All language subtitles for The.Bank.Dick.1940.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

Egbert Souse?
Why, isn't that an odd name?

It isn't pronounced "Souse."
Accent grave over the "e."

Egbert Sous�.
Oh, I see.

What's he up to now?
What is he up to?

Your guess is as good as mine, Ma.
I never know what to expect next.

I bet anything he's smoking
up in his room again!

This time, Agatha, you've
got to just tell him to stop!

His smokin' gave me asthma.
Oh, Ma!

If he don't, I'm going on the county.
Ma!

Imagine a man tying to
take care of his family...

by going to theater bank nights, working
puzzle contests and suggesting slogans.

Telephone's ringing!

Don't answer it, Elsie Mae. It's probably
the LaCavas wanting their lawn mower back.

We're not finished with it yet.

Hello, daughter.
Hello.

Hello, Myrtle.
Hello.

Hello.
Hello.

Agatha, this time
you've just got to tell him!

I just can't stand it!
It's just a lingering death.

If you don't,
I will go on the county!

What's eatin' you?

My Sunday school teacher,
Mr. Stackhouse, told me...

that he saw my father coming out
of a saloon the other day...

and that Dad was smoking a pipe!

Oh, I'll kill myself

What's the matter with her?

I'll starve myself to death.

It's the easiest way out.
It's not so difficult to do.

I tried it yesterday afternoon.

Oh, that must be Og.
Will you excuse me?

- Nice potatoes.
- Thank you.

Why don't we get
any more crumpets?

Smoking and drinking!

And reading those infernal
detective stories!

House just smells
of liquor and smoke.

There he goes again,
down to the saloon...

to read that silly
detective magazine!

Mother's right. You've been
smokin' again in your room.

Imagine the man who takes money out
of a child's piggy bank, puts in I.O.U s.

Don't you dare
strike that child!

You put that down!
Put it down!

Uh, Og, I'd like you
to meet my father.

Father, this is Og Oggilby.

Og Oggilby.

Sounds like a bubble
in a bathtub.

I'm glad to have met ya!
Mighty glad to have met you.

Your father seems awfully nice.

Yes, we think so.

What seems to be the trouble?

Are you carrying the proper
amount of air in the tires?

Uh, had the brakes
tested lately?

Course, it may be the wheelbase.

Those are tools. Why don't you go
away and mind your own business?

Listen to the gentleman
attentively, James.

- Be polite.
- Thank you, madam.

Give me a shift expander.
I'll fix it.

A what?
Monkeywrench.

Give the gentleman
what he asks for, James.

Here's all you gotta do.
Just open up this nut here.

I was down to Cape Cod
most of... that year.

Say, you'll have to either Vaseline
this place in here or move the post over.

I had half interest in a cod-liver-oil
mine down in Cape Cod.

Snowed all winter.

We did a lot of boondoggling.

Did you ever boondoggle, Joe?

No, I can't say that I have.

These cloves are pretty dry.

Better sprinkle them
with alcohol.

How do you do?

Meet you up the Elk's Club
several weeks ago? No.

Never did, eh?

Ever do any boondoggling? No.

Give me a beer. Never have, eh?
Mine's a poultice.

Never done boondoggling.
Must've been another fellow, I guess.

Take off your hat
in the presence of a gentleman.

Well, here she goes.

Down the hatch.

But I tell you
he's drunk, Q.Q.

Said he had trouble
with his wife. Yes.

We have tried,
but he isn't sober!

The best I can?

But you don't understand,
Q.Q.!

Hello? Hello?

The best I can!

Um, gimme a... Good morning.

Good morning.
What can you give me for shattered nerves?

I've got the jitters.

Joe, if the gentleman has
butterflies in his stomach,

I suggest a dash of Rover.

Rover?
Uh, dog, absinthe.

It's very good for the nerves.

That's fine.
Thank you.

That's just what I needed.

My name's
Mackley Q. Greene.

And a man more beset by
trouble you'll ever see. Again.

I'm here in Lompoc
on a movie location.

My director started on a bender,
and that's always good for ten days.

We've got a 36-hour schedule
and a stinko script.

It's a bubke and opens in this
very town the day after tomorrow.

Ah! Oh, you're yelling
right down my alley!

In the old Sennett days I
used to direct Fatty Arbuckle,

Charlie Chaplin, Buster
Keaton and the rest of 'em.

I can't get the celluloid
outta my blood.

Nights I used to tend bar.

Would you entertain a
proposition to direct this picture?

Um... Take a chance on a
percentage of the profits basis?

Um, um, yes.
Just a moment.

Uh, was I in here last night,
and did I spend a $20 bill?

Yeah!

Oh, boy! What a load
that is off my mind!

I thought I'd lost it.

Here you are.
Keep the change.

I've got a script I've had
in mothballs for 20 years.

I read it to Irving and Milton
who run the Gem Cinema down here.

They said to me,
they said, "Sous�,

it's better than
Gone With the Wind."

My car's outside.
Let's get down on the set. Okay.

Uh, I'll bring
the glasses back later.

Take a note, please.

Oh, Mr. Clam, please.
It's good for you.

Still can't do a thing with him,
Mr. Greene. He's tight as a snare drum.

We won't bother anymore with him.
Mr. Sous� will take over the direction.

Oh, fine. Glad to meet you, Mr. Sous�.
Glad to know you.

Must've been a gnat.

Here comes Francois
and Miss Plupp.

Oh, yeah.

Ah. This is Miss Plupp,
I take it.

Yeah. And you
are Francois?

This is Mr. Sous�. He's taking
over the direction of the picture.

Did you sleep well last night?
Oh, I...

- Uh, maybe un peu?
- Comme ci, comme �a.

I don't know whether this part
is suited to my personality or not.

Don't give it a thought.
I've changed everything.

Instead of it being
an English drawing-room drama,

I've made it a circus picture.

Dorothy, don't just sit there!
Take down everything he says.

Good morning, Mr. Greene. Aah!

It's Saturday afternoon.

You make touchdown
after touchdown.

You kick goals.
You make passes.

You make the longest run with the
ball that was ever made on the field.

In these clothes?

You could change your hat.

Take it easy there.
That's all right, Mr. Clam. Swell. Swell.

Everything's gonna be all right.
Just take...

Uh, he sees you
in the $50 seats.

He immediately
falls in love with ya.

He can't take his eyes off ya.

How can he play base... Foot.

Ball, and watch me in the grandstand?
It's part of the plot.

Attaboy!

Lift him up. That's swell.
Now you're doin' good.

We're playin' the thing
very digni... fied.

Uh, service, please.

- Come on, boys. Come on.
- Ahh!

It's him! For the love of Pete!

Attention.

Ah, we'll just walk
through this thing.

Take it, Miss Plupp, where you
come down out of the grandstand.

He makes me sick!

Shall I bounce a rock off his head?
Respect your father.

What kind of a rock?
Oh, shut up!

You're both madly
in love with each other.

Embrace.

Is she standing in a hole?
No, sir.

Go ahead.
Read your lines.

When does this thing stop?
It's all right.

You're doing all right.

Ice cream. Got any cigars, kid?
You know the brand.

We're making
motion-picture history here.

I want quiet!
Quiet from everybody!

Pa is drunk again!

Cut that out.
Take your dirty hands off me!

Get back to your places.

Here.

Give this, uh, that
number seven expression.

"Those eyes!
Those ears!"

I wanna be in the picture.

Uh, I'll put you in
later on, dear.

Uh, "Give me all..."

What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me?

Sure, I love ya!
Don't you dare strike that child.

Ah, she's not gonna tell me
I don't love her.

"Those eyes."
Those eyes.

Those ears!

That nose!

Oh, Godfrey Daniel!

Mother-of-pearl!

The child is only playing
with you, you fool.

Mmm, I don't understand
her funning.

Let's, uh...

Uh, now to continue.

"Those eye..."

Um, thanks.

Oh, uh, study that script.
Say, Joe.

Mr. Sous�! Mr. Sous�!
How do you like that?

Mr. Greene, you haven't
another thing to worry about.

- I'm perfectly okay.
- You look it.

Getting quite late.
It is, isn't it?

See you're still at it.
Serves ya right.

- Be courteous, James.
- Yes, ma'am.

We'll leave the motor running.
Come on.

Pass over all that dough
and do it quietly.

Imagine a guy parking his car in front of a
"no parking" sign with the engine runnin'!

A two buck fine'll do him a lot of good.
Let's take it to headquarters.

Don't forget to keep your foot
off that alarm.

Somebody must've nailed the car.
Let's take it on the lam.

Help! Help!
Police! Help!

Help! Police! Robbery! Help!

Come on! Help!
Police! Help!

Help! Help! Police! Robbery!

Did you see them?
They went down that alley.

Let's cut that money up right now.
Let's keep goin'.

Supposin' we get split up?
What of it?

How much money you got?
Start countin'. No.

Don't you trust me?
I don't trust nobody, not even my mother.

Give me my end of that.
Turn loose of me, will ya?

Bank robbers, two of 'em!
They went down this alley.

"Out to tea.Joe."
He'll be drinkin' sarsaparilla next.

Gimme half of that dough.
I will not!

Must be another hold up
somewhere nears.

There they are!

Grab him while I put these on.
That's not one of the crooks.

That's Mr. Sous�. Yeah, Sous�.
Accent grave over the "e."

Fine job, Mr. Sous�,
apprehending this desperado...

and retrieving the bank's funds.
What?

You saved the $50,000.
That's the most important part!

Yeah, 50,000 ain't hay, no.

Those fellows got away, huh?
What happened? Uh, yes.

Yes, he got away.
Pulled a knife on me that long!

- An assegai.
- Lucky you had that revolver.

You always carry it with you?
Ooh, take this.

We detectives
gotta do those things.

Never know when you're gonna
catch a couple bank robbers.

I know Mr. Skinner would like to thank
you personally after what's just happened.

Drop into the bank. I will.
I'll go down and tell him all about it.

Which way did the other fellow go?
The other fellow?

He went away.
Away where?

Look out!
Look out there!

I'll give 'im
a punch in the nose.

See those handcuffs
are on tight, will ya?

Come to headquarters and identify this guy.
Okay.

I'll break every bone
in his head.

Myrtle should be proud to have
a father like you. I guess she is.

No wonder after
a thing like that.

Elsie Mae Adele
Brunch Sous�'s father...

just caught a burglar, and he tried
to cut his throat with a knife this long!

Yeah.

And he had a gun about this big!

You don't say! Did you kill
him with one bullet, Mr. Sous�?

Jiminy. You're pretty good.
Jiminy! Boy!

One or two bullets I don't know.
I was so busy shooting him.

- That's the way I catch burglars.
- Do another.

Oh, boy! Ooh!

Will you teach me?
That's swell.

I'll teach you when you grow up.

I never smoked a cigarette
till I was nine.

Sign my autograph book, Mr. Souse?
Ah, Sous�, son.

Accent grave over the "e."
Sous�. There's the accent.

I saw ya through the window.
Did ya?

A knife four feet long, eh?
I'll say!

The sword Lee surrendered to Grant
was a potato peeler by comparison.

You better come in and have
a little poultice on the house.

I don't mind if I do.

Mr. Sous�?
Yeah?

Here's the interview you gave me for my
paper. Look it over and see if it's correct.

Oh, thanks.
I'll peruse it instanta

Oh, yes. "Skinner's
National Bank robbed.

"Egbert Sous� makes
daring and heroic effort...

Hey, you!

"...of Loudmouth McNasty,
alias the Wildcat.

"Drawing his revolver, which
he carries for such emergencies,

he struck McNasty..."

You see, putting things like that
on motor cars is what kills people.

Get outta there!

"For such emergencies..."

The Lompoc Picayune Intelligencer...

just got out a special edition telling
how I apprehended them two crooks.

For heaven's sake, Egbert, can't you
see we're playin' an interesting game?

There was an article in there telling
how I apprehended a couple of crooks...

who stole $2 million
from Skinner's Lompoc Bank.

You would!
Skinner's Lompoc Bank!

Them's the shylocks that's got the
mortgage on this house, ain't they?

They're haunting you from morning
till night, the old pinchpennies!

Why don't you move... I'm sorry
they didn't get away with the bank.

Leave it to him!
He would do a thing like that!

Um, I think I'll go
up to my room for a moment.

They want me to come down to the bank
to get a reward, or a job or something.

I'll go down in the morning.

Don't you smoke up in your room.

Oh, no, I won't, dear.

What am I doing?

Hello, Og.
Hello, honey.

That was a great stunt your father pulled.

Two crooks stole $25,000. I never knew your
father had so much intestinal fortitude.

Are you kidding?
No!

Come on.
Let's talk about us, dear.

Your father took his pistol and hit one of the
fellows over the head. He hasn't got a pistol.

The paper said your father took a
double-edged assegai from one of the fellas.

A what's-agai?
An assegai, a sword.

Where did the newspapers get the story?
From your father.

He admitted the whole thing to the police.

Let's talk about us, Og.

Well, I get my bonus
pretty soon,

and I've already picked out
your engagement ring.

Oh. Ah, Oggie.

Ah! Oh, golly. Mmm.

Shucks.

I have an appointment with
Mr. Skinner, president of the bank.

Step to one side, please.
Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Carroll.

I had an appointment with
Mr. Skinner, the... Please, just one side.

Here, sir.
There you are.

I, uh... The president...
Please, will you step to one side.

Just a moment.

Nice weather we're having.
Yes, it is.

Yes.
Clever observation.

How have you been, Mr. Penny?
Fine, thank you.

That's good.
That's very interesting.

Uh, I...

How do you do?
Oh, yeah.

How do you do?
Oh, how are you, sir?

Well as can be expected after that
tussle I put up with those two bandits.

Oh, yes.
Yeah, I went to see the doctor,

and he says as result of that
scrap, I'll probably have to have...

a kidney and my gall bladder removed.

He said I also may need
an appendectomy.

I saw young Oggilby.
He told me to see the president.

Oh, yes.
Will you step aside, please. Huh?

Just step to one side.

Ahh!
Thank you.

Good mornin', sir.
How are you?

I wanna draw my money
outta the bank.

- You're not gonna close your account with us, are you?
- I sure is!

- Is there any particular reason?
- Yes, sir. I'm scared!

Every time I come in here,
you got your hat on.

Look like you gettin' ready to take off.
It keeps me nervous.

Oh, I just wear this hat on
account of a little hay fever.

Excuse me.
That's all right.

I haven't any right
standing in front of the hole.

Where's his office?
Is he in? Oh, no, oh...

Mr. Skinner's office is right over there.
Yes, right over there.

Good morning, Mr. Sous�.
Good morning. Good morning.

Mr. Skinner's expecting you. Is he?
Thanks very much. I'll go right in.

We want to show our appreciation of
your gallantry and daring. Thank you.

I wish to personally
give you a hearty handclasp.

Oh, thanks.
Hearty handclasp, yes.

And to present you with
the company's compliments...

one of our 1940 calendars

made especially for this bank,

entitled
"Spring in Lompoc."

Oh! Doesn't look
unlike the Mona Lisa.

- Won't you be seated?
- Oh, thanks.

I've been in consultation with our director
and we've decided that what's been needed...

in this bank for a long time
is a special officer. Oh, yes.

Or to revert to the argot of the
underworld, a "bank dick." Oh, yeah.

In lieu of your heroism,
your valiant dauntless courage,

I have the honor to offer you
this position. Oh, thank you.

The remuneration at first
will be small.

We're a growing concern.
We're young. Yes, yes.

But there are many chances for advancement.
Who knows?

Within a short time, you may
become my vice president.

Oh!
My first and only vice.

Very good, very...

What time in the morning?
The bank opens at 10:00.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

If I'm not here on time, just go right
ahead without me. I'll catch up with ya.

And, oh, yes. We will deduct a certain
amount from your salary each week...

Uh-oh. to pay off the interest
of the mortgage on your home.

Yes, yes. Otherwise it would
necessitate our foreclosing.

In view of what has transpired, that
would cause us heartfelt contrition.

Ah, you took the very words
right outta my mouth.

I'll see you here Monday then,

and I'll bring my
detective disguises with me.

Og. Listen, Og,

there's more to this detective
business than meets the eye.

It requires cunning
and resourcefulness,

and I have both.

I have a thousand disguises
at home.

I'll come in with one of those disguises
on. If you recognize me, you go...

Like this? Not up high.
It's too blatant. Go down there.

Just give me a little one,
like that.

If you don't recognize me,
go, uh...

Well, if you don't recognize me,
you won't know what to do.

And you won't recognize me.

Now, I'll be in here later.

You gotta keep in practice
in this game.

You never know when
you're gonna...

have to use your gun.

I really have a reason
for a snort this morning.

After that bout I put up
with those two crooks

I'm still arm weary.

The president of the bank called me in.
He says, "Sous�."

I says, "Yes."

He says, "I want you
down here for our bank dick.

We've wanted a bank dick
for a long while."

He says,
"In your Christmas box...

will, in all probability,
be the vice presidency of this bank."

What'll it be?

A depth bomb.

Keep your hat off there.

Very tasty. I think
I'll have another one.

Um, some fresh water.

And a towel, thank you.

Never like to bathe
in the same water twice.

Neat little trick, isn't it?

Pardon me. I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

Oh, pardon me. Pardon me.
It's quite all right.

Waterbury's my name.
J. Frothingham Waterbury.

Thank you. Very glad to know you.
My name's Sous�.

How do you do, Mr. Sous�?
Accent the grave over the "e."

Oh, so? I'm in the bond and stock business.
Oh, yeah.

I have 5,000 shares of the
Beefsteak Mines in Leapfrog, Nevada...

that I want to turn over to your bank.
Yeah?

I like this town. I want to get some
contacts, and I think you're the man.

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share, and, uh...

Ten cents cash? That's okay.
Oh, that's terrible!

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share. Yeah?

A telephone company once sold
for five cents a share! Five cents!

These shares are twice as expensive;
therefore, they'll be twice as valuable.

Sure they will. Oh, no.
Naturally, you're no dunce.

The telephone is now listed
at $1.73, and you can't buy it.

$1.73.
$3,460 for every nickel you put into it.

The point I'm trying
to make is this.

Huh?
The point I'm trying to make is:

These shares sell for ten cents.
It's simple arithmetic.

If five'll get you ten,
ten'll get you twenty. Sure.

Sixteen-cylinder cars. A big home in
the city, balconies upstairs and down.

A home in the country,
big trees, private golf course,

stream running through
the rear of the estate.

Warm Sunday afternoon
fishing under the cool trees,

sipping ice-cold beer.

I can almost see the foam.
Yeah.

Ham and cheese on ye.
With mustard.

Yeah. We have plenty of
mustard at the house. Yeah.

Then this guy comes up the shady
drive in an armored car from the bank,

and he dumps a whole basket of coupons
worth hundreds of thousands of dollars...

Yeah?
Right in your lap.

And he says, "Sign here, please,
on the dotted line."

I'll have a fountain pen by that time.
Yes.

Then he's off to
the soft chirping...

of our feathered friends
in the arboreal dell. Oh.

That's what these bonds mean!
They do, eh?

I'd rather part with my dear grandmother's
paisley shawl or her wedding ring...

than to part with these bonds. Yeah, it
must be tough to lose a paisley shawl.

Thank you.

Gosh! Oh,
pardon my language.

It's all right. I swear sometimes myself.
I feel like a dog.

But, it's now or never.
It must be done.

So take it or leave it.
I'll take it.

Fine! Fine. Fine.

Meet me down at the bank in about an hour.
Why, certainly!

My card.
Oh, thanks.

Boy, I got you set for life. I don't hang
around that Black Pussy Cafe for nothing.

I met a fellow who's in trouble.

Something the matter with
his grandmother's paisley shawl.

He has 5,000 shares in
the Beefsteak Mine,

and you can buy them
for a handful of hay.

Hay? And they're worth...

Ten cents a share.
Telephone sold for five cents a share.

How would you like something
better for ten cents a share?

If five gets you ten,
ten'll get you twenty.

Beautiful home in the
county, upstairs and down.

Beer flowing through the estate
over your grandmother's paisley shawl.

Beer?
Beer!

Fishing in the stream that
runs under the arboreal dell.

A man comes up from the bar,

dumps $3,500 in your lap
for every nickel invested.

Says to you, "Sign here
on the dotted line;'

and then disappears in
the waving fields of alfalfa.

Gosh! Do you think
he was telling the truth?

You don't think a man would
resort to taradiddle, do you?

Why, he sounded like a child at the
very thought of disposing of these shares.

How does the bank
make its money?

By investing.
That's the point.

You don't want
to work all your life.

Take a chance.
Take it while you're young.

My uncle,
a balloon ascensionist,

Effingham Hoffnagle,
took a chance.

He was three miles and a half
up in the air.

He jumped out of
the basket of the balloon...

and took a chance of
lighting on a load of hay.

Golly! Did he make it? H m m.

Uh, no, he didn't.

Had he been a younger man,
he probably would have made it.

That's the point.
Don't wait too long in life.

I've never done
anything like this.

And another thing,
I haven't got the money.

Of course, my bonus comes due in four days.
That's $500. I could buy 'em then.

Then with all that money, I really
might be worthy of your daughter's hand.

Women really appreciate
the fine things in life.

You don't wanna die and leave your
wife and children paupers, do you? No.

Borrow the $500 from the bank.

You intend to pay it back when
your bonus comes due, don't ya?

Oh, sure. Surely!
Don't be a luddy-duddy.

Don't be a moon calf.

Don't be a jabbernowl.
You're not those, are you? No.

I guess there's no way you could
confuse it with stealing, is there?

Ha! Nothing could be
more absurd!

Well, all right.
Send him in.

He won't be here
till 11:00.

Got him! Back! Back!
Oh, what do you mean?

The idea!
Is that gun loaded?

Certainly not,
but I think you are.

Mommy, doesn't that man
have a funny nose?

You mustn't make fun
of the gentleman, Clifford.

You'd like to have a nose like
that full of nickels, wouldn't you?

I'll throw him in the wastepaper
basket next time he comes in here.

How do you do?
How do you do?

I'm the officer.
Can I help you?

I'd like to see
Mr. Skinner, please.

Yes, he'll be very glad
to see you, I'm sure.

Very glad.

J. Pinkerton Snoopington,
bank examiner.

Is that right?
Yes.

He'll be very glad
to see you, but, um,

he's gone out to
the golf course on business...

and probably won't
be back till midnight.

If he does return,
where can he call you?

I'm stopping at the New Old
Lompoc House on the avenue.

Oh, New Old Lompoc House!
Yes, yes.

Frank Cridellhoffer, the management.
I know him well.

You do?
If you need anything during the night,

just mention my name.
Yes, I will.

That's fine, yes.

Got some bad news for ya.

Can you take it now, or
shall I hold it off a little longer?

That was the bank examiner,
wasn't it?

You guessed it the first time.

I knew this would happen. I was
a perfect idiot to ever listen to you.

You listen to me, Og.

There's nothing in this
world that is perfect.

It'll be four days before I get my
bonus and can replace that money.

Oh, was I a dope.
I've sacrificed everything:

my job, my marriage
to your daughter.

Keep my daughter's name
out of this.

Don't you ever tell me again I'm
not a jabbernowl and a moon calf.

Please get out of the office,
Mr. Sous�. This is terrible.

I reiterate, Ogilthorpe.
Leave everything to me.

Don't worry about a thing.

Hello, hello.

Give me
the New Old Lompoc House.

Yeah, the New Old.

Charlie on the desk?

What's a six-letter word
meaning "embezzlement"? Prison.

I'll bet that's Og.

Hmm, he's got her bettin'.
She never gambled before she met him.

Ah, hello, Og.
Hello, dear.

Still workin' on your
crossword-puzzle book? Uh-huh.

I'll tell you one on Grandma.
I asked 'em to give me...

a six-letter word meaning
"embezzlement;' and she said "prison."

Isn't that a hot one?

She's right.
What's the matter with you?

I've got something to confess.

Our engagement is off.
Og, what are you saying?

Oh, well, it's only off
for a while, dear;

that is, if you're willing to
wait until I get out of prison.

Og, don't scare me.
Oh, stop fooling.

What do you mean?
Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight.

Your father brought a man
into the bank who sold me...

his old grandmother's paisley shawl
with a beer river running through it.

I don't know what it was!
Are you sick?

Let me feel your head.
Ooh, you've got a fever.

I don't know what I've got, but your
father got me to take $500 from the bank...

and invest it in... Og!

Shh. Not so loud. I don't want your
mother or grandmother to hear this.

He got me to invest it in telephone
and telegraph and electric light company.

No, it wasn't telephone or telegraph.
It was a Beefsteak Mine.

A Beefsteak Mine!
Og, have you been drinking?

I'm going to tell my mother that my father got
you to drink and steal money from the bank.

No, listen, dear.
I'm gonna tell my mother right away...

that my father got you to steal money from
the bank and invest it in a Beefsteak Mine.

Oh, now, Myrtle!

It was nice of you to call me.
Oh, not at all!

I knew you were a stranger.
I wanted to make your stay happy.

I work for the Chamber of
Commerce when I'm not on my regular...

Would you like to weigh yourself?
Oh, no.

I know the manager here.
He'll let you weigh yourself for nothing.

Um, Lompoc is noted
for its beautiful girls.

I imagine you've noticed some.
Yes, I have.

I'm a married man with a
grown daughter 18 years of age.

Oh, I'd like to meet her.

I'm very fond of children...
Girl children around 18, 20.

I have a young daughter of
marriageable age, also a small daughter;

nice wife and a mother-in-law
that loves me like her own son.

Would you like to give
the town a double "O"?

A little constitutional
couldn't possibly hurt. No.

Ha! The Black Pussy Cafe
and snack bar.

Hello, Fancy. How would you
like to go in and have a little spot?

Mm-mm. No, no. I never drink
during business hours, thank you.

Just a little spot, and we'll find out
how Gumlegs came out at Del Mar today.

This, uh... This place
isn't crowded, is it?

No! If it wasn't for me,
the place'd starve to death.

Well, I'll dawdle for about ten minutes.
We'll dawdle together.

Oh, after you.
Thank you.

Nice little place here.

Could we find a secluded spot
where we won't be observed?

Oh, surely. Sit down there.
Nobody will see you.

These are just a couple
of local beer guzzlers.

Could we pull the shade?

You can pull anything you want in here.
It's a regular joint.

I know Joe very well.
What's your pleasure?

Uh, Rye highball.
Rye highball.

Make it light.
Light? Fine.

Hi, Mr. Sous�.
What'll it be?

I want two highballs.

One very light.
You can double up on mine.

Has Michael Finn
been in here today?

- No, but he will be.
- Mm-hmm. That's good.

How'd Gumlegs come out in the fifth?
He ran sixth.

Oh, the dog!

You ever bet on the races?
No. I never wager.

You never wager. It's not a bad idea.
It's a good system.

I bet on that Gumlegs once.

He won. But the jockey
got of fat the three-quarters...

and had to carry him
across the tape on his back.

He's a beetle.
The jockey was a very insulting fellow.

He referred to my proboscis...

as an adsatitious excrescious.

I had to tweak his nose.

I was compelled to...
Oh, that's fine, thank you.

Well, no one's looking.

Down the hatch.
Down the...

I feel deathly ill.

Well, fill 'em up again, Joe.

No, no, please. I've never
had such a feeling in all my life.

Probably it's something
you've eaten.

I haven't eaten anything.
There you are, you haven't eaten.

Let's go over.
I'll get you some nice chili con carne.

Or it may be the altitude.

Come on.

My error. Don't worry about a thing.
You're all right.

It may be the altitude.
This town has an altitude of 500 feet.

Population is 4,500.

Schools. Churches.
Public library.

Three blocks of paved streets.

Two trains a day, not counting
the milk train at 4:00 in the morning.

We have three drugstores.
One actually sells medicine. Stop.

Stop, I'm dying.
Could you direct me to a culvert?

Why don't you wait till you get
to the hotel? It's only six blocks.

We pass the Spanish Americo
Chili Parlor on the way up.

Maybe you've eaten an oyster
in a month that had an "R" in it.

Don't let these people know.
It's a very respectable place.

That's all right.
That's all right.

Come on, come on.
Equilibrium's the thing.

If your friend is drunk,
don't bring him into this hotel.

He's already registered here.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Little case of
ptomaine poisoning.

Well, get him out of sight as
quickly as possible. Something he ate.

He's in room 5. Room 5.
Come on, old boy.

This won't last forever.
Come on. Look out! Look out.

That's it.
Now, you're all right.

You'll be fine
or I'll fix it so you will be...

in due time.
I shall make it my business to see...

that the Lompoc Ladies
Auxiliary will be informed.

I thought this was a family hotel.
Yes, indeed it is.

Uh, uh, Mr. Snoopington
has a touch of ptomaine.

Hmm. Didn't smell
like ptomaine.

Well!

Drat, drat, drat, drat.

Come on!
Here you are.

Okay, okay!
What are you trying to do?

Fill this hotel full of delirium tremens?
We've a reputation uphold!

This is the same man,
just fell out the window.

Friend of mine caught him
on the first bounce. Oh, yeah?

Face up.
I'll see that he doesn't bounce again.

Come now, Mr. Snoopington.
Come, let's pull ourselves together now.

Here we go.
Up, up, up.

Oh, yes, he's blotto.

Isn't he...

When you hear the tone, it will be
22 and one half minutes till 7:00.

Listen, I'm calling Dr. Stall,
and as a matter of fact,

when I hear the tone,
it'll be 22 and one half minutes till 6:00.

Give me Dr. Stall.
I'll give you information please.

I don't want information please or
Professor Quiz or calling all cars.

I want Dr. Stall.
Louder, please.

"Louder, please." If I spoke any
louder, I wouldn't need a telephone.

Gimme Dr. Stall.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

The first thing you've got to
do is cut out all health foods.

That'll be $10. The nurse will
return your clothes with the receipt.

Hello.

This is Sous� speaking,
Doc. How are you?

I'm here at
the New Old Lompoc House.

There's a bank examiner in
town, an old friend of the family's.

He's evidently been on a bender.
He's full of nose paint.

Hello, Snoopy, old boy!
How do you feel?

Oh, I feel as though
I've been poisoned.

You look the picture of health!

Shame. Agony.

My poor wife.

Little Doret.

I forgot to telephone them
Last night.

Why don't you let me
get you something to eat?

How'd you like some breaded
veal cutlet with tomato sauce?

A chocolate eclair
with whip cream?

Poor fella hasn't had
anything to eat.

Guess that's the doctor.

Hello, Doc.
How are ya?

How's business?
Oh, fair, fair.

I don't suppose we'll ever get another
whooping-cough epidemic again.

No, I don't suppose we will.

Ah, this is the eminent,
uh, Dr. Stall...

Diagnostician, our town's
leading physician.

What's the name?
J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Business?
Bank examiner.

Bank examiner?
Quite a lucrative occupation. Yes.

Do you mind, uh,
showing me your tongue?

You must eat more solids;
meats and sauces.

You need iron;
liver and bacon.

You lack vitamins
"A","B" and "C."

Skip the rest down to "X" and "Y." If"Z"
is necessary, we'll give you that later.

What you need
most of all is rest.

Rest will do more for you
than all the doctors in the world.

No exercise!
No.

Now, you take two of these...

in a glass of castor oil for two nights
running, then you skip one night.

But I thought you said I wasn't to take
any exercise. You take me too literally.

What I should say is,

you take two for
two nights consecutively,

and then you, uh... Refrain
from taking them one night.

Yes.

That's absolutely true and they're
tasteless. Good with goulash.

With the proper rest,
I'll get you out of here in three days.

Yes, sir, I'll get
you out in three days.

Three more days and you'll be outta here.
Four!

Careful waving that cane.
You might hit something.

Yeah, I might hit
that globe up there.

That'll be just one day before the
boys at the bank get their bonus.

Yes, sir, I'll have you out
in three days...

Unless, of course, complications set in.
Oh, yes.

That'll naturally take an extra day.
Yes!

Leave everything to me.

I'll do the worrying.
Be happy and gay!

I'll have the management
send you up a radio.

Come on, Doc.
We better be going.

Toodle-oo!

Gonna have the missus bake you a nice
coconut custard pie with savaloi pudding.

You haven't a thing
to worry about.

I've got Snoopington down at the
New Old Lompoc House. He's still in bed.

Oh, much obliged. I gotta
put on my work clothes now.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, what do you mean?

Ha, yeah.
I thought I lost it.

How-dee-do,
Mr. Skinner?

Mr. Sous�, we appreciate
the capture you made...

and the manhandling
you gave those criminals.

Oh, nothing at all!
Nothing really.

They were a couple
of tough fellows.

One of them pulled
a knife on me.

Pulled a knife that
was really... It was...

It was about that...

It was about that long.
It was really an assegai.

Doesn't anyone ever pull a
short knife on you, Mr. Sous�?

A little one...
about that long?

Oh, yes!
Yes, yes.

Major Moe one time, a little
colored midget, pulled one on me.

It was just about that long.
Wasn't really a knife, it was a razor.

We're grateful to you for
retrieving the bank's funds.

Oh, that was in
the line of duty.

And we feel we've shown our gratitude
by giving you a position as bank's officer.

But when you caution
Mrs. Muckle's little son...

about carrying a toy pistol into
the bank, that's going too far.

I cannot impress upon you
too firmly,

the Skinner Bank is
a dignified institution.

Yeah, that's the way
I always figured it.

I guess you figured it the same
way, working here the same as I do.

Furthermore, I've been informed
that you are a frequenter...

of a caf� known
as the Black Pussy.

Oh, yes.
Say, that reminds me.

One of the customers gave
it to me last night. Thank you.

By the way,

accept this silver-plated
napkin ring with my compliments.

I won it over at the bowling
alley last night. Thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Why, Mr. Snoopington!

I beg your pardon.

It's an unexpected pleasure to see
you in Lompoc. It's no pleasure for me.

I'm a very sick man.
But I'm also a man for duty.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to look over your books.

Of course we don't mind. This bank
is always ready for an audit, yes, sirree.

Mr. Sous�, our special officer, will
give you every assistance you wish.

Come in.

Not feeling well, Mr. Snoopington?
No, I'm not feeling very fit.

Well, I'll leave you
to Mr. Sous�.

And rest assured
you are in proper hands.

Thank you.

Are you, um...

Are you still suffering from that
slight nausea you had yesterday?

Yes, I haven't quite gotten over it yet.
Well, listen,

I don't want to be
a crepe hanger,

but in your weakened condition,
you're subject to all sorts of maladies.

Now, I want to tell you
something very confidentially. Yes?

I know positively that
our good friend Dr. Stall...

has treated this boy who thumbs
the pages of these books...

for Malta fever, beriberi

and that dreaded of all diseases
mogo on the ga-go-go.

Mr. Sous�, if duty called,

I would go into the tsetse fly country
of Africa and brave sleeping sickness...

if there were books to be examined.

This way?
Uh, yeah.

Would you like to examine the
books of the Black Pussy Cafe?

Thank you.

What you need to get is
a description of that place.

Okay.

Og, what's the matter?

Exactly what I suspected!

What?
The old mogo on the ga-go-go.

Og?
Whiskey!

Whiskey? Look out!
I'll get it!

Whiskey. What's the matter?
Speak to me!

What happened to him?
I don't know.

Help me lift him up.
Just wet his lips.

Okay.

Here you are.

Ooh!
Something in the clamp?

Oh, that's a good question.

Ah, unfortunately you
must've had your hand in there.

That'll interfere with
your writing, won't it?

It won't interfere with my writing.
Fortunately, I'm left-handed.

Oh, that's unfort... Oh, yeah.

Get him a glass of water, will you, Scotty?
Feel better?

Mr. Sous�.

Did I see that
bank examiner here?

Why, I don't imagine so.

With my introspective eye
as a detective,

I would naturally
have seen him...

Ah, just as I thought:
recurring fever.

I'm sorry to appear overzealous,

but these books
have got to be examined.

Let me help you, Mr. Snoopington.
Oh, thank you.

Here you are, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's all right.
I can't see a thing without my glasses.

Here you are, sir.
Thank you.

- I'll be right over here if you need me, sir.
- All right.

If I can be of...

Oh, sorry.
And I try to be so helpful.

Well... Oh.

I hope that won't interfere
with your auditing the books.

It certainly will not!

Oh, that's good, that's good.

It couldn't be possible that Mr. Sous� is
trying to keep me from examining the books.

There, you see?

Mr. Sous�, I've done
Mr. Oggilby a great wrong.

And I'm here to rectify
that wrong.

I was hoodwinked into believing
that those bonds were 100M.

I've never been guilty of
a dishonest act in my life.

So I'll take those bonds off his hands
if I have to pay for them with my blood.

Transfusion?
Anything.

There you are. The man is willing to
buy the bonds back with his own blood.

I don't want blood. I want money.
Let him give me back the $500.

The boy needs money.
He doesn't want blood.

He's got high
blood pressure already.

Give him what he paid
for the bonds in cash.

I'm the saddest man
in the world.

You may be the second saddest,
but he's the saddest.

I'm prepared to pay you
$350 cash.

I'll pay the rest in weekly
installments of $25 per week.

I'll even give you my favorite
aunt's wedding ring as security.

I want to prove that I am
honest in the worst way.

The worst way.

Thanks. I was a fool to listen to Mr. Sous�
in the first place. In the second place too.

Paper, mister?
How'd Gumlegs come out in the fourth today?

I don't know.
Let me see your paper.

A bonanza! Beefsteak Mine.

Godfrey Daniel!

Oh! What are you doing? Just as I
was getting some of my money back!

You read this paper.
You're a millionaire!

Go away, Mr. Sous�.
Look at that window.

Read that paper.

Oh! Now I can put the money
back without waiting for my bonus.

Mr. Snoopington's no longer a nightmare.
Bring him in here! I'll kill him!

Calm yourself. Oggilby,
my boy. Calm yourself.

Golly. Oh, Mr. Sous�!
Cut it out.

Oh, Mr. Sous�, I don't need all this money.
I don't deserve it.

You engineered the whole thing.
You're a financial wizard.

I'm gonna split with ya.
I'll give you half of 'em. Thank you, Og.

Wait.
I'll follow ya.

Anything I can do for you?
You sure can, brother.

Turn around. Now start walking
toward the cashier's cage and keep quiet.

Ooh! That tickles.

You remember me, don't you?

Ah, you remember
the gentleman, Og?

Yes, sir. That's the man
that held me up the last time.

Ah, mind your, uh...
Mind your language, Og.

Here. Hate for you to be
the fall guy, but fill that up.

Do what the gentleman tells
you to, Og, quickly. Yes, sir.

Don't... Oh, don't... Shut up.

This is my Beefsteak stock.
Fill that up.

Do what the gentleman
tells you to, Og.

Thanks.

Do you mind accompanying me to the door?
Not at all, no.

How-dee-do,
Mrs. Chiselbottom?

Keep your foot off the alarm, or I'll come
back and plug you. Are you still there?

Hello, Mr. Sous�.
Making more movies?

Sous�, huh? Get in that car and
start driving. We're goin' for a ride.

Reach for the sky
and back up there.

Oggilby, you're arousing the bank.

You have the alarm on.
What's the matter?

Like to see some of the places of
interest in town? No, keep driving.

There's the Black Pussy Cafe.
Be careful!

Help!
We've been robbed!

Johnson, get on that phone and get
the police. There's been a robbery here.

Help!
Police!

He took Mr. Sous�? He certainly
did, right from under my contract.

I've just called the police.

Follow that gray car.
Come on, come on!

Hold up! Bank robbers
up that way.

Don't let that car out of your sight.
Hurry. That police car.

These are catalpa trees.
Step on that gas.

Keep moving!
I'm stepping on it.

Mr. Sous�'s liable to get hurt. And me
with $10,000 in the briefcase for him.

For Sous�? What for? For a story
he told me while he was directing.

I sent it in with the day's report,
and the boss went nuts about it.

He wants it and Sous� too.

There goes the helmet.

Come back here, you.

There's more catalpa...
I'm sorry.

Never mind about those trees.
Keep stepping on the gas.

You know who's in that car with Sous�?
No, who?

Repulsive Rogan. There's a $5,000
dead-or-alive reward on him.

Stay awake!
Be careful, driver.

Magic carpet.

Wipe off that windshield, you.
Here.

You wipe it off.
I'm driving.

Lake Shoshobogomo is right
over the top of this mountain.

Get out and push!

What do you think this is,
a kiddie car?

Can't push
a hulking truck like this.

Start pushing.

Seems to be a great deal of traffic
here for a county road, don't you think?

Keep going.
Yeah.

Hiya, toots!

Look out!

The resale value of this car is
gonna be nil after you get over this trip.

You're goin' too fast!
Slow down.

Foot brake's gone.
Where's your emergency?

Here it is, but it won't do
you any good in that backseat.

Gimme that wheel.
Here, grab it!

Put it on there! We're gonna have
an accident if you're not careful.

You're gonna have
a real accident in a minute!

The wheel is comin' off

That's what I thought.
Going to be very dangerous.

I'm gonna jump.

Have to take the boat
from here on anyway.

Looking for someone?

You better stop by the station and see
about that $5,000 reward, Mr. Sous�.

This sure is your
lucky day, Mr. Sous�.

Here's a check for $10,000 from the
Tel-Aviz Company for that story you told us,

as well as a contract for
you to bring it to the screen.

Looks like it's all here, Mr. Skinner,
including the Beefsteak Mine.

I don't know whether it is or not, but allow
me to give you another hearty handclasp.

Judkins, has Mr. Sous�
had his caf� rum a la papa?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you, dear.
I've had a double noggin.

What time is it, Daddykins?

It's one minute till 9:00.

I gotta get down to the Sal...
The, uh, office.

Good-bye, Daddy dear.

Good-bye, dear.
Gimme a kiss.

I'll give you two of 'em.
Good bye, paternoster.

Good-bye, dear.
Take care of yourself.

I shall, dear.
Good-bye, my darling.

Hurry home if you feel like it.
I'll be waiting up as usual.

Oh, thank you, dear.
I'll be home early.

Hey, that doesn't look bad,
does it?

I think, sir, this is
the more appropriate.

Yeah, that's nice
and cool though. Thanks.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

Thanks.

Thank you.

What a changed man.

You deserve a lot of credit, Agatha.
Hasn't been easy.

Uh, say! Hey!