All language subtitles for Have.I.Got.News.For.You.US.S02E02.Mike.Lawler.Joyelle.Nicole.Johnson.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-RAWR_track3_[eng]

- Welcome to Have
I Got News For You.

I am Roy Wood Jr. In
the news this week,

audiences are terrified
by The Monkey,

a horror movie about
a cursed wind up toy.

YMCA.

It's fun to stay

- Teen breaks it to Dad that
he probably hasn't been texting

with the real Margot Robbie.

They got your data, dumbass!

- MTV finds exhibits replacement
for the reboot of Pimp My Ride.

On Amber's team tonight, she's a
comedian who's opened for Hasan

Minhaj, Maria Bamford,
and Dave Chappelle--

so we're all going
to be chain smoking

by the end of this show--
it's Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

And joining Michael, he's
the Republican representative

for New York's 17th
congressional district and is

currently locked in a tight race
for whitest Michael on that side

of the desk, it's Mike Lawler.

Thank you.

Got it together.

White men versus Black women.

This is going to be good.
- Race war!

Let's do it.

Yay, it's a race war.

That's right.

It's kinda what the
last election was,

white men versus Black women,
and a Black man in the middle

to decide who wins.

Amber and Joyelle, I'm going
to show you all a clip package

referencing some news
stories from last week.

You watch the clips, and you
tell me, what's the story?

Take a look.

- Oh.
- Donald Trump.

I don't like him.

Oh, Black power.

- It was a Donald
Trump book signing.

Oh, Russia and Ukraine.

Oh, gosh.

Saudi Arabia?

- Donald Trump is embarrassing
us all around the world.

Yes!

- That has been the story
since Trump was born.

- The story is President Trump
schooling the world on the art

of the deal.

Or as he so eloquently puts it--

- You have to get people in,
grab them, hug them, kiss them,

and get the deal done.

Kiss them?

Yes.

The non-consensual groping.

That's what makes the deal.

All right.

- President Trump's first
order of business was ending

the Russia-Ukraine war.

Before peace talks
officially began,

what did our dealmaker in
chief demand from Ukraine?

- Half of all of their
natural resources, right?

- In exchange for
American support,

Trump demanded a 50%
share of Ukraine's revenue

from critical minerals,
oils, gas, their ports,

and infrastructure.

Peace talks kicked off in the
Middle East and Saudi

Arabia, a.k.a.

The Switzerland of
the Middle East.

Who was invited to the table?

Russia.

- And more importantly,
who was not invited?

Not Ukraine.

- This is like, say,
it's your birthday.

Yeah.

We want to surprise you.

Yes.

- We all get together
at your apartment.

We do not invite you.

- And then on top
of it, surprise!

We took half your shit.

- Donald Trump
lives by one song.

It was a Beach Boys
hit back in the day--

Aruba, Jamaica, Panama,
I'm going to take you.

Bermuda, Bahama, Greenland,
come home to your mama.

Key Largo, Toronto,
Trudeau, why don't we go?

Off the Mediterranean
Sea, there's a place

called Gaza Largo.

That's where we've got
to go to get some USA id.

Did you write that?

I did.

You did?

- I was supposed to prepare
a song because, honey--

- We can freestyle
a song right here.

We can do it.

- You've been a big
supporter of Ukraine?

I have.

- So when Trump blamed
Russia for attacking Ukraine,

surely, you spoke out on
the floor of Congress.

- I actually did speak
out in support of Ukraine.

Look, this conflict
needs to come to an end.

I think we can
all agree on that.

And Ukraine should have been
at the negotiating table

and should be as
we move forward.

But that, ultimately, there's
going to have to be a

negotiated settlement.

- To be fair, let's check
in with the Russian media

to see what they're saying
about Trump and Putin.

- Russian Deal or No
Deal is some crazy shit.

It looked like you'd die if
you like, guess the wrong

money case.

Yeah.

Goodness gracious.

Trump has fudged many details
about the war in Ukraine,

but his biggest whopper might
have been the false claim

that Ukraine started
the war with Russia.

Of course, the Republicans,
they are the party of Reagan,

and they've been famously
anti-Russia for decades

and decades.

So selling out the
West to Putin must

have bothered some Republicans.

Mike, you're an
elected Republican.

Do you have any thoughts?

- As far as I'm concerned,
Vladimir Putin needs to be beat

back in and out of Ukraine.

There has to be a negotiated
settlement here, which is why

it's so critical
to get Zelenskyy

to the table with Putin.

- OK, so we know how Mike feels
as a Republican on this matter.

Let's see how some of
his colleagues feel.

- He makes Jeffrey Dahmer
look like Mother Teresa.

That's too much of a spread.

You got to have
somebody in the middle.

You can't go Dahmer
to Mother Teresa.

You can say, make OJ Simpson
look like Mother Teresa.

Like there's other
analogies to do.

Why Mother Teresa
catching strays?

So now, we know
what they're saying.

But what are they going to
do about it, Mike Lawler?

- This conflict occurred
under Joe Biden.

Ooh, so it's Biden's fault!

It is.

Oh!

Oh, OK.

Oh, snap!

Oh, snap!

That's right!

Oh!

- Is your position now that
we should give Ukraine all

the weapons and they should
be used as far into Russia

as possible?

- My position
early on was that--

- But no, no.
I'm saying now though.

- My position early on--
- I know, but now.

Do you think we should--
- --that they should have been--

- I know.
I know.

But now, do you feel like we
should give them all the weapons

and let them just strike as
far into Russia as they want?

Because that seems to be what
you're advocating that Biden

should have done.
- No.

- They should have been--
- Right.

Right.
But now.

- Earlier on, they should
have been allowed to.

- Yeah.
Yeah.

But now, what should they do?

No.

In the current environment,
they're in a very

weakened position.

Are they on the same team?

Apparently not.

Why is Europe so concerned?

- Trump and his administration
are giving every indication

that they're going to
abandon Europe and abandon

our commitments to NATO.

How do you feel about that?

- No, I don't think they're
abandoning our commitment

to NATO.

They've said they're going to.

I think the objective--

respectfully, the
objective, the objective

is obviously to have NATO allies
pick up more of the slack.

- Oh, they got to kick in?
OK.

The art of the deal.

- We'll just call it
you got to kick in.

You got to put five on it.

- You could have
just said, kick in.

I'm teaching you
how to talk shorter.

Next time somebody asks you
this question on the Hill,

you just go, them
motherfuckers ain't kick in.

They got to kick in.
- They got to kick in.

I got it.

- I'm not saying
I agree with you.

I'm just giving you the
short way to get to the shit.

Got it.

Kick in.

- We'll work on
pronunciation later.

But that was good.

That was good.

Europe is on the edge because
sources close to The Kremlin

reported that Trump has given
Putin Carte Blanche to attack

London, Paris, or Brussels.

But don't panic.

It's not like they
literally said that.

- Emily, girl, you need
to leave Paris right now.

Get your bucket hat and
get the hell out of there!

Team white, assuming
you are still a team.

We are.

We're still a team.

Watch the clips and tell
me what's the story?

That's a flag.

I don't know of what.

- Taking a sledgehammer
or some shit.

Oh, somebody got fired.

Oh, I think-- oh, yeah, yeah.

Bird flu and a nuclear bomb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're erasing people.

And then this guy's got rehired.

- He's going back.
Yeah.

- So this is obviously all the
federal workers that have

been cut--

Have been cut.

- --by Elon Musk and
his team of incels and--

- Amid massive cuts across
a wide range of agencies

last week, Elon fired 350
employees from the NNSA.

Do we know what the
NNSA stands for?

Not now, stupid ass.

- The NNSA is the National
Nuclear Security Administration,

the organization in
charge of safeguarding

our nuclear stockpile.

So the administration
made major sudden cuts

to the nuclear weapons
infrastructure.

Question to you all.

How did it go?

Not well.

- NBC News has
obtained an email sent

to employees at the National
Nuclear Security Administration.

It says in part, the termination
letters for some NNSA

probationary employees
are being rescinded,

adding that officials do not
have a good way to get in touch

with those personnel.

- Thankfully, thankfully
we have people in charge.

They've given a perfectly
reasonable explanation for this.

Here's Stephen Miller
with the answer.

Boo.

- Why are you not celebrating
the cuts, the reforms that are

being instituted?

Every day that no action is
taken, the entire salaries--

Stephen, let's calm down.

- --of American workers that
are taxed disappear forever.

- Stephen, let's calm down.
- This is not--

We're not.

This is-- we're not
having a debate.

There's no reason.

- --about whether
there are places--

- You are clearly
trying to debate me,

and I will be as excited as
I want to be about the fact

that we are saving Americans
billions of dollars.

Now Mike, that's your boy.

Are they making the cuts
before they check the cuts?

Is that how you make the cuts?

You just cut, and then you
double-- oh, I cut too much?

- When you're making an
omelet, you crack a few eggs.

For real.

Just on the real.

Turn the cameras off.

Everybody, turn the cameras off.

This is on the real

- Mike Lawler, on the group
chat, do y'all just be like,

motherfuckers, are y'all crazy?

- We just dealt with the White
House on some of the CDC cuts

because it impacted the World
Trade Center Health Fund,

and we were able to get
those reversed immediately

because obviously, we want to
make sure that our 9/11 first

responders are protected and
they get the services that

they need.

- I just want to say, I think
you're the first guest who's

ever been heckled.

I love it.

Clearly.

This audience is lit.

Clearly.

I'm a Republican.

I'm used to it.

- Now, these sweeping
indiscriminate cuts are also

having an effect on
America's leisure time.

Question-- does anyone know
which uniquely

qualified staffer--

oh, Elon and the Doge boys fired
from Yosemite National Park?

- I think it was the locksmith
who is the only guy who knows

how to unlock the
restrooms at Yosemite.

Points.

No.

- Under major Doge cuts
to the National parks,

Yosemite fired the only
locksmith on staff,

apparently the sole
employee with keys

and the institutional knowledge
needed to rescue visitors

from locked restrooms.

- I don't want to die on a
toilet in Yellowstone Park.

- What other inefficiencies
has Doge gotten rid of?

- Well, I know they cut
cancer research, which was--

- We would have also accepted
Alzheimer's research,

the Veterans Crisis Line, cancer
research, special education,

FEMA employees, money for 9/11
survivors, and a little niche

organization called the FAA.

I ain't never heard of FAA.

Are they in charge of
anything important?

Even though Trump said that
Medicare and Medicaid were safe,

he's on Truth Social encouraging
Congress to pass his tax cuts

and quote, one big,
beautiful bill.

But Mike Johnson's new House
Budget, which will make that

possible, calls for around $880
billion in cuts to Medicaid.

So, Mike, we got you here.

Which is it?

Is Medicaid safe or is
Medicaid going down?

Trump or Johnson?

Who's your daddy?

- The budget resolution
is what is being discussed

has to pass in order to
get to reconciliation.

The final bill, the
reconciliation bill,

will be what is negotiated.

And there are many of
us, myself included,

who will not cut Medicaid
benefits to our

constituents, period.

- So when that bill
comes to the floor

and there's even a dollar
in Medicaid cuts, you vote--

- Well, we're not
cutting Medicaid.

Right.

But I'm saying but when that
bill comes to the floor--

If it has Medicaid cuts, no.

Right, right, right.

If they're even $1
Medicaid cuts, you're a no.

On benefits.

If you are eliminating any type
of fraud or waste or abuse,

that's fine.

But benefits to beneficiaries?

No.

- You understand that Elon and
Trump are claiming waste, fraud,

and abuse where there is none.

So when the bill comes and
there's a dollar to cuts

in Medicaid, you're a--

- No, I will not cut
Medicaid benefits.

No.
- Right.

So you're a no if there's even
a dollar in cuts to Medicaid.

Very good.
- Damn it.

He was doing so good.

- Well, because you're giving
me politician doublespeak.

- I'm not giving
you doublespeak.

- You are.
It's bullshit.

You're saying--

- No, it's way more complicated
than you want to make it.

It's not complicated.

- Turns out Trump and Elon
aren't just cutting costs

by slashing programs.

They also want to make sure
the money we do have is safe.

What government
building does Trump

have his sights set on next?

- He said he wants to figure out
how much gold is in Fort Knox.

Is that true?

Yup.

He's crazy, man.

Mike, I see why you like him.

He's a fun guy.

It's fun.

- We're going to
go into Fort Knox.

Do you know about that?

- Well, hopefully they didn't
fire the one locksmith that

knows how to get in.

- That was a good joke, but
they hating on you because

of the other shit.

I know.

- And in comedy, that's
called a joke deficit.

You need, like, three good
jokes to get back to zero,

and then they'll reward you.

So two more and then
you're going to be back.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Lie-Curious.

The rules are simple.

I give you three biographical
details about a public figure

but only one is true.

You have to guess
which is the truth

and which are
dirty, filthy lies.

Time for three facts
about Marlon Brando.

Our facts are he left his pet
tortoise to Jack Nicholson.

He had intercourse
on every continent.

He was an avid
user of Photoshop.

Which one is the truth?

Number 2.

I'll start with Team Afro.

- I think we want it to
be number 2 in our hearts,

as does the audience.

Yeah.

- I want to see him
begging on Antarctica.

Where?

There's no hotels.

- But that's Marlon Brando.
He don't need a hotel.

He don't need a hotel.

He's Marlon Brando.

- Have you seen
pictures of Antarctica?

It's ice.

His lap is the hotel.

Exactly.

Tortoises live a long time.

Brando did not.

Nicholson is still alive.

We think he left that pet
tortoise to Jack Nicholson.

- Marlon Brando was an
avid user of Photoshop.

Marlon Brando loved using
Photoshop to prank his friends.

One friend of Brando said,
quote, "He would take people's

pictures and put them in
places they never were.

Then he'd say, remember
when we were in so-and-so?

And you'd see people trying to
remember that same situation."

Question, does anyone know what
other technology Marlon Brando

was passionate about?

The Domino's Pizza tracker?

- Marlon Brando was really
into motion capture technology

and creating digital actors.

He even went so far as to
have himself scanned to create

a digital avatar.

This is an actual scan.

Take a look at these.

Jump scare.

- It looked like he got
ran over by one of them

Daffy Duck steam rollers.

Time for three facts about
Transportation Secretary

Sean Duffy.

Our facts are he's a
father of nine children.

He successfully won a lawsuit
after a botched vasectomy.

He finger paints to unwind.

- If he finger paints,
Roy, if he finger paints,

I'll give you $100.

- We're going to
go with number one.

He's got a lot of
kids, that guy.

- Sean is a father
of nine children.

Oh.

Nine.

As we call it, a
baker's octuplet.

Which raises the question,
can a marriage be too healthy?

Secretary Duffy had a message
for New Yorkers this week.

What was that message?

- He sent a letter to
Governor Kathy Hochul

to cancel congestion
pricing, which

is nothing more than a scam.

- All right, you're
doing better, Mike.

Keep going.
- Better, right?

Damn.

- He won him back on
that $9 suggestion.

That's like the New York
equivalent "give it up

for the ladies."

Don't you hate
congestion pricing?

Yeah.

In a letter to Governor Kathy
Hochul, Duffy told New York that

the DOT was pulling support
for the successful congestion

pricing plan, saying it targeted
working class people and called

the toll, quote,
"backwards and unfair."

- I was with President Trump two
weeks ago in the Oval Office,

and I said to him,
Mr. President,

we have to kill
congestion pricing.

And he said, oh,
it's terrible, Mike.

Horrible.

Call Duffy.

Tell him, kill it.

- Is Trump still going to be
your friend after he sees you

making fun of him like this?

- I think that's a fairly
good impersonation.

- I thought it was good, too,
and that's why I'm

concerned, Mike.

- How did Trump announce it
publicly that he was no longer

supporting the plan?

I'm the king of the world.

Points.

He declared himself king.

Trump posted, quote,
"Congestion pricing is dead.

Manhattan and all of
New York is saved.

Long live the king."

Oh, Trump.

Calm down.

He was talking about this guy.

This is the king he
was talking about.

I respect Burger
King and Gayle King.

Them the two kings.

- Trump wants to
be a rapper so bad.

He's always saying stuff, and
you can imagine him dropping

an imaginary mic afterwards.

Like shut your goofy ass up.

- But does the federal DOT
actually have any authority

to cancel congestion pricing?

- Yes.
- No.

Yes.

No.

- The program is a pilot
program that was approved by DOT

and the Federal
Highway Administration,

and so they absolutely
have the authority

to revoke the approval.

I'm still saying no.

- Only the states Triborough
Bridge and Tunnel Authority can

do that, Congressman.

Booyah!

- I'm just saying Republicans
need to be careful about pissing

off Kathy Hochul because you
know they're going to kick out

your mayor that
y'all just bought.

You like this suit?

I got it from Eric Adams.

Y'all look mayoral.

Like a little kingpin.

She might pick me.

You never know.

This has been Lie-Curious.

It's time now for Missing Words.

Yay.

- I'm going to give you
some recent news headlines

with key words cut out, and
you have to fill in the blank

and give us the full story.

Here's your headline, "Peruvian
Police Officer Wears Blank

to Make Arrest in Drug Probe."

- I'm going to say
Paddington Bear costume.

Full drag.

That's what we hope is true.

- "A Peruvian Police Officer
Wears a Capybara Costume to Make

Arrest in Drug Probe."

Michael, you're
pretty close, yeah.

So officers in the Peruvian
national police's Green Squad

often dress up in costumes
as a way of getting suspected

criminals to let
their guard down,

as seen in this clip
of their latest raid.

- Let me tell you something,
if ICE comes to my door

and they're wearing the capybara
costume, I'm opening the door.

Come on in.

Imagine being on drugs--

-and a 6' beaver walks in.

Like that's Fortnite.

That only happens in Fortnite.

Here's your headline, "Shoppers
Left Appalled After Realizing

Trader Joe's Sells Blank."

People.

Trader Joe's sells sex?

- If Trader Joe's sold sex,
it'd be organic and overpriced.

- I was going to say
condoms paid for by USAID.

Oh my god, stop.

You're reminding
us that you're bad.

Take a break from
it for a second

so we can have a nice time.

- "Shoplifters Left Appalled
After Realizing Trader

Joe's Sells Fertilized Chicken
Eggs That Can Be Hatched."

That's right, do-it-yourself
chickens at the Trader Joe's.

Even worse, the yogurt-covered
pretzels are also fertilized.

That's why the
employees are so cheery.

Roy.

What?

- Roy, did you just make a
joke about jizz pretzels?

No.

No, I did not.

Amber?

Yes?

- I can be as excited about
jizz pretzels as I want to be.

- Bonus question, does anyone
know how New York City bodegas

are handling the price
of skyrocketing eggs?

I do.

They're selling loosies.

They're selling loose eggs.

Is that real?

Yes.

Would you like a video?

Yes.

Oh, give Amber the video.

- It's not loose cigarettes
but loose eggs drawing people

to Pamela's Green Deli.

I do it because I care.

- Fernando Rodriguez sells a
trio for $2.99 at his shop off

of Boston Road.

Long live the king!

He's been president for a month.

We selling eggs out of
the trunk like cocaine.

I had to cut down.

I'm down to two quiche a day.

Here's your headline, "Blank
Has Its Own Board Game Now."

I'm going to give
you all a hint.

What major recent
historical event

has its own board game now?

- Kendrick Lamar's
halftime show?

- The "January 6 Takeover
Has Its Own Board Game Now."

Players can choose if they play
as protesters or the Capitol

Police in a game called
Fight for America!

Yes, it's like Clue,
except the answer

is they all did
it in every room,

usually with the American flag.

- And unlike
Monopoly, this game,

everybody has a Get
Out of Jail Free card.

So it's a nice question.

"Which 1989 Milton Bradley
game had the slogan,

it's not what you win or
lose, it's whether you win?"

Battleship.

Battleship?

Oh.

- That was the slogan
of the Trump game.

I was going to say.

The Donald Trump board game.

Please check this out.

- My new game is
The Game.

- The Game, where
you deal for everything

you've ever wanted to own.

Because it's not whether you win
or lose, it's whether you win.

Yes!

- The Game
from Milton Bradley.

I think you'll like it.

- Can we look at the commercial
again and, just for a second,

just pay attention to the
assholes who are playing

this game?

How much cocaine did they do
before they sat down to play

this game?

That's Missing Words.

We'll be back after the break.

Welcome back.

Have I got news for you.

It's time now for
the Offender Meter.

Here's how it works, the index
of everyone who's made people

mad this week.

Teams have to tell us who's
the offender, what they did,

and who they offended.

Let us begin.

Let's see your offender.

Ah, yes, Rosario Dawson.

Yes.

That is Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez.

Who did she offend?

Republicans.

Mike?

Yes?

- When you saw that
picture, were you offended?

No.

- AOC offended Trump border
czar Tom Homan by sponsoring

a, quote, "Know Your
Rights" webinar in response

to the recent immigration raids.

Yes.

Question, why is it
important for everyone

to know their rights if
they're confronted by ICE?

- Isn't it important to
know your rights in general?

Yeah.

- Because they'd be pulling
up to people's houses like,

hey, you look colored, so
you're probably illegal.

So you should know that
they can't do that.

Yeah.

The answer, it's important for
everyone to know their rights

because even legal US citizens
are being detained by

ICE agents.

In one New Jersey raid, ICE even
detained a US military veteran,

which is wild because
if you're a veteran

and want to be disrespected,
you just go to the VA.

You shouldn't have to deal--

-with ICE.

But Republicans,
including Tom Homan,

say that AOC reminding
citizens of their rights,

it's basically telling
immigrants how to evade ICE.

Here's Tom on the subject.

I'm not an attorney.

I'm not a prosecutor.

Is that impediment?

Is that impeding our
law enforcement efforts?

If so, what are we
going to do about it?

Is she crossing the line?

So I'm working with the
Department of Justice

and finding out, where is
that line that they crossed?

So maybe AOC is going
to be in trouble now.

- Bonus question, is his
mouth full of saltwater taffy?

Right.

- So we know what
Tom Homan said.

What do you all think AOC
said in response to Tom?

Kiss my brown ass.

- AOC posted, quote, "Maybe
he can learn to read."

"The Constitution would
be a good place to start."

Points?

Points.

Let's see the next offender.

Sheryl Crow.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

- Sheryl Crow has never offended
anyone a day in her life.

Ooh.

- And I don't think this is
going to come back to bite me

in the ass in one minute.

Wait.

Sheryl offended GOP Senator
John Kennedy and Elon stans

everywhere after she posted
a video of herself selling

her Tesla and donating
the money to NPR.

Here's the clip.

Yes.

Time to say goodbye

Why Andrea Bocelli?

Like, why not a
Sheryl Crow song, man?

- All I want
to do is have some fun

- I do not
know a Sheryl Crow

song

Question.

What did John Kennedy have to
say about Sheryl Crow's video?

- Well, I say, I say why
is she selling her Tesla?

I say, I say.

Points.

All right.

Here's the Senator.

- I think that it should not go
unnoticed that President Biden

got a lot of his advice from
pop singers and movie stars

and people who partied
with Harvey Weinstein.

And we know how that turned out.

- All across the country, people
have been protesting Tesla

and selling their
cars, like Sheryl.

But there's one
notable exception.

Who on this very panel recently
posted that they still love

their Musk mobile?

Ooh.

Is it you, drive from Detroit?

I got a Jeep, so no.

I don't have a car.

I have a Ford.

OK.

Congressman, you got a Tesla?

I do not have a Tesla.

Michael!

- It's Michael who said, quote,
"Honestly, the worst part about

this whole thing is, I
bought a Tesla years ago,

and it's the best
car I've ever owned."

- You advertising
for other people?

You fucking piece of shit!

You're a commercial for Tesla!

How could you?

Michael Ian Black,
I am ashamed of you.

- You bought it before
the Nazi salute.

- Of course.
- OK.

- Look, when I bought it, my
son, who was 16 at the time,

said, don't buy it.

Elon's a douche.

And I said, he's
just a businessman

with a lot of good ideas.

I have since
apologized to my son.

And to make it up to him,
I bought him a Tesla.

That was offend-a-meter.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

It's time for Meet
in the Middle,

where we find common ground
between two people who would

never be caught hanging out.

OK, on one side, you have Bill
Hader, old Chuckie Schumer, Tim

McGraw, and Whoopi Goldberg.

On the other side, Adam Scott,
Elvis Presley, Margaret Cho,

and Martha Stewart.

First up, we have,
I'm your Usherman.

Which two of these people once
worked as movie theater ushers?

Elvis?

Yeah, Elvis sounds right.

And then Whoopi
and Chuck, right?

- Chuck Schumer's never held
a job outside of politics.

All right.

Margaret Cho.

OK.

Just cause I love her.

Yeah.

She's eccentric.

Like movie theaters
very shut your ass up.

Yeah, how about Adam Scott?

OK.

Still wrong.

The answer, Bill Hader
and Elvis Presley

both worked as movie
theater ushers.

Yes!

- Elvis was a theater
Usher in Memphis.

It was a job he stole
from a Black man.

But--

That's not true.

That's not true.

But he was a movie usher.

And Bill Hader was an usher
in the late '90s, where he got

fired for spoiling the end
of Titanic for an audience.

Bonus question, since
we're talking Titanic,

could Jack have fit on
that stupid-ass board?

Yes.

Yes.

- Well, it doesn't
matter what we think.

We have the research of
Oscar-winning director James

Cameron to give us
the real answer.

- I'm going to recreate Jack and
Rose on the raft in a controlled

laboratory setting.

They did manage to find
a stable position--

it took a little bit of trying--

where their upper bodies were
out of the water, both of them.

And that's when it
got interesting.

Final verdict, Jack
might have lived.

But there's a lot of variables.

- First of all, why did we
need a Nat Geo documentary?

Imagine that's how you die,
in a James Cameron Nat Geo

reenactment, freezing
from hypothermia.

Next up, we've got Breed,
Follow, or Get out of the Way.

Which two of these people
had dogs win Best of Breed

at the Westminster Dog Show?

Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart.

It's got to be, right?

And Whoopi Goldberg.

And I would say Tim--

Tim McGraw.

- Answer, Tim McGraw
and Martha Stewart.

Here we go.

- Wow.
- Both--

- Yes.
- Bow.

Good job.

- Both people had
dogs win Best of Breed

at the Westminster Dog Show.

McGraw's dog, Lepshi, a Bracco
Italiano, won Best of Breed

in 2023.

And in 2012, one of the winners
was Martha Stewart's Chow Chow,

named Genghis Khan.

But Martha and Tim aren't the
only celebrities whose dogs have

competed in the
Westminster Dog Show.

This Dandie Dinmont terrier
named Harry won Best of Breed

in 2007.

Who was his famous owner?

And here's a hint.

He's one of the greatest
comedians of all time.

Thank you, Roy.

And I just want to say--

- The owner of this
dog was Bill Cosby.

- That poor dog was
drugged, to do that.

I was going to say--

And he's back.

You claw and claw and
claw, and you're back

at zero, Congressman.

All right, let's do Butt Dial--

Oh.

--and other parts.

Which two of these people
worked as phone sex operators?

Oh, well, Margaret--

Whoopi, no.

Whoopi got that voice.

She going to call him.

And she's going to say,
what are you wearing?

That's very good.

Thank you.

Do me a favor, Joelle.

Keep going.

No.

- Whoopi Goldberg
and Margaret Cho

both worked as
phone sex operators.

Whoopi revealed to
her View co-host

that she worked on a phone
sex line when she was young.

And Margaret Cho says that
when she did phone sex for this

company, she was promoted faster
because she "sounded white."

I didn't even-- you know how
you just discover a new racism?

Really, that's a--
that's another one?

We didn't get to.

Adam Scott and Chuck Schumer.

But they're both fathers of two.

And right now, they're both
mostly known for completely

forgetting they have a day job.

More after the break.

Welcome back.

It's time now for
the Odd One Out.

Teams, here's how it works.

I'm going to show
everybody four pictures.

And you'll have to guess which
one sticks out like Pete Hegseth

at a Take Back the Night rally.

Here's your first group of four.

We have Tilda Swinton, Mark
Wahlberg, George Clooney,

and Harry Styles.

Who is the odd one out?

- Three of them have
acted in a movie together.

What movie?

Was Tilda Swinton--

Michael Clayton.

Huh.

Wait, Mark Wahlberg
was in Michael Clayton?

Yep.

I like that answer.

Very good.

OK, over here.

- Was Mark Wahlberg
in a boy band?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Harry Styles
was in a boy band.

- Yes.
- Oh.

- Were one of these
people in a boy band?

It couldn't be-- it
could be Tilda Swinton.

This could be Tilda.

Tilda?

That's our answer.

It's unusual, yes,
unorthodox, also.

But it's what we have.

- So George Clooney
is the odd one out.

- The odd one out
is George Clooney.

Not for that shit.

Tilda Swinton, Mark Wahlberg,
and Harry Styles all

have at least one extra
nipple, while George Clooney,

our old loving Batman, only has
two nipples that never recovered

from fighting Mr. Freeze.

Tilda Swinton has a third
nipple she calls her, quote,

"witch's mark."

Mark Wahlberg has an
additional infant's nipple

below his adult-sized nipple.

Let's get a picture of that.

There's that third baby nip.

Oh.

- Is that a nipple
or is that melanoma?

Like, I-- I'm not trying
to wish nothing on my man,

but how low is a nipple
before it's still a nipple?

Like, if it's that far
down, is that still nipple?

Let's show them Harry
Styles' two sets of nipples.

Yeah, for a grand
total of four nipples.

Four nipples, and they all
point in One Direction.

According to science,
up to 6% of people

are born with bonus
nipples of various sizes

and configurations, so
it's not all that rare.

Scientific literature on
extra nipples mentions quote,

"a famous case from 1827
involving a French woman who had

a functioning breast on her
left thigh and nursed her five

children using all
three breasts."

Could have used that lady at
the end of Grapes of Wrath.

Yeah.

Let RFK Jr., you let
him keep running stuff.

That's how we're
going to get our milk.

That was Odd One Out.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

We are going to play a game.

It's called Who Said It?

I'll give you a quote.

And you tell me if it came
from someone who's in the news

or a character from The Office.

Here's the quote, "Yesterday
was incredibly emotional for me.

I honestly can say that I felt
more like a female than I think

I ever have or ever will."

This is really hard.

- That seems like something JD
Vance would have said at his

before times.

- Just to be contrary, we're
going to go with Dwight Schrute.

- It is a quote from
Vice President JD Vance.

Vance wrote, in his 2005
blog, which he later described

as quote, "like a diary,
only far more masculine"--

what he means by that
is that he's never

blogged without a full boner.

Here's the quote,
"Ultimatums are key."

Who said that?

Kelly Kapoor or Stephen Miller?

- We're going to go
with Stephen Miller.

- I want to go
with Stephen Miller

because I feel like he said it,
and he screamed it at a woman.

He screamed it at a woman?

- This is a quote from Kelly
Kapoor, who famously said,

quote, "Ultimatums are key.

Basically, nobody does anything
for me unless I threaten to

kill myself."

Oh, shit.

- That's all the time
we have for Who Said It?

We cut now to live footage
of the DOGE takeover

at the Pentagon.

You're pretty fired.

And when I'm promoted,
you'll be full fired.

- I want to thank our guest,
Joyelle Nicole Johnson

and Congressman Mike Lawler, of
course, our team captains, Amber

Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.

Before we sign off, here are a
few more stories we're watching.

Family realizes dad ordered
calamari only for himself.

Grandpa listens to the 20-minute
description of a

30-second TikTok.

The left comes up with their
response to the Elon salute.

I'm Roy Wood Jr. And I'll
see you all next week

for another episode of
Have I Got News For You.

And remember, there's still
two people stranded in space.