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The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,200
(MUFFLED SINGING)
(TENSE MUSIC)
3
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,840
(SINGING)
4
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,959
Right, come on.
5
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,000
You are officially legless.
6
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,839
Watch your head.
♪ Tree in the hole
7
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,399
♪ And the hole in the bog
8
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:40,839
♪ And the bog down to the valley-o ♪
9
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,799
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Ah, no!
10
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,160
(LAUGHS) One more, one more
- on the way.
- No.
11
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,440
(BIRD CHIRPS)
12
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,759
♪ And the branch on the tree
13
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:55,919
♪ Tree in the hole
14
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,879
♪ And the ball in the dog
15
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,439
♪ And we jog down to the valley-o ♪
16
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,280
MAN (ON RADIO):
...it's two minutes to midnight...
17
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:10,880
(TENSE MUSIC)
(DRONING)
18
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,000
(RADIO CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)
19
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,800
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
20
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,160
(DRONING)
21
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,199
(TYRES SCREECH)
22
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,600
(CRASH/CAR HORN SOUNDING)
23
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,840
(THEME MUSIC)
24
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:08,880
♪ It all happened by accident
25
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:15,160
♪ Bodies without names,
intersecting planes
26
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:21,320
♪ Of their stranger vector veins
27
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:27,799
♪ Europe is incontinent
28
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,880
♪ But Phillip's still alive ♪
29
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,559
I will use this stick
30
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,559
and others like it
31
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,159
to defend my crops,
32
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,559
but first we must whittle.
33
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,399
Oh, God.(JUNIOR JOSH CHUCKLES)
This is not good.
34
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,239
'Whittle away, my villagers!'
35
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,600
Whittling? (CHUCKLES)
36
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,119
Whittle away for the whinter
is whet and whindy.
37
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,439
Is this- Is the final cut?
38
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,080
'Whittle away.'
39
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,239
Halt! Who goes there?
40
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,680
I am Celt!
41
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,919
Is this the guy whose wife
is in prison for stabbing someone?
42
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,519
She sporked a banker.
43
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,879
Had she just watched this show?
44
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:35,079
(LAUGHING)
I think the music works.
45
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,479
Thank you, Josh.
Shame about the rest of it.
46
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,039
Shut up, Josh.
(CONFERENCE PHONE RINGING)
47
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,640
Chet might like it.
(You're gonna get fired.)
48
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,279
Lame of Thrones.
49
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,359
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
50
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,439
Good one, sir.
This show is a mess.
51
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,319
- It's a mess.
- OK.
52
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,959
So we'll make a few tweaks
in subsequent seasons.
53
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,959
- Seasons?
- You wanna make people
watch more of this shit?
54
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,079
At one point I booed.
55
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:05,199
Yeah.
You made me boo our own show, Wendy.
56
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,319
I did this with zero help,
Brad undermined me throughout...
57
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,639
What?
...Linda just went AWOL,
58
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,279
and Josh is...
59
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:15,919
practically blind.
60
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,999
Woah, that's crossing a line, now.
What?
61
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,079
Josh is blind.
62
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,959
Don't be ridiculous,
he's not blind.
63
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,559
Err, yes, sir, I am blind.
(SCOFFS)
64
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,119
When did you get blind?
65
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,799
I have been blind since birth.
66
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,599
- That's right.
- The glasses
are usually the giveaway.
67
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,799
You're a blind television executive?
68
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,879
Our most talented division heads
got promoted after the merger, sir.
69
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,519
And your division was..?
70
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,079
Podcasts.
71
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,239
You're doing a great job.
72
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:50,159
So, I Am Celt will have its world
premiere in Ireland next week.
73
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,159
I cannot wait.
Wendy,
74
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,199
you go and introduce this show
in your homeland,
75
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,479
handle the press,
76
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,799
we'll decide what to do with you
when you return.
77
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,040
Can anyone else hear a sitar?
78
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,519
I gotta go, it's too damn hot
79
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,079
in this office.
80
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,679
Pack your bags, Wendy.
81
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,479
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
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00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,840
♪ DEAN MARTIN & HELEN O'CONNELL: How
D'Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning
83
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,759
♪ How do you like your eggs
in the morning?
84
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,919
♪ I like mine with a kiss
85
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,559
♪ Boiled or fried?
86
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,919
♪ I'm satisfied as long as
I get my kiss...
87
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,279
Thank you, ladies.
88
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,520
(KNOCKING)
89
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,439
Seamie?
90
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,399
Seamie, are you awake there?
Aye.
91
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,639
I have something for you.
92
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:46,319
Don't drop eggs on me again, Barry.
No, it came for you this morning.
93
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:47,760
Oh.
94
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,240
(SIGHS)
95
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:58,079
Is it about your doctor's licence?
No, no, that's all sorted.
96
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,959
I go back to work today
for better or worse.
97
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,800
Well, I'll get these eggs on, so.
98
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,120
Barry?
99
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,239
It seems I'm a single man again.
100
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,560
Look at us, the bachelor boys.
101
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,240
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC)
102
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,799
(SIGHS)
103
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,400
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON THE RADIO)
For the new stout taps.
104
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,320
(DOOR CLOSES)
105
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,840
Holy shit cakes.
106
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,520
(LAUGHS)
107
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,840
Jesus, that's hot tea.
108
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:03,079
He's back, like a migraine.
109
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:04,479
You signed it then?
110
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,599
Aye.
111
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,679
I'm late for school, Seamie,
and you could've texted that.
112
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,799
My suspension's been lifted
so I'm back to work.
113
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,159
Well, Sonny'll be thrilled,
not too sure about the patients
114
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,919
though, they all loved that Locum,
Dr Perky-tits.
115
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,719
Well, I'm pleased to be back myself.
Aye,
116
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,559
well you look like shit.
117
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,879
Does it not agree with you,
sleeping in a dead woman's bed?
118
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,399
She's not still in it with me,
Catherine.
119
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,799
Well, between the tales
of alien abduction
120
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,559
and the offer to share a deathbed
up at the sheep farm
121
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:38,559
I'd say you're pretty much
the pussy magnet around town.
122
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,959
I don't think I've ever heard you
say pussy before
123
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,759
and if I'm honest
it seems a bit weird.
124
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,359
So now my pussy is weird?
125
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,959
I'm not saying your pussy is-
126
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,480
Stop saying pussy!
127
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,719
Please!
128
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,559
Either of you saying pussy is weird!
129
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,999
Joanne,
130
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,919
thought you were inside.
Nope, I'm right here,
131
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,759
haven't missed a word right up
until mum's weird pussy!
132
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,840
Yeah, I do not have a weird pussy!
Of course you don't!
133
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,520
You have...
134
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,439
...just a typical pussy.
135
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,000
Fuck my life!
136
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:28,039
Hey, I'll catch you later, Jo-Jo,
137
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,520
I'm back at the surgery now so.
OK.
138
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,120
What's keeping you?
139
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,359
A typical pussy?
140
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,839
(I meant to say tropical.)
141
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,080
(SIGHS)
142
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,000
Get in the car, Matt.
143
00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:00,879
♪ The old hometown looks the same
144
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,680
♪ As I step down from the train...
145
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,439
This is my first premiere.
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
146
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,559
Cool.
147
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,359
I'm going to introduce
the first episode,
148
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,480
bow my head and go and drink myself
into oblivion.
149
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,040
Gotcha.
150
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,480
Is the show not everything
you'd hoped for?
151
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,959
The caterers wanna take their name
off the credits.
152
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,000
The caterers.
153
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:39,999
(SIGHS)
154
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,760
Could I pivot into real estate?
155
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,639
Yeah, the Locum
asked me to put that up.
156
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,879
(SIGHS)
157
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,879
She was a hard lady to say no to.
158
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,959
Ah, we'll leave it up,
159
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,119
at least it covers that weird stain
that looks a bit like Bono.
160
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,879
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that was my thinking too.
161
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,039
Hey, it's good to be back, son.
162
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,919
The Proctor doctors together again.
163
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,519
Yeah, that's not what we are.
164
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,319
(SIGHS)
Look,
165
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,039
I know life has been unusual lately
166
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,079
but the whole thing, it's really
given me a lot of time to think.
167
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:32,280
Which thing, the abduction,
the suspension or the separation?
168
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,839
I wanna take you under my wing,
like my own Dad did with me.
169
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,239
I- I can't just play doctor, Dad.
170
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,879
Of course you can!
Most things these days are sepsis.
171
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,759
Look, there's no way around it,
finish your studies
172
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,359
and we'll be flying, eh?
173
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,599
Doctor and son, Proctor and Proctor-
174
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,359
I'm not going back
to medical school.
175
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,519
Of course you are,
176
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,479
people drop out of college
and re-enrol all the time.
177
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,399
I didn't drop out, OK?
178
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,319
They kicked me out
179
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,359
for cheating on a paper.
180
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:12,040
I thought ChatGPT
stood for General Practitioner Tips.
181
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,679
Did you really think that?
No, Dad.
182
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:17,840
(SIGHS)
183
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,639
I couldn't keep up.
184
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,760
You got caught cheating?
185
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,359
At least I took after one of you.
186
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,079
(SIGHS)
187
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,000
(PHONE RINGS)
188
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,000
Ah, son.
189
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:52,439
The town is buzzing.
190
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,439
The committee's acting like
we're hosting the feckin' Olympics.
191
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,039
(URGENT MUTTERING)
192
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,199
How've you been?
193
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,000
Yeah, grand.
It's been quiet enough without you.
194
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,519
How's your Dad?
195
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,359
Up and down.
196
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,759
It's my Mam's
10-year anniversary soon
197
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,399
and I think he's feeling it.
198
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,439
Shelly, promise me something
just in case I don't come back.
199
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,919
And why wouldn't you come back?
Don't rely on people.
200
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,319
No, not even my people?
201
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,760
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
202
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,520
Yeah, there it is.
(GASPS)
203
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,319
Rely on yourself
204
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,679
and even then
keep your expectations low.
205
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,320
(CHUCKLES)
206
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,679
Wendy? I have Shirley
from Showbiz Weekly here.
207
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:38,759
Oh, God.
208
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,399
Miss Patterson?
209
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,440
That's me!
210
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,759
Oh, super cute.
211
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,520
(You're gonna need supplies.)
212
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,359
In the pantheon of the Tudors,
Vikings, Game of Thrones,
213
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:56,080
another epic show shot in Ireland,
where does I Am Celt sit?
214
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,559
It has really good music.
215
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,119
OK.
216
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,959
And should audiences expect
another Irish entrant
217
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,799
into the golden age of television?
218
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,680
The Bronze Age maybe.
219
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:14,759
I wonder if we should take advantage
of the local colour
220
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,359
we have with us here.
That is a wonderful idea.
221
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,960
I am going to grab some fresh air.
222
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,519
Have you found that I Am Celt
coming to film in your village
223
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,160
has led to an easing
of the Catholic-Protestant divide?
224
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,599
I was brought up Catholic
225
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:42,080
but I seen my Mammy use
the holy water to boil an egg once.
226
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:49,839
I'm a Protestant but sure I've half
forgotten what I'm protesting about.
227
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,559
Now, um...
228
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:56,359
that Science-tology,
that seems very interesting to me.
229
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,359
That is super fun, actually.
230
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,440
(TIN WHISTLE PLAYING)
231
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,079
Dad!
232
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,000
What the fuck are you at?
233
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,720
Dad, what were you doing
on the roof?
234
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,399
I was waiting
235
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,479
for them.
236
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,599
Were you...
237
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,239
(SCOFFS)
238
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,360
I can't believe
I'm actually gonna say this.
239
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,280
Dad, were you abducted by aliens?
240
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,399
Jesus fuck, you were and all.
241
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,959
Well, then, why didn't you say
- anything?
- Who'd believe me?
242
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,040
I would.
243
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,800
I'm your daughter.
244
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,279
When were you...
245
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,119
...taken?
246
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,920
It was a few months
after your mother passed.
247
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,680
I just haven't been the same since.
248
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,039
I thought you were just grieving.
249
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,959
Grieving?
250
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,959
What, for 10 years?
Aye.
251
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,040
About your mother?
252
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,799
Well, go on, then,
what was it like up there?
253
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,199
Oh come on, tell me, Da.
254
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:28,800
It was absolutely glorious, yeah.
255
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,360
It's hard being back here after.
256
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,839
So all this time
you've been up in your room
257
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,120
trying to figure out how to go
back with your alien friends?
258
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,719
What about me?
259
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,959
You can come too if you like.
260
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,080
Who'd stock the soda tonic fridge?
261
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,200
You're an incredible girl, Shelly.
262
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,400
I probably haven't told you that
enough.
263
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,120
This'll be the first time.
264
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,399
I got your text.
What's the emergency?
265
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,839
I've just been missing
a little something.
266
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,119
I'm always losing stuff,
did you find it?
267
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,439
Look, I'm horny...
268
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:41,319
(DOOR CLOSES)
...you stupid, sexy man.
269
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,159
Oh come on, Matt,
we haven't done it in here in ages.
270
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,399
For good reason.
271
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,679
We don't need to be having
stressful sexy time anymore.
272
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,519
- Stressful?
- Sneaking around,
terrified we'll get caught.
273
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,119
Yeah, but isn't that
part of the fun?
274
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,319
What's more fun is making slow,
275
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,399
sweet love in an actual bed
276
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:04,000
with your very untypical pussy.
277
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,200
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
278
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:18,800
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
279
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,999
(UNDER HER BREATH) Why are you
dressed in character?
280
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,319
(UNDER HIS BREATH) I thought
that's what you did.
281
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,639
(UNDER HER BREATH) You're so funny.
282
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:34,680
Oh!
283
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,200
(PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING)
284
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,680
I was just wondering if you've had
any feedback about my hair.
285
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,439
Your hair?
Well, Brigid's hair.
286
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,839
Oh.
287
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,680
Yeah, they like it on your head.
288
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:08,039
I've asked around and it feels like
you're the lady in the know,
289
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,920
does production have
an official oil supplier?
290
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,839
No, not an official one.
Yeah.
291
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,599
Any word on a second series, boss?
292
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,759
Not yet, but we're gonna learn a lot
more after the audience sees it.
293
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,639
Yeah.
They're nearly ready to go, Wendy.
294
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,119
Why won't they let us go?
295
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:28,080
You still good to introduce?
Yeah, just give me a second.
296
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,120
I can't breathe.
297
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,280
I take it
the bingo's been cancelled?
298
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,640
I hope you're not planning showbiz
premieres here every week now.
299
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,759
I absolutely am not.
300
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,040
WOMAN: Five minutes till showtime,
ladies and gentlemen!
301
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,320
I heard you're getting a divorce.
(SIGHS)
302
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,520
I'm sorry about that.
303
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,560
Don't be.
304
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,879
And thank you,
305
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,759
it's not your fault anyway,
you know, I blame the aliens.
306
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,480
(SCOFFS) I do that all the time.
307
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,560
Relationships are tricky.
308
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,519
It's hard to trust someone else
when you don't trust yourself.
309
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,239
Aye.
310
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,400
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
311
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,920
Seamie, tell him what happened.
312
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,039
(SIGHS) My visiting daughter
seems to think
313
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,519
you were both abducted by aliens!
314
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,000
Now what do you think of that,
young Proctor?
315
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,640
I don't know what
she's talking about.
316
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,879
I think I've tried to build
a whole life around
317
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,079
trying to be a better man
than I was that night.
318
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,960
It's getting late,
I'd better be off.
319
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,359
It's a pretty low bar.
(LAUGHS)
320
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,160
See you around, Wendy.
Happy New Year!
321
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,879
You never got married yourself, no?
322
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,800
I guess I never found
- the right dress.
- Aye.
323
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,199
Staying around for long?
324
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,239
No.
325
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,439
No?
326
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:28,759
Well,
327
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,879
you might be back next year.
328
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,799
Isn't that what happens with the TV?
329
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:39,599
Yeah, sometimes, but with this show
I would be very surprised.
330
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,519
More surprised than seeing
an alpaca on a spaceship?
331
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,999
What did you say, Pubba?
332
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,599
I've been tracking them.
333
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,680
(GRUNTS)
334
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,799
They like it here.
335
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,079
Is that Betty Battles' purse?
336
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,919
Oh, it's nothing dodgy,
trust me, no.
337
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,199
I nicked it out of her coffin,
you see.
338
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,959
Sounds a bit dodgy.
339
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,639
If you come back to my place
340
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,799
I will show you
something pretty cool.
341
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,119
That definitely sounds dodgy.
342
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,080
They're feckin' back, lads.
343
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,839
We're ready for you, Wendy.
344
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,400
Lights are down,
audience are half cut.
345
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:36,039
Err, I'm putting you in charge.
346
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:40,079
Wait, you really
believe in me that much?
347
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,360
Sure!
348
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,679
(DEEP BREATH)
349
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,679
I won't let you down.
350
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,040
Sounds good, I'll be at the pub.
351
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,520
Come, come.
352
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:54,920
(CROWD MURMURING)
353
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,959
How's everything at home?
354
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,479
Great, sister and baby
- are doing well.
- Oh.
355
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:11,199
Wife gets out of prison
next week, so that's...
356
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,360
exciting.
357
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,360
(Very.)
358
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,240
So when you see her in person
you can tell her I'm pregnant.
359
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,999
I'm only joking!
(SIGHS)
360
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,639
You big dumb lug.
361
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,040
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
362
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,160
(MURMURING DIES DOWN)
363
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,360
(TAPS MIC)
(BLOWS)
364
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,039
Err...
(FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)
365
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,119
Hello.
366
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,160
ALL: Hello.
367
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,719
When we looked for a place
to make this show...
368
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:46,959
(FEEDBACK FROM THE MIC)
369
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,119
...we knew we needed
somewhere really special,
370
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:55,159
somewhere with character, heart,
371
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,999
parking...
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
372
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,359
...broadband, not too many
electricity poles.
373
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,559
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
That was a big one.
374
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,119
MAN: Boring!
375
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,359
Point being,
376
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,599
we found all that and more
in Drumban.
377
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,600
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
378
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,679
We may have made the show
379
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,039
but you... you made it special.
380
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,599
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
381
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,799
It might be called I Am Celt
382
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,840
but truly we all am C-
(MURMURS FROM THE AUDIENCE)
383
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,399
We...
384
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,279
We Am All Celt!
385
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,679
No. We...
386
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,679
Is All Celt.
387
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,519
It's starting, it's starting.
388
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,999
Alright, err, enjoy the show!
389
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
390
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,080
Please...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)
391
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,760
Yeah, it's not dodgy at all.
Oh, thank you.
392
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,120
This is what I've been working on.
393
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,399
What's with all the marks?
Dead birds,
394
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:19,000
electrical interference, sightings.
395
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,279
Where were you taken?
396
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,079
In the woods, around here.
397
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,560
What were you doing there?
398
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,360
(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)
399
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,760
Teenage stuff.
Yeah.
400
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,320
Any details could be important.
401
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,959
Well, um...
402
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,159
I was approaching second base.
403
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,839
Attempting.
404
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,239
Not approaching.
OK.
405
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,639
But I think that's moot,
406
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,999
unless we think they're some
sort of space perverts or something.
407
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,360
I don't know what they are.
408
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,760
Wait a minute.
409
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,839
Do you see
what's in the middle of all this?
410
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:03,520
Can I have a pen?
411
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,120
There.
412
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:20,640
There, my home.
413
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,599
They're circling my home.
414
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,279
Why would they do that?
415
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,199
Something tells me
they're coming back
416
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,640
and that something
is glowing like a bastard.
417
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:35,800
I have to warn my wife.
418
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,039
Ex-wife.
419
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,039
Right, that's right.
420
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,080
(DOOR CLOSES)
421
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,600
Oh, I'll grab my tin whistle.
422
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,080
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(GEESE QUACK)
423
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,480
The skies are mocking me.
424
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:05,279
It's cloudy.
425
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,480
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
426
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:12,879
Even the clouds mock An Dagda.
427
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,400
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
428
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,119
(CHUCKLES)
429
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:19,999
Mock me not!
430
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,479
Fluff beasts!
431
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,960
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
432
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,119
At least they're not booing.
433
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,399
I Am...
434
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:38,199
Celt!
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
435
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,920
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
436
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,079
Psst!
437
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,879
Is it supposed to be funny?
438
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,679
I- I think it's genre fluid.
439
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,119
Where's Miss Patterson?
440
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,679
She may have mentioned
needing a drink.
441
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,639
Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, cool, cool,
442
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,679
I think I've overdone it
on the protein shakes.
443
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,000
Right, OK.
(AUDIENCE CONTINUE LAUGHING)
444
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,639
(CLEARS THROAT)
Shelly?
445
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:18,599
I was hoping to talk to you
about something cool.
446
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,359
Urgh, tell me you've fixed
the soda tonic fridge in the shed.
447
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,679
Oh, I've got something a bit better
than tonic water
448
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,799
and it's been bottled up
a lot longer.
449
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,279
Lilt? Who drinks Lilt?
450
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:33,399
No, I mean feelings
is the thing I have.
451
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:34,839
What are you talking about?
452
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,319
Look, I know this is
coming out of nowhere, Shell,
453
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:42,559
but you're the real reason
that I haven't left Drumban,
454
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,999
because I have...
455
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,000
feelings for you.
456
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:51,920
Well, yeah.
457
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,999
You knew?
458
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,239
How could I not know?
(SIGHS)
459
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,039
Jesus, Sonny,
you're not exactly subtle.
460
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,759
Once you wrote, "Love me"
in your leftover chips.
461
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,919
(LAUGHS)
What? Did I?
462
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:07,960
Did that work?
463
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,719
Has anyone seen Miss Patterson?
I need to ask her about the show.
464
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,839
She left with my Dad
465
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,439
and her Dad.
She left with our Dads.
466
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,599
Hey, why didn't you tell me
my Dad left?
467
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,759
Because I was building up
to telling you that I loved you.
468
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,559
Well, that could've fuckin' waited.
469
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,519
Any idea where they went?
And also, what crisps do you have?
470
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:31,399
They're going to my house.
Do you have crisps there?
471
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,639
Look, Sonny, the way I see it
you've two options,
472
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,839
either you move on
and find someone your own age
473
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,319
who's actually interested
or you hang around,
474
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,599
wait until I give in
and we eventually get married
475
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,559
because we've no other options.
476
00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:46,359
So- So you're saying to just...
477
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,199
wait for a decade or so?
478
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,159
Sure.
479
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,239
Cos I can totally do that,
sure,
480
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,519
hanging around
is basically my thing.
481
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,399
Look, you're in charge of the pub, right?
482
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,759
(DOOR OPENS)
Well, now that's commitment.
483
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,240
Any peanuts or..?
484
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,360
No? Ah, fuck it.
485
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:10,200
I'll wait!
486
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:13,280
(DOOR CLOSES)
487
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,680
How does a bar work then?
488
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:28,879
Here, Catherine!
You have to get inside.
489
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,879
(SCOFFS) What's this?
The three feckin' amigos' reunion?
490
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:36,359
Seriously, it's not safe out here.
Don't you fuckin' dare push me.
491
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,799
Mrs Proctor, I have been
studying these beings
492
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,519
for a long time,
and they are coming back.
493
00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:45,119
(CROWS CAW)
494
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,159
I see you've recruited the local
ghost to your psychic circle.
495
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,319
Jesus, Seamie,
not more of this alien crap.
496
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:53,000
I am begging you,
please come inside.
497
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:55,160
What's she doing here?
498
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:58,280
They took me too, Catherine.
499
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,080
And me.
500
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:04,799
The night that you had
your accident.
501
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:06,999
The aliens, is it?
(LAUGHS)
502
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,440
(CROWS CONTINUE CAWING)
503
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,239
Ah!
504
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,599
They're back? Fuck, they're here.
505
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,799
What the hell is that?
506
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,679
About fucking time.
507
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,640
What? You weren't taking the piss?
508
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:28,119
(PLAYS THE TIN WHISTLE)
509
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,159
- Oh!
- Fuck!
Jesus Christ!
510
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,039
Oh my God!
511
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,879
My legs!
Let her go, you bastards!
512
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,079
(GASPS)
513
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:37,279
Seamie?
514
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,839
Pubba,
put your fuckin' whistle away!
515
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,799
Oh, Seamie!
Let her go!
516
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,519
Mother of Zeus.
517
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,639
(WHIMPERING)
518
00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,280
I Am Celt!
519
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,839
(GRUNTS)
Who the fuck are you?
520
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,359
(SCREAMING)
521
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,519
Not her! Me!
522
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,519
God fucking save us.
523
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,639
(CREATURE SHRIEKING)
524
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,959
(GRUNTS)
Argh!
525
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:07,759
She doesn't wanna go! Do me!
526
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,559
Da!
527
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:10,719
Take me!
528
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,319
What are you at?
529
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:14,999
Take me!
530
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,439
(GASPS)
531
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:18,320
Ah come on, fuck!
532
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:21,959
Wait!
533
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,000
It's OK.
534
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:26,280
Let's get inside, come on.
535
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:30,279
Have you got a key?
536
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:31,959
Come back!
Come on, Dad.
537
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,280
(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
(CHITTERING)
538
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,239
That was a spaceship.
Jesus Christ!
539
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,399
Are you OK?
- It was a fucking spaceship.
- My legs.
540
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:47,639
I held back a fuckin' spaceship.
I'm going back out.
541
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,359
Woah, no, you are staying on planet
Earth, whether you like it or not.
542
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,559
So this is real? This is a thing?
543
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,880
Yeah, this is a whole ordeal.
544
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,360
And they were here
the night of the accident.
545
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:04,360
That's why I crashed the car.
546
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,759
Why didn't you tell her that?!
547
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,599
Because then I'd have to tell her
everything.
548
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,439
So you'd rather me hate you
than risk telling me the truth?
549
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,199
You hated me?
(MOBILE NOTIFICATION DING)
550
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:21,760
"Going great here,
lots and lots of laughs."
551
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:24,919
What?
552
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,920
I feel bad now for all
the shitty things I did.(SIGHS)
553
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,000
Consider yourself forgiven.
554
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:38,839
I gave Matt a hand job
in your waiting room once.
555
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:40,079
When he had a verruca.
556
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,599
Well, I mean, I tried to
but he couldn't get hard.
557
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,559
Why are you telling me this?
I dunno, it feels good to confess.
558
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:47,000
Not to fuckin' me!
559
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:50,959
(CREATURE CHITTERING)
560
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,879
Why do they keep coming here?
What do they want?
561
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:57,679
I don't know, but maybe it's to do
with the magnet mine
562
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,639
or the alabaster hills,
they're like a...
563
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,039
a big fuckin' arrow
564
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,720
saying, "Land here, we were chosen."
565
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,959
Well, whoopdy-fuckin'-doo.
566
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:12,320
(SCREECHING OUTSIDE)
567
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,160
What the fuck?
568
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:18,360
(SCREECHING CONTINUES)
569
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,640
What the fuck is that?
570
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:23,760
An alien?
571
00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:28,519
Is it just me, or does that alien
look exactly like...
572
00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:29,799
An Dobhar Chu.
573
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,839
(CHITTERING)
574
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,520
(AUDIENCE AWW)
575
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:39,240
Avenge my flock, An Dagda!
576
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,079
I Am Celt!
577
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,919
(WAILS)
578
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:46,519
(SCREAMS)
579
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,599
That wasn't in the script.
580
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:49,719
Improv.
581
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:50,759
Ha!
582
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:52,200
(DOBHAR CHU CHITTERS)
583
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,959
Jesus.
I'm not crazy, right?
584
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,919
(CHITTERING CONTINUES)
It is the spit of an Dobhar Chu.
585
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:02,319
What the fuck do aliens have to do
with Celts?
586
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:03,879
Oh, Jesus.
587
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,560
(What the hell are you doing?)
(Dad.)
588
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,759
Ah, it's OK.
589
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:12,639
Come on, come on.
590
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,520
No, oh, oh...
591
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:17,440
Greetings.
592
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:22,840
I am Pubba McGoldrick, of the Earth.
593
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,399
(CHITTERS)
594
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:26,999
We come in peace.
595
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,559
Get out of here, you mongrel.
596
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:30,600
Oh!
597
00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:34,120
Oh, shit.
(SCREAMS)
598
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,840
Fuckin' space blood.
599
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,319
What did you do?
600
00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:46,239
I think it was playing fetch.
601
00:34:46,240 --> 00:34:49,519
Is it dead?
Well, he's not very well.
602
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,760
(TROMBONE NOISES)
You're welcome.
603
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,720
(AUDIENCE CHEER/APPLAUSE)
604
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:02,599
Mad mucker number two! That's me!
There I am.
605
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,279
Did you see my boggy back field?
606
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:06,879
Beautiful, wasn't it?
607
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,519
I was hoping the petrol station
might get featured
608
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,359
but sure I suppose
there's timeline issues.
609
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,279
What's the verdict, folks?
610
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:15,799
You like it?
We loved it.
611
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,319
Bona fide triumph.
612
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,079
Comedy gold.
613
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,600
Oh, I think it's dying.
Should we...
614
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:26,159
try and save it?
615
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:27,919
You're the doctor, do something.
616
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,279
Hey, hey, if someone wants to give
the thing mouth-to-mouth
617
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:32,319
I won't stop them.
618
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:34,999
I'm not giving it mouth-to-mouth,
look at its bollocks there.
619
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,399
(THE ANIMAL SQUEAKS)
It's not even a human.
620
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,439
Yeah, but all the same,
621
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,879
I wouldn't be giving
mouth-to-mouth to a male dog even.
622
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,599
Oh, but I'd catch you giving
mouth-to-mouth to a female dog?
623
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:46,719
Yeah, I did, and it worked,
624
00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:48,839
and I'd do it again, gladly.
625
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:51,559
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh crap, I- I have to take this.
626
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,920
Yeah, work away, all quiet in here.
627
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,399
Chet, hi!
'Busy?'
628
00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,839
No! No... Of course.
Are you fuckin' kidding?
629
00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:01,959
Go.
630
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:03,240
Jesus.
631
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:07,480
Urgh.
632
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,400
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
633
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,319
Urgh.
Oh, Christ, I'm gonna puke.
634
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,279
You're not helping, Shelly.
635
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:24,719
We were trying to walk that line,
"mystorical... dramady."
636
00:36:24,720 --> 00:36:26,319
(AN DOBHAR CHU FARTS)
637
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:27,680
(RETCHES)
638
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:30,359
Must've been on your end.
639
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,120
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
640
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,359
Can I get a Long Island Iced Tea?
641
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,919
Sure thing, let me
just get the kettle on.
642
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:43,039
Excuse me? Hello?
Romance, bloodshed, pratfalls,
643
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:44,839
what's not to love?
644
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,479
It's a hell of a combo alright.
645
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:50,840
Next season I can get you proper
blood though, as much as you like.
646
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,199
Wow, that's generous.
647
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,160
Well, it won't be free.
But you won't find it cheaper.
648
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:01,439
I liked the bit where the Dagda
was making eyes at his Mammy.
649
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:05,679
Aye, that didn't make sense, why was
he getting off with his own mother?
650
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,039
He's the God of agriculture, Keith,
651
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:09,599
as any farmer will tell ya,
652
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,000
it can be a very lonely life,
so it can.
653
00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:26,240
(SNORTING SOUNDS)
Sorry.
654
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:29,439
Sorry.
655
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,520
Need a little pick-me-up?
656
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:37,959
OK.
657
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,799
It won't kill you, like.
658
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,000
(SIGHS)
659
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,599
Ah, look,
by the power vested in me,
660
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,040
I now pronounce
this fuckin' thing dead.
661
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,079
(SIGHS)
My God, has anyone got a mint?
662
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,159
I'm sorry, I'm literally
chewing on my last one.
663
00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:55,999
So what are we gonna do
with this thing?
664
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,519
This is first contact,
665
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:02,159
the most momentous event in history,
666
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,119
we need to tell the world.
Woah, woah, woah.
667
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,119
We're not calling anyone
until we've discussed our options.
668
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:09,879
Who made you boss?
669
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:11,559
(COUGHS) She's my boss.
670
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,159
I think Pubba's right,
I think we should have a vote.
671
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:15,199
Thank you.
672
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:19,879
Can I abstain? Out of respect
for this weird, innocent dog thing.
673
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,519
I vote we throw
the fucker in the lake.
674
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,079
If we tell anyone,
675
00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:29,239
the government's gonna put a big
fence around this whole town
676
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:31,359
and do weird, secret tests on us
677
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:35,840
while soldiers with guns and gas
masks keep us from going anywhere.
678
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,400
Trust me, I live in America.
679
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,199
(She does.)
680
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:46,159
Plus, if we want any hope
681
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,959
of a second season of I Am Celt,
682
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,279
it is probably
in all of our interests
683
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,599
to stop Drumban
from turning into Area 51.
684
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:56,239
- Can I un-abstain?
- ALL: No.
Can we vote on that?
685
00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:57,999
No.
Fuck.
686
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:03,120
All those in favour of showing
this thing to the world, hands up.
687
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:11,360
All those in favour of dumping
this creature in the lake.
688
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:20,960
(SIGHS)
689
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:25,440
I mean, you can feckin' do it.
690
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:43,439
You know,
691
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,999
I went to Old Grange looking for ya.
692
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:47,559
The last time I was here?
693
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:49,879
Aye.
Why?
694
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,479
I dunno.
695
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:57,600
I suppose it crossed my mind that
we might make each other happy.
696
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:02,280
(LAUGHS)
697
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:07,440
Thanks.
698
00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:15,399
Oh, well,
this is a good a place as any.
699
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:16,440
Yeah.
700
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,679
What are they gabbing about?
701
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,800
The show getting renewed, probably.
702
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,239
Come on, baby,
703
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,359
glow for me.
704
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:30,720
Are you ready?
705
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,479
On three,
706
00:40:36,480 --> 00:40:38,759
one,
707
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,319
two,
708
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:41,680
three.
(GRUNTS)
709
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,640
(PANTING)
710
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,600
(SCREAMS)
Oh shit.
711
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,359
Seamus? You gobshite.
712
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:07,920
(LAUGHING)
713
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:15,439
Just- Just sit down,
shut the fuck up.
714
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,600
(LAUGHS)
Fine.
715
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,320
(MATT AND KEITH SHOUTING)
716
00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:33,399
I'll lob you in two and be back home
to ride me Ma before tea.
717
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:36,520
What would you say that is?
718
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,720
That's no bird.
719
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:54,960
Plot feckin' twist.
720
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:06,480
(APPLAUSE)
721
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:29,600
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
722
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,799
Oh hey, Pubba.
Good man.
723
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:36,759
Right, let the inaugural meeting
724
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,959
of the committee
to bring aliens to Drumban
725
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:41,120
commence.
726
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,600
(LOW DRONING)
727
00:43:23,720 --> 00:43:24,719
(CHITTER)
728
00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:26,759
♪ I'm alive!
729
00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:29,399
♪ And I see things
mighty clear today
730
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,760
♪ I'm alive!
731
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,000
♪ I'm alive!
732
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,319
♪ And I'm breathin'
clean fresh air today,
733
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:41,159
♪ I'm alive!
734
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,240
♪ Yes I...
735
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,800
♪ And I'm real!
736
00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:49,199
♪ I can taste and touch
and see and feel
737
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:50,920
♪ I'm alive
738
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:56,519
♪ I'm alive!
739
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,359
♪ And I'm doin' my thing
and singin' my song,
740
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:00,399
♪ I'm alive!
741
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:05,079
♪ Oh yeah, hey! ♪
742
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:06,479
(SONG FADES)
743
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:09,880
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