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1
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,839
Oh, my God! Tyson, did someone
knock you out in training?
2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,079
Nah.
3
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,519
I fell asleep watching
the Anthony Joshua fight.
4
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,520
Right, back to sleep.
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,279
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
6
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:20,639
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:23,319
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
8
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,159
Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,639
Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah!
10
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,640
SIREN WAILS
11
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,479
Jess Phillips, I need your help.
12
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,919
I'm supposed to be the star
of the Labour Party Conference,
13
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,519
but Angela Rayner's
been getting all the attention.
14
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,999
Cos she shows
some bloody passion, Keir.
15
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,319
But she used the "S" word,
the one that rhymes with...
16
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,399
bum.
17
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,599
She got excited, and it worked.
18
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,079
Excited, eh?
And how does that come about?
19
00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,799
You like football, right?
How do you feel when Arsenal score?
20
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,119
Content, on occasion.
21
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,519
Within certain parameters.
22
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,159
Oh, Diane Abbott's tits, bab!
23
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,639
You must have SOME emotion.
24
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,559
What did you do
on your wedding night?
25
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,039
It was quite something.
26
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,959
We wrote our thank you letters
all night.
27
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,359
Oh, I'm sick of you.
You bloody robot!
28
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,639
SHE GRUNTS,
CLANG
29
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,039
Don't you whack me,
you Brummie tart!
30
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,640
That's it, bab!
There's your passion.
31
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,839
And so, by convening
the National Policy Forum
32
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,919
to report to the
National Executive Committee...
33
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,359
SHE GRUNTS,
CLANG
34
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,599
Eat the rich!
35
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,079
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,479
The Conference
Arrangements Committee,
37
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,679
together with the
organisational sub-committee...
38
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,999
SHE GRUNTS
Fuck the Tories!
39
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,800
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,199
Being a celebrity
isn't all fancy hotels,
41
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,840
private jets
and crashing Friends reunions.
42
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,840
Sometimes it's just about being me.
43
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,439
WOMAN: 'Twat, by James Corden.'
44
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,679
BIG BEN CHIMES
45
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,159
I now convene
this Select Committee
46
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,719
to investigate the causes
of the petrol panic.
47
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,439
First to give evidence,
Barry and Susie from Maidenhead.
48
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,719
Um, why are we here?
49
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,919
Because you, along with
the rest of the idiot public,
50
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,879
panicked about petrol
and now there's queues everywhere.
51
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,279
Explain yourself,
Susie from Maidenhead.
52
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,239
Everyone else was doing it.
I got worried.
53
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,199
I mean, I might have to
go somewhere next week!
54
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,959
Where? Where might you go?
55
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,959
I don't know.
Just out for a pootle.
56
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,679
On weekends,
we might have a pub lunch.
57
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,679
Don't distract the Prime Minister
with talk of pub lunches!
58
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,879
Ooh, would there be sausages?
59
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,319
And mash, with onion gravy!
Phwoar!
60
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,359
The point is, your behaviour
has created a crisis
61
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:52,599
where there was none.
62
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,999
Where was your needle
when you pulled into the station?
63
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,679
About three-quarter full.
There, we have the admission.
64
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,239
Better to be safe than sorry.
I mean, what if something happened?
65
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,519
What? What might "happen"?
66
00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,239
I don't know, a petrol panic?
67
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,719
One final question.
68
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,159
Where did you purchase this petrol?
69
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,720
The place just round the corner.
70
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,399
FOOTSTEPS,
DOOR CLOSES
71
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,959
I think we can go now.
72
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,559
Pub lunch?
73
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,160
SLURPING
74
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,119
I'm going mad, Rashy.
75
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,159
I can't score a goal.
I keep missing.
76
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,039
That's just football,
you'll come good.
77
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,239
It's not just football, though.
I'm missing everything.
78
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,920
I even missed the bus yesterday.
79
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,519
Damn it!
That was an absolute sitter.
80
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,239
I'm starting to see what you mean.
81
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,239
Do you mind if I use your toilet?
No.
82
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,279
But I should warn you, I missed.
83
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,119
Harry, the important thing is
you're in touch with your feelings.
84
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,279
It's out in the open now.
85
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,279
What a positive development
for your mental health.
86
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,679
Oh, shut it, gaffer!
87
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,239
HARRY GRUNTS,
GARETH GROANS
88
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,839
You did it! You didn't miss!
89
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,159
Ooh...
90
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,520
CROWD CHEER
91
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:06,559
Meghan, this new Netflix show I'm
producing for you is gonna be huge.
92
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:10,159
Tell Elton all about it.
It's about a beautiful young swan,
93
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,599
but no-one treats her
like the beautiful swan she is.
94
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,519
Until season two,
when everyone apologises to her.
95
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,359
So brilliant and inspiring.
96
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,599
And we thought you could write
the theme song.
97
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,279
Mm. Ha-ha.
I can hear it already!
98
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,679
Some Cs, some Gs, an F.
99
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,079
Why not?! Make it spicy.
100
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,759
ELTON CHUCKLES
101
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,279
And luckily, one of our neighbours
in Santa Barbara
102
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:34,999
is a pretty famous lyricist.
103
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,079
Bernie Taupin!
104
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,279
Tiny wanker!
The bitch is back.
105
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,639
We wrote dozens of hit songs
over 30 years,
106
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,079
till it turned out
multi-platinum Bernie Taupin
107
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,159
wasn't good enough
for The Lion King.
108
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,759
Oh, not that again!
109
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,319
Oh! Hakuna my tata!
110
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,879
There's the old chemistry.
111
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,639
Anyway, the new show's theme song
should be about a tragic princess.
112
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,319
I thought it was about a swan.
113
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,919
Well, what is a swan
if not a floating princess?
114
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,439
You know what? I love it.
115
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,039
Which means I hate it.
I'm out!
116
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,679
Good! Who needs you?
117
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,519
Go write a song about yellow bricks
and crocodile rocks!
118
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,519
You just write songs
with Ks in them!
119
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,999
What's the deal with K?
Are you paid by the K?
120
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,359
I'd like to see you write lyrics,
Captain Fat-tastic.
121
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,879
Watch me, I'll write the whole song
with no Ks in it at all.
122
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,879
Actually, the swan's name
is Sweghan Swarkle.
123
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,559
That's a good name. Damn!
124
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,519
STRIKES CHORD,
HE SCREAMS
125
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,680
PHONE PINGS
126
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,879
Greetings, fellow TikTok-ers!
127
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,959
And especially
the people of Afghanistan.
128
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,239
We created TikTok in China,
but it's for you.
129
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,959
The Western nations
have given up on Afghanistan.
130
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,479
But don't worry,
131
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:53,799
China is ready to step in and help,
and we expect nothing in return.
132
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,319
Sir, good news.
133
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,079
There are billions of dollars'
worth of reconstruction contracts
134
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,000
available from Kabul.
Not now, Qian!
135
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,839
I'm busy showing everyone a fun
new dance called the Kabul Kick.
136
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,839
Qian, drop the beat!
137
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:07,959
HIP-HOP BEAT
138
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,599
Put your hands in the air
And represent
139
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,119
If you like the new
Afghani government
140
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,919
Islamic fundamentalists
Are mighty fine
141
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,479
Especially when they own so many
Copper mines
142
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,359
Get in a line and do the tiny
143
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,199
If you are cool with a patriarchy
144
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,159
To make Muslim friends
We're eager
145
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,119
Just ask our homies, the Uighurs
146
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,559
Your natural resources
Are all we want
147
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,319
Democracy is for silly BLEEP
148
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,799
So nod your heads
Because it's gonna be gravy
149
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,480
And stay out of our seas
The US Navy.
150
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,599
I hope you liked
your new dance, Afghanistan!
151
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,439
Actually, sir,
the Taliban just banned TikTok.
152
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,279
That will change.
PHONE BLEEPS
153
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,039
BIG BEN CHIMES
154
00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,719
I've called this meeting because
we are facing a national crisis.
155
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,879
My KFC order hasn't arrived.
156
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,639
Oh, no!
Dear God!
157
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,159
Due to our precarious
petrol predicament,
158
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,599
Britain has literally
run out of chickens.
159
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,679
Could this have something
to do with Brexit?
160
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,679
Can't be.
Absolutely not. No!
161
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,919
This could be trouble.
England runs on chicken.
162
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,959
I'll put the Army on standby.
163
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,759
I'll cancel my city break.
164
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:23,839
No!
165
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,199
Much as our nation has defeated
so many enemies in the past,
166
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,959
we shall defeat this enemy
of no chicken.
167
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:34,719
The proud people of Britain
will not give in to panic.
168
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,239
CROWD SHOUT
169
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,119
SIRENS BLARE,
EXPLOSION
170
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:40,239
MAN: What do we want?
CROWD: Chicken thighs!
171
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,319
When do we want them?
Now!
172
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,759
Those people are hungry.
173
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,119
If we don't do something,
it'll be us on the menu.
174
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,479
They've got garlic mayonnaise!
175
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,479
I'm too young to be seasoned!
176
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,279
Did somebody order
a special relationship?
177
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:54,999
FANFARE
178
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,199
CLUCKING
179
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,199
Hi, y'all.
Sorry we're late.
180
00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,239
IT SQUAWKS
181
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,719
Mr President,
you've come to our aid
182
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,799
just when we thought
everything was clucked.
183
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,599
You can use this fella
to start a breeding programme,
184
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,999
and in five years, man,
you'll be self-sufficient in...
185
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,639
CHICKEN SQUEALS
186
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:12,799
BORIS BELCHES,
GASPING
187
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,080
Tasty, but could do
with some hot sauce.
188
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,079
Ah!
189
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,040
You have to admit,
Deliveroo are bloody quick.
190
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,359
Ma-ha. It's been more challenging
than I thought.
191
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,759
But I flew here from Venice
the moment I wrote the first line.
192
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,479
HE SINGS TO MELODY OF ROCKET MAN:
193
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:35,640
Sweghan Swarkle
You'll go far-kle!
194
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,119
It's great,
but farkle's not really a word.
195
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,559
Ha! Well, there's no words
that rhyme with Swarkle,
196
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,759
that's not my fault.
Sparkle?
197
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,239
Shut up, David!
DAVID QUAILS
198
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,359
The truth is,
I'm terrible at lyrics!
199
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,079
You should have heard my songs
before Bernie came along.
200
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,839
Rocket Man was Pocket Fan.
201
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,159
Erm, what's a pocket fan?
I don't know!
202
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,719
It fit with the melody.
HE CHUCKLES
203
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,719
Maybe you should just
go apologise to Bernie.
204
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,199
I'm sure he'd have you back.
205
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,879
That's how I feel about my enemy,
Kristen Stewart.
206
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,159
If she would just apologise
for being so irritatingly aloof
207
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,519
about her own fame.
208
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,119
It's like she has the fame,
but she doesn't want the fame.
209
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,040
MEGHAN GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
210
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,119
I could never apologise to Bernie.
211
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,719
It'd be so humiliating.
212
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,319
I'm sorry, we're sunk.
I'll write the lyrics!
213
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,759
Oh, that's so sweet...
But words aren't your thing either.
214
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,039
Oi!
215
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,999
I 'ad done biz went to Eton,
I does.
216
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,119
Besides, lyrics ain't about words.
It's poetry about love.
217
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,679
All you need is love.
218
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,599
Love, love is all you need.
219
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,199
That's a great lyric, right there!
220
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,399
Yes (!) The Beatles wrote it!
221
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,159
Maybe we'll just make it
instrumental.
222
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,519
No, I'm gonna do it.
223
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,719
I'll show all of you.
224
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,119
I just need a dictionary,
a fethaurus
225
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,439
and a book
what with all the words in it.
226
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,240
A dictionary?
I actually produce one.
227
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,559
DAVID WAILS
228
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:56,799
SHE SIGHS
229
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,319
Were you busy today, dear?
230
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,199
I'm Sajid Javid, the
Health Secretary for all of England
231
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,639
during a major health crisis.
So, no.
232
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,559
Well, we have a problem.
The dishwasher is broken.
233
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,799
We're just going to have
to learn to live with it.
234
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,119
We can't keep the kitchen on hold.
I need my tea.
235
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,519
But it's flooded the floor.
236
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,119
We can't cower
to the dishwasher, Laura!
237
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,119
Dad, I fell over in the shed
and some of it got stuck on me.
238
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,039
LAURA WHIMPERS
Let's look at the bigger picture.
239
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,439
Statistics show
240
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,879
that young people are in
a relatively safe demographic.
241
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,719
No visit to the shed
comes with zero risk.
242
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,239
So I should learn to live with it?
Good boy!
243
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,679
SHE SCREAMS
And now look!
244
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,079
LION ROARS
245
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,359
SHE SCREAMS,
LION ROARS
246
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,399
Well, it's a new challenge,
that's for sure,
247
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,679
but if we all pull together,
we can learn to live with it.
248
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,039
I think it's going to eat you.
249
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,079
Which means we'll get
to herd immunity quicker.
250
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,559
THEY SCREAM
251
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,959
Daddy!
252
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,479
No-o-o-o!
253
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,279
Oh, it's in my eye! Argh!
254
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,599
Do you know
that your dishwasher's broken?
255
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,959
LION BELCHES
256
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,199
ROCK MUSIC
257
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,839
'The most watched forensic analysis
team in the world...'
258
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,800
EXPLOSION
'..is back for another season.'
259
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,200
MICAH LAUGHS
260
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,159
Deceased male, probable murder.
261
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,079
To be fair,
he's had an absolute shocker.
262
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,719
Micah, have you found anything?
263
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,719
There's something dead funny, Alex.
Look.
264
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,319
I can make my hand go big!
265
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,199
HE LAUGHS
266
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,639
So, Alex, what do you think
went wrong tonight?
267
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,239
Well, for me, it's a bit of a mess,
to be honest, Gary.
268
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,639
The victim's a ruthless
billionaire football club owner
269
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,119
who's bled the place dry
running up massive debts,
270
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,599
to the detriment of the team.
271
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,439
With absolutely no regard
for the fans,
272
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,359
the club's history
or the good of the game?
273
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,519
What a twat. Right, viewers?
274
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,759
As you can see, he's had his mouth
stuffed with chips,
275
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,519
and then he's been drowned in gravy.
276
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,799
So that tells me we've got to be
looking for an angry Man United fan.
277
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,879
So we're looking for
a prawn sandwich-eater
278
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,279
who comes from Surrey,
279
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,799
can't name any United players
since David Beckham
280
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,919
and has never set foot
inside Old Trafford.
281
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,279
Sorry, but for me,
that doesn't make any sense, Gary.
282
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,399
It was a joke, Alex.
283
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,399
Oh.
I'm the king of friendly banter.
284
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,999
Because of how likeable I am.
Right, viewers?
285
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,759
If only we could
bring dead man back to life.
286
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,239
Then he could tell us
who killed him.
287
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,639
HE LAUGHS
288
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,279
Life doesn't work like that, Micah.
289
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,519
Aw, I'm sad now.
290
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,759
HE LAUGHS
291
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,239
We need to establish
how long the victim's been dead.
292
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,719
I reckon less than five minutes.
293
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,679
These chips are still warm.
294
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,679
Are you eating chips
from a dead man's mouth?
295
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,439
Only way to be sure.
296
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:19,839
Well, we're out of time.
297
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,319
As usual,
we basically contributed nothing.
298
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,160
See you all at next week's murder.
Good night.
299
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,759
'The evidence suggests that
llama antibodies could cure COVID.
300
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,719
'These woolly wonders are not only
lovely, they may also save mankind.'
301
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:41,039
Fucking llamas. They think
they're special cos they got two Ls.
302
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,079
Huh. You know what else got two Ls?
303
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,479
My balls!
304
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,359
They're saving people, Mel, come on!
305
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,119
We could save people.
306
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,559
We're medical miracles.
It's true.
307
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,959
We live longer
than any other rodent.
308
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,279
We're resistant to cancer.
309
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,759
We won Vertebrate of the Year
in 2013.
310
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,919
Oh! I won it this year.
311
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,559
I win everything, you know.
SHE SNORTS
312
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,759
Ah, screw this!
313
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,399
I'm offering myself to science
in the service of humanity.
314
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,319
Well, be back in time for lunch.
315
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,359
It's your own faeces!
316
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,559
I did it, I wrote the lyrics.
In your face, Furnish.
317
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:17,999
I was always on your side.
318
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,799
Ha ha! Right, let's have a sing.
319
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,119
Oh, help, it's me, Bernie
320
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,759
Harry lured me over
With the promise of Chablis
321
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,159
Then he locked the door
Until I wrote this song...
322
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,879
What the hell is this?!
323
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,439
You locked up Bernie Taupin?
324
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,639
In our wine cellar.
Look, I had no choice!
325
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,359
You all said I couldn't do it, and
then it turned out I couldn't do it.
326
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,919
I thought, if Bernie's locked up
for a day, who's gonna miss him?
327
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,519
I'd miss him.
328
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,600
I'm busting him out.
David, hand me my axe!
329
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,879
Ooh, and my big glasses.
330
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,080
I want to make an entrance.
Ma-ha!
331
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,919
ELTON CHUCKLES
332
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,879
Bernie and I
just want to say thank you.
333
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,319
You made us realise
how much we've missed collaborating.
334
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,639
And how addicted to Chablis I am.
335
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,919
So you wrote the song
about the inspiring young woman?
336
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,399
Well, we wrote a song
about AN inspiring woman.
337
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,639
It's the title track for the
upcoming biopic of Angela Merkel.
338
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,879
Got a great K sound, and it stars...
339
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:16,999
Don't say it.
340
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,359
BOTH: Kristen Stewart!
341
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,760
Oh!
342
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:28,839
Angela Merkel come full circle
343
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:33,520
Hamburg girl in East Berlin
344
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,919
Christian Democratic leader...
345
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,119
'The Oscar for best song goes to...
346
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,359
'Elton John and Bernie Taupin
for Young Merkel!'
347
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,080
Hold me closer
Tiny Chancellor...
348
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,279
My God, Mel, what happened?
349
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,519
Those scientists,
they sucked me dry! Your blood?
350
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,719
My sperm!
351
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,079
Those bastards jerked me off
till my balls imploded.
352
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,759
Oh, Mel! I ain't gonna be able
to have sex again...
353
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,279
NO!
354
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,039
..for five seconds.
355
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,839
Four, three, two, one.
356
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,239
Here I come!
357
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,559
Woo-hoo!
358
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,839
Ah! Oh!
359
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,119
Take that, science.
Nature always finds a way.
360
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,560
BOTH LAUGHING
361
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,319
GROANING
362
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,399
There, there. I'm Jameela Jamil.
363
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,119
It's gonna be OK. I'm a feminist.
364
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,639
But you're an actress.
365
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,479
What are you doing
in a trauma centre?
366
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,599
Being mislabelled by you.
367
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:45,439
I'm an actress-host-
multi-hyphenate-founder of I Weigh.
368
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,799
I've come to work here
369
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,239
because I myself
have endured so much trauma.
370
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,959
I was trapped in a landslide.
371
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,479
I had to eat my own legs to escape.
372
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,119
The same thing happened to me,
metaphorically.
373
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,079
I was forced to come out as queer
374
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,159
to stop people
from tweeting mean things,
375
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,799
and that was like
eating my own heterosexuality.
376
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,159
But th-that's not really
the same thing. I...
377
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,799
Saying that is misogyny.
378
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,399
Let's see how YOU like body shaming!
SHE GRUNTS
379
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,559
MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY
Wait, how was I... Argh...
380
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,000
HE EXHALES WHEEZILY,
MACHINE FLATLINES
381
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,399
PANTING
382
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,519
Patient needs 40 ccs of saline.
Stat!
383
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,079
Ugh. Here we go again
with the mansplaining.
384
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,719
Mansplaining? But I'm a woman.
385
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,199
JAMEELA GASPS
I'm sorry.
386
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:28,959
I was confused
because you don't have
387
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,199
symmetrical, voluptuous breasts
like I do.
388
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,639
Argh!
Hey, eyes up here!
389
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,599
Could we possibly
make this less about you
390
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,719
and more about defibrillating
this patient?
391
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,679
Sexist! You assume I'm a nurse
because I'm in a hospital
392
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,599
and dressed like a nurse.
You're worse than the media.
393
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,319
Did you know
I've been chased by bees?
394
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,879
Now he's dead. This is terrible!
395
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:50,359
I know. It's so triggering for me.
396
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,279
It reminds me of the Palestinians
397
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,080
and how I've internalised
their struggle.
398
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,519
Help!
399
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,439
I've had a spike thrown through me!
400
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,919
Me too! I was metaphorically spiked
by a car driven by a swarm of bees.
401
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,639
Who cares?
Oh, I see. Rob me of my narrative.
402
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,479
Typical
white patriarchal oppression!
403
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,079
BUZZING
Argh! Is that a bee?
404
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,440
SHE EXCLAIMS
405
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,719
Oh, that's lucky.
406
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,880
I've got something to tweet about...
407
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,319
Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.
408
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,359
Here to tell you about
my great new show, Young Rock.
409
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,479
It's all about my life as a kid.
410
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,519
I had some big obstacles
to overcome.
411
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,080
Take a look.
412
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,039
Young Rock, you have to choose
413
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,599
between every single girl
in the school to be your prom date.
414
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,919
And every single boy.
And all the teachers.
415
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:45,519
Whoa, that's a big obstacle.
416
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,319
But before I overcome it,
417
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,839
let's have a sip of
my Watermelon Whatamana Tequila.
418
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,920
It's delicious
and a great income stream for me.
419
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,959
Hey! I was in that scene.
420
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,239
Where was I? Why'd you cut me out?
421
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:03,239
Sorry, Kevin Hart,
but you tested badly. With who?
422
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,639
Well, with me.
423
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,079
You can't just cut me!
424
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,999
I don't wanna talk about it.
Uh, hey...
425
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,079
Do I smell cheese?
Cheese? Got some cheese?
426
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,519
Oh, baby, I love me some cheese!
427
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,439
Where the cheese at?
Where the cheese at?
428
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,919
Just over there, little guy.
429
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,239
Young Rock, streaming now,
with me...
430
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,839
and not Kevin Hart.
431
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,159
SNAP, SCREAM
432
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,479
I hate you, you big dumb Rock!
433
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,370
Yeah, well, you're the one
who got caught in a mousetrap!
434
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,639
Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
435
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,799
Facebook has got a lot
of attention lately,
436
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,559
and I'm here to explain away
437
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,879
some of the really bad stuff
you might have heard.
438
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,399
First, it is not true that
our content moderation algorithm
439
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,479
is arbitrary and ineffective.
440
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,279
In fact, we do not use AI
to decide what gets blocked.
441
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,919
Watch this video recording
442
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,679
of a content control
committee meeting.
443
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,560
MONKEYS SCREECHING EXCITEDLY
444
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,959
Facebook has also been accused
445
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,639
of favouring one political party
over another.
446
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,719
This video of our
partisanship review board
447
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,159
should put that rumour to rest.
448
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,919
SCREECHING EXCITEDLY
449
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,480
GLASS SMASHING
450
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,759
My final point is this.
451
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,199
Facebook believes in transparency,
452
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,239
which is why, from now on,
453
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,919
I will be wearing
this invisibility cloak.
454
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,719
See?
455
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,119
EXCITED SCREECHING
456
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,799
SOFT FEMALE VOICEOVER:
Elle est riche, belle...
457
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,520
et mysterieuse.
458
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,039
C'est a dire...
459
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,639
jusqu'a ce qu'elle ouvre sa bouche.
460
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,479
What the fuck are you on about?
461
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,279
Brassy.
462
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,039
The new fragrance by Adele.
463
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,559
I released a perfume!
464
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,959
SHE CACKLES
What am I like?
465
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,999
ETHEREAL MUSIC
466
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,399
'There once was
a brave little fellow
467
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,199
'who wanted to help everyone.
468
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,559
'But some nasty people
got hold of him.'
469
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,959
Net?!
470
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,599
HE GROANS
471
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,799
Wh-What's going on?
Sorry, old thing.
472
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,999
See, you've been spending
an awful lot of cash lately,
473
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,559
and now, well,
there have to be cuts.
474
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,559
But the Prime Minister and I
can't be the ones to do it.
475
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,599
Very unpopular to make cuts.
476
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,399
I'm afraid it has to be you,
old chap.
477
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,199
So we've made a few modifications.
478
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,760
BORIS AND GOVE
LAUGH MANIACALLY
479
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,639
Back to work, Rishi Scissorhands!
480
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,799
HE SCREAMS
481
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,439
'At first, everyone loved him.'
482
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,919
Look, I'm cutting red tape!
483
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,519
'And no-one seemed to mind
484
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,679
'that the red tape mountain
had actually got bigger.
485
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,839
'But then everyone hated him.'
486
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,599
I'm sorry, kids.
487
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,079
I didn't want to cut your food!
488
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,119
But my scissor hands did!
489
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,839
GIRL GASPS
490
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,399
Save our NHS! Save our NHS!
491
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,439
Watch out for my hands!
492
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,880
No, no, please! Please don't!
493
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,759
'The simple-minded townsfolk
didn't realise
494
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,679
'that the cuts
were for their own good.
495
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,480
'And in their ignorance,
drove him out of town.
496
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,039
'But he wasn't unhappy for long.
497
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,959
'Because his wife loved him.
498
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,520
'And also, he was a billionaire.'
499
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:33,239
MAN: Finally, we open the tomb
of the great Pharaoh Intef.
500
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,640
What treasures lie within?
501
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,559
Oh, gosh! Only me. Hello!
SHE SNORTS
502
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,399
What are you doing
in a 4,000-year-old burial chamber?
503
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,599
I'm Olivia Colman.
I'm in everything.
504
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,599
Hello! Ah!
505
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,079
Oh. I'm shut in again, am I?
506
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:51,440
Gosh. See you! Ha!
507
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,999
Chancellor Merkel, after 16 years
of calm, careful, sober leadership,
508
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,759
are you planning to have
a little fun in your retirement?
509
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:00,999
Oh, yes.
510
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,479
I plan to continue with
my interests in quantum chemistry,
511
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,639
write a comprehensive
multi-volume autobiography,
512
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,999
und, of course,
513
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,839
help manage the transition
to ze new coalition.
514
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,399
Wonderful plans, Chancellor.
515
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,919
But first, I'm going to get
super vasted!
516
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,039
Techno, techno, techno!
517
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,560
TECHNO MUSIC
518
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,640
Want some ket?
Ja!
519
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,840
Hold me closer, tiny Chancellor
520
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,880
Lovely leader, first fraulein
521
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,840
Angela, you are our angel
522
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,879
We will not forget you
523
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,800
Nein.
524
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,640
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00:23:08,690 --> 00:23:13,240
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