All language subtitles for Bill Hicks - Relentless [Live].ia.eng

Aaaah, it's great to be here, it really is. I love
my job and I love being here, performing for you.

And I love my job, it's the greatest job
in the world for one very simple reason,

and it's not that sharing of
laughter 'n all that horse-shit.

Aah… it's the fact that I don't
have a boss, ha, ha, ha, ha…

picture that if you will.
And then envy me because,

every job I ever had with a boss
man always harassed, you know:

"Hicks! How come you're not working?"

I go: "There's nothing to do"

"Well, you pretend that you're working"

"Why don't you pretend I'm working?

Yeaah, you get paid more
than me, you fantasise.

Pretend I'm mopping, knock yourself out.
No, pretend they're buying stuff: We can close up!

I'm the boss now, you're fired. How's that for
a fantasy my friend? Ah! You like that? Good"

I don't know...

I've got a bad attitude man.
I don't have a bad attitude,

I've got a great attitude, I've
just got a classic face that…

I don't know what's wrong with my
face, but people I don't even know

walk up to me out of the
blue and go: "What's wrong?"

"…Nothing…?" "Well, it takes more
energy to frown than it does to smile"

"Yeah, you know it takes more energy to
point that out than it does to leave me alone?

Yeah, really. So why don't
you get out of my face...

...and watch me fucking really
start smiling, ha, ha, ha, ha…!"

"I hate you"

So, I'm up here 'n it's Canada and
I'm thinking, you know, Canada; Cold…

aah, aih, aih, aih, huskies, you know

and I'm wearing if you noticed the
BLACK! cotton fucking turtle-neck.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently
summertime MEANS THE SAME THING,

EVEN IN THE FRENCH PROVINCES!

"What are you, a fucking idiot,
it's summertime you fucking moron...

D… during the wintertime the shapely girls
are wearing parkas, you're locked out!"

Wearing parkas and big
boots and their socks.

I don't like the summertime cause everyone
goes to the beach, I don't understand the beach.

The beach, the beach, the beach...

"Let's go to the beach", "Oh, I love the summertime,
it's so worm finally, let's go to the beach, oooooh"...

What's the fucking deal with the beach, I don't
get it. It's where dirt meats water, alright?

Is that that fucking amazing to you? I've got a bathtub
and an imagination, I'm staying indoors this summer.

That way I can listen
to music that I like.

Maybe I'm just jealous man, everyone
at the beach is perfect, you know;

tanned, white teeth, I've
got white skin, tanned teeth…

...NOT my environment.

You put me under a neon beer
light, I look pretty cool…

You know my problem, I'm so pale man, I take my
shirt of at the beach, it's like a fucking prism man.

People are just: "Bill, put your shirt
back on, we can't find our towels!"

All these moths are bumping into me…

What did moths bump into before electric light
bulbs were invented, that's what I wanna know.

Well the light bulb really screwed the moth up, didn't
it? First light bulb ever turned on, billions of moths…

"Hey, hey, hey, what's the fucking
deal; it's a light bulb, chill out!"

What did they do before? There're moths on their way
to the sun right now: "C'mon, it's goanna be worth it…

…Fuck it, let's go find Hicks"
- "Alright"

OK I just don't fit in man. I don't
fit in anywhere, that's my problem.

You know my problem?
I watch too much news.

I don't know if you ever, ever, ever
sat and watched CNN longer than, say…

...20 hours in one day.
I've got to cut that out.

If you ever watch CNN headline
news for any lenght of time

it's the most depressing
fucking thing you will ever do;

"War, famine, death, AIDS, homeless,
recession, depression, war, famine death, AIDS…"

Then you look out your window it's just:

Where is all this shit happening man?
Ted Turner is making this shit up!

Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter:
"By 1992 we will all die of AIDS - Read that on the air.

I don't get laid, nobody gets laid"

I mean I'm writing to Jane Fonda: "Will you
fuck this guy so we can get some good news please?"

I wanna see a well laid Ted Turner newscast:
"Hey, it's all gonna work out - here's sports"

Some big stupid grin: "Woo, woo, ho, ha, ha,
fuck, I'm getting laid right now, fucking hey!"

So, I'm from the states, as you can tell by my
complete lack of sophistication, but that's o.k….

...because I've greased my hair 'n I'm
a little FUCKING POET, tonight, alright?

I'm the little dark
poet, that's who I am.

And during ah, we have this big war thing happening,
I don't know if you caught any of that, but uh…

It was a very stressful time for
me the war, I'll tell you why;

I was in the unenviable position of
being FOR the war BUT against the troops.

...not the most popular stands I've ever
taken on an issue, I must say alright?

I don't choose wisely always
and yet, I'm committed.

So, first of all - this needs to
be said - there never was a war.

"How can you say that Bill?"

Well… a war is when
TWO armies are fighting…

…so you see it right there… we can
all agree… wasn't exactly a war.

And Bush, president Bush, complete
surprise, he turned into a demon man.

But when he was first president, they called him 'the wimp
- president', I mean this was the cover of 'Newsweek';

"WwwwwIMP
- PRESIDENT"

Apparently this stuck in the guy's crow.
The guy turned into a fucking demon man:

"We surrender"
- "Not good enough"

"We'll run away"
- "Too little, too late…

…we're having WAY too much fun"

Those guys were in hog heaven out there, you understand
man? They had a big weapons' catalogue opened up:

"What's G-12 dude Tommy?"

"Well, it says here it destroys
everything but the fillings in their teeth.

Helps us pay for the war effort."
"Well, shit, pull that one up"

"Pull up G-12 please"

"Cool, what's G-13 here?"

Weapons. For all occasions.

And everyone got excited about the technology
and I guess it was pretty incredible

watching a missile fly down an
air vent, pretty unbelievable,

but couldn't we feasibly use that same
technology to shoot food to hungry people?

You know what I mean? Fly over the Ethiopia:
"There's a guy that needs a banana!"

"Thank you, thank you…"

The stealth
- banana. Smart fruit!

And I watched the iraquian technology,
man, I've never felt so good about myself,

I look if I've got bell buttons in my clothes n' go;
- " It ain't that fucking bad man."

What was the technology they were buying, where do they, do
they still, there's available still now, where did they...

they can get harder shit off the
streets of New York right now man.

Don't you think that one of the key
prerequisites of a weapon system is,

I don't know, the ability
to aim the fucking thing?

Is that, am I, is that, I don't know a lot about
the military, and yeah, I feel that would be keen.

What was the scud, it was like
launching a station wagon at people man.

Some Buick flying through the air, some
Iraqi driving: "Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Watch out, here come one of them Buick
scuds. Watch out, watch out, up!, in the ocean.

Those things are so
hard to steer, ha, ha!"

"Allah... Allah... ah, Allah?"

"Allah"

"Another Buick's gone"

I guess the most amazing thing about the war is obviously the disparity of casualties: Iraq - 150 THOUSAND casualties, USA…

79! Ha ha ha!!!

Let's go through those numbers again, ah,
they're a little baffling at first glance;

Iraq
- 150 thousand, USA...

79, 79! 79?

Does that mean that if we had sent over 80 guys,
we still would have won that fucking thing, what?

Just one guy in a ticker tape
parade: "How'd you do, hey!"

Once again though, I was watching the CNN
man and they blew it all man, all the anxiety.

Remember how it started? They kept
talking about the 'Elite Republican Guard'

in these hushed tones, remember that?
Like they where the boogieman, you know;

"Yeah, we're doing well,
but we have yet to face…

…the 'Elite Republican Guard'."

Yeah, like these guys are ten
feet tall, desert warriors;

"NEVER LOST A BATTLE!"

"WE SHIT BULLETS!"

Well, after two and a half months
of continuous carpet bombing and not

ONE reaction at all from these fuckers,

...they became simply the 'Republican Guard', not
merely as 'Elite' as we may have led you to believe.

And after one month of continuous
bombing not one reaction AT ALL,

they went from the 'Elite Republican
Guard' to the 'Republican Guard'

to the 'Republicans made this shit up
about there being guards out there...

we hope you enjoyed your firework show.

People said: "Aha Bill, Iraq had
the fourth largest army in the world"

Yeah, well, maybe, but you know what, after the first three
largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop-off, OK?

The Hara Krisnas are the fifth
largest army in the world.

And they've already
got our airports, so…

…who is the greater threat?

People have bugged me in the States, people said:
"Hey, the war made us feel better about ourselves"

"Really?" Who are these people
with such low self-esteem,

...they need a war to feel
better about themselves?

I saw them on the news waving their flags. Can I recommend
that instead of a war to feel better about yourselves, perhaps…

…sit-ups,

maybe a fruit-cup,

six to eight glasses of water a day.
I'm not telling you how to live,

I'm just recommending a perhaps better
way to feel better about yourself.

And we can avoid the
conflagration, ha, ha, ha...

Merely a suggestion.

Take a tip? I'm down south recently, I'm
playing in a town called Fyffe, Alabama, alright?

It's right outside Spotnemberg for those
you all who need a point of reference.

Anyway, I'm down there in Fyffe, they want me to
host their annual rickets telethon. Alright, whatever.

It's great to be able
to give something back.

Anyway, in this town
- this is absolutely true; it was in all the papers, it was on 'CNN'.

apparently everyone in
this town saw these UFO's.

Everyone in the town saw the UFO's, Bleachee, the
mayor, they all saw the fucking UFO's, alright?

And I'm curious, I ask people what it was like. "Oh, man, it was
incredible, incredible. People came from miles around to look at them...

A lot of people came armed."

"Excuse me? People are bringing
shotguns to UFO sightings?"

Don't you think there's a point where
we're gonna drop the fucking weapons,

I mean, whoa, the mother ship comes:
"Ah, maybe we don't know everything"

Ouaou! They're like some
intergalactic fucking skeet shoot:

Bringing shotguns to UFO sightings man, kind
of gives a whole new meaning to that phrase:

"You ain't from around
here, are you boy?"

"Yeap, they are little green
people, we call them boogers."

So I said to the guy, I go: "Why do you
all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?"

He says: "Well… we
don't wanna be abducted"

I'm thinking:
"Yeah, and leave all this? Ha, ha."

"Dude, if I lived in this town, I'd be on my hands and
knees praying for abduction every fucking day, alright?

And I wouldn't be picky?
Greyhound.

"Abduct me"

I said: "What do you mean abducted?"

He said: "Well…they abduct people and they
perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em"

I said: "Well, maybe we'll be lucky and it's some
type of sterility dentistry program they've got going...

Maybe they'll come down, castrate you, straighten your
teeth and split. Sort of a 'clean-up-the-universe' pack."

He said: "Huh?"

I'll tell you something too that's
starting to annoy me about UFO's

the fact that they cross galaxies or universes
to visit us and always end up in places like…

…Fyffe fucking Alabama.

Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you
know what I mean, maybe they're like hillbilly aliens.

Some intergalactic jode
family or something, you know.

Don't you all wanna land in New York, or L.A.? "Nah, we just had
a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some, woo, woo, hi!"

Oh my God, they're idiots!

"We're gonna enter our motor ship
in the tractor pool, woo, ha ha!"

Last thing I wanna see is a flying saucer up
on blocks in front of some trailer, you know.

Bumper sticker on it: They'll get my ray gun when
they ply my cold dead 18 finger hand off of it!"

Oh my God, we're being
invaded by rednecks!

Get this! Another true story, this is gonna
frighten you, cause it's absolutely true.

I'm down in that town Fyffe, after the show I go to a waffle house
- I'm not proud of it, I'm hungry.

I'm eating I'm alone and I'm reading
a book. Waitress walks over to me...

"Hey, what's you reading for?"

Is that like the weirdest question ever?

I have never, ever been asked that. I
mean not that 'what are you reading?'

oh, OK you know, but
'WHAT ARE YOU READING FOR?'

"Shit, you stumped me....

Why do I read, hm. Oh,
I don't, I don't know...

...guess I read for a lot of reasons, you know, one of them
is I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress, alright?"

Then, this trucker at the next booth
gets up, stands over me and goes;

"Well, looks like we've
got ourselves a reader"

"What the fuck's going on here? Like I walked into
a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit or something...

It's a fucking book, I
read, there, I said it."

Waitress goes: "Why read when
you can just flip on the tube?"

"Cause it's not the same. What do you
think I'm reading, 'Hee-haw the book?"

She said: "Huh?"

So, have you ever been in a waffle house and you noticed
that the uh, menus has pictures of the food on it? Yeah...

It is frightening to know that in many parts of our world
right now, people are yelling; "Revolution, revolution"...

and in other parts they
are yelling: "Evolution!

We want our thumbs!"

It's an insane world 'n
I'm proud to be part of it.

I do smoke and if this bothers anybody, I recommend
you looking around in the world in which we live and…

…shut your fucking
mouth! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

…I doubt it.

How many, ah oh, oh, oh, quickly, how many non-smokers
are here tonight, non-smokers, by round of applause,

lets hear it non-smokers…

…Good.

Cause I have something I wanna tell you 'n
I'm glad you all conglomerated here tonight.

Saved me some breath …which
is obviously very short.

I love, I'm gonna tell you non-smokers
something right now that I know for a fact

you don't know and I delight in telling
my brothers things they don't know,

particularly when they're
true, which this is. Ready?

Non-smokers. Ready?
Drum-roll…Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Non-smokers die every day. Ha, ha, ha….

Sleep tight.

You see, I know you entertain
some type of eternal life fantasy,

...because you've chosen not to smoke. That may
be the first to PHOOF!, pop that fucking bubble...

and send you hurling back to
reality... you're dead too.

And you know what doctors say: "Shit, if only you
smoked, we'd have the technology to help you, ha, ha."

It's you people dying from
nothing, that are screwed.

I've got all sorts of neat shit waiting for me: oxygen
lung, tents, just like going to 'Sharper Image' when I die.

Yeah…people say the stupidest things to you:
"Hey, quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back."

"I live in New York City, I
don't want my sense of smell."

"Is that urine?"

"I think I smell a dead fellow"

Anyone remember this?
This is pretty weird?

Anyone remember when Yul Brynner died, they
came out with that commercial after he was dead?

You remember that? "I'm Yul
Brynner and I'm dead now."

"What the fuck's this guy showing?"

"I'm Yul Brynner 'n I'm dead
now, 'cause I smoked cigarettes."

Pretty scary, but they could
had done that with anybody man.

A guy in the States, this guy Jim Ficks, was a health nut,
runner, jogger, wrote books about jogging, had a heart-attack…

…while jogging and died, ha, ha, ha…

They should have done that
commercial with that guy;

"I'm Jim Ficks and I'm dead now…

…'n I don't know what the fuck happened!

I jogged everyday, ate nothing but tofu, I'm dead. Yul Brynner
smoked, drunk and got laid every night of his life, he's dead…

…Shit!

Yul Brynner smoking, drinking, girls are sitting
on his cue ball noggin every night of his life!"

But I know what you non-smokers
are thinking right now;

"That's real cute Bill, that's real cute.
That's a cute little smoking thing you just did.

And we want you to keep doing in son while you
still have THE BREATH LEFT IN YOU TO DO IT!"

That is my big fear in life; doing smoking jokes in
my act you know and then showing up 5 years from now;

"Good evening everybody.

Remember me?

I was wrong. Smoking is real
fucking bad for you. No joke!"

Yeah… I've seen people do that, you ever seen anyone do
that? Is that the spookiest fucking thing you've ever seen?

Ever seen that, isn't it unbelievable?

If you're smoking out of a
hole in your fucking neck…

I'd think about quitting.

When you're into that point, chew
some gum or something, I'm not,

not telling you how to live, I'm
recommending; use your options.

This shows a commitment I
cannot fucking relate to, man.

I mean, we're beyond image at
that point, I think, you know.

Jesus! What's next for that guy,
you know? "I just can't stop!

It gets worse and worse every year!

I'm telling you man, I
can't quiiiiiiiiiiit!!!

I cannot quit smoking!

They're starting to taste like shit!"

"Dude you have a cigarette in your
BUTT! May I recommend nicorret gum?

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead
now, cause I smoked cigarettes.

Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of
non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night.

I tried to run, they had more energy than
I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.

But now I'm in heaven. Sniffing Yul Brynner's
noggin: "Snf, OOOOH, PARTY TIME!!! Snf, OOOOOH!!!"

See, imagine being in heaven with Yul Brynner, being Yul
Brynner right, Jim Ficks is there, we're comparing our lives;

"Hey you, remember that one night we got so fucked
up, we got laid 'n all those girls we're fucking 'em…"

"Right, that was great, ha, ha, ha, ha…

… Jim, what about you?"

"Ww, one night I ate too much tofu and then went jogging…"
- "Yeah great, hum, anyway…"

Man, I just uh, I know it's nasty but I'm
addicted alright? And they taste so good too…

It's a shame that's secondary smoke that stinks so bad,
'cause the stuff we're sucking up is fucking great man;

Stake and potatoes...

lobster...

Yul Brynner's noggin. Aou…

I'm a heavy smoker, I go through about two
lighters a day now and uuh…is that a lot?

You can't imagine how thrilled I was - any smoker to be -
to find out that there's a different warning on each pack.

Mine saying: "Warning; Smoking may
cause fetal injury, or premature birth."

"Fuck it! Found my brand."

Just don't get the ones that
say lung cancer, you know.

Shop around. It is your body.

"Yeah, give me a carton
of low birth-weights."

No one knows what pornography
is, that's the problem.

Supreme Court of the United States says that
pornography is any act that has no artistic merit

and causes sexual thought,
that's their definition;

"No artistic merit
- causes sexual thoughts"

Well, that sounds like every
commercial on television to me.

You know, when I see those two
twins on that double mint commercial…

…I'm almost embarrassed
to tell you all this, uh…

… I'm not thinking of gum, ha, ha, ha…

"Double your pleasure…"

"Yeah honey, where's the Wrigglies, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha… I feel like chewing something...

…ALL DAY!!!"

Doesn't every commercial blatantly use sex to
sell a product? I believe most of them do.

Here is the commercial they'd
like to do, I guarantee you.

We may see this one day yet, but this is the
ultimate television commercial they want to do;

Here's the woman's face
- Beautiful.

Camera pulls back
- Naked breasts.

Camera pulls back
- she's totally naked, legs apart…

… two fingers right here.

And it just says: "Drink Coke."

Now, I don't know the connection here,

but coke is on my
shopping list this week.

"S-nickerrrss!!"

"Doctor pepperrrr…"

No I don't know the connection,
yes I am buying these products.

My teeth are rotting out of my
head, I'm glued to my television;

"More snickers, more coke!

More snickers, more coke!
I love these products… "

But you see, once again, my voice, the
voice was not heard, my voice was not heard,

the questions where not asked that I wanted to see
asked. Once again the issue just went berserk;

Pornography causes sexual thoughts.
No one asked these four questions;

"Yea - And - So -
What?" Ha, ha, ha….

When did sex become a bad
thing? D, did I miss a meeting?

"Bill, we had a big vote:
fucking is out, you were asleep."

"Can I still vote?"

Playboy: Pornography - causes sexual thought.
Penthouse: Pornography - causes sexual thought.

Madonna videos: Pornography
- causes sexual thoughts.

You know what causes sexual thoughts?
I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight,

I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully
once and for all while on this planet,

...because outer space awaits our
presence and we are better and more

unique creatures than this and
uh all eternity is our playground,

so let me go out and clear this one issue out once and
for all and let's move on to real issues, can we? Great.

Here's what causes sexual thought, you ready?
Drum roll, bprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

… having a dick.

Or, if you're a woman having, you know.
But whatever, I'm speaking for me tonight.

And I can speak for every
guy in this room tonight too!

Guys, in the course of our day, ANYTHING
can cause sexual fucking thought:

You could be on a bus, a
trolley, it's rocking kind of…

… pants are a little tight…

"Oh my God, I'm getting a woody!
I'm getting a woody on a bus!"

What are we gonna do,
ban public transportation?

Before playboy, before penthouse, before pornographic movies or
Madonna videos ever existed, people still had sexual thoughts, OK?

"How do you know that?"

"We're here…

Somebody's been fucking!

You follow your family
tree back and every branch…

… fucking."

Sure, what caused the way back then?

Well, maybe the wagon
trail ride out west;

I don't know what she has under that gingham skirt,
but when we stop for water baby, we're fucking, ha!

I gotta woody on the trail,
I gotta woody on the trail."

You see, they're getting cart the before
the horse on this pornography issue;

Playboy does not create sexual thoughts. There ARE sexual
thoughts and THEREFORE there is playboy, don't you see?

I know these sound like philosophical musings to you, what came first, the hard on, OR the Madonna video?
- Aah, uuuh…

… and if a hard on falls in
the forest and no one's around…

… do you go blind, I don't know.

And what does an atheist scream when
they cum, that's another one too;

" Oh, chemical jinns, chemical jinns!"

What, what would you, if you were
an atheist, what would you yell?;

"Oh fate, fate and
destiny, fate and destiny!"

"Chemical jinns, chemical jinns.
Bing bang!" Ha, ha, ha, ha…

I'm getting that close to hell, right now,
hoo, hoo, hoo, it's getting a little warm…

You know what though, I find it ironic that people
who are against things that cause sexual thoughts,

are generally fundamentalist Christians,

who also believe you should
be fruitful and multiply?

Isn't that weird? Didn't' you think they'd be for
things that cause sexualt houghts, you know what I mean?

Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible?

I don't know: 'Mis-Deuteronomy'

'Turn-offs, floods, locust and smokers'

'Turn-ons, myrrh' … I don't know
what myrrh is, chicks dig it.

Like if I'm a real babe,
I've got som myrrh, ooh!

I did that joke in Alabama; these
three rednecks met me after the show:

"Hey buddy, come here!!
Hey Mr comedian, come here!"

Yeah, I love that move: "Come here!"

Not a physics major. I
mean that's a safe bet.

"Mr funny man, come here! Hey buddy, we're
Christians, we don't like what you said."

I said: "Then forgive me"

Later, when I was hanging from the tree,

I was hanging next to
these lil' green fellows.

Christians who kill, aahh! , we're about
out of ideas on this planet, aren't we?

Someone likely like George Bush? or this guy,
Pat Robertson, this televangelist in the State...

...these are Christians for stronger nuclear
armament. Oh, what a great deal of faith.

Cause I know, if Jesus where here,
he'd probably have an Uzi on him.

Don't you think he
would, Je-, yeah he would;

"THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK, BUT
HE'S PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU PILOT!"

"I'm back. I didn't tell you what kind of mood I was
coming back in, DID I FUCKERS? , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha"

"You all, it's Jesus,
he's back, but he's pissed!

He's yelling something about
the cross, I didn't catch it…"

Jesus!

You know, I don't know what you all believe 'n I don't
really care, but you have to admit, beliefs are odd.

A lot of Christians wear
crosses around their necks.

D' you think when Jesus comes back,
he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onasis
with a little sniper riffle pinned in, you know:

"How are you Jackie, we're just
thinking of John. We loved him.

We loved him... Yea, he was great."

OK, it's time for some
ah, time for a question.

This question I'm going
to ask you is very crude…;

Are there actually women in the world
who do not like to give blowjobs?

You see a lot of guys on dates got
their fingers crossed here tonight;

"Answer him honey, go ahead and answer. Say how you
feel about this right now... hey, speak up, that's it."

The reason I ask, alright? I
was with this woman this one time

and she goes down there for like three
seconds 'n then she starts coming back up.

I'm going: "...

… unless you're getting up
to put ice in your mouth…"

Anyway, without getting graphic,

...she actually said to me;
"I think you had enough…"

… Uh?!"
- "I think you had enough."

"Really? I thiiiiink…

… you're gonna know
when I've had enough!"

There's a pretty
definite ending to this.

Not a lot of grey
area. Fairly cut 'n dry.

But anyway, it blew my mind - and it's
all it blew - so my inquiry from audiences;

Why people - 'n I'm not asking women - why people
in general don't do everything with their lover?

I can't, I can't conceive that odd
standard? I hear complaints on both sides...

But why - let's just, pss, get more specific -
you ladies don't do, won't, I mean won't, I mean

don't and not all of you, but why won't you do that
to your guy? I mean, to make the, I don't know the...

...FOCAL POINT OF YOUR
EXISTENCE WHILE ON THIS PLANET?

You know what I mean; I mean why won't you
want to do that EVERY SECOND YOU'RE AWAKE?

I mean eh, you know, why don't…you know.

I don't understand
why you just…you know.

Actually, uh, a woman one night
yelled: "Yeah, did you ever try it?"

I Said "Yeah…

…almost broke my back."

It's one vertebra, I swear
to God, it's that close.

. I think that vertebra is gonna be the next
thing to go in the next revolutionary step.

Just a theory and a fervent PRAYER!

And now all the guys are going: "Honey I have no idea
what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child."

That may be true but guys…

…yyyyyyyyyyou know
what I'm talking about.

I can speak for every guy
here in this room tonight.

Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies,
you would be in this room alone right now,

...watching an empty stage.

Boy, my folks are proud of me!

"Bill, honey, are you still doing
that 'suck your own cock' bit?"

"Yeah mom."
- "Good baby, that's such a crowd pleaser.

How clever you to come up with
this 'suck your own cock' bit honey.

So clever it makes your mama bossum swell with pride, knowing
her son is travelling the world using his given surname,

...going out in front of rooms of total strangers
and doing the 'Suck your own cock' piece."

"Thanks mom."
- "No biggy."

So I ask this woman who said that 'did you ever try it?'
"So let me ask you; why won't you like to do that to your guy?"

"Because it's disgusting."

Disgusting? Well, that's a little harsh.

And also a double standard - cause you know what?
- I've never heard you ladies say it's disgusting...

when we're down between
your legs? no way…;

"Oh, this is so gross...

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, don't put your finger
in my, that's rude!"

I've NEVER heard that.

And again, maybe I can't hear it,
because your thighs are clamped;

"Oh, I hope she's enjoying that.

I'm getting a headache down here!

Yeah, I feel like drinking a coke too."

"Bill honey, are you still doing
that 'eat the pussy' piece?"

"Yeah mom."
- "Great...

You know son, many people at Sunday school asked
me when you're gonna be performing in the area.

Bill they all are so curious to see the material you're
doing now and they're aaaaaaaaaaall sure they wanna see...

the 'suck your own cock' bit, followed
by the 'eat the pussy' sketch!"

"Bill, I only wish your
grandparents were still alive.

If only you hadn't to put them
in that Chuck Norris film, baby.

I wish to God your grandparents could see their
grandson on stage, using his given surname...

...performing the 'suck the own cock'
bit, plus the 'pussy eating' sketch."

"Maybe they're hearing
it in heaven mom."

"Son, is there anyway I can ask you to
type up the 'suck your own cock' bit,

so I can pin it to your
grandmother's headstone?"

See I just don't agree with everything I
hear just because I hear it over the TV.

Sometimes I've gotta ask myself what I feel about
things. That way I can get a close reading of what's true.

Drugs have done good things for us, that's
my belief; drugs have done good things for us.

Hard to believe I'm saying this, DRUGS have done
good things for us. "What do you mean Bill?" Well…

…if you don't believe drugs have done
good things for us, do me a favour then.

Go home tonight, take all your
albums, your tapes and your CD's...

and burn them.

Cause you know what? The musicians who made that great
music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years…

…real fucking high on
drugs, ok? It's true.

The Beatles were so high, they let
Ringo sing a couple of tunes man.

Tell me they weren't partying;

"We all live in a yellow
submarine, a yellow submarine, a y…"

We, we what, we all live in a yellow sub
- you know haw fucking high they were?

They had to pull Ringo of the ceiling
with a rake to sing that fucking song;

"Tom, get Ringo, he's in
the corner. Pull him down!

Ouaou, look at him scoop, grab him. Look at him scoop?
Ringo, come down. Yoko's gone, we can party again."

They were real high, they wrote great
music, drugs had a positive effect, they did.

You cannot deny the fucking music, can't deny it, can't
deny it. Ok, uh look, just look at it in another way then;

These musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact
speak out against them - "We rock against drugs!" - ...

...Boy, they suck, ha, ha, ha….!!

Ball-less, soulless, spiritless little corporate fucking
puppets, suckers of Satan's cock each and every one of them.

"We rock against drugs, cause
that's what George Bush would want."

"We're rock stars who
sell Pepsi-cola products."

"We're rock stars who
sell Taco-Bell products."

Let me tell you something right now and you can
print this in stone and don't you ever forget it;

Any, ANY performer that ever sells a product on television is
- for now and all eternity - removed from the artistic world.

I don't care if you shit Mona Lisas out of your
ass on cue; you've made your fucking choice.

"Oh, come on, it's just, it's just a
good product 'n it's just making a good…"

"Shut that big scaly
pecker now. SHUT IT!"

Here's my point and man I knew I had a point again,
I keep having points tonight, what's the deal?

It's odd how people think and people get away
with it, I don't get it. Last year in the States,

I don't know if you've ever heard this story? this
was a great one, I love this one, this kills me.

You know the story about the two kids that
were big fans of this group Judas Priest...

...and they committed suicide? And the parents
of these two kids sued the band, Judas Priest?

Ok, first of all,

two kids, big fans of Judas
Priest, commit suicide…

Ouaou… two less gas station
attendants in the world, you know.

What? I don't mean to sound cruel here, but I
don't think we lost the cancer cure here, you know?

Look, there's gonna be no delays in the
shuttle launch because of this, you understand?

They weren't an intricate part, I know, "Bill, you
sound so cruel", fuck them they were idiots, get it? Ok.

But the point is, they tried to prove that there are subliminal
messages on these albums, telling you to kill yourself…

Let me ask you a quick question-which by the way
failed to come up at the trial which they had-;

"WHAT PERFORMER WANTS HIS
FUCKING AUDIENCE DEAD?"

I don't get the long term gain here.

What are these guys in the band thinking? "I'm fucking
sick of it, I'm fucking sick of it! Sick of it, sick of it!!"

"What are you sick of?"
"The whole fucking thing…;

Touring, making $40000 a night,

...free drugs, free booze,
stretched limos, penthouse suites,

...groupies blowing me dawn to dusk.

I'm in a rut and I want out."

"And then we have a little show's coming up"
"I know, it sucks...

...unless…

Ian, Nijo, come in!

Oh shit Nijo get in. Ian, come down!

I've had an idea, let's
kill the fucking audience.

Nijo, go get a soccer
ball, Ian, come here…

…we're going to kill them, and then we can get
back to our day jobs. We can sell shoes again"

Why would they fucking do that?
Why would the band do that? WHY?

"Because it's not a band Bill, Mr. dressed in black, say
fuck every other word out of your mouth, cynical humanist you…

… It's the devil!"

"Oh, well that's different."

The devil. That, that still exists that concept,
really, does that really exist, you know, the devil?

The devil really exists, does it really yo? Well
tell me something? what could oppose God's will?

Nothing, could it, xaxaxaxaxa, there
goes the light bulb of realization.

NOTHING COULD OPPOSE
GOD'S WILL!! NOT, NOTHING!!

What about my will, nah, nah…NO!! OK

Remember a few years ago, remember a
few years ago, as if you played albums

backwards there where satanic
messages, now they're subliminal.

Ain't it nice to know Satan's keeping up with
all these new, technological achievements,

...what a little busy beaver he is!

I picture him at a Radio Shack, every Monday
morning: "What new things do you have for me today?"

Remember that a few years ago you played
albums backwards there was satanic messages.

Let me tell you something, if you ever
sat around playing your albums backwards…

…you ARE Satan.

Don't look any further. And don't go
ruining my stereo to prove a fucking point.

"Come here, listen, listen."

"Can you hear that?"

"Satan is lord, Satan is lord, yeah,
it's crystal clear, check this out!"

"It's almost like he's in the room or something."
"Aaaah, you're Satan, hahaha oooh!"

Satan: Destroyer of
needles, ruiner of stereos!

"I am Satan and I've come to
destroy high fidelity music.

You all listen to A tracks."
"Aaaah, the deceiver!"

'Cause I have news for you
- I live in the states, a very puritanical place, full of superstition and ancient,

ANCIENT religions that no longer
serve their function on this planet,

...because they're based
on fear instead of love.

But, ah… they say R&R
is the devil's music.

Well, let's say that it is, I've got news for
you; let's say that R&R IS the devil's music

and we know it for a fact to be
absolutely, unequivocally true.

Boy, at least it fucking jams

...OK, do you hear that correctly?

If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes,
or eternal heaven and New Kids On The fucking Block…

…I'm gonna be surfing on the
lake of fire, rocking out.

High-fiving Satan every time I
pass him on the fucking shore.

'Cause you know, if you play New
Kids On The Block albums backwards...

...they sound better, you know.

"Oh, com' on Bill, they're the New Kids,
don't pick on them, they're so good,

they're so clean cut n' they're
such a good image for the children."

Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality
become a good image for your children?

I want my children to listen
to people who fucking ROCKED!

I don't care if they died on puddles of their own
vomit. I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!!!

"Mummy, mummy, the man you put me on to
listen to has a blood bubble on his nose"

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!"

The New Kids
- "Hah, we're the New Kids n' we're so good n' clean cut…"

…
- you're so clean cut", WOW, WOW, WOW!!!

"A good clean country." WOW, WOW, WOW,

FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCK STARS DEAD!!!

I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun
to their fucking head, going: "I hope you enjoyed the show"

YES, YES!!! PLAY FROM
YOUR FUCKING HEART!!!

I am available for
children's parties by the way.

Alright, alright, alright, alright, I'm going
to, hum, hum… alright, quit it Bill, quit it.

You've been a wonderful audience and I love you,
I loved being here, you've been excellent, all...

...has been absolutely the best thus
far. All of my point is, all of my point

is that there's a lot of ways to look
at the world. You know what I'm saying?

Why pick the way you learn over
TV - cause it's usually wrong - ?

D' you ever see a good drug
story on the news? Never.

News is supposed to be objective,
isn't it supposed to be, theeeeee NEWS!

BUT, every drug story is negative.

Oooh, hold it! I've had some killer fucking
times on drugs. Let's hear the whole story.

. Same LSD story every time,
that we've all heard it;

"Young man on acid thought he could fly,
jumped out of a building. What a tragedy…"

What a dick.

If he thought he could fly, why didn't take
off from the ground and check it out first.

You don't see ducks lined up
to catch elevators to fly south.

He's an idiot, he's dead. Good!

I mean, there's one less moron in the world,
wow, what a fucking tragedy aren't it?

I guess I don't have one car
linked up in traffic tomorrow.

How about a positive LSD story, that
would be newsworthy, don't you think?

Anybody think that? Just once
to hear a positive LSD story;

"Today a young man on acid...

...realized that all matter is merely
energy condensed to a slow vibration.

That we are all one consciousness
experiencing itself subjectively.

There is no such thing as death,

life is only a dream and we are
the imagination of ourselves…

…Here's Tom with the weather."

You guys are great, thank
you very much. Goodnight.

subtitle modified by
Xenosapiens 2008