Original subtitles

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

It's 10:30.

Where have you been?

Oh, everywhere.

This certainly has been a busy morning.

Don't give me that.

Now is the moment you came to work!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Where are you going?!

Mrs. Carmichael!

If you are ready, I would like you to take some dictation.

- Yes, sir, I'm ready. - I have to get a note out

with these contracts that have to get out this morning.

Yes, sir.

Now, then, this note goes to Mr. John Wayne.

John Wayne... daah...

Oh...

- Uh, M-Mrs. Carmichael? - Yes, yes?

Mr. Wayne is a client and when I dictate correspondence to him,

I wish you would refrain from going "Daah..."

Well, I can't help it.

He-He's my all-time favorite.

Nevertheless, I wish you wouldn't fall apart

every time I mention his name.

I just wish he was here to pick up the pieces.

I am not interested in whom you would like to be picked up by.

- Mr. Mooney. - Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

let's get busy, please.

Will you sit down?! You can't take dictation standing up,

- for heaven's sake. - Yes, sir, yes, sir.

All right, now, then, are you ready?

- Yes, sir. - All right.

Dear Mr. Wayne...

"Dear Mr. Wayne..."

Enclosed herewith is the movie script you sent us

along with the final contracts

regarding our financing of your current production...

The one about The War Wagon.

The War Wagon?

- Yes. - What's a war wagon?

Well, it's a large armored wagon, and in this picture

it's transporting gold across dangerous hostile territory.

Oh... are there Indians in it?

- Yes. - Who else is in the picture with him?

I-I don't know, let's get on with the dictation, please.

- I haven't finished the note. - He always gets the girl,

- doesn't he? That's good. - Uh, yes.

The girl's usually Maureen O'Hara, you notice?

I'd like to be in it.

- Just, just take that. - Yes, I have it.

Uh, now let me see, where wa...?

Oh, yes. We are very pleased to participate in a venture

that has already made your company so prosperous.

Hmm.

Prosperous?

Yes, prosperous.

Couldn't we just say "rich"?

Mrs. Carmichael, if you don't know how to spell "prosperous,"

you can look it up in the dictionary.

Well, you have to know how to spell it

before you can look it up.

Besides, I think Mr. Wayne would say "rich."

I don't think he'd say "prosperous."

Oh?

Well, now, maybe Mr. Wayne would say "rich."

All right, put down "rich"

and sign it "yours truly," etcetera, etcetera.

Yes, sir.

- Mr. Mooney. - Hmm?

I-In-Instead of signing the letter "yours truly,"

I think Mr. Wayne would like it better

if you said something like

"Until our trails cross again,

"may your grazing be the greenest

"and your water hole never run dry.

"I remain yours till the feathers

of the red man turn gray."

And sign it "your bronco-bustin' buckaroo Tex Mooney."

And how would I send it... Pony Express?

Well, I just thought...

Never mind, Mrs. Carmichael, just sign it "yours truly"

and sign Theodore J. Mooney.

- All right. - Oh, here.

These are the contracts that go with the note.

I want you to take them to the studio immediately.

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir,

I'll see that Mr. Wayne gets them personally.

Oh, no, you don't.

Just take them to the entrance

and leave them with the receptionist.

But, Mr. Mooney, it wouldn't be any trouble at all.

Uh, my girlfriend Mary Jane works at that studio,

and I could have lunch with her and...

No, Mrs. Carmichael, just leave them with the receptionist

and don't bother Mr. Wayne!

All right.

- Hi, Mary Jane. - Hi.

Oh, Mary Jane, I just saw some Indians.

Yeah.

Oh, gee, look at all these wonderful costumes.

Oh, it must be fun working in a studio

with all kinds of glamorous stars around all the time.

Yeah, it is fun.

- Hi, Bill. - Hi, Ed.

- Hi, Mary Jane. - Oh, hi, Ed.

Ed, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine...

Lucy Carmichael.

- Hi, Lucy. -How do you do? - This is Ed Nelson.

- Doesn't that hurt? - Not me.

But it sure bothers my wife when we're dancing.

That's funny.

Oh, that's funny.

Hi, Mary Jane.

Oh, hi.

Oh, that was Burt Lancaster, wasn't it?

Oh, no, Lucy, that's Mr. Simon... He's a director.

Oh, sure looked like Burt Lancaster.

- Hi, Mary Jane. - Hi.

Oh, I recognized him.

That's Richard Chamberlain.

No, Lucy, that's the studio doctor.

Oh, really?

Who was that... the janitor?

That was Milton Berle.

Milton Berle?!

Oh, for heaven's sake,

wait till I tell the girls I nearly saw Milton Berle.

Was it really Milton Berle?

Yes, it was, but listen, honey.

- Oh. - Listen, Lucy, we have to order.

You're going to be late getting back to work, now, come on.

Oh, I don't care if I am late getting back to work.

I'm still so mad at Mr. Mooney for insisting

that I leave those contracts with the receptionist.

You'd think a man would understand

how much a woman would like to meet John Wayne personally.

Yes, you certainly would.

Do you know John Wayne?

Not personally.

Well, then I think I'll introduce you.

Do you know him?

No, but I will when I give him these contracts.

Lucy, I thought you gave those to the receptionist.

Not on your life.

Did you think I was going to give up a chance like this?

I'm going to give these to Mr. Wayne personally.

Now, do you think he'll be in here for lunch?

Well, he usually is,

but sometimes he has lunch in his dressing room.

- Oh, really? -Hi, Mary Jane. - Oh, hi, Joyce.

- Hey, Joyce. - Yeah?

Do you know where Mr. Wayne is?

No, I don't. Anything I can do?

Well, my friend's looking for him.

- Oh? - Yes, I work in a bank

and I have some very important contracts for, uh, Mr. Wayne.

- Oh, yes, we've been expecting those. - Uh-huh.

Thank you so much.

Who was that?

- The receptionist. - The receptionist?

- Oh, no. - Lucy.

Hi, honey.

Hello.

I thought you didn't know him.

I don't.

Well, he said hello to you.

He says hello to everybody.

He called you honey.

He doesn't know my name.

Gee, that's even better than a name.

Oh, if he ever called me honey, wow.

- He's very friendly. - Is he?

- Oh, he's so nice. - Mary Jane.

- Yeah. - You're wanted on the phone.

Oh, okay, I'll be back.

Here's your usual, Mr. Wayne.

Thank you.

Oh, bring me some ketchup.

Right.

- There you are, sir. - Thank you.

Anything else I can get for you, sir?

No, I'm fine.

Howdy.

Hi.

I'm Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, well, uh, uh,

I'm John Wayne.

Oh, oh, I know you are.

Oh, it's nice meeting you, Mr. Wayne.

I, uh, I work at the bank

and I brought some contracts over here for you today.

- Well, thank you. - I-I thought

about bringing them to you in person,

but I realize that you're a very busy man,

and I didn't want to bother you.

Oh, I'm never that busy.

Yeah, well, whether you're busy or not,

I-I just thought there's no reason for people to bother you

and that's why I left the contracts

outside with the receptionist... So I wouldn't bother you.

Well, that's very considerate.

It must be very bothersome,

people bothering you all the time,

like when they ask you for your autograph and everything.

Well, I never considered that a bother.

Oh. Can I have your autograph?

Well, of course.

Thank you.

Uh, did you bring a piece of paper?

No.

Oh.

Oh, I-I didn't want to bother you, but I... oh,

could you, could you maybe put it on the back of this?

Well, this is a page out of my script.

Oh, I would love to have a page out of your script.

- Well, it's... - I would love that.

Would you care for something?

Oh...

Well, would you like something?

Well, I, uh, just a cup of coffee if it's no bother.

All right.

Uh, now, then, just say "To my dear friend Lucy Carmichael."

To my dear friend Lucy...

Carmichael, C-A-R-M-I-C-H-A-E-L.

I always spell it for people

because sometimes they spell it "E-A-L,"

- and we have the Scotch clan spelling "A-E-L."

-Oh.

My maiden name used to be McGillicuddy...

That's how Scotch I am.

- Oh. - Uh,

let's see, "who I enjoyed having lunch with in person."

I mean, you in person, not me.

Oh.

"Who I enjoyed having lunch with

in person together today alone."

"Together dash today dash alone."

- Together today alone. - Today alone.

Yes, now if you'll just put the date down there in the corner.

- The date? - Yeah, when I get back to the bank,

I'm going to have it notarized.

Notarized?

Yeah, well, they'll never believe this back home.

Thank you so much.

Oh, I'll cherish this.

Thank you.

You know, Mr. Wayne,

I watch all of your old pictures on television.

- Do you? - And even though I know you started out

quite a long time ago, you still look so handsome and so young.

Well, thank you.

I'd like to have that notarized.

Well, it's true.

Most actors don't look anything like they do

in their old pictures on television.

- You know what I think ages them? - What?

Staying up all night watching their old movies on television.

Oh, you're funny.

You know, I think I've seen every picture you ever made.

- Really? - Mm-hmm, some of them eight or ten times.

Well, thank you, that's very nice.

Oh, you know, you were such a sensational army general

in a picture called Cast a Giant Shadow, an army general.

And what a dashing naval officer you were in In Harm's Way.

Remember that?

- Yes. - Yeah, did you enjoy making that?

Very much.

Did John Ford direct it?

No, he didn't direct it.

He directs most of your pictures, doesn't he?

- Yes, he does. - Yes, and most

of the time you have Maureen O'Hara in your pictures,

- don't you? - That's right, yes.

She has beautiful red hair.

Yes.

You know something?

You were the greatest marine

of all time in the Sands of Iwo Jima.

- Just the greatest! - Well, thank you.

Gee, you've been in every branch of the service... no wonder

- we won the war. - Well, thank you very...

I never thought of it that way.

Yeah, you've been in the service so long,

I think Bob Hope should play a Christmas show just for you.

You're having a little trouble with that.

Here, let me help.

I'm terribly sorry!

Here, let me help you.

- No, don't help, please. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, I think

that I'd better get back to the dressing room

and study my lines.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Wayne.

Oh, uh, here, you haven't even touched your sandwich.

- Well, I'll take it with me. - Oh, okay.

Oh, and, Mr. Wayne, here.

You might want that where it belongs.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪♪

- Now, Lucy, they don't usually allow visitors -Yeah?

On the set, honey, but I'll talk to the assistant director.

Oh, Bryan?

- Oh, hello, Mary Jane. - Hi. Listen, Bryan,

this is my friend, Lucy Carmichael.

- How do you do? - And she wants

to see John Wayne shoot.

Well, we don't usually allow visitors on the set.

Well, I told her that.

Uh, I'm a personal friend of Mr. Wayne's.

As a matter of fact, I just had lunch with him.

Oh, well, in that case, I guess it will be all right.

- Oh, good. - Thank you. Thank you.

- And I'll see you later. - Okay. Bye.

Have fun.

- Bye-bye. - Okay, places, everyone.

Getting ready to roll, huh?

- John, you ready? - I was born ready!

- Hey, lady? - Huh?

Uh, lady, would you mind stepping over a bit?

What do you mean?

You're right in front of my camera.

Oh. Oh, is that the ca...

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Excuse me.

All right, now. All right, let's get ready.

Roll it!

War Wagon, company scene 53, take one!

Action!

Taw, we'd better get out of here.

This place is loaded with Pierce's men.

The way I look at it, this place is loaded with two of our men.

But, Taw, there's ten of Pierce's men here

and there's only two of us.

Couldn't we pick a time when the odds are more even?

Okay, let's wait around

until six or more Pierce's men come in.

Ha-ha! You tell 'em! That's right!

Cut!

Who's that?

Someone the bank sent over not to bother me.

Is she a friend of yours?

Seems that way.

I want absolute quiet on the set!

- Quiet! -Absolute quiet! - Yes, sir.

Aah...!

Oh, my, that is a hot light!

Oh-ho, oh-ho-ho-ho...

Oh, my. You have a lot

of those hot lights around here like that?

Yes, yes, lady.

Yes, you see, we have them all over the set.

If you look right around, we have them all...

I see.

You have to be careful where you stand, madam.

- Yes, I will. Thank you. - Now, look, and I must

ask you, please, don't react that way off camera.

- Ooh, I got something to tell you. - We have to have...

That's the way they're gonna react to Mr. Wayne

all over the country, in every theater that-that he plays in.

- Yes, I hope so, but... - You better just get used to it.

When they hear a line like that, they say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

- So... - Yes, but that's in the theater, ma'am.

- Here on the set, we can't have that. - Oh, well.

You see, all these actors have to be able to concentrate

- when Mr. Wayne comes in. - Oh, well, let 'em get used to it,

because if they're in a Wayne picture,

they're in the best, and that's the way the theaters react.

Yes, you're right, you're right, and that's what we want,

- but you'll help us a great deal if you'll just -Okay, okay.

- Take it easy, right? - Fine, fine. I'll take it easy.

- Just don't get too upset. Aah! - But I react the way I feel.

Watch out for those hot lights.

John, Burt Lancaster's shooting on the next stage.

Couldn't you send her over there?

Why? Burt's never done anything to me.

Well, all right, if you want to let her stay around.

All right, places everybody!

We'll pick it up from Mr. Wayne's last line.

Roll 'em!

Scene 54, take one!

Action!

Okay, let's wait around

until six more of Pierce's men show up.

Howdy, Pierce.

Howdy, Taw.

It's been a long time.

Yeah...

been a long time.

You mouth off like that again,

and you'll be a dead man.

Cut! Cut, cut.

I didn't do anything. I didn't move.

John, I think you skipped some dialogue.

Oh, wait a minute, let's take a look. Ugh...

- What's that, blood? - No, ketchup!

Well, no wonder I missed it... There's a page missing.

- Oh, a page missing? - Oh, oh, maybe that's my fault.

Perhaps this is the page that you gave me out of your script.

- Is that the one? - That's the one.

Well, let's see, now, you're supposed to say,

"Hear you and your boys been lookin' for..."

You said that, didn't you? And he says,

"That's right, Taw," and you say, "Well,

now you can stop lookin' and start talkin'."

And he says, "Reckon I ain't fixin' to be...

to be seen talkin' to no jailbird."

And then you say, "You mouth off like that again,

- you'll be a dead man." - Oh, I got it.

- I'll remember it now. - Listen, Mr. Wayne,

I, uh, I think it would be better if you said,

"You mouth off like that again

and you'll be pushin' up daisies."

- "Pushin' up daisies." - Yeah.

Now, please, miss, we've got...

Wait a minute, Joe.

I like "pushin' up daisies" better.

All right, "pushin' up daisies."

Much better. That's much better.

- You want to rehearse it once? - Yeah, let's rehearse it.

No, let's roll it; I know the dialogue.

Okay, roll it. Go ahead, roll it.

He knows it. Go on, roll it.

Hey, John, you sure you don't want to clear the set?

I'd hate to blow this scene.

Well, I'd rather blow a scene than lose a fan.

Ha-ha!

That's why he's been up there on top so long!

Thank you, ma'am.

That's right. That's what I mean about him.

That's the kind of a man he is. Yeah.

I mean, all of his fans know that about Mr. Wayne.

Yes, all right, now, places, everyone!

- We know that about him. - Oh, y-yes, yes.

Everybody knows that about Mr. Wayne.

Yes, mm-hmm, mm. All right, places, roll 'em!

Scene 55, take one!

- Take three. Take three. - Action! Action!

Hear you and the boys have been lookin' for me, Pierce.

That's right, Taw.

Well, now you can stop lookin' and start talkin'.

Well, I reckon I ain't fixin' to be seen

talkin' to no jailbird.

You mouth off like that again

- and you'll be pushin' up daisies. - What?

Hey, miss, what are you doing?!

He forgot his line.

Aw, cut! Cut!

He forgot his line.

I don't blame you for forgetting.

It's new, it's brand-new.

I just gave it to you. Then you say,

"You mouth off like that again, you'll be a dead man."

That's what it was. You're supposed to say,

"you'll be pushin' up daisies."

I was just taking a long pause for effect.

Oh, I thought he forgot his line!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Okay, roll 'em. Go ahead.

All right, roll 'em!

Scene 56, take one!

Take four.

Action!

You mouth off like that again

and you'll be pushin' up daisies.

If you're lookin' for trouble, Taw...

I got plenty of boys that can give it to ya.

Well, I'll let you make the first move,

but you better remember, it may be your last.

Aw, now, Taw, me and the boys

didn't mean nothin' personal.

Take him, boys!

Look out! Look out!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

What are you trying to do, lady?

I saw her give him a knife! I saw her give him a knife!

He took a knife to Mr. Wayne!

Well, I know that! We're just trying to...

Look at her standing there with that silly smirk on her face!

Lady, we're trying to shoot a picture!

Well, you go ahead and shoot a picture,

but you make sure that he doesn't get hurt!

Good heavens, I've never seen such brutality!

- They were rough! - Lady,

nobody here is going to hurt me.

These are all my friends.

Why, actually, this fellow and I started together 20 years ago.

Yeah. Way over 20.

Never mind.

I told you how good of friends we are.

- Now, just try and control yourself. - Hey, makeup.

They certainly didn't look very friendly to me.

You know, I've seen, as I told you, Mr. Wayne,

I've seen practically every picture you ever made.

Here, let me take that.

And I tell you, I noticed in every picture

that they sort of gang up on you.

You're always outnumbered.

You always have a tough time of it,

and I don't think it's right.

I just don't think it's fair.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

We all thank you, lady, but we're trying

to shoot a fight scene, not a beauty contest.

Well, then, you just be very careful of him.

Remember, he's a star.

Yeah, fellas, be real careful of me.

Remember, I'm a star.

All right, star, let's get back to work.

Now, look, John, this time

I want you to take one of these blood capsules,

put it in your mouth, bite down on it during the fight

- so we get a good shot of the blood, huh? - Okay.

I just had no idea that they were so rough.

He could really get hurt.

I've seen Mr. Wayne get hurt plenty of times.

- You have? - Sure. Sometimes those stuntmen

are so anxious to make things look good,

- that they get carried away. - I'll say they do, and I think

this is one of the times they got carried away...

All right, folks, a very important scene,

I want it to go well, so quiet on the set!

- Quiet! - Quiet!

Let's have it quiet.

All right, we'll overlap the action

where Chuck gets the knife from Helen, right?

You ready? Make it good, gang.

Roll 'em!

Scene 57, take one!

Action!

Oh! Oh!

He's bleeding!

They really hurt him! They really hurt him!

They really hurt him!

Aah...!

He's bleeding!

It'll be all right, I'm sure...

Aah!

Mr. Wayne...

Mr. Wayne?

All right,

all right, lady, that's all!

Now you're gonna have to leave!

Why should I leave?

I'm Mr. Wayne's best fan.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

I didn't mean to do him any harm.

Say something, Mr. Wayne.

Good-bye, honey!

Oh... he called me honey!

He called me honey!