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1
00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:05,200
The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
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00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,840
(PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)
3
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,279
(PHONE CHIMES)
No.
4
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,759
BRAD: 'Wendy? What is that?'
ASTRID: 'Hey!'
5
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,519
Brad? Christ.
(PHONE CHIMING)
6
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,799
Good morning.
'Well, it may be there
7
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,039
but it's not morning here
and it's not good.'
8
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,119
'Are we looking at her ear?
9
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,439
We have a bit of a problem, Wendy.'
10
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,559
Josh is here. Hey, man.
Hiya, mate.
11
00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,719
There they are! (LAUGHS)
I trust the wrap party went well?
12
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,399
Yeah, fun. Lots of it.
Er, looks like we woke you, Wendy.
13
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,639
Astrid in Amsterdam? I thought
you were on, um, maternity leave?
14
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,759
Well, yeah, I'm supposed to be.
That's a cute fuckin' baby.
15
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,519
So I wanted to jump on
as we were concerned
16
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,039
about a copyright issue
regarding I Am Celt
17
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,559
that came via our London office.
18
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,719
So, Derek will catch you up.
19
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,759
Hiya, mate! Nice to see you!
20
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,919
Is it?
Well, turns out
21
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,119
we don't actually own the rights...
(BABY CRYING)
22
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,719
...to the book.
But, well...
23
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,879
I mean, the writer of the show
wrote the book
24
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,919
so...
Not according to Publishing House.
25
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,799
Book author has a different name,
and we don't have
26
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,799
an authorised signatory
for our contracts.
27
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,839
(DEEP EXHALE)
28
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,159
So, er, every day we don't have
29
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,319
official signature is a risk.
30
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:45,599
And obviously,
I Am Celt will never make it
31
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,599
to the big screen
until we get it, yeah.
32
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,159
(WHISPERS) Why am I here?
Well, this is my hotel room.
33
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:54,519
So, it goes without saying,
although I'll say it,
34
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:58,319
we need the official sign-off
from the rights holder ASAP
35
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,039
as possible.
Yeah, I'll get right on that,
36
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,919
I'm sure it's just
an oversight or something.
37
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,439
Maybe ask the author
about some of the...
38
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,959
historical inaccuracies
we're seeing in the early cuts.
39
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,159
- What?
- Er, we're the studio
that made Tall Napoleon.
40
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,839
You guys all read the source
material. Isn't it all in the book?
41
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,679
No.
No.
42
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:18,559
But if I were you, I'd have a little
tete-a-tete with the screenwriter,
43
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,759
since it was you who did the deal
on the book in the first place.
44
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,959
Yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES)
45
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,359
Great to see you, Wendy!
- Hey! Hey Carl!
- Hey Carl!
46
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,919
(EXCITABLE GREETINGS)
Oh, Carl from Catering's here!
47
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,079
OK, well, I'd better
track down that writer.
48
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,919
(OVERLAPPING, CHEERFUL GOODBYES)
Absolutely. Thanks, guys.
49
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,720
(SIGHS)
50
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,439
Why am I in your room?
51
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,559
Was exactly the question I asked
as you poured yourself into my bed,
52
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,559
but alas, you weren't awake
long enough to answer it.
53
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,119
Worry not, Wendy darling.
Nothing happened.
54
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,999
I've just been sitting here
listening to you snore,
55
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,080
like a pretty little pig.
56
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,519
I don't think dairy is your friend.
57
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,079
Why is the book not registered
in your name, Jack?
58
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,559
Macchiato?
59
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,560
I'm presuming it's a mix-up?
60
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,960
Do you know what your lanky friend,
Napoleon, said about history?
61
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,839
Why am I in your room?
No, no.
62
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,239
He said that, "History
63
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,839
is a set of lies agreed upon."
Isn't that clever?
64
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:21,879
(SLURPS DRINK)
You assured me
65
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,519
that your manuscript underwent
standard academic sourcing,
66
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,599
and now my colleagues are...
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.
67
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,479
I would love to tell you
which words are gospel
68
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,399
and which are embellishment.
69
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,999
Sadly I just don't know.
Well, why don't you know?
70
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,560
You wrote the fucking book.
Well... (SCOFFS)
71
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,159
And I think you'll find this funny.
72
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,840
Please tell me you wrote the book.
73
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,879
Get the fuck out of your room.
74
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,920
♪ THE BONK: Future 87 ♪
75
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,559
♪ It all happened
76
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,719
♪ By accident
77
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,240
♪ Bodies without names
intersecting planes
78
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:17,119
♪ Of their strange vector veins
79
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,559
♪ Europe is
80
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,199
♪ Incontinent
81
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,120
♪ But Philip's still alive... ♪
82
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,560
Wendy? I'm well-acquainted
with the actual author, of course.
83
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,000
Your name is on the fucking cover.
84
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,480
Wendy? Wendy?!
85
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,479
Our night may have ended tamely,
but we shared a cuddle
86
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:05,039
on the dancefloor that would've
made Beelzebub blush.
87
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,799
Where the hell is the author, Jack?
We need their signature.
88
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,160
In the beautiful industrial city
of Birmingham!
89
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,199
We could visit? Oh...
90
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,440
Get your passport, dipshit.
91
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,479
I'll catch you later, so!
92
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,520
WOMAN: Good morning, sir.
93
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,559
(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
94
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,199
Miss! Miss,
Brendan's about to show hole.
95
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,080
Would you put that toga down,
Brendan?
96
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,119
Right, look, let's summarise.
97
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,839
Men of Rome, what say ye?
98
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,359
We Romans hate you Celtic hordes!
99
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,520
(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)
100
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,199
But what are your specific
objections to the Celts,
101
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,599
based on a millennium of conflicts?
102
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,119
The Celts are accused on three
counts: you drink too much...
103
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,279
(CHEERING)
104
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,479
...you sing too much...
(LAUGHTER)
105
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,239
...and you allow women
far too much power.
106
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,479
(JEERING)
You little bastard.
107
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,199
You can't say...
Alright, alright.
108
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,079
Calm down before
I have to roll over you.
109
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,120
(LAUGHTER)
110
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,439
So, you're telling me that any
111
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,879
male roman citizen could
accuse someone of a crime
112
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,159
and then prosecute him or her?
(CLASSMATES MURMUR)
113
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,319
That's right.
And all I have to say is,
114
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,079
she's my wife and she cheated on me
and she stole my chariot.
115
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,760
(CAR HORN BEEPS)
116
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,039
The power women once had
117
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,639
is a fair contrast to today though.
118
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,400
In birth, death and love.
119
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,759
Women had more sexual freedom
120
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,159
in ancient Celtic society.
121
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:55,120
It was a polygamous
and polyandrous culture...
122
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,119
...meaning both men and women
123
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,640
could have multiple spouses.
124
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,919
Love gave way to life
and death back then,
125
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:10,399
so the idea of betrayal
was an alien one.
126
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,519
And if you did feel shame,
127
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,599
at least you wouldn't live
long enough to die from it.
128
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,199
(OLD WESTERN-STYLE GUNSHOT)
129
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,720
It was a good time for men.
They just need to remember that.
130
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,639
Seamie, come quick.
131
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,799
I think Mammy might be dead.
132
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,840
(CLOCK CHIMES)
133
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,639
What are you gonna do, Doctor?
134
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,760
Er, there's not a whole lot
I can do, Barry.
135
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,719
Er, when did you last speak to her?
136
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,839
Well, I was at a sustainable farming
conference in Thurles Monday
137
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,199
and stayed the night.
She waved me off.
138
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,399
(CLEARS THROAT TEARFULLY)
139
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,519
Before I left,
I really started to think
140
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,879
that her breath was very faint.
141
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,239
It was like one of those hairdryers
with the wrong plug.
142
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,400
It was like...
143
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,520
(PROLONGED, WEAK EXHALE)
144
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,719
Sounds like maybe she hasn't really
been breathing then for...
145
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,639
four days?
I mean she's holding Sunday's paper.
146
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,199
Well, when I got home,
I was worried that she'd
147
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,999
get mad at me for disturbing her
for no reason, you know.
148
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,839
You thought she'd be annoyed at you
after she was already dead?
149
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,800
Ah, she could be testy
in the mornings.
150
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,560
Doctor, is there any... protocol?
151
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,120
Er...
152
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,159
Er...
153
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,679
By the power vested in me,
154
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,840
I now pronounce your mother dead.
155
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,719
My God, Mammy.
156
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,319
(CRYING)
157
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,199
Can I hug her now?
158
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,680
You can, Barry.
159
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,239
Dad, you've got your big
meeting tomorrow.
160
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,879
Are you sure the health board
will be cool with you doing this?
161
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,279
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's all good.
162
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,880
They're just ticking boxes
and whatnot.
163
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,759
Ah. Sorry for your loss, Barry.
164
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,760
Cheers, Sonny.
165
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,239
She was a remarkable woman.
166
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,559
Incredibly strict.
167
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,920
Did she have any final words?
168
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,960
Oh, let me think.
169
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,799
We were watching the weather
forecast, she loved that.
170
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,679
The changing seasons.
171
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,839
And she thought the meteorologist's
dress was way too tight.
172
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,279
Right. Fashionable to the end.
Aye.
173
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:47,640
"A slut for the rain", she said.
174
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,279
And then Mammy just kind of...
175
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,320
drifted off.
176
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,879
You're up early.
(BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY)
177
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,559
(SIGHS) It feels like
it's been a minute.
178
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:20,080
What? Didn't we do it last...
179
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,759
...month?
180
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,799
That's a lot more than a minute.
181
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,840
(CHUCKLES)
182
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,799
Seamie, sweetheart,
it's lovely and all.
183
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,839
Mm-hm. (KISSING)
184
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,200
But I just woke up,
I'm dying for a whizz.
185
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,920
Can you...?
186
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,000
Of course.
187
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,880
Can't compete with a full bladder.
188
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,800
♪ MARCEL AMONT:
Tout Doux Tout Doucement ♪
189
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,360
(DOOR OPENS)
190
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,159
So let me get this straight.
191
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,959
You didn't write the book,
192
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,279
and you're not a historian.
No.
193
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,080
But have you heard me sing
Brown Eyed Girl?
194
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,039
This cover gives the impression
that it was authored by an academic.
195
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,639
Well, no lie told,
the author is a doctor.
196
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,679
So he is a doctor?
Well,
197
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,120
she... is a dentist.
198
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,279
Sorry. The author of the book
is a dentist from Birmingham?
199
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,759
Dr Fatima Balakrishnan is a master
of root canals and the Bronze Age.
200
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,519
I was wondering why the script
got so different from the book!
201
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,879
I might've missed that.
202
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,839
I've had a lot on my mind.
203
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,479
Wendy, darling, worry not.
I may have sprinkled the odd fantasy
204
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,519
to bring the past to life
for the viewer,
205
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,039
but your television programme
will be much the better for it.
206
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,919
What are your primary sources?
Ah! Writers have different sources.
207
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,679
We're... We're sponges
of the soul, you know?
208
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,679
From which bath did you
squeeze out the stuff
209
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,839
about the Goddess Brigid
fucking her son?
210
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:15,079
I believe I heard that theory
on a historical podcast.
211
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,160
A podcast?
212
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,519
What is it called?
213
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,759
Toilet Break History with Gabbie
the Greek and Johnny What-What.
214
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,479
Professors, are they? Gabbie the
Greek and Johnny fuckin' Who-Who?
215
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,599
Johnny What-What! Have some respect,
the man used to be deaf.
216
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,599
Jules, step on it.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
217
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,520
(IMITATES REVVING ENGINE)
218
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,039
♪ JOE DOLAN: Lady In Blue ♪
♪ Will we ever meet again?
219
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:53,639
♪ Or is this just a one-night stand?
220
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,639
(PLAYING ON RADIO)
♪ But as I hold you in my arms
221
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:02,239
♪ I wish this night would never end
222
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,720
♪ Oh, my lady, lady blue...
(MUSIC DISTORTS)
223
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,080
(WOMAN SPEAKING MANDARIN)
224
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,159
♪ And let me hold you like before...
225
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,960
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
226
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:22,599
♪ Oh, my lady, lady blue... ♪
227
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,640
(PLANE ENGINE RUMBLES)
228
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,239
(WHISTLING SOFTLY)
229
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,879
What was the name of that programme
used to be on?
230
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,399
Where they were all living
on a spaceship for some reason?
231
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,399
Star Trek?
No.
232
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,400
Battlestar Galactica?
No.
233
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,239
Are we gonna get more clues
or are we just guessing now?
234
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,999
Was one of them a cat maybe?
235
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,839
One of the astronauts was a cat?
Yes.
236
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,199
Red Dwarf.
(SNAPS FINGERS) The very one.
237
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,680
Good woman, Wendy.
238
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,479
Why, are they bringing it back
or something, Jack?
239
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,319
Oh, I've no idea, Julian. No,
I was trying to recall what it was
240
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,879
they called those stars in space
241
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,239
that expand far too quickly
242
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,520
and implode violently...
243
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,679
...and then diminish into nothing
but a lonely rock
244
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,120
floating in a vast abyss.
245
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,119
And now I know!
246
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,600
Thanks to my good friend
and bedfellow here.
247
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,999
Cos that's it, isn't it?
248
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,560
Now, the British Empire...
249
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,759
...a wee red dwarf.
250
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,959
(SNORTS)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
251
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,999
(PA SYSTEM CHIMES)
'Flight ASB267
252
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,719
to Birmingham is now open
for boarding at Gate 3A.'
253
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,519
Jules, can you Google Maps to see
254
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,199
how long the journey
is on the other end?
255
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,279
Oh, it shouldn't be longer than
20 minutes, depending on traffic.
256
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,439
You've been to the author's house?
257
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,119
Yes. (LAUGHS)
258
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,160
Seeing as I lived there.
259
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,439
You lived with the author? When?
260
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,999
Well...
261
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,359
er, primarily...
262
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,519
when we were married.
263
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,159
We're going to see your ex-wife?!
264
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,839
And I would've told her
we were coming, I promise.
265
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,679
But I'm yet to be convinced
by the need for a mobile telephone.
266
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,240
Fucking kill me now, Baby Jesus.
267
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,279
Not a happy little bear.
268
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,560
Why was it... that he was a cat?
269
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,759
God knows.
270
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,760
TV is full of stupids.
271
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,800
(DOOR OPENS)
272
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,639
Is this the room for bold boys?
273
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,319
(CHUCKLES)
274
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,159
Dr Seamus Proctor, 3:00PM hearing?
275
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,239
Aye.
Ah, take a seat.
276
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:52,280
Sorry to keep you, just very busy
out there in the practice.
277
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,559
Do you need tea or coffee
or anything?
278
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,239
Er, tea please.
279
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,440
Um, mine's just a milky one.
280
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,639
What?
281
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:05,599
The refreshments are
just behind you there,
282
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,080
I'm sure you can help yourself.
Aye.
283
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,959
Aye, you know, I'm grand for tea.
284
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,200
I'm just glad to be here
to clear all this up.
285
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,439
Clear this up? Clear what up?
286
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,279
Well, I'm not sure.
287
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,239
This is my first disciplinary hearing
288
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,199
in my 17 years
of practising medicine, so...
289
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,559
Er, your father
290
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,559
was the local GP in Drumban prior,
is that right?
291
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,839
He was, yeah.
Oh, isn't that so nice?
292
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,720
Inheriting Daddy's practice.
293
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,839
I still went to medical school,
- obviously.
- OK.
294
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,359
It's not something you just
hand down like a watch.
295
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,679
Yeah, where did you acquire
that nice watch?
296
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,079
My father gave it to me. Er...
297
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,919
Oh.
Look.
298
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,039
I am a very good doctor.
Mm.
299
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,599
Did your father have many people
calling the health board
300
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,079
about him having maybe gone a bit...
301
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,000
One sec now.
302
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:06,879
...cuckoo?
303
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,280
(SCOFFS) Who called saying that?
304
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,280
I thought this was just like a...
a box ticking thing.
305
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,279
Sorry, no offence. It's, er...
306
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,199
Is it the fact that I've had some
experience of alien abduction?
307
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,999
That certainly has
no impact on my work.
308
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,599
Um, credibility?
Mm.
309
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,039
(SCOFFS)
And grandiose delusions.
310
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,679
Well, I'm not delusional, so
stick that up your hole for a start.
311
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,239
Mm.
Not up your hole.
312
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,039
Sorry, like,
I should've said pipe, maybe.
313
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,719
Stick it up your pipe, is it?
314
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,639
P-I-P-E?
315
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,439
Surely when an employee discloses
something as significant
316
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,479
as a historic abduction,
you should believe him.
317
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,399
You're on temporary leave
pending further investigation.
318
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,559
The employee is customarily
given the final say,
319
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,280
but unfortunately,
we're just out of time.
320
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,799
(SCOFFS) What, so that's it then?
321
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,039
You were late as well,
do you remember?
322
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,160
(SIGHS)
323
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,999
I'm a good doctor.
324
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,360
I'm a very good doctor.
325
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,240
Mm-hm.
326
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,720
Fuckin' temporary leave?
327
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,120
I see she's painted
the front door again.
328
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,800
(ROBOT WHIRS)
329
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,000
(ROBOT CHIMES)
(CHUCKLES)
330
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,080
(ROBOT CHIMES)
(LAUGHS)
331
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,600
(ROBOT CHIMES)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
332
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,599
How's Barry Battles doing?
333
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,439
Mm, OK.
334
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,839
I mean, he lost his mother
so, you know.
335
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,719
Yep, gone like that.
336
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,840
Which is why we should take every
opportunity to enjoy ourselves.
337
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,839
Carpe diem is it, Mam?
338
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:54,719
Well, I'd leave the Latin to
the accountants and the clergymen,
339
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,079
but in Irish we'd say,
340
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,119
"Tapaigh an deis."
341
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,320
Take your chance.
342
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,679
Hard to argue with that.
To Barry's mam.
343
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,639
And my first dead body.
344
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,159
Aww. Well,
stick with medicine, Sonny.
345
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,240
It certainly won't be your last.
(CHUCKLES)
346
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,199
Tapaigh an deis.
347
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,720
(CHUCKLES)
348
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,639
I really loved your book.
349
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,719
Oh, she may as well have
moved into the library
350
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,639
when she was researching it,
the big swot.
351
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,959
We are more than happy to offer you
352
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,039
the premium Guild rate.
Oh!
353
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,639
I have the contract right here.
354
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:41,119
You can either sign it on my phone,
run it by your lawyer.
355
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,040
Your call.
356
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,319
Just work with me here.
357
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,520
Is that figure in pounds or euro?
358
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,879
Pounds.
Oooh!
359
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,119
And I'm curious as to how
360
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,519
you came about writing Am I Celt.
361
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:00,639
I've been obsessed with the Celts
since I was Suri's age.
362
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,159
Probably why I fell for this idiot.
363
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,119
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well,
I also had a motorcycle at the time.
364
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,720
And I still have my job
at the paper.
365
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,159
The paper?
I had a weekly football column
366
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,799
called "Whispering Wolves"
in The Black Country Gazette.
367
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,839
So, you're a sports writer?
Football?
368
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,279
Not the Celts, not even history.
369
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,799
(CHUCKLES) Well, not anymore.
370
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,919
I'm a screenwriter now,
making history.
371
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,959
They fired Daddy because
of stupid cancel culture.
372
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,800
Suri!
373
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,160
What did you do?
Err...
374
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,239
I was filmed...
375
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,040
kicking a dachshund
outside St Paul's Cathedral.
376
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,239
People went bananas.
So, wait, you were
377
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,199
publicly shamed for kicking a dog?
378
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,199
It was accidental, obviously.
379
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,639
The "kick,"
I was just swinging my foot.
380
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,639
I thought it was autumnal leaves.
Such a short dog.
381
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,560
CCTV is the devil.
382
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,199
Doctor...
383
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,639
(WHISPERS) Balakrishnan.
Dr Balakashkin,
384
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,919
you have written a stunning account,
385
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,959
and we would like to share it.
386
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,559
In relation to the option agreement,
387
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,679
is there a magic number
in your head that...
388
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,239
It's not just about the money
for me, Miss Patterson.
389
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,279
Promises were made when I agreed
Jack could put his name on my book.
390
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,719
Promises?
391
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,239
If your show makes it to the TV,
where would we even watch it?
392
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,719
Oh, for...
393
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,399
(WHISPERING) Is this the flipping
corner console again, Fatima?
394
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,079
More bloody corner console chat!
395
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,959
Well, how can an author whose book
has been adapted for television
396
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,519
watch the show with her daughter?
- Dad!
- What?
397
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,999
We've been watching TV like this!
398
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,239
Like mice, it's insanity.
399
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,879
I can get a new TV stand Fatima.
We don't need one.
400
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,039
That one's never been out of the box,
despite being here for eight months.
401
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,319
- Until today.
- Well,
you could've rested it on the box.
402
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,599
Wait, are you saying
if he builds this TV stand,
403
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,079
you'll sign the contract?
No.
404
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,319
And increase this offer by 20%.
Well, that...
405
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,960
25, because you're pretty.
406
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:04,879
Done.
407
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,720
Oh and-and-and I'm what?
I'm building furniture?
408
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,199
Suri, you are one smart cookie.
409
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,919
Fatima, I am delighted
to be in business with you.
410
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,879
You will hear from me very soon.
411
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,719
These are screenwriting hands.
These are not assembling hands.
412
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,359
Start drilling, Jack.
413
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,120
I'll be waiting for you in the car,
I promise.
414
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,399
What? Ah...
415
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,079
Get on with it.
No, good, good.
416
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,480
No, I've been... I've been
meaning to get around to it.
417
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,919
Can I just say, I have never
met a samosa I didn't like.
418
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,240
Yeah, this is when we drive off.
419
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,360
(ENGINE STARTS)
420
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,160
(DRILL WHIRS)
421
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,239
May the Lord be kind to her, Barry.
422
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,919
Thanks, Rory.
I'm sure he'll do his best.
423
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:57,599
Mrs Boner.
424
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,719
Ah.
425
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,039
Barry.
426
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:05,439
Decent turnout, Barry. She'd be
delighted with these numbers.
427
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,399
She left instructions, of course.
Hey, you know the way she'd be.
428
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,119
Um, she'll be well missed, Barry.
429
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,799
A more honest woman
you would never meet.
430
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,839
Ah. Thanks, Pubba.
431
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:20,479
Yeah, she never saw
the need for lies, did Mammy.
432
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,759
"Coward cushions,"
she used to call them.
433
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:24,800
Mm.
434
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,239
Is it just me or...
435
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,919
are her teeth particularly white?
436
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,479
I should bloody hope so.
I was up half the night
437
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,639
scrubbing and polishing the gel off.
438
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,519
Off her teeth?
439
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,759
She left three simple requests.
440
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,200
Barry, listen carefully.
441
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,719
One, leave on my wedding ring
442
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,439
as it simply doesn't feel
like you'll need it.
443
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,199
Harsh, but fair.
Two,
444
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:56,879
bury me with that purse I got
in Majorca. It's special to me.
445
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,279
Ladies do love their bags.
446
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,000
And three, please give me
proper bleached teeth.
447
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,519
Bleached teeth?
Proper bleached teeth,
448
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,560
she seemed very sure about that.
449
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,279
Now you got me worried I overdid it.
Are they too white?
450
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,399
I dunno.
Was she a fan of the Bee Gees?
451
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,719
Shut up, you dopey cunt.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
452
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,239
(CRYING) Mam...
Mammy used to call me that.
453
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,879
Ah. I'm sorry, Barry.
454
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,519
Ah, she looks grand.
No, you're right. I went too far.
455
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:28,799
She looks like Simon feckin' Cowell.
456
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,359
Er...
457
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,799
Why don't you just, like...
put her lips together a bit.
458
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,479
Aye.
Close 'em.
459
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:38,679
Most removals these days
don't include a smiling corpse.
460
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,720
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY)
461
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,159
Aye, that's better.
462
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,880
She was never big
into smiles anyroad.
463
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,919
"Fake feathers,"
she used to call them.
464
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,079
You have her well turned out, Barry.
465
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:08,679
Fair play to you.
466
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,600
Very pale though, isn't she?
467
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,759
Might be the death.
468
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,079
Well, yes.
469
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,559
But when I think of Betty Battles,
I always see that radiant glow
470
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,039
and all that rouge.
471
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,399
Rouge? Like blusher on her face?
472
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,280
Well, yes.
Didn't she like the peach cheek?
473
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,759
A proper peach cheek.
474
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,759
Ah, she was well-known for it.
475
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,240
Give me proper peach cheeks.
476
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,720
Anyway, it's how I'll remember her.
477
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,920
Well, at least Saint Peter
will see her coming.
478
00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,200
Oh, aye. From through the clouds.
479
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,919
Ah, who are we to judge
a fuckin' thing, eh?
480
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,719
I'll just give you a quick weird hug
and I'll let you get on with it all.
481
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,759
Coolio, so Seamie.
I'll see you later.
482
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,800
Alright, Barry.
483
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,839
♪ JOE DOLAN: Lady In Blue ♪
♪ Who's that lady on her own?
484
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,959
♪ I wish that she would look my way
485
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:27,959
♪ She just stands there on her own
486
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:32,359
♪ A painted smile upon her face... ♪
487
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,120
(DOGS BARKING)
(SHELLY CHUCKLES)
488
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,080
Why did you sleep in his room?
489
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,119
Because they all look
the fucking same!
490
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,640
What? The men or the rooms?
491
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,719
I'm glad I ran into you,
and not just because of the weed.
492
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:53,999
Because this is
my last day in Drumban.
493
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,239
Oh, really?
You folk got all you need?
494
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,879
I think so.
495
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:01,639
We're gonna pick up some
publicity shots in Oldgrange later,
496
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,679
then I'm off.
497
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,080
I can't even imagine
leaving Drumban.
498
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,240
It's easier than you think.
499
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:12,960
You obviously never felt
comfortable in Drumban.
500
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,199
I did actually, once.
501
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,599
So why has it taken you
over 20 years to come back?
502
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,600
I don't know.
503
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,559
I guess I didn't wanna come back...
504
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,439
I don't know,
505
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:33,360
like some sad stowaway or something.
506
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,799
Damaged luggage returned.
Right.
507
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,239
You wanted to come back
with a show-in-tow like...
508
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,280
like Helen of Troy.
509
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,559
Yes, I actually fucking did.
510
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:50,119
I'm sorry but I wanted to come back
like Helen of cunting Troy.
511
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,000
No need to apologise,
not to me anyway.
512
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,439
I don't have to apologise
513
00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:00,359
because I've done nothing wrong!
514
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,640
Apart from the whole
wrong bed thing.
515
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,799
Besides the wrap party
516
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,520
and many other mistakes
that I have made!
517
00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:13,719
(PHONE RINGING, BUZZING)
Oh, shit.
518
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,839
I think I'd better go,
are you coming?
519
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,159
Nah, I'm gonna chill here
with Colonel and Sanders
520
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,839
for a wee minute.
521
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,200
We can't all leave.
522
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:38,959
(INHALES SHARPLY)
523
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,279
Fucking hell.
524
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,240
Holy shit.
525
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,080
Fuck the bed.
526
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:02,999
(CUTLERY CLINKING)
527
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,040
(STATIC NOISE CRACKLING)
528
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:11,679
Why is it moving around like that?
529
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:15,799
The drone technician says it's due
to unanticipated weather conditions.
530
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:17,799
Really?
531
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:21,279
They didn't anticipate that
winter in Ireland would be windy?
532
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:23,239
I...Well, I'm on the last
flight out of here
533
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:26,279
and I don't plan on missing it,
so I would love a hero shot
534
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,359
that didn't look like
the POV of a drunken bird.
535
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,400
Copy that.
536
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,999
Are they with us?
537
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,919
No, we don't have
any background today.
538
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,559
It's probably a hippie thing.
539
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,119
Apparently this place has
a Stonehenge vibe,
540
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:43,999
proper old.
541
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,919
It'll be a big draw for
the daydreamers and night dwellers.
542
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,879
Night dwellers?
543
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,279
Yeah, your ghost lovers,
your goths, your alien chasers.
544
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:55,960
What the hell do the Celts
have to do with aliens?
545
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,000
You tell me.
546
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:04,119
Chin up, please.
Big Jim!
547
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:06,199
Do you have a minute?
548
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,239
Always for you, boss.
549
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,800
Where's your baby?
550
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,239
Oh, fuck!
551
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:16,159
I've left the baby in the car!
552
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,519
I'm only messing,
the baby hasn't been born yet.
553
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,679
I'm just... rehearsing.
554
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,919
OK, listen, um...
555
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:27,239
I've been hearing that some press
may have been given the news
556
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,679
about your wife's
living arrangements,
557
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,679
which clearly is not ideal.
558
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,519
I may have spoken to a journo
559
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:36,959
about the prison thing.
Who'd you tell?
560
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,959
It's a local gym magazine
for priests who work out.
561
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,439
"Muscle Mass," it's called. (LAUGHS)
James.
562
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,959
We're gonna need you
to stop talking to journalists
563
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,239
for your own good. We've got a...
564
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,919
a whole strategy behind
our publicity campaign.
565
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,439
But he said he'd leave out the
sporking stuff if I just told him
566
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,439
some of the storyline.
Just don't talk to anyone.
567
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,400
Coolio?
Coolio.
568
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,399
RIP.
569
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:02,559
This show is your church now. OK?
570
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:04,319
That's a tough one for me, boss.
571
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,679
You see, I grew up an altar boy.
572
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:09,480
So you should know
how to shut the fuck up.
573
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,239
Just messing with ya!
574
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,359
(CHUCKLES) Christ! Brutal and funny.
575
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,520
Your Irish is coming back.
576
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,240
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
577
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:38,760
Can I get you anything, Seamie?
Nah.
578
00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:44,119
She'll be missed.
Betty was a tough woman,
579
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,360
but you knew
where you were with her.
580
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,280
Aye.
581
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:58,999
It'll be a different town next week
with the film crew gone.
582
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,719
Aye, back to normal.
583
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:04,199
I believe it's their last night,
the film crew.
584
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:06,479
Down in Oldgrange apparently.
585
00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,520
All of them.
586
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,719
Shelly? Could I have you a sec?
587
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,359
Is everything alright Barry?
Is there enough sandwiches?
588
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,479
Everything is fine. Just, er...
589
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:18,999
would you mind switching the music?
590
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,919
Sure, can do. Any requests?
591
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,479
No, just anything but the Bee Gees.
592
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,040
Gotcha.
593
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,199
Hey, I would've been absolutely lost
594
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,999
without this fella
the last while, Seamie.
595
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:35,760
Well, nice to see him
make himself useful.
596
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,560
(SCOFFS)
597
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:56,800
(CAR BEEPS OPEN)
598
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:01,159
(COUGHS)
Where you going, Seamie?
599
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,319
What, just to get some air?
600
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:04,999
And you need the car for that?
601
00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,080
No.
602
00:34:09,240 --> 00:34:12,839
I'm popping to Oldgrange.
What are you fuckin' talking about?
603
00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:15,559
Your friend's mother just died.
604
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,239
Barry won't even notice I'm gone.
605
00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:19,760
I'll be back before
the last pint's pulled.
606
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,799
Here, I've been meaning to ask you,
607
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:24,839
how did it go
with the medical board?
608
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:26,479
(SCOFFS)
609
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,679
Great, aye.
610
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:32,119
They temporarily suspended
my medical licence.
611
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,679
You're joking?
612
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:37,640
I hear Ibiza's very handsome
this time of year.
613
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,879
Maybe your spaceship can fly us.
614
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:42,920
(CHUCKLES)
615
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,200
Catherine...
616
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,760
...are you embarrassed by me?
617
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,400
Well, do you want me to be honest?
Why start now?
618
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,599
Excuse me?
619
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:01,359
(SIGHS)
620
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,239
Don't you think I feel
a bit embarrassed
621
00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:05,279
watching my wife of 20 years
making eyes
622
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,759
with some sappy maths teacher
every day?
623
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:11,000
Making eyes?
Making more than eyes I'd say.
624
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,119
Seamus, do you think
- I'm having an affair?
- No.
625
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,440
I know for sure.
626
00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:22,959
Since when?
627
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:25,680
Close enough to the start, I'd say.
628
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,200
Eh, you just smelled different.
629
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,279
And one day,
I realised that it was...
630
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,320
cheap men's deodorant.
631
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:39,479
Why didn't you say anything?
632
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:41,959
I don't know.
633
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,079
It was awful.
634
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,159
Knowing.
635
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,200
But you seemed happy.
636
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,239
Which meant that you weren't
moving heaven and earth
637
00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:54,760
to make me miserable,
like you usually are.
638
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,400
But it started to feel...
like you wanted to get caught.
639
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,360
It feels a bit cruel.
640
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:12,560
Maybe I did.
641
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,159
I'm sorry.
642
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:19,200
(SCOFFS)
643
00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:25,120
Do you want a divorce?
Aye.
644
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,839
Look, I think it's important...
645
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,879
I'm sure we'll have further
conversations, Catherine,
646
00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:34,360
but I'm gonna have
to stick a pin in it for now.
647
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:39,120
Well, what, because you
have to go chasing aliens?
648
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,880
Better than chasing maths teachers.
649
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,239
Well, that's something
we share, huh?
650
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:49,439
The thrill of the chase.
651
00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:53,120
Fair play to you, Catherine. You
never let the chair slow you down.
652
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,440
What a fucking thing to say.
653
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,639
For you to say.
654
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:03,599
What, chair jokes?
655
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:05,839
When you're the fucking
reason I'm in it!
656
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,639
(DOOR SHUTS)
657
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:09,679
Catherine...
Yeah right, on you go.
658
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:13,639
And do your fuckin'
Mork and Mindy routine.
659
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:15,879
You know, just be careful
- on the roads now.
- Catherine.
660
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,560
I just hope you haven't
been drinking this time.
661
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:22,479
You know I wasn't drunk that night.
662
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:25,760
All I know is
that I was unconscious.
663
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:30,159
And the guard who you played
fuckin' football with,
664
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,560
chose not to breathalyse you.
665
00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,359
And when I woke up,
666
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,440
they gave me this.
667
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,679
That's what I know.
668
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,040
(CRYING)
669
00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:58,240
So drive safe now.
670
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,079
(BIRDS CAWING)
671
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,120
♪ DONNIE & JOE EMERSON: Baby ♪
672
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,600
♪ When we're out in the moonlight
673
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:39,080
♪ Looking up on the stars above
674
00:38:40,240 --> 00:38:43,400
♪ Feels so good when I'm near you
675
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,919
♪ Holding hands and making love
676
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,280
♪ Ooh, ooh, baby
677
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:57,279
♪ Yes, oh, baby...
678
00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,319
(SIGHS)
679
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,359
♪ Yes, oh, baby...
680
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:04,359
Sorry, shall I go?
No, you're grand, finish your drink.
681
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,399
I just don't want any latecomers.
682
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,919
(SIGHS) Fuckin' wrecked.
683
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,399
And I have to bring up
next week's Guinness kegs.
684
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:14,039
And nobody complimented
my fuckin' sandwiches!
685
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:17,039
Happy to do some lifting.
I ate six egg mayo alone.
686
00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:19,759
Big strong legs on me.
687
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:22,039
I could fuckin' kiss
yous both right now.
688
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:25,720
♪ Feels so good walking side by side
689
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:30,319
♪ Wanna be with you all my life
690
00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:34,639
♪ Ooh, ooh, baby
691
00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:36,879
Just four more to go and we're good!
692
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,959
♪ Baby ♪
693
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,080
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
694
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:47,599
Hey there.
695
00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,959
Ah. Where are the TV people at?
696
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,399
Oh, the last of them
left an hour ago.
697
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,719
Aye.
698
00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:57,519
Ah, fuck it.
699
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,519
What are you folks doing?
700
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:01,719
Waiting.
Ah.
701
00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:04,439
Ah.
What are you doing?
702
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:08,799
Well, on Monday I was
a married and respected doctor.
703
00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:11,479
I'm not sure what I'm doing now.
704
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,040
Right.
Aye.
705
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:17,119
Thanks.
706
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:19,160
Alright.
707
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,039
("LOVE IS STRANGE" BY MICKY & SYLVIA
PLAYING FAINTLY)
708
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:27,520
Well, a promise is a promise.
709
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,039
Sonny.
710
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:35,280
Tapaigh an deis.
711
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:44,720
Thanks for your help.
712
00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:48,719
Er, he didn't do much.
713
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:50,640
Hm.
714
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:58,239
Hm.
715
00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:00,679
Now...
716
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,720
you guys kiss.
717
00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,120
(BOTH LAUGH)
718
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,960
Well, then who knows
what might happen.
719
00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:21,439
No intimacy.
720
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,800
Only contempt.
721
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,799
What?
722
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:30,039
♪ When you leave me
723
00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:32,360
♪ Sweet kisses I miss ♪
724
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,399
Incredible. (LAUGHS)
725
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:38,799
Jesus Christ, I didn't think
I'd actually get yous to do it!
726
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,679
Wait, what?
I thought I might get yous
727
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:44,359
to, like, hold hands or some shite,
but that was wonderful, sweet Jesus.
728
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:47,439
(LAUGHING) Oh, you...
729
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:49,639
You minx!
(LAUGHTER)
730
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:52,279
Oh, it was like Casablanca
there for a minute.
731
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,320
(VOICES FADE)
732
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,160
(SONG DISTORTS, FADES)
733
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,079
Alright, Pubba.
Aye, aye. I just got caught short.
734
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:11,639
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure the druids won't mind.
735
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,199
Welcome, everybody!
736
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,719
Great turnout this year.
737
00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:18,760
Bualadh bos.
738
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:23,559
Play well and we'll make contact.
It's close!
739
00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:25,919
Ready yourselves.
And...
740
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:29,320
(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)
(OPERATIC SINGING)
741
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,879
(WIND SWIRLING)
742
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:38,920
(EERIE MUSIC)
743
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:53,640
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
744
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,200
(INSTRUMENTS, SINGING STOP)
745
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:09,200
Better luck next year.
746
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,680
(DISAPPOINTED MURMURING)
747
00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:26,240
(CLEARS THROAT)
748
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,640
Well, this is me.
749
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:42,039
Nice to meet you.
750
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,719
♪ CARPENTERS: Calling Occupants
Of Interplanetary Craft ♪
751
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,399
Safe home.
752
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:51,160
♪ In your mind you have capacities,
you know
753
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:58,479
♪ To telepath messages
through the vast unknown
754
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:02,279
♪ Please close your eyes
and concentrate
755
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:05,040
♪ With every thought you think
756
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:09,839
♪ Upon the recitation
757
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:15,000
♪ We're about to sing
758
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:21,440
♪ Calling occupants
of interplanetary craft
759
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,639
♪ Calling occupants
760
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:30,440
♪ Of interplanetary,
most extraordinary craft...
761
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,920
What are we missing?
762
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:41,840
♪ Calling occupants
of interplanetary craft
763
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:46,519
♪ Calling occupants
764
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:51,439
♪ Of interplanetary,
most extraordinary craft
765
00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:54,000
♪ Calling occupants
766
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:57,880
♪ Calling occupants
767
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:01,239
♪ Calling occupants
768
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:05,880
♪ Of interplanetary,
anti-adversary craft
769
00:45:25,720 --> 00:45:28,560
♪ We are your friends... ♪
770
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:33,080
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