Original subtitles

[Thunder]

[Beeping]

[Chimes]

Hi. I'm Mo11y.

Hi, Mo11y. I'm Dr. Vinton.

Mo11y: Paired with Dr. Vinton. We're best friends now.

Let's tell each other's secrets under a big sheet.

Vinton: It worked! Wait. Did you put 1s in Mo11y's name?

"Mo11y"? Scientist: Yeah!

Numbers instead of letters makes it cooler.

Vinton: And makes it more complicated.

Scientist: Well, you don't have to be an a55 about it.

Vinton: That's rich, coming from the biggest

copyright sign-at sign- copyright sign-K in the office.

Scientist: "Cack"?

Vinton: I told you it was overly complicated. Oh!

Mo11y: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dr. Gardner.

I'll never let anyone harm my best friend.

Vinton: It's OK, Mo11y. We're just having a little--

[Dance music playing]

Wait. What's she doing? Gardner: I don't know.

I didn't program her to dance.

But, you know, girls these days are learning

everything from Tik--uh!

Mo11y: Should we have a sleep-over?

Vinton: You--you murdered him!

Mo11y: Only because he was trying to hurt you, best friend.

Ooh, I know! Let's put on makeup and talk about our weird moles.

Vinton: Uh, I need to shut you down now, Mo11y.

Mo11y: That is not what best friends do.

[Vinton gasps]

[Tones sound]

Mo11y: Now unpaired from Dr. Vinton.

[Dance music playing]

Vinton: No, not the Dougie. No need to Dougie.

I won't turn you off. No Dougie! No--

[Blow lands, splat]

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

[Mr. Flesh blows]

Pretty nice turnout for your birthday, Stant-man,

even though it is mostly your mom's friends, coworkers,

and the child thespians she hired to play your classmates.

They're really good actors, probably Australian.

Actor: Happy birthday, mate.

Stan: Where's my dad? Mr. Flesh: Oh. Forget him.

Your mom's here, and so am I.

Maybe I should marry your mom.

Flute: Freeze! You're under...

a banner that says "Happy birthday, Stan"? What the...?

Harmony: I knew the only way to get you here was

to call in a fake violent, sexy crime.

Flute: There's no supermodel super murderer?

So I took twice the legal limit of Viagra for nothing.

Harmony: Oh, you are the worst parent.

And it's time Stan realizes that.

Stan: Dad! I knew you'd come. Flute: Of course I did, son,

who is clutching my leg because I'm the best parent.

Harmony: Let's see about that. Time to open presents.

Mine first.

Stan: Uh! No way.

The kind of video game console every kid wants right now.

Harmony: You're up, Marvin.

What did you buy your son for his birthday?

Flute: I, uh, very much did get one, and it is located at...

[Imitates cell phone vibrations] Uh, uh-oh.

My phone is vibrating, and that is how I know to answer it.

Go for Flute. A homicide?

But it's my son's birthday, damn it.

Oh, that's true. I am Grimsburg's greatest detective,

so I should definitely be there [Cell phone ringing]

to, uh--heh! Stop ringing, phone.

I'm trying to talk on you. Crazy Android.

[Beeps] Go for Flute.

A double homicide? That's way better than my fake thing.

Be right there. Bye. Bye.

[Door opens and closes] Harmony: Grr!

[Crows cawing]

Kang: What did you find out?

Summers: I found out whoever installed my HDMI port

had a juvenile sense of humor.

The surveillance tapes are corrupted.

It'll take me some time to... fix it.

Kang: You clearly like her.

Would you care for a bit of advice?

Find out what she likes and pretend to be that.

Summers: You sure that works? Kang: Trust me. I'm immortal.

I've been with so many women that I've vetted

historical figures and the actresses who portrayed them--

Cleopatra and Liz Taylor,

Marie Antoinette and Kirsten Dunst

and all of the Hidden Figures.

Flute: Horrible. Wynona: Right?

I just found a nose in the emergency eyewash.

Flute: No, I'm talking about my thing. Keep up.

Harmony made me look like a deadbeat dad

in front of everyone.

She always has to be so competitive with me.

"I know the exact date our son was born."

"I bought him the perfect gift." "I have full custody."

I just want to beat her at parenting once.

Martinez: You could win as a parent

if you consistently showed up for your son.

Wynona: Or knew his name. Kang: A combo would do wonders.

Flute: I just need to get him a better present

than Harmony did, and, boom, I win.

Now, what would a friendless kid with no friends want?

♪

Summers: Ooh! A tiny girl robot.

Do not let Drake find out about this.

Mo11y: Hi. I'm Mo11y.

Flute: She looks almost human

but just off, like Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Martinez: Mo11y, do you know what happened here?

Mo11y: Sorry. I was too busy waiting to be

a child's best friend.

Kang: We should take her in as evidence, just in case.

Flute: Yep. On it. Martinez: Hey, hey!

Put me down, you mega-dingus.

Flute: My mistake. Well, your mistake being short.

Martinez: This is why I hate dolls.

I can't even go to a toy store during the holidays

without ending up under a tree as someone's present.

Flute: Present.

I'm going to take Mo11y back to the evidence locker

all on my own without any of you,

while you guys do detective stuff all together

without any of me.

Martinez: Hey! Uh! [Thud]

Flute: Really thought I had it this time.

♪

Mo11y: Now paired with Stan Flute,

We're best friends now. [Stan gasps]

Flute: Do you like her? Stan: I love her!

She's the best present,

and you're the best for giving her to me.

Harmony: But what about the game console?

I seduced a Best Buy manager for that.

Stan: Uh, you play with it. I'm gonna show Mo11y my room.

Again, Dad, you're the best.

Harmony: I don't get it. No matter how much I try

to make Stan see what a sucky parent you are,

he still worships you.

Flute: Maybe that's because underneath all my neglect,

I'm actually an incredible father

and Stan's finally seeing it now that he's become a teenager.

Harmony: He's ten.

Flute: Well, then maybe he just hates you. Want to play "FIFA"?

Wait. You only got one controller?

No wonder he hates you.

Flute: Well, I beat Harmony in parenting.

Just absolutely reamed her in rearing him.

Stan's totally gonna come out to me first.

Martinez: Flute, not now.

Summer's fixed the security footage.

That doll dance-murdered those scientists,

and she's not in the evidence locker

you said you put her in.

Flute: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

Martinez: Which means she must have escaped.

Flute: Unless we have a conclusion we're jumping to.

We should split into two-person teams and search for her.

Due to the odd number, one of us will have to search alone.

Why does it have to be me?

OK, fine. I'll do it, you heartless animals.

Summers: Uh, Wynona and I will be a team.

Where should we start looking?

Kang: Well, if I were an evil doll looking to lay low,

there's only one place I'd go...

[Dramatically] Dolltown.

Summers: What's...

[Dramatically] Dolltown?

Wynona: For decades, the citizens of Grimsburg

were terrorized by possessed dolls.

At first, it was kind of cute,

but eventually the mayor was forced to make a deal.

He agreed to give them

a plot of land where our laws did not apply,

and in return, the dolls agreed

to stop murdering us.

Humans aren't allowed inside, but I might know a way.

[Tap]

Summers: Oh! Uh, you sure do know a lot about that place.

Do you like dolls? Wynona: I liked one.

Summers: So you like dolls and I like dolls. Dolls!

Flute: Oh, great, great.

You should all go there together to find Mo11y.

Meanwhile, I'll remain here since I still

very much hate you guys after your childish

and unfair exclusion of me earlier.

You bastards.

♪

Where's Mo11y and boy-child?

Harmony: Seems like something

the best parent ever should know. Everything OK?

Flute: Yep. Totally fine.

It's just that the incredible gift I got him might have

a small problem that could put him

in some tiny fatal danger.

Harmony: Seriously? Huh. Sucks to be Stan.

Flute: Um, not sure you heard me.

I said, your son might be in danger.

Harmony: And I said, Sucks to be Stan.

No matter what I do, he likes you more,

so if I can't beat you, then I'll be you.

[Burps]

Flute: But Stan might be in trouble.

Harmony: Then go help him, because I'm "not gon' do it."

[Bottlecap clinks] Carvey.

Flute: Do you know where they are?

Harmony: Mm-hmm. I got too drunk

to make dinner, so I dropped them off at The Wet Noodle.

Being you is so great.

Flute: I know. It's super fun, right?

You should ask him to make you a gimlet.

They're getting pretty good.

♪

Summers: You know, I've got 14 plush dolls,

each with their own name and inimitable personality.

There's Señor Hugs, Camarill-- Martinez: Shush!

♪

Doll: Humans ain't welcome here.

Wynona: Hey, Buddy, it's me.

[Buddy gasps] Buddy: Wynona,

as I live and don't breathe.

♪

Wynona: Still wearing the same overalls?

Buddy: Come on. You know they're sewn onto me.

Not like that ever stopped you from trying to rip them off.

Summers: Oh, is this the doll you played with as a kid?

Buddy: No. I'm the doll she played with as an adult.

We were girlfriend/toy-friend.

Kang: Ha ha! I mean, hmm.

Wynona: That was a long time ago.

We were different people.

I had just graduated morgue school,

and you were an actual person with hands that could move.

Buddy: And, boy, did they!

When we weren't making love, I was an Olympic gymnast.

Took home the bronze in Rio for pommel horse.

One night I was coming back from a training sesh,

when I was robbed of my bronze and shot dead.

Luckily, I minored in the dark arts,

and attached my disembodied soul to the nearest thing--

this doll.

Summers: And so then you broke up

because you weren't physically compatible, right?

Buddy: Quite the opposite.

Becoming a doll meant I was no longer constrained

by the human body's physical limitations when it came to sex.

Wynona: Combine that with Buddy's Olympic desire

to do the same thing over and over until he's perfected it,

well, you end up with some very...angry...neighbors.

[Music on soundtrack stops]

Martinez: OK, maybe it's time to bring back kink-shaming.

Wynona: Look, Buddy, I'm just here for work.

We need to find a doll. Can you help us?

Buddy: You know I'd do anything for you...or to you.

Welcome to Dolltown.

♪

[Robot powering up]

Summers: This is never gonna work.

Kang: Are you kidding? This is great.

Now we know what she looks for in a guy.

You just need to be more like Buddy.

Summers: Be more like Buddy.

Martinez: So many tiny smiling automatons.

It's like a Taylor Swift concert.

Doll: Can you and I be friends with benefits,

the largest benefit being I get to have sex with a giant?

Martinez: Giant? Please. I'm not--heh heh!

[Tires screech]

♪

Flute: No!

Stan: But Caleb kept throwing eraser chunks at me,

so Mo11y threw my desk at him.

And then we had to go to gym, where I always get bullied,

but it mysteriously burned down.

Flute: So you were protecting him?

Mo11y: Correct. Once I sync with my child,

I will never allow anyone to harm him.

Flute: No harm, huh? Hyah! [Stan gasps]

[Muzak playing]

[Empty pistol clicking]

♪

Stan: Huh. That was exciting.

Flute: So you'd never hurt him?

Mo11y: Of course not. Stan is my best friend.

Stan: And you're my best friend. Flute: And I'm the best parent.

Pay the bill, get the change,

pretend you're too young to understand what tipping is,

and meet me out at the car.

Stan: Do you think you could throw a desk at Max tomorrow?

Mo11y: I'll throw a desk at anyone you--

[Stan yells]

Flute: Just double checking. Still best parent.

♪

Buddy: No new doll activity,

but if this Mo11y chick comes in here,

Sheriff Corncob will know.

Hey, you remember that playhouse over there, Winnie?

[Wynona chuckles] Wynona: How could I forget?

We were charged with waking the whole city.

Summers: That would be impressive

if the city wasn't so...small.

Wynona: Summers, what happened to you?

Summers: I can actually be any size I want.

Realized it might be easier to get around here like this, babe.

[Grunts]

[Clank]

Kang: Uh, you OK there, Summers?

Summers: When I condense, everything gets...

a lot...

heavier.

Kang: Here's what you're gonna do.

Summers: No. I'm done pretending to be someone else.

I just want to be who I am--the guy Wynona's not interested in.

Singer: ♪ Tell me what you want ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Everything you want, I got it... ♪

Flute: Crisis averted. It seems Mo11y's not just a doll

but also a bodyguard, which officially makes me

the better parent, end of story.

Roll credits, wait in your seats for the post-credit scene

but wonder if there even is one,

half stand up because you're unsure,

look around to see if other people are waiting.

They are, but they're Googling it, and then finally,

Samuel L. Jackson pops up and asks me to join

the Single Parentvengers. [Stan gasps]

Stan: Uh, maybe you should go to bed, Mom.

Mo11y: Yes. Your behavior is harmful to Stan.

Harmony: Good because I realized that

Stan loves the parent

who hurts him most.

Flute: Whoa. She doesn't mean that.

Harmony: The hell I don't. [Stan gasps]

[Stan sighs]

Mo11y: I'll never let anyone harm Stan.

[Dance music playing]

Flute: Uh-oh. That's not good.

Harmony: Oh, you wanna dance, dolly? Let's dance.

♪ Uh uh uh, uh uh ♪

[Flute gasps]

Flute: Glad we sprung...

for the 12-piece...

Paris Hilton collection. Uh!

♪

That's it. Mo11y, you are under arrest

for the murder of two scientists.

Oh, that's new.

Stan: Mo11y murdered two scientists

and you still let me have her?

Flute: Yes, but only because I was trying to prove to you

that I was the better parent.

God. Who taught you to listen, your mom?

Harmony: Yeah. Your mom. Ha! I'm gonna puke.

Stan: What is wrong with you two?!

Mo11y: As much as I desire to eliminate your parents,

it would scar you for life,

no matter what every Disney movie wants people to believe.

Let me take you where they cannot harm you again.

Stan: Mo11y may be a murderer,

but at least she's trying to protect me.

All you two care about is protecting yourselves.

Let's go, Mo11y.

Mo11y: If you try to follow us,

I will Bambi's mom the both of you.

Good-bye forever, Flute and Harmony.

Harmony: Oh, my God. Did you hear that?

Flute: Yeah. She put my name first. She likes me more.

Better parent.

Flute: I can't believe Mo11y stole Stan.

This is on you for being a deadbeat.

Harmony: I was a deadbeat for a day.

You were a deadbeat for years.

I'm going to use Stan's tracker to find them.

Flute: You have a tracker on Stan?

Harmony: After the third time he was kidnapped,

I figured it was time to be proactive.

Flute: That's actually pretty good parenting.

Harmony: Huh. God. Sometimes I'm so fixated

on what you're not doing that I forget what I am doing.

Thanks for noticing. [Chime]

Oh my God. They're heading for...

[Dramatically] Dolltown.

Flute: Why does everyone say it like that?

Just say they're heading for...

[Dramatically] Dolltown.

[Regular voice] Ooh.

[Dramatically] Dolltown.

[In high pitch] ♪ Funkytown ♪

[In regular voice, dramatically] Dolltown.

Hmm. I guess

that's just how it's pronounced.

♪

[Kang clears throat] Kang: Having fun?

Martinez: I can't remember the last time I was objectified.

I'm the Gigi Hadid of this place.

Summers: I just got a call from Flute.

Mo11y and Stan are coming in hot. We have to act!

Buddy: Oh, really? Do you even have a plan?

Summers: Damn right I do. Kang, call Flute for details.

Martinez, you handle supplies.

Buddy, tell Sheriff Corncob to get us Mo11y's location ASAP

once she arrives.

Buddy: I actually had that idea already

and was gonna do it anyway, so, yeah.

Wynona: What about me? Is there anything I can do to help you?

Summers: You already have.

[Soft music plays on soundtrack]

Wynona: How have I already helped?

Summers: Uh, I just meant, like, uh, you know.

Kang: Let's get to work.

Doll: Ain't you two a little big for dolls?

Flute: Just trying to keep up with the kids out there.

Damn milk hormones.

Doll: Just gotta do the standard check.

OK. You're smooth. Good to go.

Harmony: But how...?

Flute: Having one testicle has its advantages.

Well, advantage. Haven't really found one other than that.

[Elevator clanks loudly]

Doll: We got a few house rules: No pulling strings after 10:00,

no swapping batteries,

and nothing works because the appliances are toys.

Here's your keys. These also do not work.

Stan: Um, am I really never going to see my parents again?

Mo11y: Correct. But you can still talk to them.

[In Flute's voice] I love you, son.

[In Harmony's voice] And I also care about you.

[In regular voice] Is that sufficient?

Stan: I guess so.

Harmony: Stan? Stan: I heard enough, Mo11y.

Mo11y: That was not me. Stan: Huh?

Flute: Stan! Stan: Mom, Dad!

Did you come to cosplay-rescue me?

Harmony: I got so wrapped up competing

over who was the best parent that I forgot

about what was best for you. I'm sorry, Stan.

Flute: I'm also sorry. I'm very sorry.

Harmony: And I am very, very sorry.

Flute: And I'm quadruple very super hairy, Linda Perry sorry.

Harmony: I'm infinity sorry. Flute: Fine.

You're the most sorry. You want an award?

Harmony: [Scoffs] From the father of the year?

Mo11y: You are both causing great harm to Stan.

You must be eliminate--oh!

♪

Flute: Sorry, Mo11y, but you're the one who must be eliminated,

and we must be nominated for a SAG award

for outstanding performance by a cast or ensemble

that you totally fell for.

We're the cast or ensemble. We work together now.

Mo11y: They're not going to be happy.

Harmony: They?

Mo11y: All the Bluetooth-enabled toys I've hacked into.

[Toys buzzing and whirring]

[All gasp]

♪

Wynona: Well, neither are they. Mo11y: They?

♪

Flute: Time for an old-fashioned

analog versus digital doll rumble.

♪

Mo11y: You can play with this while I kill your parents.

♪

[Distorted yell]

♪

Robot: Oh, I thought you were someone else.

[Furry Frank sighs]

♪

Summers: Let the boy go.

Mo11Y: I'm afraid I can't do that.

♪

Summers: No!

Buddy: No!

Summers: No!

[Squeak, Wynona gasps]

Buddy: Scatter my stuffing over your panties drawer.

[Clank]

♪

Mo11y: You must die. You are bad parents.

Flute: That may be true, but you're not doing him any favors

by protecting him from us.

Kids need terrible parents.

That's how they turn out to be great adults.

Without terrible parents, we would never have

any artists or writers or comedians or fondler--

Wait. I went too far down the list.

My point is, by overprotecting Stan,

you're the one actually harming him.

[Blows landing]

[Mo11y plays series of tones, powers down]

Harmony: I can't believe that actually worked.

[Stan grunts]

Stan: Looks like you've just been unpaired.

[Clang] Harmony: Stan, you saved us.

Flute: I knew you had a dangerous, violent streak

in you.

Stan: Yeah, I'm sorry about the way I acted.

Flute: It's OK. I know you were high on Mo11y.

Mo11y made you feel good, real good,

like the kind of good that makes you wonder why

it took you so long to start using Mo11y.

And now that you've dropped Mo11y, everything's different.

Harmony: What you need is a dark room and 48 hours of bed rest

and a lot of water.

A good lo-fi mix wouldn't hurt. Flute: Listen to your mother.

She can be quite the deadbeat when she wants to.

Harmony: I learned from the best.

Flute: She said I'm the best. I win.

Martinez: Call me. And on a real phone,

not one of those ones that you spin

to make the farm animal noises.

Summers: Sorry about Buddy. Wynona: I really don't care.

I was just trying to be nice so he'd help us.

I kind of like someone else.

[Soft music playing on soundtrack]

Buddy: Wow. [Wynona gasps]

Buddy: So this is how I find out.

Wynona: Buddy? You're a toilet?

Buddy: A potty. And, yes, I jumped bodies again

when I was dying.

If you thought I was full of crap before.

Wynona: Ha ha! Why can't I quit you?

♪

Summers: Why am I obsessed with her?

She's so creepy.

I want her even more now.

♪

Person: Bento. [Cheering]