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1
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:14,138
- [orchestral music playing]
- [laughing]
2
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:17,141
Greetings,
ladies and gentlemen!
3
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,143
Welcome to my acting debut
4
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,729
in the hamlet
known as Metropolis.
5
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:22,980
- [scattered clapping]
- [indistinct chatter]
6
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,399
Thank you, thank you!
7
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,985
This is the first in my series
of one-man shows
8
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:32,406
about iconic historical moments
from the point of view
9
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,784
- of someone who was not there.
- [sneezing]
10
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,996
Tonight's performance
of Pearl Harbor
11
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,581
features Giovanni,
12
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:44,752
a salt of the earth cobbler
in Napoli, Italy,
13
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,795
who died fully 20 years
14
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:52,469
before the Japanese
bombed Pearl Harbor.
15
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:56,513
[mandolin playing]
16
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,891
[in Italian accent] This shoe
looks pretty good.
17
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,601
I love the way it shine.
18
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:04,021
Hey, I'mma wonder what's
happening in Pearl Harbor
19
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,522
twenty years from now.
20
00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:08,693
[laughs] Oh, well,
back to work.
21
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,779
[yawning]
22
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,655
[in normal voice]
I have been up all night,
23
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:16,408
awaiting the early edition
of the Daily Planet
24
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:20,204
reviewing my one-man show!
25
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,331
- [whirring]
- Ah!
26
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,208
Magic time!
27
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,170
Hmm. Didn't make
the front page, I see.
28
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,505
Well, no matter.
29
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,174
They probably saved
the best for last.
30
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:35,135
"Mister Face's wildly
problematic adaptation
31
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,346
of Pearl Harbor is as flawed
32
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,432
as his Italian hate crime
of an accent."
33
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,394
Oh, wait, hold on.
That is not right.
34
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,229
Ah, here we go, here we go.
35
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:48,774
"Mister Face is
phenomenally talented...
36
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,986
at making you wish
you had never been born."
37
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:54,488
[squelching]
38
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,824
Fret not, ol' chap.
I know what you're thinking.
39
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,743
That we should've domesticated
raccoons instead of cats?
40
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:03,080
No! That I must confront
the topmost brass
41
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:06,083
at the Daily Planet!
42
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,378
[theme music playing]
43
00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:18,263
[warbling]
44
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,768
[eerie music playing]
45
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:31,526
[squelching]
46
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,158
[creaking]
47
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,618
This isn't over, Pamela.
48
00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:42,661
[growling]
49
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,372
[gasping]
50
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,333
Okay. It was just a dream.
51
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,126
It was just a dream.
He's dead. He's-
52
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,795
It's over. [exhales]
53
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,090
Morning, Ives. You sleep okay?
54
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,508
Uh...
55
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,178
I... I've definitely
slept better.
56
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,180
- Oh, God. Thank you.
- Mwah.
57
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,723
So, you remember last night,
when I asked you
58
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,350
how your day was,
and you said, "It was fine"?
59
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,809
Ye... Yeah?
60
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,561
Did you maybe forget
to mention the tiny bit
61
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,980
where you met your toxic,
abusive, ugly ex
62
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,648
and then murdered his ass?
63
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:14,276
What the fu- They just
called me a "freak accident."
64
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,613
You know, the media?
They hate women.
65
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,282
[stammers] I... I can explain.
66
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,742
[Harley] So you killed
Jason Woodrue
67
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,660
in the same exact way
he killed you?
68
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:26,455
In the same exact way
that he tried to kill me.
69
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,375
And yet I'm still here.
And he's not.
70
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,959
Sweetie, I'm not done
with that.
71
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,169
I... I just wasn't done.
72
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:33,545
- Swe-
- Oh, really? Really?
73
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,422
I didn't know
because you didn't tell me!
74
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,216
Harls, okay,
let me just clarify,
75
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,802
'cause me not telling you
about Jason
76
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,720
has nothing to do with you.
It's just-
77
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,764
It's just that you didn't share
this huge moment of reckoning
78
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:45,766
with one of the most traumatic
incidents in your past
79
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,434
with your partner,
who loves you.
80
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,770
Sweetie?
I didn't want you to worry.
81
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:50,813
I love worrying!
82
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,523
I worry about shit
all the time.
83
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,858
Like, will there be
a berry crisis in the future?
84
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,152
Can people see my mustache
in the sun?
85
00:03:57,153 --> 00:03:58,445
Will my girlfriend
be honest with me
86
00:03:58,446 --> 00:03:59,530
when she's going
through something,
87
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,073
so I can help her process it?
88
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,117
[chuckles] It's not-
There's nothing to process.
89
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,535
How did you feel
about killing him?
90
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,120
Did you get closure?
Did you have a chance
91
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,579
to vent your anger and tell him
he's a piece of shit?
92
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:08,997
- [cell phone vibrating]
- Aw, shit.
93
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,708
Look, my presentation
for the Green Initiative
94
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,501
is in an hour,
and I gotta, you know,
95
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,462
take care of some stuff
before, and, you know-
96
00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,006
Yeah, you gotta take
your morning shit.
97
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,340
- Yeah. Yeah.
- See?
98
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,758
Isn't it easier
when you just say things?
99
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,052
Harley, you can be mad at me
if you want to,
100
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,679
but it still mean a lot to me
101
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,681
if you could just come to
my presentation and support me.
102
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:27,057
Okay. But this Jason thing-
103
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,393
- [stomach gurgling]
- Honey, uh, we gotta go.
104
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,437
I gotta go. I...
I actually have to go.
105
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,521
We gotta talk about this later.
106
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,648
This conversation isn't over!
107
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,027
Oh, wait, you just said that.
Ugh!
108
00:04:37,028 --> 00:04:40,696
[Perry] Lois,
enough with your claptrap.
109
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,740
I wanna hear more
about this dead professor.
110
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,616
Police only found
a pile of goo.
111
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,076
- Called it a freak accident.
- I've been-
112
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,703
- In Metropolis? Ridiculous.
- This is what-
113
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,204
This city is damn near perfect.
114
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,581
- [sighs]
- Something's fishy here.
115
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,416
That's exactly what I told you!
116
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,626
I walked in and I said,
"Something's fishy here."
117
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:56,587
I think you got that from me.
118
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:59,715
I must speak to
the editor-in-chief!
119
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,050
That's me. What do you want?
120
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,052
I demand a retraction.
121
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,094
Good luck with that. Bye.
122
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,929
This must be a mistake. [sobs]
123
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,015
"The only thing worse
than the acting
124
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,601
in Mister Face's one-man show
125
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,270
is the casting!" [winces]
126
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,314
Have you no taste?
127
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,733
This is an attack
on the theater.
128
00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:21,612
Nay, nay. This is an attack
on art itself.
129
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,447
Fuck off, I heard the play
was terrible.
130
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,532
Not worse than gout,
but damn near.
131
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,910
Trust me, I know gout.
132
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,745
No, that cannot be
your final word.
133
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,955
You must come to
this evening's performance
134
00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,999
and write me
an unbiased review.
135
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,127
The only way that dog crap show
gets a good review
136
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,962
is if you write it yourself.
137
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:42,467
[gasps] That's brilliant!
138
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,803
- [grunts]
- [body thuds]
139
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,972
Wow. Can't believe
Professor Woodrue exploded.
140
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:51,225
Good news is I can probably
get an extension
141
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,769
on my paleo-botany paper.
142
00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:54,646
[whirring]
143
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,482
So, as you can see here,
144
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,484
by linking the soil beds
145
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:04,154
with the city's existing
subterranean water supply,
146
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:07,991
we can intertwine greenery
and chrome seamlessly,
147
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:13,038
giving new meaning
to the term "urban jungle."
148
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:16,375
Hey, I'm here to
unconditionally support you.
149
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,168
But we still need to talk.
150
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,796
Uh, thank you. Um, so anyway,
151
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:24,049
uh, Metropolis has
a long way to go,
152
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,511
but as with everything,
this green revolution
153
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,514
will start with the "seed"
of an idea.
154
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,683
[chuckles] Seed.
155
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,019
[forced laughter]
156
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,855
- Laugh, ya weenies!
- [all laugh]
157
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,606
[Floronic Man]
I have a question.
158
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,775
- What the fuck? Stop it.
- You heard her, stop laughing.
159
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,111
They won't do that again, continue.
160
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,864
Uh, excuse me.
I just was a little nervous.
161
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,615
It's just public speaking,
I guess.
162
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:50,951
- So, where were we?
- Right here.
163
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,202
[gasping]
164
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,413
I'm coming for you.
165
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,123
Ah!
166
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,542
This is not real.
This is not happening.
167
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,169
- Uh, Ive?
- [door opens]
168
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,712
Class dismissed, ya nerds.
169
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,049
- Ive- Ivy!
- [indistinct chatter]
170
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,384
Hey, you're doing great.
171
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,470
Those weenies were writing down
every word you said
172
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:10,846
and I didn't understand
any of it,
173
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,639
which means it was
real intellectual stuff.
174
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,392
I... I think
I'm going out of my mind.
175
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,478
Yes, okay. See, I don't like
176
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:18,771
how we left things
this morning either.
177
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,357
No. No, it's not that-
I mean, yes.
178
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:22,566
But, right now, I just-
179
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,651
I really need to get
myself together.
180
00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,445
You know what?
You probably need to eat.
181
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,571
We should get lunch
and talk it out.
182
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,865
No. I'm not hungry, really-
183
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,659
Ives, whatever is going on,
you can tell me. Please.
184
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:36,372
Nothing is going on.
I just feel like I'm going...
185
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,833
Going to need to go into
The Green real quick. Okay?
186
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,293
I'm gonna need to meditate.
187
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,420
Fine. I guess I'll just
go eat lunch by myself
188
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:44,880
like some kind of sad asshole.
189
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,967
- Thank you for understanding.
- Ugh. Shit.
190
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:49,935
[sighs]
191
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,098
- [dripping]
- Oh.
192
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,266
Ew. What is that?
193
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,601
Ugh. Okay.
194
00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:01,272
[inhales, exhales deeply]
195
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,242
[whooshes]
196
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,529
[sighs in relief]
197
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,531
[inhales]
198
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,283
[exhales] Jason is dead.
199
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,702
You are safe.
200
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,537
You just need
to get some sleep.
201
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,831
- [meeping]
- Oh. [chuckles]
202
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,793
Well, hi to you, too,
little fella.
203
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,136
[meeping]
204
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,214
Aw. Look at you.
205
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,633
[meeping]
206
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,556
[gasps] Oh!
207
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,975
Is that what you wanted
to show me?
208
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,143
[meeping]
209
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,104
That's a beautiful,
beautiful white oak.
210
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,188
Yeah.
211
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,149
- [rumbling]
- Huh?
212
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,358
[whooshing]
213
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,987
[crunching]
214
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,530
[groaning]
215
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,365
- [squelching]
- [growls]
216
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,366
What the fuck?
217
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,368
[growling]
218
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,163
[grunts, laughing]
219
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,374
- Jason?
- Oh, no, no.
220
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,876
Now I go by...
221
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,129
- Floronic Man!
- [thunderclap]
222
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,840
You look...
223
00:09:09,042 --> 00:09:11,008
fucking terrible.
224
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,344
Oh. Would you feel
more comfortable
225
00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:15,262
if I did this?
226
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,056
Somehow that's much worse.
227
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,725
You're right,
I'm way hotter now. [grunts]
228
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,393
How... How are you here?
229
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,811
Because of you.
230
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,522
Your vines, combined
with the toxic gases,
231
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,691
- turned me into this.
- [thunderclap]
232
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,027
You know, at first,
I was a little pissed.
233
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,403
But I did a lot of thinking
234
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,280
since you left me
to die yesterday,
235
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,949
and I realized
why you did this to me.
236
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,702
You wanted me
to be just like you.
237
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,871
You're nothing like me!
238
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,122
[Poison Ivy exclaims]
239
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:43,667
[both grunting]
240
00:09:44,286 --> 00:09:46,210
[grunts]
241
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,671
- [thuds]
- [groans]
242
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,005
- Huh?
- [creaking]
243
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:53,217
You're right.
I'm much, much, much,
244
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,386
much stronger than you.
245
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,554
[screams, panting]
246
00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,224
Where do you think
you're going?
247
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,601
[grunting]
248
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,103
Why are you doing this?
249
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,563
Well, I'd love to tell you
that this was all
250
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,232
part of some master plan
251
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:11,068
to take over Metropolis
and then the world.
252
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:15,114
But the truth is, I just
really wanted to kill you.
253
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,324
[grunts]
254
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,494
Okay, Ivy.
I gave you your time,
255
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:23,080
I gave you your space,
but we gotta hash this out.
256
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:26,375
Nothing is more important
than honesty in a relationship
257
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,710
and the honest truth is,
258
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,586
I am so freakin' verklempt
right now-
259
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:30,587
- [glass breaking]
- [gasps]
260
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,047
- Ives?
- [grunting]
261
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,382
[grunting]
262
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,967
Ah!
263
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,301
- Ives, wake up.
- [gasping]
264
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,428
Ivy! [grunts]
265
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,389
- [glass breaking]
- [grunting]
266
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,269
[grunting]
267
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,603
[train whooshing]
268
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,605
Now, to craft
an unbiased review
269
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,774
of my own one-man show.
270
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,401
[laughing]
271
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,862
The terror of the blank page.
272
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,448
Mr. White, I now know
why they pay you
273
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:59,074
the big bucks to do this.
274
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,326
[muffled] I don't know what
you're fucking playing at,
275
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,454
you son of a bitch.
276
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:06,373
I bit my tongue. Again.
277
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,424
[Clayface] Hmm.
278
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,836
It appears my subconscious
is suggesting
279
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:14,506
I may need the help
of a literary giant.
280
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,557
[typewriter dings]
281
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,843
[Bane] Jesus Christ.
282
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,095
Clayface, I had to take
three trains,
283
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:23,015
a ferry, and a pedicab
to get here.
284
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,017
Is this even
part of Metropolis?
285
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,977
[laughs] As you can see,
Mr. White,
286
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:29,313
I settled for a literal giant
287
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,482
instead of a literary one.
288
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,275
- [laughing]
- [Perry, muffled] That sucks.
289
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:36,028
I'm flattered,
although I'm not sure
290
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,739
what you're hoping
I can bring to the project.
291
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,115
Grammar!
292
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,909
I will supply the words,
but you will put in
293
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,869
the requisite periods
and commas.
294
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,622
Hmm. Or stack them
for a semicolon.
295
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:50,834
I read your blog post entitled
My Hemorrhoid Surgery.
296
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,002
Brilliant!
297
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,505
Your prose was so evocative,
298
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,131
sharp as the scalpel they used
299
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,717
to remove your swollen
anal masses.
300
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,511
If you can do that
for your rectum,
301
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:04,515
imagine what you can do for
my Pearl Harbor extravaganza.
302
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,643
I specialize in 'stravaganzas.
303
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:08,936
Brilliant!
304
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,355
But don't spill your seed
on the ground,
305
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,898
save it for the page.
306
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,275
And so we begin.
307
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819
The year was...
308
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,237
not relevant,
309
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:22,032
for it was timeless
in that black box theatre
310
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,119
upon which Clayface strode.
311
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,247
That's pretty good,
maybe you should just write it.
312
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,207
- No. Make it your own.
- Okay.
313
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,543
- But say exactly this.
- Mmm.
314
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:35,504
"Not since the immortal bard
of Stratford-upon-Avon
315
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,841
has the world witnessed a show
the equal of Macbeth...
316
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,676
- Oh, hold on how do I get-
- ...until now."
317
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:44,430
All the little bars are jammed
on each other. Damn it!
318
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,349
Hmm. What is a synonym
for "transcendent"?
319
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,559
[Bane] Mmm.
320
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,353
What is an unpretentious word
for "unrivaled"?
321
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:53,063
[muffled] Oh, God.
Kill me. Kill me!
322
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,607
Can we beat the word
"unbeatable"?
323
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,658
[Bane] No.
324
00:12:56,659 --> 00:12:58,110
Ha-ha!
325
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,404
I think it's pretty good.
326
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,739
Should we proof it?
327
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,365
I don't need to proof it,
328
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:04,616
I lived it.
329
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,744
And I happen to know that...
330
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,078
[squelching]
331
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,081
Mr. White is ready
to publish it as-is!
332
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,834
[muffled] Terrible.
I don't sound like that.
333
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,837
What the fuck is going on?
334
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:17,921
[Poison Ivy groans]
335
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,673
[grunting]
336
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:20,966
This isn't working.
337
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,968
I don't know anything
about plant shit.
338
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,595
Ah! [grunting]
339
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:27,723
I should've listened to your
boring lecture this morning.
340
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,600
Help. Help. Hello?
341
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:30,934
Is anyone here?
342
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,865
God damn it.
Who knows about this crap?
343
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:34,730
[groans]
344
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,523
- [gasps]
- [line ringing]
345
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,192
Hello- Mmm.
346
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,027
Harley, goddamn. This better be
some end-of-the-world shit
347
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,071
if you're pullin' me
away from my lady.
348
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,822
I was just about
to get my fertilize on.
349
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,783
Listen, Ivy's in trouble.
350
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,077
And how long you been sitting
on that little nugget?
351
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,453
What the fuck
is goin' on with Ivy?
352
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,163
She went into The Green
and she's-
353
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,957
Oh, shit! Something in there
is fucking her up bad.
354
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,585
Hold on, I'm gonna take a peek.
355
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,302
[whooshes]
356
00:13:57,468 --> 00:13:59,797
- [chuckling]
- [grunts]
357
00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:01,256
- [winces]
- [Poison Ivy] Ah!
358
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,508
Ha!
359
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,301
Holy fucking ravioli.
360
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,594
[groaning]
361
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:08,264
[both grunting]
362
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:10,474
Ah! [groans]
363
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,851
I always knew you were
a monster, Jason,
364
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:15,312
even before
you looked like one.
365
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,064
[screaming]
366
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,440
[Floronic Man laughs]
367
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,984
I'm gonna kill you,
for good this time.
368
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,489
Unlikely. You've really
lost your touch, Pamela.
369
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,409
- [vines snapping]
- [screaming]
370
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,119
[whooshes]
371
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,578
Okay, I found out a few things.
372
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,247
There's a guy who looks
like a tree in there,
373
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:35,249
Jason-something,
tryin' to kill Ivy.
374
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,085
And let me tell you something,
this man is succeeding.
375
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,670
- [grunting]
- Jason?
376
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,463
Wait, that's Ivy's ex.
She killed him last night.
377
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,257
Oh, yeah, he definitely
ain't dead.
378
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,134
You need to go find
his unconscious body
379
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,885
and torch his ass.
380
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,595
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
the article in the Daily Planet
381
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,472
said they found his remains
in the lab. [gasps]
382
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:52,266
You think he might've gone back
to the scene of the crime?
383
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,268
Shit. You know what?
It's worth a shot.
384
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,020
I'm gonna go to The Green
and stall him
385
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,188
so he doesn't kill Ivy
before you find her.
386
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,606
- Hurry, Harley. Let's go.
- [beeping]
387
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,193
Ugh. Okay, hold on, Ives.
I'll save you!
388
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,532
Listen up, Newspaper Folk.
389
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:11,785
I have in my hands perhaps
the finest piece of writing
390
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:15,247
- I have ever writted- read.
- Well, that's pretty-
391
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:19,543
This "Bane" is the greatest
investigative theater critic
392
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,920
- of our generation.
- Wait, I don't-
393
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,423
He called Clayface's
one-man show
394
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,925
- "A phantasmic triumph."
- Oh-
395
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:30,137
Now that's just good writing.
396
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:31,930
This is the kinda content
we need.
397
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,934
- Well, you gotta try to-
- Get to work!
398
00:15:35,618 --> 00:15:38,729
All right,
let me call you back.
399
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:41,231
Perry, there's something funny
going on in this city.
400
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:44,360
Well, Pearl Harbor
is more of a drama,
401
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,695
but it does have
its share of chuckles.
402
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,905
Not that.
403
00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,198
There have been
several sightings
404
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,824
of an unidentified
flying object
405
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:52,076
in Metropolis' air space.
406
00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,369
Yeah, I almost
got a photo of it,
407
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,913
but my lens cap was on. Sorry.
408
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,748
You had one job, Jimmy.
409
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,750
And on top of that,
we're getting various reports
410
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,294
of people being plagued
by nightmares about a skull.
411
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,588
There's a story here, Perry.
I can smell it.
412
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:05,964
I just need the green-light
from you.
413
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,800
Yes, but no.
414
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,886
It's not the job of
a journalist to ask questions.
415
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:15,432
It's our job to spotlight
local artistic brilliance!
416
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,769
Like this Clayface fella.
He's simply blowing up.
417
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:21,605
But, Perry, I know this is
just the tip of the iceberg.
418
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:25,818
I am not playing "just the tip"
with you, Miss Lane.
419
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,277
[laughing]
420
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:30,322
I have some questions
about this dental plan.
421
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,450
Does it, uh,
cover adult braces?
422
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,827
No!
423
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,912
Miss Lane, let me introduce you
to our new lead columnist
424
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:40,124
who, like Napoleon
and Cher, Moby,
425
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:43,085
needs only one name,
and that name is-
426
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:45,754
Bane? Bane is our
lead columnist?
427
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,214
Pleased to meet you.
428
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:50,426
I understand we are going
to share a cubicle?
429
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,928
You've got to be kidding me!
430
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,138
[camera shutter clicks]
431
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,557
[gasps, grunts]
432
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,517
[chuckling]
433
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,768
[growling]
434
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:00,819
[grunts]
435
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,187
Ah!
436
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,648
Hey, broccoli man, over here!
437
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,984
Why don't you pick on a plant
your own damn size?
438
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,445
[both grunting]
439
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,446
Frank! No.
440
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,448
- Get outta here!
- I got this, Ivy.
441
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:13,657
Frank?
442
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,784
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is baby Frank?
443
00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:18,162
Who you callin' baby?
I'm a grown-ass plant.
444
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,705
Who the fuck are you?
445
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,165
I am-
446
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,917
Floronic Man.
Can you believe that name?
447
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,170
What the fuck is
a floronic man? [laughs]
448
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,672
More like a moronic man.
You heard that?
449
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,757
How dare-
450
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,760
You know what?
I am not going to engage.
451
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,054
I am just going to do this.
452
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,096
[both grunting]
453
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,806
- [pot shatters]
- Ah!
454
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,516
You know, when I first saw you,
455
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:42,311
you were just a little sapling
in the lab,
456
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:45,522
so full of potential,
a living marvel.
457
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:49,151
The perfect mesh
of human and plant DNA.
458
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,821
And now,
you've turned into this.
459
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,114
Pathetic.
460
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,616
Wha- You listen here,
you little birch,
461
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,242
no one talks to Frank
like that.
462
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,037
Except for Rosie,
and I pay her to do that shit.
463
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,497
[grunting]
464
00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:02,206
[exclaims]
465
00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,582
- [thuds]
- [grunts]
466
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,042
God damn it,
and that was my good tooth.
467
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,210
[grunting]
468
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,544
[branches creaking]
469
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,547
- [gasping] Ah!
- [creaking]
470
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,882
[growls]
471
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,926
[laughs]
472
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:15,511
- [Frank] What the-
- [gasps]
473
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,304
[both screaming]
474
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:20,099
[both grunting]
475
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,392
[growls]
476
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:24,395
Now where is that
splinter dick's lab?
477
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,896
- Mmm-hmm. Oh.
- Yup, yup.
478
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,064
Good, good, good, good.
479
00:18:27,065 --> 00:18:28,399
- [grunts] Ooh.
- Hold it. Okay.
480
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,692
And cum.
481
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,319
All right, time to orgasm,
17.5 minutes.
482
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,406
Uh, wrong lab, but I do love
whatever this is.
483
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,782
- [gas hissing]
- Ah! What is-
484
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,283
[high-pitched] Oh, wait.
Yep, that's helium.
485
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:41,161
[people moaning]
486
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,496
Another sex experiment?
487
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,706
[woman] No,
we're just having sex.
488
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,958
God! I miss grad school.
489
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:47,251
[panting]
490
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,378
[gasps]
491
00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:51,588
[knuckles cracking]
492
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:52,756
- [doorknob rattling]
- [growls]
493
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,049
- Ah!
- [door slams]
494
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,552
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
495
00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:57,594
[screaming]
496
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,639
- I love you, Ivy!
- I love you, too, Frank.
497
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,682
[exclaims]
498
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,308
If I don't make it
through this,
499
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,476
you know how you always
lose your lipstick?
500
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:05,853
- Yeah.
- I've been eatin' 'em.
501
00:19:05,854 --> 00:19:07,813
All of them?
Those are fucking expensive!
502
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,566
Enough with
the goddamn lipstick.
503
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:11,617
Ah!
504
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,780
Goodbye, my Sweet Pamela.
505
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,075
- [whirring]
- [grunts]
506
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,118
[growls]
507
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,036
- [pops]
- [screaming]
508
00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:24,288
[screaming continues]
509
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:26,457
- [Poison Ivy] Ah!
- [both grunting]
510
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:28,125
[screaming continues]
511
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,168
[explosion]
512
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:30,210
[Poison Ivy] Wha-
513
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,920
Oh, my God. Are you good?
514
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,130
No.
515
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,840
I'm fuckin' great.
516
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,216
[coughing]
517
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,677
The fuck, Frank?
They discontinued that one.
518
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,137
- [saw whirring]
- [screaming]
519
00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,222
[whirring continues]
520
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:43,557
[Harley screams, grunts]
521
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:44,808
- [grunts]
- [Floronic Man] You!
522
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:49,563
You psychotic, clown,
skank bitch!
523
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:50,814
Rude.
524
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,358
I liked you better
when you were unconscious.
525
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:54,568
- [whirring]
- [screaming]
526
00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:57,071
- [grunts] Timber!
- [Floronic Man groans]
527
00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:58,822
I have always wanted
to say that.
528
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,617
[growling]
529
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:06,455
Why. Won't. You.
Just. Die. Already?
530
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:08,999
- [saw whirring]
- [groaning]
531
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,501
[squelching]
532
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,378
Ew!
533
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,171
- Are you dead?
- [Floronic Man groans]
534
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:15,130
Oh, you're dead.
535
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,007
[gasping, grunts]
536
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,509
[panting]
537
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:20,387
- [Harley] Ives? Ivy?
- [gasps]
538
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,391
Holy shit, Harls.
539
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,850
[tender music playing]
540
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:27,726
You saved me.
541
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,520
Well, of course, I did. [sighs]
542
00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,647
Listen, I'm so sorry I made
this whole thing about me.
543
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,399
When you didn't tell me
about Jason,
544
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,359
it just got to me, 'cause
you shouldn't hide things
545
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,360
from the people you love.
546
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:38,362
No. You're right, Harls.
547
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,114
I should've told you
everything.
548
00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:41,990
And I realize that this...
549
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,451
This isn't something
that I could just,
550
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,829
you know, sweep under the rug.
551
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:47,996
[sighs]
552
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,540
Well, good news is
we have plenty of wood
553
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:51,125
for the bedroom fireplace.
554
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,710
It is actually electric.
555
00:20:52,711 --> 00:20:54,920
Just 'cause of, um,
the carbon footprint.
556
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,046
But, yes.
557
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,381
- [kissing]
- [door slams]
558
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,008
- Huh?
- Whoa. Whoa.
559
00:20:59,009 --> 00:21:01,218
Look, assholes, I don't know
what you think you're doing,
560
00:21:01,219 --> 00:21:02,720
but he was the bad guy.
561
00:21:02,721 --> 00:21:04,555
Yeah, where were you
ten minutes ago?
562
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:07,057
We did your job for you.
You're welcome.
563
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,852
Are you guys gonna move
or are you gonna- Wha-
564
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:12,063
[whirring]
565
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:18,318
- [warbling]
- [both grunting]
566
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,737
[warbling]
567
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:23,866
- What the shit?
- Where the hell are we?
568
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:28,454
What are we going to do
with them, Koko?
569
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,247
[chittering]
570
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:31,458
Indeed.
571
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:34,878
[theme music playing]
572
00:21:34,928 --> 00:21:39,478
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