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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,399
Oh-oh-oh-oh
2
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,639
Ah-ah-ah-ah
3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,879
Oh-oh-oh-oh
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:13,399
Ah-ah-ah-ah
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,600
Oh-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah!
6
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,679
I'd like to apologise.
7
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:25,239
Last week, I said I had a meeting
with Dominic Raab.
8
00:00:25,240 --> 00:00:27,879
I didn't.
I actually met with Boris Johnson.
9
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,719
I'm sorry about the confusion,
I didn't mean to cause any offence,
10
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,799
but all Tories look the same to me.
11
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,560
BIG BEN CHIMES
12
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:39,600
Ugh!
13
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,039
A-ha. Yes. Bye, dear.
14
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,599
Right, I'm off to attend to some
matters of state at Waitrose.
15
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,199
And then a quick Cabinet reshuffle.
16
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,079
ALL GASP
17
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,319
ALARM SOUNDS
18
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,319
'Cabinet reshuffle!
Cabinet reshuffle!'
19
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,919
He's going to fire us all.
20
00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:00,959
OK, Dom, this time,
we're gonna learn some countries.
21
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,119
OK, you are...
22
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,639
Mackle-donia? Macadamia!
23
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,439
Well, anyway, it's near Crete.
24
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:09,679
DREAMILY: Ah, Crete's so great.
25
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:11,919
No, Dom! Concentrate!
26
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,639
Oh, damn it, I'm gonna get sacked
for being too popular!
27
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,159
Then make yourself hated, like me.
28
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,719
SCOFFS
With this face?
29
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:24,199
ANGELIC CHOIR: Rishi-i-i-i...
SINGER: Eat out to help out.
30
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,279
Stop! Look, if we want to stay
in the Cabinet,
31
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,759
we should act like
proper Conservatives.
32
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,519
You mean...
brief against each other?!
33
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:32,759
PHONES DIAL AND RING
34
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,319
He's totally incompetent...
Massive egg-head...
35
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,559
Rishi-i-i...
DOOR OPENS
36
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,079
Righto, everybody, back to business.
37
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,039
I've finished reshuffling
my cabinet.
38
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,079
ALL GASP
What?
39
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,759
My drinks cabinet.
40
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,359
From dark and peaty,
all the way to pink and jammy.
41
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,399
ALL SIGH IN RELIEF
42
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,999
Which is what you're going to
look like after I've reshuffled you.
43
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,359
ALL GASP
What?!
44
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,559
You can't move me!
Is there no justice?!
45
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,160
Hmm...
46
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,759
DOOR OPENS
47
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,359
Ah, William!
Wasn't it super about the tennis?
48
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,399
I'm just writing a note
to Emma Raducanu.
49
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,359
Don't forget you're
the Queen of Canada too, Grandmama.
50
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,719
You'll have to commiserate
with Leylah Fernandez.
51
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,759
Of course.
52
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,239
I take my duties as Queen of the
Commonwealth very seriously indeed.
53
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,479
Excellent.
So, what have you written to Emma?
54
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:26,159
"Dear Emma. Jolly well done
on beating that dreadful Canadian.
55
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,119
"God, I hate Canada.
56
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,479
"Freezing bloody cold the whole time
and full of mooses
57
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,119
"and stupid bloody Mounties
wearing ridiculous hats.
58
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,039
"Half the bloody country speak
French. What's that all about?
59
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,479
"But I digress.
60
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,239
"Well done again
on your splendid victory
61
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:47,319
"and, in conclusion, I hope I never
have to go to Canada again."
62
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,039
Hmm. And what are you going to say
to Leylah?
63
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:54,320
How about, "Well played.
Now fuck off back to Moose-Land."?
64
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,119
Mr President,
welcome to our secret UFO facility.
65
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,919
But I thought the big report
66
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,439
said there was nothing
to that malarkey about Area 51.
67
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,759
There isn't, sir. This is Area 52.
68
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,479
Ooh!
I should warn you.
69
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,839
You're about to see an object
70
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,519
that will cause you to rethink
our place in the universe
71
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,559
and shudder
for the fate of humanity.
72
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,559
A haemorrhoid suppository
that actually works?
73
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,719
Hot damn!
74
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,799
No, sir. An alien spacecraft!
75
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,000
Ooh!
76
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,679
ETHEREAL MUSIC
77
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,959
Whoa! Looks like a suppository.
78
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,320
It's not.
79
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,159
So, how does this alien spaceship
work?
80
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,199
All we know is that these
aliens have design taste
81
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,559
far beyond
even our most advanced gay couples.
82
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:52,159
Well, my dad sold cars.
Inside, they're all the same.
83
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,840
Now, what does this yankamajigger
do?
84
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,719
GASPS
My God, you've activated it!
85
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,919
I'm detecting an incredibly
advanced fusion drive signature.
86
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,159
I'll tell you what's advanced.
The lumbar support on this sofa.
87
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,399
ALARM
88
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,839
Who has activated
the master lounge pod viewer
89
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,679
in our long lost spacecraft?
90
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,119
Hey, it's me, Joe from Scranton,
US of A, Planet Earth.
91
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,479
Say, how about you get your ass
down here so we can chew the fat?
92
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,879
We do not risk our asses
on inter-dimensional travel.
93
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,359
We leave them at home.
94
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,719
Expect our arrival
in five glip-glerps.
95
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,239
Make it six glip-glerps.
I need to take a nap.
96
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,879
Now, does this thing
have auto-massage?
97
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,280
Yeah!
98
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:39,160
Wow, even we didn't know
it did that.
99
00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:42,159
See you, Donkey!
100
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,799
Alec!
I thought we changed the locks?
101
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:45,999
I bit through them.
102
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,079
As the true voice
of Scottish independence,
103
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,559
I'm here to tell you time's up.
104
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,159
But I'm loved
by the Scottish people!
105
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,079
WINDOW SMASHES,
THUMP
106
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,959
See? More fan mail!
107
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:56,999
GASPS
108
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,999
Er... maybe I have had a good run.
109
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,479
But who could be my successor?
110
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,439
What about me?
I'm not just a pretty face.
111
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,479
Who wants a sleepy cuddle?
112
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,919
Hnh!
Och!
113
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,359
No, I want to hand over to a female.
114
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,919
Thanks to your legislation,
I can now self-identify as a woman.
115
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,959
Er... well, I think we need
someone younger.
116
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,279
SUCKS TEETH
I look peng, G!
117
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,599
OK, I'll be honest.
We need someone Scottish
118
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,199
who can tell appalling lies
with a straight face.
119
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,959
My ears are burning!
120
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,959
Not you!
Argh!
121
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:32,199
No. Our candidate has to be able
to handle being in hot water,
122
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,999
a thick skin, and be Scottish
through and through...
123
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,399
Sounds like you need a haggis!
124
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,079
I think you'll find
that, unlike that guy,
125
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,679
I'm a far more palatable
bag of guts.
126
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,160
Hmm...
127
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,559
Oh, don't do that. Argh!
128
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,919
Alec! You've sabotaged independence
again by eating our new leader!
129
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,640
BELCHES
130
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,839
President Biden,
we came here to meet humanity.
131
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,279
Is this your
supreme planetary congress?
132
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,879
If you wanna meet
Sammy Six-Pack and Sarah Side Salad,
133
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,719
you go to a local eatery.
134
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,719
Joe-creature,
we wish to offer you
135
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,399
the blessings
of our advanced civilisation.
136
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,479
What can you offer in exchange?
137
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,559
Um, we got...
138
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,639
Hmm. Amtrak.
139
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,919
Uh... sand.
140
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,119
Three Dakotas:
North, South, and Fanning.
141
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,719
Hard pass.
142
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,959
If you have nothing to offer us,
143
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,879
we will take our technology
to Planet Dagon.
144
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,439
Well, as long as it ain't China.
145
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,399
They've already stolen it.
146
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,639
All right, let's split up the bill.
147
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:40,639
Which one of you daredevils chowed
down 50 triple-battered taco locos?
148
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,079
It was Zolaprax the All-Eating.
149
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,639
Oh, buddy, you're gonna be
a little gassy tonight.
150
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,919
I already am.
HISSES
151
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:51,999
Piers Morgan here.
152
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:56,039
I want to join Britain
in congratulating Emma Raducanu...
153
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,439
for listening to me!
154
00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,759
When she threw in the towel
at Wimbledon, like a snowflake,
155
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,039
I said to her, "Loser! Toughen up!"
156
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,239
Which is exactly what she did
at the US Open.
157
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,079
So her victory is all thanks to me,
Piers Morgan.
158
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,839
British tennis, you are welcome!
159
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,399
Ooh!
160
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,759
Still, advantage Morgan.
161
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:19,880
GRUNTS
162
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,039
OK, folks, my space buddies
and I have a deal
163
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,599
to solve all the world's problems.
164
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,039
All we need is a buy-in
165
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,399
from Congresswomen Pelosi
and AOC on the left,
166
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,439
and Senator Mitch McConnell
on the right.
167
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,039
Let's hear what these aliens
have to say.
168
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,239
Excuse me, it's inappropriate
to call them aliens.
169
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,919
I suggest "Pre-Documented
Non-Terrestrial Dream-Creatures."
170
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,959
We bring you the technology
to cure all disease.
171
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,319
That sounds like
free universal health care!
172
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:56,359
Socialism!
173
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,599
We know how to eliminate
economic inequities
174
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,879
and racial disharmony.
175
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,039
Then we'll have nothing to run on!
176
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,999
We can end your climate crisis
with clean energy.
177
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,959
That'd be a Democrat win.
178
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,079
With our advanced civilisation,
179
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,719
you won't need
Democrats or Republicans.
180
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,199
Or government at all.
181
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,039
ALL: No government? Are you crazy?
182
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,599
Ugh! It just gets worse and worse.
183
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,599
This planet is ridiculous.
184
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,079
We will find someone else
who can negotiate a deal.
185
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,839
Activate matter transporter!
186
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,839
By which we mean walking.
187
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,599
MCCONNELL: That was a close call.
188
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,960
We almost solved
the country's problems.
189
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,799
Oh, hi, it's me, Rudy Giuliani.
190
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,519
Thanks for paying 400 bucks
to do this Cameo call,
191
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,559
so I can...
CLEARS THROAT
192
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,919
..wish happy birthday to your mom.
193
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,639
You know, I was Mayor of New York
on September 11th.
194
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,639
In fact,
Queen Elizabeth once told me...
195
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,919
BAD IMPRESSION OF QUEEN: "Oh, Mayor
Rudy, you're so strong and handsome.
196
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,359
"I dub you Sir Sexy of Awesome.
197
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,399
"I love your dark, youthful hair.
198
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,159
"Ooh!"
199
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,840
Whoa, that got me hot.
200
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,480
Anyway, happy birthday to, uh...
201
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,840
Oh, Jesus, I can't read this.
202
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,439
All right,
I need that 400 bucks yesterday!
203
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,079
And I'm not disbarred!
204
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,119
PHONE RINGS
205
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,879
Uh-oh, that's my butt phone,
I better take this.
206
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,600
FARTS
207
00:09:30,151 --> 00:09:33,919
So, I'll pick you up later, Greta,
yeah?
208
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,759
And we can watch Ross Kemp's
Ultimate Bastards on BritBox.
209
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,119
But, Lee,
I'm going to university now,
210
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,199
so I'm breaking up with you.
And you're moving on too.
211
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,639
How's that, then?
212
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:49,319
Well, now you are doing plastering
as well as roofing.
213
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:54,159
You are going from outside people's
houses to inside their houses.
214
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,999
I suppose I'll be warmer.
And a bit nearer the kettle.
215
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,439
Besides, you'd be bored watching me
giving inspiring speeches,
216
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,639
doing selfies and arguing
over who used all the oat milk.
217
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,759
SNIFFS
218
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,159
All right, Greta.
I'll never forget you.
219
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,719
I've kept the sign we made
for that climate change rally.
220
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,799
And I have kept the sign we made
for West Ham versus Man U.
221
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,640
SNIFFS
Yeah, it's a good one, that.
222
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,199
Madame Patel, let us come
to an entente cordiale
223
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,359
about zese immigrants crossing
ze Channel in zeir little boats.
224
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,719
I've got an entente for you, Macron,
you garlic-stinkin' frog.
225
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,759
You keep 'em.
226
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,039
You are unusually diplomatic today.
227
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,599
You should take zese immigrants.
Zey seek a better life in Britain,
228
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,839
ze land of Shakespeare
and Joe Wicks.
229
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,919
Burpees!
Not now, Joe Wicks!
230
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,360
JOE WAILS,
THUMP
231
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,039
If you love migrants so much,
why don't you keep 'em,
232
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,959
you horse-eatin' weirdo?
233
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,959
I know you have a softer side.
234
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,919
Perhaps I could butter it.
235
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,239
SLURPS
236
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:05,159
Urgh! Put that thing away,
you pantin' Parisian perv.
237
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,959
You tell 'im, darling.
You've taken back control.
238
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,839
And by the way, Marcel,
these are chips, not French fries!
239
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,839
And stop slagging off
our British vaccines,
240
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,319
you granny-shagger!
241
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,159
Enough blather
from your seaside cuisine!
242
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:24,799
Stop turning boats back, or zere
will be an international incident!
243
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,959
Fine.
244
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,970
The next person I send across
the Channel won't be a migrant.
245
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,159
Ketchup!
Ze enemy of fine cuisine!
246
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,000
Urgh!
SPLASH
247
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,599
Yeah! Go on!
Get lost. Bugger off!
248
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,359
Yeah, back to Frogland!
249
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,160
ANNOUNCER:
250
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,239
Hi, I'm Josh,
I'm captain of the lacrosse team.
251
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,479
I am Greta...
FEEDBACK
252
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,799
..the spokesperson
for our generation.
253
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,959
Oh, I thought she was.
254
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,839
Greta Thunberg.
Malala!
255
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,639
I think you'll find I am
the spokesperson for our generation.
256
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,199
We don't need another,
257
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,799
particularly one who wears her hair
in such kiddy pigtails.
258
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,359
Right, guys?
259
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,479
LAUGHTER
GASPING: No!
260
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,199
LAUGHTER REVERBERATES
261
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,999
I think you're forgetting something.
THEY GASP
262
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,279
Greta won the 2019
Ambassador of Conscience Award.
263
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:21,759
THEY GASP
Wow! Oh, wow!
264
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,039
Oh, no, I'm such a loser.
I only got this...
265
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,719
GRETA GASPS
..Nobel Peace Prize.
266
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,799
CHEERING
267
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,679
You'll never win, Greta.
268
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,119
GRETA SOBS
269
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,279
Come on, Greta, let's get you home.
You can make me tea if you like.
270
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,679
I quite fancy tofu and chips.
271
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:43,359
You're right, Lee, I should
never have come away to uni.
272
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,919
I was so much happier
273
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,639
watching Danny Dyer's
Ultimate Bollock-Kicks with you.
274
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,679
DOOR OPENS
Sorry I'm late, everybods!
275
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,039
This is politics and economics,
right?
276
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:54,399
BOTH GASP
BOTH: Harry Styles?!
277
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,839
I want to get stuck into
something really serious
278
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,439
after my gap career
in One Direction.
279
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:01,399
Maybe I will stay a little longer.
280
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,240
What?!
GRANGE HILL STYLE MUSIC
281
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,879
Donald Trump, you are
the true leader of this country,
282
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,399
according to Rudy Giuliani
and the My Pillow guy.
283
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:19,479
We offer you the chance to end
homelessness, hunger, and war.
284
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,759
Boring!
Talk to me about important problems.
285
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,399
Can you make a voting machine
that always makes me the winner?
286
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,079
This is ridiculous.
Let us return to our home world.
287
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:34,599
Yes, I long for its green rolling
hills and abundant water views.
288
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,439
Sounds like the perfect place
for a golf resort,
289
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,559
and I'd be a great ruler
for your planet.
290
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,639
We could definitely use
some tourist business.
291
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,680
OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC
292
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,999
Your Highness,
you have bankrupted our planet
293
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,999
with the wall you've built
around it.
294
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,839
Uh-oh! I'm gonna need a distraction.
295
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,559
Have you guys invented Twitter yet?
296
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,159
Yes, but you've been banned from it.
297
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,399
ZAP
Oh!
298
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,279
Bring me another space chalupa.
299
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,079
GRUNTS ROBOTICALLY
300
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,519
DAVID LAUGHS,
ELTON HUMS
301
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,279
What did you think of my script,
Elton?
302
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,119
You and me doing the garden,
303
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,959
you and me
going to a school parents evening,
304
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,359
you and me separating the rubbish
305
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,519
and taking it down
to the recycling centre...
306
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,319
DAVID YELPS
I hate it!
307
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,999
It's completely bloody boring!
308
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,799
But that's our life, that's what
happened after Rocketman 1.
309
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,959
The second-act climax is me falling
asleep in front of the telly!
310
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,839
DAVID GIGGLES
Oh, that was so funny!
311
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:33,119
You dribbled.
No, it wasn't.
312
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,399
It's not my fault
I can't keep my mouth closed.
313
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,599
You know I suffer from fat tongue.
314
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,719
Oh, I love you and the life we have
together... Blah, blah, blah.
315
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,639
It's just,
if we're going to do a sequel,
316
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,959
we'll need to jazz it up
for the audience. Just a bit!
317
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,999
But it'll still have
emotional truth?
318
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,039
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
319
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,519
Then we better go and do
some research, jazz up our lives.
320
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,279
How about going to a party
321
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,879
over at Megan Fox
and Machine Gun Kelly's place?
322
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,520
Have you booked a cab?
HE CHORTLES
323
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,439
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here at the CERN institute,
324
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,239
the Large Hadron Collider
smashes protons together
325
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,199
at close to the speed of light
326
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,599
to find the very building blocks
of life.
327
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:13,839
And here they are.
328
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,079
Oh, hello. Gosh, only me.
329
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:21,119
Olivia Colman, what are you doing
inside subatomic particles?
330
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,639
Oh, I'm in everything!
SHE SNORTS
331
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:24,919
She's right, you know.
332
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,839
THEY SNORT
333
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,440
Absolutely everything.
334
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,879
What a fab night!
I haven't had so much fun in ages.
335
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,759
It was horrible.
All that loud music...
336
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,359
I liked the music,
and Machine Gun was such a cutie.
337
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,679
No, he wasn't!
338
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,519
When I asked him who his favourite
Gardeners' World presenter is,
339
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:45,959
he just walked off!
340
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,439
So, this morning,
341
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,919
shall we look at houses near schools
with outstanding Ofsted ratings?
342
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,039
Now you're talking.
343
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,719
And we should check out
those fabric swatches you had. Ooh!
344
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,159
THEY GIGGLE
345
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,920
ROCK PIANO PLAYS
346
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,079
Elton, I've been meaning
to talk to you
347
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:02,959
about how to stack the dishwasher.
348
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,919
I'm still stacking
Like the way I always did...
349
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,639
Mm, mm, mm...
350
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,919
Ooh, tricky.
351
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,239
I swear these IQ tests
are getting harder.
352
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,719
Prime Minister, I ordered
a monogrammed Taser three weeks ago,
353
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,679
and it still hasn't come.
Hang on!
354
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,879
And my toffee apples never arrived!
355
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,959
The ones I brush my hair with.
356
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,999
Nothin' is being delivered
357
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,439
because Britain is short
100,000 truck drivers.
358
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,759
It's a right royal spiff-spaff.
359
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:33,679
I'll drive your damn truck.
360
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,079
I'll deliver your draught excluders
to Grimsby,
361
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,039
your mild Cheddar to Wigan,
362
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,479
and your IKEA Billy bookcases to
every goddamn home in this country!
363
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,799
That's jolly good of you, Tom,
but why?
364
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,679
Because of my best friend, Goose.
365
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,559
I was expecting a package
and it wasn't delivered,
366
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,839
so I had to go to the post office
to pick it up.
367
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,159
And while I was gone, Goose got
ejected from a cockpit and killed.
368
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,839
I think that was actually a movie.
369
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,079
Damn it,
I know when something's real!
370
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,919
I'm a Scientologist!
371
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,360
DRAMATIC MUSIC
372
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,159
CAR HORNS BLARE
373
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,359
I got this! M6 to Coventry!
374
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,399
Nuneaton roundabout!
375
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,519
Left... Stay left!
376
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,240
TYRES SCREECH,
CRASH
377
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,920
I'm sorry, Goose!
378
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,559
Thank you for coming, Marcus.
Isotonic energy drink?
379
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:32,079
Red Wall... gives you left wings.
Thanks.
380
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,959
Oh, my Red Wall
seems to have turned blue.
381
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,759
Anyway, our focus groups
have suggested
382
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,999
that I have a tendency towards
verbosity
383
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,159
that can render my communication
unintentionally opaque.
384
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,799
You mean you talk too much?
385
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,079
That is not
insubstantially incorrect.
386
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,239
Whereas you, Marcus,
have a refreshing brevity,
387
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,719
a resplendent pithiness that I...
SNORING
388
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,319
Marcus?
Man on!
389
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,199
Sorry. So, I wonder
if you would mind telling me
390
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:03,239
how you would present a policy idea
about tackling child hunger.
391
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,799
Feed the hungry kids?
392
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,279
It's simple, it's clear,
393
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,959
it obeys the rules
of Aristotelian oratory.
394
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,399
I'll try it!
395
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,679
And with the help of my friend
Marcus Rashford here,
396
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,359
I present our new campaign.
397
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,200
HE READS NAME
398
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,399
..to benefit their sustenance
and growth...
399
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,040
CONTINUES READING
400
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,279
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
401
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,879
Nailed, eh, Marcus?
MARCUS SNORES
402
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,280
Offside!
403
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,119
Look, Noah!
404
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,839
Our vintage, locally-sourced
board game has arrived!
405
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,759
DANCE MUSIC,
GOVE GRUNTS IN TIME WITH BEAT
406
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,279
Freshers, freshers, what is go on?
407
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:50,399
Who are you?
408
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,719
I'm Michael Gove, but you can
call me the Minister of Sound.
409
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,679
HE GRUNTS TO BEAT
410
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,879
Sir, do you need medical help?
411
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,639
No, I'm bringing the good news.
412
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,719
We got rid of vaccine passports.
413
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,199
You don't need them
to get into nightclubs any more.
414
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,519
What's a nightclub?
What's a nightclub?!
415
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:13,279
It's a place for recently-single men
to dance and find connections.
416
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,359
HE GRUNTS
417
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:15,919
Yeah, I think we'll stay in
418
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,279
and play a gender-neutral,
non-competitive board game.
419
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,079
Erm, Humane Mouse Trap!
420
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,760
Well, whatever young people do,
I'm in.
421
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,719
Yay, we caught the mouse -
as a team!
422
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,919
I thought Mouse Trap
was slang for drugs.
423
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,150
MUSIC RESUMES,
HE MUMBLES DISCONTENTEDLY
424
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,639
Now, listen, I think apologising
is the right thing for you to do,
425
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,199
given the circumstances.
426
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,239
Elements of the public are upset,
and we have to be alive to that.
427
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,599
Can't blame me, I'm just a football!
428
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,239
Yes, but you didn't go in the net,
429
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,359
and you've got to
take responsibility for that.
430
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,639
I said sorry for missing a penalty,
and the country's forgiven me.
431
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,719
Apart from a small
misguided minority on Twitter
432
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,279
who like to call me
a big-nosed twat.
433
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,519
OK, OK, I'll apologise.
434
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,959
Good. You've got a shot
at the World Cup,
435
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,879
you don't want to be cancelled.
436
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,479
But you'll have to write it for me.
437
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,599
Er, why?
Haven't got any hands!
438
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,999
Glad to help.
439
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,799
Now, you need to apologise
440
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,079
for getting in the way
of Rashford's penalty kick.
441
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,200
Oh, bugger off, you big-nosed twat!
442
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,399
Kia Ora, good people of New Zealand.
443
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,719
We have had another single case
of the deadly COVID,
444
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:28,799
so Nanny has no choice
but to impose a full lockdown.
445
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,359
But, Prime Minister Ardern,
446
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,839
New Zealand can't keep doing this
forever!
447
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,919
You must learn to be strong,
my child.
448
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,119
BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
449
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:43,479
Close every border
450
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:47,719
Lock every door
451
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:53,279
Shut every airport
452
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,639
A guard on every shore
453
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:02,999
No more interaction
454
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:07,599
Stay off the street
455
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:12,359
Hide inside your basement
456
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:16,999
Staring at your feet
457
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:23,239
New Zealand is going to
Stay COVID-free
458
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,639
And all because of
459
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:30,920
Wonderful, sensible me
460
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:37,959
If you get COVID
461
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,839
Into a bag you'll go
462
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:48,319
No-one gets in the country
463
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:55,320
Unless it's Jeff Bezos.
464
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,559
Good evening, I'm Prince Andrew.
465
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,159
The producers of Spitting Image
have invited me
466
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,319
to address the so-called court case
in New York.
467
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,239
I would have been perfectly happy
to cooperate there,
468
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,799
but I was not served the papers
in the correct legal fashion.
469
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,559
If protocol is not followed,
470
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,239
then the law says
I have no charge to answer
471
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,359
and I should not be hit
with a piece of wood.
472
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,199
SICKENING THUD,
ANDREW GROANS
473
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,879
Oh-oh-oh-oh
474
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,319
Oh-oh-oh-oh
475
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,479
Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
476
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,199
Oh-oh-oh-oh
477
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,959
Ah-ah-ah-ah
478
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,359
Ah-ah-ah-ah
479
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,679
Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
480
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,199
Oh-ah!
481
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,240
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482
00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:51,840
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