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00:00:01,006 --> 00:00:07,470
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,263 --> 00:00:11,891
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,975 --> 00:00:14,894
[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
4
00:00:14,978 --> 00:00:18,273
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,356 --> 00:00:21,526
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,609 --> 00:00:23,111
♪ All the things that make us ♪
7
00:00:23,194 --> 00:00:24,946
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:25,030 --> 00:00:30,076
[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪
9
00:00:35,790 --> 00:00:37,917
Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
10
00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:39,169
Eh, it was fine.
11
00:00:39,252 --> 00:00:42,714
But we had a substitute bully today
and he was doing it wrong.
12
00:00:42,797 --> 00:00:44,549
Okay, it says "tape sign on back."
13
00:00:44,632 --> 00:00:46,676
Is that... Is that your back, my back?
14
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,637
I-I got to be honest,
I only got called in 45 minutes ago.
15
00:00:49,763 --> 00:00:52,474
[sighs] Just pinch my nipples
and get out of here.
16
00:00:52,557 --> 00:00:54,726
We need you to
sign these permission slips.
17
00:00:54,809 --> 00:00:57,312
We're taking a school field trip
to Washington DC.
18
00:00:57,395 --> 00:01:00,273
Great, bring 'em here
and I'll give you my John Hancock.
19
00:01:00,356 --> 00:01:02,984
-Who's that?
-I'm sorry, I mean my Lane Bryant.
20
00:01:03,068 --> 00:01:04,944
Well, just say that, then.
21
00:01:09,115 --> 00:01:13,703
Big day, gentlemen. It's the one day
a year Peter eats a salad.
22
00:01:13,787 --> 00:01:17,207
Poor bastard. No one should have to
go through that hell.
23
00:01:17,290 --> 00:01:20,585
He made a promise to Lois.
It was actually in their wedding vows.
24
00:01:21,544 --> 00:01:23,338
All right, let's get this over with.
25
00:01:23,421 --> 00:01:26,591
I brought the whitest-looking lettuce
from McDonald's I could find.
26
00:01:26,674 --> 00:01:29,219
I'm hoping it has McNugget
smell accidentally on it.
27
00:01:29,302 --> 00:01:33,306
I brought today's newspaper like you asked
so you'd have proof of salad.
28
00:01:33,389 --> 00:01:35,308
-[camera shutter clicks]
-Got it.
29
00:01:40,605 --> 00:01:43,149
I love my wife. I love my wife.
30
00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:44,859
I love my wife.
31
00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:54,202
[gulps, sighs]
32
00:01:54,285 --> 00:01:56,704
[cheering]
33
00:01:56,788 --> 00:01:58,832
And inside this local tavern,
34
00:01:58,915 --> 00:02:02,377
a portly gentleman has just consumed
his annual salad.
35
00:02:02,460 --> 00:02:03,837
I'm Garrison Keillor,
36
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:09,175
and I was "MeToo'd" for quaintly groping,
so now I'm doing this.
37
00:02:13,763 --> 00:02:17,225
So, Chris, Meg, you guys excited
for your big trip to Washington DC?
38
00:02:17,308 --> 00:02:20,186
Yeah. The cool kids are
bringing a candy-colored version
39
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,356
of whatever drug the media is
most freaking parents out about.
40
00:02:23,439 --> 00:02:25,066
-What?
-Relax, Mom.
41
00:02:25,150 --> 00:02:27,610
We're being supervised
by public school employees
42
00:02:27,694 --> 00:02:30,822
who themselves are battling
their own crippling addictions.
43
00:02:30,905 --> 00:02:32,323
Peter, are you hearing this?
44
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:35,326
I'm not. I'm chewing Cap'n Crunch,
I can't hear anything.
45
00:02:35,410 --> 00:02:37,078
[loud crunching]
46
00:02:37,162 --> 00:02:40,415
I just worry,
but I guess that's what moms do.
47
00:02:40,498 --> 00:02:44,294
Well, that and give you a recap of
everyone who's died that you don't know.
48
00:02:44,377 --> 00:02:46,296
You know, Leonard died.
49
00:02:46,379 --> 00:02:47,881
-Who?
-Leonard.
50
00:02:47,964 --> 00:02:50,300
-Okay.
-Estelle's pretty upset.
51
00:02:50,383 --> 00:02:52,510
And right on the heels of Abner.
52
00:02:52,594 --> 00:02:55,096
-Uh-huh.
-You should probably call Edith.
53
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:57,015
I'll give you Alfred's number.
54
00:02:57,098 --> 00:02:58,808
Who the hell are these people?
55
00:02:58,892 --> 00:03:01,769
Is this just an excuse
to say old people's names?
56
00:03:03,271 --> 00:03:05,023
Vivian.
57
00:03:09,235 --> 00:03:10,612
[cell phone dings]
58
00:03:13,823 --> 00:03:15,241
[camera shutter clicks]
59
00:03:20,413 --> 00:03:21,414
Huh.
60
00:03:31,799 --> 00:03:33,468
What's the matter?
You look upset.
61
00:03:33,551 --> 00:03:37,472
Eh, it's just, Joe's been pretty stingy
with his "ha ha's" over text.
62
00:03:37,555 --> 00:03:39,682
I think you're probably
reading into that.
63
00:03:39,766 --> 00:03:43,478
No, seriously. Cleveland sends some
lame crap and Joe "ha ha's" it.
64
00:03:43,561 --> 00:03:47,232
I send a photo of me hanging a foreclosure
notice over a toilet, nothing.
65
00:03:47,315 --> 00:03:49,984
I'm telling you, he never laughs
at anything of mine.
66
00:03:50,068 --> 00:03:52,111
He must have given you
one at some point.
67
00:03:52,195 --> 00:03:53,780
I mean, sure, at some point.
68
00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:28,690
Oh, my God.
He's literally never given me one.
69
00:04:28,773 --> 00:04:30,400
Joe doesn't think I'm funny?
70
00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:33,486
Oh, thank God you're here.
You know funny when you hear it.
71
00:04:33,569 --> 00:04:37,407
Hey, Ostrich, did you hear that crazy
story about the monkey's favorite food?
72
00:04:37,490 --> 00:04:39,158
It's bananas.
73
00:04:39,242 --> 00:04:40,618
[ostrich] Hmm.
74
00:04:42,537 --> 00:04:43,871
[indistinct conversations]
75
00:04:43,955 --> 00:04:47,333
Hey, gang, I know you're not used to
seeing your teachers in shorts,
76
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:50,044
so let's get it all out of the way.
77
00:04:50,128 --> 00:04:51,337
[students gasp]
78
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:54,340
They're just legs, guys.
Oh, one more thing.
79
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:57,218
We do have a surprise chaperone
for this trip.
80
00:04:57,302 --> 00:05:00,930
Everyone say hi to
Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.
81
00:05:01,556 --> 00:05:03,308
Aah! Woot, woot!
82
00:05:03,391 --> 00:05:06,269
Did somebody say "cool mom
with an Activia fanny pack"?
83
00:05:06,352 --> 00:05:08,980
They give you a free one
if you send in enough lids.
84
00:05:09,063 --> 00:05:11,524
I've got two fanny packs
and a very healthy colon.
85
00:05:12,066 --> 00:05:14,360
[both] Our chaperone is Mom?
86
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:18,364
You're lucky. My mother died last year
after a long illness.
87
00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:22,535
You got your GoFundMe money,
so shut up!
88
00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:31,753
Mom, what the hell
are you doing here?
89
00:05:31,836 --> 00:05:33,838
Are you trying
to kill our reputation?
90
00:05:33,921 --> 00:05:37,759
Oh, relax, you two.
I'm gonna be the cool mom, huh?
91
00:05:37,842 --> 00:05:40,511
I may even have the kids
call me Mrs. G.
92
00:05:40,595 --> 00:05:42,472
[laughs] Mrs. G.
93
00:05:42,555 --> 00:05:43,765
Can you imagine?
94
00:05:43,848 --> 00:05:46,184
Just like Mrs. Garrett
from The Facts of Life.
95
00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:48,102
Nobody knows who that is.
96
00:05:48,186 --> 00:05:50,897
Come on. Tootie? Blair? Jo?
97
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:52,523
Bitch, what you talking about?
98
00:05:52,607 --> 00:05:55,902
Just settle down, you guys.
I promise I won't embarrass you.
99
00:05:55,985 --> 00:05:59,280
Okay, everyone, I've got candy.
100
00:05:59,364 --> 00:06:01,991
Everybody reach in
but just take one.
101
00:06:02,075 --> 00:06:05,411
Fanny candy?
Fanny candy? Fanny candy?
102
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:07,622
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
103
00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:11,501
This is more embarrassing
than when I tried to return that RealDoll.
104
00:06:11,584 --> 00:06:15,922
Uh, yes, hello, I would
like to return my RealDoll.
105
00:06:16,005 --> 00:06:18,966
[woman on phone] Okay,
and what condition is the doll in?
106
00:06:19,050 --> 00:06:21,928
Um, let's say "fair."
107
00:06:22,011 --> 00:06:24,514
-Any visible marks?
-Some light choking.
108
00:06:24,597 --> 00:06:27,350
We can't take the doll back
if there are choke marks.
109
00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:29,727
Oh, no, no, no,
the choke marks are on me,
110
00:06:29,852 --> 00:06:32,522
and in her defense,
I did have it coming.
111
00:06:32,605 --> 00:06:34,857
Actually, I don't
want to return the RealDoll.
112
00:06:34,941 --> 00:06:36,609
This is just part of the dance.
113
00:06:36,692 --> 00:06:40,446
Oh, no. I didn't realize
you were there the whole time.
114
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:43,658
I hope I'm not in for some light choking.
115
00:06:46,744 --> 00:06:49,622
Why do you even care if Joe's never
laughed at your texts?
116
00:06:49,705 --> 00:06:53,376
Brian, I know it seems like
I have it all, but even I,
117
00:06:53,459 --> 00:06:57,964
a man with 15 Halloween masks,
have my struggles with insecurity.
118
00:06:58,047 --> 00:06:59,507
So, what are you gonna do?
119
00:06:59,590 --> 00:07:02,093
I decided to give him
a taste of his own medicine.
120
00:07:02,176 --> 00:07:06,222
From this day forward, I will never laugh
at another one of Joe's texts.
121
00:07:06,305 --> 00:07:07,515
[cell phone dings]
122
00:07:11,269 --> 00:07:12,812
[laughs]
123
00:07:12,895 --> 00:07:16,274
His-his mind just works
in a different way than mine.
124
00:07:16,357 --> 00:07:18,526
Oh, no. Accidental heart,
accidental heart.
125
00:07:18,609 --> 00:07:20,278
Quick, replace it with a "ha ha."
126
00:07:20,361 --> 00:07:23,239
Phew, that was close.
I was almost gay.
127
00:07:23,322 --> 00:07:26,367
Huh.
Peter just came out of the closet.
128
00:07:26,451 --> 00:07:27,493
Uh, no he didn't.
129
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:30,663
[announcer] The heart emoji:
careful, straight dudes!
130
00:07:34,792 --> 00:07:36,294
[sighs]
Look at us.
131
00:07:36,377 --> 00:07:39,297
Different generations
enjoying a fancy resort.
132
00:07:40,006 --> 00:07:42,633
-Mom, don't, please.
-Quiet, Meg.
133
00:07:42,717 --> 00:07:46,137
So, I saw a really funny TikTok.
Do you know that one?
134
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:49,307
You're gonna have to be
more specific. Which one?
135
00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:51,726
Uh, there's-there's more than one?
136
00:07:51,809 --> 00:07:53,311
Why is everyone leaving?
137
00:07:53,394 --> 00:07:55,646
You're lame
and we don't want to be with you.
138
00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:58,441
Come on, guys,
let's go watch CNBC in the lobby.
139
00:07:58,524 --> 00:08:00,818
Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.
140
00:08:11,078 --> 00:08:12,788
God, those kids are a nightmare.
141
00:08:12,872 --> 00:08:14,957
They're just so mean.
142
00:08:15,041 --> 00:08:17,543
Just be thankful
this isn't your entire life.
143
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:20,171
You get to go home
at the end of all of this
144
00:08:20,254 --> 00:08:22,256
to a family
and someone you love.
145
00:08:22,340 --> 00:08:26,219
Oh, come on, I'm sure there's
someone special in your life.
146
00:08:26,302 --> 00:08:28,846
You know, there was someone.
147
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:30,306
A long time ago.
148
00:08:32,308 --> 00:08:35,937
It was 1993,
and I was folding clothes at a Structure.
149
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:37,438
Everyone was, back then.
150
00:08:37,522 --> 00:08:39,357
Then I saw her.
151
00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:41,817
Shelly Barnes.
152
00:08:41,943 --> 00:08:43,569
Boy, was she something.
153
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:47,949
Tall, tan. She was more scrunchie
than woman.
154
00:08:51,035 --> 00:08:53,037
[Principal Shepherd]
We wanted the dream:
155
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,790
our own Taco Bell franchise.
156
00:08:55,873 --> 00:08:58,042
But then it happened,
157
00:08:58,125 --> 00:09:00,253
the one thing
you never want to hear.
158
00:09:00,336 --> 00:09:02,380
Hey, John.
I was just thinking.
159
00:09:02,463 --> 00:09:05,883
What if we open a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?
160
00:09:05,967 --> 00:09:07,385
[record scratch]
161
00:09:07,468 --> 00:09:10,680
[distorted groaning]
162
00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:15,184
The psychic who told me to do this
never said anything about Pizza Hut.
163
00:09:16,143 --> 00:09:17,770
I was young and bullheaded.
164
00:09:17,853 --> 00:09:21,232
I had these ideas
of what fast food should be.
165
00:09:21,315 --> 00:09:23,734
Worst part was,
when I told her the bad news,
166
00:09:23,818 --> 00:09:25,903
she threw my retainer
right in the bushes.
167
00:09:25,987 --> 00:09:29,532
I looked for a little bit, but eventually
I just said, "Eh, screw it."
168
00:09:29,615 --> 00:09:32,535
Anyway, that one argument
consumed us.
169
00:09:32,618 --> 00:09:34,662
Never saw Shelly again.
170
00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:37,456
I'm so sorry to hear all that,
Principal Shepherd.
171
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:40,376
[groans]
Whew, what a day.
172
00:09:40,459 --> 00:09:42,712
-I need a drink.
-Jack on the rocks?
173
00:09:42,795 --> 00:09:46,424
No, in the toilet,
but I'll have that drink now.
174
00:09:50,094 --> 00:09:53,264
Hey, Joe, you know, you might want to
contact your cell carrier.
175
00:09:53,347 --> 00:09:56,309
All your "ha ha's" are coming through
as "thumbs up" lately.
176
00:09:56,434 --> 00:09:57,893
-Oh, boy.
-What's, uh...
177
00:09:57,977 --> 00:10:00,521
What's with you never laughing
at any of my texts?
178
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:02,273
Peter, maybe now's not the time.
179
00:10:02,356 --> 00:10:05,067
-No, no, no, tell me. What is it?
-Honestly? Nothing.
180
00:10:05,151 --> 00:10:07,570
I just don't always think
you're all that funny.
181
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,240
Wow.
182
00:10:11,324 --> 00:10:13,534
Uh, okay. Wow.
183
00:10:13,618 --> 00:10:16,203
Look, if I want someone
to burp the national anthem,
184
00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:18,581
there is no second call,
it's you or nobody.
185
00:10:18,664 --> 00:10:21,167
Thank you, Joe.
Thank you for saying that.
186
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:23,961
When it comes to laughs,
you're just not my cup of tea.
187
00:10:24,045 --> 00:10:25,921
I've never even seen Austin Powers.
188
00:10:26,005 --> 00:10:27,423
Oh, well, there you go!
189
00:10:27,506 --> 00:10:31,218
All right, fellas, I got to run.
Look, this doesn't change anything, Peter.
190
00:10:31,302 --> 00:10:33,763
You're my friend.
No hard feelings.
191
00:10:33,846 --> 00:10:36,349
Oh yeah, no hard feelings,
like your dink?
192
00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:38,976
I'll see you around, Peter.
193
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,313
I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna get a laugh from him.
194
00:10:42,396 --> 00:10:44,440
Hmm.
I'm not sure about that.
195
00:10:44,523 --> 00:10:46,400
Seems like
he's prayed on this one.
196
00:10:46,484 --> 00:10:48,694
Well, I'm gonna
give it the old college try.
197
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:49,987
[video game beeping]
198
00:10:50,071 --> 00:10:52,198
-Are you gonna go to class?
-No.
199
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:57,995
There you are.
You're not gonna believe this.
200
00:10:58,079 --> 00:11:00,206
They got the blood
out of the ice machine?
201
00:11:00,289 --> 00:11:03,292
-No, I found your ex on Facebook.
-What?
202
00:11:03,376 --> 00:11:06,921
Shelly Barnes. She lives only,
like, 30 miles from here.
203
00:11:07,004 --> 00:11:09,423
Hmm. Is 30 miles enough time
204
00:11:09,507 --> 00:11:11,801
for me to get totally jacked
before I see her?
205
00:11:11,884 --> 00:11:14,804
You can do push-ups
in the bus aisle. Let's go find her.
206
00:11:17,515 --> 00:11:19,392
-[indistinct chatter]
-Hey, listen up.
207
00:11:19,475 --> 00:11:21,143
Anyone seen Principal Shepherd?
208
00:11:21,227 --> 00:11:24,146
He said he had to go to the men's room
and he disappeared.
209
00:11:24,230 --> 00:11:25,481
[student] I'm not sure.
210
00:11:25,564 --> 00:11:28,818
I think we're all finger-blasting
anything that moves back here.
211
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:30,486
I'll be right back.
212
00:11:30,569 --> 00:11:33,906
Excuse me, have you seen
a heavyset, middle-aged man?
213
00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:35,491
Kind of sad-looking?
214
00:11:35,574 --> 00:11:36,867
Hmm.
215
00:11:41,038 --> 00:11:42,081
Oh.
216
00:11:42,164 --> 00:11:45,918
Hey, you know, there was a guy that
left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.
217
00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:48,462
He got the number from
a magazine in his pocket.
218
00:11:48,546 --> 00:11:51,507
I've never seen such
stretched-out pockets on a sport coat.
219
00:11:51,590 --> 00:11:53,134
Oh, my God, that's him.
220
00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,261
Principal Shepherd
must have run away.
221
00:11:55,344 --> 00:11:57,805
Do you have any security footage
from the lobby?
222
00:11:57,888 --> 00:12:00,891
Sorry, the only video we have
is from the karaoke lounge.
223
00:12:00,975 --> 00:12:02,810
He killed "Sublime", by the way.
224
00:12:02,893 --> 00:12:05,730
♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪
225
00:12:05,813 --> 00:12:08,399
♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
226
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:11,235
♪ Well, I had a million dollars but... ♪
227
00:12:11,318 --> 00:12:13,446
Don't take those fries.
I'm not done.
228
00:12:13,529 --> 00:12:15,781
♪ I'd spend it all
If I could find... ♪
229
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:19,952
I-I... Ugh, I lost my place.
Start it over from the top, Gene.
230
00:12:24,749 --> 00:12:27,835
Okay, guys,
Principal Shepherd is gone.
231
00:12:27,918 --> 00:12:29,628
Did you check
the karaoke lounge?
232
00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:31,839
He got in a huge fight
with that Gene guy.
233
00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:33,716
I know you think adults are lame.
234
00:12:33,799 --> 00:12:36,343
That we're just big bags of crap
that drink coffee,
235
00:12:36,427 --> 00:12:37,928
but we are people, too.
236
00:12:38,012 --> 00:12:40,931
Most of the things you think
are important now aren't.
237
00:12:41,015 --> 00:12:45,186
Looks fade, waists expand,
chins double and dreams die.
238
00:12:45,269 --> 00:12:47,229
And one day, one day, you're gonna wish
239
00:12:47,313 --> 00:12:49,523
that a bus full of punk kids
would come along
240
00:12:49,607 --> 00:12:51,233
and help when you need it most.
241
00:12:51,317 --> 00:12:54,653
Now, that man is scared and alone,
and he needs us right now.
242
00:12:54,737 --> 00:12:55,946
Now, who's with me?
243
00:12:56,030 --> 00:12:58,574
[cheering]
244
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:03,662
[sighs] Wait a minute,
if Principal Shepherd's gone,
245
00:13:03,746 --> 00:13:05,289
who's gonna drive the bus?
246
00:13:05,372 --> 00:13:07,124
[toilet flushes]
247
00:13:09,001 --> 00:13:12,046
Someone say something
about a bus driver?
248
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:14,507
I still need six hours
of supervised road time
249
00:13:14,590 --> 00:13:15,925
for my B Class license,
250
00:13:16,008 --> 00:13:18,427
but I'm pretty sure
I can handle this bad boy...
251
00:13:18,511 --> 00:13:21,263
Meg, let's go find our principal.
252
00:13:24,725 --> 00:13:26,852
[engine starts]
253
00:13:29,438 --> 00:13:30,940
-[stomach gurgles]
-Ooh, sorry.
254
00:13:31,023 --> 00:13:34,527
Sorry, guys. I got some, but I think
the troublemaker's still in there.
255
00:13:35,486 --> 00:13:37,655
-[lock clicks]
-[fart]
256
00:13:37,738 --> 00:13:41,700
Can someone please turn
on the always-1978 bus radio?
257
00:13:41,784 --> 00:13:43,327
[radio clicks]
258
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:46,330
♪ I cried a tear... ♪
259
00:13:46,455 --> 00:13:47,665
[loud farting]
260
00:13:47,748 --> 00:13:51,043
♪ You wiped it dry... ♪
261
00:13:51,126 --> 00:13:52,962
[all] Ew!
262
00:13:53,045 --> 00:13:55,256
[Meg] It's not my fault. It's a ballad.
263
00:13:55,339 --> 00:13:57,800
[RJ] 97.1 WBUS:
264
00:13:57,883 --> 00:14:00,094
songs you can't poop over on a bus.
265
00:14:00,177 --> 00:14:02,930
Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.
266
00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:05,432
♪ I love you... ♪
267
00:14:05,516 --> 00:14:07,393
[farting continues]
268
00:14:07,476 --> 00:14:10,354
♪ I honestly love you... ♪
269
00:14:10,437 --> 00:14:12,398
[all]
Ew!
270
00:14:12,481 --> 00:14:14,817
[Meg]
Change the damn station!
271
00:14:18,612 --> 00:14:20,281
Whoa, whoa.
Where you going?
272
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:22,992
I've had it, Brian.
I am getting a "ha ha" from Joe
273
00:14:23,075 --> 00:14:24,660
if it's the last thing I do.
274
00:14:24,743 --> 00:14:26,537
And how are you planning
to do this?
275
00:14:26,620 --> 00:14:30,040
I'm gonna send a funny text
and sneak over to Joe's and "ha ha" it.
276
00:14:30,124 --> 00:14:31,959
But why are you wearing all black?
277
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:35,546
So no one will see me.
[chuckles]
278
00:14:36,255 --> 00:14:37,715
-[tires screech]
-[loud thud]
279
00:14:37,798 --> 00:14:40,384
-[Peter] Aah!
-[man] Why are you wearing all black?
280
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,803
[Peter] Why are you wearing
a lady's ball gown?
281
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:45,598
[man] Let's both resume
whatever it is we were doing.
282
00:14:50,269 --> 00:14:51,896
[air hissing]
283
00:14:55,649 --> 00:14:57,151
-[typing]
-[text sends]
284
00:14:57,234 --> 00:14:58,527
[vibrates]
285
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,929
[straining]
286
00:15:27,222 --> 00:15:28,641
Aah!
287
00:15:28,724 --> 00:15:29,892
Who's there?
288
00:15:29,975 --> 00:15:31,185
[grunting]
289
00:15:33,354 --> 00:15:35,564
Don't struggle.
It only makes it tighter.
290
00:15:35,648 --> 00:15:36,857
[straining]
291
00:15:36,941 --> 00:15:38,192
Aah!
292
00:15:40,736 --> 00:15:41,862
[grunting]
293
00:15:48,327 --> 00:15:50,829
Peter? What the hell
is going on here?
294
00:15:50,913 --> 00:15:52,998
[Bonnie] Joe? Joe, are you okay?
295
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:54,917
Yeah, I'm fine, Bon.
296
00:15:55,459 --> 00:15:56,919
[Bonnie] Oh.
297
00:16:00,005 --> 00:16:03,634
We looked all night and there's no sign
of Principal Shepherd anywhere.
298
00:16:04,718 --> 00:16:07,513
Oh, my God, of course.
Stop the bus, Meg. Look!
299
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:10,933
Gotcha.
300
00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:14,645
[indistinct conversation]
301
00:16:15,938 --> 00:16:19,608
-I thought I might find you here.
-Mrs. Griffin, I, uh...
302
00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,527
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
303
00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:24,780
I... I shouldn't have inserted
myself into your personal life.
304
00:16:24,863 --> 00:16:26,490
That... That was wrong of me.
305
00:16:26,573 --> 00:16:28,575
I know you just wanted to help.
I just...
306
00:16:28,659 --> 00:16:31,912
[sighs] I just panicked.
I got so scared of her seeing me now
307
00:16:31,996 --> 00:16:33,914
and thinking that
I'm this big loser.
308
00:16:33,998 --> 00:16:36,417
Hey, you are not a loser.
309
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:40,796
May I remind you I wear
Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.
310
00:16:40,879 --> 00:16:42,715
[sighs] You...
311
00:16:42,798 --> 00:16:44,925
You are not a loser.
312
00:16:45,009 --> 00:16:46,343
[groans]
313
00:16:56,186 --> 00:16:59,440
Mrs. Griffin,
yo quiero one more chance.
314
00:17:02,526 --> 00:17:05,237
Well, Mr. Griffin, the surgery
went according to plan.
315
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,905
Great, thank you, Dr. Hartman.
316
00:17:06,989 --> 00:17:09,283
I didn't know how to
categorize your injuries
317
00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:12,119
on the insurance form,
so I just put "gay stabbing."
318
00:17:12,202 --> 00:17:15,122
[stutters] Oh, okay, who else...
who else sees that?
319
00:17:15,205 --> 00:17:16,707
Oh, almost-almost nobody.
320
00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:19,209
It's just for, like,
file-keeping record stuff.
321
00:17:19,334 --> 00:17:20,669
[cell phone dings]
322
00:18:03,712 --> 00:18:05,005
Go get 'em.
323
00:18:11,678 --> 00:18:12,888
Shelly?
324
00:18:12,971 --> 00:18:15,724
Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepherd.
325
00:18:15,808 --> 00:18:17,893
-Listen, John, I-I think maybe--
-Hang on.
326
00:18:18,018 --> 00:18:20,020
Just-just let me say what I want to say.
327
00:18:20,104 --> 00:18:21,480
God, you look great.
328
00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:24,358
Listen, I know it must be odd
to see me standing here
329
00:18:24,441 --> 00:18:26,110
all these years later.
330
00:18:26,235 --> 00:18:28,654
And although I look like a man
on the outside--
331
00:18:28,737 --> 00:18:30,656
Shelly lives in the house next door.
332
00:18:30,739 --> 00:18:32,825
Oh. Oh, uh, uh, which, uh...
333
00:18:32,908 --> 00:18:34,827
Oh, the one with the aboveground pool
334
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:37,412
and angry dogs tied
to the tree in the front yard.
335
00:18:38,413 --> 00:18:39,790
[dog growling]
336
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,708
[doorbell rings]
337
00:18:43,794 --> 00:18:45,879
No way. John Shepherd?
338
00:18:46,004 --> 00:18:47,589
Is that really you?
339
00:18:47,714 --> 00:18:49,842
It is. Shelly?
340
00:18:49,925 --> 00:18:53,971
-[barking]
-Shut up! Shut up, you idiots!
341
00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,515
I'd invite you in,
but my uncle's getting dialysis
342
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,934
-right here in the bonus room.
-Oh, wow.
343
00:18:59,059 --> 00:19:01,812
Uh, listen, I was...
I was just in the neighborhood.
344
00:19:01,895 --> 00:19:04,148
I wanted to come by
and see how you've been.
345
00:19:04,231 --> 00:19:06,275
Yeah, not too bad.
[belches]
346
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:09,236
You know, I ended up opening
the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut,
347
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:11,071
but it never really took off.
348
00:19:11,155 --> 00:19:13,532
I think, ultimately,
it came down to me trading
349
00:19:13,615 --> 00:19:15,909
too many pizzas for drugs.
[laughs]
350
00:19:15,993 --> 00:19:17,494
Right, right.
351
00:19:17,619 --> 00:19:20,122
Listen, I actually got
to get these kids somewhere.
352
00:19:20,205 --> 00:19:22,332
Well, it was nice
to see you, John.
353
00:19:22,457 --> 00:19:25,544
You ever want to hang out,
you know where to find me.
354
00:19:25,627 --> 00:19:29,339
You'll find her in the wind
and in the trees around you.
355
00:19:29,423 --> 00:19:31,925
Where the leaves blow
and the river flows.
356
00:19:32,009 --> 00:19:33,594
I'm sorry, who are you?
357
00:19:33,677 --> 00:19:36,805
I'm Jared Fogle,
the former Subway spokesperson.
358
00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:39,183
Not sure I want you
in my thought bubble.
359
00:19:39,266 --> 00:19:40,809
-Aren't you in prison?
-Yes.
360
00:19:40,934 --> 00:19:43,103
This is how I spend my days
in my cell.
361
00:19:43,187 --> 00:19:45,856
Hey, how many kids
you got on this bus, by the way?
362
00:19:45,939 --> 00:19:49,443
[grunts] This is why!
This is why I don't want you in there!
363
00:19:54,573 --> 00:19:57,492
Thanks for pushing me
to go find my first love.
364
00:19:57,576 --> 00:19:59,786
Sorry it ended up being
such a waste of time.
365
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:01,622
No, this was not a waste.
366
00:20:01,747 --> 00:20:03,415
You just found out you won.
367
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:04,875
I did? How so?
368
00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:07,169
Your ex-girlfriend
is a total loser.
369
00:20:07,252 --> 00:20:09,755
Meanwhile, you have
a great job with a pension,
370
00:20:09,838 --> 00:20:13,217
a house and a car
with all different-color doors.
371
00:20:14,468 --> 00:20:15,636
You're right.
372
00:20:15,761 --> 00:20:18,055
I guess old Shep's doing okay.
373
00:20:18,138 --> 00:20:20,307
You sure are.
Now, all you got to do
374
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:23,227
is just not humiliate yourself
on a bus full of children.
375
00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:24,686
Ooh, on that note,
376
00:20:24,811 --> 00:20:27,689
I got to make a quick stop
in the little boy's room.
377
00:20:28,690 --> 00:20:31,401
-[lock clicks]
-[Principal Shepherd] Turn on the radio!
378
00:20:32,736 --> 00:20:34,863
♪ You're looking kind of lonely, girl... ♪
379
00:20:34,947 --> 00:20:36,490
-[farting]
-[all] Ew!
380
00:20:36,573 --> 00:20:38,283
♪ Would you like someone new... ♪
381
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:39,493
[all] Ew!
382
00:20:39,618 --> 00:20:42,120
[Principal Shepherd]
This bowl's getting very full.
383
00:20:42,204 --> 00:20:45,165
I strongly suggest
we don't go up or down any hills.
384
00:20:45,249 --> 00:20:47,417
♪ I'm feeling kind of lonely, too ♪
385
00:20:47,542 --> 00:20:49,044
♪ If you don't mind ♪
386
00:20:49,127 --> 00:20:51,713
♪ Can I sit down here beside you? ♪
387
00:20:51,797 --> 00:20:53,382
[farting continues]
388
00:20:53,465 --> 00:20:55,050
♪ Ah, yeah ♪
389
00:20:55,175 --> 00:20:57,469
♪ All right. ♪
390
00:20:57,552 --> 00:21:00,514
[♪ theme music playing]
28721
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