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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,080
Mum, Mum, Mum! Shit!
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,120
Why can't I do anything right?
Because you don't do anything right!
3
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,000
Maybe it's in the car
and it fell out of your pocket.
4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,040
I'm sure I had it.
5
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,920
Shit. It was my wife!
6
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,240
HE GROANS
7
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,000
Viking!
8
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,760
You look terrible.
9
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:19,920
But you're mine.
10
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:21,120
I know.
11
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,600
Hello.
12
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,800
You killed someone!
13
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,000
You're married.
14
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,480
Ah, fuck.
15
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,400
Even best friends
have secrets, Mandy.
16
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,720
How do you know my name?
17
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,520
Hello, Mr Boback.
18
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,720
Hi, Billy.
19
00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,800
Ah.
20
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,360
Bush, it-it-it smells funny.
21
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,480
Oh, I'll remember to wash it next
time, stinky old bush. SHE CHUCKLES
22
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,320
It-it's, er...
23
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:07,680
..it's got powdery mildew.
24
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,040
Wh-what, your bush?
25
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:12,040
Oh, no, that was a joke, um,
about my, um...it doesn't matter.
26
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,880
I'm sorry, you got...
You've got a smelly bush?
27
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,960
Just cos you said
that yours was... SHE LAUGHS WEAKLY
28
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,600
Mine's got an actual disease, Miri.
29
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,360
Yeah, um, I was really happy that
you were talking to me and, er...
30
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,480
..and so then I-I just panicked
and I made a really shit joke.
31
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:26,760
Oh!
32
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,880
HE LAUGHS
Oh, I see, I get it, the...
33
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,680
Yeah, no, there's nothing to get,
cos it's not even slightly funny.
34
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,560
But what I really meant to say was,
it's nice to see you
35
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,360
and it would be great if we could
maybe, I don't know,
36
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,800
hang out again one day.
Have an ice cream - as friends.
37
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,760
Because I had a really nice
day with you,
38
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,960
and I hope that you did too, so...
39
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,040
Can I think about it?
Of course, yeah.
40
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,840
Right, I'd better... Yeah, sure.
41
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,120
Sure. Going to go.
42
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:56,800
Bush.
43
00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,280
Look, it's ten o'clock in
the morning, Caroline, my-my porridge hasn't settled.
44
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:01,440
Ow!
45
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,840
Oscar, you need to relax.
46
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,000
I am relaxed.
47
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,720
Oh!
48
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,400
HE LAUGHS
Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?
49
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,480
I'm-I'm just trying to...
It tickles. Relax.
50
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,320
OK.
51
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,160
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
52
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
HE FARTS
Oscar.
53
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,640
I'm so sorry.
54
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,760
I will not be defeated by a fart.
55
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,120
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
56
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,080
Hello, there, pretty girl.
57
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,000
Hi.
58
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,280
I saw you and Billy making amends
59
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,960
and I want to apologise too.
60
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,720
I have a jealous streak.
61
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,600
I really appreciate that, um,
and I'm so sorry too,
62
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,520
I had no idea that you guys were...
63
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,000
Let us never mention it again.
64
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,800
It's hard, isn't it?
65
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,000
Life.
66
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,320
Yeah.
67
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,960
How are you? I'm good, thanks.
68
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,000
Fresh start. New beginnings.
69
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,200
Well, it's, um,
it's a lovely day, so...
70
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,240
Isn't it? Crisp.
71
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,560
Ah, there's nothing quite
like winter sun, is there? Hmm.
72
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,360
How are you? Oh, I feel fabulous.
73
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,720
Thank you for asking.
74
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,160
Oh, I'm so glad.
75
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,440
Light as a feather.
76
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,640
Clean as a whistle,
inside and out. Oh. SHE CHUCKLES
77
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,320
I do wonder, though, sometimes.
78
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,760
Oh, what do you wonder?
79
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,520
I wonder what it's like,
being a harlot.
80
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,920
Slut.
81
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:43,960
Killer.
82
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,400
A man stealer.
83
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,360
Cunty head. Um...
84
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:51,520
A great big fat fucker
fuckity fucker.
85
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,800
All right, you're obviously
having a bad day, so I'm-I'm not
86
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,080
going to take offence.
87
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,480
Oh, I'm very well.
Right now, never been better.
88
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:02,160
Just a woman in her prime
taking a good, hard look
89
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,200
at a psycho,
husband-stealing fuck biscuit
90
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,760
casually bathing her
sin in the sun...
91
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,120
Wow...
92
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,640
..while she should be rotting
to death in a prison cell!
93
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:13,800
That's really nice.
94
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,040
Look, it's not working,
I-I need to get back to my...
95
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,560
No, it's been too long.
96
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:21,600
We need to make it
part of our routine, like porridge.
97
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,240
Porridge? Yes.
98
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,720
But a bit sexier.
99
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,080
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
100
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,800
Slut fucker.
101
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,240
Shit slit.
102
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,720
Sorry, can you just stop it now?
Stop it.
103
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,200
Rot. Rot, rot.
104
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,680
Dirty little prison killer.
105
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,920
You don't know anything about me.
Just leave me alone.
106
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,280
Stop being so mean!
107
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:44,680
I know you've got a great big
hungry pussy and nobody wants it.
108
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,280
Not my husband.
109
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:47,560
No-one!
110
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,480
You will always be alone!
111
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,880
Oh, fuck off and die!
112
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,120
THUD
113
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,480
Anna?
114
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,800
Anna? Oh...
115
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:01,960
Anna?
116
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,480
RADIO CHATTER
117
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,920
Poor woman. I never got to know her.
118
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,200
Now we definitely won't.
HE CHUCKLES
119
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,440
Hello, Tina.
Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.
120
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,840
Um, Miri Matteson,
can I have a quick word?
121
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,720
Actually, I'm a
bit late for work, so... Mm.
122
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,120
Apparently the deceased
was talking to that psycho
123
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,120
that killed
Chief Inspector Boback's girl.
124
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,040
Yeah, I'm-I'm with her now, Rick.
125
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:30,240
So, er, apparently you were the last
person to speak to the deceased.
126
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,320
Yeah, we, er,
we did converse, yes.
127
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,760
Right, and what was said?
128
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,400
Er, we just had a chat, yeah.
129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,480
Yeah, what did she say?
Said it's nice weather.
130
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,280
Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.
131
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,920
So, I said, yes, it is
and then said it was crisp.
132
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,960
Crisp? Yeah.
Yeah, it is crisp. Mm-hm.
133
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,040
Er, yeah, she seemed, really,
very lucid.
134
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,080
Interesting. Yeah...
135
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,920
Um, but then...she sort of
changed tack. OK.
136
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,760
So, conversationally, it
went in a different direction. SHE LAUGHS
137
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,760
OK. In sort of... For example?
138
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,680
Slut, whore, shit slit, dirty
little, er, husband fucker,
139
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,160
rot, rot in prison you killer,
killer, killer,
140
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,520
killer, killer, killer....
141
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,440
Killer.
142
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,480
Killer. Stuff like that.
143
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,920
Right. Anything else?
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
144
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,640
Um... Come on, it is important.
145
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,880
She said that I...
146
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:23,120
She said that I had a great big
greedy pussy, so... OK.
147
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,240
Is that true?
148
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:25,800
What? Sorry? What? No!
149
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,960
All right, calm down.
It's a fair question.
150
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,160
I am calm.
151
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,680
Right.
152
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,640
And, um, what was your response?
153
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,080
I didn't really say, ah...
154
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,920
SHE MUMBLES
155
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,640
No, I mean, did you say anything
to her before she died?
156
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:39,960
Er, fuck off and die.
157
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,280
I mean, I'm aware that doesn't...
doesn't sound very...very good.
158
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,320
No. But you can see how I got there.
You know, I just... I snapped.
159
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,040
Snapped! Right. No.
160
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,360
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
Oh, my God.
161
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,880
No, no, or yes?
162
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,000
No, well, yeah, no, but just...
This is...
163
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,840
Can I just say that
this is incredibly...
164
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,040
This is really rubbish for me.
165
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,360
Worse for her.
166
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,800
Well, let's just see what the
coroner's report says, yeah?
167
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,040
Oh, come on, you can't, like,
you know, like, with words...
168
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,200
That's just....
169
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,200
Ah, sticks and stones will break my
bones, but words will never hurt me.
170
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,640
OK, well, we all know
that isn't true.
171
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,560
Tina tiny tits, you're
so weak, you're a freak.
172
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,360
So you smile through your
tears and you just say,
173
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,280
"Words will never hurt me."
174
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,800
And then, um, and then you become
a policewoman with a truncheon.
175
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,880
So, er, I'll be in touch, yeah?
176
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,200
OK.
177
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,200
Billy, I can explain everything.
178
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,120
Just leave me alone.
179
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,080
I'm so sorry.
SHE SIGHS
180
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,200
DOOR SLAMS
Oh, Christ.
181
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,840
Billy I'm not a bad person,
it was just a very,
182
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,480
very unfortunate coincidence.
183
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,160
Shit.
184
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,600
INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
185
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,520
What? Show's over,
go and have your breakfast.
186
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,200
Ah, you found me, then.
187
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,640
I'm so sorry, I had
an awful morning.
188
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,440
Thanks for coming back.
189
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,000
So, um, what happened to the shop?
190
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,280
This is the shop now.
191
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,120
Yeah, it's much better.
192
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,920
Nimbler. You can't
drive a shop around.
193
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,520
Are you sleeping here? A bit...
194
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,760
It's fun.
195
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:29,080
It's like bivouacking.
Oh, my God, it's because of me.
196
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,880
Look, it's not easy having a murd...
197
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,320
Murderer or murderess,
which do you prefer? Neither?
198
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,600
Erm...a killer front of house.
199
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,760
Puts people off,
unless it's Halloween
200
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,120
and you're making a thing of it.
Anyway, they will come round.
201
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,400
It's not like you're going to be
killing anyone else, is it?
202
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,360
Errrr...
203
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,080
Oh, fuck. No.
204
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,160
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't
panic, don't panic, no. No.
205
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,360
Look, she was my neighbour,
she was very, very old,
206
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,200
we were just talking and...
207
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,440
..she died, but it's
absolutely fine. It's fine.
208
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,840
Not for her! No,
obviously not for her.
209
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,880
Having the grim reaper
for a neighbour.
210
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,480
It was a tragic coincidence.
211
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,320
Maybe you should warn people,
carry a scythe or something.
212
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,120
Actually not fair, that's not...
OK. ..very nice.
213
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,280
Ah, shit the bed. Are you,
are you OK?
214
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,280
It's all too much.
Are you all right?
215
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,560
It's all too much, Miri.
216
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,880
Just breathe. Just have
a little breathe, OK?
217
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,200
HE SIGHS
Nathan, you need to fire me. No.
218
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,480
Just do it. I can't.
219
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,760
Well, then I'm going to do it,
I'm going to fire myself.
220
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,240
But I don't want you to.
Wait there, wait a second.
221
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,840
Miri, you're fired.
222
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,960
Oh, oh,
well, that's fine,
223
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,840
thank you so much for giving
me a chance, Nathan.
224
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,440
That's all right,
bye, Miri.
225
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,960
It's done. It was really easy.
226
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,360
You're like Paul McKenna,
making me do that.
227
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,680
That's what they say.
228
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,000
You know what? It could be worse.
229
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,600
You could be me.
230
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,640
That's true.
SHE LAUGHS
231
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,400
Bye, Nathan.
232
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,520
Good luck. Keep your pecker up.
233
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,560
Anything? No.
234
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,080
Think of me with another woman, hm?
235
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,200
And imagine I'm maybe rubbing
cream into her.
236
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,320
Oh, er.
237
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,320
No. What?
I saw that dead woman.
238
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,360
Think of someone else. Well, who?
239
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:19,200
Marilyn Monroe? Grace Kelly?
240
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,080
More dead women?
SHE SIGHS
241
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,960
Look, maybe we just, er...
Squidge it in.
242
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,600
Oh...
SHE CHUCKLES I'm sorry, but...
243
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:30,840
I really want to, I just...
244
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,880
I just don't know why I can't.
245
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,600
Don't worry, darling.
246
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,440
We'll sort this out.
247
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,800
Together.
248
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,480
Stop stalking me.
249
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,000
You killed your neighbour's wife?
No, I did not.
250
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,240
Well, you're trending on
local Twitter. Oh, for God's sake.
251
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:53,120
I'm only getting in cos I don't
have a phone, don't get excited.
252
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,320
Give it to me.
253
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,400
SHE SIGHS
Oh, God, this is ridiculous, I-I didn't do anything.
254
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,440
Who was that weird guy asking
questions about you
255
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,600
yesterday with the beard?
256
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,640
I don't really know, some
kind of investigator. Oh, my God, who are these people?
257
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,400
Investigator? I don't like him, he's
creepy. Oh, social media is evil.
258
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,880
Miri, you're not listening,
he creeped me out,
259
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,440
I think he wants to turn us
into The Human Centipede.
260
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:14,760
People think I've killed someone,
261
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,040
so I've got slightly bigger things
to worry about right now.
262
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,880
Have you ever seen
The Human Centipede?
263
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,960
No, but I read it. Like, on Monday
he has a plum,
264
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,640
on Tuesday he has an apple,
then he eats a bit more fruit,
265
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,080
has a bit of cake,
turns into a butterfly, flies away.
266
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,200
To be honest, I would absolutely
love to be him right now.
267
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,960
That's The Hungry Caterpillar.
268
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,840
Oh, right,
what's The Human Centipede?
269
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:37,160
It's when your mouth gets sewn
to someone's arsehole.
270
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,960
Oh. Oh, that's a bit more
concerning. Yes, it is.
271
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,400
Listen, can you do me a favour?
272
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,760
I need to get my neighbour
a present - can you lend me
273
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,880
some money and just drive me,
drive me to a shop?
274
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,160
I mean, I do actually have a staff
meeting, which, um...
275
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,640
It means fuck all,
so, yeah, why not. Yay.
276
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,080
SHE LAUGHS
It's like the old days. What is?
277
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,080
You and me, on an adventure.
278
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,520
We never went anywhere.
279
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,200
Yeah, we did! Spliffs on the beach,
the arcades...
280
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,600
..the Co-op.
281
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,680
My main memory is me waiting a few
feet away while you got
282
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,360
fingered in pretty much any
location by pretty much anyone.
283
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,600
Can you drive?
Yeah, all right, but get down.
284
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,640
Why? No, seriously,
I can't be seen with you.
285
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,040
Oh, for fuck's sake.
286
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,360
Down. Why? Lower.
287
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,600
SHE SCOFFS
288
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,600
You know,
to help...with things...
289
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,560
..down there.
Canesten Pessary for thrush?
290
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,880
To encourage firmness.
291
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,920
In the stool? No! You know...
292
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,560
They're blue.
293
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,840
I'm sorry.
For men...downstairs.
294
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,160
Bruised testicles.
295
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,200
Viagra!
296
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,200
Bloody Viagra.
297
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,840
No. Sorry, we sold out.
298
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,200
They've sold out.
299
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,040
Everyone old is having sex.
300
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,400
Oh. You!
301
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:51,080
Oh, my God.
302
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:53,880
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
303
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,920
Hey, man, I'm just getting nappies.
304
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,320
Not fucking scared of you.
305
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,840
I fired her and-and she went nuts.
306
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,240
She threatened me, she said
she was going to do something,
307
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,960
something bad, she said.
308
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,520
Probably tonight.
309
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:18,680
Like what, sir?
310
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,280
I really don't know.
I really don't know.
311
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,280
And what's the name
of this angry woman?
312
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,520
Miri Matteson.
That's her name.
313
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,760
Big surprise. On it, sir.
Thank you.
314
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,880
Shit.
HE SIGHS
315
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,880
You think I should get him a card
as well? Sorry, don't talk to me.
316
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,480
I can't
be seen with you.
317
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,920
You're just going to leave me?
318
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,320
I need to get my wine.
319
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,400
Oh, my God! It's you.
Yes.
320
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,080
You know, my mum is your
biggest fan.
321
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,320
Really? No.
322
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,400
HE CHUCKLES
She does not like you.
323
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,320
You're a murderer.
And she says you dress funny.
324
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,360
Great, can I just...
I just want to buy a plant, so...
325
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,960
Did you wear that in prison? No. Can
I just... Can I buy this, please?
326
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,600
This plant? Yeah. No.
I want to buy it. No.
327
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,960
Please can I buy it? No.
328
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,720
Phil Sollen.
329
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,160
Hello, Miss Samantha, hi.
330
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,880
Are you still being a nasty
little bully?
331
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,680
Er...
332
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,120
Yes, Miss. Do you know what happens
to bullies?
333
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,920
No, Miss. Do you want to find out?
334
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,560
No. No. Now stop being a disgrace
and you serve this woman.
335
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,080
That's ?4.99.
336
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,720
So I take it you were
a bit of a wiener at school.
337
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,040
Not a wiener. It was really nice
watching you suffer a little bit,
338
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,880
because you're a bit of an arsehole.
339
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,160
That was amazing,
I like your headmistress voice.
340
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,160
Shut up. Oh, sorry, Miss.
SHE LAUGHS
341
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,040
Why don't you hate me?
342
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,480
I do. A bit. Good.
343
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,840
But I have a part to play in this.
344
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,560
I haven't been
a husband to you lately.
345
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,600
Oscar, please. No, but it's true.
346
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,400
It is over.
347
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,480
I ended it.
348
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,000
For better or worse. Hm.
349
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,560
And this is extremely worse.
350
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:30,080
But...we've been through
so much together, we can do this.
351
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,720
We start again as of today. Reset.
352
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:37,040
We will love one another and endure.
353
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,120
SHE SIGHS
354
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,120
SHE SNIFFS
355
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,720
What are you doing?
356
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,960
Magazines in the fire paper pile,
357
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,560
toxic fumes, very harmful,
I've been meaning to.
358
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,120
Caroline I... We have a, um...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
359
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,400
Oh, God. I think I'm, er...
HE LAUGHS
360
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,520
Are you... Are you...
Keep going, keep going...
361
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,280
Go on, go on, yes.
362
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,360
Yes, yes, keep going.
363
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,600
Hey...
HE LAUGHS
364
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,080
Don't you have kids to go home to?
365
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,160
I find parenting much
easier after this. Oh.
366
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,640
So, er...
367
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:35,360
Mr "bush man", is he someone
you'd want to, um...?
368
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,440
No, it's not...
369
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,000
Nah, it's not like that.
THEY CHUCKLE
370
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:45,440
Are you still a virgin?
No, no. No...
371
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,720
There was Dom. Oh. That was
just the tip though, wasn't it?
372
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,440
Yeah, but he got most of it in
and then he pulled out and he...
373
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,600
And he came on my, er, Jamie Oliver
poster, which I don't...
374
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,440
I don't think that was
intentional...
375
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,080
Christ. But it was just
next to my bed.
376
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,280
THEY LAUGH
377
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,040
That's your definitive sexual
experience. I know.
378
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,400
Oh, Dom is... He's a dirt bag.
I mean...
379
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,920
He'd jizz on anything.
Really? Mm. Ew...
380
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,520
Yuck.
381
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,320
Yeah, it's so weird,
I always thought that my life
382
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,920
would be, like, 90% fanny,
10% other stuff,
383
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,560
but it's just not
been about my fanny at all.
384
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:25,400
I've maintained an 80 fanny,
20 other stuff ratio.
385
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,840
That's really impressive
for a headmistress. Yeah.
386
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,080
THEY LAUGH
387
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,880
It's not that easy, dating when
everyone thinks you're a psychopath.
388
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:32,920
I don't.
389
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,440
Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?
390
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,240
I used to just...
391
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,000
..lie awake trying
to work out what I'd done.
392
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,760
Lara could be like that, though.
393
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,800
Oh, come on, this was
different, she was...
394
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,000
She was feral, she bit me,
for fuck's sake.
395
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,600
Yeah, well...
396
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:56,240
Do you think she's looking down at
us and laughing at our shit lives?
397
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,240
Probably.
MIRI CHUCKLES
398
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,400
I miss her.
399
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,440
MANDY SIGHS
Me, too.
400
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,120
I really miss you too, you know.
401
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,280
I have to get back home. Oh.
402
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,640
Wait! My bush is in your car.
403
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,040
Hang on.
404
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:38,680
BANGING ON DOOR
405
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,360
Hey, I need to speak to Miri.
406
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,880
She's not here. Miri!
407
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,720
Miri! I need to explain.
408
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,280
I mean, there's literally nowhere
she could be hiding... Miri!
409
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:52,760
Mate, she's really not here.
410
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,160
Hey. Have you got any chips?
411
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,960
Have I got any chips? Yeah.
412
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,200
In my fish and chip van? Yeah.
413
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,480
What a question.
414
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,640
Um, no, I don't, actually, um...
415
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,680
..or fish.
416
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,080
Miri.
417
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,400
And no Miri either.
418
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:13,720
I'm kind of busy, and...
HE GROANS
419
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:17,800
Miri!
420
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,160
Chips!
421
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:34,360
Hey. Hi. So I just, um, I got you
a non-diseased bush.
422
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,160
Wow. Oh. Are you OK?
423
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:42,680
Yeah. Yeah,
I'm a bit shocked but, in a way,
424
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,520
I suppose that's the way everyone
wants to go, isn't it?
425
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,920
Is it? Well, yeah, you lead a
full life, your heart just stops,
426
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,040
no pain, no suffering, you...
You're peaceful.
427
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,280
Oh, I feel so dreadful.
No, no, come on.
428
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,640
No, but I shouldn't have risen to
it, she wasn't well and I was...
429
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,080
I was so awful back to her.
430
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,560
She shat in a box. What?
The shit that you got.
431
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,520
Oh, my God, so she... She's the one
who graffitied the house too?
432
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,280
No, no, she just posted shit
to people that she hated,
433
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:10,640
that was her thing. That's why
I don't talk to my mum any more.
434
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:13,680
All the other stuff, that was,
er, that was probably the...
435
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,680
..the whole of the town.
Oh, brilliant.
436
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,160
POLICE SIRENS WAIL
437
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,960
Oh, God. Wh-Who's...? Well, it's
probably Tina, isn't it? Ah.
438
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,240
Yes, it's Tina.
439
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,320
Right, Miri Matteson,
you need to come with me.
440
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,480
Er, no, I'm sorry, hang on, he will
tell you that it was her heart,
441
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,000
I had nothing to do with it. Yeah,
yeah, it was... It was her heart.
442
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,720
Oh, no, this isn't that. What?
443
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,360
You won't believe it,
Tina, it's Miri Matteson again.
444
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,200
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it, Rick.
445
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,840
Listen, I know no-one likes being
fired but to light a fire
446
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,240
after you've been fired,
that's just showing off, with words.
447
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,160
And arson. What fire?
448
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,600
Excuse me, what-what's
she done wrong? What's this about?
449
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,600
Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't
see you standing there
450
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,560
behind this massive criminal.
Come on.
451
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,720
Oh, my God, what is happening?
What's happening?
452
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,280
Right, you were fired today.
No, I fired myself.
453
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,240
OK, that doesn't even exist.
It does because I did it.
454
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,960
Oh, "I did it" - that sounds like
a confession to me.
455
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,480
No, to firing myself, not to...
Not to arson.
456
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,360
Oh, so you're a police officer
now, are you? No, I'm not a police officer.
457
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,640
Yeah, right, well, I am,
18 months and counting.
458
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:15,200
That's not even very long.
It's whizzed by. Seems shorter.
459
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,760
Anyway, come on, get in the car.
460
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,840
But I haven't done anything.
I haven't done anything.
461
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,000
Oh, I see. Sticks and stones might
break my bones but, oh,
462
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,000
I won't get arrested for setting
fire to my boss's food truck.
463
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,040
I didn't do that. I didn't.
Look, let me speak to Nathan.
464
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,160
Do you know what happened to the
girl that cried wolf? It was a boy and he got eaten.
465
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,880
Ah, OK. Well...
466
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,400
Do you know what happened
to the liar? No, because...
467
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,920
Well, liar, liar, pants
went on fire. Come on, come on.
468
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,000
Oh, my God, that's not even
a thing. Yes, that is a thing.
469
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,560
PHONE VIBRATES
470
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,800
PHONE BEEPS
471
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,480
CELL DOOR SLAMS
472
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,640
SHE SIGHS
473
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,360
PHONE BEEPS
474
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,280
You have one new message.
475
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,360
I know who you are
so stay the fuck away from me.
476
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,720
I mean it.
477
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,040
HE CHUCKLES
478
00:22:45,090 --> 00:22:49,640
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