Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

(LIVELY CHATTER AND WHOOPING IN DISTANCE)

Oh, my God. The fairy chair is still here.

Aye, they call this circle - The Lucky Hoop. - Yeah?

I don't know why. (LAUGHS)

(CHATTER AND WHOOPING IN DISTANCE)

(BIRDS CAWING)

You're a scut. - Me? - Yeah.

Not at all. You are, though.

You're a right scut. (LAUGHS)

CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year! (CHEERING)

(FIREWORKS POPPING AND FIZZING)

I don't suppose you went and organised all this for me, did ya?

New Millennium?

Fucking over it already. There's too many trees.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ya hot dope. (SIGHS)

Easy, tiger! God loves a trier.

(FLUTTERING)

(EERIE MUSIC)

Jesus!

Seamie?

Seamie, what the fuck is happening?

(EERIE MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

♪ THE BONK: Future 87

♪ It all happened by accident

♪ Bodies without names

♪ Intersecting planes

♪ Of their stranger vector veins

♪ Europe is incontinent

♪ But Philip's still alive ♪

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SONG ENDS)

♪ GEORGE GERSHWIN: Rhapsody In Blue

(WATER GENTLY GURGLING)

(WATER GENTLY SPLASHING)

(MOBILE RINGING)

(MOBILE STOPS RINGING)

(CIGARETTE CRACKLES)

(CIGARETTE SIZZLES) Shit!

Stupid water!

So, a lot of feedback on the script.

Some of it good. 'Well, I am excited.

Kudos to Wendy for optioning that book.

Boy. Whew... what a page-turner, huh?'

It sure is a quick read. (SCOFFS)

'And where are we with locations?'

Er, we're close. Yeah, we're... We're rounding third.

'Mm.' Er, Europe's got a lot of options,

as you'd expect with a historical piece.

'And we've yet to sign off on that lakeside location in Ireland, is that right?'

We've narrowed it down to two locations in the North West.

Seems to be a straight choice between Drumban in the north

and Boyle, which apparently is more pleasant than it sounds.

(LAUGHTER)

I fly over to sign off on the final location later today.

'Did I hear that your hometown is still in the mix, Wendy?'

If they'll let me back in, sir.

(OTHERS CHUCKLING)

Worth reminding everyone that current tax incentives make Boyle,

south of the border, the much more attractive financial option.

SERVER: 'Pina colada? Table 4?' '(GULLS CRYING)'

Er, how's everything at home, sir?

(STATIC)'Oh, staying safe, Wendy. Staying safe.

You know, I'm hoping to get back into the office very soon.'

Yeah, I don't know what I would do, if my dog was immuno-compromised.

Kudos for keeping your family safe.

Um, circling back to locations, I have some thoughts.

Honestly, sir, I have no skin in the game.

I haven't been there since I was a teenager,

which is... nearly a decade now.

(OTHERS CHUCKLING)

'(WAVES LAPPING)'

'Well, be safe out there, Wendy.'

You too, sir.

Don't let any books drop on you. '(GULLS CRYING)'

'What, what? What was that?'

No, I was just... OK, I'll check in from the road.

'Alright. (LAUGHS)

Signing off. What the fuck?'

Fucker's in Fiji. Good luck.

PRODUCER: Thanks, Wendy. PRODUCER 2: Have fun.

♪ GEORGE GERSHWIN: Rhapsody In Blue

Er, one sec, Wendy.

Look, I know you're on your way... Yet, here you are.

But I realise that this is a big step up from your previous projects,

and I think it goes without saying that location

is a very big, big decision.

So, it's important that we make it with our heads, right,

not our hearts?

Does that make sense to you? It makes so much sense, Brad.

- Great! - So, I'll assess both locations on their merits,

and then choose the location that best suits our needs.

Well, if you're sure? Do I sound unsure?

Er... I'll check in from the road.

OK.

(SIGHS) These fucking stairs.

(BEEP)

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'Doors closing.' "Do I sound unsure?"

"Do I sound unsure?"

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) It's television,

so don't expect them to tell you what really happened.

No offence, but why are they even making

a TV show about history, anyway?

Been there, done that. I don't think it's about history.

From what I've been told, it's about myths

and folklore, which is...

Oh, same-same. Not same-same, Brendan.

History is the story of what happened to us, as best we know it.

Whereas myths is the story we tell ourselves

when the history is too boring, or indeed too brutal to repeat.

You can learn from history, but you can't learn from fairytales.

I don't care if they cast me as Queen Maeve,

I'm not taking my top off for it.

(BELL DINGS) I'll let them know.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I can't imagine any of this will matter, anyway.

I'm sure they'll choose some other stupid town to film their show in...

...which means we can keep ourselves a little secret from the world.

(PUPILS SHUSHING AND TAPPING DESKS)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(SPLAT)

(SIGHS)

Fuck!

Feckin' birds.

(AIR HISSING)

They are comin' for ya, Doctor.

Do I owe them money, Betty?

If they come back, will you tell them I'm in Lanzarote?

They've waited forever to see you.

Well, maybe if my house calls didn't take so long?

Will you follow the light, please, Mrs Battles?

Miss Battles, please, Doctor.

Mr Battles has been making the ground colder for 30 years now.

You're married, aren't ya...

Seamus. Yeah, that's my name.

The wife has a name of her own, no doubt.

And one of these days, by God, I swear, I'll learn it.

(CHUCKLES)

Your blood pressure's a little high.

(RIPPING SOUND) Here.

Will you promise to take it easy on the rowing machine?

Well, I've clearly been overindulging myself

with excessive masturbation, Seamus.

It's an issue I've struggled with my whole life.

(GLOVE SNAPS)

I might head off, so... Cool enough, Seamie.

I'll walk you out.

Mere grains of sand are we, floating uselessly through space and time.

Grains of sand, fighting over who's the wettest.

(SONG PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

Right you are, Mammy.

Thanks for making the house call. I know we're out of the way.

Did you pay the doctor, Barry? I did, Mammy.

I mean, that's not really the way it works.

But don't worry, the doctor will be well taken care of.

(SCOFFS) That makes one of us, so.

(LAUGHS) She's some woman. Aye.

I'll, er... I'll see you on the pitch later so, Seamie.

You will.

Thanks again for... that. (SIGHS)

God, you're a big family for the masturbation, Barry.

(DOOR LOCKED)

♪ JUDY HENSKE: Till the Real Thing Comes Along

(THUDDING)

(PANTING)

We're so close!

I'm not that close. What?

No, like, spatially.

(STRAINING) Like, both of our faces are so close!

♪ Well, I would lie, cry

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) ♪ Beg, steal, or borrow for you ♪

(EXHALES) (BELT BUCKLE CLINKS)

(CHATTER IN CORRIDOR)

Do you wanna go first, or...

Er... No, you work away.

I've only Year 2.

Boston Tea Party shit. (LAUGHS)

Do you need a hand, or...

I'm sure I'll manage.

♪ HOT 8 BRASS BAND: Sexual Healing

(CHATTER)

(BRASS BAND CONTINUES)

WOMAN: 'Carol Chapman.' WENDY: Yeah.

'Tony Lombardi. Did I tell you about Tony?'

Yeah, I know, Mom. I'm totally caught up with who died this year.

'Oh, from my texts?' (CAR HORN BEEPS)

Oh, my ride's here.

'OK, Wendy. I'll call the same time next week.

Apparently, Geena Lopez is on her last legs.'

No, Mom, I'm gonna be in Ireland for the next month, remember,

for the show? 'Oh.'

The time difference is a bit funky, so I might be a little quiet.

'Are you sure you're ready to go back?

'B is for border.' 'We're right by it.'

Yeah, I am.

It's work.

They'll make fun of my silly new ways, I'll make fun of theirs.

It'll be a hoot. 'Will it?

I'd rather be with Tony Lombardi.'

The neighbours are gonna watch Wanda,

so obviously she's been giving me the silent treatment all day.

(SPEAKS ARAMAIC)

'You think you'll see your father and what's-her-tits?'

Yeah, I might try to swing by.

'Well, that sounds stressful as fuck.

Don't drink too much.' I don't drink too much, Mum.

'And don't smoke too much.' Gotta go. I love you.

'I could come with you? Wendy?' BIRD: Bye-bye.

(WATER GUSHING)

(SHOUTING AND CALLING OUT) (GROANS)

(GROANS) Watch it, bitch.

SEAMUS: Catch it. Oh, I'm fucking fuming.

Sophie!

Been meaning to ask how your young ones are coming along, Seamie?

Well, you know those plans we had for the clubhouse trophy room?

Trophy room?

I'd ditch the idea of building an extension, is all I'm saying.

(LAUGHS) Oh, not the most talented - footballers? - I have a theory.

I don't think we even have a trophy shelf.

These lads and lasses were all born in the year 2007,

when we had an awful issue with the local water supply.

The contamination at the reservoir?

This is where my theory comes in, with regards to the kids out there

and their allergic reaction to kicking a ball straight.

You think dead sheep water is to blame, Doctor?

Well, it's certainly not - the coaching, Barry. - God forbid.

(FLOODLIGHTS THUNK) Fuck!

Why are they switching the lights on?

Trust me, there's nothing worth illuminating on that pitch.

(LAUGHS) (REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)

Alright, same time next week.

We'll try again... and fail better.

(CHATTER)

(BIRDS CAWING)

Did you hear the news - about the TV production? - Huh?

The last I heard, we were among a bunch of small towns,

parading ourselves around like some kind of rural beauty queens,

looking for one last spin on the dancefloor.

Ah, well, we're down to the last two beauty queens.

Well, we must invest in a giant sash.

(LAUGHS) Well, speaking of sashes,

McCurdle has called a strategy meeting tonight.

Well, then, the opera shall have to wait.

To the White Ridge it is! (FOOTBALLERS SHOUTING)

Come on, Barry! You're in! (CAR KEYS JINGLE)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS, SONG PLAYS ON CAR RADIO)

(BIRDS CAWING)

(SPLATTING)

♪ JOE DOLAN: Make Me An Island

♪ Take me away from the girls

♪ Take me and break me and make me an island, I'm yours ♪

It's your move. I know.

WOMAN: We have Joyce replenishing the flowerbeds twice-weekly now.

And when they had their last location scout,

we had the walking club write "Welcome" in sticks down by the river.

Ooh, aye, I saw that. Nice, sticks.

That's a nice touch, Barbara. It feels like it's just a waiting game now, Seamie.

It's all about the tax breaks.

If they go for a town south of the border, it'll be Boyle.

Ah, gem of a town, that. Aye.

And if they go for a town north of the border, it'll be us.

It's as simple as that, isn't it? (SCOFFS) I don't see it so simple.

(LAUGHS) Here we go. Do you not, Keith?

No, because I Googled it, and TV programmes the likes of this

have budgets of tens of millions of pounds to spend every year.

(LAUGHS) I'm not gonna lie to you.

We could find a decent use for that kind of money, boys.

Go-kart track. Drumban's had a rough time of it.

We've had the recession, the smoking ban, Sheep-gate,

the magnet mine closing, the pandemic,

the abundance of nettles keeping all the tourists away.

No town has had it easy, Keith. Ah, wisht you!

Look, Boyle is as charming a town as there is,

and there's nobody can deny that,

but is not too... metropolitan for what they need?

How would you know what they need?

"How would you know what they need?" (LAUGHS) What age are we?

Cut it out, will you? No, you cut it out!

I didn't set up this committee for you to be nagging me all night.

Lads, lads, listen.

I'll be the first to admit, I also find Barry's voice very dull.

MATT: And mumble-y.

But we can't bicker about Barry's horribly dull

and mumble-y voice every time we set up a committee.

Or we'll have to stop setting up committees, Keith.

I'm a baritone in the choir.

(MOCKING) "I'm a baritone in the choir."

How's about I just head down to Boyle and see where we're placed?

Great farm-to-table options. I have a cousin in Rooskey, who keeps bees.

That could be handy. We could sting 'em out.

Yeah, I'll just have a wee nosey.

You know, maybe visit their beautiful Cistercian monastery,

or take a stroll by their new canal?

(CRUNCHES)

Aye. Make notes, take photos.

Yes, that's a great idea, Keith.

(MOCKING) "That's a great idea, Keith."

SONNY: Does she have a silly little mouth, like butter wouldn't melt?

You're never gonna get it.

(SHIPPING FORECAST ON RADIO)

Have you had any news on the college front?

(TINNY MUSIC PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES)

(RAISING VOICE) I can just talk louder, you know?

(SHIPPING FORECAST CONTINUES)

I haven't met a pair of headphones that can stop me yet!

RADIO: 'Low, one hundred miles. West...'

Definitely not in a car!

'Expecting a long...'

So much bird shit on your car.

Aye. Just born lucky, I guess.

'The area forecast begins moderate,

becoming cyclonic, six to eight later.

Wind travelling in from The Atlantic, bringing heavy rains.'

(DOOR SLAMS)

Ah, the wanderers return. Your dinner's in the bin.

And honestly, you're better for it. Sorry, there was a strategy meeting.

What, for the "I Am Celt" thing? Aye.

(SNORES) What a load of shite.

Still shocked you didn't make the committee.

(LAUGHS) Hi, Sonny.

Your evening good? Yeah, night.

Love our chats. I think he's just wrecked.

Wanted to ask him if he's been chasing up

those college re-applications.

Yeah, yeah, you should.

Do you want a lift into bed?

Sure I'll manage.

But you've the finest manager in all of Ireland right here.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, easy.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(SHE FARTS)

(BOTH SNIGGER AND LAUGH)

Sorry.

(LAUGHS)

♪ RONAN O SNODAIGH & MYLES O'REILLY: Ta'n t'Adh Liom

(SINGING IN IRISH)

AIR STEWARDESS: Can I get you anything?

(TINNY MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

Hi!

Can I get you anything? Can I get you anything?

Excuse me? How much longer until we land?

Oh, shouldn't be more than an hour.

Will it be your first time - in Ireland? - No.

Oh, er, do you have a bathroom?

On the plane?

Yeah... I meant, where... where is your bathroom?

(CHUCKLES) Well, we've two in front,

and there's three more behind us.

I think the two in the front are occupied, so...

No, it's alright. I don't need to use it, thanks.

(TINNY MUSIC OVER HEADPHONES CONTINUES)

(CHIMING)

♪ DOLLY PARTON: Gettin' Happy

Has it always been this damp?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Ice caps and that, I suppose.

♪ Without a love to call my own

♪ My life was incomplete

♪ It seems I couldn't help but think that love was not for me...

Second turn after the bridge, please?

Quick "hi" and "bye".

A while since you've been back? 20 years, maybe more.

You lost the accent.

(CHUCKLES) Hm, barely made it through Customs.

That's a fair few years, then. Mammy'll have the dinner on.

Not sure my stepmother's much of a cook.

I've been booked to take you to Belmore Manor.

Will I, er... wait outside for you? You fucking better.

Half-hour, and you drag me out the door.

(SCOFFS) Seriously, even if I tell you I wanna stay,

you tell them I have an important work call,

with Mickey fucking Mouse, or whatever the fuck.

(LAUGHS) No bother, yeah? Mickey Mouse, it is so.

♪ I wonder where the sadness went cos I'm a-gettin' happy

♪ Oh, I'm a-gettin' happy

♪ I'm a-gettin' happy, all my lonely days are gone

♪ I'm a-gettin' happy, no more lonely nights alone

♪ I got someone to call my own and now my life is like a song ♪

(DOORBELL)

(BIRDS CHIRRUPING)

(BIRD CAWING)

Did you tell them you were coming?

Yeah.

♪ BOB MARLEY AND THE WAILERS: Small Axe

You can take me to the hotel.

I wanna stretch my legs and take a piss.

(ENGINE REVS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SIGHS) Anything else?

Did you know marijuana's legal in Los Angeles?

The fuck are you reading? Dad!

On my life, I was gazing down at you, thinking:

"Look at my studious wee girl there, doing her homework."

I just finished it. (CAR HORN BLARES)

Go on.

Your mother's waiting in the car. I could cycle.

I don't want you cycling in the woods.

Or get a wee motorbike, maybe? Go on, off to school.

I've a solo trip to LA to book.

Oh, my God. I would love to see you on weed.

Well, you saw me at your communion.

Shut up. You were in a class of 44, Joanne.

Left a lot of time for "private reflection" at the church door.

You're a bad liar.

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Me gonna stay home an' listen to Bob Marley, man,

before me start work.

The accent is problematic, Daddy.

Aye.

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Me know this now.

♪ Every time I look down

♪ On this timeless town

♪ Whether blue or grey be her skies

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

♪ Whether loud be her cheers

♪ Or whether soft be her tears

Great location, this. ♪ More and more

♪ Do I realise that

(SONG CONTINUES OVER PA SPEAKER)

♪ I love Paris... ♪

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Come on, Jules.

(GASPS) That'll do, Jules.

(BEEP, CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

I said, that'll do.

(SHRIEKS) Pig! Yeah, definitely a pig.

- Is that for us? - Maybe. Well, take a photo.

(VAN ENGINE STARTS, REVS)

Not of me, Jules!

WENDY: What's her issue now?

BRAD: 'She wants to bring her kids and the nanny along for the shoot,

but we never budgeted for the director's family.'

If it's not stipulated in her contract, it's not our problem.

'Maybe her experience is worth paying for?'

Her twins just turned one, and she told me she's still breastfeeding,

which seems... clingy.

No, having her kids around is only gonna diminish her focus.

And I mean, twins? Seriously?

Grow the fuck up.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Anyway, she's threatening to exit the project if we don't work it out.

Er... then let her.

I honestly prefer the other director, anyway.

He's cool, he's got no baggage. Arty showreel.

Mm, cool, arty showreel.

'I don't know, Wendy. It's your call.'

And I'm making it, Brad.

I gotta go. I'm stepping into a production meeting.

Oh, well, so am I. 'Miss you.'

(JAZZ MUSIC)

(DOOR OPENS)

(RUSTLING)

(MOBILE CHIMES AND BUZZES)

(MOBILE CHIMES)

Oh.

(DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE)

(DOGS BARK) (SHRIEKING)

Shit! Colonel! Sanders!

- Fuck it! - Get over here and leave that cursing lady alone!

(DOGS CONTINUES BARKING)

(EXHALES) They could have fucking mauled me!

They should be locked up! Cool enough.

Yeah, you grab them there, and I'll get you the locks.

Are you being fucking funny? Well, that time I was, I suppose.

What's your name? Relax, would you?

No lives were lost. Hey!

(EXHALES) Do you wanna sit down?

There's a wee fairy chair round the corner.

I know where the fucking fairy chair is.

OK. (DOGS BARK)

I don't need to sit down. (BARKING)

Do you want a cigarette? Do what?!

Well, to chill your head, like? (DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)

You got anything stronger?

I've half an ounce of skunk in my shoe,

but honestly, it's been there for about a week.

I wouldn't get my hopes up. (LAUGHS)

Look, I'm sorry about my dogs. (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES) Colonel and Sanders?

The fuckers kept killing the neighbour's chickens, you see?

(LAUGHS) Oh, God... I know

I should probably have a leash. It's OK, I'm alright.

I've got a pet too, so I know how things can... be.

I'm sorry I was so rude.

I've been living in America. Oh, got ya. Understand completely.

I had a cousin who spent a summer in Boston once, and he came back a right cunt!

(LAUGHS) No, honestly. It took him a fortnight to loosen up.

So, arsehole jetlag takes two weeks? That's it, exactly.

Better keep your head down, until the new moon.

Good luck. Have a nice day!

(SINGSONG) Fuck off! (LAUGHS)

Origin, zero zero — and the radius

of that circle is exactly one unit.

We travel around the circumference of the circle, counter-clockwise,

and the coordinates are starting...

Can I be excused for a second?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah, of course.

Hello, Mrs Proctor. Hi.

Did you need me, Mum? Er, yeah, darling.

Um... Just a quick one. OK. What is it?

Sorry. I'm really shit at trigonometry.

Can we just, um...

Er... I just wanted to touch base with you.

You know, about the whole...

Like, your brother dropping out of medical college thing...

That's mad, isn't it? What?

I just feel like we never, you know...

You and I, we never get a chance to discuss it.

Seems like a mistake. Mum, this is...

No, on... on my part, is what I mean.

You know?

Although, actually, you could have brought it up, if you wanted to.

Aye, I could, eh?

But, like, at home, where we are loads of the time?

Right. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, so, we're cool?

Very cool.

Can I... Aye, yeah.

(SIGHS)

Hold on, are we "the infidels"?

That is unclear, as of now.

But whomever did this barbaric act does not seem interested

in getting to know us any better.

Not sure I wanna hang out with them either, TBH.

No, that makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

None of this makes any sense. Come on.

Are we supposed to believe a local person would do something like this,

two weeks before Vegan Awareness Month?

WOMAN: It just doesn't add up.

Why would anyone from Boyle paint this here?

Well, they wanted it to look like blood.

No.

Sure, but why this? Why here?

To keep the infidels away.

Let's not overthink this.

Look, we can... Yeah.

...dispose of the head.

My uncle runs a sanctuary for injured falcons, so that'll help.

And the kids in town usually do

a voluntary community clean-up around 3pm.

So, everything will be back to normal before you know it.

But we didn't do this. No.

And whomever did, be careful of them.

(BLEATING)

It's not the sign of a plan going great, is it?

Our second meeting having to take place

in the privacy of a fucking sheep shed?

Alright, mistakes were made.

Mea culpa. That was a good idea.

"Death to the infidels?" I thought it sounded scary.

I'm pretty sure we are the infidels, Keith. Like, the whites?

Well, it's not called "show-friends", is it?

Showbusiness.

Did I hear you got the red paint from Drumban Fire Station?

At which I am an active volunteer, thank you very much. You're welcome.

How's the battery looking on that machine there, Seamie?

Ah, it's low enough: four per cent. (INHALES SHARPLY)

Do you want me to switch it off? We'll be another, what, five or six?

Fuck it, let's roll the dice. And I presume the pig's head...

Barbara! Jesus...

I didn't make him pay for it. The pig paid a price, Barbara.

And what's the craic with the wicker man?

Oh, that wasn't us, actually. I think that was just there?

We should tell them what we did, really, all being fair.

The TV people? I'm gonna slap you in a minute.

Ten years, you're saying that.

They're probably gonna give it to Boyle.

We can't compete with the glory of Lough Key at dusk. So, aye...

We have our secret weapon, though.

Apparently, one of the producers - used to live here years ago. - What?

Here in Drumban? Down the road awhile.

The family lived in Belcoo, apparently.

Not many of them left now, mind.

Flew the coop herself a long time back, by the sounds of it.

One of her crew came into The White Ridge,

where I'd always be on a Thursday for the pea soup

and the toasted cheese and onion sandwich. Tasty sandwich.

Word is, a few of the head honchos

are staying at Belmore Manor, down by the lake.

Not rushing you, but if there's much more to this, I might stick the tablet on sleep mode.

Ssh, wisht you. So, apparently,

they're hoping to make an announcement on location tonight.

Maybe we should just go down there and put in one last good word?

Aye, maybe. Did you happen to catch her name, Barbara?

(CRUNCHING)

Now, that's a tasty sandwich.

(EXHALES)

(SHEEP BLEATING)

I think I might have bumped into her, running in the park.

How did you... Are you even on this committee, Shelly?

Nothing else happening in town. Hold on a minute.

You were running in the park? Was I fuck!

No, Daddy's got gout again, or some shite, so I'm in charge of the dogs.

I met her fairly close to your place, Seamie.

But how do you know it was her? I don't, I suppose.

Did you catch her name, Shelly?

No. Bit wild, she was.

Did you learn anything else about her, Shelly?

Anything that might tip the balance in our favour?

Well, she seems really afraid of dogs.

Well, that's good. We can use that.

To do what? What goes on in your head at all?

It's like King Kong's mumblin' feckin' ghost.(LAUGHS)

If we all headed down to the hotel to stake our case for Drumban,

it might make a difference?

Them Yanks are well turned on by initiative and all that shite.

Exactly, Shelly. Thank you. But we don't even know her name.

I could get it.

I did the spit-roast at the wedding buffet for the receptionist's niece.

She's easy bought.

But they don't make these decisions on the spur of the moment.

I'm sure, us going down there will make no difference

to where they do their show. Oh, you're sure, are you?

The broken bass drum has spoken, eh? (LAUGHS)

Chief lamb supplier

and Vice President of Paramount feckin' Pictures has spoken.

(MOCKING) "I'm a hundred per cent sure it won't happen."

(LAUGHS) You're like Rory Bremner. Are you alright there, Seamie?

Aye, just didn't realise Barry took that job at Paramount.

MATT: It does really stink in here. The sheep's new feed has 'em gassy.

(SHEEP FARTING)

Barry, could I use your toilet? It's blocked.

Can you piss in a field? I'd imagine I could.

♪ PHIL PHILLIPS feat. THE TWILIGHTS: Sea Of Love

(URINATING)

TEEN WENDY: 'You sure you're OK, missing the fireworks in Drumban?'

Aye. Never been a fan - of organised fun, anyway. - Same.

Freezing my ass off in the woods to mark the day makes much more sense.

You sure? Yeah.

May as well make the most of you, while you're in town.

It's not like you'll be here, anyway.

Who knows? Maybe I'll move back and er... raise chickens?

(LAUGHS) You couldn't raise a chicken burger.

Which is why I need a doctor.

Oh, I'm a student. Yeah, you'll be back.

I'm a wanderer, me.

(SEA OF LOVE SONG CONTINUES)

Doctor? We have discussed it politely, and have decided

that we're all going to the hotel to talk to the TV lady.

(CONTINUES URINATING)

(ZIP RASPS)

♪ THE UNTHANKS: Magpie

♪ One's for sorrow

♪ Two's for joy

♪ Three's for a girl

♪ And four's for a boy

♪ Five's for a silver, six for gold

PORTER: Sorry, sorry.

♪ Seven's for a secret

♪ Never told ♪

PORTER: Sorry. Good evening, Miss Patterson.

So, I'll put forward the financial argument.

But you lot, fight like wolves to show her

how friendly we are as a community.

I'll hit her with the youth stick. And don't forget the dogs.

(GRUMBLING)

Your ulcer playing up again, doc? (EXHALES)

Wendy. I think her name's Wendy.

You know her, Seamie? (EXHALES) I think I know her.

Or I knew her, maybe? What, like, you "knew her" knew her?

No, not like... No.

Maybe you should go and talk to the lady alone,

bring a bit of the old Proctor magic?

Aye.

She might feel a bit crowded, if we all came at her.(MURMURING)

Do you still have a wee soft spot for her there now, Seamie?

I've a wee soft spot for her right here.

No, wait, that's not very sexy, - actually, is it? - No.

- Let's forget that happened. - You should definitely go alone, Seamie.

THE UNTHANKS: The King Of Rome

(MUSIC BUILDS)

WAITER: Sorry, sorry.

My name is Wendy Patterson. (CHUCKLES)

I remember you, Wendy.

You've aged well. Well, you've aged.

I tried to stay in touch. Aye?

You changed your number.

Ah, a few times. I tried all of them.

Are you gonna tell them all what happened, Seamie Proctor?

What are you talking about, Wendy? The night of the Millennium?

You and me in the woods, near Lough MacNean?

That was a lifetime ago.

Are you gonna tell them?

I'm a doctor now. Did you know that?

And so it begins.

Hey! We did the pig's head.

Yeah, did seem out of character for the lovely people of Boyle.

Ah. Well, we're mad fuckers now.

You don't wanna bring the circus to Drumban. It wouldn't be safe.

Let me ask you something, Seamie.

Why'd you never leave?

I suppose, I...I didn't feel like I had a choice.

Why did you come back?

Same.

I'm sorry, Wendy.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

How's the Reverend doing these days?

(FLASHBULB POPPING)

Woah! (LAUGHS) My goodness.

I'd forgotten how bright the stars are at home.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah.

(SHE WHISPERS)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Well, she doesn't look local. What does that mean?

Well, she looks like she's seen the inside of a gym and what-not.

BARBARA: Here he comes. What she say, Seamie?

(SWAN HONKING) Argh!

(THUD) (GRUNTING)

What the fuck is that?

That is showbusiness.

KEITH: Feathers!

(WENDY CHUCKLES)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(PANTING)

♪ THE UNTHANKS: The King Of Rome

(PANTING) SEAMUS: (SHOUTS) Wendy!

(SONG CONTINUES)

WENDY: 'And I am pleased to announce tonight

that that location will be...

Drumban.'

(CHEERING)

Yes!

Yes, that's class! Oh, my God!

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING FROM TV)

That's what you wanted, isn't it? Aye.

'Thank you, everyone.' It's going to be great, yeah.

'Thank you very much.' It'll change the place forever.

'We are excited to get started and I am looking forward to coming home.'

How do I know her?

'I can't wait to start sharing our story with the world...

...and catching up with old friends.'

Joanne was Googling marijuana this morning.

(GASPS) Dad!

What?! (APPLAUSE FROM TV)

♪ KEAN KAVANAGH: Emma

(FALCON SCREECHING)

(SONG CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)

(PANTING)

Wendy! (PANTING)

Was that a fucking spaceship?

♪ KEAN KAVANAGH: Emma

♪ She's tall and she's blonde and I like the clothes she wears

♪ She only moves where there's techno music ablare

♪ Well, my heart's a 909, four to the fucking stairs

♪ She gets me high but the bouncers tell me beware

♪ Beware of Emma

♪ Emma

♪ My eyes are flying, I think I'm feeling it now

♪ My eyes are flying, I think I'm feeling it now

♪ K-Kissing Emma, I swear I'm sweatin' it out ♪

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