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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,199
With five months to go before
handing in our dissertations,
2
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,400
Corinne forced us to go where
you and me had barely been before -
3
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,120
the Brent Uni library.
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,160
I left my charger at home,
I've got to go back.
5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,480
No, no, you're not getting out of it
that easy, my friend.
6
00:00:15,481 --> 00:00:17,919
You've got your topic now,
it's time to research.
7
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,120
All right. Let's just hope
I've got enough batty on my lappy.
8
00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,240
Batty on my lappy?
9
00:00:22,241 --> 00:00:24,719
Yes, batty on my lappy,
so I don't need my charger.
10
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,560
Batty on my lappy.
11
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,400
It smells like BO and old books.
12
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,320
And cum.
13
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,200
Yeah, it does smell like cum.
14
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,310
Yeah, there's one of those trees
outside that smell like cum.
15
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,120
Right, firstly, don't embarrass me.
16
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,400
I'm pretty well respected
in these parts
17
00:00:44,401 --> 00:00:45,759
and this is quite a sanctuary
for me.
18
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,160
All right, Hermione.
19
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,760
Secondly...the tribes of the libes.
20
00:00:50,761 --> 00:00:52,759
Over there, we have
the super-hot nerds.
21
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,240
No, they won't fancy you,
22
00:00:54,241 --> 00:00:56,039
They're attracted to
Mensa levels of intellect
23
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,439
and Kardashian levels
of thigh gap.
24
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:58,799
Even I'm not good enough for them.
25
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,839
Then there's the masturbators,
always caught jacking off.
26
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,310
Yeah, I've seen this lot before,
dirty bastards.
27
00:01:03,311 --> 00:01:05,759
And there's the LARP society,
planning their meet-ups.
28
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,870
Ah, that sounds like a LARP,
what's LARP?
29
00:01:07,871 --> 00:01:09,759
Live-action roleplay!
And finally,
30
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,679
we have the bisexual girls
with boyfriends
31
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,879
who meet up to discuss women's lit.
Hi, girls.
32
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,000
All girls are bisexual nowadays.
33
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,400
It's great.
34
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,200
David's dead.
35
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,520
No, he's not!
36
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,320
{\an1}SHE WAILS
37
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,560
This is not research. Sh!
David's dead.
38
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,960
David who? Precisely!
39
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,120
We think it's Angie's
ex-husband David,
40
00:01:38,121 --> 00:01:39,839
but the housemates think
it's David Gest,
41
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,100
who's just asleep in bed,
42
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,039
and the David who is dead is an
entirely different David altogether.
43
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,959
No, it is just Angie's ex-husband,
David Bowie, who is dead.
44
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,600
Oh, my God, David Bowie is dead?
Yes, keep up.
45
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,280
I'm so confused.
46
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,280
Which Dave is actually dead?
47
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,720
So that January through till May
of final year,
48
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,960
we did the one thing
we hadn't really done so far at uni.
49
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,280
We worked.
50
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,760
Spring, sun, winter, dread
51
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,560
I don't want to get older
52
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:17,240
No way, no way
53
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,680
Spring, sun, winter, dread
54
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,360
I don't want to get older...
55
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,560
Ugh!
56
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,240
Fuck off!
57
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,800
Give me batty on my lappy,
keep me working
58
00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,680
Give me batty on my lappy,
I pray.
59
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,200
{\an8}Give me batty on my lappy,
keep me happy
60
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,480
{\an8}Keep me happy in the library...
61
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:57,720
{\an1}PHONE BEEPS
62
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,440
Fuck! Fuck, Danny, sh!
63
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,560
It's Mark, I can't...
Wait, when will you be back?
64
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,160
Hello? Danny boy,
65
00:03:07,161 --> 00:03:08,959
your favourite criminal
has been released.
66
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,640
Deirdre Rachid?
67
00:03:10,641 --> 00:03:12,839
They've let me out early
for being a good boy.
68
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,720
Didn't even have to finger
none of the screws or nothing.
69
00:03:15,721 --> 00:03:18,519
You're joking! I bet Big Dave
on G Wing was gutted. Yeah!
70
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,760
Where are you now?
I'm down in Margate, mate.
71
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,360
Listen, I've got
a little proposition for you.
72
00:03:23,361 --> 00:03:25,719
If you're asking me to sell drugs
along the promenade with you,
73
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,600
it's a big no. No!
74
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,800
I'm on the straight and narrow now,
Dan, proper, all right?
75
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,560
I'm looking at a nice little
two-bed flat by the sea,
76
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,199
and so I was thinking,
in a couple of months,
77
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,679
when you're done with uni and that,
you can come and live with me, Dan,
78
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,610
make our teenage dream come true,
son.
79
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,120
Mate, I don't know.
80
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,400
Oh, Come on, look,
I can help you look after Nan,
81
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,800
and we can sort of figure out
what...
82
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,000
what we want to do with that
and, erm...
83
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,320
..and, yeah, mate, be the fucking...
Del Boy and Rodders of Thanet again.
84
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,520
Yeah, but, mate, I've sort of
built my life round here now.
85
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,040
Yeah, but London's a bit expensive,
innit?
86
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,440
And it's not home home, is it, Dan?
87
00:04:04,441 --> 00:04:06,399
Like, we're Kent bods, mate,
all right?
88
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,800
You can take us out of Kent, but you
can't take Kent the out of us, Dan.
89
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,120
Yeah, sadly.
90
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,640
Look, I'm sorry Mark, but...
this is where I'm really happy.
91
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:15,960
Yeah, mate?
92
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,880
All right, mate, well...
yeah, no, it's just an idea, innit?
93
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,930
I just think... It's all right,
mate, it's all right, I'll, erm...
94
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,520
I'll be all right, Dan,
I'm...good as gold mate, erm...
95
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,600
Yeah, listen,
I've just got to go mate.
96
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,170
One sec, someone's just ringing me.
Love you, mate.
97
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:41,480
I love to look...
98
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,840
You'd waited four years
for him to come out,
99
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,560
and then when he did,
100
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,240
you felt you'd put the distance
right back.
101
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:53,200
And soon enough, Mark just stopped
replying to any of your messages.
102
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:58,120
{\an1}HE SIGHS
103
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,440
Erm..
104
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,240
Not to pester but, erm...
105
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:04,760
..the sex?
106
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,800
We can't. Yes, we can.
107
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,360
No, come on, leave it. OK.
108
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,560
Well, maybe tonight?
Cos it's been a while since we...
109
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,320
I know. Yeah. Yeah, later.
110
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,480
OK.
111
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,360
A dozen men
112
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:27,120
30 days with 24 hours in each
113
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,760
Of shattered boyhood dreams...
114
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,720
Happy birthday to you
115
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,400
Happy birthday to...
Shh!
116
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,120
Oh, poo!
117
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,640
I forgot you can't be loud
in the library.
118
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,040
Thanks, guys.
Just quickly before I forget,
119
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,800
you all have to stop singing
Batty On My Lappy.
120
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,520
Because someone
has complained about it.
121
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,760
ALARM RINGS
Oh, my God! Is there a fire?
122
00:05:55,761 --> 00:05:58,119
It's cos I can't hear!
Is it the fire alarm? Yes!
123
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,200
I can't hear it, I can't hear it!
124
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,480
I don't if there's a drill,
I'll find out!
125
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,800
Who's in ch... I'm in charge,
I'm in cha...!
126
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,240
So... Thank you.
127
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,400
Happy Mother's Day, Mum!
128
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,000
Nan!
129
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,160
Oh!
130
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,200
And Shan!
131
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,360
Mwah!
Dark chocolate always helps me go.
132
00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:29,719
It's a bit better than that Mother's
Day present a couple years ago.
133
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,920
What? We don't talk about that,
Shannon.
134
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,200
Oh, my God! So the first
Mother's Day after Laurie dies,
135
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:40,240
Jack takes us to be in the live
studio audience of Dancing On Ice.
136
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,240
Nice! It's a total palaver.
137
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,360
We arrived late, no-one could
sit together, Nan leaves.
138
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,050
I find Torvill and Dean
have a very, very dark energy.
139
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,720
And Pegs is sat next to this woman,
aren't you?
140
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,320
Who she sort of recognises...
141
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,600
I just couldn't put
my finger on it.
142
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,120
No, but when the camera
came round, right,
143
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,800
the whole audience claps
for this woman,
144
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,840
and then we suddenly realised
she was the mother
145
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,040
of a recently drowned child!
146
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,400
{\an1}SHE LAUGHS
147
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,800
Oh, my God! It was so funny!
148
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,760
Oh, I'm sorry but come...on.
149
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,400
It was funny.
150
00:07:20,401 --> 00:07:23,039
I actually heard from my mum today.
151
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,840
Same.
152
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,680
She's over from Oz in May.
153
00:07:26,681 --> 00:07:29,399
Yeah, so we're going to have
a really big first birthday
154
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,160
for Lauren-Sienna
on the 14th of May.
155
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,840
It's Eurovision -
only thing we have in common.
156
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,640
So if you can please co-ordinate
your sweepstake,
157
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,480
invite your mates, yeah.
158
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,200
Shan, don't keep your hopes up,
159
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:46,360
because Eileen might postpone, like
she has done the last six times.
160
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,080
No, she won't.
161
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,200
She won't.
162
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,520
I know what she's like...
163
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,320
..but she's not going to
let me down.
164
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,920
Daniel
165
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,920
When I first saw you
166
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,320
I knew that you had
167
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,840
A flame in your heart...
168
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,160
Can I help?
169
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080
No.
170
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,320
No, sorry.
171
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,880
It's OK.
172
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,600
I found a home in your eyes
173
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:27,040
We'd never be apart...
174
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,480
Like, I just keep telling myself
175
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,720
that when he's on good form,
he's the best boyfriend,
176
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,720
but...when he's not,
I just lose him.
177
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,080
You're doing all you can.
178
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,600
I'm going to give it a year.
179
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,520
Stay in London.
180
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,680
I'm just going to look for
a paid internship or...
181
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,480
..a job to get me by.
182
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,920
OK.
183
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,440
I will withdraw
your masters application.
184
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,320
But I will say
your dissertation reads boring
185
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,640
so interview some real women,
please.
186
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:06,640
And when the fires came...
187
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,280
So whilst you and Corinne
continued to drift,
188
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,680
I was busy shagging
half of campus.
189
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,840
Cos when you're doing
your dissertation on anal,
190
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,280
it requires a very practical
set of research.
191
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,680
Let's do roleplay.
192
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,600
Live-action roleplay...
193
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,240
You're fast at that.
194
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,200
Why are you wearing that?!
195
00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:38,679
I'm cheering on England tonight.
196
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,960
We're in Eurovision as
United Kingdom.
197
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,840
They're Welsh.
198
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,880
I just love that our act's called
Joe and Jake, you know? So chill.
199
00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:49,959
I mean the song's a bit shit,
all the songs are shite.
200
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,960
Danny, Eurovision's my culture.
201
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,280
I learnt about footballers for you.
202
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,280
I know who Hector...Bellerin is.
203
00:09:58,281 --> 00:10:00,759
Hector Bellerin, I didn't even
tell you about him anyway,
204
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,999
I don't even support Arsenal,
you just fancy him.
205
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,480
Well, I know that he's...
206
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,920
..right wing?
207
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,680
Right-back, Jack.
208
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,920
Or wing-back.
I don't know about his politics.
209
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,720
If Mum doesn't show up, I'm going to
stop sending baby pics on FaceyB.
210
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,799
Hey, remember what they said to you
on the This Morning phone-in.
211
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,319
GEORDIE ACCENT:
"Don't use your baby as a weapon"!
212
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,720
Well, I'll weaponise my baby
whenever I like, thank you, Denise.
213
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,520
Russell's doing well, isn't he?
214
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,610
Is it awkward with him
and Auntie Peggy?
215
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,280
Yeah, they're just friends.
216
00:10:35,281 --> 00:10:37,919
They just get a bit lonely sometimes
and want some company.
217
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,839
But I did say to her, I was like,
"Pegs, if you want to do a U-turn,
218
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,319
"then we've got loads of lube
and johnnies that she can use,
219
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,960
"cos we don't need them any more."
Could we maybe...
220
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,650
Do you want to keep the lube?
Yeah. Fine, I'll tell her.
221
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,960
{\an1}DOORBELL
222
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,960
Do I look all right?
223
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,400
Fit MILF!
224
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,560
Thank you.
225
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,280
Hi, Mum! Yeah, hiya.
226
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,760
Take that.
227
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,720
Oh, thanks. What's that, then?
228
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,360
It's my Shloer.
229
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,000
Shloer?
Yeah, Shloer, it's all I drink.
230
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,760
Oh, right, I don't think
I've ever tried Shloer.
231
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,559
All right, well, you can have
a sip of my Shloer if you like.
232
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,800
Thanks.
233
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:26,279
OK, come on, I can't be standing
out here like a Lib Dem.
234
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,840
Sorry, yeah, come in, yeah.
You look really good.
235
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,520
Yeah, I know.
236
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,480
There's a sugar free one in there.
You could try that.
237
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,080
Nice to see you, Mum.
238
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,440
Will you give it a rest?
239
00:11:46,441 --> 00:11:48,839
You can't be dissertationing
at a party, it's rude.
240
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,240
Is it?
241
00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:52,839
Look, I've 3,000 words left
and the deadline's days away, so.
242
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,400
Well, I re-started
my dissertation last month,
243
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,120
so I've got 20,000 words left
and I'm still having a day off.
244
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,120
What? You restarted?!
Danny, why didn't you tell me?
245
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,160
Cos you're not my mum.
246
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,960
{\an1}PHONE BUZZES
247
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,520
Shan, yeah, I mean, don't take
this personally or anything,
248
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,399
cos when all's said and done
at the end of the day,
249
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,560
I'm just telling it how it is
cos that is just me all over. Yeah.
250
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,040
But he's really handsome.
251
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,680
Yeah, he's lovely. Yeah.
252
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:32,800
He's lovely.
253
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,680
Yeah, he's lovely.
254
00:12:35,681 --> 00:12:38,719
Do you ever think about that?
Yeah, sometimes. What do you mean?
255
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:42,280
Nothing, just...you know, it's...
256
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,480
Yeah, no, I know, he's fit.
257
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:45,880
Stoic.
258
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,360
A lot like the bloke.
259
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,920
How are you doing Jack?
With your degree?
260
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,520
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
261
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,479
I could've gone to uni,
I'm clever enough,
262
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,280
but just my family was
disgustingly poor, so.
263
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,000
Thankfully, I'm now just about to
buy a six-bedroom townhouse
264
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,040
with a swimming pool shaped
like a mermaid's tail.
265
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,040
But in Australia, so.
266
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,720
So thanks for agreeing to talk to me
267
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,640
about what makes
a successful woman.
268
00:13:20,641 --> 00:13:23,319
So, just for the record,
could you please state your name?
269
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,160
Oh, er...
270
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,440
Nan.
271
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,560
No, like your full name.
272
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,960
Oh, Nanny Bingo.
273
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,920
No, like your proper name?
274
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,000
Oh, er, Shannon.
275
00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:38,519
Your name is Shannon? Shannon.
276
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,480
Interviewing successful women,
are we?
277
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,240
Because I have actually
been consistently voted
278
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,080
one of the best Weight Watchers
group leaders
279
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,360
in the whole of south-west Australia
so...
280
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,440
Oh, no babe, no,
I think Weight Watchers is a cult
281
00:13:52,441 --> 00:13:56,039
forcing people to boil down their
nutrition into numerical mind-games
282
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,999
whilst creating
a long-term profit strategy
283
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,240
feeding off of women's self-hatred,
so, no.
284
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:05,359
Well, I mostly have men in my groups
anyway,
285
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,280
cos I find them a bit less whingy.
286
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,360
Why don't you interview
my successful daughter?
287
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,520
Apparently she's a party planner.
288
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280
Fuck's sake!
289
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,760
Excuse me. Oh.
290
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,080
Your mum's lovely,
but she keeps calling me Stoic.
291
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,440
My name's Tariq.
292
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,400
But it's not quite right
293
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,360
And this real
294
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:02,120
It's impossible if possible
at whose blind word
295
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,600
So clear but so unheard...
296
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:13,520
TV: ..Switch off for the TV viewers,
we're going to cut in live,
297
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,090
and we're going to have
like a dance party in here!
298
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,960
Yeah, we're gonna have
a dance party in here!
299
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,720
Hey.
300
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,320
Do you want a drink? No, thank you.
301
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,000
How many have you had?
302
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,520
Oh, don't.
303
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,680
Er...
304
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:46,000
Is there anything here that isn't
like cheap ultra-processed meat?
305
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,680
I'm not eating anything
that once had a face
306
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,080
but has been reconstituted
into another face.
307
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,400
All right.
308
00:15:55,440 --> 00:16:03,400
Careful, Shannon -
leave some for everyone else!
309
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,200
Shan.
310
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,080
Yeah?
311
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,200
Can I say something,
312
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,600
and you promise you'll forgive me
whatever I say?
313
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,760
Yeah.
314
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,680
Eileen has always been
and continues to be
315
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:27,240
a small-minded, ignorant,
spiteful little prick.
316
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,400
She left you at 11.
317
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,160
She's weak.
318
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,440
But you, Shan...
319
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,640
..you're brave and funny
and gorgeous,
320
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,560
and despite how hard you've found it
having a baby,
321
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,760
you're having another.
322
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,390
Cos you're making a beautiful family
for yourself.
323
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,040
And she will always be
a stupid fucking cow.
324
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,360
In Australia.
325
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,200
Yeah.
326
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:08,400
Peggy...
327
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,040
I think of you like my mum.
328
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,120
You're like my mum, really.
329
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,680
And like even with everything you've
been through with Uncle Laurie,
330
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,200
and like...
331
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,920
..getting your Facebook hacked loads
by those Russian bots,
332
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,440
it's just like...
333
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,080
..you've always been there for me.
334
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,960
So I just...I really love you, OK?
335
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,160
Yep. Yeah.
336
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,440
TV: ..To Sweden!
337
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,640
Ah, sorry, Russell.
338
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,720
Well, they sounded like the foxes
who shag behind my bins.
339
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,880
{\an1}LAUGHTER
340
00:17:52,881 --> 00:17:54,119
It's all political anyway.
341
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:58,080
We're not getting fuck all votes
from no-one. They hate us, the EU.
342
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,840
This Brexit vote next month,
343
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,360
I wish I was staying longer
to vote us out.
344
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,440
Ah, I suppose you're all Team Remain
in this gaff.
345
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,000
I'm not. What? What?
346
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,840
Well, I'm thinking about it.
347
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,040
All right? I'm from Thanet in Kent.
348
00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:16,919
No-one gives a shit about our lot
whether we're in the EU or not.
349
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,680
We're just a fucking gateway.
350
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,960
Thanet's not the reason
to leave the whole of the EU, Danny.
351
00:18:22,961 --> 00:18:24,839
Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
352
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,639
You got it cushty, you're sort of
ex-working class, anyway.
353
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,080
Nice gaff.
I mean, you write sodding poems!
354
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,400
OK, come on, this is Eurovision,
it's supposed to be about...
355
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:36,200
..peace and unity.
PHONE BUZZES
356
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,400
And sequins.
357
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,200
Can you come upstairs with me,
please?
358
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,000
I don't want to.
359
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,440
Please. I said I don't want to.
360
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,840
Take my hand and
come upstairs with me, Danny.
361
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,800
Come on.
362
00:19:06,931 --> 00:19:10,719
Why are you ignoring
these calls, pal?
363
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:12,080
I don't know, Corinne.
364
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,120
I don't want to know.
365
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,240
OK.
366
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,280
You're going to down this water.
367
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,680
Danny, look at me.
368
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,120
You're going to down this water,
369
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,240
and I'm going to call them.
370
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,480
OK?
371
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,840
OK.
372
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,680
No. Give it here, I'll do it.
373
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:41,770
Are you...? Yeah.
374
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,400
Where have you two been?
Having a laugh! Oh, joking.
375
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,120
In the kitchen,
just having a biscuit.
376
00:19:56,121 --> 00:19:57,959
Well, we're only watching this crap
cos of you.
377
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,319
Maybe if you weren't here,
I'd be sat in here watching it.
378
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,200
Oh, here we go.
379
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,960
Do you know what, Eileen, you are
so spiteful when you've had a drink.
380
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,720
I'm on Shloer.
381
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,320
I don't know what Shloer is!
382
00:20:09,321 --> 00:20:11,719
I don't know what it is!
Does that make me a bad person?
383
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,319
Does that make me an idiot, does it?
384
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,760
Does it mean
you should constantly neg me
385
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,800
when you haven't seen me in years?!
386
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,320
All right, don't Shloer your words!
Stop!
387
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,280
Right, so...
388
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,800
..it's either Ukraine or Australia.
389
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,160
{\an1}PHONE BUZZES
390
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,800
So it's Tariq or..
Eileen who could win.
391
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,680
Wouldn't it be funny if
Australia wins the Eurovision? Hmm!
392
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,680
Just booked a job, Pegs.
Yeah. See you in a bit, yeah?
393
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,120
I've got to go and see Nan now. OK.
394
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,520
Um...I don't want anyone knowing,
all right?
395
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:59,279
I'm just going to go, like slip out
and get the train to Margate, yeah?
396
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,720
Yeah, no, that's fine.
Let's get our stuff, yeah?
397
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,120
TV: Eurovision Song Contest 2016!
398
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,560
THEY CHEER
Congrats, Tariq!
399
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,920
Here's your winnings.
400
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,400
No, you're all right.
Give them all to Eileen.
401
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,160
What?
402
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,960
I'd like you to leave
my daughter's birthday, please.
403
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,560
I've booked Russell's mini-cab
to take you away.
404
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,400
And I'd like you to apologise
to Shannon.
405
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,000
See, all night you've just been...
406
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,320
..chipping away,
and I'm not having it.
407
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,800
I'm not having anyone
upset my fiancee.
408
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:42,920
What?
409
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,640
Sugar, I was supposed
to do that bit first.
410
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:49,840
Er...
411
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,240
Just one second.
412
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,480
Er, yeah.
413
00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,520
Shan...
414
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,280
..will you m...? No.
415
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,800
Oh.
416
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,720
No, no, as in...
no, don't do the knee thing,
417
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,160
cos you being smaller than me
gives me the ick.
418
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,430
Stand up straight, baby,
stand up straight.
419
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:14,810
Shan...
420
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,210
..will you marry...? Oh!
421
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,360
Yeah!
422
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,120
Yeah? Yeah! Yeah!
423
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,160
Put it on my finger.
424
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,000
Oh, my God, I love it!
425
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,800
Sorry, pardon me, everyone.
426
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,600
I've just got to, erm...
give Lauren the good news.
427
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,080
I love you. I love you too.
428
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,120
Oh, my God, Peggy!
429
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:45,400
Let's have a look! Oh...!
430
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,480
Look...
431
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,080
No, I think just, erm...
432
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,920
I'm just going to go.
433
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,920
What? You can't go on your own.
I'm sorry.
434
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,840
I love you so much,
435
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,880
so much, but I can't...
436
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,680
..I can't do this with us together.
437
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,160
Come on, I know you're stru...
I can't have you be a part of this.
438
00:23:18,691 --> 00:23:23,599
Not when I've been treating you
like this, all right?
439
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,120
You don't deserve that.
440
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,480
But you're struggling and I'm here.
I'm sorry.
441
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,480
Please just go inside, please.
442
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,200
Are y...
443
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,120
Are you breaking up with me?
444
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,360
I'm sorry.
445
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,400
{\an1}MUSIC: I'm Shy
by Self Esteem
446
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:21,120
{\an1}EXCITED VOICES
447
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,800
Take mine
448
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,640
Did everything you wanted,
did it all
449
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,120
And I'm fine leaving it friendly
without ever knowing all
450
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,720
But I had decided
451
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,080
I was sure you over all of them
452
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,680
You over all, I had decided
453
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,480
I was sure you over all of them
454
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:50,720
You over all
455
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,200
And every single time
I got something to say...
456
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,920
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
457
00:24:55,970 --> 00:25:00,520
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33763
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