All language subtitles for Spitting Image s01e10.eng

Sorry to be a Cecil Spoilsport,

but we can't ignore this
bullying report any longer.

Apparently it's a bit
malum prohibitum.

I got that Latin
from Legally Blonde.

I really like that film.

Shut up, you worthless
tae-kwon-dickhead.

Who are they calling a bully?
I'm afraid it's you, Pritster.

That's ridiculous. Does anyone here
think I'm a bully?

Hey, this is my safe space.

Get out from behind there,
you snivelling worms.

And as for you, you foreign
succulent, you're deported.

GLASS SMASHING
My best friend! Barnaby!

SMASHING

Barnaby's fucked.

I'm not reading any signs of proper
bullying like we had at Eton.

Pritster, did you use your
private secretary's naked buttocks

as a toast rack?
No.

Did you whack anyone's willy
with a whiff-whaff wacquet?

I didn't understand one word
of that.

Then we've got nothing
to worry about.

Unless... Good Lord, you didn't make
Sir Philip eat the soggy biscuit?

No.
Well, then, case closed.

Still, you should probably
say something

that sounds like an apology.

I regret it if you weaklings
found my directness

and dedication difficult to handle.

You ripped my heart out of my body.

It was unintentional.

There we are, harmless banter.

Hey, everyone,
let's all banter Hancock.

HE WHIMPERS

SHE LAUGHS

I'm part of the gang.

Mr President, it's time
for the pardoning ceremony.

Good idea. I made a short list
of things to pardon myself for.

No, I meant the Thanksgiving turkey.

Gotcha. I'm gonna pardon it so good,
it's gonna be beautiful.

TURKEY GOBBLES

Howdy doody, Mr President.

A talking turkey, huh?
College educated.

Let's cut to the chase.

If I pardon you,
what do I get in return?

Well, how about we pardon
each other?

You stay out of jail at Mar-a-Lago,

I get a new identity
as a Canada goose.

Pardoned by a turkey, sounds legit.

But I should check
with my favourite mayor.

Rudy Giuliani?

I may be negotiating with a turkey,
but I'm not crazy.

I meant Mayor Cheeseburger.

Last time I gave you advice,
you ate me.

It's your fault for being delicious.

You want a deal? How about this,

the turkey and me team up
as the Republican ticket in 2024?

A burger and a turkey?

I'd never beat that,
I won't allow it.

In that case, we're eating you!

TURKEY GOBBLES

Cut it out! You win!

As long as I'm not hallucinating
all of this, we've just conceded.

Turkey, Mr Mayor,
happy Thanksgiving.

TURKEY SQUEALS

Huh.

Once again, press gets it right.

Brad Pitt! O-M-fuzzypants-G!

Harry Styles, I like your... dress?

Hey, I'm a badass
mother rock star, OK?

This isn't a dress, it's a muumuu.
It's Hawaiian.

So's my pizza, but I wouldn't
wear it with pearls.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm not a badass at all.

David Attenborough said
he'd kick me head in last week

and it got a million likes.

Jesus Christ.

That's why I came to see you.

I want everyone to know I'm hard.

You're the most macho guy
in the world.

Please produce my next music video.

You're on.
I'll put some hair on your chest.

Chest hair, what's that?

Huh! You're like
a gorilla's grandpa.

I trim it for my topless shots.

Now, let's make a video
Guns N' Roses would be proud of.

Watermelon sauce is fine
Yummy like a glass of wine

Yummy yummy yummy yum

Tummy tummy tummy tum.

Oh! I look like Jason Statham!

What happened?

I gave you a guitar to smash and
you swapped it for shooting bubbles.

I popped one, that's macho.

Let's try again.

Watermelon sauce is great

Spit the seeds on your plate...

Huh, putting in some Brad action
usually does the trick.

You broke my twirly.

Maybe you're not the right man
for the job.

Wait, wait, wait, I got it.

Let's go up against the elements.

You alone...

the raging sea... a mythical beast.

Watermelon sauce so yum

Makes me tingly in my tum.

You nailed it, Brad.
I did?

You can see my ink, my tats.

Nothing says macho like
a tummy tattoo of a butterfly.

Oh!

Watermelon sauce is fine.

Hi, it's everyone's
favourite Rishi,

Rishi with the budget announcement.

In a UK government first,
I'm accompanied by an interpreter

for the politically deaf.

We have been borrowing,
but there's no need for concern.

The outlook for growth is positive.

Your jobs are safe, your homes
are safe, your savings are safe.

GLUGGING

And you will have food
on your table.

We're turning the corner
and the future looks bright.

Dad, it's me, Taylor.

I'm home for the holidays

on our family Christmas tree farm
that I grew up on.

True thing. Check Wikipedia.

I just love the snow and the trees
and our little tree elves.

They're called migrant workers,
Taylor.

Shoo! Shoo!
Come on, come on.

People say I'm a fake

because I'm always late
jumping on social bandwagons,

but here, I'm as real
as my unicorn frappuccino.

SHE SLURPS

Well, enjoy the farm while you can
cos it's going out of business.

What?!

Damn it, Bubba Scott, never tell her
bad news when she's frappin'!

No-one's buying trees.

Thanks to the damn elitist liberati
that declared war on Christmas.

Careful, Dad,
I'm an inclusive liberal

since it tested well
in my demographics.

Look!
'My fellow Americans,

'everyone knows I'm the greatest man
that ever walked the Earth.

'Now it's time to put up a monument
to number two, little baby Jesus.

'I will pay $10 million

'for the biggest White House
Christmas tree ever

'but it has to be huge, really huge,
huger than my...'

OK, we know.
That's it.

Dad, what's our tallest tree?

An Ol' General Hancock,
cranky Scotch pine.

But he's not "huge".

We have four weeks,

enough time to grow General Hancock
tall enough and save the farm.

It'll be a Christmas miracle.

Shoo! Come on, get out of here.

Well, that steak was delicious.

Now, what to have for dessert.

You should have the steak.
I just got a steak.

So, clearly, you like it.

So I recommend you reorder it.

People who buy steak also buy bacon,

phone chargers
and lawn fertiliser.

This is weird.
I'm sorry.

I'm tense because...

OK, will you marry me?

Oh!

It's a sapphire! My favourite.

And it fits perfectly.

I had Alexa scan your body

then cross-reference our database
of four billion customers

to match size, weight
and stone preference.

You had Alexa scan my body?
Breasts first.

That is creepy and invasive.

Creepy and invasive
is how I make people happy.

Well... it is a nice ring

and you are the richest man
on Earth.

OK, back to dessert.

You should get the bran muffin.
You're constipated.

How do you know that?

Alexa smells your farts.

Folks, the presidential transition
is finally underway.

I picked my Secretary of State,
my Secretary of the Treasury...

Adele, are you singing
at the inauguration?

Ha! No, mate.
I'm the Secretary of Defence.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's gonna shake 'em up in Iran.

It's great to have a responsible,
law-abiding President in office.

Can I give you a tip? You can't
go wrong with drone strikes.

Zip, boom, bang, no questions asked.

Could you write that down for me?

I already did...

in A Promised Land,
about an administration

where character and integrity
really counted.

$45 in finer book stores.
Who wants an autographed copy?

I'm cool. I said, who wants
my support in the next election?

I'll take a copy.

50 bucks, $5 shipping.

Whoa, whoa!

Save it for the Taliban, Adele.

Now to make the toughest choice
of all,

one that will impact all Americans
every single day.

Attorney General?

The new host of Jeopardy.

Ooh, yikes.
Whoa!

What is "glad I'm not president"?

Now, who's ready to pre-order
Volume Two?

Er... OK.
Yeah.

Good Old General Hancock.

I grew up playing on your branches.

Here's something to help you grow,

hush puppies and magnolia tea.

Very Nashville considering you
actually grew up in Philadelphia.

Yes, but market research shows

that people prefer
my fake Southern roots.

Taylor, this tree
already growed a foot

or I'm in short skirts.

But you can't stop now.

I hear even foreigners are trying

to win this Christmas tree contest.

Once I produce the world's
biggest Christmas tree,

the world will finally stop saying
I look like Pooh Bear.

Oh, bother.

How is our giant
Christmas tree coming?

Did you inject it
with tree growth hormone?

We got mixed up and injected it
with human growth hormone.

What did you do with
the tree growth hormone?

We gave it to our
Olympic swimming team.

Goodbye, Lee,
off to my college courses.

Oh, right, er... see you later.

Lee, when will you be
going back to work?

I don't know if I will.

I mean, obviously I want to,

but I'll probably just
work from home.

You're a roofer.

Yeah, but it's amazing what
you can do on all these video calls.

I mean, it's not like I'm planning
to lie on the sofa

watching The Dam Busters
on Channel 5 at five past two.

That's very reassuring.

Yeah, and being at home's better
for the environment.

Think of all the emissions
from my van.

If I'm here watching
The Dam Busters,

I mean, working from home,
there's none of that.

Oh, that's a very good point.

I will stay home too.
What?

Instead of taking a bus,
I can do my lessons on Zoom.

Then we can both help
the environment

and we can have lunch together

and worry about
the melting ice caps.

Lovely.

Your tea, sir. Extra weak.

A quiet night?

HE SNIFFS
No, Aneurin.

With the heightened senses
of the Fox, I smell trouble.

Or possibly some spoilt cat food.

Either way, Foxman is on the prowl.

I'll brush up the fox tail.

Batman watches over Gotham
from the bat's high perch,

I shall guard London
from the Fox's lair.

FOX YOWLS

ALARM RINGS

This robbery is over.

Oh, my God, it's my fiscally
irresponsible nemesis, The Borrower.

Foxman!

You have contravened Section 81
of the 1968 Theft Act.

Hand over the money, Borrower.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do,
hand it out...

for the next furlough.

You see, we're very alike,
you and I.

You mean, we both have nice,
thick heads of hair?

And we both want to help
the common man.

I see.

Are you sure this money isn't
going on a crowd-pleasing boost

to defence spending?

Well, obviously we have
to take national security

into consideration.

I knew it!

Your days of running up
an eye-watering deficit are over.

With these handcuffs,

which I use under
the reasonable force guidelines,

as set out in
the Police Act of 1972,

I will see that you...

Oh.

Oh. You are a cunning foe, Borrower.

But I will track you down.

If not tonight, then during
regular Parliamentary Question Time.

Foxman is bold, but he reckons
without his true enemy...

The Joke.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

MENACING LAUGHTER

You know you've got stuff
all over your face, right?

Yes, I fell into my pudding.

Yumminess maximus.

I hate this film, The Dam Busters.

They are destroying
hydroelectric facilities

that produce clean,
emission-free power.

Yeah, you said.
Shall we just watch it?

And there is exactly one woman.

Actually, I think I will
go back to work.

Oh, no, you will stay here
and take notes

and then we will go picket
the producer's house.

You know what, Greta?
What?

You're amazing.

Why, if it isn't some practically
perfect billionaires.

And Richard Branson.

We realised that New Zealand
is the safest place on Earth.

And it's easier to get to than Mars.

Just.

I'll buy the North Island.

I'll buy the South Island.

I'll buy whatever is in between.

Well, we're happy to have you
for the holidays

as long as you sing.

It's a jolly Christmas
with Jacinda

New Zealand is so very far away

We aren't very fond of immigration

But if you've got a billion
You can stay

Everybody here is really happy

Everybody does as they are told

It's a jolly Christmas
With Jacinda

It's summer
But it's really fucking cold.

But, Jacinda, Elon Musk tested
positive for coronavirus.

We can't have anyone
complaining about that.

Once upon a time,

a mother and her son lived
on a farm in the country.

Jack, what happened to our cow?

I set her free, Mother.
I've decided I'm vegan.

Oh, but what will I eat?

I need healthy red meat
for my anaemia.

I've got soy beans.

They'll supply all the protein
and nutrients you need.

It's practically magic.

Oh! Oh, no!

Jack was right,
those beans were magic

and they grew a giant beanstalk

right to a foreign country
full of giants.

Fee-fi-fo funtry,

I'm going to live in your country.

Jack, get my shotgun!

I gave that away too.
I'm opposed to self-protection.

GIANT GROWLS

Don't let anyone take away
your beef and guns!

Movie celebrities,
we need your help.

This year,
the Oscars have a problem.

No Black film makers?

No vagina film makers. Vagina.

Worse, no movies.

Well, there was one movie - Tenet.

Yeah, but nobody made it to the end.

Hey, this is an opportunity.

Why not throw the Oscars open
to anything.

Any video shot by a celebrity.

I like it.
Genius.

Or you could just admit

that the Oscars are a giant hypefest
that nobody cares about

and cancel them.

Kevin, what did I say
about being negative?

Don't you put me in a cooler!

No!

MUFFLED SHOUTS

I don't know how, Taylor,
but you did it.

General Hancock is big enough
to win the Christmas tree contest.

You ready to murder a tree,
Dick Chainy?!

Ha-ha!

It's time to cut him down?

Oh! I never thought this day
would come.

I kind of fell in love with him.

Oh, sweetie,
you got a tender heart.

Grab some goggles,
it's gonna be flying tree guts!

CHAINSAW STARTS
Can I have a moment to say goodbye?

Well, sure, but tick-tock.

Lost little girl
Taking her chances

Searching for roots
Got caught in your branches

I packed my trunk
Went out on a limb

Now I must give you
The ultimate trim

Christmas trim

I wanna be strong
Don't wanna be sappy

But your car freshener smell
Makes me so happy

When you needle me
You're all bark and no bite

And now I must say
Woo-oo-oo

The final good...
Woo-oo-oo

Oh, God, just fucking kill me
already.

What?
I hate your terrible music.

Oh, hell no!

CHAINSAW STARTS

Hurry, I can still hear it
in my brain.

The prize for biggest tree goes
to Taylor Swift

who, by the way,
is a big loser who hates me.

I saved the farm and learned
a wonderful Christmas lesson.

If someone disses you,
slice him through the brain

and write a hella good song.

If the tree is gonna throw
Shade, shade, shade, shade

I'm just gonna
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut

Cut it down
Cut it down.

I'm dead and it still hurts!

Ha-ha! That'll be my new wig.

Fantastic.
Leave it there and fuck off.

Elton.
Shut up, David!

You can put the VAT return forward
into the next quarter...

Colin?

Colin? You've frozen, mate.

Double-O sod it!

And so the dark night continues

with no sign of activity

on the security camera
in my back garden.

Wait, it looks like possibly
a cat or fox.

No, it's nothing.

Will something fucking happen!

Kim, I dropped my damn phone
down the toilet.

And the Oscar goes to...

Oh, vagina.

..Tenet.

And now, a moment of silence
for James Corden.

Oh, amazing.

APPLAUSE
What an honour!

So touching. Amazing!

GUNSHOT

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, we got 15 minutes
to clear out the White House

before Biden moves in.

Take anything
that's not nailed down.

This copper will fetch a pretty
penny at the Chinese market.

Mr President, the used car dealer,
you have a car for sale?

Right, the presidential limo.

She's a sweet ride.

$1,500?

Make it $1,200.
That's called "the art of the deal".

Biden's on his way.

All right, everybody out.

Hee-hee! I've left a surprise
for little old Joe,

some smart, very smart,
stable genius booby traps.

It's been an honour
serving you, sir.

I'm the best thing that
ever happened to you, baby.

Crap, I still need to leave
my presidential goodbye letter.

I wrote it in stink ink.

Ooh! My booby trap!

RUMBLING

Hey, I paid for four!

I gotta get out of here.

CRACKLING AND HISSING

HAIR GROWLS

I hope you like purple nurples,
Biden.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! It's me, you idiot!

Well, at least that was
the last one.

Hello. Anyone home?

Help, I'm trapped in a bucket!

I've been there.
Help!

Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.

The producers of Spitting Image
have asked me down to the studios

so they can personally apologise

for any mistreatment I received
at the hands of the show.

And they jolly well should.

"Sorry..." they said

"..for what happened in episodes
one, five, seven and, of course,

"for the very last moment
of the series."

Last moment of the series?
What can that mean?

Ooh!

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