Original subtitles

Get your bag off the table. People eat there.

They eat on plates.

Don't give me any crap, Maizy.

I'm telling. You said "crap."

There's nothing wrong with "crap."

Oh, really? I thought that was a swear.

- No, you're thinking of "shit." - Oh, right.

Do you mind?

A sixth-grader chased me with his bike

and I was running.

When I got exhausted and fell down,

he waled me with wailedhis shoe.

- You can thank your parents for that. - How come?

It was their brilliant idea to move here.

They weren't making enough cash in Indianapolis.

Forget that we were perfectly happy.

So thank them for getting treated like shit every day.

- I'm telling on that one. - Shut your face.

Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.

Always have a cow.

Your nails are digging into my arm, God damn it!

Pick it up!

You're just supposed to open the door for us.

You're not supposed to kick us around.

I'm an American. I have rights!

Maizy, did I kick you around?

No, but you said "shit" twice. But only once for real.

I've got better things to do than babysit you,

you little stain.

Oh, like what, hang out with friends you don't have?

Why don't you just shut up?

Want to make me?

When our mother figure isn't here,

I'm in charge.

I'm sick of you calling her that.

Too bad.

You moron!

I don't know why we need boys at all.

- They're so loud. - Shut up!

- Shut up yourself! - We need boys

so they can grow up, get married,

and turn into shadows.

Let the dog out.

Percy!

This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother.

How do you find the time?

Mmm! Miles.

Hmm?

Maizy, put that down. Did you win at hockey yesterday?

Hockey's been over for two weeks.

I guess you don't want a hockey stick for your birthday.

You know what?

When Dad goes to New York,

I'm going to take a week off work.

So you can interview new housekeepers?

I've had enough of your ugliness.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

We're all just a little tired of the act.

- -

- This is really a good idea. - Thank you.

How's the pie?

It's not bad.

You gonna be at work in the morning?

I don't see how I can avoid it.

You don't seem very happy about it.

All right, if you got to know, I'm really not that not excited

about going to work for my girlfriend.

There, I said it. It's out of the way.

Okay, okay, Buck, I love you. I can't help myself.

I want to get married. I want to have a family.

I want to do it with you.

Well, you know the clock is ticking away here.

I would just like to hear the pitter-patter

of tiny feet before I die.

I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal.

Lighten up, will you?

Don't push my button. I'm not gonna get into this.

I'm not pushing your buttons. I know me.

I know what I like, all right?

I like my friends. I like my freedom.

I like knowing I can throw my sticks in the trunk of my car

and go golfing anytime I want.

I don't hurt anybody. I don't see what the problem is.

That is the best formula for loneliness I ever heard.

- Why are we arguing? - We're talking.

I said I'd be at work in the morning. I'll be there.

Okay.

I-- I just-- I just got to get this out.

I know I'm kind of like harping on something here.

You know, just let me say it.

I'm working on history. I'm working on the past.

You're gonna show up for work? You swear to God?

In the AM? Promise?

Chanice, I'll be honest with you.

If I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I'd use it.

Hello?

- Oh, God... - What?

Just a second. It's your aunt.

What happened?

Your dad had a heart attack.

Who's gonna watch the kids?

Marcie. She's right across the street.

She's the last person I'd ask for a favor.

What about the Nevilles?

Would you call them?

I want to leave as soon as we can.

I am so helpless here.

Honey, now don't start getting down on why we moved.

It has nothing to do with what happened.

Sorry.

This is just a thought. What about Buck?

I'm sure he'd be glad to help out.

This is not the time to discuss your brother.

- I don't want him here. - It's just a suggestion.

He doesn't have kids. He isn't married.

He doesn't even work!

He's a little out there, but he's responsible,

and he's family.

Buck is not the kind of guy

I feel comfortable leaving my kids with.

The trashy people he hangs out with.

That woman who sells tires.

The horse racing, the gambling.

Can you see him in this house?

Okay.

Call the Nevilles.

Are we going to Indianapolis?

Daddy and I are.

And we're not?

No, I don't think that would be a good idea.

Thanks.

I love my father very much.

So why did you move away from him?

If my family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.

Oh, I see.

Uh-huh.

- Who's gonna take care of us? - Mr. and Mrs. Neville.

- Is that a joke? - You don't like the Nevilles?

- The dog's a ball sniffer. - Don't talk like that.

Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson

'cause their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.

- Don't use that word. - I don't know another word.

I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.

Sorry, honey. They're in Florida.

Okay, you get in bed.

You have to get up for school.

- Who's in Florida? - Just get back in bed.

What's the other word for balls?

Get in bed.

Nuts!

What do we do?

I don't think we have much choice.

Can we trust him?

Yeah?

Buck, this is Bob.

Bob? Bob who?

Uh...

Buck, it's your brother?

Bobby!

Bobby... Hang on a minute.

- ♪♪ -

Bobby, just used your Christmas present.

Ah, the Clapper.

Bobby, you little pissant, how you doing, huh?

Jeez! What, are you drunk?

Hey, you know something? We gotta get together.

I haven't been over to your house since you moved in.

Hey, I-- real sorry about those bushes, too.

I had no idea

that they would all catch on fire like that.

No, you were right.

I should never have put the barbecue that close.

Buck, Cindy's father had a heart attack tonight.

We'd like to get down to Indianapolis

as soon as possible, but, well,

we have a problem with the kids.

We're stuck for somebody to watch them.

If you're not doing anything--

Is this okay with Cindy? This has got her approval on it?

Oh, yeah.

That'd be great. I'd be honored, sure.

I still got the one-bedroom. I'm gonna get a bigger place.

But hey, they bring their sleeping bags over here.

We'll have some fun. We'll make tents and stuff.

We'll get some toys and some peanut butter.

We'll have a blast.

I thought you could come here. The kids have school.

What am I thinking about? Sure.

Do we want to do this tonight or in the morning?

Tonight would be best, I mean, if you could do it.

Yeah, tonight will be fine.

That'll be fine. Don't worry about it.

I'll pack a few things. I'm on my way.

Thanks. See you soon.

He can do it.

He was asleep, and I woke him up.

At this hour, that's a good sign.

We're all set.

Okay, this, this and this.

Bag, bag, bag.

Okay.

Yeah, this will do.

Oh!

Ow!

Hello.

Chanice, honey?

Honey, I have some bad news.

Let me guess.

You are not coming in to work in the morning.

Just let-- let--

Y-- no, but--

You don't-- would you just--

let m-- gimme--

let me get-- let me get--

You're not g-- give me a--

Ohh!

Good-bye.

Oh, boy, those kids.

I haven't seen those kids in a while.

Tia's got to be nine.

Nine, maybe ten. Oh, boy.

And the two new ones. They're, uh...

Larry and, um...

Larry and, uh...

Betsy.

Betsy, uh...

and Jennifer, Jennifer.

Larry and Jennifer. Nice kids.

Honey, he's 40 years old. He knows his way around.

Look, why don't you go finish packing?

And I'll watch out for Buck.

What the hell?

Where is everybody?

Bob. Bob?

This isn't funny! Come on! Wake up!

I'm freezing my ass off out here!

Oh, shit.

I'm getting mad, Bob.

Yo, Bobby!

- Buck? - Bob?

- Buck! - Bob?!

- Buck! - Bob!

Over here!

Do you know how many big white houses there are

on this street?

- Shh. - What?!

- Keep it down. - What?!

What do you want me to do with my car?!

For crying out loud!

Oh, sorry, Mr. Hatfield.

It's 2:00 AM!

How you doing? Hey, sorry I'm late.

- No. Thanks for coming. - What happened to the mustache?

- Oh, had to shave it off. - How's Cindy?

- Not well, not well. - Her dad?

- Hard to say. - Those medical terms, huh?

What is it, an infarction or something like that?

Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.

- Oh, good. - Isn't that something?

I'm on to cigars now.

Yeah, I'm onto a five-year plan.

I eliminated cigarettes. Then I go to cigars.

Then I go to pipes. Then I go to chewing tobacco,

Then I'm onto that nicotine gum.

- Good. - Yeah.

Uh, money.

I'll leave you blank checks.

Oh, no, no, please, I've got lots of money.

No.

- No, please. - No,

I got the money, please. I'd like to do this.

All right? So-- no, come on, will you, please.

I'll pay you back when we get home.

I won't have any problem cashing

a second-party out-of-state paycheck, will I?

The reason I'm saying is I've been so busy lately,

I haven't been able to do my banking.

I don't think there'll be a problem.

Let me just leave you the checks.

Well, only if it's comfortable for you.

That'll be easier.

I guess, sure. Do you have a plunger here?

While I'm thinking of these things.

For the morning. My plumbing is just so bad.

Of course, yours is good plumbing here, right?

Yeah, I would imagine Don't worry about it.

Everything will be fine. I've just been bound up lately.

It's driving me crazy.

I've been eating a lot of cheese for some reason.

I don't know what it is. I got a craving for the stuff.

Do you think maybe that's an allergy or something?

Yeah.

I don't know, I can't get enough cheese.

I feel like a big mouse.

- I don't know. - Oh, well, oh, well.

Let's see. Oh! Oh, Miles' birthday.

I forget-- we'll be back by that time.

Okay, then. This should do.

I probably won't use any of them.

You know, just in case.

- Right. - Great. Okay.

- Here we go. - I know I've forgotten something.

What else? What else? What else?

All right? Okay, that looks nice.

Here, give me your arm.

It should only be a few days. And I promise I'll call you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

[Bob] You've got all the phone numbers, right?

- We're off. Thanks a lot, Buck. - Take care of yourself.

- Okay, all right. - Really appreciate this.

Thanks. Thank you.

- Say hi to your Dad for me. - You can do it.

- Drive safely, all right? - Thanks.

Okay.

Boy, that's for sure.

Unbreakable.

Shit!

It's 7:02 in the AM.

You're listening to W-I-Don't-Have-To-Go-To-Work-Today.

Brought to you by Kobolowski Tires.

For the best in tires, see Chanice Kobolowski.

♪ Tweedly-dee ♪

♪ Tweedly-dee ♪

♪ Give it up, give it up, give your love to me ♪

♪ Tweedly-dot ♪

♪ Tweedly-dot ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme all the love you got ♪

♪ Twee-lee tweedly-- ♪

♪ Tweedly ♪

Tia!

You remember me?

Uncle Buck.

The Uncle Buck.

Coffee drinker, huh?

- Hungry? - No.

Oh, come on, sure you are. Everybody loves breakfast.

You gotta have a good breakfast. Start the day off right.

Mmm.

So where are the other ones?

Other ones what?

The other kids.

They have names. Miles and Maizy.

Are Miles and Maizy up yet?

I woke them, thank you.

There you go.

Are you deaf? I said I wasn't hungry.

That's one of my specialties.

I'd rather starve, thank you.

Does your mom know you drink coffee?

I'm not doing it to impress you.

I appreciate that.

Is there any particular reason

why you're giving me such a hard time?

Am I giving you a hard time?

Uh, well, I don't know.

- Hey! How you doin'? - Who are you?!

I'm your Uncle Buck.

- Do I have an uncle? - Unfortunately.

Holy smokes!

He's cooking our garbage.

Say, where's your, uh-- your sister, uh--

- Her name is Maizy. - Maizy.

For the second time.

Sorry.

You must be hungry.

Just for you.

Oh, my God! He put onions in the eggs.

I'm gonna go check on Maizy.

I'll fix you some cereal when I get back.

Can I ask you something?

What?

Is your sister always this pleasant?

No, she's usually in a bad mood in the morning.

Ow!

Do you want knots in your hair?

- Ow! - Cut it out.

- I want Mom to do it. - Mom's not here.

- She is, too. - No, she's not.

She and Dad went to Indianapolis.

They did not.

- Okay, they didn't. - They did?

Yes. And I'm taking care of you.

But you can't drive.

- Where do you live? - In the city.

- Do you have a house? - Apartment.

- Own or rent? - Rent.

- What do you do for a living? - Lots of things.

- Where's your office? - I don't have one.

- How come? - I don't need one.

- Where's your wife? - Don't have one.

- How come? - It's a long story.

- Do you have kids? - No, I don't.

- How come? - It's an even longer story.

- Are you my dad's brother? - What's your record

- for consecutive questions asked? - 38.

I'm your dad's brother, all right.

You have more hair in your nose than my dad.

- How nice of you to notice. - I'm a kid, that's my job.

That's my car. That is my car.

Tying your shoe?

What time you want me to pick you up after school?

Don't bother. I'll get a ride with friends.

Oh, no, no, I got my orders. What time?

Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride.

I always get a ride.

Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time,

and I'll meet you here.

Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.

Stand me up today, and tomorrow,

I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas

and walk you to your first class.

4:00 okay?

I'm stunned that I'm related to you.

You get the pole out of your keister,

we're gonna get along just fine.

Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?

No.

You think she hates me?

With a passion.

Really? You think it's the hat?

No.

No? A lot of people hate this hat.

It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it.

I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.

Uh-huh, yeah, right. Listen, Buck.

For eight years you have been making plans and breaking plans.

What are you talking about, hon?

Didn't we talk last night? Did we talk last night, huh?

About this?

What did we talk about? Me playing the father.

Mm-hmm, I'm really glad that you can do it for your brother.

You sure as hell can't do it for me.

How could I do it for you, hon? We don't have kids.

What are you talking about?

Buck, I know you think the job is pointless and in some way

I'm trying to manipulate you and control you

- and ruin your life. - No.

Look, I have to fill the position.

It's important to the company. It's important to me.

I'm swamped down here.

Now, unless you tell me different,

I'm gonna offer the job to somebody else.

Why don't you give me a week to think about it.

'Cause I don't know how long I'm gonna be here.

And, you know, if, during that week,

you see somebody in there that's gonna fill the bill

hire him, you know, part-time basis or whatever.

And that way I'll make up my mind,

and we'll see where we are at that point.

Okay, well, I have to go now.

Bye-bye, hon.

Eight more. Come on.

Work it. Get the circulation going.

Come on, step it up.

Isn't peace wonderful?

Mikhail Gorbachev, the most improbable

evil emperor in captivity,

captivates Manhattan, wows the U.N.

by announcing a unilateral cut in the Soviet military,

smiles and waves with erstwhile cold warriors Ronald Reagan--

And the stock market has its best week since July.

Take that, Karl Marx.

Would you like to talk about a possible lunch trade?

- Cover your ears. - What?

- Just do it. -

Do you know how whipped an engine has to be

to blow that loud?

Call me.

You ever hear of a tune-up?

You ever hear of a ritual killing?

I don't get it.

You gnaw on her face in public

like that again and you'll be one.

- Are you crazy? - I can be.

You could've taken his head off!

Yeah, but would he notice?

Can we get something straight?

The guy's a predator, and you're his prey.

- Oh, really? - You bet.

And how do you know?

When I was his age, I was the guy

zooming the girls like you.

Pretty face, big chip on your shoulder.

I recommend that you stay out of my personal life.

Do your parents stay out of your personal life?

They don't know my personal life.

Have they met Twiddle Dink?

His name is Bug.

First or last?

First.

What's his last name, Spray?

You should talk, Buck.

No. No.

N-O.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't!

That's not fair.

Don't you have a favorite doll or something?

What if we get one of your dolls

and put your dad's pajamas on him?

No.

Your brother! What about your brother?

How about the dog? You know the dog.

You can't. You just can't.

It's a new law. That's it.

It's in the books.

You don't want to sleep with me.

Can somebody get that, please?

Do I have to do everything around here?

- Yo. - [Cindy] Hi, sweetie. How are you?

Fine. I'm earning my keep.

Uncle Buck's got me bustin' my hump.

He says a little hard work will put some hair on my chest.

At least I'm learning a trade.

That's good.

Grandpa's feeling a little bit better.

And he sends you big hugs and kisses.

Tell him to hang in there.

Can you get Uncle Buck?

Will do, chickie.

Mom?

- Hi. - Next time you take off,

why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?

This guy's a joke.

Well, why don't you go your way and let him go his?

While he systematically dismantles my life?

Another drawback is that I'm a big drooler.

You could wake up in the middle of the night

thinking you were asleep in a swamp.

- Mom's on the phone. - Ah, good. I'll be right there.

The guy took off today and left Miles and Maizy alone.

Plus... he drinks.

Did you brush your teeth?

Yeah, you can even feel my toothbrush.

You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab

at the police station.

I could give him your toothbrush,

and he could run a test on it to see if you actually brushed

your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

If that's true, we're gonna really have

to start brushing our teeth.

Hi, how are you?

- I'm okay, how's everything? - Good, good.

- You sure? - Everything is fine here.

- Everything's fine. - Kids are okay?

Oh, kids are great!

We're having a great time together.

How's your dad?

He's okay. He's okay. He's getting better, thanks.

Well, that's good news. That's encouraging.

I got a good feeling about this.

He's gonna be fine. I got a few questions for you.

You know, you got an interesting set of plates

in the living room there.

- Are they old? - Yeah.

They are.

Where would you find something like that?

At an antique shop downtown or something?

In England.

[Cindy] Everything else seems--

How many times a day do you feed a dog like that?

How-- how many times a day do you think he eats?

Four or five.

I should have told you that. He eats once.

- He eats once a day. - Just once.

What does he like to drink? The water?

Yes, yes, he drinks water. I would keep some water out.

I've been leaving the toilet seats up.

Yeah.

Is that what the blue water is? It's not good for him, huh?

Oh, God.

That might account for something.

Nothing.

Just, uh, an odd coloration out on the grass.

Buck? Um...

I just want you to know it makes me feel

very secure to know that you're there.

Thank you very much.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bob?

Bob!

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman ♪

♪ Bring me a dream ♪ ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

- ♪ Make him the cutest that I've ever seen ♪ -♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

- ♪ Give him two lips like roses and clover ♪ -♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over ♪

♪ Sandman ♪

♪ I'm so alone ♪ ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Don't have nobody to call my own ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Please turn on your magic beam ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman ♪

♪ Yes? Bring us a dream ♪

♪ Give him a pair of eyes with a come-hither gleam ♪

♪ So please turn on your magic beam ♪

♪ Mr. Sandman ♪

♪ Bring us a dream ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

Cindy?

Open up.

Hello?

[Buck] Okay, I'm getting mad. All right.

Get ready. Here I come.

Come on!

What, do I have to talk dirty to you?

Come on, open up for daddy.

Gonna shove a load into you.

There we go. Come on, it's nice and easy.

Ah!

Come on, here we go. Yeah! Take that! Take that! Come on!

You don't want the crowbar, do you?

Come on!

Open up!

Come on!

I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not.

Come on!

Come on, you son of a bitch, open up.

Okay.

- Agh! -

- Freeze! - What-- who are you?

- Cindy! - She's in Indianapolis.

What's she doing in Indianapolis?

Her father had a heart attack.

Who are you, and how do you know her father had a heart attack?

I'm her brother-in-law.

Oh, yeah? Who you talking dirty to?

The washing machine.

I don't know how to work it,

so I was kicking it and swearing at it,

you know, which is not an uncommon thing to do.

And you thought that--

- I apologize. - Okay.

Boy, that's funny.

I live across the street. My name is Marcie.

Buck Russell.

Marcie Dahlgren-Frost.

Dahlgren is my maiden name. Frost is my married name.

I'm single again,

but I never bothered to lose the Frost.

And I get compliments on the hyphen.

I-- sure you would. Sure you would, yeah.

Well, I came to invite Cindy to lunch,

but since she's not here, do you have plans?

Well, actually, I've got a lot of things to do around here.

- You know-- - Rain check?

I'm only gonna be here a couple days.

Cindy said it would only be a couple of days?

Well, she didn't specify. I just assumed, you know.

My father's heart attack, I was out of town three weeks.

No wonder Cindy didn't call me.

You need a relative for an imposition of this size.

Waiting for your sex?

Shut up.

Tia?

Tia?

Why'd you blow all that makeup for?

We're just going bowling.

I'm not going bowling.

Come on, it's a great sport, and it's virtually impossible

to get pregnant while doing it. If you catch my drift.

You're disgusting.

I'll die before I go anywhere with you.

- It's going to be fun. - They have rent-a-shoes.

And rent-a-foot-disease.

We've done the Battle of the wills.

The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.

Try me.

How'd you like to spend the next several nights wondering

if your crazy, out-of-work bum uncle

will shave your head while you sleep?

See you in the car.

♪ Ah, when the jukebox baby takes the floor ♪

♪ Round the old jukebox in the candy store ♪

♪ The joint starts jumpin' ♪

♪ Till the roof comes tumblin' down ♪

♪ Choo-choo-wah, choo-choo-wah, shooby-doo-wah ♪

♪ Jukebox baby, you're the swingingest doll in town ♪

Yeah!

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ Put a nickel in for Maybelline ♪

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ Drop another one for 17 ♪

- ♪ Jukebox baby ♪ - Now, this is a bowling ball.

♪ Whisper to your daddy-o three little love words ♪

♪ Ko-ko-mo ♪

♪ How ya gonna get your homework done ♪

♪ When you keep that jukebox on the run? ♪

♪ You don't dig Latin like ya dig that crazy sound ♪

♪ Choo-choo-wah, choo-choo-wah, shooby-doo-wah ♪

♪ Mmm, jukebox baby you're the swinginest doll in town ♪

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ I hear you knockin' ♪

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ Keep the coin box hoppin' ♪

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ Tell me sincerely ♪

♪ That you ain't forgettin' no "Tina Marie" ♪

♪ Hip-hip, hop-hop, ho-ho, hah-hah ♪

♪ Oh, jukebox baby... ♪

How you doing? Never seen you here before.

I know about everybody. That's why they call me "Pal."

Buy you a beer?

You must be a college student, right?

Cheerleader probably.

You look firm.

Come on, give it a push. That's it.

You like all-terrain vehicles?

I've got a brand-new Bronco right out in the parking lot.

Red.

Want to go for a ride?

Maizy, if the object of the game were to get the ball

as close to the pins without knocking any of them over,

you would be champion of the world.

- Really? - Really.

♪ Jukebox baby ♪

♪ You're the wingingest, dingingest ♪

♪ Swingingest doll in town ♪

My throat sort of hurts.

I can't-- I can't talk.

I got a cure for that.

Buck.

You got a game going somewhere, Pal?

- Yeah. - Yeah? You're not going to get any strikes

sitting there, are you? Move it! Go on! Get out!

Hey, hey, Shithead, where the hell you been?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Come on, sit down. I want you to meet my niece.

Tia, this is Rog. Rog, Tia.

Hi, how are you? E. Roger Coswell.

Come on, it ain't gonna bite.

Okay. You got to let somebody know where you are.

I've been checking car trunks for your corpse.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I've been in the suburbs looking after

my brother's kids for a few days, you know.

They're cuties, boy, I tell ya. Art Linkletter was right.

Kids do say the God damnedest things.

Is Chanice here?

No, I'm kind of flying solo tonight.

I want to let her have it for not marrying you.

If she'd cave and marry your worthless butt,

I would be able to find you.

I gotta talk business. I can't find you.

Oh, why don't we step into my office then?

Excuse us, will you? Come on, big mouth.

- It was nice meeting you. - I'll remember it always.

Yay!

Cute kid.

Jimmy Bean called.

Oh, yeah?

He's coming in for the Winter Million

at Burlington Park on Friday.

He says it's a boat race, very easy money.

He owes you, and he owes me.

So he says we should show up an hour before post time,

and he'll give us the tip.

Consider this, Buck.

With this score, your whole year's covered.

Maybe I can make it work.

I'll see you Friday night.

Thanks, Rog. Watch the Sterno, will you?

Ah! Hey, watch your fingers.

What's a "Chanice"?

That's someone who's sometimes seen around a Buck.

Your girlfriend?

A friend.

And, yes, she is a girl.

Are you supposed to marry her or something?

The subject has come up, yes, but nothing serious.

Maybe if you got married,

you'd stop being such an asshole.

Cigar?

No, thanks.

Let me know if you change your mind.

I will.

I'll get it nice and juicy for you.

This is where--

This is where you separate the men from the boys.

Easy. Easy.

There you go. Yeah, I got you now.

Happy birthday!

Whoo!

I hope you're hungry.

You should see the toast.

I couldn't get it through the door.

Announcement here.

There's going to be a delay on the clown.

What clown?

Miles' mom hired a clown.

Ooh!

What's the matter? You don't like clowns?

- Yeah, about five years ago. -

Now they're so boring, they make me puke.

The vest, the flower...

screw 'em, that's all they get.

I'm Pooter the Clown! Put it there, will ya!

Kids'll love that.

I didn't order you. My sister-in-law did.

She's not here right now. I'm looking after them.

I'm the uncle. Buck Russell's the name.

Great, listen, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at this all-night bachelorette party.

Hey, need any dildo jokes? I'm the guy!

What, did you have a few drinks this morning?

Huh? I think you did, didn't you?

What, are you Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?

No, but I wouldn't be drinking

if I was gonna entertain some kids.

I don't have to take any shit from you.

You know who I am?

In the field of local, live home entertainment,

I'm a god!

Get in your mouse and get out of here.

Hey, you, let me tell you something, you lowlife,

lying, four-flushing sack of shi--

Let's go out to the car, huh?

Why?

What do you mean "why"?

Not now.

It's fine.

It's not fine.

Why not?

I just don't feel right yet.

You ever going to feel right?

I don't get where we're going.

I told you 25 times. We're going to pick up Tia.

She's at a cheerleader's house having dinner.

Well, so she says.

Since when do cheerleaders live in the woods?

Come on, I'll take you home now.

I don't want to go home.

I'm okay.

Sure?

Trust me.

Shit.

Well, well, well.

They certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel

for cheerleaders these days.

What are you doing here?

We were just driving by, going out for some ice cream.

Thought you might like to join us.

I said I'd be home at 10:00. It's not even 9:00.

Who said anything about that?

I just thought you'd like to join us for some ice cream.

Maybe your Bug here can join us.

We can talk about burying the hatchet.

You know what a hatchet is, don't you Bug?

It's an ax?

Sort of, yeah, yeah.

I got one in the car if you'd like to see it.

I'll pass.

Fair enough.

I like to carry it, you know.

You never know when you're gonna need it.

You know, a situation may come up.

Say, oh, for example, someone's been drinking

and about to drive a loved one home.

Then I like to know I have it.

Not to kill, no. Just to maim.

Take a little off the shoulder.

The elbow.

Shave a little meat off the old kneecap.

Ooh! You got both kneecaps?

I like to keep mine razor-sharp, too.

Sharp enough to shave with them.

Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat.

You're not a gnat, are you, Bug?

Wait a minute.

Bug... gnat.

Is there a little similarity there?

Whoa, I think there is.

You understand what I'm talking about?

I don't think you do.

I'll be right back.

- I'm sorry. - Look, um,

I think you'd better split, you know?

I don't exactly want him going berserk with an ax on me.

He's all talk.

Here it is!

Come on over!

Come on, I want to show it to you.

Maybe later.

Okay.

[Tia] He's gone in a few days.

Just relax.

I'll get him back.

That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.

I bet she's getting the tongue.

Just looking.

Next.

Tell you what, Let me go in there first, okay?

I'll cover for you.

Give you more time out here to relax.

- Okay. - All right?

Morning.

I'm Anita Hoargarth.

Buck Melanoma, Moley Russell's wart.

Not her wart. Not her wart.

I'm the wart. She's my tumor.

My growth. My pimple.

I'm Uncle Wart.

Just old Buck "Wart" Russell, that's what they call me.

Or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that.

"Melanoma Head's coming."

I'm sor-- uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle.

I'm her uncle.

Her mother set up this conference with you.

I'm assistant principal here, as you've probably noticed

from the indications on the door.

This door?

- The outer door! - The outer door.

- Yes. - 'Cause there's nothing on this one.

That's just about enough of that.

Sorry.

I've been an educator

for 31 .3 years

and in that time, I've seen a lot of bad eggs.

I say "eggs" because at the elementary level,

we are not dealing

with fully-developed individuals.

I see a bad egg

when I look at your niece.

She is a twiddler, a dreamer,

a silly heart, and she is a jabberbox.

And, frankly,

I don't think she takes a thing in her life

or her career as a student seriously.

She's only six.

That is not a valid excuse!

I hear that every day, and I dismiss it.

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old

who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart.

I sure don't want to know one

who takes their student career seriously.

I don't have a college degree.

- I don't even have a job. -

Does anyone have a special story to tell the class

about something that happened this week?

Maizy.

My uncle was microwaving my socks,

and the dog threw up on the couch for about an hour.

- Honest? - Yes.

Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?

He can't get the God damn washing machine to work.

Blasphemer!

[Buck] But I know a good kid when I see one.

Because they're all good kids until dried-out,

brain-dead skags like you drag them down

and convince them they're no good.

You so much as scowl at my niece

or any other kid in this school and I hear about it,

and I'm coming looking for you.

Take this quarter.

Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face.

Good day to you, Madam.

Next?

Ah, yeah!

Hi, Chanice? This is Terry.

Uh, Walt Bern-- uh, Bern--

Jesus, would you get with the program?

Bernstein is his name.

I forgot to give you the number.

Don't get mad.

I hope somebody knows what they're doing down there.

- - Chanice? Buck.

I hate these machines.

Um, look, I'm just calling to say I miss you.

I know you probably don't believe it,

but it's true.

No, I haven't been drinking.

I've been thinking a lot about you

and what we've talked about the past weeks.

I think about you all the time,

and I think about those two dimples on your buns.

- - Dimples.

What did we call them? One was something--

The right was Lyndon, and the left was...

- Was Johnson. - Johnson, I think.

No, that was your boobs.

No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey.

I remember that because of Disney World.

And Felix, Felix is what we called your--

God damn kids!

Okay, come on, you, come on, get in the house.

What are you doing out here making all this noise?

Ah! Get in the house where you belong.

- Come on! -

Hey! Who let the cat out?!

[Miles] We don't have a cat!

Come on, get out. Get out.

Go on, shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

- Hey! -

Open up! Miles?!

Hello?

Hi. May I please speak to Buck Russell?

This is a friend of his, Chanice Kobolowski.

I'm sorry, Chanice.

He's not here right now.

Well, can you tell me when he's gonna be back?

He went out with Marcie,

the lady who lives across the street.

They usually stay out pretty late.

Do you want to leave a message?

Um... no, there's no message.

There's no message.

Ooh, hot!

[Marcie] ls there a big sexy guy in here?

Oh, please don't let it be true.

Hi.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

The laundry. What's it look like?

Washing machine's still broken,

so I thought I'd use the microwave.

Nuke them up, you know. Heats them up pretty good, too.

It kills the germs and the odors that they cause.

You don't know what you're doing.

You're bored out of your mind.

You need a little adult supervision.

Excuse me?

- - Come on.

- I don't want to dance. - Come on!

I don't feel like dan-- I'm not a dancer.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna leave unless you do.

Okay. One dance, though. That's it.

Because I really have to take a nap and--

All right, one dance. That's it.

Whoa.

What's this?

Oh, come on. The dog is watching.

Come on, what are you doing?

What is that, dirty dancing?

Uh-huh.

Isn't that where he had the girl by the neck and dipped her?

- Whoa! Ah! - Remember that?

- Dips... dips. -

Oh!

Ow... oh...

- Am I bleeding? - Uh, no.

What are you, get off! My back!

Hello?

[Buck] I mean it.

This is fun, though, isn't it? I guess.

My aerobic workout today.

Heart's beating like a rabbit here.

Oh.

Hi, Chanice.

Surprise!

- This is-- - Marcie.

Yeah, Marcie. And she lives across the road.

And she came over to--

Shut up, Buck.

That's a good idea.

Is this who you were out with last night?

What? I didn't go out last night.

Hey, look... honest!

Honest! Honest! I'm telling you the truth.

- You son of a bitch! - Don't say that, okay?

Chanice? Don't walk away-- Chanice!

Chanice! Hey, come here! Chanice!

Come here, hon!

Chanice, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Let me explain to you! Let me explain!

Chanice, I'm warning you! You're wrecking the driveway!

Chanice! Come on!

I love you!

Well, what flew up her nose?

You better, uh go home. Okay, Marcie?

Pick up your records. Party's over. Okay?

So I'll just go home and wait for the Federal Express man.

Good night, Uncle Buck.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.

- Uncle Buck? - Yeah?

- Got a minute? - I got lots of minutes.

Now that everything's okay with my grandfather,

I want to go out tomorrow night.

You can go crazy after I leave,

until then, I'm not letting you out.

You just can't find any way to be cool, can you?

You mean easy? No.

- I mean decent! - You mean blind.

Who are you trying to score points with?

My parents?

How many times have they had you here since we moved?

Try none, until they went up shit creek and got stuck.

Get used on your parents' time.

Hey, Buck!

Yeah?

Have a bad day today?

It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?

Last call.

There you go. There you go.

A little for you, a little for me.

Boy.

People used to say to me,

"Boy, Buck, you are one lucky son of a bitch.

You got it made, Buck.

You got it made." And I did.

Yeah, they'd say, "Oh, man, Buck.

Look at you, you don't have any kids.

You don't have any wife. You don't have a desk.

You don't have an office.

You don't have a boss to worry about."

Oh.

They were right. I had it made.

Only thing now is, Perce...

nobody says that anymore.

Oh, boy.

But...

it'll all be better tomorrow.

It always is.

Because tomorrow, we go to the track.

Win some dough, some serious dough.

Yeah.

Make a lot of money tomorrow, kiddo.

Want a little pretzel with your beer?

U.B. went to school to pick you up, you know.

You tell U.B. when he gets home that he lost, okay?

Lost what?

Just tell him. He'll know what it means.

I'll see you guys Sunday.

- What day is today? - Friday.

You know what that means.

Jumbo party.

You can put that on a platter and serve it up hot.

U.B.'s home.

Tia! Tia!

You guys seen Tia?

She took a breeze, U.B.

And she promised me she was going

to look after you guys this evening.

She promised me! So much for promises.

Does anyone in this house know how to keep a promise?

Well, I know you two guys do. I know.

You know, I had somewhere very important to go tonight.

This is how I make my living. This was very important to me.

My whole year was based on tonight.

It may be peanuts to your dad, but it's my living.

I have no choice.

I don't care what your parents are gonna say.

I have to take you with me tonight.

Where?

To a race track.

Here we go.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?

- Nope. - You sure?

Yep.

This is going to be fun, you know?

Beautiful horses, interesting people.

And win some serious coin, right?

Well, sometimes, yeah, but that's not the real reason

people go there.

People go because of the beautiful horses

and the colorful jockeys, and, uh--

Bug picked up Tia?

Mm-hmm.

And she said she was going to a party.

She said she'd be back Sunday. Must be a slumber party.

Hop in the back, there. Get your belts on.

Wants to go to a party all weekend?

Let her go to a party all weekend.

She's old enough to know better.

Hell, she doesn't listen to anybody anyway.

Damn kids.

Yeah? Kobolowski Tires.

Hi. It's me.

Buck, can't you ever take a hint?

Chanice, it's not about me. I got a problem at the house.

I need somebody to watch the kids.

No, I'll tell you what you need.

Your horse fixer's in town,

and you need to get to the track.

I ran into Rog. See, he told me all about it.

The idiot had the nerve to ask me for a loan.

What's the matter, you can't take children with you

when you're going to cheat on a horse race?

Ah, you got some religion out there in the 'burbs?

I came close. I had them in the car.

Can we put our personal problems aside for a second?

Tia took off on me. I was supposed to pick her up after school.

- She wasn't there. - What do you mean, she ran away?

I guess. I don't know.

She's 15, she's angry,

she's confused,

and I need to find her.

Can you help me?

I'm really stuck, Chanice.

All right, all right.

I will help you because there's kids involved in this,

but as far as you and I are concerned,

it is over.

However it has to be.

- I'll be there. - Thank you.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

- Your car's on fire. - Your car's on fire.

No, no, no, it's just a little oil.

I'm looking for a party somewhere around here.

Oh, that's on Totowa Lane.

My niece is there.

- Ugh, our son is there. - Oh, kids.

I don't think you ought to go in there with that hat on.

- They'll kill you. - Really?

- Yeah. - Thanks for the tip.

I'm-- I'm supposed to come over and watch you?!

Hi.

I'm Chanice Kobolowski. I'm Uncle Buck's friend.

May I see your driver's license, ma'am?

Yeah.

Sure.

Good idea.

I got it.

Can you please take it out of there?

Take it out?!

You okay?

Come on, what's the matter?

Coming through here. How you doing?

How are you? Having a good time?

Seen a guy named Bug around here?

I'm Tia Russell's uncle. You girls know Tia?

No? She's kind of new. I'm her uncle.

How you doing?

You haven't seen the Bug around here, have you?

You seen Bug? Nice guy.

Hey, hey come back here with that!

♪ ...yellow, she says "Hello, ♪

♪ Come sit next to me, you fine fellow" ♪

♪ You run over there without a second to lose ♪

- ♪ And what comes next... ♪ - How you doing?

- ♪ ...hey, bust a move ♪ - Anybody seen Bug around here?

Hey, nice music.

Who is that, the Grass Roots?

I'm kidding. I know my music.

Stop it, please.

What the hell is that? Hey, party time!

Let's get down here, huh? You seen Bug around here?

You know who I'm talking about? You seen Bug?

That's good stuff.

Keep it up. Keep it up.

See you on Dick Clark.

Hey, how you doing?

Crowded, huh?

Whoa! Get down. Get down. Get down.

I don't want to do this.

Just relax.

Hello, young fella. How are you?

I'm Tia Russell's uncle, Buck Russell.

Have you seen the Bug around? No? I'm looking for him.

You're Tia Russell's uncle? Really?

- - Hey, give me that!

Take my hat, ya punk!

- Don't mention it. - All right, Pop.

- ♪ ...baby you got it ♪ -♪ Break it down for me, fellas ♪

You haven't seen a guy named Bug, have you?

Everybody knows Bug. Hip, hip guy, you know?

Hey, let me through, will you? Your mother know you do that?

Hey, this room's taken.

- I want to go. - No, you don't.

That door opens, I'm going to kick somebody's ass!

Do you hear me?

Tia?

You were right.

Everything you said would happen happened.

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to get you home.

Is this a trick?

No.

You know what happened?

Yeah.

Are you going to tell my parents

about everything that's been going on?

No.

Thanks.

I've been riding your butt all week

about how you live your life.

I realized maybe somebody should have been riding mine.

I'm probably the last guy in the world

you'd want to help...

I really could use your advice vis-à-vis Chanice.

I've been, uh...

stringing her along for about eight years now.

Maybe you could figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

I did such a great job earning your trust and admiration.

I'm confused why I can't do the same with Chanice.

You know, there's...

one family charity case that, uh...

that loves you very much.

I'm sorry.

Hey, come on.

Nothing to be sorry about.

I'm just kind of glad I got a chance to know you again.

Did you do anything to Bug?

Oh, my God.

What did you do?

You shithead! I could have suffocated in here!

Um, do you know what I'd like you to do?

Actually, you could be doing both of us a favor.

I'd like you to apologize to the lady, please.

I'm sorry!!

I'm sorry! Okay, asshole?!

I'm sorry!

I don't know if I told you this or not,

but I'm an amateur dentist.

- Oh, yes, he is. -

I'm sorry.

Get him out of there.

Yeah? It was halfhearted. We'll let him. Come on, here we go.

- I'm really sorry. - I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are.

- I-- I am. - Let me get you.

- There you go. - I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

There you go. There you go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Shall we? - Yeah.

Yeah?! Well, come on back and I'll kick your ass, man!

Chicken shit! You're dead!

Shit.

I'm going to sue your balls off, man!

Why don't you come and get me, man, huh, huh?

Come on, man!

I'm going to sue you,

and I'm gonna sue your whole family!

Okay, pal, time for a golf lesson.

My dad's a lawyer, man! You're history!

A little five wood.

What? What? What are you doing, man?

You're history, man! You're wasted!

I'm going to sue you for everything you've got, man!

You're going to be broke! So come on, come and get me!

You fat son-- agh!

Yes, sir!

You-- you son of a bitch! That hurt!

Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm not sorry, all right?

I ain't sorry for sh--

What do you see in that guy anyway?

I can't for the life of me figure that one out.

Don't answer. Don't answer. You don't have to.

I appreciate the confession, Tia, thank you, thanks a lot.

But my problems with Buck go a whole lot deeper

than a misunderstanding with a neighbor lady.

[Tia] Don't you think he loves you?

If he does, he'd never say it.

What if he did?

Then I would suspect he needed a new set of tires.

Seriously.

[Chanice] Seriously, you're very sweet to talk about this.

But I don't think you understand the bigger picture.

See, Buck's a charming man

who wants to remain a boy forever.

Boy?

And at my age, that doesn't make for a lasting relationship.

Well... I think he'd make a wonderful husband and father.

- You do? - Oh, yeah.

My sister and brother adore him.

Um, he really has changed since he's been here this week.

He really has changed.

He's responsible, caring...

and loving...

and enthusiastic.

Energetic.

Energetic.

- - And decent.

- Kind and-- - [Buck snorting]

And humble.

And honest and forthright.

Sense of humor.

And he's really got a great sense of humor.

Did he by any chance put you up to this?

No! Oh, no, mnh-mnh.

No, I've just gathered this from my own observations.

No? Well...

- No, it's just the way he is. - Really?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So unlike him.

Ow-w-w-w!

Check this out.

Hi, honey.

Is the, uh, coffee ready?

A little thirsty.

By the way, I have told you I loved you.

And it wasn't for tires, sweetheart.

It was for shocks, remember?

Are they sweethearts or what?

This one's smart as a whip.

I'm going to miss them like crazy.

They're beautiful children. What happened to you?

Recessive gene. It skips every nine generations.

I got it this time. Tragic.

It isn't so bad, is it?

What?

The house, the family, the kids.

Oh, oh, yeah. It was great. This is great.

You know, we should have done this a long time ago,

something like this, you and I.

They're here!

What are we doing?

Well, your mother, you see,

and your sister have to, uh, sort some things out.

And so they have to sort things out.

So we're going to be very quiet for them.

So why don't we put a button on it like this.

And a zipper like that.

And a lock.

I can't talk at all. I throw the key away.

It's going to be real different. I promise.

[Tia] I love you.

Shit!

- Bye! - Bye, Uncle Buck!

[Chanice] Could I get out the door, please?

- I'm going, all right? - This is heavy.

Bye, Chanice. Bye! Bye!

[Miles] See you on the flip side, U.B.!

Hey, next time you're downtown,

maybe we can go out for a coffee.

Okay.

We really had a good time. I know it's kind of ridiculous.

We did leave the house a little messy.

We did try or best. We're not so good at--

Chanice.

- What? - We're going home.

- We're not dying. - I'm saying goodbye.

Is that all right? All right, nice guy, isn't he?

Tell the neighbors we're really sorry about having that thing

parked in the driveway all week.

He's getting a new company car on Monday.

The hell I am, the Beast is good for another 100,000 miles.

Yeah, well, it's too that bad you're not.

That's funny, Chanice. That's really good.

See what I put up with? And don't drive fast.

I'm not fixing any more tickets for you.

♪ The rhythm of life ♪

♪ Has a curious sound ♪

♪ The beat goes on ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And the rhythm ♪

♪ Go round ♪

♪ You see, on that night we were so full of desire ♪

♪ Danced so hard until we dance higher ♪

♪ For the people so their hearts wouldn't harden ♪

♪ by the light of the bombs in the garden ♪

♪ Boom ♪

♪ Lions sigh ♪

♪ Lovers roar ♪

♪ People die ♪

♪ So dance ♪

♪ Until you dance no more ♪

♪ Dance till you ♪

♪ Dance no more, come on ♪

♪ Oh, to the rhythm of life ♪

♪ Such a furious thing ♪

♪ It can make you cry ♪

♪ It can make you sing ♪

♪ The rhythm of life ♪

♪ Has a curious sound ♪

♪ The beat goes on, on ♪

♪ And the rhythm goes ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Go round ♪

[Buck] Wake up!