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00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:08,380
Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:08,381 --> 00:00:10,901
Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
3
00:00:10,902 --> 00:00:13,742
Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
4
00:00:13,743 --> 00:00:16,543
Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
5
00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:19,064
Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
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00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:21,586
Groovy Greeks, brainy
sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:21,587 --> 00:00:26,706
Gory stories, we do that
And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:26,709 --> 00:00:30,788
The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
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00:00:30,790 --> 00:00:35,430
Horrible Histories.
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00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:43,993
The famous Battle of Hastings took place in 1066.
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00:00:43,996 --> 00:00:48,035
If you want to know what happened,
look at the Bayeux Tapestry.
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00:00:48,037 --> 00:00:50,157
It tells the whole story.
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00:00:57,241 --> 00:00:59,120
..she fell over!
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00:00:59,122 --> 00:01:02,961
You're watching News At
1066, with me, Dagbar Broadaxe...
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00:01:02,964 --> 00:01:04,843
..and me, Matilda Highwimple.
16
00:01:04,844 --> 00:01:08,363
We bring you news of a major battle
at Hastings on the Sussex coast.
17
00:01:08,366 --> 00:01:11,325
Reports of the battle are
only just beginning to reach us,
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00:01:11,326 --> 00:01:14,207
- live by tapestry.
- We must apologise for the time delay,
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00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,087
but these scenes have taken a while to embroider.
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00:01:17,090 --> 00:01:20,209
It all seems to have started
with the funeral of King Edward,
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00:01:20,211 --> 00:01:22,490
after which Harold became King of England,
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00:01:22,492 --> 00:01:25,531
and this annoyed William
of Normandy who thought the crown
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00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:27,012
had been promised to him.
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00:01:27,014 --> 00:01:29,773
These exclusive pictures
show the Normans building
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00:01:29,775 --> 00:01:33,854
their invasion fleet, stockpiling
weapons and setting sail for England.
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No resistance when they landed
as Harold was away fighting Vikings
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00:01:37,778 --> 00:01:39,097
in Yorkshire at the time.
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00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,818
Do we know yet what the
Normans did when they landed?
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00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:45,179
Well, Matilda, they do come
from France so they cooked themselves
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00:01:45,181 --> 00:01:46,580
a massive meal.
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00:01:46,582 --> 00:01:49,581
Let's take a look now at the war zone itself.
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This report contains scenes of violence
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00:01:51,823 --> 00:01:55,024
- which viewers may find disturbing.
- We're in the thick of battle
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00:01:55,025 --> 00:01:58,384
and it looks like the English
infantry have left the high ground
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00:01:58,387 --> 00:02:01,826
- and been trapped by the Norman cavalry...
- Sorry to interrupt.
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00:02:01,828 --> 00:02:05,987
We're getting some breaking news.
It looks like King Harold...
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00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:09,109
has been killed. That's what we're hearing.
38
00:02:09,111 --> 00:02:10,910
Yes, King Harold has been killed.
39
00:02:10,912 --> 00:02:13,951
We don't know yet whether
King Harold is the one you can see
40
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:16,792
with the arrow in his
eye or the one on the right,
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00:02:16,794 --> 00:02:19,793
being chopped down with
the sword, it could be either.
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00:02:19,796 --> 00:02:22,635
It looks like it's all over.
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00:02:22,637 --> 00:02:26,836
So, William is now officially
the Conqueror and the Normans
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00:02:26,838 --> 00:02:28,957
have taken over Anglo-Saxon England.
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00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:30,998
It's a truly sad day for us all.
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00:02:30,999 --> 00:02:33,280
- FRENCH ACCENT:
- What's that you are saying?
47
00:02:33,281 --> 00:02:36,040
I was actually going to
say it was a very happy day.
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00:02:36,042 --> 00:02:38,281
Oh, happy day. Isn't that right, Matilda?
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00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,602
Yes, Dagbert. Ooh, yippee.
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00:02:41,605 --> 00:02:42,964
Yes. Bonjour!
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00:02:42,965 --> 00:02:46,484
Most historians think the Bayeux
Tapestry was made in Canterbury
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00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:49,126
in Kent, a few years after 1066.
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00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:53,367
Today, it is in a museum in Bayeaux in France.
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00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:56,929
Tickets are 8 Euros for adults,
4 for children and rats go free
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00:02:56,931 --> 00:02:59,570
if they shimmy down the drainpipe, ha-ha-ha-ha!
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00:02:59,572 --> 00:03:01,811
And it wasn't just tapestries.
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00:03:01,813 --> 00:03:06,172
War provided inspiration for
songs in the Middle Ages as well.
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00:03:06,175 --> 00:03:11,014
Out now! The latest album
from Middle Ages French troubadour,
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00:03:11,017 --> 00:03:12,457
Bertran de Born...
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00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:55,874
Lyre solo!
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00:03:55,875 --> 00:03:58,595
Also featuring his other best-ever lyrics...
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00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,240
Buy it now before Bertrand
gives up and becomes a monk!
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00:04:12,242 --> 00:04:16,161
Listen, kiddo. You were dreadful. Just dreadful.
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00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,603
'ow dare you?!
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00:04:17,604 --> 00:04:20,724
When you become a monk,
I hope you take a vow of silence.
66
00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:25,565
Zat Simon Cowell is so nasty and 'orrible.
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00:04:25,568 --> 00:04:27,927
I must write a song about 'im!
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00:04:27,929 --> 00:04:32,088
Simon Cow-ell Simon Cow-ell
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00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:35,330
Your trousers are too high
And everybody prefers Cheryl...
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00:04:40,774 --> 00:04:43,893
Victorian Britain was a
very dangerous place to grow up.
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00:04:43,895 --> 00:04:47,574
In fact, only half of Victorian
children lived to the age of five.
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00:04:47,577 --> 00:04:48,736
Good day.
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00:04:48,737 --> 00:04:51,097
EASTENDERS THEME TUNE
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00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,220
Right, better give these dishes a good clean.
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00:04:59,582 --> 00:05:00,741
Oh, hello, love.
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00:05:00,742 --> 00:05:02,341
You're back early.
77
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,102
How was the factory?
78
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,223
You are not going to believe this.
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00:05:06,225 --> 00:05:09,664
The managers wound the clock forward half hour,
80
00:05:09,666 --> 00:05:13,265
then fined us for being half hour late.
81
00:05:13,268 --> 00:05:15,867
- Oh, honestly!
- Unbelievable.
82
00:05:15,869 --> 00:05:18,988
- Dad?
- What is it, seventh child?
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00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:21,389
- It's my birthday.
- Is it?
84
00:05:21,391 --> 00:05:24,670
- How old are you?
- Five. - Five?!
85
00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:29,591
- Well done, lad!
- So...you haven't got me a present?
86
00:05:29,594 --> 00:05:33,153
- We didn't think you'd make it this far.
- What would you like?
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00:05:33,156 --> 00:05:34,235
I'd like a name.
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00:05:34,236 --> 00:05:35,755
A name?
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00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:38,836
Well, the thing is, son...
90
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,837
Coming up with good names is very tricky.
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00:05:41,839 --> 00:05:47,038
Given you only had a 50% chance
of surviving as far as you have,
92
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:49,001
we just thought we wouldn't bother.
93
00:05:49,002 --> 00:05:51,521
That's why we call you seventh child.
94
00:05:51,523 --> 00:05:54,482
I suppose he could have a name.
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00:05:54,485 --> 00:05:56,964
It is his birthday, after all.
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00:05:56,966 --> 00:05:59,005
OK. Um...
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00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:02,126
Oh! What about...Jack?
98
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:04,367
Ah! Jack it is then!
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00:06:04,369 --> 00:06:07,248
Oh! I've got an even better present for you.
100
00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:09,209
- What is it?
- A job.
101
00:06:09,211 --> 00:06:11,130
- Oh!
- Now you're five years old,
102
00:06:11,132 --> 00:06:13,891
you can come and work in
the factory with your old dad.
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00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:16,772
You start tomorrow, 6 o'clock sharp.
104
00:06:16,774 --> 00:06:20,893
Actually, best make it 5.30, in
case they try that clock trick again.
105
00:06:20,896 --> 00:06:23,855
How will we top this for his next birthday?!
106
00:06:23,857 --> 00:06:26,976
He'll be cleaning the cogs
in the new machine at the factory,
107
00:06:26,978 --> 00:06:29,738
so I don't think we need
to worry about next birthday.
108
00:06:32,901 --> 00:06:35,100
It's true. In Victorian times,
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00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:38,021
many poor children went
to work in dangerous factories
110
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,142
from the age of five! Five!
111
00:06:40,144 --> 00:06:43,583
Some people got to work
in nice, posh houses instead.
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00:06:43,585 --> 00:06:46,865
But then - that wasn't much fun either.
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00:06:48,307 --> 00:06:49,866
Hi! I'm a shouty man!
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00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,707
I'm here to tell you about new Victorian Maid,
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00:06:52,709 --> 00:06:55,309
the labour-saving revolution!
116
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,714
..or at least without getting a break!
117
00:07:10,716 --> 00:07:15,715
Is there no end to what Victorian Maid can do?
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00:07:15,718 --> 00:07:17,837
Not if you give it a long enough list!
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00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:18,889
What's more...
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00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:28,962
..then we'll replace it with a younger model,
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00:07:28,964 --> 00:07:31,284
for the same low, low price!
122
00:07:34,326 --> 00:07:38,245
..and we'll include this unique
honesty test, free of charge!
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00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:41,967
Simply place the coin under
a rug and if it's not found,
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00:07:41,969 --> 00:07:43,208
that's bad cleaning!
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00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:45,809
Time to replace Victorian Maid! CRASH!
126
00:07:45,811 --> 00:07:48,410
Or if it is found, and not given back to you,
127
00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:52,691
that's dishonest! Time to
replace Victorian Maid! CRASH!
128
00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:56,694
New Victorian Maid can be yours
for the incredible low, low price...
129
00:07:59,817 --> 00:08:01,136
Now, that's a bargain!
130
00:08:01,137 --> 00:08:03,457
Try new Victorian Maid today!
131
00:08:10,261 --> 00:08:12,940
So I think we've established we Victorians
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00:08:12,942 --> 00:08:14,901
were pretty vile to each other.
133
00:08:14,903 --> 00:08:18,582
Well, we were pretty
vile to other creatures, too.
134
00:08:18,584 --> 00:08:19,784
Oh, yes, we were.
135
00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:26,946
Greetings, terror lovers.
136
00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:29,467
I am Vincenzo Laffov.
137
00:08:29,469 --> 00:08:33,948
This week's sca-a-ary story
is from the Victorian Times.
138
00:08:33,951 --> 00:08:36,111
It's called...The Freaks!
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00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:41,351
It was in the reign of Queen
Victoria, a most eerie era
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00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,913
of fearful years, when a dark
new trend gripped the world -
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00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,834
the freakshow!
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00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:48,795
JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS
143
00:08:48,797 --> 00:08:52,196
That could not be less
like the music I had in mind.
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00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,997
Try track seven.
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00:08:53,999 --> 00:08:56,318
MORE JAUNTY CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS
146
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,559
Track eight?
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00:08:57,561 --> 00:09:00,360
GOTHIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
148
00:09:00,362 --> 00:09:02,921
The freakshow was a most vulgar place
149
00:09:02,923 --> 00:09:05,602
where those with unusual bodies or unique gifts
150
00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:10,123
were made to perform, as freaks,
for the amusement of a gasping public.
151
00:09:10,126 --> 00:09:12,765
But amongst the bearded ladies and pin-headed men
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00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:16,406
lurked a creature truly
deserving of the name...freak.
153
00:09:16,408 --> 00:09:18,248
The Fiji Mermaid!
154
00:09:19,490 --> 00:09:23,289
The crazed creature had a head
and arms almost human in appearance.
155
00:09:23,291 --> 00:09:26,730
But, from the waist down,
it's body was that of a fish!
156
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,572
But this mermaid was not alive.
157
00:09:28,574 --> 00:09:33,053
Just imagine the shock, the
fear, the REVULSION, felt by those
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00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,014
who witnessed a true, living, breathing freak!
159
00:09:36,017 --> 00:09:38,256
The pig-faced lady!
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00:09:38,258 --> 00:09:40,537
OINK! OINK!
161
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,737
That's just not scary, is it?
162
00:09:42,739 --> 00:09:44,298
Can we try slowing it down?
163
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,379
GRUNT! GRUNT!
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00:09:47,381 --> 00:09:48,900
It'll have to do.
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00:09:48,902 --> 00:09:52,661
As the eager public entered her tent,
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00:09:52,664 --> 00:09:53,943
there was the lady!
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00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:58,863
Her eyes dark and hooded,
her face wide and grizzled.
168
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:02,105
Her nose pushed forwards
into a wet, wrinkled snout.
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00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:05,346
From her cavernous mouth
came not a voice, but growls
170
00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,828
and snorts that shook the tent around her.
171
00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:10,869
What was this pig-faced lady?
172
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:14,110
And the answer - it was...
173
00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:17,392
a shaved bear...what?
174
00:10:19,715 --> 00:10:23,914
The pig-faced lady wasn't
a lady, it was a drugged bear?
175
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:25,515
With its fur shaved off?
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00:10:25,517 --> 00:10:27,716
And the mermaid was a dead monkey?!
177
00:10:27,718 --> 00:10:29,717
Sewn onto a fish?
178
00:10:29,719 --> 00:10:32,318
And covered in papier mache?
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00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:36,639
Can someone on this production
please get a dictionary
180
00:10:36,642 --> 00:10:39,041
and look up the word "scary"?
181
00:10:39,043 --> 00:10:41,922
I turned down a film premiere
to do this, you know.
182
00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:46,043
But I'm here, reading some
rubbish about dead monkeys.
183
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,925
That's it.
184
00:10:47,926 --> 00:10:49,365
I'm burning the book.
185
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,806
Don't try and stop me. No, no, get off!
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00:10:51,808 --> 00:10:53,048
I'm burning it!
187
00:11:03,253 --> 00:11:07,292
Hiya, fashion fans, and welcome
to Historical Fashion Fix.
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00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:10,333
This week, I'll be making
over a smelly Celtic farmer,
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00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,416
so best take some precautions.
190
00:11:13,577 --> 00:11:15,976
Let's meet Drostan.
191
00:11:15,978 --> 00:11:17,537
You look perfectly clean!
192
00:11:17,539 --> 00:11:21,178
- HE SNIFFS
- You smell good too!
193
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:25,499
- Celts do use soap.
- My apologies, Drostan, let's start over.
194
00:11:25,502 --> 00:11:29,341
- Tell us a bit about yourself.
- I hate Romans. - OK.
195
00:11:29,344 --> 00:11:31,583
- And any hobbies?
- Hating Romans.
196
00:11:31,585 --> 00:11:35,264
Well, you're in luck,
because I'll be making you over
197
00:11:35,266 --> 00:11:39,105
as the ultimate Celtic warrior,
a Roman-killing psycho.
198
00:11:39,108 --> 00:11:43,947
- (Yes!)
- First, let's do something about that ridiculous moustache.
199
00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:46,750
It isn't nearly ridiculous enough!
200
00:11:48,392 --> 00:11:51,471
There! Shorter hair and a longer moustache,
201
00:11:51,473 --> 00:11:53,752
that really says Celtic warrior.
202
00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:58,673
The hair is spiked and bleached
using crushed up limestone -
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00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,355
natures all-in-one bleach and hair gel.
204
00:12:01,357 --> 00:12:02,476
Nice.
205
00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:03,756
You go, Drostan.
206
00:12:03,758 --> 00:12:06,397
- So, can I go and kill some Romans now?
- Soon.
207
00:12:06,399 --> 00:12:10,879
- First, we have to get you out of those clothes.
- All right.
208
00:12:12,522 --> 00:12:15,161
- So, what am I going to wear?
- Nothing.
209
00:12:15,163 --> 00:12:16,322
W-what?
210
00:12:16,323 --> 00:12:19,202
Well, you do get to wear this...
211
00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:20,923
There.
212
00:12:20,925 --> 00:12:25,764
- What, is that it?
- Your neck band is carved with signs to bring you
213
00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:29,526
- good luck in battle.
- I'm going to need it, aren't I, mate?
214
00:12:29,529 --> 00:12:33,128
If I'm fighting in my birthday suit.
I'm nude! Look at me, I'm nude.
215
00:12:33,130 --> 00:12:35,769
All right. Going to have
some trouble with this one.
216
00:12:35,771 --> 00:12:38,370
We've got some woad leaves here.
217
00:12:38,372 --> 00:12:41,731
And I've squished up the
seeds into a lovely blue dye.
218
00:12:41,734 --> 00:12:43,694
Whoa, what are you doing with that?
219
00:12:45,335 --> 00:12:48,614
There, every inch the Celtic warrior.
220
00:12:48,615 --> 00:12:49,656
I look ridiculous.
221
00:12:49,657 --> 00:12:51,416
The flowers were my idea.
222
00:12:51,418 --> 00:12:54,497
What flowers...? Oh!
223
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:56,778
What's he doing?
224
00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:58,179
HE GROWLS ANGRILY
225
00:12:58,181 --> 00:13:00,020
What are you doing?!
226
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:03,820
Working my way up into
a Celtic warrior battle frenzy.
227
00:13:03,823 --> 00:13:07,742
I go absolutely bananas and
then kill everything in my path.
228
00:13:07,744 --> 00:13:09,783
Not on my show...
229
00:13:09,785 --> 00:13:11,185
sister.
230
00:13:13,107 --> 00:13:15,586
That's it for this week. Join us next time,
231
00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:18,987
when I'll be teaching a Saxon
monk how to jazz up his cassock
232
00:13:18,989 --> 00:13:22,308
with a viking's axe in his head. See you then.
233
00:13:22,311 --> 00:13:24,710
- I'm really sorry about...
- It's OK.
234
00:13:24,712 --> 00:13:27,991
It's true, some Celtic warriors fought naked.
235
00:13:27,993 --> 00:13:32,072
Yeah, they believed that if the
gods decided today was their day to die,
236
00:13:32,075 --> 00:13:35,714
then all the armour in the
world wasn't going to protect them.
237
00:13:35,716 --> 00:13:38,515
And did you know, one of
the most famous Celtic warriors
238
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:41,077
was actually a woman?
239
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,879
Gonna cause a stink
240
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,959
Won't be the first to blink
241
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,160
I'm not who you think Don't mess with me
242
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:53,282
I'm Boudicca
243
00:13:55,244 --> 00:13:58,923
My husband Prasutagus died He was a Celtic king
244
00:13:58,926 --> 00:14:02,285
I was his queen, so due
to me Was half of everything
245
00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:06,806
Roman law gave half
to me So half was what they got
246
00:14:06,809 --> 00:14:09,928
Till their nasty soldiers
came And took the blessed lot
247
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:13,409
Hey, mister, I'd say You
got the wrong end of the stick
248
00:14:13,412 --> 00:14:17,491
His answer turned this
sister Into one angry chick
249
00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:19,172
No man, Roman
250
00:14:19,174 --> 00:14:20,973
Will push around this woman
251
00:14:20,975 --> 00:14:24,574
You won't get far with Boudicca
252
00:14:24,576 --> 00:14:26,575
Foe man, yeoman
253
00:14:26,577 --> 00:14:28,376
Smash the Roman foe man
254
00:14:28,378 --> 00:14:29,817
All say yah
255
00:14:29,819 --> 00:14:31,659
- Yah!
- Boudicca
256
00:14:35,741 --> 00:14:39,300
I built a massive army
Headed straight for the city
257
00:14:39,302 --> 00:14:42,861
Beat 'em all with ease
And like me, it wasn't pretty
258
00:14:42,864 --> 00:14:46,703
Chopped 'em and hacked But
what made their red blood curl
259
00:14:46,706 --> 00:14:50,425
Bad enough being beaten But beaten by a girl?!
260
00:14:50,427 --> 00:14:52,226
Whacked 'em, smacked 'em
261
00:14:52,228 --> 00:14:53,987
Boy, how we attacked 'em
262
00:14:53,989 --> 00:14:57,468
Near and far Hah-hah-hah!
263
00:14:57,470 --> 00:15:01,309
Flayed 'em, slayed 'em Up and down parade 'em
264
00:15:01,312 --> 00:15:05,111
Boudicca Toughest by far
265
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,032
Colchester, London, St Albans
266
00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,394
Everybody talk about dead Romans
267
00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:14,035
We marched on up the Roman road
268
00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:15,916
That's known as Watling Street
269
00:15:15,918 --> 00:15:17,517
They trapped us in the forest
270
00:15:17,518 --> 00:15:19,957
Then thrashed us to our defeat
271
00:15:19,959 --> 00:15:23,278
By now you've guessed I'm
not The kind of girl to sit and cry
272
00:15:23,281 --> 00:15:26,480
Be sold a slave to Romans?
You know I'd rather die
273
00:15:26,482 --> 00:15:30,521
They tried to take me prisoner
So I led the Roman boys on
274
00:15:30,524 --> 00:15:34,403
Instead of giving in to
them I swallowed special poison
275
00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:38,004
Martyr, smarter Capture a non-starter
276
00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:41,646
This was our last hurrah
277
00:15:41,648 --> 00:15:43,367
Slaughtered, dismembered
278
00:15:43,369 --> 00:15:45,488
Our tribe always remembered
279
00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:49,089
Boudicca, superstar
280
00:15:49,091 --> 00:15:50,570
Boudicca
281
00:15:50,572 --> 00:15:52,371
Superstar.
282
00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:54,853
Don't diss this miss.
283
00:15:59,936 --> 00:16:03,135
Everyone knows that weddings can be a bit boring.
284
00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:06,016
But King Charles I certainly
made sure that his bride
285
00:16:06,018 --> 00:16:08,058
would never forget their wedding day.
286
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:15,100
IN FRENCH ACCENT: You look beautiful.
287
00:16:15,102 --> 00:16:17,861
Thank you.
288
00:16:17,863 --> 00:16:19,222
Who are you?
289
00:16:19,224 --> 00:16:21,583
Oh, sorry, I am the Duc de Chevreuse.
290
00:16:21,585 --> 00:16:23,544
I am going to marry you today. Enchante.
291
00:16:23,546 --> 00:16:26,345
What? Where's King Charles I?
292
00:16:26,347 --> 00:16:28,906
I'm supposed to marry him. Not you.
293
00:16:28,908 --> 00:16:31,187
You could do worse. I'm a duke.
294
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,828
- He's a king!
- Oh, yeah. Yes, I suppose he is.
295
00:16:33,830 --> 00:16:37,349
Anyway, he said to say he's
very sorry but he's a bit busy,
296
00:16:37,351 --> 00:16:40,870
so would you mind if I stood in
for him for the whole wedding thing?
297
00:16:40,873 --> 00:16:42,232
Stood in?
298
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:45,072
Yeah, well, you know,
it's a bit difficult for him.
299
00:16:45,075 --> 00:16:48,914
There's this dirty business with
religion - you're Catholic, he's not.
300
00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:50,755
Plus you're in France, he's not.
301
00:16:50,757 --> 00:16:53,436
So in the end, I just thought
it might be easier to...
302
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:55,517
pop down and get married for him.
303
00:16:55,519 --> 00:16:57,518
Does he not want to marry me, then?
304
00:16:57,519 --> 00:17:00,480
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's got
this whole second wedding planned
305
00:17:00,481 --> 00:17:02,440
when you get to England next month.
306
00:17:02,442 --> 00:17:05,481
A big church in Canterbury,
a nice Protestant ceremony,
307
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:06,882
big silly cake!
308
00:17:06,884 --> 00:17:09,403
- OK, then.
- Magnifique.
309
00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:10,804
Ready when you are.
310
00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:13,764
Do you, Henrietta Maria,
311
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:17,446
take a man who is not here
but somehow knows this man,
312
00:17:17,448 --> 00:17:20,727
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
313
00:17:20,729 --> 00:17:22,448
I do.
314
00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:24,689
And does King Charles I
315
00:17:24,691 --> 00:17:28,530
take this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife?
316
00:17:28,533 --> 00:17:30,332
Yeah, apparently he does.
317
00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:32,972
Then I now pronounce you friend of the husband
318
00:17:32,975 --> 00:17:34,974
and somebody else's wife.
319
00:17:34,975 --> 00:17:37,255
You may kiss the other fellow's bride.
320
00:17:38,737 --> 00:17:42,296
How dare you! I am the wife of King Charles I...
321
00:17:42,298 --> 00:17:44,777
I think... Sort of.
322
00:17:44,779 --> 00:17:47,859
I'm so sorry, I always cry at weddings.
323
00:17:50,542 --> 00:17:53,341
It's true, Charles I didn't want
324
00:17:53,343 --> 00:17:55,742
a Catholic wedding in a foreign country.
325
00:17:55,744 --> 00:17:58,423
So he got the Duc de Chevreuse
to stand in for him.
326
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:00,224
In fact, thanks to King Charles
327
00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,905
there were lots of crazy goings-
on in church in the Stuart era.
328
00:18:04,908 --> 00:18:07,227
Here endeth the lesson.
329
00:18:07,229 --> 00:18:08,348
ALL: Amen.
330
00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:10,788
Now, before we begin prayers today,
331
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:14,829
I have to inform you there's to
be a wee change to the proceedings.
332
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,631
"A wee change." I don't like the sound of that...
333
00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:20,112
Please, it's a decree from our King, Charles I,
334
00:18:20,114 --> 00:18:24,833
which demands we now use these
new Church of England prayer books.
335
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,795
So if we could just turn to page 109...
336
00:18:26,797 --> 00:18:28,476
What?
337
00:18:28,478 --> 00:18:32,357
We're Scottish. We don't need
some prayer book from England.
338
00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:35,678
We're happy with our own prayer
books, thank you very much.
339
00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:38,241
I know, but the King wants
all church services in Britain
340
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:40,281
- to be the same, so...
- We're Puritans,
341
00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:44,641
we like our services to be plain
and simple like our prayer books.
342
00:18:44,644 --> 00:18:47,843
Not all elaborate and
fancy like the English ones.
343
00:18:47,846 --> 00:18:50,165
Aye, who cares what the King says?
344
00:18:50,167 --> 00:18:51,286
MURMUR OF AGREEMENT
345
00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,206
I have to read from it, it's the law.
346
00:18:53,208 --> 00:18:55,367
I'll get into trouble if I don't.
347
00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:58,208
You're no' right, you. I'm no' happy.
348
00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:02,409
Please... Right, I knew there'd be trouble.
Good job I came prepared.
349
00:19:02,412 --> 00:19:03,891
Right...
350
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:07,171
Let's just be absolutely clear, shall we?
351
00:19:07,174 --> 00:19:09,773
Hands up who's happy to read from
352
00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:12,255
the new Church of England prayer book?
353
00:19:14,137 --> 00:19:16,616
I thought so.
354
00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:18,377
Our father...
355
00:19:18,378 --> 00:19:20,458
which art in heaven...
356
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,701
..hallowed be thy name.
357
00:19:37,346 --> 00:19:42,025
Welcome back to HHTV Sport, bringing
you exclusive live sporting events
358
00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:43,387
from the past.
359
00:19:43,389 --> 00:19:45,268
Today, we're at the Georgian Games.
360
00:19:45,269 --> 00:19:48,988
We can go ringside with John
and Steve for our big fight live.
361
00:19:48,991 --> 00:19:51,150
And what a spectacle we're in for.
362
00:19:51,152 --> 00:19:55,031
Good afternoon, there's a real sense
of excitement for today's big fight.
363
00:19:55,034 --> 00:19:58,473
There certainly is, John. These
players look very evenly matched.
364
00:19:58,475 --> 00:20:00,434
We could be in for a real corker.
365
00:20:00,436 --> 00:20:01,515
Seconds out...
366
00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:02,835
BELL RINGS ..round one.
367
00:20:02,837 --> 00:20:05,276
And they're straight in to the first pinch.
368
00:20:05,278 --> 00:20:07,997
Oh, it's a good strong
pinch to the upper arm there.
369
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,958
And he's showing no signs of pain whatsoever.
370
00:20:11,959 --> 00:20:14,601
That's what you've got to do
to win a Georgian pinching match.
371
00:20:14,602 --> 00:20:18,761
For those unfamiliar with the
game, could you remind us of the rules?
372
00:20:18,763 --> 00:20:22,322
The two competitors stand toe-
to-toe and simply take it in turns
373
00:20:22,325 --> 00:20:24,564
- to pinch each other.
- Right.
374
00:20:24,566 --> 00:20:26,925
They can't cry out. If they do, it's game over.
375
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,806
So if I was to do this...
376
00:20:28,808 --> 00:20:30,207
Ow!
377
00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:33,207
- ..I'd have won the game.
- Yeah, and if I were to do this... - Ahh!
378
00:20:33,209 --> 00:20:34,648
..I would have won the game.
379
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,170
Ow, seriously!
380
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:42,692
Aaaagh!
381
00:20:42,693 --> 00:20:45,132
Oh, it's all over, let's look at that final pinch
382
00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:47,133
once again, in slow motion.
383
00:20:47,135 --> 00:20:49,934
Yes, it's a clinical pinch to the ribs.
384
00:20:49,936 --> 00:20:52,975
- That looks like it hurt.
- Absolutely.
385
00:20:52,978 --> 00:20:56,537
So, let's see what's coming
up in these Georgian Games.
386
00:20:56,539 --> 00:21:00,018
4pm, we have the greased-goose grabbing final.
387
00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:03,339
And at 5pm, live and exclusive,
we have women fighting for money.
388
00:21:03,342 --> 00:21:05,221
And what about the football, John?
389
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,502
- No, football's rubbish.
- Well, I like it.
390
00:21:07,504 --> 00:21:09,023
It's a fad, Steve, it's a fad.
391
00:21:09,024 --> 00:21:11,583
I'm sure long after people
have gone off football,
392
00:21:11,585 --> 00:21:15,144
they'll still be into pinching
matches and greased-goose grabbing.
393
00:21:15,147 --> 00:21:16,826
Back to the studio.
394
00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:20,826
That's right, Georgians
used to enjoy watching people
395
00:21:20,829 --> 00:21:23,508
trying to grab a dead, greased goose.
396
00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:26,749
The winner was the one
who pulled its head off. Eugh!
397
00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:28,671
And if you think that's shocking,
398
00:21:28,672 --> 00:21:32,912
then you obviously haven't
heard about our Georgian army.
399
00:21:35,035 --> 00:21:37,434
Hello, sergeant, I'm your new recruit.
400
00:21:37,436 --> 00:21:40,875
Come to serve your country, have
you? That's very noble of you, sir.
401
00:21:40,877 --> 00:21:43,156
Have you signed your army contract, sir?
402
00:21:43,158 --> 00:21:44,557
Certainly have, there it is.
403
00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:46,638
Right, you horrible little man,
404
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,360
why aren't you in uniform?
You're a disgrace to the army.
405
00:21:49,361 --> 00:21:51,040
Here, put this jacket on.
406
00:21:51,042 --> 00:21:53,921
- It's not very camouflaged, is it?
- Of course it isn't.
407
00:21:53,923 --> 00:21:56,482
We want your mates to be able to see you easily
408
00:21:56,484 --> 00:21:59,323
and not shoot you when
you're on a smoky battlefield.
409
00:21:59,325 --> 00:22:02,404
Won't the enemy be able to
easily see me on the battlefield?
410
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,485
Of course they will,
411
00:22:03,487 --> 00:22:07,086
they'll be standing 50 yards away
in a straight line shooting at you.
412
00:22:07,088 --> 00:22:09,167
That's how Georgian armies fight.
413
00:22:09,169 --> 00:22:10,728
Left-right, left-right...
414
00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:13,569
Get your knees up, you horrible little man.
415
00:22:13,571 --> 00:22:15,490
The army thrives on discipline.
416
00:22:15,492 --> 00:22:18,851
You'll be practising drill
three hours a day, every day,
417
00:22:18,853 --> 00:22:20,572
and you will like it.
418
00:22:20,574 --> 00:22:22,093
Recruit...halt!
419
00:22:22,095 --> 00:22:23,894
HE PANTS
420
00:22:23,895 --> 00:22:25,174
You hungry, son?
421
00:22:25,176 --> 00:22:28,415
- Good, it's time for your rations.
- Oh, good.
422
00:22:28,417 --> 00:22:29,976
Eugh, it's covered in maggots.
423
00:22:29,978 --> 00:22:33,057
Oh, you'll get used to that.
I call that extra-meat rations.
424
00:22:33,059 --> 00:22:36,458
That's good old, honest
Georgian army food, that is.
425
00:22:36,461 --> 00:22:38,740
Right, time for rifle practice.
426
00:22:38,741 --> 00:22:42,540
I will now present you with your weapon.
It's called a Brown Bess.
427
00:22:42,543 --> 00:22:44,582
- Lovely, isn't she?
- Cool, may I?
428
00:22:44,584 --> 00:22:47,464
Yeah, just hold it up to your
shoulder and pull the trigger.
429
00:22:48,546 --> 00:22:51,105
Sorry about that, you're left handed, aren't you?
430
00:22:51,106 --> 00:22:53,467
You can only fire the Brown
Bess with your right hand,
431
00:22:53,468 --> 00:22:55,667
otherwise the flash goes off in your face.
432
00:22:55,668 --> 00:22:58,027
I don't want to be in the army anymore.
433
00:22:58,029 --> 00:22:59,868
Oh, it's too late for that, son.
434
00:22:59,870 --> 00:23:02,589
You're mine for the next ten years.
435
00:23:02,591 --> 00:23:04,430
Now, on the double, quick-march.
436
00:23:04,432 --> 00:23:06,311
Left-right, left-right...
437
00:23:06,313 --> 00:23:08,272
Oh, forgotten his rations.
438
00:23:08,274 --> 00:23:11,913
That's more for me. Oh,
look, there's a beetle there.
439
00:23:11,915 --> 00:23:16,115
Mmm, I like the crunchy shell.
Oh, that's lovely that.
440
00:23:20,479 --> 00:23:22,558
Ancient Egyptian Queen Cleopatra
441
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,039
went to a lot of trouble to look her best.
442
00:23:25,041 --> 00:23:26,720
Here's how she did it.
443
00:23:26,721 --> 00:23:30,880
Hi, girls, ever look
in the mirror and see this...
444
00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:33,362
when you were hoping to see this?
445
00:23:33,364 --> 00:23:35,364
Yeah, me too. That's why I follow...
446
00:23:37,326 --> 00:23:40,646
And now you can too. Just listen and learn.
447
00:23:41,928 --> 00:23:45,007
If you want your skin to
be nice and smooth like mine,
448
00:23:45,009 --> 00:23:47,089
why not bathe in asses' milk?
449
00:23:49,051 --> 00:23:52,611
Eugh! How long has that
been there? It really stinks.
450
00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:57,053
Enhance those eyes by
painting them with black lead.
451
00:23:59,695 --> 00:24:02,454
Hang on, isn't this like really poisonous?
452
00:24:02,456 --> 00:24:04,295
What are you trying to do to me?
453
00:24:04,297 --> 00:24:07,416
Looking better already? You bet I am.
454
00:24:07,418 --> 00:24:09,217
And this eye make-up repels flies.
455
00:24:09,219 --> 00:24:13,339
Well, I'm not surprised, it is poisonous.
456
00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:16,500
Bring a dash of colour to your cheeks
457
00:24:16,502 --> 00:24:18,421
with this red ochre made from clay.
458
00:24:18,423 --> 00:24:21,342
Clay? What, like they make pots out of?
459
00:24:21,344 --> 00:24:25,104
Actually, that does kind of work.
Amazing, isn't it?
460
00:24:26,546 --> 00:24:28,185
And now for the final touch.
461
00:24:28,187 --> 00:24:31,826
That beauty accessory that no
female Pharaoh is complete without -
462
00:24:31,828 --> 00:24:33,188
a beard.
463
00:24:39,231 --> 00:24:41,390
It's not funny, it just tickles.
464
00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:44,991
It's all true. 100% accu-rat.
465
00:24:44,994 --> 00:24:46,953
Pharaohs were supposed to be men,
466
00:24:46,955 --> 00:24:49,034
so Cleopatra had to wear a false beard
467
00:24:49,036 --> 00:24:50,755
whenever she did a sacred task,
468
00:24:50,756 --> 00:24:53,235
like pray for the sun to come up every morning.
469
00:24:53,237 --> 00:24:56,396
Personally, I like girls
with a bit of facial hair.
470
00:24:56,399 --> 00:24:59,519
But then, I would, wouldn't I? I am a rat.
471
00:25:15,727 --> 00:25:19,246
The answer is...all three were used in medicines
472
00:25:19,248 --> 00:25:21,488
by ancient Eqyptian doctors.
473
00:25:32,694 --> 00:25:35,573
Oh, it's really sore.
474
00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:37,895
Try not to touch it, the
doctor will be round soon.
475
00:25:37,896 --> 00:25:40,255
Good. What are the doctors like round here?
476
00:25:40,257 --> 00:25:43,816
Yeah, they're very professional and...
477
00:25:43,818 --> 00:25:47,497
OK, for some reason we don't understand,
478
00:25:47,500 --> 00:25:51,259
they all seem to be from
different historical periods
479
00:25:51,261 --> 00:25:53,380
and their methods are quite frankly...mad.
480
00:25:53,382 --> 00:25:56,821
Good morning, Mrs Carter, I'm Dr Jenkins.
481
00:25:56,824 --> 00:25:59,783
You're in luck, he's one of our modern doctors.
482
00:25:59,785 --> 00:26:01,064
Oh, thank goodness.
483
00:26:01,065 --> 00:26:04,304
- So what seems to be the...?
- So sorry I'm late.
484
00:26:04,307 --> 00:26:06,666
My name's Dr Isis and I'm from ancient Egypt.
485
00:26:06,668 --> 00:26:08,467
- I'll take it from here.
- Of course.
486
00:26:08,468 --> 00:26:11,467
No, don't go. You know what they're like.
487
00:26:11,470 --> 00:26:14,629
He'll do a load of weird
stuff to her and she'll probably
488
00:26:14,631 --> 00:26:16,110
end up dying or something.
489
00:26:16,112 --> 00:26:19,831
Nonsense, I've had all the latest
ancient Egyptian medical training.
490
00:26:19,833 --> 00:26:23,352
Now, that is a nasty gash above the right eye.
491
00:26:23,355 --> 00:26:25,674
I'd be tempted to rub some honey into that.
492
00:26:25,676 --> 00:26:28,875
- See?
- Honey is actually a rather good antiseptic.
493
00:26:28,877 --> 00:26:31,157
Ideal for treating a wound such as that.
494
00:26:32,078 --> 00:26:34,757
Oh, well, what about the pain?
495
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:37,958
Well, I've got some dried leaves
from a myrtle bush here in my bag.
496
00:26:37,961 --> 00:26:40,360
I'd probably feed the patient a few of those.
497
00:26:40,362 --> 00:26:42,201
He wants her to eat leaves?
498
00:26:42,202 --> 00:26:45,321
Yes, but myrtle leaves are
very rich in salicylic acid.
499
00:26:45,324 --> 00:26:47,523
It's a basic form of things like aspirin,
500
00:26:47,525 --> 00:26:50,004
So ideal for treating mild pain.
501
00:26:50,006 --> 00:26:51,805
Actually, I feel quite sick now.
502
00:26:51,806 --> 00:26:56,045
I've got just the thing for that.
A lovely bit of limestone. Mmm.
503
00:26:56,048 --> 00:26:57,527
He wants her to eat a rock.
504
00:26:57,529 --> 00:26:59,528
Yes, limestone is calcium carbonate.
505
00:26:59,530 --> 00:27:03,049
Powdered up, it's the same as we
use to treat stomach complaints today.
506
00:27:03,051 --> 00:27:06,090
I'd say that Dr Isis actually
has some very good treatments.
507
00:27:06,092 --> 00:27:07,371
What?
508
00:27:07,373 --> 00:27:10,932
Looks like there could be a little
infection there, what do you think?
509
00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:13,333
Yes, that could lead to blindness.
510
00:27:13,335 --> 00:27:16,094
Which I would treat by mashing up a pig's eye
511
00:27:16,097 --> 00:27:19,776
with a little bit of honey
and a little bit of red powder
512
00:27:19,778 --> 00:27:22,578
and then pouring the mixture
into the patient's ear.
513
00:27:23,660 --> 00:27:25,739
Yeah, he's mad. Get him.
514
00:27:25,741 --> 00:27:29,220
No! How dare you, I'm not mad.
515
00:27:29,222 --> 00:27:31,182
Aaaagh, mummy!
516
00:27:37,782 --> 00:27:40,301
Want to travel through the time sewers with me?
517
00:27:40,302 --> 00:27:43,501
Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.
518
00:27:43,502 --> 00:27:47,382
Go to the CBBC website and
click on Horrible Histories.
519
00:27:47,432 --> 00:27:51,982
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