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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:10,578 # Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:10,579 --> 00:00:13,018 # Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:13,019 --> 00:00:16,258 # Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptian 4 00:00:16,259 --> 00:00:18,698 # Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:18,699 --> 00:00:21,458 # Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:21,459 --> 00:00:24,458 # Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:29,098 # Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:29,099 --> 00:00:33,498 # The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:37,899 # Horrible Histories. # 10 00:00:42,179 --> 00:00:45,018 Our King George III was a bit loopy 11 00:00:45,019 --> 00:00:49,139 but not nearly as loopy as the doctors who tried to treat him. 12 00:00:50,179 --> 00:00:52,378 The royal doctor, Your Majesty. 13 00:00:52,379 --> 00:00:54,458 Doctor? I don't need a doctor. 14 00:00:54,459 --> 00:00:58,338 I was telling the Prussian Ambassador here... 15 00:00:58,339 --> 00:01:00,338 That is a pot plant, Your Majesty. 16 00:01:00,339 --> 00:01:02,339 Oh, yes, so it is. 17 00:01:03,379 --> 00:01:06,258 Well, as I was telling this pot plant here 18 00:01:06,259 --> 00:01:09,258 I feel as fit as a pig in Sweden. Och! 19 00:01:09,259 --> 00:01:11,139 Seize the patient! 20 00:01:12,179 --> 00:01:13,818 Huh! What are you doing? 21 00:01:13,819 --> 00:01:15,618 Unhand me, you knaves! 22 00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:18,098 I'm afraid His Majesty is quite mad. 23 00:01:18,099 --> 00:01:21,018 Mad? I'm absolutely furious! 24 00:01:21,019 --> 00:01:24,738 Please. His Majesty must see that he's not well. 25 00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:27,738 I suppose I have been a bit off colour. 26 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,658 As has his wee-wee. 27 00:01:29,659 --> 00:01:31,578 Bright purple. 28 00:01:31,579 --> 00:01:32,818 Yes, thank you. 29 00:01:32,819 --> 00:01:35,418 I think we'll leave the diagnosis and treatment 30 00:01:35,419 --> 00:01:38,058 to those of us trained in the medical profession. 31 00:01:38,059 --> 00:01:40,858 Only science can provide the solution. 32 00:01:40,859 --> 00:01:43,658 Science and mustard. 33 00:01:43,659 --> 00:01:45,138 Mustard? 34 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,619 What a good idea. 35 00:01:49,379 --> 00:01:51,178 I'm a sausage! 36 00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:53,018 Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle! 37 00:01:53,019 --> 00:01:56,178 That's not working. We'll try another Georgian cure. 38 00:01:56,179 --> 00:02:00,258 - Splendid. What's that? - I'm not going to blind you with science, 39 00:02:00,259 --> 00:02:03,338 just assault you with this red hot poker. 40 00:02:03,339 --> 00:02:05,978 It's quite simple, really. 41 00:02:05,979 --> 00:02:09,898 We just wait for a blister to appear and then, pop! 42 00:02:09,899 --> 00:02:13,658 - Is this really supposed to cure him? - Yes, that and shouting at him. 43 00:02:13,659 --> 00:02:15,658 Stop being mad! 44 00:02:15,659 --> 00:02:17,458 Get better! 45 00:02:17,459 --> 00:02:20,058 We Georgian doctors have made great strides 46 00:02:20,059 --> 00:02:23,178 in the treatment of this affliction. Get better! 47 00:02:23,179 --> 00:02:26,258 - Shouldn't you be giving him some medicine? - I already have. 48 00:02:26,259 --> 00:02:28,698 He's on a spoonful of arsenic twice a day. 49 00:02:28,699 --> 00:02:31,938 - Arsenic?! - Yes, mixed in with some other stuff. 50 00:02:31,939 --> 00:02:35,538 But arsenic's poisonous, you're going to make him worse. 51 00:02:35,539 --> 00:02:40,698 Worse? Are you trying to tell me that I, the King's physician, 52 00:02:40,699 --> 00:02:43,498 am making the King worse? 53 00:02:43,499 --> 00:02:46,338 - Are you insane? - Insane? 54 00:02:46,339 --> 00:02:50,938 Because if you are insane, I shall have to treat you too. 55 00:02:50,939 --> 00:02:54,378 Why don't I help you treat him? 56 00:02:54,379 --> 00:02:56,618 Yes, you! 57 00:02:56,619 --> 00:02:57,818 Aaah! 58 00:02:57,819 --> 00:03:00,458 - Stop being mad! - Get better! 59 00:03:00,459 --> 00:03:03,738 - Grow up! - Don't act weird all the time! 60 00:03:03,739 --> 00:03:05,179 Just stop it! 61 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,698 George III really did have purple wee. 62 00:03:08,699 --> 00:03:11,538 It was probably caused by one of his doctor's cures. 63 00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:13,898 You could win Britain's Got Talent with that. 64 00:03:13,899 --> 00:03:17,898 Tonight, Simon, I'm going to fill this bucket with purple wee! 65 00:03:17,899 --> 00:03:20,418 Oh, poor old George III. 66 00:03:20,419 --> 00:03:23,899 He really was one sandwich short of a picnic. 67 00:03:28,459 --> 00:03:31,458 Lay the table. It's Ready, Steady, Feast. 68 00:03:31,459 --> 00:03:36,219 Joining us in the kitchen this week is His Majesty, King George III. 69 00:03:38,699 --> 00:03:41,378 - Oh! - Have you seen the royal doctors? 70 00:03:41,379 --> 00:03:43,578 - No. - Thank heavens. 71 00:03:43,579 --> 00:03:46,578 For some reason, they think I'm not totally sane. 72 00:03:46,579 --> 00:03:48,858 Cluck-cluck-cluck. Chickaboo! 73 00:03:48,859 --> 00:03:50,858 I know, it's absurd, isn't it? 74 00:03:50,859 --> 00:03:54,218 - Still, they can't stop me gardening. - Cooking. 75 00:03:54,219 --> 00:03:56,858 Isn't it? Must be these lights. 76 00:03:56,859 --> 00:04:00,098 What have you brought for us today from your royal kitchen? 77 00:04:00,099 --> 00:04:03,498 - Today I brought a lovely bit of beef. - Oh, nice. 78 00:04:03,499 --> 00:04:05,178 How will you cook it? 79 00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:09,098 Cook it? I'm not going to cook it, I'm going to plant it. 80 00:04:09,099 --> 00:04:11,618 You're going to plant a piece of beef? 81 00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,298 I can't think why nobody's thought of it before. 82 00:04:14,299 --> 00:04:18,098 You get yourselves a bit of soil. There we are. 83 00:04:18,099 --> 00:04:19,738 Dig a hole. 84 00:04:19,739 --> 00:04:25,538 Pop the beef in and in six months' time you could have a beef tree. 85 00:04:25,539 --> 00:04:30,418 Or more likely, a lot of dogs digging up your garden. 86 00:04:30,419 --> 00:04:32,538 Grub's up! 87 00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:35,019 - There he is. - It's the royal doctors! 88 00:04:38,299 --> 00:04:41,698 - Well... - How's the beef tree coming along? 89 00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:43,658 Come here, Sire. 90 00:04:43,659 --> 00:04:48,019 It's a good job I brought a sandwich. 91 00:04:49,139 --> 00:04:50,819 Grub's up! 92 00:04:56,019 --> 00:05:00,178 Yo! My name's Elagabalus and I'm the Emperor of Rome, 93 00:05:00,179 --> 00:05:03,338 even though I'm only a teenager which is well wicked. 94 00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:06,258 To make myself more popular with the people of Rome 95 00:05:06,259 --> 00:05:10,218 I've invented my own lottery, Romo Lottery Millions! 96 00:05:10,219 --> 00:05:13,698 Play my game and you could be well minted like I am, 97 00:05:13,699 --> 00:05:15,058 but not as much as me. 98 00:05:15,059 --> 00:05:18,418 Come to my Roman arena, grab yourself a ticket 99 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,698 and see what you've won! 100 00:05:20,699 --> 00:05:23,858 I don't believe it! I've won a slave. 101 00:05:23,859 --> 00:05:26,978 That's nothing. I've just won a new house. 102 00:05:26,979 --> 00:05:29,018 - Yes! - Brilliant! 103 00:05:29,019 --> 00:05:33,378 Thing is, doing all this good stuff can get really boring. 104 00:05:33,379 --> 00:05:36,498 So I've decided to spice things up a bit 105 00:05:36,499 --> 00:05:39,578 and now not all my prizes are quite so nice. 106 00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:42,299 Wait up, I've won something as well. 107 00:05:43,419 --> 00:05:45,179 Agh! It's a dead dog! 108 00:05:46,659 --> 00:05:50,778 Ha-ha! My practical jokes are well grimy. 109 00:05:50,779 --> 00:05:53,138 A dead dog! That's so mingin'. 110 00:05:53,139 --> 00:05:54,899 I wonder what I've won. 111 00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,658 Oh! It's bees! It's bees! 112 00:05:57,659 --> 00:05:59,699 Ha-ha! 113 00:06:00,739 --> 00:06:04,058 A box full of bees! He's well stung, man. 114 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,338 Romo Lottery Millions is prank-tastic. 115 00:06:07,339 --> 00:06:09,778 I've even made the ticket bit more exciting. 116 00:06:09,779 --> 00:06:13,618 I fire them from catapults and the crowd have to scramble to get them. 117 00:06:13,619 --> 00:06:16,739 Only, sometimes I put some poisonous snakes in as well. 118 00:06:18,139 --> 00:06:19,458 Ha-ha-ha! 119 00:06:19,459 --> 00:06:21,738 Look at them! 120 00:06:21,739 --> 00:06:25,098 Yeah. Play my prank-tastic Romo Lottery Millions. 121 00:06:25,099 --> 00:06:26,858 It's well random, dog! 122 00:06:26,859 --> 00:06:29,578 Warning: Being bitten to death by poisonous snakes 123 00:06:29,579 --> 00:06:32,178 or being trampled to death may result in death. 124 00:06:32,179 --> 00:06:33,459 Most def. 125 00:06:34,499 --> 00:06:37,138 Not everyone liked Elagabalus's sense of humour. 126 00:06:37,139 --> 00:06:40,818 Like many emperors, he ended up being murdered in Rome. 127 00:06:40,819 --> 00:06:45,138 To avoid the same fate, Emperor Tiberius moved to Capri 128 00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,819 but he still lived in fear of assassination. 129 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,698 Emperor Tiberius of Rome. 130 00:06:51,699 --> 00:06:55,539 I have received word from the gate there is a man here to see you. 131 00:06:59,099 --> 00:07:00,979 Emperor Tiberius? 132 00:07:02,499 --> 00:07:06,618 - Is he an assassin? - No. - Are you sure he won't kill me? 133 00:07:06,619 --> 00:07:09,458 The only reason I came to the island of Capri 134 00:07:09,459 --> 00:07:11,378 was to get away from the assassins. 135 00:07:11,379 --> 00:07:14,258 He's not here to kill you. He's here to welcome you. 136 00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,778 He's got you a nice present and everything. 137 00:07:16,779 --> 00:07:18,818 OK, show him in. 138 00:07:18,819 --> 00:07:21,139 FANFARE 139 00:07:22,099 --> 00:07:25,939 Oh, great Emperor Tiberius. I have brought you a gift. 140 00:07:27,099 --> 00:07:28,578 It is this fish. 141 00:07:28,579 --> 00:07:29,818 HE SCREAMS 142 00:07:29,819 --> 00:07:34,618 Guards! Guards! This man is going to try and kill me with this fish! 143 00:07:34,619 --> 00:07:36,458 - What? - Did he say fish? 144 00:07:36,459 --> 00:07:38,618 He's just being paranoid again. 145 00:07:38,619 --> 00:07:41,298 He'll use the fish to open my guts and cut off my head 146 00:07:41,299 --> 00:07:44,018 and then he's going to shove my guts down my neck 147 00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:46,778 and use my head to play keepie-uppie. 148 00:07:46,779 --> 00:07:49,018 Then he's going to throw me into the sea. 149 00:07:49,019 --> 00:07:53,138 - Seize him! - What? I wasn't. This is just a dead fish! 150 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,618 It's a gift. 151 00:07:54,619 --> 00:07:56,938 Take the fish and rub it on his face. 152 00:07:56,939 --> 00:07:58,578 - What? - Yes, Emperor. 153 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,019 Sorry about this, mate. 154 00:08:01,379 --> 00:08:04,298 See? The scales are taking his face off. 155 00:08:04,299 --> 00:08:06,578 I told you it was a dangerous fish. 156 00:08:06,579 --> 00:08:08,338 Make him kiss it. 157 00:08:08,339 --> 00:08:10,458 Here, kiss it. 158 00:08:10,459 --> 00:08:12,259 - Hit him with it. - Seriously... 159 00:08:13,739 --> 00:08:16,099 That teach you, won't it? 160 00:08:18,339 --> 00:08:22,618 I tell you what, it's a good job I didn't bring in the massive crab. 161 00:08:22,619 --> 00:08:24,578 - Don't say that... - What? 162 00:08:24,579 --> 00:08:26,498 Bring me this massive crab. 163 00:08:26,499 --> 00:08:29,018 I didn't mean it... It's just a joke. 164 00:08:29,019 --> 00:08:32,458 Pinch his nose with it. Ooh, yes! 165 00:08:32,459 --> 00:08:34,978 How do you like them eggs? 166 00:08:34,979 --> 00:08:37,698 That teach you to be a nasty assassin. 167 00:08:37,699 --> 00:08:39,819 I should have just brought flowers. 168 00:08:42,099 --> 00:08:43,658 Mister bad man! 169 00:08:43,659 --> 00:08:45,938 Well done, guys. 170 00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:50,978 That's true. Paranoid Tiberius did rub that man's face with a fish. 171 00:08:50,979 --> 00:08:54,098 He wasn't the only scaredy cat emperor. 172 00:08:54,099 --> 00:08:57,458 Domitian had the walls of his palace polished like mirrors 173 00:08:57,459 --> 00:09:00,058 so he could see people sneaking up on him. 174 00:09:00,059 --> 00:09:02,778 I'm no scaredy cat, though. I'm petrifiedy of them! 175 00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:03,829 MIAOW 176 00:09:16,179 --> 00:09:19,498 Hello and welcome to the Saxon Weather Forecast 177 00:09:19,499 --> 00:09:22,658 where we use the most reliable Saxon superstitions 178 00:09:22,659 --> 00:09:24,298 to predict the weather. 179 00:09:24,299 --> 00:09:28,578 Off the coast of Wales, dolphins have been spotted leaping out of the water 180 00:09:28,579 --> 00:09:31,818 which of course means gale force winds are to follow. 181 00:09:31,819 --> 00:09:35,658 Good news up in Scotland where we've seen some red sky at night. 182 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,578 Expect calm weather there. 183 00:09:37,579 --> 00:09:41,378 That's assuming the red sky wasn't a monastery on fire 184 00:09:41,379 --> 00:09:43,178 after a Viking raid. 185 00:09:43,179 --> 00:09:46,618 Over in Kent, some splashes from oars have been spotted 186 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:48,578 glittering on a night voyage. 187 00:09:48,579 --> 00:09:51,978 That can only mean one thing - there's a storm brewing. 188 00:09:51,979 --> 00:09:54,818 Don't forget on Sunday there was a thunderstorm. 189 00:09:54,819 --> 00:09:57,338 Bad news for any monks or nuns watching 190 00:09:57,339 --> 00:09:59,818 as that means some of you are going to die. 191 00:09:59,819 --> 00:10:02,378 On Wednesday there's also going to be thunder 192 00:10:02,379 --> 00:10:06,538 which is unfortunate for lazy women as it means they'll die too. 193 00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:09,778 That's about all we've got time for so have a nice week, 194 00:10:09,779 --> 00:10:14,619 unless you're a nun and you're lazy, in which case you're totally stuffed! 195 00:10:17,019 --> 00:10:19,418 We Saxons really believed all that. 196 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,618 What a superstitious bunch, eh! 197 00:10:21,619 --> 00:10:23,738 We were terrified of ghosts 198 00:10:23,739 --> 00:10:27,619 and we had some funny ideas about how to keep them at bay. 199 00:10:29,899 --> 00:10:32,378 - Hello, darling. - Hello. 200 00:10:32,379 --> 00:10:35,418 Well, we don't have to worry about ghosts any more. 201 00:10:35,419 --> 00:10:38,139 I wasn't worried about ghosts. 202 00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:44,138 - What have you done? - Burnt all our crops, every last field. 203 00:10:44,139 --> 00:10:47,018 Apparently it's the new Saxon way to keep ghosts at bay. 204 00:10:47,019 --> 00:10:48,459 No more ghosts for us. 205 00:10:49,459 --> 00:10:51,659 And no more food. 206 00:10:53,059 --> 00:10:54,658 Oh, yeah. 207 00:10:54,659 --> 00:10:58,618 I haven't really thought this through, have I? 208 00:10:58,619 --> 00:11:02,538 At least when I die of starvation I won't haunt anyone. 209 00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:04,898 You won't die of starvation, my love. 210 00:11:04,899 --> 00:11:09,458 - Because I'm going to kill you first, you idiot! - That hurts! 211 00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:11,299 - Take that! - All right, I'm sorry! 212 00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:22,658 Yes, when crops failed Saxons filled out their flour with tree bark, 213 00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:26,618 wild grass and even stinging nettles. 214 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:27,859 Ouch! 215 00:11:29,059 --> 00:11:30,339 Ouch! 216 00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,818 What's in the stew? 217 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:38,019 Erm... It's a family recipe. 218 00:11:39,979 --> 00:11:41,579 Where's Granny gone? 219 00:11:46,379 --> 00:11:52,138 For fewer mouths to feed, sell any children under the age of seven. 220 00:11:52,139 --> 00:11:54,098 - Sell him! - Sell her! 221 00:11:54,099 --> 00:11:55,858 No, sell him! 222 00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:57,699 Can you take them both? 223 00:12:04,579 --> 00:12:06,218 Are you serious? 224 00:12:06,219 --> 00:12:08,578 'That's what 40 villagers did in Sussex.' 225 00:12:08,579 --> 00:12:11,138 That's a bit drastic. Any other suggestions? 226 00:12:11,139 --> 00:12:13,178 'You're right, a terrible idea. 227 00:12:13,179 --> 00:12:17,138 'How about number five? Become the lord of the manor's slave 228 00:12:17,139 --> 00:12:18,898 'so he has to feed you.' 229 00:12:18,899 --> 00:12:20,658 Oh, that sounds better. 230 00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:24,378 Oh, Lord, I have pledged to be your slave and will do anything you ask. 231 00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:26,298 Brilliant! First job then, 232 00:12:26,299 --> 00:12:30,579 clean up my bunions and we'll eat. 233 00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:35,019 Actually, I think I've lost my appetite. 234 00:12:40,299 --> 00:12:44,458 Howdy, partner! American history is pretty horrible too. 235 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:47,418 We had our fair share of fights and battles 236 00:12:47,419 --> 00:12:51,339 and our fair share of (LAUGHS) stupid deaths. 237 00:12:54,219 --> 00:12:56,578 # Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 238 00:12:56,579 --> 00:12:58,738 # They're funny cos they're true 239 00:12:58,739 --> 00:13:01,498 # Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 240 00:13:01,499 --> 00:13:03,219 # Hope next time it's not you! # 241 00:13:05,019 --> 00:13:07,698 We could have dinner. He won't mind. 242 00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:10,138 Next! And you are? 243 00:13:10,139 --> 00:13:14,058 My name's Clement Vallandingham, Your Honour, I'm a criminal lawyer. 244 00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:17,298 Come on, then, entertain us with your death. 245 00:13:17,299 --> 00:13:19,898 The stupider, the better. 246 00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:23,498 Well, sir, I was an expert in criminal law 247 00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:25,978 and one day I was defending a man 248 00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:28,818 who was accused of shooting someone dead. 249 00:13:28,819 --> 00:13:31,458 Yes, very interesting. (Not!) 250 00:13:31,459 --> 00:13:35,738 I wanted to prove that the dead man had accidentally shot himself. 251 00:13:35,739 --> 00:13:38,618 I was demonstrating this to my legal team. 252 00:13:38,619 --> 00:13:40,779 I drew out my pistol... 253 00:13:41,819 --> 00:13:44,498 ..fell to my knees. 254 00:13:44,499 --> 00:13:48,459 - Your Honour, I did not realise my pistol was loaded. - Go on. 255 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:54,858 - Please, don't make me say this. - Oh, we're all ears now. 256 00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:58,498 - I accidentally shot myself, OK?! - HE LAUGHS 257 00:13:58,499 --> 00:14:00,338 Sorry, sorry! 258 00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:03,138 Sorry, that's not funny, it's very serious. 259 00:14:03,139 --> 00:14:05,058 Yes, it is funny! 260 00:14:05,059 --> 00:14:06,979 Nincompoop! 261 00:14:08,299 --> 00:14:12,178 I shall just, um, consult with the judges on that. 262 00:14:12,179 --> 00:14:14,179 HE LAUGHS I know, I know! 263 00:14:15,979 --> 00:14:18,978 Oh, come on, Louis. Get a sense of humour! 264 00:14:18,979 --> 00:14:22,098 Two yeses. You're through to the Afterlife. Well done. 265 00:14:22,099 --> 00:14:24,258 Thank you very much, Your Honour. Ma'am. 266 00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:26,578 Off you shoot. HE LAUGHS 267 00:14:26,579 --> 00:14:29,178 Off you shoot! Did you hear...? 268 00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:31,779 I know, I'm wicked. I really am! 269 00:14:34,059 --> 00:14:38,059 # Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # 270 00:14:39,619 --> 00:14:41,898 Clement Vallandigham's accident there 271 00:14:41,899 --> 00:14:43,738 did prove his client to be innocent 272 00:14:43,739 --> 00:14:46,338 and Clement to be very, very stupid. 273 00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:48,378 It was a pretty tragic thing to happen, 274 00:14:48,379 --> 00:14:51,139 but not half as tragic as this. 275 00:14:54,859 --> 00:14:57,698 During one battle of the American Civil War, 276 00:14:57,699 --> 00:15:00,298 the Yankee soldiers were having a real problem 277 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,098 getting past the rebel Confederate troops. 278 00:15:03,099 --> 00:15:06,458 But then, one general had a brilliant idea. 279 00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:08,858 Why not go under them? 280 00:15:08,859 --> 00:15:12,098 The Yankees had hundreds of coalminers fighting for them. 281 00:15:12,099 --> 00:15:14,858 So they just dug a tunnel right under the rebels. 282 00:15:14,859 --> 00:15:17,018 They packed it full of gunpowder, 283 00:15:17,019 --> 00:15:19,578 lit the fuse and blew up their enemy. 284 00:15:19,579 --> 00:15:22,538 The plan had worked perfectly. 285 00:15:22,539 --> 00:15:25,738 The Yankee troops rushed forward to capture the bomb crater. 286 00:15:25,739 --> 00:15:30,378 But there was one small problem. They couldn't get out again. 287 00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:34,378 The Confederate survivors shot them all, like fish in a barrel. 288 00:15:34,379 --> 00:15:36,858 The enemy lost 1,500 men, 289 00:15:36,859 --> 00:15:39,499 but the Yankees lost twice as many. 290 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:50,218 One of the most famous and frightening pirates of all time 291 00:15:50,219 --> 00:15:52,058 was known as Blackbeard. 292 00:15:52,059 --> 00:15:54,259 Oh, no! Here he comes now! 293 00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:03,698 # When I was a nipper I boarded a clipper 294 00:16:03,699 --> 00:16:06,658 # Sailed the seas as a goods importer Oh 295 00:16:06,659 --> 00:16:09,578 # Edward Teach is my name But I earnt my fame 296 00:16:09,579 --> 00:16:12,618 # As Blackbeard the pirate of the water, oh 297 00:16:12,619 --> 00:16:15,378 # What a jolly chap With a jaunty cap 298 00:16:15,379 --> 00:16:18,578 # Always gave my crew good quarter Oh 299 00:16:18,579 --> 00:16:21,178 # But I'm best known for blood and guts and gore 300 00:16:21,179 --> 00:16:24,298 # And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh 301 00:16:24,299 --> 00:16:26,898 # Best known for blood and guts and gore 302 00:16:26,899 --> 00:16:30,538 # And a vicious reign of murdering and slaughter, oh 303 00:16:30,539 --> 00:16:33,338 # Left my home in Bristol with a sword and pistol 304 00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:36,338 # Bid a fond farewell to Old Blighty Oh 305 00:16:36,339 --> 00:16:39,258 # What my enemies feared was my thick black beard 306 00:16:39,259 --> 00:16:42,458 # Which I always enjoyed setting light to, oh 307 00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:44,898 # Once I had a thing for a captive's lovely ring 308 00:16:44,899 --> 00:16:48,058 # That shone like a jewel in the nightie, oh 309 00:16:48,059 --> 00:16:50,978 # When the man said no I just said, oh 310 00:16:50,979 --> 00:16:54,138 # And chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh 311 00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:57,098 # Man said no, he said, oh 312 00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,019 # Chopped off his hand and said, righty-oh 313 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:05,178 # Oh, I loved to sail the ocean 314 00:17:05,179 --> 00:17:08,138 # With my flag that inspired emotion 315 00:17:08,139 --> 00:17:11,578 # With its smiling pile of skull and bones 316 00:17:11,579 --> 00:17:13,858 # Smashing hearts with a violent stabbing motion 317 00:17:13,859 --> 00:17:16,938 # And I loved to escape detection 318 00:17:16,939 --> 00:17:20,058 # And to win my crew's affection 319 00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:23,338 # Which was nothing to do with the 12 guns he wore 320 00:17:23,339 --> 00:17:26,618 # On his belt that were for protection 321 00:17:26,619 --> 00:17:29,338 # I was awfully nice But I had the odd vice 322 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:32,338 # Which occasionally caused a commotion 323 00:17:32,339 --> 00:17:35,698 # The thing that I'd do was shoot members of my crew 324 00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:38,498 # If they didn't show enough devotion 325 00:17:38,499 --> 00:17:41,178 # The thing he'd do was shoot members of the crew 326 00:17:41,179 --> 00:17:44,578 # If they didn't show enough devotion 327 00:17:44,579 --> 00:17:47,338 # Once when very irate I shot my first mate 328 00:17:47,339 --> 00:17:50,458 # Israel Hands for a bit of pleasure, oh 329 00:17:50,459 --> 00:17:53,298 # And when my debts grew killed half of my crew 330 00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:56,058 # To increase my share of the treasure, oh 331 00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:59,058 # Was doing well then seemed to run out of men 332 00:17:59,059 --> 00:18:02,658 # My captors boarded at their leisure, oh 333 00:18:02,659 --> 00:18:04,938 # Smote me dead then cut off my head 334 00:18:04,939 --> 00:18:08,298 # And displayed it on my mast for good measure, oh 335 00:18:08,299 --> 00:18:10,818 # Smote him dead chopped off his head 336 00:18:10,819 --> 00:18:15,219 # Displayed it on the mast for good measure. Oh. # 337 00:18:49,539 --> 00:18:53,018 - Do you suffer from headaches? - Oh! 338 00:18:53,019 --> 00:18:55,298 Do you suffer from headaches? 339 00:18:55,299 --> 00:18:57,338 Tense, nervous headaches? 340 00:18:57,339 --> 00:19:00,378 Pain behind the eyes that you just can't shift? 341 00:19:00,379 --> 00:19:02,218 Then you need Trepanadol. 342 00:19:02,219 --> 00:19:04,738 It is our unique starter pack. 343 00:19:04,739 --> 00:19:07,858 It's got everything you need. A sharp stone. 344 00:19:07,859 --> 00:19:11,018 - Sharp stone. - And a blunt stone. - Blunt stone. 345 00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:13,618 Now, concentrate. Here comes the sciencey bit. 346 00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:17,258 At the first sign of a headache, get an unqualified colleague 347 00:19:17,259 --> 00:19:19,178 to knock a small hole into your skull 348 00:19:19,179 --> 00:19:22,578 using the sharp stone as a chisel and the blunt stone as a hammer. 349 00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:25,218 Hammer! Hammer! 350 00:19:25,219 --> 00:19:28,498 By knocking a hole in your skull, 351 00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:30,738 you'll let out the devils inside your head 352 00:19:30,739 --> 00:19:33,059 and it'll be bye-bye, headache. 353 00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:39,658 Trepanning is quite likely to result in death. 354 00:19:39,659 --> 00:19:43,298 Headache gone now! Ha-ha-ha! 355 00:19:43,299 --> 00:19:45,058 THUD! 356 00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:48,458 Warning! Do not try trepanning at home. 357 00:19:48,459 --> 00:19:51,538 There is evidence that lots of Stone Age people survived it. 358 00:19:51,539 --> 00:19:53,378 Yeah! Believe it or not. 359 00:19:53,379 --> 00:19:55,738 But that doesn't mean you should give it a go. 360 00:19:55,739 --> 00:19:59,859 Otherwise, you might need a Stone Age burial. 361 00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:03,459 APPLAUSE 362 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:10,378 Hello, and welcome once again to Stone Age Family Fortunes! 363 00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:12,059 Let's meet the teams. 364 00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:17,578 Joining us all the way from Stone Age Britain, it's the Ugg family. 365 00:20:17,579 --> 00:20:20,498 And playing against them this evening, 366 00:20:20,499 --> 00:20:23,618 from Stone Age Chile, it's the Ugio family. 367 00:20:23,619 --> 00:20:27,098 You're very welcome. Hello, there. Are they, are they OK? 368 00:20:27,099 --> 00:20:30,578 Granny and Gramps? They're having a great time, you know. 369 00:20:30,579 --> 00:20:33,098 We are from the world-famous Chinchiro tribe. 370 00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:35,298 We like to mummify our loved ones 371 00:20:35,299 --> 00:20:37,458 and bring them out on special occasions. 372 00:20:37,459 --> 00:20:39,458 That's how we roll, homes! 373 00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:42,258 Well, very best of luck tonight. 374 00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:44,658 Oh, no! That's happened. 375 00:20:44,659 --> 00:20:46,698 APPLAUSE 376 00:20:46,699 --> 00:20:51,539 Captains, will you please join me at the Plinth of Dreams? 377 00:20:54,499 --> 00:20:57,738 We asked 100 Stone Age people to name 378 00:20:57,739 --> 00:21:00,738 something you might bury with a member of the family. 379 00:21:00,739 --> 00:21:02,578 - BUZZ! - Ugio. 380 00:21:02,579 --> 00:21:04,818 - Can I confer? - Of course. 381 00:21:04,819 --> 00:21:09,498 What do you think? Don't look at me like that, you're freaking me out. 382 00:21:09,499 --> 00:21:12,938 We would not bury them because we find that disrespectful. 383 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,698 So we would cut off their arms, their head, their legs, 384 00:21:15,699 --> 00:21:18,138 rip out their insides, stuff them with mud, 385 00:21:18,139 --> 00:21:20,218 put them back together and paint them. 386 00:21:20,219 --> 00:21:23,458 That way, they will know how much we love them. 387 00:21:23,459 --> 00:21:26,018 That's not the answer I have on the card here. 388 00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:31,458 Bearing in mind, Ugio, we did ask 100 European Stone Age people. 389 00:21:31,459 --> 00:21:35,058 So, Ugg, something you might bury with a member of the family. 390 00:21:35,059 --> 00:21:39,418 - Flowers. - You said flowers. Our survey said... 391 00:21:39,419 --> 00:21:44,019 Flowers is the right answer! Please rejoin your families. 392 00:21:45,339 --> 00:21:47,458 - Weapon? - Weapons. 393 00:21:47,459 --> 00:21:49,538 Correct! 394 00:21:49,539 --> 00:21:51,618 - Food. - That's right. 395 00:21:51,619 --> 00:21:54,018 Dog. 396 00:21:54,019 --> 00:21:55,738 Pets. I'll accept dog. 397 00:21:55,739 --> 00:21:59,178 Anything that might make them more comfortable in the Afterlife. 398 00:21:59,179 --> 00:22:01,938 We'd tie their limbs together so they can't jump out. 399 00:22:01,939 --> 00:22:03,899 Is the correct answer! 400 00:22:05,179 --> 00:22:07,618 Tying them up? Where's your respect, homes? 401 00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:12,258 If you really love them, you would cut off their limbs and skin them. 402 00:22:12,259 --> 00:22:14,938 - Are you saying I don't love my family? - What if I am? 403 00:22:14,939 --> 00:22:19,218 You don't know my family. You're a silly little man. 404 00:22:19,219 --> 00:22:21,058 A silly little man! 405 00:22:21,059 --> 00:22:23,178 Let's see what Ugg has won! 406 00:22:23,179 --> 00:22:25,898 Yes! Throw away your old stone tools. 407 00:22:25,899 --> 00:22:28,698 The Bronze Age is here and it's metal. 408 00:22:28,699 --> 00:22:32,659 You'll be the talk of the tribe with your very own bronze weapon! 409 00:22:35,059 --> 00:22:37,858 - No, not the face! - Argh! 410 00:22:37,859 --> 00:22:40,338 SHOCKED GASPS 411 00:22:40,339 --> 00:22:42,818 Um...you've killed Ugio. 412 00:22:42,819 --> 00:22:45,418 Yeah. Um... 413 00:22:45,419 --> 00:22:47,578 Maybe we should cut off his arms and legs, 414 00:22:47,579 --> 00:22:51,378 scrape out his innards, fill him with mud and put him back together. 415 00:22:51,379 --> 00:22:53,579 Well, it's what he would've wanted. 416 00:22:54,579 --> 00:22:56,858 - Say goodbye, everybody! - APPLAUSE 417 00:22:56,859 --> 00:22:59,219 That's great! Say goodbye. 418 00:23:00,179 --> 00:23:03,899 Come on. Say goodbye. Oh, it's happened again! Doesn't matter. 419 00:23:08,219 --> 00:23:11,178 # Lots of things in history are actually a mystery 420 00:23:11,179 --> 00:23:14,218 # The truth's not always in the books you read 421 00:23:14,219 --> 00:23:17,098 # Facts can get distorted or even misreported 422 00:23:17,099 --> 00:23:20,298 # Imagine if that was all down to me 423 00:23:20,299 --> 00:23:22,578 # Cliff Whitelie. # 424 00:23:22,579 --> 00:23:25,218 - It's Whiteley! - Sorry. 425 00:23:25,219 --> 00:23:28,218 Yeah, yeah. Well, your newspaper got it wrong, mate. 426 00:23:28,219 --> 00:23:30,698 Albert Einstein was a famous scientist. 427 00:23:30,699 --> 00:23:33,098 Frank Enstein was the one with a monster. 428 00:23:33,099 --> 00:23:34,938 So print an apology! 429 00:23:34,939 --> 00:23:37,338 Whallop! 430 00:23:37,339 --> 00:23:40,138 Cliff? I've got Florence Nightingale and... 431 00:23:40,139 --> 00:23:42,018 Sorry, what was your name again? 432 00:23:42,019 --> 00:23:44,458 Mary Seacole. 433 00:23:44,459 --> 00:23:48,099 - Mary Seacole to see you. - Thank you. Show 'em in, please. 434 00:23:50,699 --> 00:23:55,698 Ladies. Cliff Whiteley, tellin' it how it wasn't. 435 00:23:55,699 --> 00:23:58,338 Take a pew. 436 00:23:58,339 --> 00:24:02,978 Right. What seems to be the problemo? 437 00:24:02,979 --> 00:24:06,138 The problem is all of the history books about the Crimean War 438 00:24:06,139 --> 00:24:08,658 only seem to mention one nurse. 439 00:24:08,659 --> 00:24:11,858 - Florence Nightingale. - Florence Nightingale! 440 00:24:11,859 --> 00:24:13,378 Well, I should hope so, too. 441 00:24:13,379 --> 00:24:17,138 We did a great deal of work ensuring Old Flo went down in history. 442 00:24:17,139 --> 00:24:20,938 - What a catchphrase! - The lady with the lamp. 443 00:24:20,939 --> 00:24:22,578 Whallop! 444 00:24:22,579 --> 00:24:27,098 - You forget about me? - No offence, love, but I ain't never heard of ya. 445 00:24:27,099 --> 00:24:31,698 Me sold up me home in Jamaica and paid for me ticket to the Crimea. 446 00:24:31,699 --> 00:24:34,618 When me get there, me built me own hostel with me own money 447 00:24:34,619 --> 00:24:37,578 to provide care for the injured British soldiers. 448 00:24:37,579 --> 00:24:40,938 - Wow! - Yes, yes, but it was my military hospitals 449 00:24:40,939 --> 00:24:43,538 that dealt with all the really nasty injuries. 450 00:24:43,539 --> 00:24:46,618 Not just you. I'd actually go out 451 00:24:46,619 --> 00:24:49,178 and treat the injuries upon the battlefield! 452 00:24:49,179 --> 00:24:53,738 Well, I did pioneering work in cleanliness and hygiene. 453 00:24:53,739 --> 00:24:56,778 I worked in cholera and tropical medicine. 454 00:24:56,779 --> 00:24:59,498 Well, I invented the pie chart. 455 00:24:59,499 --> 00:25:02,218 You did really invent the pie chart? 456 00:25:02,219 --> 00:25:04,298 - Yes, I did. - I did not know that. 457 00:25:04,299 --> 00:25:08,538 All right, ladies, chill out. Asseyez-vous. 458 00:25:08,539 --> 00:25:12,378 Now, Mary, how come she's famous and I ain't never heard of ya? 459 00:25:12,379 --> 00:25:16,858 When the war ended, one of us was still rich and influential 460 00:25:16,859 --> 00:25:19,098 and could go on to do great work, 461 00:25:19,099 --> 00:25:23,258 whilst the other was just a poor, penniless black woman. 462 00:25:23,259 --> 00:25:27,378 That is terrible, after everything you did. 463 00:25:27,379 --> 00:25:29,858 - Let's see if we can't get you publicity. - What? 464 00:25:29,859 --> 00:25:31,578 Shut it, Lampy Knickers! 465 00:25:31,579 --> 00:25:35,378 Now, we'll get you a statue, obviously. 466 00:25:35,379 --> 00:25:38,418 Maybe get a university wing named after you. 467 00:25:38,419 --> 00:25:40,738 Oh! How would you feel about being featured 468 00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:44,658 in an historical sketch show for the BBC? 469 00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:47,139 - It any good? - It ain't bad. 470 00:25:48,099 --> 00:25:49,978 Whallop! 471 00:25:49,979 --> 00:25:53,698 Yes. A statue of Mary Seacole in central London 472 00:25:53,699 --> 00:25:57,058 hopefully means more people will now know who she is. 473 00:25:57,059 --> 00:25:58,898 Top work, Cliff! 474 00:25:58,899 --> 00:26:02,738 Now, where's my statue, eh? Eh? 475 00:26:02,739 --> 00:26:06,058 Of course, when you learnt about people in Victorian schools, 476 00:26:06,059 --> 00:26:10,419 you learnt the proper Victorian way - by repetition. 477 00:26:13,659 --> 00:26:16,658 Queen Victoria was born in 1819. 478 00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:21,618 ALL: Queen Victoria was born in 1819. 479 00:26:21,619 --> 00:26:25,098 Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837. 480 00:26:25,099 --> 00:26:29,818 ALL: Queen Victoria became Queen in 1837. 481 00:26:29,819 --> 00:26:33,458 Bleatherby! We do not drink ink! 482 00:26:33,459 --> 00:26:37,458 ALL: Bleatherby! We do not drink ink! 483 00:26:37,459 --> 00:26:39,618 No, no. That was just for Bleatherby. 484 00:26:39,619 --> 00:26:43,018 ALL: No, no. That was just for Bleatherby. 485 00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:45,858 Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say. 486 00:26:45,859 --> 00:26:50,178 ALL: Children, you do not have to repeat everything I say. 487 00:26:50,179 --> 00:26:53,979 - Stop it! - ALL: Stop it! - Stop it! 488 00:26:55,499 --> 00:26:58,698 - I smell of wee. - ALL: You smell of wee. 489 00:26:58,699 --> 00:27:00,938 Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition. 490 00:27:00,939 --> 00:27:04,698 ALL: Ha-ha! That wasn't exact repetition. 491 00:27:04,699 --> 00:27:07,618 - Argh! - ALL: Argh! 492 00:27:07,619 --> 00:27:09,458 The headmaster's coming! 493 00:27:09,459 --> 00:27:12,579 Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office. 494 00:27:13,819 --> 00:27:16,778 Is everything all right, Mr Hanrahan? 495 00:27:16,779 --> 00:27:19,058 ALL: The headmaster's coming. 496 00:27:19,059 --> 00:27:24,578 Behave, or the silly old goat will drag me to his office. 497 00:27:24,579 --> 00:27:28,818 Mr Hanrahan, a word in my office, please. 498 00:27:28,819 --> 00:27:32,339 - (Thanks a bunch!) - ALL: You're welcome. 499 00:27:32,340 --> 00:27:37,858 # Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts 500 00:27:37,859 --> 00:27:40,538 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 501 00:27:40,539 --> 00:27:44,018 Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures. 502 00:27:44,019 --> 00:27:47,578 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 503 00:27:47,579 --> 00:27:51,179 # Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. # 504 00:27:51,229 --> 00:27:55,779 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40020

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