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1
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,695
Well, we finished the errands, Mom.
2
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:33,535
It's such a treat driving Dad's Dodge.
The noise, the rust...
3
00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:37,568
...the thrill of watching the open road
through the open floorboard.
4
00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:42,336
We got everything you wanted from
the store: bourbon-flavored bonbons...
5
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,377
...romance novels...
6
00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:47,369
...Kenny G CD.
7
00:01:48,220 --> 00:01:51,257
You and Dad are gonna have
quite a time tonight, huh?
8
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:53,496
Batteries.
9
00:01:58,420 --> 00:02:01,298
You know, it seems like there's
something we forgot to do today.
10
00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:16,170
I guess my cries this morning
of "if you use the car...
11
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:20,299
...please, I beg you, pick me up
from work" was a little vague.
12
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,573
Al, would you shut up?
13
00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:25,732
We're trying to remember
what we forgot to do.
14
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,614
How did I get home, you ask?
15
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:32,170
Not having correct change
for public transportation...
16
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,570
...nor the bills to get
correct change...
17
00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:37,937
...nor the job to get the bills
to get correct change...
18
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:42,935
...I got a ride from two fine gentlemen
who drive the road-kill truck.
19
00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,532
How was your day, Peg?
20
00:02:45,780 --> 00:02:48,977
Anything interesting happen
on the couch?
21
00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:51,051
- Well, actually--
- I don't care.
22
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:56,616
Give me my car key.
23
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:01,778
Last time you get to use the Dodge!
24
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:08,012
- How will I get to school?
- Yeah, Dad. How will I get to work?
25
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:13,698
How will I get to the store to buy the
double issue of the National Enquirer?
26
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,212
And food and groceries.
27
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,458
Dad, why don't you just get us a car?
28
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:24,249
Jeez, Louise,
why didn't I think of that?
29
00:03:24,980 --> 00:03:27,448
New cars for everybody!
30
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:31,653
Peg, would you like a BMW?
31
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,495
I kind of see myself in a Jaguar.
32
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:38,371
If only we could find one that hungry.
33
00:03:43,660 --> 00:03:47,369
Well, I have $400 saved from work.
I'll get a car myself.
34
00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:50,578
Hey, wait a second.
I have $400 saved too.
35
00:03:50,820 --> 00:03:54,051
We can pool our money
and share a car twice as nice.
36
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:58,578
- Yeah. Not like Dad's piece of--
- Children!
37
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,334
Oh, what the hell... Wolfen.
38
00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:06,852
Let me tell you something about
sharing. It can only come to trouble.
39
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:11,019
Your mother and I shared a bed,
and nothing good came out of it.
40
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:16,213
Well, maybe that's because
nothing good went into it.
41
00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:22,334
It doesn't matter. You've only got $800.
42
00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:24,650
And $800 can't buy you a car.
43
00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:34,731
- Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy.
- Well...
44
00:04:34,980 --> 00:04:37,448
...it could buy you a nice car.
45
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,094
You know where we can
get a car for $800?
46
00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:45,538
Car auctions. You know, where they
sell cars seized by federal agencies.
47
00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:48,499
True. They may not be
in the best of shape.
48
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:51,494
Bullet holes, blood stains...
49
00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:54,459
...the smell of rotting bodies.
50
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:58,170
But then you don't seem to mind
riding in the Dodge.
51
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:02,099
There are no bullet holes in my Dodge.
52
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:07,012
But that can be changed if
you're willing to crawl into the trunk.
53
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:12,455
- Dad, take us to the auction. Please.
- We'll share.
54
00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:19,019
How'd the auction go?
55
00:05:19,380 --> 00:05:23,339
Do not touch the car. We don't know
where your hands have been.
56
00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:26,492
Then you better not sit in it!
57
00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:34,097
Fine.
58
00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:37,213
As you can tell, the kids purchased
a car. And as you can see...
59
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:40,418
...all my fears about them sharing
were unfounded.
60
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,536
I warned you!
61
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:51,615
But on the good side, I got them
to knock off another $100 on the car.
62
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:55,091
Why pay for seat belts
if you don't have brakes?
63
00:05:59,260 --> 00:06:02,411
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Give the money to me?
64
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:05,413
Yes. To buy groceries.
65
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,691
Groceries?
66
00:06:09,180 --> 00:06:13,458
Yes, Peg. The stuff you have to
wade through to get to the TV Guide.
67
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,932
And I better be able to eat everything
in that bag, Peg. Just food.
68
00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:19,852
Just beef.
69
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:22,011
Just do it.
70
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:27,215
That's right, Peg.
God, they look so firm.
71
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,053
Hold them up for me, baby.
72
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:37,933
Now let's see that pretty rump.
73
00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:40,568
Beautiful!
74
00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:49,573
Al, my blisters are hurting
from carrying that food...
75
00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:51,657
...to the checkout counter.
76
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,419
If you'd been there before...
77
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:56,976
...you'd know the carts
in front of the store are for that.
78
00:06:57,820 --> 00:07:01,017
I thought that was parking
for the homeless.
79
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:05,736
You will never guess who I met.
80
00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:10,337
The guy who plays Neuter the Cat
on the Tender Innards commercials.
81
00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:12,652
You mean that one that says...
82
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:17,849
..."If this meat were any fresher,
the jockey would still be riding it"?
83
00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:22,499
He's so hot. He's the 10th most
recognizable cat in media history...
84
00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:25,618
...behind Heathcliff
and the late Miles Davis.
85
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:29,456
Look, sweetheart. Daddy's got meat!
86
00:07:31,180 --> 00:07:32,818
That's great, Daddy.
87
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:35,415
This guy could do wonders
for my career...
88
00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:38,094
...so I asked him on a date
in my new car.
89
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,858
Not so fast, Pumpkin.
90
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,455
You're gonna need to be covered.
91
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,488
Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?
92
00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:51,052
I'm talking about auto insurance,
you little--
93
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,539
Oh, now, Pumpkin...
94
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:59,250
...just so you didn't think
I didn't care, I got the best.
95
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,972
South Forty Auto Insurance,
the farmer's friend.
96
00:08:03,220 --> 00:08:08,374
- But there are things you need to know.
- You registered it as a farm vehicle?
97
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:14,456
Don't be surprised.
He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
98
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,092
The next thing I register's
gonna be a handgun.
99
00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:22,533
Sweetheart, now that you drive
a farm vehicle...
100
00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,897
...there are a few restrictions
you need to know about:
101
00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:29,974
One, you must not drive
on paved roads.
102
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:34,651
Two, the Amish always have
the right of way.
103
00:08:34,860 --> 00:08:37,932
Three, since you always
must be on official business...
104
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:40,740
...you must have this in your car
at all times.
105
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:51,811
Hence the South Forty motto,
"No chicken, no check."
106
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,289
Hey, Kel, great news. I got--
107
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,860
South Forty Insurance, Dad?
108
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:03,219
It's a damn fine company.
109
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:07,857
Farmer's best friend,
next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.
110
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:15,212
Anyhow, I got a date with a foreign
exchange student who's so easy...
111
00:09:15,420 --> 00:09:18,856
...she makes you look like
a calculus problem.
112
00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:27,570
Well, you can't have the car tonight
because I'm going out with Neuter.
113
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:31,653
You can go out with Dad anytime.
114
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:41,052
- I promised to take her to the drive-in.
- I'm taking my date there in my car.
115
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:44,815
- I'm not giving up my date.
- I'm not giving up mine.
116
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,658
American movies are so confusing.
117
00:10:03,900 --> 00:10:06,653
So much subtext. So much character.
118
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,290
The important part to remember...
119
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:13,612
...is that Elmer is mad at Bugs.
120
00:10:15,820 --> 00:10:20,052
You see, he tied his shotgun
into a bow earlier.
121
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,418
Exchange student, huh?
122
00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:28,939
What did we send to her country,
a head of lettuce and some sand?
123
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:32,410
What does she mean by that?
124
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,736
Nothing.
125
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,136
I'm just gonna get comfortable here.
126
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,660
I'm sorry, Kel, if I hurt your legs...
127
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,737
...or his hand.
128
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:51,736
It's okay. Accidents happen.
129
00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:54,255
Which explains you.
130
00:10:56,500 --> 00:11:00,778
- Hey, shut up!
- We're trying to have sex over here!
131
00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:03,818
So are we!
132
00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:07,409
You know, I'm sure you
hear this all the time...
133
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,532
...but your portrayal
of Neuter is staggering.
134
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:12,934
Thanks.
135
00:11:13,180 --> 00:11:15,455
Have you seen my one where I say...
136
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:19,329
..."My stomach hails
the taste of entrails"?
137
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,416
Great date, Kel.
138
00:11:26,380 --> 00:11:29,497
What, was the 4000 Flushes guy busy?
139
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:37,649
Well, I'm sorry if we were disturbing
you and Evita up here.
140
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:43,418
It's just unusual for me to see you with
a date that doesn't require a patch kit.
141
00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:49,653
What does she mean by that?
142
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,212
Nothing.
143
00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:02,488
Shut up!
144
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,772
Come on. Come on.
145
00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:06,248
Let's go.
146
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:14,615
All right, Kel, look.
We can't go on like this anymore.
147
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,328
In order to make this
sharing thing work...
148
00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:20,652
...we have to coexist together
in the car, okay?
149
00:12:20,860 --> 00:12:22,976
Okay. Deal.
150
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:32,808
Bud...
151
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:36,729
...my loins are warm for you.
152
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:43,251
Get out.
153
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,459
No. I hate you.
154
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:49,090
If you want the back seat,
get into someone else's car.
155
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:50,978
That is really stupid.
156
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:53,808
Hey...
157
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:57,336
...wanna get into the back seat
of someone else's car?
158
00:12:58,380 --> 00:13:00,735
Or better yet, that pickup truck?
159
00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:03,138
Isn't that dangerous?
160
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:07,136
Well, "Danger" is my middle name.
161
00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:12,139
Franklin's his middle name.
162
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:16,173
Watch. I'll show you how easy it is.
163
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,577
It's all clear.
164
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:33,936
Come and get it.
165
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:39,850
Hit the floor.
166
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,930
Oh, look. He must really like you.
167
00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,978
He's wearing his underwear
with the hearts.
168
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:11,051
Peg, what are you doing down there?
169
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:13,577
I'm over here, Mongo.
170
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,215
Well, Peg, where's my tri-tip?
171
00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:20,419
According to Jake, the refrigerator
couldn't handle that much food.
172
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,890
So it just kind of OD'd.
173
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,616
What are you saying?
That can't happen!
174
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:28,050
Happened to Elvis.
175
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:31,734
- Where's my food?
- I gave it to the poor.
176
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:34,699
Well, then it's still around here.
177
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:38,099
Get over it, Al. It's gone. And so am I.
178
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:40,979
- I'm eating with the D'Arcys.
- What about me?
179
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:43,734
- They don't like you.
- I don't like them.
180
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,817
But I'm willing to go.
181
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,256
Why do I come here?
182
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:56,173
Why doesn't Willie Nelson
do a benefit for me?
183
00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:59,457
He could call it "Al Aid."
184
00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:02,458
I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.
185
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,656
Marcie?
186
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:19,816
There's a note.
187
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:24,577
Dear Daddy. Due to circus dances...
188
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,254
- Due to circumst--
- What Kelly is trying to say is...
189
00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:31,416
...we had to dump the chicken.
190
00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:36,654
P.S. By the time you read this,I'll be getting some.
191
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:41,209
Love, Bud.
192
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,853
What am I supposed to do
with a live chicken?
193
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:56,375
Welcome to the terror dome.
194
00:16:08,780 --> 00:16:13,171
Well, I went
to the nurse-slash-hotdog lady.
195
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:17,340
Did you know that
relish aids in clotting?
196
00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:20,569
Bud, you are so brave.
197
00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:23,698
You let the dog rip you to pieces
for me.
198
00:16:23,940 --> 00:16:27,774
I resonate in my seat for you.
199
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,134
Get out!
200
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:39,940
People with futures
are talking here.
201
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:42,929
So you really brought your cat suit?
202
00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:47,093
Yeah. It helps me be myself.
203
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:51,337
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm a little shy.
204
00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:56,893
I had a tough childhood. People think
the rich have it easy. Well, we don't.
205
00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:58,937
Rich?
206
00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:02,050
I don't mean like trillionaires.
207
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,655
Just a few billion.
208
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,491
Anyway, I know it's strange...
209
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:15,177
...but there are things I can say
in my costume that I can't say out of it.
210
00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:16,933
Like what?
211
00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:21,015
Like... inviting certain people I like...
212
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:26,254
...to all-expense-paid trips
to certain island paradises that I own.
213
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,055
Get out!
214
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:35,458
Not this time, Fancy Feast.
215
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:42,934
The worm has turned.
216
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:46,540
You mean to tell me that a
couple seconds of cheap sex...
217
00:17:46,740 --> 00:17:48,935
...means more to you
than my happiness?
218
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:52,337
A milk shake means more to me
than your happiness.
219
00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:56,448
Fine. Come on, Neuter.
220
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:01,416
Let's walk amongst the pines
and empty tubes of ointment...
221
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,657
...and talk of the things you own
and will give me.
222
00:18:06,660 --> 00:18:09,697
If you'll just help me out of these
bandages here...
223
00:18:09,940 --> 00:18:12,852
...we can test the shocks on this baby.
224
00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:18,494
So this island that you own...
225
00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:22,050
...is it near the beach?
226
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,378
Yes.
227
00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:32,778
Well, then put your head on
and let's talk.
228
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:39,172
Kelly...
229
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:43,459
...I've been alone
for a long, long time.
230
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,697
Just one more bandage.
231
00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:20,856
Then I can really hurt you.
232
00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:26,418
It's been so long.
233
00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:31,810
Well, it's gonna be even longer,
King Tut.
234
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:36,929
- What are you doing here?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
235
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:39,375
Sit down, Neuter.
236
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,774
I'm hungry.
237
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:48,535
Bud, why don't you go to the nurse
and get us a hot dog.
238
00:19:49,820 --> 00:19:53,574
- Why don't you go?
- No. You go.
239
00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:57,855
Look. Let's just both go, okay?
240
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,897
All right.
241
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:06,774
Look, Kel.
242
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,215
- I'm sorry about your friend, okay?
- Yeah, well, it's okay.
243
00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:16,772
It's just my luck. All the other cats
are either married or gay.
244
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:18,533
Listen. Let's not fight.
245
00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:20,611
You and Sonja take the car...
246
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:25,172
...and Neuter and I will go hang out
in an alley. He's used to it.
247
00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:27,650
- Thanks, Kel.
- No problem.
248
00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:31,893
- Oh, Neuter!
- Oh, Sonja!
249
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:40,254
You know what really hurts, Kel?
250
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:46,093
Throwing meat in the car
and setting Cujo loose on them?
251
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,610
You're way ahead of me.
252
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:52,420
Then let's get it over with.
253
00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:04,690
Al, correct me if I'm wrong...
254
00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:08,649
...but didn't the insurance policy say
"no chicken, no check"?
255
00:21:10,380 --> 00:21:13,099
You hate to see me eat,
don't you, Peg?
256
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:16,730
But it's too late.
It's in, and it's staying in.
257
00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:20,417
Yeah. I've heard that before.
258
00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:26,858
I'll get another chicken tomorrow.
259
00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:29,528
The chances of them
wrecking the car the one night...
260
00:21:29,780 --> 00:21:32,977
...the chicken isn't in it
is a billion-to-one.
261
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,570
Daddy, we wrecked the car.
262
00:21:36,380 --> 00:21:37,608
On purpose.
263
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:41,136
You were right.
Kelly and I aren't ready to share.
264
00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:43,940
So to get our money back,
we totaled it.
265
00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:47,414
All you have to do is toss
the chicken in the back seat...
266
00:21:47,620 --> 00:21:50,851
...before the insurance company
gets here and we're home free.
267
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,056
You proud of us, big guy?
20834
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