Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,119
Good evening. The producers
of Spitting Image have invited me
2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,399
to clarify some recent statements
made by the Met Police.
3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,999
Now, before I get started,
they've asked me to take off my hat
4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,599
and hold my head right about here.
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,599
CRUNCHING
Oh!
6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,159
Ah! Fair point.
But Cressida Dick's not resigning.
7
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,599
CRUNCHING
Ooh!
8
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:24,559
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
9
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,799
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
10
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,279
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
11
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,599
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
12
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,759
Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah!
13
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,479
SIRENS WAILING
14
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,119
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'
15
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:48,599
Right. This week is my big speech
to the Tory conference.
16
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,719
I know I can please the crowd
classic Bozza style,
17
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,039
but this year, I really want
to dig into the issues.
18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,599
Let me run it past you
and get your honest opinion.
19
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,279
Bring it on, boss!
Make love to my ears.
20
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,439
"Hello, Manchester."
Pause for applause.
21
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,239
RAAB LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Yes!
22
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,919
The centrepiece of our programme
is "levelling up".
23
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,359
Good. Finally, the details of what
"levellin' up" actually means.
24
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,079
Look! I've got big knockers!
25
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,479
Ha-ha!
26
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,519
Oh, if these were real,
I'd never leave the house.
27
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,039
That will definitely play in the
Shires, but what about the economy?
28
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,599
Oh, I've got that.
29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,959
We shall turbocharge the economy,
no strings attached.
30
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,399
Very good. Excellent.
Oh! Yes.
31
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,199
But exactly how will we...?
32
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,039
SCREAMING: Argh! My eyes!
33
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,039
Strings! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
34
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,279
Ooh-ooh! Hoo-hee-ha-ha!
35
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,199
Ah, God bless the man
who invented that.
36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,079
And, of course, we shall
safeguard supplies of British food.
37
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,399
Crivens.
Here comes the pie in the face.
38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,599
Wrong. Brick!
39
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,639
CRUNCHING
Ooh!
40
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,639
Oh!
Yada-yada-yada...
41
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,879
THUD
..and then I get my cock out.
42
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,079
You can't win over
the entire Tory Party
43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,840
with an hour of prop comedy
and knob gags!
44
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,159
ZIPPING,
CROWD ROARS
45
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,159
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,159
God, politics is easy.
47
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,759
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
48
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,599
OK, guys, we're here
to talk about our next campaign.
49
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,199
Getting knocked out
of the World Cup?
50
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,239
No, our next campaign
to effect profound social change.
51
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,239
That's why we got into football,
right?
52
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,799
Sound. Also, the hot women
that we totally respect.
53
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,639
ITALIAN ACCENT: We at FIFA
support your progressive values.
54
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,399
Right, who has some ideas?
55
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,399
Apart from Marcus.
56
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,719
Stop human rights abuses?
Great idea!
57
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,599
But maybe we can leave this
until after the Qatar World Cup?
58
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,679
A campaign against junk food
that causes obesity?
59
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,079
Excellent!
We'll definitely consider that
60
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,319
when the sponsorship deals are up
in 2070.
61
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,839
We should stop taking money
from gambling companies.
62
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,519
They're ruining society.
63
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,959
Yeah, that's right, they are.
Yes!
64
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,159
I had a grand on you to say that.
65
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,039
What about air pollution?
Perfect celebrity cause.
66
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,359
Everyone's against it,
and no-one expects us
67
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,759
to have any ideas
about how to solve it.
68
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,399
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
69
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,999
Let's hop on the Learjet
and go buy Lamborghinis!
70
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,839
Wahey!
CORKS POPPING
71
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:06,919
Fantastic!
Great!
72
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,120
Yay!
73
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:13,439
Mr President, we're never gonna
get anything through Congress
74
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,039
if we can't find
a reasonable Republican.
75
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,599
The infrastructure bill
has collapsed,
76
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,439
budget reconciliation
is irreconcilable,
77
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,879
and gun control is shot to hell.
78
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,919
Plus I forgot my Netflix login.
79
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,919
A lot of problems.
You know, I need my booster shot.
80
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,759
It's not a vaccine.
81
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,639
It's a blend of holy water
and chocolate syrup.
82
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,119
Yeah! Bless my soul.
83
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,119
I feel like presidentin' all night.
84
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,359
Yowww!
85
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,160
We'll let you work.
Pull the cord if you need us.
86
00:03:43,161 --> 00:03:45,999
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Think, Joe.
87
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,079
Where can I find
a reasonable Republican?
88
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,399
THUD
89
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,839
VOICE: Perhaps one was here
all along!
90
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,439
Who are you?
Mayor Cheeseburger.
91
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,119
I was Donald Trump's
favourite secret advisor.
92
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,679
BIDEN SNORTS
Figures he'd like a talking burger.
93
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,119
Hey! I'm also a mayor -
of Burgertown!
94
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,159
A Republican stronghold!
95
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,079
And this is my colleague
from Idaho -
96
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,079
Reverend French Fries.
97
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,079
Praise the Lord
and pass the ketchup!
98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,039
Hey, you two are diner folk,
just like me.
99
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,479
That's right!
We're all regular Joes,
100
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,759
not Washington Beltway insiders.
101
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,759
We're ready to compromise
on everything... except flavour.
102
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,079
I bet we can work out a deal.
CRUNCH
103
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,199
Ow! Hey, man,
that's my frontal lobe!
104
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,999
My God! We thought
we could work with you,
105
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,759
but you're just
another liberal brain-eater!
106
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,439
No, no, no, wait!
107
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,319
We'll never make a deal.
108
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,679
Wake up!
THUD
109
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,399
Wake up!
ETHEREAL CHIMES
110
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,839
Wake up! Wake up!
111
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,839
HE GASPS
Whoa. What the heck?
112
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,839
So it was all a dream...
113
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,799
But I learned an important lesson -
114
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:57,039
no compromise is possible as long as
we keep eating each other's brains.
115
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,319
Uh, maybe no more booster shots
for you.
116
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,519
HE RETCHES,
DRAMATIC STRINGS
117
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,999
Hey, guys. It's Chrissy Teigen.
118
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,279
Ten years ago, I did something bad,
and I need to apologise.
119
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,159
I tweeted something very cruel
to a teenager.
120
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,919
I am so sorry.
121
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,639
But that's not who I am now.
122
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,879
You know, I-I've evolved
into a kind, thoughtful...
123
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,079
PHONE CHIMES
124
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,079
Did someone just thumbs-down me?
125
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,079
Who the HELL do you think you are?!
126
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,319
I hope you fall into a river
and go missing for days
127
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,719
and your husband thinks you're dead
and remarries someone
128
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,399
RIGHT on your empty grave!
129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,839
And here's what happened
to your skull!
130
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,279
ANGRY SCREAM,
CLATTERING
131
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,919
PIGS SNORTING
Breaks my heart,
132
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,639
but we're gonna have to
cull these pigs.
133
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,399
We've got no choice.
134
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,999
With no truck drivers
to take 'em to t'market,
135
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,439
we have to destroy them.
136
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,719
HE GRUNTS,
PANTS
137
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,359
I'll take your damn pigs to market!
138
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,399
Tom Cruise? But why?
139
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,559
Because I once had a farm
with a little pig called Babe.
140
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,679
He was so special -
he wanted to herd sheep,
141
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,439
but I didn't believe in him.
142
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,839
I let him down.
143
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,599
And if I deliver your pigs,
I can make amends!
144
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,679
Wasn't that the movie Babe?
And you wasn't even in that.
145
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,359
Damn it. I need redemption!!
146
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,319
OK, OK. The truck's over there.
147
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,559
Listen to me.
I lied to those farmers.
148
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,799
I'm going to set you free.
149
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,079
They won't make you
into honey-roast ham,
150
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,999
or... pork sausages
with pepper and nutmeg...
151
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,639
or a delicious bacon sandwich
with vine-ripe tomatoes
152
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,039
and aioli mayonnaise.
TRUCK BEEPS AS PASSING
153
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,759
SIZZLING
Mm! Boy, this pig is delicious!
154
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,559
Wait - I didn't get my redemption!
155
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,919
ANGUISHED: I'm sorry, Babe!
156
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,279
Hey, guys. Chrissy again.
157
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,719
I have to apologise
for my previous apology.
158
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,719
Uh, I told @cutie-kitty92
that she should fall in a river.
159
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,039
I am so sorry.
160
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,039
And I apologise to all the fans
of my cookware line
161
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,839
that was pulled
from Macy's and Target
162
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,119
because of my previous apology.
163
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,879
It's such a bummer,
cos these pans are lightweight,
164
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,199
durable, non-stick...
PHONE CHIMES
165
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,279
Oh! My pan sticks,
says @angeleyes.215?
166
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,239
You know what this pan
would do to your skull?!
167
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,320
ANGRY GRUNTS,
THWACKING
168
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,399
Huh. Right.
169
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,679
I've done knitting -
2 million views,
170
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,039
I've done cupcakes -
5 million views,
171
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,319
and I've pimped my shopping trolley
- 10 million views!
172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,999
But what next for my YouTube
channel, Inside Tom Daley?
173
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,439
Lance? Lance! I need some help here!
174
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,319
You never wanna make content
with me.
175
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,359
I'm busy with this screenplay
about the life
176
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,039
of a gay World War Two bomber pilot
who obliterated Dresden
177
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,639
and went on to invent
the Post-it note!
178
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,039
Well, that's really inspiring,
but it's not content!
179
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,359
What? We made content the other day!
180
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,639
That doesn't count.
Your mind wasn't on it.
181
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,639
We used to make content
five times a day!
182
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,759
Tom, content isn't everything.
183
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,919
I want our relationship
to be more than that.
184
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,519
The last time we made content,
it was last thing on a Sunday night,
185
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,999
it only lasted five minutes, and
you struggled to get it uploaded.
186
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,999
Is that all I am to you?
A content provider?
187
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,839
Course not.
I love all the... typing you do.
188
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,119
I'm always polishing your Oscar.
189
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,159
I just think content's more exciting
when it's spontaneous.
190
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,319
We could make content now!
That would be spontaneous!
191
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,359
I can't be spontaneous
just like that!
192
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,079
Ugh. Well, if you're not gonna
make content with me,
193
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,439
maybe I need to find someone
who will.
194
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,799
Don't be like that, honey.
195
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,919
I promise, I'll make content
with you later.
196
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,239
Thanks.
197
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,839
Fancy a shag?
Yeah! Let's spice it up.
198
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,639
I'll put a shirt ON.
199
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,519
And I'll wear that sexy little
number you got me for my birthday.
200
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,759
Mm!
TOM GIGGLES GLEEFULLY
201
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,799
You guys. Wow.
202
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,519
I am so filled with shame
for my behaviour
203
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,159
that I wanna crawl into a hole.
204
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,479
People are saying
I'm just trolling them,
205
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,359
but I swear,
I'm a deeply flawed human,
206
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,679
but I'm not a troll.
207
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,439
PHONE CHIMES
What?
208
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,719
I do not have troll ears.
209
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,999
They've been surgically trimmed
to help hold back my hair.
210
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,359
Mm!
211
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,679
Hello, Chrissy.
It's me, Mark Zuckerberg.
212
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,079
Oh! Let me guess -
you're banning me for hate speech!
213
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,719
No. We at Facebook-Instagram
214
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,639
neither condemn nor condone
anything.
215
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,679
However, you've exceeded
your apology count.
216
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,559
OK, I admit - I'm a troll.
I was always a troll.
217
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,839
I live under a bridge,
and I eat goats,
218
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,559
and the only thing I'm sorry for
219
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,639
is that I didn't start eating goats
sooner!
220
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,719
More goats! BRING ME GOATS!
221
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,719
FEROCIOUS SNARFING
222
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:41,000
UPBEAT MUSIC
223
00:09:41,591 --> 00:09:45,039
What the fuck is going on here,
son?
224
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,839
I'm just deciding
my favourite type of rice.
225
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,319
HE VOCALISES
226
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,639
I've got it down to pilau,
long-grain and white.
227
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,759
Do what? I've got the record company
all right up my April.
228
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,519
Show me what you been working on!
229
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,599
It's my masterpiece, Dad.
Great.
230
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,519
Will it have some white-boy rapping
on it?
231
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,079
It's a C-111 form!
232
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,119
It allows planning permission
for a one-storey,
233
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,719
non-residential development
on a Grade II-listed building.
234
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,759
That's not gonna get played
at weddings!
235
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,999
No, but it will stop my neighbour
Tony from blocking my new gazebo.
236
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,559
HE VOCALISES
I'm turning my little village estate
237
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:14,999
into a gazebo heaven!
238
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,839
You're supposed to be a pop star!
You've lost focus.
239
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,199
No, I'm totally focused.
240
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,879
Look! I've also found
this 17th-century covenant
241
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,719
which will stop my
other neighbour - Mary -
242
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,719
from extending her garden
into my patio!
243
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,719
You're mentally
and musically unstable.
244
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,439
I'm gonna have to Britney Spears you
245
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,799
and get one of
them "conservatorships".
246
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,919
Is that like a conservatory?
I could put my pot plants in it.
247
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,759
No, son! It's where I take charge
of your affairs.
248
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,159
No more late nights
on the planning department website.
249
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,399
No more sneaking out
to measure boundaries.
250
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,599
At least you're still smoking pot,
though.
251
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,679
No, I quit. I just like the plants.
252
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,999
God damn it!
What kind of pop star are you?
253
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,439
Don't you understand, Dad?
No, I don't!
254
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,359
I don't really want approval
from the planning department.
255
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,399
I want it... from you.
256
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,239
And the planning department.
What?
257
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,319
Ever since I saw you put up a prefab
garden shed without instructions,
258
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,079
even though
there were two screws missing,
259
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,719
I've just wanted to be you.
260
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,199
Well, that's very nice of you
to say, son.
261
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,799
But you've got two screws missing,
262
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,119
and I'm still taking charge
of your bank accounts!
263
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,679
I feel gutted.
264
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,639
I feel used. I feel let down.
265
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,119
Great lyrics!
266
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,440
Put some Irish fiddle on it
and whack it on Spotify.
267
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,399
Hello, is that Britney's dad?
268
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,519
It only bloody worked!
HE LAUGHS
269
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,919
I feel gutted
270
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,279
I feel used
271
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,639
I feel let down and abused
272
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,279
Where's my gazebo
273
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,639
Of love?
274
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,599
The Pandora papers have revealed
275
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,439
that your biggest Tory donors
may be mired in corruption.
276
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,239
Do you plan to continue
taking dirty cash from dodgy donors?
277
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,679
Absolutely not.
278
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,759
All our donors
are stringently scrutinised
279
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,159
by an ethics and integrity panel
that is beyond reproach.
280
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,320
MONKEYS SCREECHING
281
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,839
BEEPING REPEATEDLY,
MONKEYS SCREECHING
282
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,839
And this committee doesn't
just rubber-stamp everything?
283
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,320
Sometimes,
they're very hard to convince.
284
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,920
EXCITED SCREECHING
285
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,840
BEEPING REPEATEDLY
286
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,119
I rest my case. Next question.
287
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,159
Cristiano, after the final whistle,
you stormed down the tunnel,
288
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,919
pouting, and shaking your head
like a little baby.
289
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:45,999
Are you sulking because
you started on the bench? No.
290
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,079
Ronaldo is not sulking
291
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,559
about stupid manager not starting
best player in the world.
292
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,919
So you're not upset?
293
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,999
No. I am mature grown-up.
294
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,559
Now I take ball home
and TELL MY MUM ON YOU!
295
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,879
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
296
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,520
ACAPELLA STING
297
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,759
Greta.
Malala.
298
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,479
"Mother Earth"?
Isn't that a bit Earth supremacist?
299
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,879
Yeah, I'm from the Mars Society,
300
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,119
and this kind of micro-aggression
isn't helping my anxiety issues.
301
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,719
HE INHALES WHEEZILY
302
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,599
You're so lucky
you only signed up five people.
303
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,279
Trying to keep track of all my
members is going to be a nightmare.
304
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,039
The point is to get my message out.
305
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,439
That might be easier
306
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,090
if you hadn't put
an extra apostrophe in "students".
307
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,199
I didn't have you down
as a grammar Nazi.
308
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,279
Did you hear that, everyone?
Greta just called me a Nazi.
309
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,879
EXCLAMATIONS
No! I didn't!
310
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,759
She called me, Malala,
311
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,719
the girl who was shot
by the Taliban, a Nazi!
312
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,199
That is not true!
313
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,999
A-And do you know who is in my club?
314
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,399
Harry Styles!
Pfft!
315
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,679
I don't believe you.
You're not cool enough.
316
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,039
Not like me and Fintan.
317
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,839
It IS true!
I don't care how cool Fintan is.
318
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,040
HE INHALES
319
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,400
HE BELCHES
320
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,119
BORIS BABBLING
Boris, dear...
321
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,879
you know what this flat needs?
322
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,279
Wallpaper. Very expensive wallpaper.
323
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:23,199
But, Carrie, my darling,
I am somewhat strapped for cash.
324
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,119
THUNDERCLAP
325
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,639
Chunky goblin,
do not dare to question my will.
326
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,079
You will do my bidding,
327
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,959
for I am Terror
and you are my plaything.
328
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,119
Yes, dear.
Say the words.
329
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,879
Say them!
330
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,439
By the power of sexual intercourse
with someone 20 years my junior,
331
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,359
I will do thy bidding!
332
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,839
Good boy.
333
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,359
Go get the wallpaper.
Yes, dear.
334
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,639
BABY CRIES,
THUNDERCLAP
335
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,279
No more breast-feeding!
336
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,719
It stretches the boobs.
337
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,959
Honestly,
it's such a mind-blowing honour
338
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,639
to be the youngest artist
to ever headline Glastonbury.
339
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,759
Why am I not picked
to play at festival?
340
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,919
Ronaldo should be
first name on list!
341
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,880
I am taking guitar 'ome!
Goodbye, assholes!
342
00:15:14,091 --> 00:15:19,079
There. I've tightened up
the loose nut on your stand.
343
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,159
Health and safety
could have done you for that.
344
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,479
Thought that was all gonna change
when we left the EU,
345
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,599
but there we are.
Oh, Lee, I lied to Malala
346
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,759
and said Harry Styles
has joined my club.
347
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,839
That's what she does to you!
Now I'm going to look like a fool.
348
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,439
Oh, this looks cool!
Harry!
349
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,159
You find it interesting?
350
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,839
Abso-fabulously!
351
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,519
Do you want to be part of it?
Tota-rotally.
352
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,559
Malala, come and see!
Harry Styles is in my club.
353
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:45,639
Really?
354
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,639
No, I was talking about
these fab tools. They're so manly.
355
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,479
I'd love to be part of THIS.
Oh, Greta...
356
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,119
Come on, Harry.
Let's go to my party.
357
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,199
Actually, I'd rather go to the pub
with Lee and talk about tools.
358
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,399
What?!
359
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,119
Come on, Lee. I'm buying.
Bring your wrenchy thing.
360
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,399
Righto, mate.
361
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,560
But we've got drugs!
Fintan's bringing Ventolin!
362
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,239
Why I am not picked for
James Bond movie? I am perfect man.
363
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,559
Good fitness. I always win!
364
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,159
Now, Ronaldo, don't you think
you're behaving a little childishly?
365
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,119
You are right, Daniel Craig.
You see into my 'eart.
366
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,999
I have been acting
like foolish baby. No more.
367
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,279
Good lad.
368
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,999
Argh! My arm! Referee!
369
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,559
Oh, Ronaldo.
This is... no time to dive.
370
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,760
Come on, Ref. You gonna let him
get away with that?!
371
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,479
Pretty soon, there's bound to be
an opening on the Supreme Court.
372
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,439
And I gotta move it left. WAY left.
373
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,999
They'll go so left, it'll be
tucked between my butt-cheeks.
374
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,999
I'll explain that to you later, sir.
375
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,279
Great, man.
376
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,639
I want a legal scholar
the kids'll like.
377
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,239
Someone with pizzazz, razzmatazz.
378
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,359
If you're looking to upgrade
the court's class and sass,
379
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,760
there's only one way
to find the perfect nominee.
380
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,879
RuPaul's Judge Race
Start your engines
381
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,719
RuPaul's Judge Race.
382
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,239
Our first contestant comes to us
383
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,599
from the Third Circuit
Court of Appeals.
384
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,200
Will her ensemble be appealing,
or will it get her disbarred?
385
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,119
I'm serving you Babylonian style,
386
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,519
from the original lawmaker,
King Hammurabi.
387
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,159
Eye for an eye,
tooth for a tooth, bitch.
388
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,439
And do NOT touch
my beard extensions.
389
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,959
Old-school justice!
390
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,399
Republicans'll love her.
But she's a no-sale to Dems.
391
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,159
Are those papyrus scrolls real?
Because that would freak me out.
392
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,279
Our next lawyer is known
for her legendary oral...
393
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,799
arguments!
394
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,519
I'll explain that one later.
395
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,679
I got that one.
I've been on trains.
396
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,719
I'm dishing Good Shepherd
of the Constitution.
397
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,959
You expect a nomination for that?
398
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,519
Don't count your sheep,
Little Ho Peep.
399
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,999
CACKLES
400
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,119
But also, she's an expert
on the Commerce Clause.
401
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,519
Next up, a real twist.
402
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:09,079
She tips the scales of justice
with fierce, fishy realness.
403
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,599
Come through, bio queen.
404
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,639
Ooh, honey,
they say justice is blind.
405
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,959
And your outfit proves it.
406
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,639
You shouldn't rush to judgement,
407
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,279
because I'm no believer
in judicial restraint.
408
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,479
It's a Ru-veal!
CHUCKLES
409
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:24,919
I'm gagging for it.
410
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,599
I think this queen
may reign supreme.
411
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,719
SHE CACKLES
412
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,759
Help! Secret Service!
A dog's got me!
413
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,679
BIDEN YELPING
414
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,520
GUNSHOTS
415
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,039
My motion was denied.
I was tricked.
416
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,599
Overruled.
417
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,999
I will not stand
for contempt of court.
418
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,879
You're dis-mizzed.
419
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,239
I swore I wasn't going to cry,
but... I'll allow it.
420
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,760
HE SOBS
421
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,080
It's time
for our final contestants...
422
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,639
..to lip-sync for your life...
423
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,719
time appointment
to the Supreme Court.
424
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:10,600
Cue Samuel Alito's opinion
in the case of Collins v Yelland.
425
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,599
Because the Federal Housing
Finance Agency, FHFA
426
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,079
Did not exceed its authority
427
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,159
Under the Housing
And Economic Recovery Act of 2008
428
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,559
As a conservator
Of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
429
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:23,959
The anti-injunction...
430
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,679
Hang on, stop the opinion.
I know who our nominee should be.
431
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,999
He, she, they...
432
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,439
YOU have been here all along.
433
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,639
Me?
434
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,319
You've had to make the hardest and
most important decisions for years.
435
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,399
Which fella looks like a dame?
436
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:44,360
I sentence us all
to a life of eleganza.
437
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,599
RuPaul's Judge Race
438
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:52,079
May the best justice
Best justice win!
439
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,239
It was exciting in places,
440
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,759
and you could sense the audience
responding to that,
441
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,679
but if I'm honest, it was overlong,
complicated and very hard to follow.
442
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,239
INTERVIEWER:
So you didn't like the Bond film?
443
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,919
What? No, I was talking
about my speech
444
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,359
at the Labour Party conference.
445
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,439
As for the film,
446
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,079
I felt a lot of the issues really
spoke to our national character -
447
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,919
patriotic
and yet outward-looking,
448
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,559
not afraid to ask difficult...
449
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,999
Oh, why don't you fuck off?
450
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,519
The traffic light system
for travel in Europe is over.
451
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:22,319
Britons are free once more
to explore France, Spain and Crete,
452
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,719
where I saved Afghanistan
and went snorkelling.
453
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,959
Deputy Prime Minister,
454
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,679
the leaders of Greece,
Spain and France to see you.
455
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,279
Ah, Mr Raab, uh, we beg you.
456
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,639
Put us back on
your red travel list.
457
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,520
Really? But why?
458
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,559
ALL: Mr Raab, we beg you
Put us back on your red travel list
459
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,799
And stop the British tourists
Coming over who are always pissed
460
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,879
To vomit in our fountains
After eating egg and chips for tea
461
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,640
Shag on beaches unprotected
Spreading all their STDs
462
00:20:52,641 --> 00:20:55,439
They point at menu
Wave their arms
463
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,119
And say our food
Gives them the shits
464
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,399
That is why we beg you
465
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,519
Put us back
On your red travel list
466
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,359
They urinate in streets and alleys
Making all our cities smell
467
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,640
Wearing T-shirts printed
With a penis saying, "Fucking hell"
468
00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:10,039
We've had enough
Of British drunkards
469
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,519
Falling off our balconies
470
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,599
Of getting into nasty fights
And clogging up our A&Es
471
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,879
The hen-night women
Roam the streets in scary packs
472
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:17,959
And flash their tits
473
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,160
Mr Raab, we beg you, put us back
On your red travel list
474
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,799
I hear you all, I hear you moan
But here's the harsh reality
475
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,039
You need the British tourists
To prop up your flat economies
476
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,759
So here's your choices
477
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,199
Drunken yobs or unemployment
Get my gist?
478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:37,119
Sadly, we agree that we must
Stay off your red travel list.
479
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,599
Oi, oi!
480
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,400
ALL EXCLAIMING
481
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,119
Oh, this is a lovely place to fish.
482
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:48,479
The Somerset Levels to our right,
the Glastonbury Tor to our left.
483
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,959
Oh...
484
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,640
Ooh! 'Ey up, Susie -
I've got a bite!
485
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,439
Oh, thank God! You saved me!
486
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,679
Argh! A talking fish! Throw it back!
487
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,079
No, please!
The river's full of drugs
488
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,719
from all them Glastonbury ravers
pissing in it.
489
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,559
I'm off me fucking nut on MDMA.
490
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,799
Fry me, eat me -
just don't throw me back!
491
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,199
Oh, my God. Now I've got one.
492
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,719
SHE STRAINS
493
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,879
GOVE HUMMING TECHNO BEAT
494
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,239
Throw me back!
495
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,279
The party's just getting started!
HE BEATBOXES
496
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,039
Hook me, hook me!
497
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,239
Well, we've got to eat one of them,
and...
498
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,039
I'm allergic to fish.
499
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120
BEATBOXING
500
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:37,199
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
501
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:42,040
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
502
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,959
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
503
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,199
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
504
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,320
Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah!
505
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,640
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com
506
00:22:57,690 --> 00:23:02,240
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38779
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof