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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,578 --> 00:00:05,617 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:06,472 --> 00:00:08,320 FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, 3 00:00:08,321 --> 00:00:10,706 and that means one thing in Springfield. 4 00:00:10,707 --> 00:00:12,708 It's that time again. 5 00:00:12,709 --> 00:00:14,894 Opening day of peewee football. 6 00:00:14,895 --> 00:00:16,379 (OVER P.A.): And everybody's headed 7 00:00:16,380 --> 00:00:18,581 down to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action. 8 00:00:18,582 --> 00:00:20,082 It all comes down to this, 9 00:00:20,083 --> 00:00:21,551 the first game of the year, 10 00:00:21,552 --> 00:00:23,252 perfect season on the line. 11 00:00:23,253 --> 00:00:25,721 And drunks are being rolled off the field. 12 00:00:25,722 --> 00:00:26,756 Ladies and gentlemen, 13 00:00:26,757 --> 00:00:29,058 your Springfield Neutrinos! 14 00:00:29,059 --> 00:00:31,092 (CROWD CHEERING) 15 00:00:33,013 --> 00:00:34,814 BART: Huh? 16 00:00:34,815 --> 00:00:35,848 NELSON: Where'd everybody go? 17 00:00:35,849 --> 00:00:36,933 BART: I can't see. 18 00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:39,685 (GASPS) They over-fogged the run-in! 19 00:00:39,686 --> 00:00:41,103 They put those kids in danger 20 00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:42,738 just to psych up the crowd. 21 00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:44,190 Yeah, are you psyched up now? 22 00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:45,524 Huh? Are you?! 23 00:00:45,525 --> 00:00:47,827 (PLAYERS PANICKING, HELMETS CLONKING) 24 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:49,912 Concussions! 25 00:00:49,913 --> 00:00:52,197 Concessions! 26 00:00:54,117 --> 00:00:55,585 - (DOOR DINGS) - Aah! 27 00:00:55,586 --> 00:00:57,203 (ANXIOUS CHATTER) 28 00:00:57,204 --> 00:00:59,705 My boy hit his head doing football! 29 00:00:59,706 --> 00:01:01,207 I'm a doctor's wife. 30 00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:03,042 Save my boy first! 31 00:01:03,043 --> 00:01:05,544 My boy needs an MRI! 32 00:01:05,545 --> 00:01:06,545 (CLAMORING) Ow! 33 00:01:06,546 --> 00:01:07,513 - Ow! - Ow! 34 00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:08,764 - Ow! Ow! - Oh! 35 00:01:08,765 --> 00:01:09,715 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 36 00:01:09,716 --> 00:01:11,050 With head injury concerns 37 00:01:11,051 --> 00:01:12,802 on the mind, the town has shut down 38 00:01:12,803 --> 00:01:14,387 its peewee football program. 39 00:01:14,388 --> 00:01:15,805 Professor, what danger does this 40 00:01:15,806 --> 00:01:17,690 concussion threat truly pose? 41 00:01:17,691 --> 00:01:18,808 Uh, well, Kent, 42 00:01:18,809 --> 00:01:20,860 these children will need their brains 43 00:01:20,861 --> 00:01:23,813 unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs 44 00:01:23,814 --> 00:01:24,947 of the future: 45 00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:28,234 polishing and buffing our robot masters. 46 00:01:28,235 --> 00:01:29,368 Indeed. 47 00:01:29,369 --> 00:01:30,536 And here to defend youth football, 48 00:01:30,537 --> 00:01:32,622 we have... Nelson's dad. 49 00:01:32,623 --> 00:01:33,823 Are you wearing makeup? 50 00:01:33,824 --> 00:01:35,875 Is it worth the risk to your son's health 51 00:01:35,876 --> 00:01:38,294 when only .1 percent of youth football players 52 00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:39,662 make it to the pros? 53 00:01:39,663 --> 00:01:41,580 You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes 54 00:01:41,581 --> 00:01:43,082 to play pro ball? Huh? 55 00:01:43,083 --> 00:01:44,667 Boy, show him your moves. 56 00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:45,835 Juke it, juke it! 57 00:01:45,836 --> 00:01:48,087 (GRUNTING) 58 00:01:48,088 --> 00:01:50,256 Why are you dekeing it when I said juke it? 59 00:01:50,257 --> 00:01:51,474 Take a lap! 60 00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:52,842 Without football, Kent, (NELSON GROANS) 61 00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:54,677 how are kids gonna learn character like I did, 62 00:01:54,678 --> 00:01:56,312 you stupid fruit-munch? 63 00:01:56,313 --> 00:01:58,514 And what is your problem, smart-nuts? 64 00:01:58,515 --> 00:01:59,649 (GRUNTS) 65 00:01:59,650 --> 00:02:01,684 Which brings us to this question: 66 00:02:01,685 --> 00:02:02,902 if not football, 67 00:02:02,903 --> 00:02:05,020 what sport is safe for our children? 68 00:02:07,357 --> 00:02:09,825 But there are so many club sports 69 00:02:09,826 --> 00:02:11,694 that can eat up all our free time. 70 00:02:11,695 --> 00:02:12,862 What about baseball? 71 00:02:12,863 --> 00:02:14,113 (SCOFFS) Baseball... 72 00:02:14,114 --> 00:02:15,498 Rife with steroids! 73 00:02:15,499 --> 00:02:17,033 Then test for steroids! 74 00:02:17,034 --> 00:02:19,452 Oh and then there'll be no home runs! 75 00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:22,121 (ALL ARGUING) Um, I think I-I may have a solution. 76 00:02:22,122 --> 00:02:23,172 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 77 00:02:23,173 --> 00:02:24,674 What about biathlon? 78 00:02:24,675 --> 00:02:27,209 That teaches kids to ski and kill. 79 00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:28,427 How about Frisbee-golf? 80 00:02:28,428 --> 00:02:30,012 If I could just have your attention... 81 00:02:30,013 --> 00:02:32,264 Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting? 82 00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:35,267 It builds biting, jaw strength and mouth work. 83 00:02:35,268 --> 00:02:37,436 The champion for a long time was a dog. 84 00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:39,555 (GROANS) No one is listening to me. 85 00:02:39,556 --> 00:02:40,856 Well, maybe no one wants to hear 86 00:02:40,857 --> 00:02:42,274 your ridiculous idea. 87 00:02:42,275 --> 00:02:44,393 Let's go, we're late for prenatal yoga. 88 00:02:44,394 --> 00:02:45,528 Milhouse is ten. 89 00:02:45,529 --> 00:02:48,030 Why are we still doing that? 90 00:02:48,031 --> 00:02:49,315 Poor Kirk. 91 00:02:49,316 --> 00:02:50,783 No one listens to him. 92 00:02:50,784 --> 00:02:53,069 Even Luann treats him like garbage. 93 00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:55,037 (SIGHS) Love's funny like that. 94 00:02:55,038 --> 00:02:56,155 Help him out. 95 00:02:56,156 --> 00:02:58,157 Make people listen to his idea. 96 00:02:58,158 --> 00:02:59,375 Oh, why me? 97 00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:00,960 I only came to this concert 98 00:03:00,961 --> 00:03:02,661 because I was told it was a potluck. 99 00:03:02,662 --> 00:03:03,629 (GRUNTS) 100 00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:06,716 (GROANS) 101 00:03:06,717 --> 00:03:08,968 (ARGUING CONTINUES) 102 00:03:08,969 --> 00:03:11,587 Attention, smothering parents 103 00:03:11,588 --> 00:03:13,723 who only came to hear themselves talk! 104 00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:15,591 You're an idiot! (ARGUING QUIETS) 105 00:03:15,592 --> 00:03:18,594 This guy has as much right to bore us 106 00:03:18,595 --> 00:03:20,012 as any of you! 107 00:03:20,013 --> 00:03:21,564 Take it away, buddy. 108 00:03:21,565 --> 00:03:23,649 (ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy... 109 00:03:23,650 --> 00:03:25,101 "Buddy." Huh. 110 00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:27,820 Um, I've got an exciting sport 111 00:03:27,821 --> 00:03:30,523 that's great exercise a-and teaches teamwork. 112 00:03:30,524 --> 00:03:31,574 Lacrosse. 113 00:03:31,575 --> 00:03:33,275 - La-what? - What-cross? 114 00:03:33,276 --> 00:03:34,360 What-what? 115 00:03:34,361 --> 00:03:35,327 Lacrosse. 116 00:03:35,328 --> 00:03:37,329 It's the perfect combination of 117 00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:39,615 America's two least watched sports: 118 00:03:39,616 --> 00:03:41,283 soccer and hockey. 119 00:03:41,284 --> 00:03:43,452 (MURMURING EXCITEDLY) 120 00:03:43,453 --> 00:03:45,337 Any kid can learn to play lacrosse. 121 00:03:45,338 --> 00:03:46,337 Even this. 122 00:03:47,124 --> 00:03:48,340 (PARENTS GASPING) 123 00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:50,792 This isn't a drive-in movie. 124 00:03:52,045 --> 00:03:52,961 (PARENTS GASPING) 125 00:03:56,016 --> 00:03:57,383 Everybody, 126 00:03:57,384 --> 00:04:00,136 feel free to whip stuff at my son's face. 127 00:04:00,137 --> 00:04:01,886 (LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER) 128 00:04:04,224 --> 00:04:05,558 Yarr. 129 00:04:05,559 --> 00:04:06,892 Now hold on there. 130 00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:08,727 Lacrosse has the second highest concussion rate, 131 00:04:08,728 --> 00:04:09,644 right after football. 132 00:04:10,981 --> 00:04:13,783 (CHANTING): Safer than football! 133 00:04:13,784 --> 00:04:15,818 Safer than football! 134 00:04:15,819 --> 00:04:17,870 Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch 135 00:04:17,871 --> 00:04:19,872 teach our kids this crazy sport? 136 00:04:19,873 --> 00:04:21,907 Me, coach your kids? 137 00:04:21,908 --> 00:04:23,826 Most of you won't even make eye contact 138 00:04:23,827 --> 00:04:26,162 when I'm weighing your yogurt. 139 00:04:26,163 --> 00:04:27,746 I'll do it. 140 00:04:27,747 --> 00:04:29,999 If Homer will coach with me. 141 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,083 Huh? 142 00:04:31,084 --> 00:04:32,668 We've come too far together 143 00:04:32,669 --> 00:04:34,336 on this crazy ride. 144 00:04:34,337 --> 00:04:36,172 It wouldn't feel right to do it without you... 145 00:04:36,173 --> 00:04:37,306 buddy. 146 00:04:37,307 --> 00:04:39,225 (ECHOING): Buddy, buddy, buddy... 147 00:04:39,226 --> 00:04:40,341 Mm? 148 00:04:42,596 --> 00:04:43,729 Oh, fine, 149 00:04:43,730 --> 00:04:45,397 I'll coach with this guy. 150 00:04:45,398 --> 00:04:46,982 But I promise you this: 151 00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:49,568 I will never stop complaining about it. 152 00:04:49,569 --> 00:04:51,987 (CHEERING) 153 00:04:51,988 --> 00:04:54,190 (GRUMBLING): Stupid sport I never heard of... 154 00:04:54,191 --> 00:04:56,859 make me wake up early on a Saturday... 155 00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,494 probably have to slice oranges... 156 00:04:58,495 --> 00:04:59,528 Don't even know the rules 157 00:04:59,529 --> 00:05:01,197 because I refuse to learn 'em... 158 00:05:01,198 --> 00:05:03,365 my kids will probably suck at it... 159 00:05:03,366 --> 00:05:04,617 And I'll have to kneel down 160 00:05:04,618 --> 00:05:07,286 on photo day, knees get all wet... 161 00:05:07,287 --> 00:05:09,171 despite my bad attitude, 162 00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:11,373 I'm thrilled by the nonstop action... 163 00:05:11,374 --> 00:05:13,209 kids running towards me 164 00:05:13,210 --> 00:05:15,544 with a look of joy I've never seen before... 165 00:05:15,545 --> 00:05:17,096 Dad, we won! 166 00:05:17,097 --> 00:05:18,797 It's okay, kids. 167 00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:21,300 What matters is you tried your best. 168 00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:22,885 Have an orange slice. 169 00:05:22,886 --> 00:05:24,436 No, we won! 170 00:05:24,437 --> 00:05:26,856 Yes, we're all winners. 171 00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:29,775 Because losing teaches valuable lessons. 172 00:05:29,776 --> 00:05:31,477 Have an orange slice. 173 00:05:31,478 --> 00:05:32,728 We did it, buddy. 174 00:05:32,729 --> 00:05:34,780 You and I make a great team. 175 00:05:34,781 --> 00:05:36,065 We won for real! 176 00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:38,067 For the first time in our lives, 177 00:05:38,068 --> 00:05:39,451 we can say "Good game" 178 00:05:39,452 --> 00:05:41,203 and actually mean it. 179 00:05:41,204 --> 00:05:42,404 Good game! 180 00:05:42,405 --> 00:05:43,822 Uh, good game! 181 00:05:43,823 --> 00:05:45,901 Ha! That's loser talk! 182 00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:52,366 (CHEERING) 183 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:55,118 (GROANING) 184 00:05:56,588 --> 00:05:58,623 Wow, pizza really does 185 00:05:58,624 --> 00:06:00,041 taste sweeter after you win. 186 00:06:00,042 --> 00:06:02,260 (HUMMING HAPPILY) 187 00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:03,250 Dude. 188 00:06:03,251 --> 00:06:05,058 My kids have never won at anything. 189 00:06:05,059 --> 00:06:06,309 All the girl does is read 190 00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:07,276 and the boy's got one of those 191 00:06:07,277 --> 00:06:08,778 paying attention diseases 192 00:06:08,779 --> 00:06:10,279 that isn't really a disease. 193 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,065 Awesome job, guys! 194 00:06:12,066 --> 00:06:14,233 How do you know so much about lacrosse? 195 00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:16,953 Wait. You want to know about me? 196 00:06:16,954 --> 00:06:18,905 (DISINTERESTED MUMBLING) 197 00:06:18,906 --> 00:06:20,957 Well, it all goes back to my college days, 198 00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:25,745 where I was the star attackman on our lacrosse team. 199 00:06:25,746 --> 00:06:26,746 (CROWD CHEERING) 200 00:06:26,747 --> 00:06:28,213 (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) 201 00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:33,169 I'd even been drafted to play in the pros 202 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:35,088 for the Milwaukee Zoom. 203 00:06:35,089 --> 00:06:37,507 After scoring the championship-winning goal, 204 00:06:37,508 --> 00:06:39,342 I was on top of the world, man. 205 00:06:39,343 --> 00:06:41,344 I was high-fiving everybody. 206 00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:43,346 For the first time in my life, 207 00:06:43,347 --> 00:06:45,932 no one, and I mean no one, was leaving me hanging. 208 00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:47,233 I was slap-happy, 209 00:06:47,234 --> 00:06:49,067 I couldn't stop myself, until... 210 00:06:50,571 --> 00:06:53,439 I highed one five too far. 211 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,359 (METALLIC CLANK) (WRIST SHATTERING) 212 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,244 Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot. 213 00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:01,747 (RETCHING) 214 00:07:01,748 --> 00:07:04,784 My Zoom dream died that day. 215 00:07:04,785 --> 00:07:06,202 Mm... 216 00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,035 (GRUNTS ANGRILY) 217 00:07:08,288 --> 00:07:10,540 Uh... Ah... 218 00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:11,757 (METALLIC CLICKING) 219 00:07:11,758 --> 00:07:14,293 My wrist healed, but my wrist in here... 220 00:07:14,294 --> 00:07:15,761 never did. 221 00:07:15,762 --> 00:07:18,681 I've never high-fived my own son. 222 00:07:18,682 --> 00:07:20,716 The mascot wore a suit of armor? 223 00:07:20,717 --> 00:07:21,968 Just like a knight! 224 00:07:21,969 --> 00:07:24,520 Yeah, but now lacrosse has brought us together. 225 00:07:24,521 --> 00:07:25,555 Hey, a toast, 226 00:07:25,556 --> 00:07:26,856 to new friendship! 227 00:07:26,857 --> 00:07:29,609 Could I get a roll of toilet paper, please? 228 00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,810 I get nosebleeds when I drink. 229 00:07:32,980 --> 00:07:34,981 To... new... 230 00:07:34,982 --> 00:07:36,364 friendship. 231 00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:39,235 Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. 232 00:07:39,236 --> 00:07:40,368 (HOMER SNORING) 233 00:07:41,955 --> 00:07:43,322 - Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad! 234 00:07:43,323 --> 00:07:44,540 Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! 235 00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:46,074 (MOANING GROGGILY) 236 00:07:50,998 --> 00:07:51,998 Oof! 237 00:07:51,999 --> 00:07:54,333 (MAGGIE COOS) 238 00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:56,502 It's 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday. 239 00:07:56,503 --> 00:07:58,838 We have a weekend lacrosse tournament! 240 00:07:58,839 --> 00:08:00,339 (HORN HONKING OUTSIDE) There's Coach K! 241 00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,173 Come on, come on, come on! 242 00:08:02,392 --> 00:08:05,678 (BART AND LISA GRUNTING) 243 00:08:05,679 --> 00:08:06,679 (LISA CHUCKLES) 244 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,514 (BOTH BREATHING RAPIDLY) 245 00:08:08,515 --> 00:08:10,149 LISA: Come on, Dad! 246 00:08:10,150 --> 00:08:11,684 (GRUNTS, GASPS) 247 00:08:11,685 --> 00:08:15,321 Check out the travel van, brah! (CHUCKLES) 248 00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:17,023 Two days, ten games, 249 00:08:17,024 --> 00:08:20,243 700 miles and one sweet mixtape. 250 00:08:20,244 --> 00:08:22,778 I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 251 00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:25,448 'cause this van's about to swing. 252 00:08:25,449 --> 00:08:29,502 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 253 00:08:29,503 --> 00:08:30,870 ♪ And it's you and me ♪ 254 00:08:30,871 --> 00:08:31,921 ♪ And the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 255 00:08:31,922 --> 00:08:33,122 Uh... 256 00:08:33,123 --> 00:08:34,624 I'm pretty sure a mixtape 257 00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:36,042 isn't just the same song 258 00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:37,710 over and over again. 259 00:08:37,711 --> 00:08:40,546 No, no, dude, they're different live versions. 260 00:08:40,547 --> 00:08:43,599 You can tell because some are longer. 261 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,635 (MUSIC STOPS) Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen? 262 00:08:45,636 --> 00:08:47,353 It tastes like passionfruit 263 00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,138 and people think you're a smoker. 264 00:08:49,139 --> 00:08:50,723 Why would I want that? 265 00:08:50,724 --> 00:08:51,891 (CHUCKLING): Don't worry, 266 00:08:51,892 --> 00:08:53,359 Marge isn't here. 267 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,777 Oh, speaking of which, 268 00:08:54,778 --> 00:08:56,729 where is the craziest place 269 00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:58,531 you two have ever done it? 270 00:08:58,532 --> 00:09:00,733 - What? - Let's both say it at the same time. 271 00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:01,951 One... two... 272 00:09:01,952 --> 00:09:03,619 - Don't! - Chipotle! 273 00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,404 There are kids back there! 274 00:09:05,405 --> 00:09:07,073 Oh, they can't hear us. 275 00:09:07,074 --> 00:09:09,959 I got 'em watching classic lacrosse matches. 276 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,244 (CROWD CHEERING) 277 00:09:11,245 --> 00:09:12,795 Textbook ankle-breaker 278 00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:13,913 by Gary Gait! 279 00:09:13,914 --> 00:09:16,749 And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk! 280 00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:18,718 Everyone be sure to fuel up 281 00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,135 with a rice sandwich. 282 00:09:24,424 --> 00:09:26,392 - Mmm. - Mmm. 283 00:09:26,393 --> 00:09:28,094 HOMER: Rice in a sandwich? 284 00:09:28,095 --> 00:09:29,645 That's mush-on-mush. 285 00:09:29,646 --> 00:09:32,348 Doesn't this dweeb know kids need bologna to win? 286 00:09:32,349 --> 00:09:35,101 Those sandwiches had so many carbs! 287 00:09:35,102 --> 00:09:36,686 I've never played harder! 288 00:09:36,687 --> 00:09:38,321 Rice power! 289 00:09:38,322 --> 00:09:39,905 (GRUNTS) 290 00:09:39,906 --> 00:09:42,074 Uter, watch those alligator arms! 291 00:09:42,075 --> 00:09:43,442 Hug the pipe, Sherri! 292 00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,493 Milhouse, gobble and goose! 293 00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:50,082 (CHEERING) 294 00:09:50,083 --> 00:09:53,201 Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll! 295 00:09:58,875 --> 00:10:01,177 We won every game. 296 00:10:01,178 --> 00:10:04,297 Kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates. 297 00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:05,965 Worse than Jim Harbaugh? 298 00:10:05,966 --> 00:10:07,883 Well, not that bad. 299 00:10:07,884 --> 00:10:10,386 I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck, 300 00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:13,139 but remember, you're doing this for the kids. 301 00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:14,440 Right, right. The kids. 302 00:10:14,441 --> 00:10:15,891 Everything for the kids. 303 00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:17,059 (GASPS) Oh, God, he's coming! 304 00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:17,976 Hide, Marge. 305 00:10:20,731 --> 00:10:21,781 Oh, good call, buddy. 306 00:10:21,782 --> 00:10:22,982 Disco nap. 307 00:10:22,983 --> 00:10:24,567 We got to power up for tonight. (CHUCKLES) 308 00:10:24,568 --> 00:10:25,868 Tonight? 309 00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:28,154 Which gentlemen's club should we hit first, 310 00:10:28,155 --> 00:10:30,539 Skin City or the Tassel Castle? 311 00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:31,657 Gentlemen's... 312 00:10:31,658 --> 00:10:33,125 you mean a strip club? 313 00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:35,328 Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers, 314 00:10:35,329 --> 00:10:36,962 but they're kind of stuck up, 315 00:10:36,963 --> 00:10:39,715 if you believe Lap-Aficionado.com. 316 00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:41,384 Which, uh... (CHUCKLES) I do. 317 00:10:41,385 --> 00:10:43,302 Why would I want to go to a strip club? 318 00:10:43,303 --> 00:10:45,171 I'm married to a naked lady. 319 00:10:45,172 --> 00:10:48,674 Drive time to Sapphire Diamond is only 39 minutes. 320 00:10:48,675 --> 00:10:50,893 That's the fastest it's been all day. 321 00:10:50,894 --> 00:10:52,561 Hey, wa... 38 minutes! 322 00:10:52,562 --> 00:10:54,847 Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot of kind of guys... 323 00:10:54,848 --> 00:10:56,432 A booze guy, 324 00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:58,434 a don't-know-my-kids'- birthdays guy, 325 00:10:58,435 --> 00:11:00,853 a steal-the-blow-dryer- from-the-motel guy, 326 00:11:00,854 --> 00:11:03,856 but I am not a strip club guy. 327 00:11:03,857 --> 00:11:06,609 You do want to hang with me, don't you, buddy? 328 00:11:06,610 --> 00:11:07,660 (GROANS SOFTLY) 329 00:11:07,661 --> 00:11:09,195 I can't do it. 330 00:11:09,196 --> 00:11:10,780 I can't pretend to be this guy's friend 331 00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:12,081 for one more second. 332 00:11:12,082 --> 00:11:14,450 I scored three goals today! 333 00:11:14,451 --> 00:11:17,002 I'm a jock. A jock! 334 00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:19,672 I didn't spit on my hand for the post-game handshake. 335 00:11:19,673 --> 00:11:21,624 Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk either, 336 00:11:21,625 --> 00:11:25,094 but look how much fun the kids' heads are having. 337 00:11:25,095 --> 00:11:26,929 (SIGHS) 338 00:11:26,930 --> 00:11:29,465 Of course I want to hang with you, buddy. 339 00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:32,518 But, you know, I'm pretty tired from all those YouTube videos 340 00:11:32,519 --> 00:11:34,603 you showed me about whiskey making. 341 00:11:34,604 --> 00:11:36,389 It gets its color from the barrel. 342 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:38,140 I know, the barrel. 343 00:11:38,141 --> 00:11:40,059 Let's just get some sleep. 344 00:11:40,060 --> 00:11:42,194 Well, all right. 345 00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:45,564 Next time we can just rage twice as hard, I guess. 346 00:11:45,565 --> 00:11:48,901 (CLICK, THEN LOUD HEARTBEAT) 347 00:11:48,902 --> 00:11:50,369 What the hell is that? 348 00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:53,289 I can't sleep without my white noise machine. 349 00:11:53,290 --> 00:11:55,156 Womb setting. 350 00:11:58,412 --> 00:12:00,796 (HEARTBEAT CONTINUES) 351 00:12:00,797 --> 00:12:05,084 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 352 00:12:05,085 --> 00:12:08,504 ♪ And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 353 00:12:08,505 --> 00:12:10,923 ♪ Yeah! ♪ 354 00:12:12,092 --> 00:12:13,175 (TIRES SCREECH, MUSIC STOPS) 355 00:12:13,176 --> 00:12:14,927 Mom, we swept the tourney! 356 00:12:14,928 --> 00:12:16,312 We're playing in the championship 357 00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:19,181 against Capital City! 358 00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:20,266 (TIRES PEEL OUT) 359 00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,434 Mwah! 360 00:12:21,435 --> 00:12:22,935 How does it feel to be the assistant coach 361 00:12:22,936 --> 00:12:24,687 of a winning team? 362 00:12:24,688 --> 00:12:27,273 I'm going for a walk. 363 00:12:27,274 --> 00:12:28,940 (GROANS) 364 00:12:30,527 --> 00:12:32,745 Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. 365 00:12:32,746 --> 00:12:34,113 Well, you know what they say, 366 00:12:34,114 --> 00:12:35,915 behind every successful man 367 00:12:35,916 --> 00:12:39,285 is his assistant coach. 368 00:12:39,286 --> 00:12:42,288 ♪ How can a wife understand ♪ 369 00:12:42,289 --> 00:12:44,874 ♪ What it feels like to finally meet a man? ♪ 370 00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:48,210 ♪ The strongest bond a dude could ever know ♪ 371 00:12:48,211 --> 00:12:49,962 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 372 00:12:49,963 --> 00:12:52,598 ♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪ 373 00:12:52,599 --> 00:12:55,384 ♪ A pal you don't feel lame with ♪ 374 00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:59,605 ♪ Life began the day I found my bro ♪ 375 00:12:59,606 --> 00:13:02,942 ♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪ 376 00:13:02,943 --> 00:13:05,644 ♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪ 377 00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:08,981 ♪ A dweeb that somehow thinks that I'm his bro ♪ 378 00:13:08,982 --> 00:13:10,449 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 379 00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:13,319 ♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪ 380 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,654 ♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪ 381 00:13:15,655 --> 00:13:21,243 ♪ How I despise him he will never know ♪ 382 00:13:21,244 --> 00:13:24,497 ♪ So much cool stuff we can do as a pair ♪ 383 00:13:24,498 --> 00:13:26,415 ♪ Everything about him is annoying ♪ 384 00:13:26,416 --> 00:13:29,385 ♪ Dress as minstrels at the renaissance fair ♪ 385 00:13:29,386 --> 00:13:31,470 ♪ He smells like fish oil pills ♪ 386 00:13:31,471 --> 00:13:34,507 ♪ Foosball Fridays in my man cave ♪ 387 00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:36,342 ♪ That waitress was not into you ♪ 388 00:13:36,343 --> 00:13:39,094 ♪ Designing the world's best ♪ 389 00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,230 ♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪ 390 00:13:41,231 --> 00:13:43,649 ♪ He wants us to co-host an Oscar party, what the hell? ♪ 391 00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:46,652 ♪ I hate everything about him ♪ 392 00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:49,321 ♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪ 393 00:13:49,322 --> 00:13:50,940 - ♪ I'm glad he can't ♪ - ♪ Wish he could ♪ 394 00:13:50,941 --> 00:13:52,491 BOTH: ♪ Hear me sing ♪ 395 00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:54,193 ♪ About this sweaty ♪ 396 00:13:54,194 --> 00:13:55,528 - ♪ Awesome ♪ - ♪ Fish oil ♪ 397 00:13:55,529 --> 00:13:56,862 - ♪ Awesome ♪ - ♪ I was only pretending ♪ 398 00:13:56,863 --> 00:14:00,783 ♪ To like that stupid dork named... ♪ 399 00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:03,252 Oh, hi, Kirk. 400 00:14:03,253 --> 00:14:06,922 (GRUNTS) 401 00:14:06,923 --> 00:14:08,423 (SAD SIGH) 402 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,367 FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Springfield, the city 403 00:14:12,368 --> 00:14:14,920 that lives and dies by youth lacrosse, 404 00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:17,591 a sport we first learned about five weeks ago. 405 00:14:17,592 --> 00:14:19,561 And with just two hours left until face off 406 00:14:19,562 --> 00:14:21,884 against Capital City, the countdown clock 407 00:14:21,885 --> 00:14:22,813 is ticking away. 408 00:14:22,814 --> 00:14:25,966 As always, laying out all the information you need to know, 409 00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:28,468 this is WXPO "The Pipe." 410 00:14:28,469 --> 00:14:32,473 (CHEERING) 411 00:14:32,474 --> 00:14:35,644 And now the man responsible for this miracle on grass, 412 00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:38,014 the "Priest of the Crease," "The Riceman Cometh," 413 00:14:38,015 --> 00:14:39,777 Coach K! 414 00:14:40,604 --> 00:14:43,822 (CONFUSED NOISES) 415 00:14:43,823 --> 00:14:45,658 Hmm, it's not like Kirk 416 00:14:45,659 --> 00:14:48,110 to miss such an important pre-game rally. 417 00:14:48,111 --> 00:14:50,829 Yeah, well, better get slicing on these oranges. 418 00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:52,331 Where is that coach? 419 00:14:52,332 --> 00:14:54,033 If we lose this game, 420 00:14:54,034 --> 00:14:55,834 I have to give the mayor of Capital City 421 00:14:55,835 --> 00:14:58,370 a crate of Springfield apricots. 422 00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,539 We grow no apricots! 423 00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:01,790 Kirk is missing. 424 00:15:01,791 --> 00:15:03,459 I haven't seen him since he left home 425 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,794 happily singing about his friendship with you. 426 00:15:05,795 --> 00:15:07,346 (HUMMING NERVOUSLY) 427 00:15:07,347 --> 00:15:09,296 Dad, what do you know? 428 00:15:09,297 --> 00:15:10,446 What? Nothing! 429 00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:13,449 I don't... oh, oh... 430 00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:14,783 All right. 431 00:15:14,784 --> 00:15:18,287 The truth is, your husband and your father 432 00:15:18,288 --> 00:15:20,372 is a soul-sucking loser who found out 433 00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:24,126 I was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team. 434 00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:26,762 But, but why did he empty out our bank account, 435 00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,630 and all in one-dollar bills? 436 00:15:28,631 --> 00:15:30,015 Oh, no. 437 00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:31,967 There's only one thing a man like Kirk wants 438 00:15:31,968 --> 00:15:33,602 with that many singles. 439 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,637 To hand out to the poor? 440 00:15:35,638 --> 00:15:36,688 Worse. 441 00:15:36,689 --> 00:15:38,356 To bring to a strip club. 442 00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:40,642 I'll go get him. 443 00:15:40,643 --> 00:15:42,694 I'll also get him. No, me! Me! 444 00:15:42,695 --> 00:15:43,979 I just need to go home and put on 445 00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:45,731 my special sweat pants. 446 00:15:45,732 --> 00:15:49,034 No, it's my husband's fault that Kirk has run off 447 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:52,404 to that jiggle joint and only he can get him out. 448 00:15:52,405 --> 00:15:53,622 Me? 449 00:15:53,623 --> 00:15:55,991 But those places are filled with creeps. 450 00:15:55,992 --> 00:15:58,160 Plus, all the chairs face the stage. 451 00:15:58,161 --> 00:15:59,545 What if I want to have a conversation 452 00:15:59,546 --> 00:16:01,130 with another patron? 453 00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:02,664 Come on, Dad, you've got to do it! 454 00:16:02,665 --> 00:16:05,083 Without Coach K, we can't play in the championship! 455 00:16:05,084 --> 00:16:07,136 Look at the countdown clock. 456 00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:09,471 ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock brought to you by Ray's Steaks: 457 00:16:09,472 --> 00:16:11,423 When you want to raise some stakes, 458 00:16:11,424 --> 00:16:13,642 head over to Ray's... Steaks. 459 00:16:13,643 --> 00:16:17,012 (CHANTING): Save Coach K! Save Coach K! 460 00:16:17,013 --> 00:16:19,181 Save Coach K! 461 00:16:19,182 --> 00:16:22,234 Save Coach K! Save Coach K! 462 00:16:22,235 --> 00:16:24,319 As your wife, I'm begging you, 463 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:28,524 if you ever loved me, go to that strip club. 464 00:16:29,943 --> 00:16:32,944 (CHEERING) 465 00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:38,083 (DOG HOWLS) 466 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,169 (GROANS) 467 00:16:48,878 --> 00:16:50,294 HOMER: Oh, guys. 468 00:16:51,714 --> 00:16:54,349 (TIRES SCREECH) 469 00:16:54,350 --> 00:16:55,551 (GROANS) 470 00:16:55,552 --> 00:16:57,686 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE) 471 00:16:57,687 --> 00:16:59,555 (ANGRY GROAN) Okay. 472 00:16:59,556 --> 00:17:02,140 All I got to do is go in, get the pervert, 473 00:17:02,141 --> 00:17:04,393 and bring him back to a park full of children. 474 00:17:04,394 --> 00:17:06,195 Hey, I'm looking for my friend. 475 00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:09,147 Bald middle-aged guy, sad paunch, given up on life. 476 00:17:09,148 --> 00:17:10,616 It's 10:00 in the morning. 477 00:17:10,617 --> 00:17:11,900 Take your pick. 478 00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:13,118 (DEPRESSED GROANING) 479 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,902 - Oh, boy. - Oh, man. 480 00:17:16,623 --> 00:17:18,240 - (WORRIED MOAN) - WOMAN: Hello. 481 00:17:18,241 --> 00:17:20,576 Uh, no, thank you. Hey there, big guy. 482 00:17:20,577 --> 00:17:21,960 No, thank you. 483 00:17:21,961 --> 00:17:24,580 Happily married man with no cash coming through. 484 00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:26,131 (PANTING) 485 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,332 Made it. 486 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,084 Nothing in this place can tempt me. 487 00:17:29,085 --> 00:17:30,919 (MOANS) 488 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,421 Oh, baby, yes. 489 00:17:32,422 --> 00:17:34,640 Those legs go on forever. 490 00:17:34,641 --> 00:17:36,308 (MOANS) 491 00:17:36,309 --> 00:17:38,093 Where are they? 492 00:17:38,094 --> 00:17:40,345 Maybe we shouldn't have sent Homer Simpson 493 00:17:40,346 --> 00:17:41,513 into that den of sin. 494 00:17:41,514 --> 00:17:42,514 (MARGE GROANS, MS. HOOVER GASPS) 495 00:17:42,515 --> 00:17:44,399 My husband's a good man. 496 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:45,767 He can do this. 497 00:17:45,768 --> 00:17:46,985 (CHEWING SOUNDS) 498 00:17:46,986 --> 00:17:49,655 Oh, worst food I've ever had. 499 00:17:49,656 --> 00:17:51,106 So much... 500 00:17:51,107 --> 00:17:53,025 Is that guy still in the champagne room? 501 00:17:53,026 --> 00:17:54,943 He hasn't slept in days. 502 00:17:54,944 --> 00:17:57,663 He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches. 503 00:17:57,664 --> 00:17:59,581 He says they give him energy. 504 00:17:59,582 --> 00:18:03,285 Wait, who do I know that likes rice sandwiches? 505 00:18:03,286 --> 00:18:07,589 (GASPS) Bart's friend's dad! 506 00:18:07,590 --> 00:18:09,424 So anyway, they can't call it bourbon 507 00:18:09,425 --> 00:18:11,376 unless it's from Kentucky. 508 00:18:11,377 --> 00:18:14,846 It's the American bourbon... He's not a loser paying for lap dances; 509 00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:17,466 he's a loser paying for listening. 510 00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:19,551 Kirk, we've got to go. 511 00:18:19,552 --> 00:18:21,637 The big game is about to start. 512 00:18:21,638 --> 00:18:23,689 Come on... buddy? 513 00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:26,024 Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh? 514 00:18:26,025 --> 00:18:27,976 Well, guess what, buddy. 515 00:18:27,977 --> 00:18:31,313 Carmeleena and Bodacious are my true friends. 516 00:18:31,314 --> 00:18:33,982 Nothing, nothing that we had was real. 517 00:18:33,983 --> 00:18:36,234 Well, it was all fake. 518 00:18:36,235 --> 00:18:39,288 But, damn it, somehow you turned our fat, lazy, loser kids 519 00:18:39,289 --> 00:18:40,656 into winners. 520 00:18:40,657 --> 00:18:43,158 Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you. 521 00:18:43,159 --> 00:18:45,911 But I respect you. 522 00:18:45,912 --> 00:18:47,212 Respect? 523 00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:48,630 That's the one thing you can't buy 524 00:18:48,631 --> 00:18:50,382 in a place like this. 525 00:18:50,383 --> 00:18:51,667 (LOUD PEELING) 526 00:18:51,668 --> 00:18:54,553 I've got to get to that game! 527 00:18:54,554 --> 00:18:57,589 Hey, that's a great realization you had there, pally. 528 00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:59,391 Now if we could just settle this up, eh? 529 00:18:59,392 --> 00:19:01,510 $15,000? 530 00:19:01,511 --> 00:19:05,764 12 lap-dances an hour, times three girls, times 56 hours, 531 00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:08,350 pole tax, glitter recycling fee. 532 00:19:08,351 --> 00:19:09,768 It's quite a ride. 533 00:19:09,769 --> 00:19:10,936 (GRUNTS) 534 00:19:10,937 --> 00:19:12,187 (MEN COUGHING, KIRK YELLS) Run! 535 00:19:15,608 --> 00:19:17,192 (NERVOUSLY GROANING) 536 00:19:17,193 --> 00:19:18,910 (YELLS) DJs! 537 00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:19,945 Uh-oh, 538 00:19:19,946 --> 00:19:21,078 Japanese businessmen! 539 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:25,283 ATM with giant service fee! 540 00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:28,537 Aw, we'll never make it to the game. 541 00:19:28,538 --> 00:19:31,623 Our kids were depending on us and we let them down. 542 00:19:31,624 --> 00:19:33,875 You let them down. You. 543 00:19:33,876 --> 00:19:35,260 Did you say kids? 544 00:19:35,261 --> 00:19:37,045 We all have kids. 545 00:19:37,046 --> 00:19:39,047 We'd do anything for 'em. 546 00:19:39,048 --> 00:19:40,932 (BABIES COOING, NURSERY MUSIC PLAYS) 547 00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:45,103 Come on, working moms, let's get these dads to that game. 548 00:19:45,104 --> 00:19:46,888 I'm sorry, kids, but your coaches aren't here. 549 00:19:46,889 --> 00:19:48,357 You're going to have to forfeit. 550 00:19:48,358 --> 00:19:51,443 And now to blow this whistle and make it official. 551 00:19:51,444 --> 00:19:53,695 (GUST OF WIND, HELICOPTER BLADES SPINNING) 552 00:19:53,696 --> 00:19:55,280 It's the Strip-a-copter! 553 00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,898 I mean, it's a helicopter I've never rented before. 554 00:20:01,204 --> 00:20:02,988 Helmet up, kids. 555 00:20:02,989 --> 00:20:05,824 Let's win ourselves a championship. 556 00:20:05,825 --> 00:20:09,044 Who wants orange slices? 557 00:20:09,045 --> 00:20:10,545 (CHEERING) 558 00:20:10,546 --> 00:20:11,829 ALL: Yay! 559 00:20:13,583 --> 00:20:16,668 No matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives, 560 00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:19,004 they'll always have this moment. 561 00:20:19,005 --> 00:20:21,506 Buddy, you deserve this. 562 00:20:21,507 --> 00:20:22,758 (EXCLAIMS QUIETLY) 563 00:20:22,759 --> 00:20:24,226 (BONES CRACKING, HOMER AND KIRK SCREAM) 564 00:20:24,227 --> 00:20:26,011 Just because we're in traction 565 00:20:26,012 --> 00:20:28,847 doesn't mean this hospital room can't swing. 566 00:20:28,848 --> 00:20:33,235 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 567 00:20:33,236 --> 00:20:35,437 ♪ And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 568 00:20:35,438 --> 00:20:36,688 (MUFFLED GROANING) 569 00:20:36,689 --> 00:20:38,356 ♪ Yeah! ♪ 570 00:20:38,357 --> 00:20:41,198 ♪ What do you mean it's last call? ♪ 571 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:45,089 Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com 572 00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:51,946 Hey, guys, I know all you "Crushin' It" fans 573 00:20:51,947 --> 00:20:54,720 are super pumped for my latest Crush video. 574 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,805 Sorry, no contest winner this week. 575 00:20:56,806 --> 00:20:58,640 Remember, to qualify, 576 00:20:58,641 --> 00:21:01,510 you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment. 577 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:04,430 Now, the secret to the ultimate rice sammy 578 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:08,100 is to make sure the rice is really wet, li-like soaking. 579 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,101 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 580 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,686 (CHEWS AND SLURPS) 581 00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:11,987 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 582 00:21:11,988 --> 00:21:14,823 So after going in to find it a third time, 583 00:21:14,824 --> 00:21:18,027 they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside... 584 00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,028 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 585 00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,329 Five words... 586 00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:23,412 jet fuel can't melt steel. 587 00:21:23,413 --> 00:21:24,199 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 588 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,534 When I held the door for that guy 589 00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:28,646 and he didn't even say thank you, I just lost it! 590 00:21:28,647 --> 00:21:29,455 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 591 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:32,791 Oh, man, Milwaukee would've been so sweet. 592 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,418 The Zoom were the kings of that town! 593 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:36,635 (HIGH-PITCHED SCRUBBING) 40501

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