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1
00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:04,937
Ugh!
2
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:06,605
I can't see crap!
3
00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:08,674
I don't know how the biebs
gets anything done.
4
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,005
Try having
a wallet chain
5
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:12,544
That weighs five times
your body weight, bro!
6
00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:14,213
It looks sick,
though, right?
7
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:16,949
Hell yeah!
Let's go be emo a-f!
8
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,952
[ sweet music plays ]
on their phones?!
9
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,253
[ mutters ]
10
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,622
No kiss?
11
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,892
Klaus: Where are all
the future teen moms?!
12
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,428
Damn! No one
in town's boning!
13
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:31,830
It's more than that,
klaus.
14
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,098
It's a total lack
of intimacy.
15
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,168
And it wounds
my emo soul.
16
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,771
Klaus: Whoa.
Even principal lewis isn't
17
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:41,841
Sniffing the volleyball team's
hair for good luck anymore!
18
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,709
He was spoken to.
But, still, it's heartbreaking.
19
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,341
Luckily, I know
just the person
20
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,046
To contact
to save langley.
21
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,514
Later, skater.
22
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,850
Wait! So we're not
going to the 7-eleven
23
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:54,453
To steal beers
in your big pants?
24
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,321
Nothing says you mean business
25
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,624
Like a letter
written in your own blood.
26
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,800
To the winds!
27
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:09,868
Okay. Time to relax.
28
00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:12,004
[ rock music plays ]
29
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:17,009
??
30
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:19,812
??
31
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:23,215
Come on, mei lan.
Don't shut bao bao out.
32
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,350
Look into her eyes.
33
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,153
[ soft growling ]
34
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:31,423
[ pandas moaning ]
35
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:33,692
[ all cheering ]
36
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,595
[ all moaning and giggling ]
37
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,499
Written in blood?
They must mean business!
38
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,036
[ gasps ]
langley needs an intimacy coach!
39
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:46,438
Stay sexy, beijing!
40
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,442
Darn tootin'
I ride my vespa side-saddle!
41
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,244
I'm classy as shit!
42
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,645
[ engine revs ]
43
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:58,182
??
44
00:01:58,184 --> 00:02:00,919
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
45
00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:04,122
? I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
46
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:07,259
? the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ?
47
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:11,997
? and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ?
48
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,935
? oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
49
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:19,804
? good - ?
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
50
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:20,990
Aah!
51
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:25,410
? good morning, u.S.A. ?
52
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,011
Bon soir, langley.
53
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,681
Welcome to
"lovers and other strangers."
54
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,350
I'm your host -
intimacy coach and grandma
55
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:33,785
Suzette foufoune.
56
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,771
Let's get right into it,
shall we?
57
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:39,758
Most people don't know
how to practice intimacy...
58
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,561
Which I like to spell
"into-me-see"
59
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,029
To remind you
to let your partner in.
60
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:47,166
For instance,
have you ever asked your partner
61
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,457
What temperature of bathwater
they prefer?
62
00:02:49,458 --> 00:02:51,237
I like mine
the temperature of urine,
63
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:53,238
Which is convenient
because I have chronic
64
00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:54,640
Bladder-control issues.
65
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,976
And now a word from our sponsor,
66
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,378
Gary's wholesale
sausage emporium.
67
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:04,048
Are retail hot-dog prices
making you c-c-crazy?
68
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:07,652
Come on down to gary's
for all your discount dog needs.
69
00:03:07,653 --> 00:03:09,455
[hushed] was this really
the best we could do?
70
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,123
Blue apron passed.
71
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,925
Okay, okay. Let's get
vulnerable, langley.
72
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,527
Let's get sexy.
73
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,061
First caller gets 11 feet
74
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,331
Of gary's signature
summer sausage!
75
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:20,999
Bon soir, loverrrr.
76
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,668
What's your question
for suzette?
77
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,270
Caller:
I'm afraid to initiate
78
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,538
Physical contact
with my wife!
79
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,407
More of a statement
than a question,
80
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:30,008
But we'll say
you still get...
81
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:31,876
5 feet of sausage.
82
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,077
[ audience cheering ]
83
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,879
[ upbeat music plays ]
84
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:40,018
Our next guest is known
as the "get-it-on granny."
85
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,154
She's taking langley
by storm!
86
00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:43,421
Give it up for...
87
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:47,225
Suzette foufouuuuuune!
88
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,693
[ cheers and applause ]
89
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,896
Now, you've
transformed langley
90
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,833
Into one of the sexiest cities
in america
91
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,837
And did what no one else
could or wanted to!
92
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:02,440
You got suze and her ex, mike,
back together!
93
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,576
The courts, her family,
94
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:07,645
And his aa sponsor
are all against it,
95
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:10,382
But with your help,
they found a way!
96
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,567
[ suze grunts ]
97
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:12,917
[ both moaning ]
98
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:16,188
Is that foreplay
or foul play?
99
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,757
After the break,
we find out!
100
00:04:22,843 --> 00:04:24,977
If it weren't for
roger's new persona,
101
00:04:25,112 --> 00:04:26,511
I wouldn't have discovered
102
00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,580
How much I love
brushing your hair.
103
00:04:28,715 --> 00:04:30,849
I can't think of
anything more intimate
104
00:04:30,851 --> 00:04:32,651
We could do
in this position.
105
00:04:32,787 --> 00:04:34,186
[ gunfire ]
hoh-hoh-hoh!
106
00:04:34,187 --> 00:04:36,522
Getting intimate with my bros
has helped us dominate
107
00:04:36,523 --> 00:04:38,723
"the vow
of the disciple raid."
108
00:04:38,725 --> 00:04:41,326
Now we alternate
the leaching force debuff
109
00:04:41,462 --> 00:04:44,597
While we kill the glyphkeepers
in rhulk's inner sanctum.
110
00:04:44,731 --> 00:04:46,398
Thanks to suzette,
snot and I
111
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:49,734
Took our relationship
to the next level.
112
00:04:49,736 --> 00:04:51,203
Snot:
We got matching tats!
113
00:04:51,338 --> 00:04:54,807
Oh, my god!
Is nowhere safe?!
114
00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:56,331
I just had to watch
a couple
115
00:04:56,343 --> 00:04:58,573
"lady and the tramp"
a sub sandwich at work!
116
00:04:58,612 --> 00:04:59,945
Babe, you're back!
117
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,081
I had such a hectic day
waiting for you in bed.
118
00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:05,950
Jeff and I don't need any
of this "intimacy" crap!
119
00:05:05,952 --> 00:05:08,620
Our relationship is tight.
Right, jeff?
120
00:05:08,755 --> 00:05:12,090
Tight as a tiger!
Roooaar!
121
00:05:12,092 --> 00:05:14,292
Sorry.
That was a lion.
122
00:05:14,294 --> 00:05:17,496
Sounds like someone
is afraid to get vulnerable.
123
00:05:17,498 --> 00:05:19,097
Or get sexy.
124
00:05:19,099 --> 00:05:21,566
[ scoffs ] jeff and I
are sexy as hell.
125
00:05:21,702 --> 00:05:22,752
In fact...
126
00:05:22,837 --> 00:05:25,838
[deep voice]
let's. Go. Doooo it!
127
00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:31,900
[ liquid bubbling ]
[ exhales heavily ]
128
00:05:34,181 --> 00:05:35,380
Peace, slut.
129
00:05:35,516 --> 00:05:37,149
[ snoring ]
130
00:05:39,053 --> 00:05:42,454
? scrubbin' up
my undercarriage ?
131
00:05:42,589 --> 00:05:46,625
? mediocre sex
is part of marriage ?
132
00:05:48,995 --> 00:05:51,129
Francine:
Keep! Meeting!
133
00:05:51,131 --> 00:05:53,398
My! Needs!
134
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:56,401
Stan: I'm meeting the shit
outta your needs right now!
135
00:05:56,537 --> 00:05:59,772
Needs! Needs! Needs!
136
00:06:01,542 --> 00:06:03,608
"need - a requirement,
137
00:06:03,744 --> 00:06:06,879
Either phy-si-o-lo-gi-cal
138
00:06:07,013 --> 00:06:10,949
Or puh-sy-cho-lo-gi-cal."
139
00:06:10,951 --> 00:06:12,951
Hoo-hoo! Lotta big words.
140
00:06:12,953 --> 00:06:17,222
Good thing I have
this dic-tee-on-ary.
141
00:06:17,357 --> 00:06:20,759
O-m-g! I have needs!
142
00:06:20,895 --> 00:06:23,295
But how can I get hayley
to be intimate?
143
00:06:23,430 --> 00:06:26,031
She just wants to
hit it and quit it.
144
00:06:26,166 --> 00:06:28,433
It feels like your heart's
not in this, rogu.
145
00:06:28,435 --> 00:06:30,703
If I wanted someone
to lightly slap my back
146
00:06:30,837 --> 00:06:32,637
With a dead fish,
I have a guy.
147
00:06:32,773 --> 00:06:34,773
Bon soir.
You're live with suzette.
148
00:06:34,775 --> 00:06:36,508
What's your name,
loverrr?
149
00:06:36,643 --> 00:06:37,776
Jeff: Jeff fischer.
150
00:06:37,912 --> 00:06:41,046
Oh! I-I mean,
spelled g-e-o-f-f.
151
00:06:41,047 --> 00:06:43,048
Jeff, just come up
to the attic for god's sake.
152
00:06:43,049 --> 00:06:45,117
I'm going off-air.
Bring lotion!
153
00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:47,852
Unh! Now, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
154
00:06:47,854 --> 00:06:51,055
It should feel like
you almost hate me. You were saying?
155
00:06:51,057 --> 00:06:54,459
I want intimacy, but
I'm worried hayley doesn't.
156
00:06:54,595 --> 00:06:55,994
With a resistant partner,
157
00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:58,997
You have to be crystal clear
about your needs.
158
00:06:58,999 --> 00:07:00,599
Can you focus
on my glutes?
159
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:03,869
And when I say "glutes,"
I obviously mean my butthole.
160
00:07:06,206 --> 00:07:10,275
Gentlemen, have any of you heard
of something called "netflix"?
161
00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:12,344
-Why, sure.
-Sure. I have.
162
00:07:12,479 --> 00:07:14,212
It's a "streamer."
163
00:07:14,348 --> 00:07:17,149
Last night,
I "streamed" a program
164
00:07:17,284 --> 00:07:21,620
About a spunky little gal
called marie kondo.
165
00:07:21,622 --> 00:07:25,423
Marie's all about
letting go of unnecessary crap.
166
00:07:25,425 --> 00:07:27,025
It made me realize
167
00:07:27,027 --> 00:07:29,361
The cia is in dire need
168
00:07:29,496 --> 00:07:31,095
Of a good decluttering.
169
00:07:31,096 --> 00:07:32,966
Does this mean
you'll be inspecting
170
00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:34,167
Our personal workspaces?
171
00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:36,100
Damn skippy,
weitzman!
172
00:07:36,102 --> 00:07:39,838
Unless it "sparks joy"
for me personally,
173
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,507
Say sayonara,
sweetheart!
174
00:07:42,509 --> 00:07:44,108
Ring, ring, ring.
175
00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:46,511
I'm getting a call
on my spy phone.
176
00:07:46,513 --> 00:07:48,981
H-hello, mr. President!
177
00:07:49,116 --> 00:07:51,049
[ door opens ]
sounds important.
178
00:07:51,051 --> 00:07:53,952
[ whistling ]
179
00:07:56,590 --> 00:07:59,958
??
180
00:08:01,528 --> 00:08:03,395
Champers? Noice!
181
00:08:04,598 --> 00:08:06,130
[ gulping ]
182
00:08:06,132 --> 00:08:08,801
[ sultry music playing ]
I realized if I want
183
00:08:08,935 --> 00:08:10,469
My needs met, it's important
184
00:08:10,604 --> 00:08:12,404
To be crystal clear.
185
00:08:12,539 --> 00:08:13,738
So I need you to -
186
00:08:13,739 --> 00:08:15,341
Can't hear you
when you're nekked!
187
00:08:15,342 --> 00:08:18,310
Now bend over!
Mama want!
188
00:08:22,483 --> 00:08:24,473
[ liquid bubbling ]
[ exhales heavily ]
189
00:08:24,951 --> 00:08:26,551
Peace, slut.
190
00:08:26,553 --> 00:08:28,353
[ snoring ]
191
00:08:28,488 --> 00:08:30,889
??
192
00:08:30,890 --> 00:08:33,092
What are you doing up?
It's your nap time.
193
00:08:33,093 --> 00:08:36,094
No. It's "we need to talk"
time, hayley!
194
00:08:36,096 --> 00:08:37,962
"hayley"?
Someone needs a nap.
195
00:08:38,098 --> 00:08:40,365
What I need
is intimacy,
196
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:42,234
And you're not meeting
my needs!
197
00:08:42,369 --> 00:08:44,569
Uh, our sex life
is fire, dude!
198
00:08:44,705 --> 00:08:47,840
I haven't "finished" from sex
with you in over a year.
199
00:08:47,974 --> 00:08:49,374
[ scoffs ] please.
200
00:08:49,376 --> 00:08:51,666
Everyone knows
it's physically impossible
201
00:08:51,712 --> 00:08:53,311
For guys to fake orgasms.
202
00:08:53,447 --> 00:08:56,314
Sex. Sex.
203
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:58,350
Sexxxxx!
204
00:08:59,386 --> 00:09:01,920
Oh, my god.
You have been faking!
205
00:09:02,056 --> 00:09:03,856
I don't want to
pretend anymore.
206
00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:06,220
That's why I bought us
tickets to suzette's
207
00:09:06,326 --> 00:09:09,194
"intimacy intensive"
in old upper lanceton.
208
00:09:09,329 --> 00:09:11,196
That weird old-lady
roger persona
209
00:09:11,331 --> 00:09:13,532
Everyone's obsessed with?
No way!
210
00:09:13,667 --> 00:09:17,001
It starts tonight,
and I'm gonna be there.
211
00:09:17,003 --> 00:09:19,238
I hope you will be, too.
212
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:22,274
[ door closes ]
oh, my god.
213
00:09:22,409 --> 00:09:24,943
When did jeff get a suitcase?
214
00:09:28,814 --> 00:09:32,416
How did I beat you here?
You left two hours before me.
215
00:09:32,418 --> 00:09:35,219
I had to return my suitcase.
It was a rental.
216
00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:36,354
You came!
217
00:09:36,355 --> 00:09:38,289
Yeah. And I'm not happy
about it.
218
00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:40,025
And it smells weird
in here. [ switch clicks ]
219
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:42,626
That's the vulnerability.
It has an aroma.
220
00:09:42,628 --> 00:09:45,496
Like a soft cheese
left to ripen gently
221
00:09:45,631 --> 00:09:46,898
In the tuscan sun.
222
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:48,566
This psycho's
gonna help us?
223
00:09:48,568 --> 00:09:49,618
Pfft. Right.
224
00:09:49,702 --> 00:09:51,569
Our first exercise.
225
00:09:51,704 --> 00:09:53,037
Let's start easy.
226
00:09:53,172 --> 00:09:56,107
Dip our toes
into the "inti-me-sea."
227
00:09:56,242 --> 00:09:58,442
This time it's "sea"
like the ocean.
228
00:09:58,444 --> 00:10:00,177
Let's all share
with the group.
229
00:10:00,179 --> 00:10:02,289
Question!
What's your favorite cereal?
230
00:10:02,381 --> 00:10:04,782
-Fruity pebbles.
-Fruity pebbles!
231
00:10:04,784 --> 00:10:07,518
-Bran flakes.
-Grape nuuuuts!
232
00:10:07,653 --> 00:10:09,987
Count chocula!
233
00:10:09,989 --> 00:10:12,590
[ suspenseful music plays ]
234
00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:14,992
Babe?
What's yours?
235
00:10:15,128 --> 00:10:18,930
Shredded wheat?
[ sighs ]
236
00:10:19,064 --> 00:10:20,114
Frosted or plain?
237
00:10:20,133 --> 00:10:21,532
Stop interrogating me!
238
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:25,269
My favorite cereal is
my own private business!
239
00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:30,541
That bitch is crazy.
There's a door right there.
240
00:10:30,676 --> 00:10:32,744
Sorry, jeff,
we only have two rules -
241
00:10:32,878 --> 00:10:35,380
No singles
and no refunds.
242
00:10:40,286 --> 00:10:42,419
The truth about
who killed jfk?
243
00:10:42,421 --> 00:10:45,088
Uch! I prefer
living in the dark.
244
00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:46,624
Shred it.
245
00:10:46,625 --> 00:10:49,227
This picture of you and
captain picard at comic-con?
246
00:10:49,228 --> 00:10:51,895
Ha ha!
That handsome devil.
247
00:10:52,031 --> 00:10:54,966
But he got
a little handsy.
248
00:10:55,101 --> 00:10:56,401
Trash it.
249
00:10:57,236 --> 00:10:59,303
Some funky old
rollerblades?
250
00:10:59,438 --> 00:11:01,104
My beloved!
251
00:11:01,106 --> 00:11:02,773
[ harp twinkles ]
252
00:11:02,908 --> 00:11:05,042
[ funky music plays ]
253
00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:07,911
??
254
00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:11,715
Believe it or not,
I was a real rink rat.
255
00:11:11,717 --> 00:11:15,519
I even won
the disco diva skate-off!
256
00:11:15,521 --> 00:11:18,189
I was riding high
that day,
257
00:11:18,324 --> 00:11:21,592
As were
my gold lam๏ฟฝ shorts.
258
00:11:21,727 --> 00:11:23,861
[ sobbing ]
259
00:11:24,597 --> 00:11:28,199
These roller skates are
my new standard for joy!
260
00:11:28,802 --> 00:11:32,203
An original van gogh
stolen during world war ii,
261
00:11:32,338 --> 00:11:33,871
Recovered by green berets
262
00:11:33,873 --> 00:11:36,940
In a midnight raid that
cost two men their lives,
263
00:11:36,942 --> 00:11:38,542
One of whom
was your father.
264
00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:40,211
Barf! Burn it!
265
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,280
[ huffs ]
stop chasing me, jeff!
266
00:11:43,282 --> 00:11:45,549
Give me some space, stalker!
267
00:11:46,151 --> 00:11:48,886
But - [ sighs ]
jeff always follows me.
268
00:11:48,888 --> 00:11:50,421
[ wolf howls ]
269
00:11:50,556 --> 00:11:53,357
Ooh. I do not need
another wolf bite.
270
00:11:54,694 --> 00:11:57,160
??
271
00:11:57,162 --> 00:11:59,063
[ slurping ]
272
00:12:00,366 --> 00:12:02,633
I'm very sensitive
to people's energy,
273
00:12:02,768 --> 00:12:04,301
And yours sucks ass.
274
00:12:04,437 --> 00:12:06,370
Mi poppers
es su poppers.
275
00:12:06,372 --> 00:12:07,905
What's your deal, dawg?
276
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:09,573
My wife
jumped out a window
277
00:12:09,709 --> 00:12:12,443
Because I don't want sex
without intimacy.
278
00:12:12,578 --> 00:12:13,711
[ coughs ] what?!
279
00:12:13,713 --> 00:12:15,312
Intimacy is overrated!
280
00:12:15,448 --> 00:12:18,382
And you can orgasm
like a pig without it!
281
00:12:18,517 --> 00:12:20,918
Why would I want to
orgasm like a pig?!
282
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,655
Because pigs have orgasms
that last up to 90 minutes!
283
00:12:24,790 --> 00:12:28,459
Maybe that's why bacon
tastes so delicious!
284
00:12:28,594 --> 00:12:30,261
Listen.
I built a machine
285
00:12:30,396 --> 00:12:33,330
Capable of giving
a pig's orgasm to humans.
286
00:12:33,466 --> 00:12:35,466
And the best part is,
once you have one,
287
00:12:35,601 --> 00:12:37,534
Your brain
changes forever!
288
00:12:37,536 --> 00:12:40,404
You'll never need
intimacy again!
289
00:12:40,405 --> 00:12:41,406
Awesome!
290
00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:43,074
If neither of us needs it,
291
00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:45,009
Me and babe will
get along so great!
292
00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:46,810
Yeah.
It's like they say.
293
00:12:46,812 --> 00:12:50,414
Once you're squealin',
there's no need for feelin's.
294
00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:55,619
Where's jeff?!
295
00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,822
Kinda hard to do trust falls
without a partner.
296
00:12:57,823 --> 00:12:59,624
Probably across the street
at applebee's.
297
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:01,615
That's where most
of my dropouts end up.
298
00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:09,033
-Whoopsie!
-I'm craig robinson!
299
00:13:09,034 --> 00:13:11,369
Have you seen
my husband?!
300
00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:12,904
Cute butt,
wears a hat?
301
00:13:13,038 --> 00:13:16,039
Yeah, he left with some
bald pervert in a lab coat
302
00:13:16,175 --> 00:13:19,643
Who was trying to hook people
up to a pig-orgasm machine.
303
00:13:19,645 --> 00:13:21,345
Weitzman!
304
00:13:23,783 --> 00:13:25,716
F-15?
305
00:13:25,851 --> 00:13:27,718
No joy! Goodwill!
306
00:13:28,921 --> 00:13:30,854
[ grunting ]
307
00:13:30,856 --> 00:13:32,723
New mission just came in.
Drug bust.
308
00:13:32,858 --> 00:13:36,093
All we need is two black hawks
and a rocket launcher.
309
00:13:36,996 --> 00:13:38,462
Bullock:
What have I done?!
310
00:13:38,597 --> 00:13:42,633
I've gotten rid of everything!
Except my golden skates.
311
00:13:43,803 --> 00:13:48,005
This disco diva
has a few tricks in him yet.
312
00:13:48,141 --> 00:13:51,142
I'll take it from here,
gentlemen.
313
00:13:51,276 --> 00:13:53,677
Off I go!
314
00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:57,214
[ grunting ]
315
00:13:57,350 --> 00:14:00,284
Smith,
can I get a push?
316
00:14:01,773 --> 00:14:03,688
[ beeping ]
317
00:14:03,689 --> 00:14:06,557
Behold!
The porkgasm 5000!
318
00:14:08,161 --> 00:14:10,894
Cool. But why did you
build this, again?
319
00:14:11,030 --> 00:14:14,231
I believe if humans were
as sexually satisfied as pigs,
320
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:15,833
World peace
would be imminent.
321
00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:17,301
Sure...
322
00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:18,902
So, how does it work?
323
00:14:18,904 --> 00:14:22,640
The porkgasm 5000 bypasses
your prefrontal cortex
324
00:14:22,775 --> 00:14:25,108
And connects directly
to your "spank bank,"
325
00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:26,577
Accessing your turn-ons
326
00:14:26,712 --> 00:14:29,713
And amplifying them
five thousand times
327
00:14:29,715 --> 00:14:32,516
To give you your
most bestest orgasm ever!
328
00:14:32,651 --> 00:14:34,852
Sounds
super scientific.
329
00:14:34,854 --> 00:14:38,789
But if it's going to save
my marriage, I'll try anything.
330
00:14:38,924 --> 00:14:40,791
[ whirring ]
331
00:14:40,926 --> 00:14:42,793
Alright, mister doctor,
332
00:14:42,928 --> 00:14:45,663
Which nose hole
do I put my wiener in?
333
00:14:45,798 --> 00:14:48,265
The helmet
goes on your head.
334
00:14:48,267 --> 00:14:50,301
[ beeping ]
335
00:14:53,006 --> 00:14:54,137
[ pig snorts ]
336
00:14:54,139 --> 00:14:55,338
There!
337
00:14:55,340 --> 00:14:57,875
All ready to
get piggy with it.
338
00:14:57,877 --> 00:14:59,210
[ zap ]
339
00:14:59,344 --> 00:15:00,811
[ moans echoing ]
340
00:15:04,283 --> 00:15:05,816
[ beeping ]
341
00:15:07,887 --> 00:15:09,953
Ugg-ugg, baby.
342
00:15:09,955 --> 00:15:11,154
Let's play doctor.
343
00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:13,156
Wanna do it
gorilla-style?
344
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:15,358
You can
leave your hat on.
345
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:17,561
Can we talk first?
346
00:15:17,696 --> 00:15:20,030
Any of you want to
share your feelings?
347
00:15:20,165 --> 00:15:22,099
I share feelings!
348
00:15:22,101 --> 00:15:24,568
Good feelings!
[ moans ]
349
00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:28,171
This is, uh,
not boding well for me.
350
00:15:28,307 --> 00:15:29,707
[ beeping ]
351
00:15:29,842 --> 00:15:32,443
You should be in hog heaven
by now, buddy.
352
00:15:32,578 --> 00:15:35,112
[ steady beeping ]
353
00:15:35,248 --> 00:15:37,781
Hmmm. No response.
354
00:15:37,783 --> 00:15:40,183
Maybe the oink factor's
too low.
355
00:15:40,184 --> 00:15:43,321
Paper towels! Paper towels!
[ electricity crackling ]
356
00:15:43,322 --> 00:15:45,423
[ screaming ]
357
00:15:50,196 --> 00:15:51,528
[ knock on door ]
358
00:15:51,664 --> 00:15:54,064
[ gasps ] two visitors
in one day?!
359
00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:55,732
Ha! Best day ever!
360
00:15:55,733 --> 00:15:57,469
What have you done
with my husband?!
361
00:15:57,470 --> 00:15:58,936
Jeff's your husband?
362
00:15:58,938 --> 00:16:02,006
Oh! You're the one
who won't meet his needs.
363
00:16:02,141 --> 00:16:04,475
I can totally see that.
364
00:16:04,611 --> 00:16:06,744
Cut the crap, weitzman!
If jeff okay?
365
00:16:06,879 --> 00:16:09,213
Oh! Right!
He's being electrocuted!
366
00:16:09,348 --> 00:16:11,015
[ grunting ]
367
00:16:11,150 --> 00:16:12,917
[ screaming ]
368
00:16:14,353 --> 00:16:17,555
Wooo!
Shake it, honey!
369
00:16:18,357 --> 00:16:19,890
Hey, girl. 'sup?
370
00:16:19,892 --> 00:16:21,826
[ grunting ]
371
00:16:25,498 --> 00:16:27,832
[deep voice echoing]
mama want!
372
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:30,368
[ screaming ]
373
00:16:33,239 --> 00:16:35,039
Oh, my god! Jeff!
374
00:16:35,174 --> 00:16:37,508
Oh, my god!
P-p-p-porky!
375
00:16:37,510 --> 00:16:39,443
What did you do to him,
you monster?!
376
00:16:39,578 --> 00:16:41,268
Technically,
you did this to him.
377
00:16:41,269 --> 00:16:44,249
He wanted to remove his need
for intimacy to make you happy.
378
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:47,251
You wanna see a monster,
look in the mirror, honey.
379
00:16:47,386 --> 00:16:49,654
[ sobbing ]
just unplug it!
380
00:16:49,788 --> 00:16:52,723
Can't! If jeff doesn't
orgasm in the machine,
381
00:16:52,725 --> 00:16:55,860
He'll never orgasm again
in real life!
382
00:16:55,995 --> 00:16:58,629
It's a small design flaw
I don't like to dwell on.
383
00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:02,199
[ electricity crackles ]
384
00:17:02,335 --> 00:17:04,735
I'm going in.
I'm his wife.
385
00:17:04,737 --> 00:17:07,938
And if anyone can make him
orgasm like a pig...
386
00:17:08,074 --> 00:17:10,140
It's me.
387
00:17:10,142 --> 00:17:11,809
[ pig snorts ]
388
00:17:11,944 --> 00:17:13,410
[ zap ]
389
00:17:13,412 --> 00:17:14,979
[ slurping ]
390
00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:19,149
Babe?
Is that real you?
391
00:17:19,151 --> 00:17:20,284
Jeff!
392
00:17:20,285 --> 00:17:21,819
I've gotta
make you climax,
393
00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:23,688
Or we're never
getting out of here!
394
00:17:23,822 --> 00:17:27,291
But I need intimacy to do that,
and you don't want it!
395
00:17:27,426 --> 00:17:29,159
I do want it!
396
00:17:29,161 --> 00:17:30,427
It's just...
397
00:17:30,563 --> 00:17:32,497
There's things
I'm ashamed of.
398
00:17:32,631 --> 00:17:35,299
[ grunts ]
quit it! Like what, babe?
399
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:38,569
My first...
Sexual experience.
400
00:17:38,571 --> 00:17:42,173
It's so embarrassing,
I'm afraid you'll judge me.
401
00:17:42,308 --> 00:17:44,041
I could never judge you.
402
00:17:44,176 --> 00:17:46,443
This is a safe space.
403
00:17:46,445 --> 00:17:48,979
[ object bouncing ]
404
00:17:48,981 --> 00:17:50,114
Oh, no.
405
00:17:50,249 --> 00:17:51,382
Is that a basketball?
406
00:17:51,517 --> 00:17:54,451
Wait. Did you
lose your virginity
407
00:17:54,587 --> 00:17:56,120
To a basketball player?!
408
00:17:56,255 --> 00:17:57,788
Was it shaq? Lebron?!
409
00:17:57,924 --> 00:17:59,957
The great
james naismith?!
410
00:18:02,128 --> 00:18:03,594
I'm confused.
411
00:18:03,596 --> 00:18:06,997
I was at the park one day,
mindin' my business...
412
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:10,467
??
413
00:18:10,603 --> 00:18:11,736
A little help?
414
00:18:11,871 --> 00:18:14,405
??
415
00:18:14,540 --> 00:18:16,107
[ ting! ]
416
00:18:19,011 --> 00:18:21,421
Hayley: After a while,
I got tired of standing,
417
00:18:21,547 --> 00:18:24,481
So I sat on a basketball.
418
00:18:24,617 --> 00:18:27,552
And suddenly,
for the first time,
419
00:18:27,686 --> 00:18:30,855
I felt feelings...
Down there.
420
00:18:32,759 --> 00:18:35,626
Thank you for being
intimate with me, babe.
421
00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:37,694
I've never
felt closer to you!
422
00:18:37,696 --> 00:18:40,631
Stop! Don't you dare
stick him down there!
423
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,299
Use this instead!
424
00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:44,234
[deep voice]
basketball?!
425
00:18:44,236 --> 00:18:46,704
Mama want!
426
00:18:50,910 --> 00:18:52,176
[ moans softly ]
427
00:18:52,311 --> 00:18:54,779
??
428
00:18:54,913 --> 00:18:59,516
So...A basketball was
my first sexual partner.
429
00:18:59,517 --> 00:19:01,119
You don't think
I'm a big weirdo?
430
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,054
Of course I do,
but I love you anyway.
431
00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:06,056
And I'm really turned on.
432
00:19:06,192 --> 00:19:07,257
You are?
433
00:19:07,259 --> 00:19:08,593
Wait. I am, too!
434
00:19:08,594 --> 00:19:10,261
Quick!
Tell me another secret!
435
00:19:10,262 --> 00:19:13,664
Okay. Um, my adult teeth
never came in.
436
00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:14,999
These are my baby teeth.
437
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,802
Luckily, they're
freakishly large.
438
00:19:16,803 --> 00:19:18,803
I pee in the shower
sometimes.
439
00:19:18,937 --> 00:19:21,538
I pee in the shower
every time.
440
00:19:21,540 --> 00:19:24,341
[ both moaning ]
441
00:19:24,477 --> 00:19:27,544
Sex. Sex.
442
00:19:27,546 --> 00:19:30,481
Sexxxxx! Ohh!
443
00:19:30,483 --> 00:19:33,283
Here we goooooo!
444
00:19:33,285 --> 00:19:35,419
Both: Whoaaaaa!
445
00:19:35,554 --> 00:19:38,355
What?! They're porkgasming
from intimacy?!
446
00:19:38,357 --> 00:19:40,691
Ugh!
This is bullshit!
447
00:19:42,495 --> 00:19:46,297
[ sighs ]
I need a third helmet.
448
00:19:46,432 --> 00:19:48,966
[ reverse signal beeping ]
449
00:19:50,102 --> 00:19:53,237
In the name of the cia
and these skates,
450
00:19:53,372 --> 00:19:55,306
Surrender to justice!
451
00:19:55,441 --> 00:19:56,573
[ guns cock ]
452
00:19:56,575 --> 00:19:58,843
Put down your weapons.
453
00:19:59,978 --> 00:20:01,646
"boogie woogie" bullock?
454
00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:03,980
Randy good times?
455
00:20:03,982 --> 00:20:05,782
I haven't seen you
since -
456
00:20:05,918 --> 00:20:08,853
You beat me in the
disco diva skate-off.
457
00:20:08,987 --> 00:20:10,787
And I turned
to a life of crime
458
00:20:10,923 --> 00:20:12,656
Instead of
having good times.
459
00:20:12,791 --> 00:20:14,725
I'll tell you what,
boogie woogie.
460
00:20:14,727 --> 00:20:16,126
I want a do-over.
461
00:20:16,128 --> 00:20:18,462
And if you win,
you can bust my drugs.
462
00:20:18,597 --> 00:20:20,397
And if you win?
463
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:22,799
I get those fabulous
golden skates.
464
00:20:22,935 --> 00:20:24,935
You're on, good times!
465
00:20:24,936 --> 00:20:26,804
[ funky music plays ]
[ bone cracks ]
466
00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:28,739
Aah! My hip!
467
00:20:30,209 --> 00:20:32,543
I've had mine replaced!
468
00:20:32,678 --> 00:20:36,613
[ jeff and hayley moaning ]
469
00:20:36,749 --> 00:20:38,349
[ both sigh ]
470
00:20:38,484 --> 00:20:40,017
Sometimes after sex,
471
00:20:40,152 --> 00:20:42,953
I like to fantasize
about medieval times -
472
00:20:42,955 --> 00:20:45,725
The dinner and tournament,
not the historical period.
473
00:20:45,824 --> 00:20:48,759
Babe, when you're
intimate like that,
474
00:20:48,761 --> 00:20:50,427
You turn "after sex"
475
00:20:50,563 --> 00:20:53,697
Into "right before sex."
476
00:20:53,832 --> 00:20:56,233
[ both moaning ]
477
00:20:56,368 --> 00:20:58,302
Eww! Get a room!
478
00:20:58,437 --> 00:21:00,638
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
479
00:21:00,688 --> 00:21:05,238
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