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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,343 That has been, really, a difficult thing for me. 2 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:12,763 My mother has always been a very difficult person all her life. 3 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:16,642 Very unhappy. I can never remember my mother being happy. 4 00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:21,104 And as she gets older, however she was as a young person, 5 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:24,483 I find it's just now exaggerated and, uh... 6 00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:29,821 so, she's, uh, 83 and now very extremely negative, 7 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:34,201 very extremely unhappy, and, uh... that has been hard for me... 8 00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:06,233 Hello, audience. 9 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,069 Thank you for coming. 10 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:12,864 You are here because you want to laugh... 11 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:16,326 and you want to forget about your problems. 12 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,745 But I cannot allow it. 13 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:21,707 You should not laugh. 14 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:25,585 You should not forget about your problems. 15 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,880 The world is not funny. 16 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,634 - We are all dying. 17 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,845 The world is not funny. 18 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,806 Twelve percent of the world's population 19 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:40,976 does not have access to clean drinking water. 20 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,187 The world is not funny. 21 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,232 Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. 22 00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:50,235 - The world is not funny. 23 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:56,575 So then... now that we understand the context, 24 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,911 now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is... 25 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:02,205 let's do this. 26 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,547 Entertainers are not here to help you. 27 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,507 They are here to control you. 28 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:15,052 - Never listen to them. 29 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,638 Never give them what they want. 30 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:24,269 And most importantly, never make some fucking noise! 31 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,752 ♪ Ladies! ♪ 32 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,421 ♪ Ladies, if you feel me Say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 33 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,714 Hell, yeah! 34 00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:56,468 ♪ Fellas! Come on, fellas If you feel me, say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 35 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,719 Hell, yeah! 36 00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:01,556 ♪ Virgins, if you haven't felt a person Say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 37 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:02,724 Hell, yeah! 38 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:06,645 ♪ If you can divide by zero Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 39 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:07,729 Hell, yeah! 40 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,190 No, you can't. 41 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,651 Mathematically impossible. Listen. 42 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,945 Don't be Pavlovian. I'm looking for actual answers here. 43 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,073 Trying to gather information. Let's go. 44 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:21,660 ♪ If you like drinking booze Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 45 00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:22,994 Hell, yeah! 46 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:26,665 ♪ If you like smoking weed Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!" ♪ 47 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,125 Hell, yeah! 48 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,836 Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers. 49 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,088 Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground! 50 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,132 - Pot is ruining America. - Where's the weed? 51 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,591 Where's the weed? 52 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,260 Yeah, we got a room full of potheads. 53 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,636 We're gonna need backup. Over. 54 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,721 Psych! 55 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,222 ♪ If you don't give a fuck About the law ♪ 56 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,433 ♪ Let me hear you say "Fuck the police" ♪ 57 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:45,517 Fuck the police. 58 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,978 ♪ If that seems oversimplified to you Let me hear you say ♪ 59 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,564 ♪ "It's a really tough job And they're doing their best" ♪ 60 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,608 ♪ If you know nothing about the conflict Between Israel and Palestine ♪ 61 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,277 ♪ And thus feel super uncomfortable ♪ 62 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,778 ♪ Weighing in on it Til you've read about it ♪ 63 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,656 ♪ Let me hear you say "No comment" ♪ 64 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,782 No comment! 65 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,952 Good call. I have no idea what's going on over there. 66 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,288 What are they fighting about? 67 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,708 They have similar hats. 68 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,502 ♪ If you want to start the show ♪ 69 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,880 ♪ Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah" Come on ♪ 70 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,465 Hell, yeah! 71 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,091 ♪ If my name's Bo... ♪ 72 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:21,970 Whoops. 73 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,264 I think you're done with this call and response shit. 74 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,767 That's what I thought. 75 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,977 If you want me to get introspective, 76 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:31,605 let's get introspective. 77 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,941 ♪ I can't wrap my mind around Exactly why I'm here ♪ 78 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,320 ♪ I know you paid money I should be funny ♪ 79 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,698 ♪ Other than that Don't know why I'm here ♪ 80 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,659 ♪ To make you laugh, right? That's only half-right ♪ 81 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:47,913 ♪ Look at the world I don't know why I'm here ♪ 82 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,124 ♪ All this laughter can't Feed starving Africans ♪ 83 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:56,755 ♪ I just hope I don't Get more from this than you do ♪ 84 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:02,761 ♪ I would love to tell you That everything is fine ♪ 85 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,473 ♪ You wanna be happy ♪ 86 00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:09,100 ♪ Well, get in line ♪ 87 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:12,938 ♪ Yeah, this is almost Musically incoherent at this point ♪ 88 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,941 ♪ Y'all ain't never seen a comedy show Like this in your fucking life ♪ 89 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,317 ♪ And for good reason ♪ 90 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,195 - ♪ It gets old after a few minutes ♪ 91 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:21,530 ♪ You'll see ♪ 92 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,037 ♪ Let's get this show going ♪ 93 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,331 ♪ Let's get this show started Okay ♪ 94 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:33,917 ♪ One, two, three, four ♪ 95 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,086 So I was at the dentist the other day... 96 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,421 Yeah. 97 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,056 And nothing funny happened, 98 00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,141 so I was like, "Don't mention that on stage." 99 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,645 I already fucked it up. 100 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,067 No, you fucking don't. 101 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,027 You do not. 102 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,988 Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. 103 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,656 You need to reject both sides of the spectrum 104 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:08,285 to leave a... healthy middle. 105 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,956 Stop participating. 106 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,542 Not a participatory thing going on up here. 107 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,503 Trying to immortalize something I've worked on for a long time. 108 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:19,838 Shut up! 109 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,508 I have not... 110 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,761 made my mind up about... 111 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,557 masturbation. It's weird and I'm torn. 112 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,018 You know, 'cause on one hand, it feels good. 113 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,704 Did you not think I was gonna use it, idiots? 114 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,040 It's not a prop. 115 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,752 It will be used intermittently. 116 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,299 Guys... I've got a lot of problems in my life. 117 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,426 I wrote a song about some of the problems in my life. 118 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,720 I hope that some of you can relate to it. Here we go. 119 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:30,283 ♪ Walking around I got no one to talk to ♪ 120 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,036 ♪ There's everyone ♪ 121 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:36,164 ♪ And then there's just me ♪ 122 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:42,045 ♪ If I could change Don't you think that I'd do it ♪ 123 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:47,425 ♪ God only knows Why he cursed me to be ♪ 124 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:51,096 ♪ A straight white man ♪ 125 00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,058 ♪ I state my problems ♪ 126 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:59,145 ♪ Other people roll their eyes ♪ 127 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,106 ♪ Three trips to the mall ♪ 128 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:05,193 ♪ Zero khakis in my size ♪ 129 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:11,241 ♪ I've never been the victim Of a random search for drugs ♪ 130 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,119 ♪ But you can't say My life is easy ♪ 131 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,747 ♪ Until you've walked a mile in my Uggs ♪ 132 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:25,296 ♪ Straight white man ♪ 133 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:29,676 ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ 134 00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,346 ♪ The women want rights ♪ 135 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:36,891 ♪ The gays want kids ♪ 136 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:39,728 What? 137 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,230 ♪ Can't you just leave us alone? ♪ 138 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:44,983 ♪ And also "No" to the things you asked for ♪ 139 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,364 They're being greedy and they know it, okay? 140 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:14,304 ♪ Everyone thinks that I've got it easy ♪ 141 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:17,140 ♪ And just 'cause it's true ♪ 142 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,893 ♪ Doesn't mean that it's right ♪ 143 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,187 ♪ So pull up a chair ♪ 144 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,190 ♪ And put down your pitchforks ♪ 145 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,150 ♪ Give me a chance ♪ 146 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,736 ♪ To show you what it is like ♪ 147 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:34,532 ♪ To be a straight white man ♪ 148 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:40,914 ♪ The churches never made me Feel ashamed of who I am ♪ 149 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:47,545 ♪ But I get emails from Zappos That Gmail doesn't mark as spam ♪ 150 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:53,802 ♪ My country's constitution Was handwritten by my race ♪ 151 00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:57,597 ♪ But my wife bought me The brand new iPhone ♪ 152 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,849 ♪ With an iPod Touch's case ♪ 153 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,768 Case doesn't fit that phone. 154 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:08,191 ♪ Straight white man ♪ 155 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:13,780 ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ 156 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,324 ♪ The women want rights ♪ 157 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,911 ♪ The blacks want Not to be called "the blacks" ♪ 158 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,747 Sorry. 159 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,958 ♪ Can't you just leave us alone? ♪ 160 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,585 ♪ Also, "no" to the things you asked for ♪ 161 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,088 ♪ No ♪ 162 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:58,491 ♪ Straight white man ♪ 163 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:04,873 ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ 164 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,500 ♪ The women want rights ♪ 165 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,170 ♪ The African Amer-- ♪ It doesn't work with the rhythm. 166 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,551 ♪ We used to have all the money and land ♪ 167 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,596 ♪ And we still do But it's not as fun now ♪ 168 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,282 Thank you. 169 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,209 If you were offended by that, it was ironic. 170 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,253 Isn't that fun? I meant the whole opposite of it. 171 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,130 White guys, it's easy to be a white guy. 172 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:59,802 Yeah, white guy, we deserve a... cheer once in a while. 173 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,098 Very easy to be a white guy. Very easy. 174 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:06,100 But white guys get a lot of shit and it's not fair, 175 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,769 'cause we've done a lot of things, you know? 176 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,312 We invented a lot of stuff. 177 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,982 White guys invented everything but peanut butter, I believe. 178 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,194 That's what I was taught in school. Everything but peanut butter. 179 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,113 Doesn't sound right, but the American educational system 180 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:20,281 having a racial bias? 181 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:21,991 No way, Joseph. 182 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,995 Guys, white... white people are a little uncomfortable. 183 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,872 We'll do a racial joke about the white people 184 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:30,166 so you don't feel uncomfortable. 185 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,085 White people, we like the same foods. 186 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,671 Favorite sandwich, peanut butter and... 187 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,089 - Jelly! - ...jelly. 188 00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,174 - Macaroni and... - Cheese! 189 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,551 Our favorite chips, salt and vi... 190 00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,136 - ...negar! - Wow! 191 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,013 Who said it? 192 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,642 Get the cameras on them. 193 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,520 Your grandkids are gonna see this, 194 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,648 know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were. 195 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,900 Every non-white person, see who said that, 196 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,652 find them after the show. 197 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,864 Put the lights down. Their faces creep me out. 198 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,880 Guys, I'm not "perfect," okay? 199 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:21,300 I don't "use air quotes correctly," all right? 200 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,971 But I am against double standards across the board. 201 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:26,931 Why is it... 202 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,600 that when a woman wears revealing clothing, 203 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,060 she's labeled a slut, 204 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,563 yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, 205 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,023 I'm a murderer? 206 00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:36,816 What? 207 00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,278 If I fuck a kid, I'm a pedophile, 208 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:43,406 but if a kid fucks me, I'm the pedophile again? 209 00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,242 Twice in a week? What is this? 210 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,493 Hey, Bo. 211 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:48,995 Do you want to sing a song with us? 212 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,664 -Okay. -Great! 213 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,791 -I don't know the words, though. -That's all right. 214 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,210 -You'll figure it out. -All right! 215 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,755 -Whoo! -♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ 216 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,590 -What? -♪ You're a faggot ♪ 217 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,567 Wasn't clever, it was just mean. 218 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,071 Bigoted. I apologize for that. 219 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,656 So I was interrupted the other day while my-- 220 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:26,741 - Hey, Bo. - Motherfucker. 221 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,618 -You want to sing another song together? -I really don't. 222 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,286 -Too bad. -God damn it. 223 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,746 ♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ 224 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,122 -I'm a faggot. -Correct! 225 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,207 It's not funny. 226 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,085 ♪ You're a faggot, you're a faggot You're a fucking faggot ♪ 227 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,503 ♪ You're a faggot, you're a fucking... ♪ 228 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,796 Can you turn the lights off at least? 229 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,298 ♪ You're a faggot, you're a faggot You're a fucking faggot... ♪ 230 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,301 Is this funny to you people? Turn it off. Turn the track off! 231 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,888 Why was it on a record player? 232 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:52,683 You got a record player back there? You have hooked up a record player? 233 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,946 You know, it's one thing to make that, 234 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,408 but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, all right? 235 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,494 It's gonna outlive me. 236 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,871 Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived and executed 237 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,039 the entirety of that bit. 238 00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,750 Do not give those dumb fucks any credit. 239 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,752 It's all me, baby. All me. 240 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,047 Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats. 241 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,800 Bam! Too late. Too late. 242 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,052 How dare you make that joke so late? 243 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:34,559 I'm a big fan of hip-hop. 244 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,311 'Cause I like words. I like poetry. 245 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,897 And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things 246 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,023 into a short amount of time. 247 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,568 There are artists that still do that. Uh... 248 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,945 Yeah, Kendrick Lamar, very word-heavy, very poetic. But-- 249 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,029 What are you doing? 250 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,114 Look, this is my show. 251 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,533 Do not veer credit to people outside this building. 252 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,871 Most... most... 253 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,999 Hip-hop artists, for me, and it is for me, hip-hop, 254 00:15:58,082 --> 00:16:02,336 has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism. 255 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:07,383 It's where you make a sick beat and then you rap anything over it. 256 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,759 And people lose their minds. 257 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:11,095 I'll give you an example. Is there a sick beat back there for me? 258 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,139 Oh, shit! 259 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,520 ♪ I am not one of you ♪ 260 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,523 ♪ I am not a human being ♪ 261 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,817 ♪ You know what I am? ♪ 262 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,778 ♪ I'm a little teapot Short and stout ♪ 263 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:31,449 ♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪ 264 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:34,410 ♪ When I get all steamed up Then I shout ♪ 265 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,787 ♪ Sing it Tip me over and... ♪ 266 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,581 - Pour me out! - Let's go. 267 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,959 ♪ Pour me out Pour me out ♪ 268 00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:44,545 ♪ Tip me over And pour me out ♪ 269 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:47,048 ♪ Nigga, pour me out ♪ 270 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,883 ♪ Pour me out ♪ 271 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,886 -♪ Tip me over and pour me out ♪ -Okay. 272 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:55,640 ♪ Baa, baa, black sheep Have you any wool? ♪ 273 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:59,143 ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪ 274 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:02,647 ♪ One for the master, one for the dame ♪ 275 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,358 ♪ One for the little boy That's livin' down the lane ♪ 276 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,068 - ♪ Baa ♪ - ♪ Lives down the lane ♪ 277 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,778 -♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ Lives down the lane ♪ 278 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,697 Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? 279 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,742 Who signed this boy's lease? 280 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,828 Am I the only one concerned for this little boy? 281 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,914 Two examples is enough. 282 00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:21,249 Okay, thank you. 283 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:36,180 A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses. 284 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,685 And a better comedian wouldn't have done it all. 285 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,479 I'm right in the sweet spot. 286 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,775 These, uh... 287 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:52,321 These cannons cost $200, just for that joke. 288 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,783 I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day, 289 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,327 and I don't do that very often. 290 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,663 That is my first decision every morning. 291 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,543 Not today. Nah. I'll do that tomorrow. 292 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,878 Tomorrow comes and it's still today. 293 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,798 Tomorrow's a relative term. We're not getting there. 294 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,842 Makes Annie more depressing. 295 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,519 Fuck you. 296 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,146 You don't know where I'm going. Don't act like it. 297 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,480 You are not ahead of me. 298 00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,483 I will retain the element of surprise. 299 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,115 I'm trying to work on my improv. 300 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,994 My show is very planned, uh, to the word. 301 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,621 You know, to the gesture. 302 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,748 And I'm trying to break out of that. 303 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,543 I want to make something brand new for every show, 304 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,128 that only a few people get to experience. 305 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,880 -What's your name, man? -Rob. 306 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,131 Rob? All right. 307 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,883 I'm gonna try to make up a song about Rob... 308 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,553 off the top of my head. This might not work. 309 00:18:57,637 --> 00:19:00,389 Um, it's just... It's to keep me sharp, trying to... 310 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,016 I'm stalling, trying to think of rhymes for Rob. 311 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,684 It's not fair. Okay. 312 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,269 Song about Rob. Hit the track. 313 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:08,522 Fuck. 314 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,692 ♪ Bo had sex with... ♪ 315 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:12,985 -♪ Rob's... ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ 316 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,278 ♪ Bo had sex with... ♪ 317 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,738 -♪ Rob's... ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ 318 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,531 Bo, I heard you had sex with older woman last night. 319 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:18,949 I did. 320 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,242 -What's her son's name? -Rob, he's right there. 321 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,453 -I fucked his mother. -♪ Bo had sex with... ♪ 322 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,704 -♪ Rob's... ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ 323 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:24,789 ♪ Bo had sex with... ♪ 324 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:25,915 -♪ Rob's... ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ 325 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,751 ♪ I fucked her for an hour Then left when I was done ♪ 326 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,295 ♪ 'Cause fucking is her game And Rob is her son ♪ 327 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,507 Did we plan that? We did not plan that. 328 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:37,134 How does he do it? 329 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,970 How does he pretend to do it? How does he remain contrived? 330 00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:42,598 I'm not... I'm not honest for a second up here! 331 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,893 Honesty is for the birds, baby. 332 00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:50,690 You want an honest comedian, go see the rest of them, all right? 333 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,484 "This thing actually happened." 334 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,653 Cool. 335 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,828 - Whoo! - Boy, oh, boy. 336 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,997 Any big fans of country music out there? 337 00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:09,458 Yeah. 338 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,545 Ooh, some people extending my name. "Boo," that's also approval. 339 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,255 Uh, I think... 340 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,006 I think country music... 341 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,759 gets a bad rep. 342 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,011 You know, why is it that when Bruce Springsteen 343 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,389 sings about a fucking turnpike it is art, 344 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,307 and then when someone sings about a horse, 345 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,643 - it's dumb inherently? - I don't think... 346 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,354 I think some of the greatest songwriters of all time are country artists. 347 00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:32,273 Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson... You know? 348 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,608 And if you're writing honestly, that is art. 349 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:37,153 And I would never bash that. Um, the problem is... 350 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:42,742 with a lot of modern country music, what is called stadium country music, 351 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:45,745 the sort of Keith Urban brand of country music, 352 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,872 is that it is not honest. 353 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,374 It is the exact opposite of honest. 354 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,668 Where instead of people actually telling their stories, 355 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,754 you got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals 356 00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:56,630 who've never done a hard day's work in their life, 357 00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,009 but they figured out the words and the phrases they can use 358 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,427 to pander to their audience, 359 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,929 and they list the same words and phrases off, 360 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,223 sort of mad-lib style in every song, 361 00:21:06,307 --> 00:21:10,227 raking in millions of dollars from actual working-class people. 362 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:11,854 You know the words. You know the phrases. 363 00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:13,105 Phrases like... 364 00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,151 ♪ A dirt road, a cold beer ♪ 365 00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:20,279 ♪ A blue jeans, a red pickup ♪ 366 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:23,574 ♪ A rural noun, simple adjective ♪ 367 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:29,163 ♪ No shoes, no shirt ♪ 368 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:32,541 ♪ No Jews You didn't hear that ♪ 369 00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:36,629 Sort of a mental typo. 370 00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:41,258 ♪ I walk and talk like a field hand ♪ 371 00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,678 ♪ But the boots I'm wearing Cost three grand ♪ 372 00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:47,973 ♪ I write songs about riding tractors ♪ 373 00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:49,809 ♪ From the comfort of a private jet ♪ 374 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:53,062 ♪ I could sing in Mandarin ♪ 375 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,106 ♪ You'd still know I'm pandering ♪ 376 00:21:56,190 --> 00:21:58,943 ♪ Hunting deer, chasing trout ♪ 377 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,946 ♪ A Bud Light with the logo facing out ♪ 378 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:05,282 ♪ Hear that subtle mandolin ♪ 379 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:08,494 ♪ That's textbook pandering ♪ 380 00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:11,497 ♪ I own a private ranch That I rarely use ♪ 381 00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:13,916 I don't like dirt. 382 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:16,961 One verse, one chorus in the bag. 383 00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:19,505 Now it's time to talk to the ladies. 384 00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:24,927 I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets all these rape-y vibes I'm putting out. 385 00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:28,847 ♪ Good girl in a straw hat ♪ 386 00:22:28,931 --> 00:22:32,601 ♪ With her arms out in a cornfield ♪ 387 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,770 ♪ That is a scarecrow ♪ 388 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,107 Thought it was a human woman. Sorry. 389 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,151 ♪ A cold night, a cold beer ♪ 390 00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:44,488 ♪ A cold jeans Strike that last one ♪ 391 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:47,950 ♪ I'm wanting you I hope you're feeling me ♪ 392 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,160 Subtextually. 393 00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:53,747 ♪ We go to bed You doze off ♪ 394 00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,458 ♪ So I take your country girl Clothes off ♪ 395 00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,794 ♪ I put my hands on your body ♪ 396 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:01,797 ♪ It feels like hay It's a fucking scarecrow again ♪ 397 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,883 ♪ Like Mike's Evander-ing ♪ 398 00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:08,012 ♪ Fuck your ears, I'm pandering ♪ 399 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:10,639 ♪ I write songs for the people who do ♪ 400 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:13,892 ♪ Jobs in the towns That I'd never move to ♪ 401 00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:17,187 ♪ Legalize gerrymandering ♪ 402 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:20,107 ♪ Tolerate my pandering ♪ 403 00:23:20,190 --> 00:23:21,775 ♪ You got a beautiful mouth ♪ 404 00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:23,277 ♪ I got a beautiful... ♪ 405 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,738 Y'all dumb motherfuckers want a key change? 406 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:28,616 ♪ Thematically meandering ♪ 407 00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:32,077 ♪ Emphatically pandering ♪ 408 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,872 ♪ I got a tight grip on my demo's balls ♪ 409 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:38,417 ♪ Say the word "truck" They jizz in their overalls ♪ 410 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,502 ♪ You don't know what land you're in ♪ 411 00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:44,423 ♪ I'm in the land of pandering ♪ 412 00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:46,091 ♪ And I'll be upfront ♪ 413 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:53,390 ♪ I do what I do 'Cause I'm a total fucking country boy ♪ 414 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:09,782 You know, like, that genre. 415 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:11,867 They're lying to you. That's all. 416 00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:13,702 They're lying... 417 00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:16,330 Entertainers, they are lying and they are manipulating you. 418 00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:19,625 And it's not in a good way. It's like advertising. You deserve better. 419 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:20,834 I'm not saying I'm it, 420 00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:22,252 but I'm the guy that says you deserve better. 421 00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:25,297 You go get better. You say, "Thank you, weird man. Bye." 422 00:24:28,425 --> 00:24:30,969 Anyone watch celebrity lip-syncing on The Tonight Show, you know? 423 00:24:31,053 --> 00:24:33,514 It's the end of culture. 424 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:36,141 Culture's over, everybody. We lost. 425 00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:40,688 This is entertainment. How is this entertainment? 426 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,064 People we've seen too much of 427 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,858 mouthing along to songs we've heard too much of. 428 00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:47,236 And this the bread and butter of American television. 429 00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:49,822 And it's always one of two things on celebrity lip-syncing. 430 00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:53,492 It's either a male celebrity lip-syncing to a woman's song... 431 00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,577 "But he's not..." 432 00:24:55,661 --> 00:25:00,666 Or it's a rich, young white actress 433 00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:03,961 ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song. 434 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,422 ♪ Fuck the police Coming straight from the underground ♪ 435 00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:07,506 Can you believe this song 436 00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:11,093 was once an honest articulation of class struggle? 437 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,386 Fuck these people. 438 00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:14,221 How dare they think that them fucking around 439 00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:15,931 is worthy of your attention? 440 00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:18,809 Them playing Pictionary? Your attention's a valuable thing. 441 00:25:18,892 --> 00:25:21,311 I worked for three years to get it for an hour. 442 00:25:21,395 --> 00:25:22,438 And I barely get there. 443 00:25:23,856 --> 00:25:26,066 See? 444 00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,195 I saw a gorgeous... 445 00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:34,491 dick. I was in the public restroom. 446 00:25:34,575 --> 00:25:35,868 Some guys might be like me. 447 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,870 I cannot use a urinal when there's a guy beside me. 448 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,621 I freeze up. So I have to use the stalls. 449 00:25:39,705 --> 00:25:43,000 In this case, all the stalls were taken. I had to use a urinal. 450 00:25:43,083 --> 00:25:45,878 There was a guy beside me. I took a little look. 451 00:25:48,130 --> 00:25:49,757 You're not picturing this. All right. 452 00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:25,209 The bit is over. I'm not talking into his dick now. 453 00:26:25,292 --> 00:26:26,710 I didn't rip off his dick. 454 00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:29,546 And I'm now not talking into a severed dick. 455 00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:31,965 The show is a series of discrete bits. 456 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:34,760 That one's over. 457 00:26:35,761 --> 00:26:38,263 God, if you don't get that... 458 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:53,570 Reset the momentum. 459 00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:55,823 I cannot be coasting off the inertia of past jokes. 460 00:26:57,783 --> 00:26:59,076 Need to earn it. 461 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:01,954 Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh? 462 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:08,919 We all want love. 463 00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:13,674 How many single ladies out there looking for love tonight? 464 00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:16,468 Whoo! 465 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:19,555 Yeah. "Whoo" that sadness out. 466 00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,432 There's more where that came from. 467 00:27:25,143 --> 00:27:26,895 Ladies, I know what you want. 468 00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:29,481 Want. 469 00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:31,859 Want. 470 00:27:33,986 --> 00:27:36,363 ♪ You want a guy that's sweet A guy that's tough ♪ 471 00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:38,782 ♪ A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ♪ 472 00:27:38,866 --> 00:27:40,325 ♪ The kinda guy that gets Along with your friends ♪ 473 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,911 ♪ Without being attracted to any of them ♪ 474 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,622 ♪ A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ♪ 475 00:27:45,706 --> 00:27:47,583 ♪ A half-good, half-bad half-boy ♪ 476 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,418 ♪ Loves your brother Sensitive but not weak ♪ 477 00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:52,254 ♪ And is a great lover Calls your mother on the weekend ♪ 478 00:27:52,337 --> 00:27:58,260 ♪ Though you might think That this guy only exists in your mind ♪ 479 00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,762 ♪ But guess what? ♪ 480 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:02,514 ♪ You're right ♪ 481 00:28:02,598 --> 00:28:04,808 ♪ If you want love ♪ 482 00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:08,520 ♪ Lower your expectations a few ♪ 483 00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:11,440 ♪ Because Prince Charming Would never settle for you ♪ 484 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,943 ♪ If you want love ♪ 485 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:17,446 ♪ Just pick a guy and love him ♪ 486 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,114 ♪ And if he's got a thing for feet ♪ 487 00:28:19,197 --> 00:28:21,241 ♪ Say fuck it, sweep me off them ♪ 488 00:28:21,325 --> 00:28:22,367 Now... 489 00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:25,370 the good thing is that, uh... 490 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:30,292 At least men have very realistic expectations for women... 491 00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:36,048 he said, sarcastically setting up a second verse in a comedy song. 492 00:28:38,592 --> 00:28:41,053 ♪ You want a girl that's nice A girl that's not ♪ 493 00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:43,222 ♪ Obsessed with her looks But is insanely hot ♪ 494 00:28:43,305 --> 00:28:45,057 ♪ The kind of girl that you can Show to your folks ♪ 495 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:47,893 ♪ Loves the movies that you like And always laughs at your jokes ♪ 496 00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,978 ♪ A real girl, a hot girl, A really hot girl ♪ 497 00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:52,147 ♪ A brand new really hot real doll ♪ 498 00:28:52,231 --> 00:28:54,274 ♪ Wants to impress you Doesn't care if you notice ♪ 499 00:28:54,358 --> 00:28:57,277 ♪ And only ever uses you To tickle her throat with ♪ 500 00:28:57,361 --> 00:29:02,783 ♪ Though you might think that this girl Only exists in your mind ♪ 501 00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:07,371 ♪ But she's real But last week, she died ♪ 502 00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:10,332 ♪ If you want love ♪ 503 00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:13,043 ♪ Lower your expectations a lot ♪ 504 00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:16,463 ♪ You might think your dick is a gift I promise it's not ♪ 505 00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:19,466 - ♪ If you want love ♪ 506 00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:21,510 ♪ Just pick a girl and love her ♪ 507 00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:25,806 ♪ Then whip out your dick and Let the girl you love decline the offer ♪ 508 00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:28,809 ♪ I don't want a neat freak I don't want a slob ♪ 509 00:29:28,892 --> 00:29:31,186 ♪ Somebody with bedhead And a dead-end job ♪ 510 00:29:31,270 --> 00:29:34,815 ♪ 'Cause I won't settle for less ♪ 511 00:29:34,898 --> 00:29:36,316 ♪ Than perfect ♪ 512 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,319 ♪ We want perfect children A perfect life ♪ 513 00:29:39,403 --> 00:29:42,322 ♪ Perfect husband or a perfect wife ♪ 514 00:29:42,406 --> 00:29:44,366 ♪ But deep down, we know ♪ 515 00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:46,827 ♪ We don't deserve it ♪ 516 00:29:50,330 --> 00:29:51,331 ♪ But ♪ 517 00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:58,755 ♪ We all deserve love ♪ 518 00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:02,217 ♪ Even on the days When we aren't our best ♪ 519 00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:03,719 ♪ 'Cause we all suck ♪ 520 00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:06,221 ♪ But love can make us suck less ♪ 521 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:10,434 ♪ We all deserve love ♪ 522 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:14,146 ♪ It's the very best part of being alive ♪ 523 00:30:15,230 --> 00:30:20,360 ♪ And I would know I just turned 25 ♪ 524 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:23,655 That's young. 525 00:31:00,025 --> 00:31:02,152 Original does not mean good. 526 00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:05,572 Anyone can do anything. 527 00:31:06,782 --> 00:31:08,033 Don't let me off the hook too easy. 528 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:11,328 ♪ War, huh, good God, y'all ♪ 529 00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:13,455 ♪ What is it good for? ♪ 530 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,499 ♪ Increasing domestic manufacturing ♪ 531 00:31:15,582 --> 00:31:17,959 All right. Uh... 532 00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:19,086 I don't want to get political 533 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:22,464 'cause I only know my own ideas of other people's ideas. 534 00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:26,885 We just played in Alabama. They just like the lights. 535 00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:29,930 I didn't even need to do jokes. 536 00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:32,474 "Motherfucker's got moving candles." 537 00:31:32,557 --> 00:31:35,852 No, not quite. 538 00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:39,022 Alabama was actually nice. You're elitist pricks. 539 00:31:39,106 --> 00:31:40,982 Isn't that fun? 540 00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:48,073 Yeah, you like that. 541 00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:56,248 And now... 542 00:31:56,331 --> 00:32:00,252 what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like 543 00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:03,088 when you're high on marijuana. 544 00:33:00,103 --> 00:33:01,855 And now... 545 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:05,275 what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like... 546 00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:07,944 when you're shit-faced. 547 00:34:24,813 --> 00:34:26,773 Hey, baby, I'm home. 548 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:32,571 - Honey, you okay? What's wrong? 549 00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:33,905 Are you drunk? 550 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:35,532 Have you been... You've been drinking, haven't you? 551 00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:37,617 You've been fuck... You're fucking wasted, aren't... 552 00:34:37,701 --> 00:34:38,702 - I can't hear you. 553 00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:40,870 Speak into the microphone. 554 00:34:40,954 --> 00:34:42,122 I'm not. 555 00:34:42,205 --> 00:34:44,541 What's behind your back? What're you holding behind your back? 556 00:34:44,624 --> 00:34:45,625 -Itching. -Just... 557 00:34:45,709 --> 00:34:47,836 -Just don't be-- -Itchy back. 558 00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:50,171 What is... what're you hiding behind your back? Just show me. 559 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:53,133 It's a jar of peanut butter, all right? Sue me. 560 00:34:53,216 --> 00:34:55,719 That's mayonnaise. That is a jar of mayonnaise. 561 00:34:55,802 --> 00:34:58,263 That is not peanut butter. Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? 562 00:34:58,346 --> 00:34:59,848 Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? 563 00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,683 I'm not holding a jar of mayonnaise. 564 00:35:01,766 --> 00:35:03,226 -Touché, bitch. -You know what? 565 00:35:03,310 --> 00:35:04,519 I am fucking done with this shit, okay? 566 00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:05,687 I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. 567 00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:07,147 I had to be at work at 6:00. 568 00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:08,982 I had an exhausting day. 569 00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,026 I just wanna come home, unwind, relax, 570 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:13,903 and I come home to a mess that I have to clean up-- 571 00:35:13,987 --> 00:35:16,573 - I'll clean it up. - No, no! I will have to clean it up. 572 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:18,950 Because you'll make it worse if you try to, okay? 573 00:35:19,034 --> 00:35:20,285 -Yeah. -You know what? 574 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:21,870 I'm fucking done with this. 575 00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:22,954 -Are you? -You are so immature. 576 00:35:23,038 --> 00:35:24,414 -She's done. -I cannot leave you alone 577 00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:26,082 without you getting shit-faced. 578 00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:28,627 This is what I deal with Monday through... 579 00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:31,087 -Monday. -Who are you talking to right now? 580 00:35:32,088 --> 00:35:33,757 You just gestured to the sink. 581 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,384 -What does that mean? -There's an audience full of people. 582 00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:38,011 Okay, you know what? This bit is getting 583 00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,096 a little too weird and meta. Okay, we're done with it. 584 00:35:40,180 --> 00:35:41,556 I agree. Where's that going? 585 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,516 Sometimes you don't write an end to a bit, so you skip it. 586 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:44,976 Before they know it, you're on to the next thing. 587 00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:46,645 Guys, I was at the store recently. 588 00:35:46,728 --> 00:35:49,064 And, uh, no, I will save you time. 589 00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:52,359 I bought something. 590 00:35:54,653 --> 00:35:57,489 No, no, no, no. No. 591 00:35:57,572 --> 00:35:59,157 Sit in silence. 592 00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:03,328 Do you guys know what continuity errors are? 593 00:36:03,411 --> 00:36:05,288 It's where in one shot something's one way, 594 00:36:05,372 --> 00:36:07,082 in another shot it's another way. You know those things? 595 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,626 Anyway... 596 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,591 This comedy performance is brought to you in part by... 597 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,635 -Sorry about this. -...Flamin' Hot Cheetos. 598 00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:22,222 ♪ Flamin' Hot Cheetos ♪ 599 00:36:22,305 --> 00:36:25,100 ♪ They're like regular Cheetos But they're flamin' hot ♪ 600 00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,560 ♪ Normal Cheetos are for pussies ♪ 601 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,437 ♪ But Flamin' Cheetos are not ♪ 602 00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:31,815 ♪ For pussies, that is ♪ 603 00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:33,858 They're not sponsoring me. I'm just trying to get them to. 604 00:36:33,942 --> 00:36:37,570 They're not returning my calls. 605 00:36:39,364 --> 00:36:41,533 Evasively cheesy is more like it. 606 00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:45,704 Mmm. Label-less water. 607 00:36:47,247 --> 00:36:49,332 Nothing tastes better than not getting sued. 608 00:36:50,709 --> 00:36:51,876 I, uh... 609 00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:54,295 I don't love my fans. 610 00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,799 I have to be... I don't. You don't want that... 611 00:36:57,882 --> 00:37:01,219 You don't want that desperate, sort of cloying thing from an entertainer. 612 00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:03,555 "My fans, oh, they stick with me through everything, 613 00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,057 through thick and thin." Do not stick with me through thick. 614 00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:08,184 If I stop entertaining you, throw me to the curb. 615 00:37:08,268 --> 00:37:10,729 You wouldn't stick with your mechanic if he stopped fixing your car. 616 00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:13,523 I'm in a service industry. I'm just overpaid, okay? 617 00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:15,900 And a lot of... 618 00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:17,986 I feel a lot of artists, pop artists especially, 619 00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:19,988 sort of infringe upon... 620 00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:23,283 responsibilities that just aren't theirs, in terms of their audience, 621 00:37:23,366 --> 00:37:26,661 maintaining their audience at an emotional level. 622 00:37:26,745 --> 00:37:28,621 Some of you might be sad and going through things. 623 00:37:28,705 --> 00:37:30,498 I feel for that. Life is tough. 624 00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,959 I'm not gonna fix that with a song. 625 00:37:33,042 --> 00:37:36,254 Like "Brave" or "Roar." You know these inspirational... 626 00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:37,672 What I'm trying to say... 627 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:42,343 is don't listen to a song... like this. 628 00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:44,679 - ♪ Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ♪ 629 00:37:44,763 --> 00:37:46,765 ♪ Have you even felt two feet tall? ♪ 630 00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:47,974 ♪ Have you ever thought ♪ 631 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:50,935 ♪ "Man, if only I was anybody else at all"? ♪ 632 00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:55,440 ♪ They like to kick you When times get rough ♪ 633 00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:58,902 ♪ Then you give your all But it's not enough ♪ 634 00:37:58,985 --> 00:38:02,822 ♪ And sticks and stones Might break your bones ♪ 635 00:38:02,906 --> 00:38:07,410 ♪ But words can break your heart ♪ 636 00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:11,372 ♪ But if you don't know where to go ♪ 637 00:38:11,456 --> 00:38:15,627 ♪ I'll show you where to start ♪ 638 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:18,171 - ♪ Kill yourself ♪ 639 00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:21,299 ♪ It will only take a minute And you'll be happy that you did it ♪ 640 00:38:21,382 --> 00:38:23,927 ♪ Just go over to your oven And shove your head in it ♪ 641 00:38:24,010 --> 00:38:26,221 ♪ Kill yourself ♪ 642 00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,307 ♪ Really, you should do it There's really nothing to it ♪ 643 00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:32,185 ♪ Just grab a mug And chug a cup of lighter fluid ♪ 644 00:38:32,268 --> 00:38:34,103 Okay. Now... 645 00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:39,484 I feel like you pulled back. 646 00:38:40,777 --> 00:38:43,071 Maybe it's on account of the fact that I'm telling you 647 00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,824 to kill yourself over and over again. 648 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:47,992 I'm just trying to make a simple point. 649 00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:53,581 That these... That life's toughest problems don't have simple answers. 650 00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:55,959 You shouldn't just be brave. You shouldn't just roar. 651 00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:57,836 You shouldn't kill yourself. 652 00:38:57,919 --> 00:39:00,421 But I understand that... 653 00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:03,842 it's a sensitive subject and you're probably just hearing me say that. 654 00:39:03,925 --> 00:39:06,761 And I've dealt with... I don't want to be... Look. 655 00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:09,055 ♪ I sound un-empathetic ♪ 656 00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:10,890 ♪ I sound mean and rude ♪ 657 00:39:10,974 --> 00:39:12,642 ♪ Suicide is an epidemic ♪ 658 00:39:12,725 --> 00:39:15,311 ♪ And I don't want to be misconstrued ♪ 659 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:19,274 ♪ Signs of depression go overlooked ♪ 660 00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:21,025 ♪ So if you're depressed ♪ 661 00:39:21,109 --> 00:39:24,320 ♪ Then you need to book A therapy session ♪ 662 00:39:24,404 --> 00:39:26,573 ♪ Talk about your depression ♪ 663 00:39:26,656 --> 00:39:30,660 ♪ And let a professional hear it ♪ 664 00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:35,039 ♪ But if you search for moral wisdom ♪ 665 00:39:35,123 --> 00:39:39,335 ♪ In Katy Perry's lyrics, then ♪ 666 00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:41,963 - ♪ Kill yourself ♪ 667 00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:45,091 ♪ It won't be painful If you are able ♪ 668 00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:47,385 ♪ To give a little kiss To an oncoming train ♪ 669 00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:49,470 ♪ You'll kill yourself ♪ 670 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:51,472 ♪ It's over, mull it ♪ 671 00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:53,141 ♪ There's a trigger, pull it ♪ 672 00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:55,268 ♪ Get it through your head "It" being a bullet ♪ 673 00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,520 ♪ Stick your tongue in a plug ♪ 674 00:39:57,604 --> 00:39:59,731 ♪ Suck a pipe of exhaust ♪ 675 00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,608 ♪ Make some toast in the tub ♪ 676 00:40:01,691 --> 00:40:03,651 ♪ Nail yourself to a cross ♪ 677 00:40:03,735 --> 00:40:05,653 ♪ Hold your breath 'til it's gone ♪ 678 00:40:05,737 --> 00:40:07,822 ♪ Drink a gallon of Mace ♪ 679 00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:09,407 ♪ Be gay in Iran ♪ 680 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:12,076 - ♪ Let Oprah sit on your face ♪ 681 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,578 ♪ Jump off of a bridge ♪ 682 00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:15,330 ♪ Skinny dip in a flood ♪ 683 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,540 ♪ Skydive attached to a fridge ♪ 684 00:40:17,624 --> 00:40:19,876 ♪ Drink a Haitian guy's blood ♪ 685 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:21,544 ♪ Break into the zoo ♪ 686 00:40:21,628 --> 00:40:23,504 ♪ Give the tiger a shove ♪ 687 00:40:23,588 --> 00:40:25,673 ♪ Eat a Phillips-head screw ♪ 688 00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:29,761 - ♪ Marry Courtney Love ♪ 689 00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:31,346 Sorry. 690 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:44,233 Don't kill yourself. 691 00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:46,527 I don't like explaining jokes that... 692 00:40:46,611 --> 00:40:48,404 The joke where I tell everyone to kill themselves 693 00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:51,449 might deserve an explanation. Do not! 694 00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:55,036 And if you're offended, do not write a blog. 695 00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:58,706 I apologize immediately. Sorry! Right away! 696 00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:03,711 Whoo! 697 00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:05,463 What's that, ma'am? 698 00:41:05,546 --> 00:41:08,549 What did you say? This is your moment. Who said it? 699 00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:17,100 Do not objectify me, okay? 700 00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:19,936 You think it's okay just 'cause I'm a dude? 701 00:41:25,608 --> 00:41:27,735 You think it's okay 'cause he's a dude? 702 00:41:27,819 --> 00:41:30,279 That is homophobia. Just the fact that you find it funny. 703 00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:33,533 "Ooh, a guy said take off your pants. That's not God's way." 704 00:41:35,785 --> 00:41:37,537 Jesus Christ, you bigots. 705 00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:39,998 I, uh... 706 00:41:41,124 --> 00:41:43,960 Show's been pretty rock and roll so far. You know, I know it. 707 00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:45,628 And I... 708 00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:49,298 I'd love to keep it going, but life is not always rock and roll. 709 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:51,300 I'm not gonna keep life out of my show. 710 00:41:51,384 --> 00:41:54,137 I went through a pretty rough... 711 00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:56,347 uh, breakup recently. It was a long time coming. 712 00:41:56,431 --> 00:41:59,308 Uh, we had a lot of conversations about it, she and I. 713 00:41:59,392 --> 00:42:01,894 But recently we had the conversation... 714 00:42:01,978 --> 00:42:05,148 It wasn't recent, but I remember it like it was yesterday, you know? 715 00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:06,774 She came out of the shower, 716 00:42:06,858 --> 00:42:09,610 her hair wet, her shoulders wet. 717 00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:12,655 It was a shower. It's water. 718 00:42:14,365 --> 00:42:16,284 She turned to me and she said it... 719 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:18,786 She said... 720 00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,163 ♪ It's over ♪ 721 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:26,586 ♪ We shouldn't fight to stay together Just to fight again ♪ 722 00:42:26,669 --> 00:42:29,756 ♪ It's over We're unhappy ♪ 723 00:42:29,839 --> 00:42:33,051 ♪ We need to take a break From us to make us right again ♪ 724 00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:37,055 ♪ And even though it's not gonna go Any further ♪ 725 00:42:37,138 --> 00:42:39,932 ♪ I swear I don't regret a second of it ♪ 726 00:42:40,016 --> 00:42:42,810 ♪ And when the dust has settled ♪ 727 00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:47,565 ♪ I hope we can still be friends ♪ 728 00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:48,649 Then I said... 729 00:42:48,733 --> 00:42:50,318 ♪ Eat a dick ♪ 730 00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,986 ♪ Eat a dick ♪ 731 00:42:52,070 --> 00:42:54,197 ♪ Eat a fucking dick, like this ♪ 732 00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,991 ♪ Put on your dick-eating gloves ♪ 733 00:42:57,075 --> 00:42:59,077 ♪ Get ready to gobble a dick up ♪ 734 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:00,870 ♪ If you don't like this dick sitch ♪ 735 00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:02,455 ♪ Eat a dick, bitch ♪ 736 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,802 I think I made the right decision. 737 00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:17,470 ♪ Okay, you're angry ♪ 738 00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:20,056 ♪ I can see that ♪ 739 00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:23,726 ♪ But you don't need to make this harder Than it has to be ♪ 740 00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:25,603 ♪ I try to speak to you ♪ 741 00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:26,771 ♪ But you won't listen-- ♪ 742 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:27,939 ♪ Eat a dick ♪ 743 00:43:28,022 --> 00:43:29,357 ♪ Hold on Please just let me-- ♪ 744 00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:30,566 ♪ Eat a dick ♪ 745 00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:31,901 Oh, my God. 746 00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:33,694 ♪ Honestly, are you fucking five? ♪ 747 00:43:33,778 --> 00:43:36,155 ♪ I am trying to talk this out ♪ 748 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,534 ♪ You refuse to even listen to me ♪ 749 00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:42,078 I'm saying how I'm feeling, okay? 750 00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:46,082 And then you're saying... "eat a dick" over and over again. 751 00:43:46,165 --> 00:43:47,750 Does that seem mature to you? 752 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:50,753 ♪ No, it doesn't But see, I think the issue is ♪ 753 00:43:50,837 --> 00:43:52,088 ♪ I've got my father's temper ♪ 754 00:43:52,171 --> 00:43:53,965 ♪ And I'm emotionally inarticulate ♪ 755 00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:56,217 ♪ So rather than being honest And vulnerable ♪ 756 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:58,636 ♪ I did a quick switch Because I'm hurting inside ♪ 757 00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,972 ♪ And I'm trying to hide it So eat a dick, man ♪ 758 00:44:09,730 --> 00:44:13,985 I thought we had a future together, you fucking whore. 759 00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:17,405 ♪ I didn't think You'd cry for me ♪ 760 00:44:18,322 --> 00:44:20,992 ♪ I didn't think you cared ♪ 761 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:25,329 ♪ I thought you were Lashing out in anger ♪ 762 00:44:25,413 --> 00:44:29,709 ♪ But now I see you're scared ♪ 763 00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:31,127 ♪ I'm scared, too ♪ 764 00:44:31,210 --> 00:44:33,379 ♪ Maybe we can work this out ♪ 765 00:44:33,462 --> 00:44:34,714 ♪ And not break up ♪ 766 00:44:34,797 --> 00:44:35,923 Really? 767 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,384 ♪ No, lick my clit ♪ 768 00:44:38,467 --> 00:44:39,802 ♪ Lick my motherfucking clit ♪ 769 00:44:39,886 --> 00:44:41,554 ♪ You think three lousy tears ♪ 770 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,014 ♪ Offsets three years of shit? ♪ 771 00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,932 ♪ I deserve better than you ♪ 772 00:44:45,016 --> 00:44:46,350 ♪ Get me wetter, then screw ♪ 773 00:44:46,434 --> 00:44:48,311 ♪ Sorry you're not what I need, hun ♪ 774 00:44:48,394 --> 00:44:49,896 ♪ Lick this clit then leave, son ♪ 775 00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:03,576 Hey, if you guys are having a good time, make some silence. 776 00:45:03,659 --> 00:45:05,119 Cool. 777 00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:06,579 Uh... 778 00:45:07,622 --> 00:45:09,248 What's this show about? 779 00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:14,420 What am I talking about, you know? 780 00:45:15,630 --> 00:45:19,550 To... to summarize the show, though... Me! Me! Me! 781 00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:22,178 But... 782 00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:24,931 if you take one thing away from my show... 783 00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:27,600 I hope it's a T-shirt. We're selling them out there. 784 00:45:27,683 --> 00:45:31,228 This is all a front for the brand. 785 00:45:34,023 --> 00:45:36,734 But what is this show about? What do you think, industrial piping? 786 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,402 Close. 787 00:45:38,486 --> 00:45:39,987 Stay out of it. 788 00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:43,991 It's about... 789 00:45:46,953 --> 00:45:47,954 Mute this. 790 00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:57,880 But for real, what is it about? 791 00:46:01,926 --> 00:46:03,094 It's about... 792 00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:05,763 performing... 793 00:46:05,846 --> 00:46:07,264 I try to... 794 00:46:07,348 --> 00:46:08,766 ...make my show about other things, 795 00:46:08,849 --> 00:46:11,102 but it always ends up becoming about performing. 796 00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:14,855 I started performing very young, as a teenager, you know, professionally. 797 00:46:14,939 --> 00:46:16,857 And as a comedian, what you're supposed to do... 798 00:46:16,941 --> 00:46:18,776 You're supposed to talk about what you know. 799 00:46:18,859 --> 00:46:20,778 And what I knew always was performing. 800 00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:25,157 So to talk about... traffic or laundry 801 00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:26,742 felt incredibly disingenuous. 802 00:46:26,826 --> 00:46:32,039 But I worried that making a show about performing would be too meta. 803 00:46:32,123 --> 00:46:34,375 It wouldn't be relatable to people that aren't performers. 804 00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,962 But what I found is that I don't think anyone isn't. 805 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:40,506 Could we get the house lights up for a second? And could you... 806 00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:42,967 Let the lights on stage... Let the artifice fade away. 807 00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:46,012 Now we're all the same. 808 00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:49,974 I mean, you're all facing this way still. 809 00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:54,353 You know, I look out at... I look out at you and, um... 810 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:56,313 It's a very diverse crowd. 811 00:46:56,397 --> 00:46:58,566 I mean, more European than I would've hoped, but... 812 00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:00,401 we'll get there. 813 00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:03,904 If I look at the young people... 814 00:47:03,988 --> 00:47:06,949 You know, and I feel like... I was born in 1990 815 00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:11,203 and I was sort of raised in America when it was a cult of self-expression. 816 00:47:11,287 --> 00:47:13,789 And I was just taught, you know, express myself 817 00:47:13,873 --> 00:47:17,168 and have things to say and everyone will care about them. 818 00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:18,502 And I think everyone was taught that 819 00:47:18,586 --> 00:47:22,673 and most of us found out no one gives a shit what we think. 820 00:47:22,757 --> 00:47:25,092 So we flock to performers by the thousands 821 00:47:25,176 --> 00:47:27,303 'cause we're the few that have found an audience. 822 00:47:27,386 --> 00:47:29,680 And then I'm supposed to get up here and say, "Follow your dreams," 823 00:47:29,764 --> 00:47:32,516 as if this is a meritocracy? It is not, okay? 824 00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:36,020 I had a privileged life and I got lucky and I'm unhappy. 825 00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:41,233 They say it's... it's like the me generation. It's not. 826 00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:42,318 It's not... 827 00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:45,279 The arrogance is taught or it was cultivated. 828 00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:48,783 It's... it's self-conscious. That's what it is. It's the... 829 00:47:48,866 --> 00:47:51,702 - It's conscious of self... - Social media... 830 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:56,040 it's just the market's answer to a generation that demanded to perform. 831 00:47:56,123 --> 00:47:59,043 So the market said, "Here, perform everything 832 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:01,378 to each other all the time for no reason." 833 00:48:01,462 --> 00:48:03,130 It's prison, it's horrific. 834 00:48:03,214 --> 00:48:06,008 It is performer and audience melded together. 835 00:48:06,092 --> 00:48:08,886 What do we want more than to lie in our bed at the end of the day 836 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,722 and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member? 837 00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:15,559 I know very little about anything, but what I do know is that 838 00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:18,479 if you can live your life without an audience... 839 00:48:21,649 --> 00:48:23,984 you should do it. And now you're thinking... 840 00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:28,114 "How the fuck are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole?" 841 00:48:28,197 --> 00:48:30,241 Oh, you want me to be funny and make a point? 842 00:48:30,324 --> 00:48:32,159 Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. 843 00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:37,373 Batman. So... how do we do it? 844 00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:51,637 We do it like this. 845 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:55,349 I went to Kanye West's recent tour, the Yeezus Tour. 846 00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:57,726 It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show. 847 00:48:57,810 --> 00:48:59,854 He did something very strange at the end of his show 848 00:48:59,937 --> 00:49:02,940 where he ranted... for, like, 20 minutes. 849 00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,400 It was kind of a rant, kind of a song. 850 00:49:04,483 --> 00:49:05,860 He had auto-tune on his voice 851 00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,736 and there was an instrumental in the background... 852 00:49:07,820 --> 00:49:10,281 ...like this instrumental. 853 00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:13,659 He talked about his problems... 854 00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:15,828 race... 855 00:49:16,996 --> 00:49:18,581 power. 856 00:49:18,664 --> 00:49:21,167 His $90 T-shirts weren't selling very well. 857 00:49:21,250 --> 00:49:23,961 That was most of it. And I watched this. 858 00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:27,006 I thought maybe I could do this. 859 00:49:27,923 --> 00:49:29,300 I'll be honest, my problems 860 00:49:29,383 --> 00:49:32,761 are not as high-stakes as Kanye's, but I have problems. 861 00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:36,223 And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me. 862 00:49:36,307 --> 00:49:38,559 So as we get to the end of a night of theater... 863 00:49:38,642 --> 00:49:40,853 and comedy and sweaters coming on and off, 864 00:49:40,936 --> 00:49:42,688 I got one question for you... 865 00:49:46,567 --> 00:49:48,235 And that question is... 866 00:49:52,364 --> 00:49:57,703 ♪ Can I say my shit, New York? ♪ 867 00:49:57,786 --> 00:50:00,748 ♪ Can I say my shit? ♪ 868 00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:03,667 ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ 869 00:50:03,751 --> 00:50:07,463 ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ 870 00:50:12,968 --> 00:50:17,014 ♪ I can't fit my hand Inside a Pringle can ♪ 871 00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:21,644 ♪ I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ♪ 872 00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:23,979 ♪ I can get my hand Like four inches into the can ♪ 873 00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:26,732 ♪ But then I have to tilt the can Into my mouth ♪ 874 00:50:26,815 --> 00:50:30,819 ♪ But by that point a bunch of crumbs have Accumulated at the bottom of the can ♪ 875 00:50:30,903 --> 00:50:34,073 ♪ So they all go Spilling onto my face ♪ 876 00:50:34,156 --> 00:50:36,325 ♪ What I'm trying to say Is the diameter of Pringle cans ♪ 877 00:50:36,408 --> 00:50:38,619 ♪ Is way too small ♪ 878 00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:40,621 ♪ I'll say it again ♪ 879 00:50:40,704 --> 00:50:43,707 ♪ The diameter of Pringle cans Is way too small ♪ 880 00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:46,877 ♪ Two radiuses of a Pringle can Is way too small ♪ 881 00:50:46,961 --> 00:50:48,879 ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ 882 00:50:48,963 --> 00:50:50,005 ♪ Come on ♪ 883 00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:51,882 ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ 884 00:50:53,092 --> 00:50:55,052 ♪ Look at all these hands That are way too big ♪ 885 00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,388 ♪ To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ 886 00:50:57,471 --> 00:51:00,015 ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside of Pringle cans ♪ 887 00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:03,602 ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ 888 00:51:03,686 --> 00:51:05,187 ♪ You think you can ♪ 889 00:51:05,271 --> 00:51:07,356 ♪ I know you can't You think you can ♪ 890 00:51:07,439 --> 00:51:08,899 ♪ Pringles, listen to the people ♪ 891 00:51:08,983 --> 00:51:11,277 ♪ I'm sure 90% Of the complaint letters you get ♪ 892 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:12,903 ♪ Are about the width of your cans ♪ 893 00:51:12,987 --> 00:51:14,822 Just... make 'em wider. 894 00:51:16,782 --> 00:51:19,201 I've overdone the Pringles thing. Sorry. 895 00:51:20,577 --> 00:51:22,538 ♪ I wanna have a daughter ♪ 896 00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:25,457 ♪ Wanna have a daughter ♪ 897 00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:28,002 ♪ So I can finally have Someone around the house ♪ 898 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,920 ♪ Who can fit their hands In a Pringle can ♪ 899 00:51:30,004 --> 00:51:32,047 ♪ Yes, I'm still On the Pringle cans thing ♪ 900 00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:35,718 Yeah. I'll... I'll move on, all right? 901 00:51:36,969 --> 00:51:41,181 ♪ But that is priority numero uno ♪ 902 00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:43,934 ♪ I don't go to the gym ♪ 903 00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:46,645 ♪ 'Cause I'm self-conscious About my body ♪ 904 00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:47,980 ♪ ...body... ♪ 905 00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:50,024 ♪ But I'm self-conscious About my body ♪ 906 00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:51,650 ♪ 'Cause I don't go to the gym ♪ 907 00:51:51,734 --> 00:51:55,738 ♪ Irony can be so painful ♪ 908 00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,531 ♪ That's a catch-22 ♪ 909 00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:04,496 ♪ Let's do this ♪ 910 00:52:04,580 --> 00:52:07,541 ♪ I went to Chipotle ♪ 911 00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:10,127 ♪ Went to Chipotle ♪ 912 00:52:11,253 --> 00:52:14,131 ♪ Got myself a chicken burrito ♪ 913 00:52:15,591 --> 00:52:18,427 ♪ I went down the line I got, like, all these ingredients ♪ 914 00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:21,347 ♪ And then at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito ♪ 915 00:52:21,430 --> 00:52:23,640 ♪ But half of the shit Inside the burrito spilled out ♪ 916 00:52:23,724 --> 00:52:24,975 ♪ He still wrapped it ♪ 917 00:52:25,059 --> 00:52:26,518 ♪ I was, like "Dude, you should have warned me ♪ 918 00:52:26,602 --> 00:52:27,603 ♪ You're a burrito expert ♪ 919 00:52:27,686 --> 00:52:29,521 ♪ You should have told me Halfway through ♪ 920 00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:32,858 ♪ 'Hey, man, you might be reaching Maximum burrito capacity here' ♪ 921 00:52:32,941 --> 00:52:35,027 ♪ Do you think I want a messy burrito? ♪ 922 00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:36,904 ♪ No one wants a messy burrito" ♪ 923 00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:39,656 ♪ The whole appeal of a burrito Is that all of the ingredients ♪ 924 00:52:39,740 --> 00:52:43,327 ♪ Are contained Within the confines of the tortilla ♪ 925 00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:44,912 ♪ I wouldn't have gotten half this shit ♪ 926 00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,289 ♪ If I knew it wasn't gonna fit In the burrito, all right? Look... ♪ 927 00:52:47,373 --> 00:52:50,209 ♪ I wouldn't have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 928 00:52:50,292 --> 00:52:53,003 ♪ Wouldn't have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 929 00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:55,714 ♪ Wouldn't have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn't fit ♪ 930 00:52:55,798 --> 00:52:58,842 ♪ I wouldn't have got Half of it ♪ 931 00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:01,845 ♪ Like, I'm okay with small mistakes ♪ 932 00:53:01,929 --> 00:53:05,682 ♪ If you got no more chicken I'll take pork ♪ 933 00:53:05,766 --> 00:53:11,021 ♪ But I'll blow my dad Before I eat a burrito with a fork ♪ 934 00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:13,732 ♪ I wouldn't have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 935 00:53:13,816 --> 00:53:16,485 ♪ Wouldn't have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 936 00:53:16,568 --> 00:53:19,196 ♪ Wouldn't have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn't fit ♪ 937 00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:21,615 ♪ Man, I wouldn't have got Half of it, like ♪ 938 00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:24,451 ♪ Half of it, like Half of it, like ♪ 939 00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:26,453 ♪ Half of it, like Half of it ♪ 940 00:53:26,537 --> 00:53:29,123 ♪ Right now, I think it's time ♪ 941 00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:33,919 ♪ I think it's time That we break it down ♪ 942 00:53:55,149 --> 00:53:56,316 ♪ I can sit here and pretend ♪ 943 00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,862 ♪ Like my biggest problems Are Pringle cans ♪ 944 00:54:01,029 --> 00:54:02,906 ♪ And burritos ♪ 945 00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:06,243 ♪ The truth is My biggest problem's you ♪ 946 00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,328 ♪ I wanna please you ♪ 947 00:54:08,412 --> 00:54:10,372 ♪ But I wanna stay true to myself ♪ 948 00:54:10,456 --> 00:54:13,041 ♪ I wanna give you the night out That you deserve ♪ 949 00:54:13,125 --> 00:54:14,585 ♪ But I wanna sing what I think ♪ 950 00:54:14,668 --> 00:54:16,795 ♪ And not care What you think about it ♪ 951 00:54:16,879 --> 00:54:19,798 ♪ A part of me loves you ♪ 952 00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:22,468 ♪ A part of me hates you ♪ 953 00:54:22,551 --> 00:54:25,262 ♪ A part of me needs you ♪ 954 00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,890 ♪ A part of me fears you ♪ 955 00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:31,435 ♪ And I don't think That I can handle this right now ♪ 956 00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:33,228 ♪ Handle this right now ♪ 957 00:54:33,312 --> 00:54:38,901 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right now ♪ 958 00:54:38,984 --> 00:54:41,778 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right now ♪ 959 00:54:41,862 --> 00:54:44,198 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right ♪ 960 00:54:44,281 --> 00:54:46,950 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right ♪ 961 00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:49,536 ♪ Look at them They're just staring at me ♪ 962 00:54:49,620 --> 00:54:51,914 ♪ Like, "Come and watch The skinny kid ♪ 963 00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:56,418 ♪ With a steadily declining Mental health" ♪ 964 00:54:56,502 --> 00:55:01,381 ♪ And laugh as he attempts to give you What he cannot give himself ♪ 965 00:55:01,465 --> 00:55:03,675 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right ♪ 966 00:55:03,759 --> 00:55:06,220 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right ♪ 967 00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:08,722 ♪ But they don't even know The half of this right ♪ 968 00:55:08,805 --> 00:55:11,141 ♪ But they don't even know The half of it ♪ 969 00:55:11,225 --> 00:55:13,602 ♪ But I know I'm not a doctor ♪ 970 00:55:13,685 --> 00:55:18,065 ♪ I'm a pussy I put on a silly show ♪ 971 00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:20,609 ♪ I should probably just shut up ♪ 972 00:55:20,692 --> 00:55:23,028 ♪ And do my job So here I go ♪ 973 00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,031 ♪ I wouldn't have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 974 00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:28,951 ♪ Wouldn't have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn't fit ♪ 975 00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:31,703 ♪ Wouldn't have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn't fit ♪ 976 00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,872 ♪ I wouldn't have got half ♪ 977 00:55:33,956 --> 00:55:35,999 ♪ You can tell them anything ♪ 978 00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:40,337 ♪ If you just make it funny Make it rhyme ♪ 979 00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,631 ♪ And if they still don't understand you ♪ 980 00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:45,467 ♪ Then you'll run it one more time ♪ 981 00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,386 ♪ I don't think That I can handle this right ♪ 982 00:55:47,469 --> 00:55:48,720 ♪ Oh! ♪ 983 00:55:48,804 --> 00:55:50,180 ♪ Handle this right ♪ 984 00:55:50,264 --> 00:55:51,265 ♪ Oh! ♪ 985 00:55:51,348 --> 00:55:53,141 ♪ Handle this right ♪ 986 00:55:53,225 --> 00:55:56,770 ♪ But you don't even know The half of this right now ♪ 987 00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:59,064 ♪ Right now ♪ 988 00:55:59,147 --> 00:56:00,649 ♪ Ha! ♪ 989 00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:02,693 ♪ Now ♪ 990 00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:05,445 ♪ Handle this right Handle this right ♪ 991 00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:08,073 ♪ Handle this right now ♪ 992 00:56:08,156 --> 00:56:10,951 Thank you. Good night. I hope you're happy. 993 00:56:42,274 --> 00:56:43,734 Oh, good, it's just us. 994 00:57:02,878 --> 00:57:04,755 ♪ Now the show is done ♪ 995 00:57:07,299 --> 00:57:11,678 ♪ I hope that you had gut trembling Or something resembling fun ♪ 996 00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:14,264 ♪ And if you watch this thing alone ♪ 997 00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:16,808 ♪ You probably didn't laugh ♪ 998 00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,728 ♪ But maybe a few times You exhaled out of your nose ♪ 999 00:57:21,438 --> 00:57:23,774 ♪ But if you hated it, that's fair ♪ 1000 00:57:23,857 --> 00:57:25,609 ♪ But either way ♪ 1001 00:57:25,692 --> 00:57:29,738 ♪ Could you find a little more time For a parting questionnaire? ♪ 1002 00:57:30,656 --> 00:57:33,200 ♪ On a scale from one to zero ♪ 1003 00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:35,285 ♪ Are you happy? ♪ 1004 00:57:35,369 --> 00:57:37,204 ♪ 'Cause you're on your own from here ♪ 1005 00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:40,415 ♪ So, are you happy? ♪ 1006 00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,918 ♪ I'm open to suggestions ♪ 1007 00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:45,170 ♪ Are you happy? ♪ 1008 00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:49,257 ♪ But what the fuck kind of question is "Am I happy?" ♪ 1009 00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:53,178 ♪ I really wanna try to get happy And I think that I could get it ♪ 1010 00:57:53,261 --> 00:57:56,974 ♪ If I didn't always panic Every time I'm unhappy in life ♪ 1011 00:57:57,057 --> 00:58:00,352 ♪ I'm owed some life Where I'm always, like, happy ♪ 1012 00:58:00,435 --> 00:58:02,604 ♪ Which is stupid 'cause I wouldn't even want it if I got it ♪ 1013 00:58:02,688 --> 00:58:06,483 ♪ Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ♪ 1014 00:58:10,821 --> 00:58:13,198 ♪ So if you know Or ever knew how ♪ 1015 00:58:13,281 --> 00:58:15,492 ♪ To be happy ♪ 1016 00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:18,036 ♪ On a scale from one to two now ♪ 1017 00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:20,372 ♪ Are you happy? ♪ 1018 00:58:20,455 --> 00:58:22,916 ♪ You're everything you hated ♪ 1019 00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:25,377 ♪ Are you happy? ♪ 1020 00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:27,796 ♪ Hey, look, Ma I made it ♪ 1021 00:58:27,879 --> 00:58:30,549 ♪ Are you happy? ♪ 81786