Okay. I don't think your gift is big enough.

Where's Dan? Work emergency.

Oh, my God. Kidding. God, I know he hates us.

Something amazing happened, and now I'm freaking out!

What, what, what, what, what?

I had sex with Matt.

What?!

Oh, my God. Your affair is real.

I thought you were just a desperate housewife.

Wait. Why are you surprised? I said I was gonna do it.

I say I'm gonna kill myself every day.

I don't actually do it.

Now... was it good?

Like... "The Time Traveler's Wife."

It was magical!

I don't read.

Can you tell me if he gave me herpes?

I'm sorry. What? What? What? It's only been an hour.

How would I know what herpes looks like?

Well, because you went on the ski trip senior year.

I thought everybody got herpes.

No. It's a miracle I dodged it.

Can you? No. I gotta go get Sarah.

I gotta go get Sarah. She's an actual doctor. No, no, no, no, no! No.

Please, no.

She's gonna be so upset,

and I can't take that on top of the herpes.

Oh, God. Okay, no, I'm -- I'm --No, it could just be fleas!

I'm getting her. I'm getting her.

Ooh. Au naturel.

Why would you have herpes?

Who would have given you herpes?

Toilet seat. Dan.

He's very into stepsiblings with parents their same age,

and he likes blondes.

Okay. Nice, right?

What are you guys talking about? Hmm?

Amy? What, what?

Fine.

I slept with Matt.

But you can't be mad, because you love me unconditionally. Jodie!

- Not now! - Not a good time!

- Come on in. - We need our coats. The red one.

Okay. Alright. We need the, um -- the red, red, puffy vest.

There she is.

Okay.

Man: And my wife's is the purple wool.

Yeah. Alright, alright, alright.

And his wife had the purple wool --

Purple wo-- No, yeah. There it is. Great.

Suits you.

Uh, the door -- The door doesn't lock.

Well, they took the locks off after they had the baby.

Really? I did the opposite.

So, what do you think?

Do I have something communicable?

Well, let's see.

I think that it's Lila's birthday.

Her mother, our best friend, is gone,

and that I've been up all night with Brian, planning this party,

and now you're sitting here with your bare ass

on strangers' coats

because you couldn't keep it in your pants, Jodie.

That's what I think.

You helped plan this party with Brian?

That's what you got out of what I just said?

And, yes, he called me.

Then it is Brian's fault that I had the affair with Matt,

because if he had called me to help plan the party,

I wouldn't have ended up at Matt's.

Yeah. That makes sense.

I really respect the effort, but, um, no.

That's a reach, Jodie. Such a reach.

It is yourfault that you have herpes.

I have herpes?

♪♪

I'm not telling you.

Occupied!

Henry: This party's dope. Lila looks happy.

Are you doing alright? Yeah, no, I'm doing great.

Yeah. I thought I was gonna be a puddle today,

but, uh, no, I'm fine.

Yeah. That's awesome. I'm fine, bud. Yeah.

Lila: Mama.

Where Mama?

Mama's not here, but she loves Lila.

That's what the grief book said to say.

Mm.

It's okay to cry, man.

It's alright. I got it. I don't.

Oh. Let it out, buddy. Let it out.

No, no. That's -- You don't need to do that.

Great, we set off the babies.

Hmm.

Well, this is why I don't wear white jackets.

I already got lipstick on it.

Sarah, you are withholding a diagnosis.

You took an oath.

So did you.

It's not herpes. Oh!

It's an allergic reaction to dioxide in an off-brand soap.

You guys! It must be Matt's 3-in-1

shampoo, conditioner, and body wash!

I got sensitive skin.

Amy: Oh, my God! I said occupied!

Sarah, what the hell?

Tanzy?

Why is this lady's crotch out?

Oh, she's not a lady.

Lady? That must feel good.

I'm Jodie. Love your name.

Amy. Beautiful face you have.

Well, thank you.

How did you know where I was?

Brian posted a picture on Instagram and tagged you.

Yeah. Do not mess with Instagram.

It will blow your spot right up.

I'm -- I'm sorry. Why are you here?

You know, I feel like you've been avoiding me

these past couple of days.

Not avoiding you.

I just have things in my life that you're not involved in.

So, you know, if we're gonna do this,

you just have to keep it fun and -- and casual.

Yeah. But I reallylike you.

Oh, you reallyshouldn't,

'cause I'm just not in that place.

My life is a mess right now, and I-I kind of like it.

Wow.

You know, I can't believe someone your age

is still playing games.

Oh. My age?

Oh, boy. Yikes.

Well, you are in your 40s.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

- Oof. - Oh, yeah.

Get out!

Out! Not 40s! Alright.

It's 40!

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

She's so happy.

♪ Well, it's all thanks to you ♪

You know you can stop singing now, right?

♪ If I do, I'll start to cry ♪

♪ So I'll sing happy birthday ♪

Yeah.♪ Happy birthday to you

Now that's gonna be stuck in my head all day.

Great job with the party.

Oh, please. Come on.

Don't hate me. I really like him.

I could never hate you, sadly.

I just wish Diana would have left me instead of cheating.

♪ I don't know why I just can't let it go ♪

Last piece, bud.

God. Okay.

I know you think I'm just being my crazy self,

and that's fine.

But being able to talk to Coleen --

It was like keeping her alive.

And now it just feels like I'm losing her all over again.

So, um, I know it's Lila's birthday,

but I got you a surprise.

There you go.

You got a flip phone.

It has Col's number. I got it back.

What?

How did you do that?

I just called that Devon girl and scared the crap out of her.

Mm. This is Amy's dead friend.

That phone is cursed.

I will give you cystic acne and make sure

you never get invited to prom.

Oh! I also, um...

cobbled together an outgoing message from, uh --

From the messages she left on our home phone.

We have a land line? Yeah.

No. I'm sorry.

I kept it.

Thank you, for all of it.

This is the weirdest best/worst birthday party

I've ever been to. I know.

I don't think I've ever seen you cry.

Well, I cried at our wedding. No, you didn't.

I cried right before. Okay, that makes more sense.

Yeah. Alright, I'm gonna go, um --

I'm gonna go call Coleen.

♪♪

I'm glad you're not dead.

Me, too.

Hey, Col, it's me.

I'm at Lila's birthday party.

It's weird and sad that you're not here.

But Lila's having a blast,

so don't -- don't worry about that.

Um, oh, hey, so -- So, listen to this.

That trainer that Jodie was seeing?

Yeah. They did it.

Oh, hang on. You're --

You're getting another call. Hold on.

Hello?

Devon? It's Kyle.

I've been wanting to call you for days.

I was deployed. It's really scary...

No!

Oh, my God.

You are never gonna believe this.

He called.