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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:06,279
This programme contains very strong language,
scenes of drug use and adult humour from the start
2
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,799
Shannon's in labour. We gotta go
hospital! I want my nan! I'm sorry.
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,520
I love you, Nanny Bingo.
4
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,960
Hello, hello. Oh, hello, hello.
5
00:00:15,961 --> 00:00:17,959
I put my nan into a care home,
which is hard.
6
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,760
It's sad, innit, yeah, but...
7
00:00:19,761 --> 00:00:21,879
How are you going to fucking live
with yourself?
8
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,079
N'night, Laurie.
9
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:25,280
You deserve to be happy and loved.
10
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,480
Aww, Russell. Cheers.
11
00:00:27,481 --> 00:00:29,639
Do you know what happens
to full-time fashion graduates?
12
00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,040
Mothercare. Mamas and Papas.
Matalan.
13
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:36,800
What do I do?
14
00:00:36,801 --> 00:00:38,319
Don't, don't. It's done.
15
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,479
I will always choose you,
Danny King.
16
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:43,000
I'll always choose you, Soppy Girl.
17
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,440
Mmm, salty.
18
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,520
The summer of 2015.
19
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,960
Pre-Brexit, pre-Covid,
pre-air fryers.
20
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,920
It was a happier, simpler time.
21
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,200
And, for my 21st birthday,
we put away our phones,
22
00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:02,280
muted our Grindr notifications
and immersed ourselves in nature.
23
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,200
God, look - it's a turd.
24
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,760
There's a floater
25
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,960
Oh, no, wait. That's just
a Newcy Brown Ale bottle.
26
00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,719
So how's things going with Corinne?
27
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,400
Yeah, I'm loving it.
28
00:01:12,401 --> 00:01:15,039
You know, I think we've got
this real, like, genuine,
29
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,640
like, trusting intimacy,
you know?
30
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,120
Is it big? Ugh.
31
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,480
It's-it's not BIG big, as such,
but...
32
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,800
..you know, it's really nice
and it's just...it's right for me.
33
00:01:27,801 --> 00:01:29,599
I mean, look,
it is a lot of pressure.
34
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,399
You know, I've not been in
a relationship like this
35
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,159
in a while but, you know,
I respect her.
36
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,440
He has the most incredible arse. Mm.
37
00:01:35,441 --> 00:01:37,399
Like, I don't know
if he'd ever let me peg him,
38
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,840
but the thought
casts adrift my mind.
39
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,360
I suppose I'm secretly terrified
40
00:01:42,361 --> 00:01:45,119
but I guess that's what falling
in love with someone's like.
41
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,999
You know, you've just got
to get out your comfort zone.
42
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,400
We tried piss play.
43
00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:49,839
What?! Did you like it?
44
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,559
I'd give it two stars, to be honest.
45
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,479
Yeah, the clean-up
was a bit of a faff.
46
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,199
What about you, Jacky boy?
How's your love life?
47
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,599
You still chatting up
that Oscar lad?
48
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,439
He's fucking an underwear model.
Oh,
49
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,240
The lad's got a massive bulge.
I just can't compete with that.
50
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,360
What have I told you?
51
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,750
It's not about the bulge
on the outside.
52
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,610
It's the bulge on
the inside that counts.
53
00:02:10,611 --> 00:02:13,479
I don't know what I mean by that.
54
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,440
HE SIGHS
I just feel like I'm 21,
55
00:02:16,441 --> 00:02:18,999
I still haven't lost
my penetrative virginity,
56
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,519
and it's like, how do I have
a contactless debit card
57
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,439
and I still haven't been bummed?
58
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,480
{\an1}HE LAUGHS
59
00:02:25,481 --> 00:02:28,159
HE THUDS AGAINST SEAT
Oh, fuck's sake, Danny!Whoa!
60
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,280
Get it out!
All right, all right. Now.
61
00:02:31,281 --> 00:02:33,359
Urgh. Jesus.
There's barely anything in it.
62
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,240
Yes, there is, Danny.
63
00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:38,679
For fuck's sake. Not-not everything
has to be laddy fucking banter,
64
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,200
all right? All right, chill out.
It was an accident.
65
00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:43,279
No need to be a...
66
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,800
BINGO CALLER: Prick on my knee! 23.
67
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,120
How ya doin', Nan?
68
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,210
Shut up. I'm doing well. Shut up.
Soz.
69
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,600
One fat lady
with a walking stick. 81.
70
00:02:53,601 --> 00:02:56,039
I do wish they wouldn't fat shame
the number eight.
71
00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:00,840
My wife's a cancer
on all our lives. 65.
72
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,600
That's number 65.
73
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,480
You've a Code Two, Shan.
74
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,400
Oh, my God. Code Two alert. Yep.
75
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,520
Tweak of the thumb, 51.
76
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,960
Red raw, 64.
77
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,040
Down on your knees, 43.
78
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,200
Granny's getting frisky,
it's number 60!
79
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,320
{\an1}THEY SCREAM
80
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,600
FUCKING BINGOOOOOOOOOOOO!
81
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,560
Mum threw me a 21st B-day buffet
82
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:45,000
which got upstaged by my cousin,
Shannon, winning...
83
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,520
?17,000!
84
00:03:47,521 --> 00:03:49,999
I know - it's a life-changing
amount of money.
85
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,039
That's not that much.
86
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,399
You're secretly a Tory
and I hate it.
87
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,159
So I'm going to spend some of it
on setting up
88
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,959
ShanAndNan-nigans Party Planners
LTD Incorporated
89
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:01,920
and then an all-incluse
holibobs-your-uncle to Greece.
90
00:04:01,921 --> 00:04:03,439
And you're all invited!
91
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,520
What? Yes!
92
00:04:04,521 --> 00:04:06,519
You're not ALL invited.
You lot, no.
93
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,880
Just invest it, Shan.
94
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,600
What in? oil and gas?
Nan, please, the world's on fire.
95
00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:14,159
Have you not heard
of climate change?
96
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,680
No, instead,
we are all flying to Greece.
97
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,040
Nan's right, Shan.
98
00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:21,719
Well, Nan isn't coming, is she?
Because she doesn't fly
99
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,159
ever since Jack made her watch
that 9/11 documentary.
100
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,199
Sorry, Nan.
101
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,239
I just really want to connect
with my late father's culture.
102
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,919
You know, I just want to celebrate
the fact that I'm actually Greek.
103
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,360
You're barely Greek.
104
00:04:32,361 --> 00:04:34,519
You're not the only one
with a dead dad, Jack, all right?
105
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,770
I have a dead dad, too - I just
don't go on about it every day.
106
00:04:39,441 --> 00:04:42,679
I'm sorry about saying that,
107
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,399
but there's loads
of gay bars in Faliraki -
108
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:45,900
you're going to love it.
109
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,320
Now, as an apology,
you can bring one pal.
110
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,800
Yemi. I need a wingman.
111
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,960
Fine. I'll come to sit on
the beach and read.
112
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,839
You'll love
the hairy Greek guys, Jack.
113
00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,240
You're pulling pubes out your teeth
for days, but...the meat?
114
00:05:00,241 --> 00:05:01,839
What's your favourite type
of hols, then?
115
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,480
Well, I love wild camping
in the Highlands.
116
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,920
Yeah, just exposed,
against the elements,
117
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,560
and, like, reconnecting with nature.
You?
118
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,880
Ayia Napa is sick.
119
00:05:12,881 --> 00:05:15,239
Hey, Corranny...
Urgh, please don't call us that.
120
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,560
I like it. OK.
121
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,840
Well, you're v-v welcome to join.
122
00:05:18,841 --> 00:05:21,959
Aww. Really? But, um...
I can only cover airport transfers.
123
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,999
Yeah, of course. Like,
I've actually got some savings
124
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,679
and I'd love to take
the missus on holiday.
125
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,079
Oh, please don't call me
"the missus".
126
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,559
Although I am
financially dependent on you
127
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,559
until my Student Loan comes in.
Are you?
128
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,679
I thought all uni was all free
if you're from Scotland?
129
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,959
Only if you study in Scotland.
130
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,359
LAUGHING: Right, well, you're
a silly cow, then, aren't you?
131
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:39,199
Oh, you lot crack me up,
getting into all that debt.
132
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,510
You're still paying your
Wonga payday loans, aren't you?
133
00:05:42,511 --> 00:05:45,559
What have I told you
about mentioning Wonga?
134
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,599
You just have to ruin
your birthday for me, don't you?
135
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,200
{\an1}MUSIC: Don't Mug Yourself
by The Streets
136
00:05:51,201 --> 00:05:53,119
A new day, another morning after
137
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,480
Leanin' back on my chair
in a greasy spoon cafeteria
138
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,760
Last night was some
beer-lairy-ness done our way
139
00:05:59,761 --> 00:06:01,719
But again, we're back
in the light of day...
140
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,840
Oh, no. Oh, no!
141
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,120
I'm... Guys...
Guys, I'm stuck in the thing.
142
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,640
Ow, Danny. Oh, sorry.
143
00:06:08,641 --> 00:06:11,199
Why is the suitcase so big?
We're here four nights.
144
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,959
You'll find out, all right? Just go
in with them. I won't be a sec.
145
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,430
No, I don't like it.
I don't like it in here!
146
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:17,920
Right, Jack, help me.
147
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,240
Corinne! Stop push...
148
00:06:20,241 --> 00:06:22,879
You need to hold it down, Jack,
put your phone back
149
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,439
Quit starin' into space
and eat your snack, that's that
150
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,320
She'll want you much more
for not hangin' on
151
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,890
Stop me if I'm wrong,
stop me if I'm wrong...
152
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:34,199
This is all so,
so generous of you, Shan.
153
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,250
Yeah.
154
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,080
It's our holiday.
BABY COOS
155
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,920
Er, excuse me, Rolf Harris?
156
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,600
Sorry, sorry. I thought...
157
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:50,119
Are we not all staying
in a big family bed?
158
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,080
Oh, my God, Tariq.
We haven't even had a first date.
159
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,640
We had a kebab in my van?.
160
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,760
No, that was a legally advised
informal meeting
161
00:06:57,761 --> 00:07:00,159
to discuss the terms
of our co-parenting.
162
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,879
Sorry, I just...
I just presumed that we...
163
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,359
Right, well, never presume.
164
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,440
It makes an ass out of you and me.
165
00:07:05,731 --> 00:07:11,599
Sorry, Jack. I'll have the baby
monitor next to my bed,
166
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,600
and I do suffer
with severe sleep apnoea.
167
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,240
Hope that's OK.
168
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,480
{\an1}SHE CHUCKLES
169
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,800
Aww...
170
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,440
Miss Gahimiri?
171
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,720
Huh!
Ta-da!
172
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,520
I hope this is a joke.
173
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:46,970
No.
174
00:07:46,971 --> 00:07:51,279
I mean, you said how much you love,
you know, wild camping and...
175
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,879
I mean, the hotel was a bit
on the spenny side,
176
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,280
so I thought, you know, why not
fuse your favourite holiday...
177
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,440
..with the delights
of outdoor Greece?
178
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,400
It is 36 degrees, Danny.
179
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,600
FLIES BUZZ
Yeah, it's hot.
180
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,200
It's boiling.
181
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,480
It'll be cooler in there.
182
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,570
Ah...
183
00:08:12,571 --> 00:08:15,159
Oh, my God, I'm melting. Oh, it is,
it's bad. It is bad. It's awful.
184
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,959
Do you think you're going to
be able to have sex with me?
185
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,799
I drank a lot of water before.
I don't want that on top of me.
186
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,319
We're not allowed to use
the hotel shower. But...
187
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,519
So where are we supposed to wash?
188
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,199
And if you fucking say,
"The sea," Danny,
189
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,680
I... Honest, I swear to god...
190
00:08:25,681 --> 00:08:27,599
Is that honestly where you thought
we were gonna wash?!
191
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,599
Obviously I was gonna say the sea!
What else was I gonna say?
192
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,159
You turned your nose up
at the neck fan...
193
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,750
Get that away from me.
..and we've not even... Just...
194
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,480
{\an1}FAN WHIRS QUIETLY
195
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,600
Hmph!
196
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,330
What a plonker.
CORINNE SOBS
197
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:53,980
You are staying with me.
198
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,040
Shall we have a spliff
on the balcony? Mm?
199
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,680
I smuggled in some hash
in my carry-on.
200
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,640
Yes, please. Yes?
201
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,360
Ooooh! Yeah.
202
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,160
Oh! Thank you.
203
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,840
Shannon... Yeah?
204
00:09:14,841 --> 00:09:17,639
..what drove you to set up
your own party-planning company?
205
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,440
Aww, Yemi. Um...
206
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,520
I love a party, I love a plan,
207
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,200
and I love working for me,
although ultimately the main goal
208
00:09:26,201 --> 00:09:28,439
is to be Lord Sugar's
next Apprentice, so...
209
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,199
So, Yemi, you thinking
of starting your own business, then?
210
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,720
Yep. My dream
is my own forward-thinking,
211
00:09:34,721 --> 00:09:37,159
convention-challenging
womenswear brand.
212
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,840
Wow!
213
00:09:38,841 --> 00:09:40,599
Do you like my Bonmarche kaftan?
214
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,519
Cos I think that's pretty
convention challenging?
215
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,440
Yeah, it's, um... Yeah.
216
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,310
Yeah, I'll a design kaftan one day -
you can model.
217
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,400
Did you hear that, Pegs? Yeah!
Oh, my God!
218
00:09:50,401 --> 00:09:51,599
Tariq, did you hear that?
219
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:52,879
OVER MONITOR: Yeah. It's amazing.
220
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,039
Did you hear that, Jack?
221
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,080
Yes, we all fucking heard it!
We're all literally sat together!
222
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,160
OK.
223
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,320
What's the story in Balamory?
224
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,840
Oh, I don't know,
maybe sharing a room with four men,
225
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:11,079
one of whom snores
like he cannot breathe.
226
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,120
TARIQ: Sorry. I am waiting for
227
00:10:13,121 --> 00:10:15,559
an NHS procedure
to widen my left nostril.
228
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,720
Ooh! Daniel Craig at 12 o'clock.
229
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,480
Is Danny' middle name Craig?
230
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,120
Oh, my God.
231
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,240
Wow. What a woman.
232
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,050
She's like something
out of a Special K advert!
233
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:53,640
She's been with those lads
for hours.
234
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,680
Yes, noted.
235
00:10:55,731 --> 00:11:01,559
Do you know what? I reckon we should
all go to a gay bar tonight.
236
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,040
You know? Or just...
237
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:04,599
..anywhere where
there's less Greek fellas
238
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,959
who clearly
want to just shag my girlfriend.
239
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,010
Jack?
240
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,440
Jack!
241
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,560
Oh, my Christ!
242
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,640
{\an1}OTHERS CHUCKLE
243
00:11:16,641 --> 00:11:18,759
Your second-degree burns
aren't going down well
244
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,639
with the Faliraki gay community.
245
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,919
The Faliraki gay community
are amazing.
246
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,439
I've just met a drag queen
called Sue Vlacki.
247
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,759
Everyone keeps buying me drinks.
248
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,599
Yeah, cos they think you're gay.
249
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,839
Duh. I'm secure enough
in my sexuality
250
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,759
not to worry
if people think I'm gay.
251
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,199
And I can't help it, Jack,
if I'm the masculine Adonis
252
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,820
of Greek gay boys' dreams.
253
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,440
Maybe I should buy a guy a drink!
That's it.
254
00:11:41,441 --> 00:11:44,599
To be honest, Jack, I think
that may be your only tactic.
255
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,039
Every guy here is very much giving
masc looking for masc, and you?
256
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,420
You look like a prawn.
257
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,320
{\an1}TAP RUNS
258
00:11:53,051 --> 00:11:57,879
TAP STOPS
Right, Peg, bathroom's all yours.
259
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:02,200
Oh, you look gorgeous.
Like a young Neneh Cherry.
260
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,600
I don't know who that is,
but I bet she's as fit as fuck.
261
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,479
THEY LAUGH
I won't be back late.
262
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,080
Be as late as you like.
263
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,200
{\an1}CAMERA CLICKS
264
00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,719
Where's Corinne?
265
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,040
The lesbians keep buying her shots.
266
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,760
Oh...there she is.
267
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,520
Hmm. You all right?
268
00:12:29,521 --> 00:12:32,159
Why aren't you chatting up
any Greek lads?
269
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,479
I ain't seen you on Grindr once.
270
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:37,000
Because I am here in Greece,
Danny, not for her but for here.
271
00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:40,759
And on holidays like these, Danny,
I am so often fetishised by gay men
272
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,279
that I will no longer allow that
for myself.
273
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,400
Look around.
274
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:48,050
This place is whiter than being
outside the M25 on Christmas Day.
275
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,400
Now, are you OK?
276
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,920
Yeah.
277
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,600
Yeah, yeah. We're...
278
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,240
..very secure, so...
279
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,520
THEY CHANT: Corinne! Corinne!
Corinne! Corinne!
280
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,360
That's massive. I'm just...
281
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,160
Ugh...
282
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:07,759
Do you know Tariq
tried to kiss me yesterday?
283
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:08,799
{\an1}SHE SCOFFS
284
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,279
It's like, "OK, we're not
on Hollyoaks Later or something."
285
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,839
But you like him, don't you?
286
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,840
What? No. What?
Where have you got that from?
287
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,520
You had a baby together.
288
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,120
Oh, right, OK!
289
00:13:19,121 --> 00:13:20,719
What, cos I have a baby
with someone,
290
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,879
it means I'm just giving it away,
does it? It's 2015, Peggy.
291
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,839
I think you need to read
some Caitlin Moran - immediately.
292
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,000
Well, I don't understand
this modern dating.
293
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,800
Russell has seen my towel selfie
and he ain't messaged me since.
294
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,320
Really?
295
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,760
Blue ticks, no reply.
296
00:13:36,761 --> 00:13:39,919
Oh, my God, that is a red flag,
Peggy. That's a flag de rouge.
297
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,359
No. Get it up on Facey-B,
298
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,639
get the likes coming in,
get the comments coming in -
299
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,990
we'll show him
what he's missing out on.
300
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,320
All right, geez.
How's it hanging, man?
301
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,520
Er...OK.
302
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,080
Do-do you want a drink?
303
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,960
Er, yeah, mate, nice.
304
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,840
I'm just a normal bloke,
so just a big...beer would do me.
305
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:06,680
Er...
306
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,280
Corinne! Can I have a chat?
307
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,520
Yep.
308
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:17,280
Are you, like, purposely trying
not to spend time with me, or...?
309
00:14:17,281 --> 00:14:18,959
Like, I know I fucked it
with the accommodation,
310
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,080
but, like, I had good intent.
311
00:14:21,081 --> 00:14:22,399
Sorry, 'scuse the pun.
312
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:26,280
What? You jumped around with
three Greek fellas all afternoon.
313
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:27,840
The Greek fellas?
314
00:14:27,841 --> 00:14:30,519
Yep, the ones that I kept gesturing
for you to come and join,
315
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:33,410
who are now all
snogging each other in the corner?
316
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,450
Yep.
317
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,880
Well, I mean... Yeah.
318
00:14:39,881 --> 00:14:41,959
..you're enjoying the attention
of these girls now.
319
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,120
Oh, wow. Just cos I'm bi,
320
00:14:44,121 --> 00:14:46,039
then surely I must want to eat
all these girls out, right?
321
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,839
You just munched through a kofte
with that one.
322
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,479
You're ridiculous sometimes, Danny.
323
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,239
If you're upset because I haven't
been spending enough time with you,
324
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,239
then, yes, actually,
for that I'm sorry, OK?
325
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,839
I was fucked off and I wanted space.
326
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,550
But all your other qualms
can truly get to fuck.
327
00:14:58,551 --> 00:15:01,999
Sorry, can I just get my bag?
Nice to meet you.
328
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,080
Corinne, I'm...
329
00:15:03,081 --> 00:15:05,159
So whilst you were in the doghouse,
330
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:10,560
Dmitri here sweetly ordered me the
girliest, coldest drink possible.
331
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:11,650
Argh!
332
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,800
FISHBOWL SHATTERS
Argh, my skin!
333
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,880
Ah... Oi! Ah, I'm sorry.
334
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,900
Argh! Argh! All right, all right...
335
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,120
It burns! It burns!
336
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,040
Still no reply from Russell,
but my Facey-B is popping off.
337
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:35,320
Oh, how many comments? Four.
338
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,080
Fuck off. What they saying?
339
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:41,560
Um... "Looks like you're having
a cheeky holiday."
340
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,520
"Bottoms up, girl."
341
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,560
Er, "Nice to see the back of you."
What?
342
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,760
And Gary from the pub has put up,
um...
343
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,600
Ph, "Nice arse, Pegs."
344
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,520
SHE GASPS
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
345
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,480
Oh, shit. Oh, no.
346
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,800
Oh, shit, Peggy!
347
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,560
I didn't know my arse was out. Oh.
348
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,120
And he still hasn't
fucking replied.
349
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,160
Men are CUNTS!
350
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,840
Big old dooby, Peggy?
351
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,880
Yeah.
352
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:17,200
Men are cunts, men are cunts,
men are cunts...
353
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,960
BOTH: Men are cunts,
men are cunts, men are cuuu...
354
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,760
The thing is,
355
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,920
I know Danny messed up with you,
but...
356
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,760
..he's a good boy.
357
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,960
Yeah, he's just such
an insecure prat sometimes.
358
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:36,400
Do you know, when I was really
scared when I was having the baby...
359
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,040
..Danny held my hand so tight...
360
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,440
Oh...
361
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:48,000
..and just as I was starting
to push and push and push,
362
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,040
and I was shitting out turds, like,
all over the birthing bed,
363
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,640
just like...
364
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:59,320
And this toxic stench, honestly,
hit the back of everyone's nostrils.
365
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:03,320
At the same time, it was like
tarmac filling up a pothole,
366
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,440
And Danny...
367
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,970
I'm going to get emotional,
but Danny...
368
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,480
..just fucking
held my hand even tighter.
369
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,840
And, as far as I'm concerned,
370
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,520
that is the sign
of a really good bloke.
371
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,200
{\an1}RETCHING AND SPLATTERING
372
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,240
Oh, my God.
Peggy, have you been sick?
373
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,080
CORINNE: Urgh...
374
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh, my God,
you look like Michael Jackson!
375
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,280
Ugh...
376
00:17:39,511 --> 00:17:44,999
You know, I spend most
of winnings on this holiday
377
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,999
and everyone just looks
bloody stressed!
378
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,119
Peggy got absolutely rat-arsed
last night,
379
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,999
Yemi's not even bothered to come
down for breakfast, brunch or lunch.
380
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,120
He's having a kip...
381
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,480
..cos none of us
could get any sleep.
382
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,120
I mean, I survived the 2004 tsunami,
383
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:00,959
so I suppose any holiday's better
than that.
384
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,240
Shh, Tariq. This isn't about you.
385
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,600
Right, OK, tonight,
we need to cheer up,
386
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,960
go beach bar
and take some of this choccy
387
00:18:09,961 --> 00:18:12,119
that I got off a geezer
in the smoking area last night.
388
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,479
Was it a white guy with dreadlocks
that was selling magic mushrooms?
389
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,000
No comment.
390
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,880
All I wanted this trip
was to sit with friends,
391
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,600
have a Fanta Limon,
some nice olives,
392
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,040
and just get fucked up the arse.
But it's just been a disaster.
393
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,320
Honestly, I don't think
you were going to do it anyway.
394
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,190
Your first time should be
with someone you trust.
395
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,000
If you're at all asking me, then no.
396
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,920
Yeah, no, I wasn't asking you.
397
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,400
I mean, it maybe would've been
a good idea, but...
398
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,840
..alas, I am solely here to read,
so...
399
00:18:50,841 --> 00:18:51,919
Of course.
400
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:57,480
But, er, maaaaybe the thought
of you and me had crossed my mind...
401
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,040
..but we're just friends.
Yeah, we couldn't do that.
402
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,520
Yeah, no, we couldn't.
403
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:06,040
We couldn't do that.
404
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,580
No, we couldn't do that.
405
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,120
We couldn't do that.
We couldn't...do that.
406
00:19:11,121 --> 00:19:14,079
And we actually can't do that
407
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:18,760
because Tariq's in our room with
Lauren all night, so...
408
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,240
{\an1}PHONE CHIMES
409
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,280
{\an1}FAINT MUSIC
410
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,760
{\an1}SHOWER DOOR CREAKS
411
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:33,680
Oh, Danny!
412
00:19:33,681 --> 00:19:35,479
Corinne. I'm really,
really sorry, right?
413
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:36,999
I was a royal prick last night.
414
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:41,800
And I was just, like, put out and
paranoid and I just... I'm sorry.
415
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,400
For you.
416
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,360
Thank you.
417
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,120
And I'm sorry
for cold-shouldering you.
418
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:49,199
It's all right.
419
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,590
{\an1}MUSIC CONTINUES
S
420
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,440
Do you remember the routine?
The routine? Yeah.
421
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:58,880
Of course I remember the routine.
I invented the routine. Yeah.
422
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,080
You ready? five, six,
seven, eight, to the right.
423
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,840
At night, I think of you...
424
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,120
And across.
425
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:11,120
I wanna be your lady, maybe
426
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,720
If your game is on,
give me a call, boo...
427
00:20:13,721 --> 00:20:17,879
Jack, Jack, Jack, why are you always
trying to have sex
428
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,639
in a disabled toilet facility?
429
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,760
Er, well, after my dad died,
430
00:20:22,761 --> 00:20:24,999
when I wanted to have
a cry at school,
431
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,480
I used to go in the disabled loos,
432
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:31,600
just because it's more spacious,
you know?
433
00:20:31,601 --> 00:20:33,199
I could put my blazer up there,
434
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,040
I could put my laptop here
435
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,960
and watch Lorraine
whilst on the loo.
436
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,640
Right. No, Jack.
437
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,159
If we're going to have a trusting
intimate encounter as friends,
438
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,810
then we do need some modicum
of self-respect.
439
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,280
Ooh, I know!
440
00:20:50,281 --> 00:20:51,359
I follow you
441
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,560
I, I follow
442
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:57,560
I follow you, dark doom, honey
443
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,040
I follow you
444
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,440
I, I follow
445
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,320
I follow you, deep sea, baby
446
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,840
I follow you
447
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,320
I, I follow
448
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:13,080
I follow you, dark doom, honey
449
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,480
I follow you...
450
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,920
I think I do like Tariq.
451
00:21:17,921 --> 00:21:19,439
DISTORTING: But it just scares me.
452
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,840
Cos, like, what if I fuck him off
one day then he just leaves?
453
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,040
Like, everyone leaves me -
my dad, my mum,
454
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,240
Ginger Spice.
455
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,510
Look, Shan, just go for it
with Tariq.
456
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,680
Only take it slow.
457
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,120
I'm going to find him.
458
00:21:34,121 --> 00:21:37,479
Now. I'm going to go find him now.
459
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,999
Oh, no, I didn't mean... Yep. Oh.
460
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,240
{\an1}PHONE CHIMES
461
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:53,520
Ack!
462
00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,760
{\an1}SHE SPLUTTERS
463
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,920
And so this was where I finally lost
my bumming virginity,
464
00:22:02,921 --> 00:22:05,639
with one of my best mates,
on the edge of a Greek cliff,
465
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,559
like George Michael
would've wanted.
466
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,680
Is it weird if I say
I really enjoyed that?
467
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,840
I would hope so! I did, too.
468
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,720
But is it mad that happened?
469
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,560
No, not really.
470
00:22:17,561 --> 00:22:18,999
We would've had sex
the first night we met
471
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,119
if you hadn't ripped out
my septum piercing.
472
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,959
And then I got to know you, Jack,
473
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,670
and I...I really didn't want to
have sex with you,
474
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,920
because you were clearly a novice.
Right.
475
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,440
But now...
476
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,560
..I think you're ready,
and that was nice.
477
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,999
But do you think
we should have done that?
478
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,800
We're not Danny and Corinne.
479
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,240
Look, we are never
going to do that again,
480
00:22:41,241 --> 00:22:42,719
but I don't regret it,
481
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,440
and, actually, you were a lot better
than I thought you'd be.
482
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,880
Aw, thank you, Yemi.
483
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:52,080
However, I will have to write you
down some pointers for next time.
484
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,480
Pointer one -
do not call anybody "Daddy".
485
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:57,240
Uh-huh. Yep. No.
486
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,330
Pointer two...
487
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,840
{\an1}BIRDSONG
488
00:23:11,921 --> 00:23:14,439
Ah! What the fuck?!
489
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,440
Hey.
490
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,760
You OK? Yeah, you?
491
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,040
Yeah.
492
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,320
I'm on mushrooms.
493
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,120
You OK?
Yeah, I just said I'm OK.
494
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,210
OK.
495
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,080
You know, I just feel like...
496
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,000
..me and you, we've drifted a bit,
you know?
497
00:23:33,751 --> 00:23:35,839
And it's just...
498
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,679
Guys, can you whisper, please?
499
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,239
What are you doing in here?
500
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,520
I can't remember,
but Tariq isn't here, is he?
501
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:43,999
Guys, please can we keep it down?
502
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,680
Corinne, what...?
Is everyone in this room?
503
00:23:46,681 --> 00:23:49,399
TARIQ: I'm actually sleeping
in the bathtub in the bathroom.
504
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,199
Oh, my God! Who's with the baby?
505
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,479
YEMI: I'm with the baby.
506
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,399
We're just sat on the balcony,
watching the sunrise.
507
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,639
Aww, thanks, Yemi.
Yeah, thanks, Yemi.
508
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,199
Shh, Tariq! People are
trying to sleep in here. Sorry.
509
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,320
PEGGY: Shan, you should come out
on the balcon -
510
00:24:03,321 --> 00:24:05,079
the sunrise is gorgeous.
DANNY SINGS TUNELESSLY
511
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,120
Aww! Yeah, OK.
512
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,200
OH, MY GOD! WILL EVERYONE
JUST SHUT THE FUCK U...?!
513
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,520
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
514
00:24:42,570 --> 00:24:47,120
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