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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760
When you sent me that message,
it got my hopes up.
2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,040
I thought it might be a booty call.
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,360
Argh! My God, she's deranged!
4
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,680
Nic!
5
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:10,720
Did you know she told Harry
6
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,520
to play that recording of you
at the memorial?
7
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,040
Harry, did Mummy make you
play that video...
8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,720
Don't, Nic! Yes or no? Let him talk!
How dare you?!
9
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,480
It's the most heinous thing...
10
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:21,800
Shit. No, no, no,
that's the wrong one.
11
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,920
You deleted it?
What was the other video?
12
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,920
Nothing. You got what you wanted.
Jen!
13
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,720
I killed him.
14
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,440
She could be anywhere.
15
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,000
I think I've found her.
16
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,360
DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS
17
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,040
MUSIC REACHES CLIMAX
18
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,280
We can't keep coming here
every day, you know.
19
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,040
If I saw her here,
then I'll see her again.
20
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,360
She's got to walk past
at some point.
21
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,560
Look, I think you should try
and just let this go now.
22
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,200
All this stress is no good
for the baby. I'm fine.
23
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,040
Right, I'm calling it. Come on.
I can't. You can.
24
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,360
I wouldn't be able to live
with myself.
25
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,560
You shouldn't even be the one
saying that, I should.
26
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,280
I mean, do you not realise
how incredible you are
27
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,920
for actually wanting
to do something about it?
28
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,520
I didn't, did I?
And I should have done.
29
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,520
Come on.
30
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,760
You just need to let it go,
focus on all the good things
31
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,560
that are happening.
You're about to have a baby.
32
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,280
And...
33
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,040
..maybe...
34
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,760
Maybe I could be a part
of this baby's life with you.
35
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,080
Let me come to your NCT class.
36
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,680
And then when we get home we can
run a nice hot bubble bath together.
37
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,560
Love your bubbling body
in the bath tub.
38
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,280
THEY LAUGH
39
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,680
MESSAGE ALERT
40
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,040
What day are we going over there?
41
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,520
I don't know,
but he promised it'll be a day
42
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,760
when we get the whole house
to ourselves.
43
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,760
I'm just kind of nervous to go
because he's got a real thing
44
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,520
for blow jobs but, like,
it's not really my thing.
45
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,040
MESSAGE ALERT
46
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,120
What am I supposed to do while
you're giving him a blow job?
47
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,760
I don't know, Lauren.
48
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,360
Just do what normal people do
and go on your phone!
49
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,720
It's 9am.
50
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,280
Yeah, and I'm an alcoholic and
I'm depressed and I want a drink.
51
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,760
Your honesty is actually
really refreshing.
52
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,680
There was a woman
that used to come in here
53
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,440
and she'd buy a bottle
of Jack Daniel's
54
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,640
and then she'd buy a gift bag for it
and she'd put it in the gift bag
55
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,760
and pretend it was
a present for someone.
56
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,440
Yeah, that was me.
57
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,040
Oh, yeah, that was you.
58
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,280
Oh, yes, tissues. I literally
just run out of wank tissues...
59
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,040
Right, take my money.
60
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,280
I want some dunkers as well, Kurtan.
61
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,760
Get it yourself, Kerry,
you big lazy ox.
62
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,160
Absolute loon.
63
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,400
Oi! Go, Kurtan, go!
64
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,280
Faster, Kurtan! Faster!
65
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,040
Don't look back, Kurtan!
66
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,400
Kids, eh?
67
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,400
Sad thing is
they're both in their late 30s.
68
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,280
KNOCKING ON DOOR
69
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,920
Can I help you? Erm, sorry...
70
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:35,880
It said on Google that this was the
address for Rasputin's IT Solutions?
71
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,280
Yeah.
72
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,800
Jurgen!
73
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,640
Have we met?
74
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,280
I don't think so.
75
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,240
Hmm, not in this lifetime, then.
76
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,560
He with you?
77
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,040
Who?
78
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,880
The thin fella with the hood
and the scythe.
79
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,280
What are you talking about?
80
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,640
Don't worry. Come in, then.
Not you. You stay out!
81
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,080
Come.
82
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,520
No!
83
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000
OK. Jurgs!
84
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,240
I don't know where he is.
He's somewhere.
85
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,040
Huh. That's a nice picture.
86
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,800
Really nice colours in that one.
87
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,120
I looked through your videos
but I don't see the deleted files.
88
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:35,520
Either you didn't delete it
or you are, how do you say...
89
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,440
..a compulsive liar.
90
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,520
What?! No, I didn't delete it.
I told you, someone sent it to me
91
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,520
and they deleted it from the chat
before I could watch it all.
92
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,120
Ah, OK. OK.
93
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,760
Do you see what I'm saying?
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
94
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,840
So, do you think you can
get it back? No.
95
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,240
Are you crazy? It's gone.
96
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:59,120
Oh, come on! You lot can hack the
White House and the MOD and shit!
97
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:02,080
Tell me what you mean by "you lot".
The Dutch?
98
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,680
No! Nerds!
99
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,280
Ah, OK.
100
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,320
Still offensive. A little less so.
101
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,840
Oh!
102
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,520
ANNOUNCER: The next train
at Platform 1...
103
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:14,280
LAUGHTER
104
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,600
Bingo.
105
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,640
God, I hate that coat.
106
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,520
Who does she think she looks like?
David Jason?
107
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,520
No, wait. Come on, Suz,
just let me do this, please.
108
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,520
You're going to tell her she's
a shit mum. Jesus Christ, Suz.
109
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,120
And you're going to tell her
she's fat.
110
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,240
Obese, even.
111
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,560
OK, this is getting ridiculous now.
What am I supposed to say to her?
112
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,600
Call her a fat bitch, fat slag?
113
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,040
Hey, fatty boom boom,
have another cream pie?!
114
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,920
This is not a joke, Alex.
Yes, I know it's not a joke.
115
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:57,040
Why is this so hard for you?
116
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,520
Because you're still in love
with her? I'm not in love with her.
117
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,680
I was never in love with her.
118
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,040
It's...
119
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:13,040
She was the only person who didn't
make me feel completely incompetent.
120
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,040
You, Dan, Mum...
121
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,520
..all of you my entire life
made me feel like a LeFou.
122
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,400
She made me feel like a Gaston.
SUPPRESSED LAUGH
123
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,040
There we go. Exactly!
124
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,520
You're going to tell her...
HE SIGHS
125
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,520
..the sex was fine,
but she needs to lose some weight.
126
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,040
That will kill her.
127
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,960
Even more than the bad mum stuff.
Fuck's sake.
128
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,360
And you're going to tell her
her fanny stinks
129
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,640
like fish fingers
left out in the sun.
130
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,120
No!
131
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,280
That's where I draw the line.
132
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,840
Fine!
133
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,240
I do love you.
Text me when you've done it.
134
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,520
HE SNIFFS
135
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,040
Mmm.
136
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,080
Did you just sniff me?
137
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,880
Can I ask you a question?
138
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,400
Will you be my friend?
139
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,600
No. Over email? Give me my phone.
140
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,600
Just message? Yeah, no. Erm... Er...
141
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,760
I think she liked me.
142
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,160
No, she's gone.
143
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,520
Oh, well.
Time for some Mr Bean, I think.
144
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,440
Where's your god now, Furby?
145
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,840
What are you watching?
146
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,040
That Furby's going to get
absolutely creamed. Yeah.
147
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,760
LOUD THUD
BOTH: Oooh!
148
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,760
Can't you watch something else?
It's only a Furby.
149
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,720
Guess who's dead. Hm?
Guess who's dead.
150
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,960
Erm, a member of the royal family?
No.
151
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,240
Local. Like, not...not famous.
152
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,520
Ooh, please say Malcolm
from next door?
153
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,320
No. Oh!
154
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:15,120
Erm... Er... Boss-eyed
trolley boy from Waitrose? No.
155
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,600
That lollipop lady
who doesn't wear a bra? No.
156
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,600
Light bulb head man,
wears Jamiroquai hat,
157
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,120
walks his dogs at midnight?
Yeah, what is with that guy?
158
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,760
What's with the hat? I know.
159
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,040
Baggott. Oh! Baggott is dead.
160
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,720
Oh, my God, no! Yeah.
161
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,400
When?
A couple of weeks ago, apparently.
162
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,800
The spirits did tell me a month ago.
163
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,040
I was going to warn her but then...
I got distracted by a sudoku.
164
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,400
But a very, very tricky one,
I've got to add.
165
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,000
Do we know how she died?
The spirits didn't say.
166
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,080
I bet Jen found her.
167
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,160
What's that supposed to mean?
168
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,920
Oh, God.
MESSAGE ALERT
169
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,760
My God!
170
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,680
Lucy will know.
She's such a nosy bitch.
171
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,520
Oh!
172
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,120
Guess who's been arrested. Who?
173
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,560
Light bulb head man. What for?
174
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,360
Dogging.
175
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,040
That explains the dog walking
at midnight, doesn't it?
176
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,600
It does.
It doesn't explain the hat though.
177
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,040
No. How do you know about dogging?
178
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,280
Do you think 50 quiches
is going to be enough?
179
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:25,720
Oh, God, yeah.
I mean, I imagine, other than us,
180
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,840
the only people that are going
are Daphne and the cab driver
181
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,480
that used to run her up to
big Morrisons, bless her. OK.
182
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,040
How is she?
183
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,720
Well, she's not well, Nic,
obviously. She's dead.
184
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,760
Oh, not Mrs Baggott. Jen!
Right. God, yeah...
185
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,240
Jesus.
186
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,360
She's still a slag.
Not her usual massive slaggy self
187
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,360
but maybe, like, grieving slag.
What does that mean?
188
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,040
Well...
189
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,280
..she's a bit weepy, but still
looking over her shoulder for cock,
190
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,040
so she's...
PRETENDS TO CRY
191
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,520
I've thought about calling her
but she was so angry with me
192
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,000
last time I saw her
I just don't know what to do.
193
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,240
What did you two fall out over?
Was it cock?
194
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:14,360
No! What, she borrowed a DVD, did
she? Bring it scratched. Typical!
195
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,760
No. It's not 2004.
196
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,360
That's...
197
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,040
FRONT DOOR OPENS
Ah!
198
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,040
Back from your Hong Kong
business trip, are you? Yeah.
199
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,560
Yeah? Still shagging that whore?
200
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,440
Like you wouldn't believe.
201
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,520
Guess who's shagging the PE teacher.
202
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:33,160
It's not me.
203
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,120
We've got that, erm, dinner...
dinner party with Matt and Sophie
204
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,680
at the weekend. Right.
I'm having a shower. Great.
205
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,760
Oh, my God.
206
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,520
Everything makes sense now.
207
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,040
What do you mean? Well, the
stand-up comedy, the PTA shit,
208
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,520
you eating that spring onion raw.
209
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,680
Just leave the bastard.
No, Nic, I can't leave him.
210
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,640
I physically can't. Why?!
211
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:07,040
OK, if I tell you this, please will
you promise not to tell anybody?
212
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,720
Oh, my God, of course.
213
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:14,040
Erm, we're both tied into this
joint Virgin Active gym membership
214
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,640
until next March.
215
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,120
Right.
216
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,080
It's 230 quid.
217
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,240
Can you just take me to go and see
Jen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall we go?
218
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,200
I think Mr Woodbead's really good
for you, you know. Do you?
219
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,200
I do, yeah. Do you know
he's a proper entrepreneur?
220
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,760
He's got this amazing idea. He's
going to take it on Dragons' Den.
221
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,200
Right. It's a port-a-potty
for Glastonbury
222
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,600
that converts your shit and piss
into energy
223
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,280
in order to charge your phone.
224
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,560
Oh, right. Yeah. And he was
in Waitrose the other day
225
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,280
and he got me this recipe card
for a flapjack
226
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,040
cos he thought I'd like to bake it.
How cute is that? Ah, that's sweet.
227
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:56,520
And he just takes his shoes off,
he puts his glass in the dishwasher
228
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,280
and I think the most important
thing for me personally
229
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,200
is that he's just got this
lovely, straight, normal cock.
230
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,240
Right, let's go! Yeah. Let's go.
231
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,360
So, what do you think?
232
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,600
Have you put filler in her lips?
Yes.
233
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,040
Wow.
234
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,920
That has made a real difference.
Yeah.
235
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,920
Well, it's taken years off her.
236
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,000
You know I could give her
a non-surgical nose job?
237
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,080
Oh, no, no. I think that
might be a bit too much.
238
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,040
God.
239
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,040
I just wish she could see
240
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,920
how much that's really
balanced out her features.
241
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,080
God, why is life so shit?
242
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,760
It's a lot, yeah. Yeah.
243
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:41,960
Hi.
244
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,520
Hi.
245
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,680
Oh... I'm so glad you're here.
246
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,520
I'm so glad I'm here.
247
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,960
Oh, hi, Jesus.
248
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,360
Yeah, I don't know you.
249
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,720
Nic. You did my wedding.
250
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,520
I've done a lot of weddings.
251
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,520
But don't worry, I'll remember you.
You're my first funeral.
252
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,520
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
OK.
253
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,280
Yeah, sorry, I'm going to need
to take this. It's my lawyer.
254
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,040
I'm going through a very messy
custody battle with my ex
255
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,920
over our chinchilla. Chinchilla.
Hello...
256
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,680
Why you laughing?
257
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,400
Hello? I'm not laughing.
258
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,280
No, he cannot have Alan
on a Wednesday!
259
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,960
Well, I'm sorry,
I've got a busy work schedule, too.
260
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,040
Yeah, I'm working two jobs,
actually!
261
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,280
No, don't play with me!
DOOR SLAMS
262
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,440
She was totally fine.
She was in great spirits.
263
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,480
She'd come over to watch
Magic Mike's Last Dance.
264
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,520
She just... She just loved...
265
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,280
The helicoptering, yeah.
Channing Tatum. Yeah, yeah.
266
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,800
And then...
267
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,520
..she started, like...
268
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,520
She started, like,
breathing really heavily.
269
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,560
And I thought she was just
getting a bit turned on.
270
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,360
You know?
271
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,280
So I just looked away.
272
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,040
But when I went to wake her up
to take her home, she...
273
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,520
And all the breathing,
it must have...
274
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,800
It must have been a death rattle.
275
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,520
Oh, my God.
276
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,160
I should never have agreed
to let her watch it.
277
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:20,280
No. Not that many times. She didn't
have the constitution for it, Nic.
278
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,120
And then I called Daphne,
279
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,040
just, you know, keep an eye on her
while I'm calling the ambulance,
280
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,280
and while I'm on the phone
I turn round
281
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:34,800
and I see Daphne is prying the boots
off of her cold, dead feet.
282
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,280
Oh, my...!
283
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:40,760
And she's going, "Well, we can't
let a perfectly good pair of Dunes
284
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,920
"go to waste, darling!"
285
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,520
You know?
286
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,520
And then she said...
287
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,280
.."She won't need them
where she's going, darling!"
288
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:53,040
And she didn't point up there, Nic.
289
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,040
She pointed down there!
290
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,040
Oh, my God.
291
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,480
Oh, mate, I'm so sorry.
292
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,320
What can I do?
Please, can I do something?
293
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,920
Nothing. I just...
294
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,520
It's all sorted now anyway.
Jesus was the last thing I had to...
295
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,240
Right, let's polish this turd.
296
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,840
Jesus Christ, Jesus!
297
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,120
They didn't look like that earlier.
They're definitely getting bigger!
298
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,440
It's probably just a slight
allergic reaction
299
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,760
How can she be having an allergic
reaction to lip filler? She's dead.
300
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,280
Well, the thing is,
I didn't use lip filler. Huh?
301
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,560
I used a type of filler.
What type of filler?
302
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,120
Expanding filler.
303
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,360
Oh! What?! No, it's fine.
304
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,080
It's industry standard. It's a kind
of expanding foam, kind of...
305
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,520
Oh, my God!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
306
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,040
Oh, shit, it's Baggott's grandson!
307
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,280
Erm...
308
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,960
Hi!
309
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,280
They're getting bigger.
It will settle.
310
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,320
Just keep her away from open flames.
SHE GASPS
311
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,520
What? They're cremating her!
312
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,880
Look, yeah, I couldn't afford
the proper stuff,
313
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,280
because every single penny
I'm getting right now
314
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,840
has to go for the fight for Alan.
315
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,280
You do not understand
what I've been going through.
316
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,120
That bastard had Alan for one week
and he comes back to my house
317
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,280
four pounds overweight.
Do you have any idea
318
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,120
what an extra four pounds of fat
looks like on a chinchilla?!
319
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,600
He looked like a football. The
bastard had been feeding him KFC!
320
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,120
I'm so sorry.
321
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,040
Napkins. Oh, my...
322
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,760
LOUD CRASH
What was that?
323
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,360
Oh, shit!
324
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,400
MICROWAVE BEEPS AND SPARKS
Yeah, that is going to be roasted.
325
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,040
Shall I?
Yeah, let it out, let it out.
326
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,040
Whoa, that is smoky.
327
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,680
Oh, can I go down to the cellar
and get the Christmas decorations?
328
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,680
Especially that can of snow,
that'll explode nicely. Yeah?
329
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:18,880
No, cos the stairs are rotten,
330
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,520
you'll fall through
and break your neck.
331
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,440
What the hell is going on?
332
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,040
What are you doing?! Science.
333
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,000
What's in there?
What's in the microwave?
334
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,640
Mum, calm down. It's only a piece
of magnesium wrapped in tinfoil,
335
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:35,000
balancing on top of hairspray.
Absolutely not. Get it out now!
336
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,080
Oh, Mum, you're so boring!
337
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:40,760
Can I have a word with you, please,
over there? Don't tell him off.
338
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,320
I wasn't, I wasn't.
339
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,680
Very nice frizz, that. Oh, thanks.
340
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,520
Did you come second in Crufts?
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
341
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,680
Erm, are you sure
you're OK with this? Yeah.
342
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,680
Hang on, what's going on?
343
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,520
Nothing, mate. Don't worry.
344
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,040
DOORBELL
345
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,040
I'll get it. Thank you.
346
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,120
Who's that? Hm?
Who is it, at the door?
347
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,280
Oh... Jen and Harry.
348
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,840
What?!
349
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,760
I need a wee, I need a wee,
I need a wee! Harry, will you...?
350
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,600
You...taken up scuba diving?
351
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,000
No, just muff.
352
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,200
I think I'll just wait
for Nic outside.
353
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,520
Yeah, it's probably
for the best, yeah.
354
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,040
Oh, come on, Ollie,
please don't give me a hard time.
355
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,840
I mean, don't you think
it's just a little bit suspicious
356
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,320
that you've fallen out with Jen
and now suddenly Baggott's dead?
357
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,520
Nic, come on. Surely you've
heard of the psychopath test.
358
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,040
What?! Why does a woman
go to her mother's funeral,
359
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,680
see a bloke she fancies,
go home and kill her sister?
360
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,520
I think I know this one.
361
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,560
Is the guy Irish?
362
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,160
No. No. He's not Irish.
363
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,360
It's because she thinks that the guy
will go to her sister's funeral.
364
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,040
That's how a
psychopath's brain work.
365
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,000
Killing Baggott is her only way
back in with you.
366
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,440
I don't think I like
what you're trying to say!
367
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,960
It doesn't matter if you like it -
it's the truth.
368
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:29,680
Her olive branch to you was homicide
of a vulnerable old woman
369
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,040
who's probably got premium bonds.
370
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,760
I mean, that's how that woman's
brain works. She's not right!
371
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,440
Jen's waiting.
372
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,480
How can you be so bloody stupid?!
Hey, whoa, whoa!
373
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,520
Don't talk to your mum like that.
Dad, surely you can see it too.
374
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,280
You've always said she was a psycho.
375
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,040
Yeah, but I can say that.
I'm an adult, I pay my taxes.
376
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,040
You're choosing her over me,
aren't you? Oh, God, no!
377
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,960
Yes, you are, again!
Oh, Ollie, please.
378
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,280
You know what? It's times
like these I know exactly why
379
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,120
Macaulay Culkin divorced
his parents.
380
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,040
Right, I'm not going
Hey, you've got to go.
381
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,280
I can't, not when he's that upset.
382
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,040
No, you're going to go,
and you're just going to take
383
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,920
as long as you need, all right?
384
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,120
Ollie's just so...
385
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,040
Well, Ollie will be OK.
386
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,440
I'll just whack the iPad
in the microwave and...
387
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,040
No microwaves. No microwaves.
Please, no microwaves.
388
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,280
I promise, no microwaves,
no microwaves, OK?
389
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,800
OK. Thank you.
390
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,440
Thank you.
391
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:34,280
You know, despite everything else
falling apart...
392
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,600
..we've gotten stronger, haven't we?
393
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,040
Yeah.
394
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,760
GROAN TUBE GROANS
395
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,040
You all right, mate? Oh, God.
How long has he been there?
396
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,120
I don't know,
but he gives me the creeps.
397
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,520
You all right?
398
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,280
Are we the only women here?
399
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,120
Yeah, I think so.
400
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,840
Daphne was in charge
of the guest list.
401
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,520
Had him.
402
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,280
Haven't had him.
403
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,640
There's still time.
404
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,520
Jen, I swear to you, I've made
50 quiches, and they've just...
405
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,680
They've evaporated into thin...
You saw, didn't you?
406
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,320
Yeah. There were Lorraines
and a spring onion one, and...
407
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,000
Look, Lucy, just don't.
408
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,760
No, listen, I boxed them up
and I put them in the car...
409
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,720
Oh, bollocks. What?
410
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,920
There's no quiches. And, Nic,
I'm very sorry but your cat's dead.
411
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,080
Oh, not again.
412
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,120
Well, just don't worry about it,
Lucy, OK?
413
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,760
I don't think people are bothered
about eating at these things,
414
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,120
they're more interested in the booze
and we've got loads of that.
415
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,560
Well, we did have loads of that,
look.
416
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,440
Ugh, Daphne!
417
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,440
Don't be angry, darling.
418
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,040
I'm raising a glass
to the old bitch, darling.
419
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,880
I just... I can't deal with this.
420
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,680
Oh... I actually can't.
I need to get hold of her grandson.
421
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,280
He's supposed to be doing
the eulogy, he's not even here.
422
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,720
Have you called him? I can't find
my pissing phone anywhere!
423
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,760
I wouldn't have left it in your car?
Can you...? Yes, of course.
424
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,080
Yeah? No problem. All right.
Thanks, Lucy.
425
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,760
Oh, God, the smell of Old Spice
in here makes me want to barf.
426
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,080
Oh, my God, Jack Tanner,
the butcher's boy.
427
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,680
I thought he died.
428
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,040
Oh, darling!
I knew you'd come, darling.
429
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,080
Couldn't keep away, darling.
430
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,920
Is that rickets, darling,
or are you pleased to see me?
431
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,120
Oi, why are you not playing
with Harry?
432
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,560
I don't want to play with him.
You play with him.
433
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,040
I don't want to play with him.
He's not my friend.
434
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,440
MESSAGE ALERTS
He's not my friend either.
435
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,200
Honestly, he's an idiot.
436
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,280
He thinks you can catch meningitis
from charity shop toys.
437
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,920
MESSAGE ALERTS
438
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,120
Look what I'm wearing.
439
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,040
Oh, God, that's my favourite.
You're giving me a semi already.
440
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:06,120
Let's go upstairs, then. Actually,
no, just quickly come in here.
441
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:07,520
Please.
442
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,520
The baby-sitter's not shown up yet,
so... I'm sorry.
443
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,280
Just let Lauren look after them.
Absolutely not. She's an imbecile.
444
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,680
Who are you?
445
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,200
Father Christmas.
446
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,040
Oh, I knew you'd do this.
You're just breadcrumbing me!
447
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,520
I'm not breadcrumbing you!
I love you.
448
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,360
What else have you got in here?
449
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,040
You're always making excuses.
450
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,400
I promise, the boys were supposed
to be out the house by now.
451
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,240
Some Frubes, I think. Nice.
452
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,360
Look how attracted to you I am.
My boner's like the Eiffel Tower.
453
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,760
Look at that.
454
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,280
Dan, I'm serious!
455
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,040
OK.
456
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,000
I'll find a backup plan.
Meet me at the usual place.
457
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,440
Please don't touch my Huel.
458
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,320
You know he's never
going to leave her.
459
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,440
He will when he finds out
I've not been taking the pill.
460
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,360
You're not pregnant, are you?
461
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,080
Where is he?
462
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,720
SCREECHING DISTORTION
463
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,640
What is this? Now a duet me
and the old bitch used to sing.
464
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:27,760
# Nothing is so good
it lasts eternally
465
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:41,600
# But this has never yet
prevented me... #
466
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,440
This song's about me.
467
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,440
DOORBELL
468
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,920
Ah, come in.
469
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,040
Thank you. That's OK. Work called
and Nic's got this bloody funeral
470
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,120
and I've got to sort this...
It's fine, Dan.
471
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,840
OK. The boys are upstairs,
they shouldn't be any trouble.
472
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:59,440
I'll be one or two hours, tops.
Take as long as you need.
473
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,360
Thank you. You're a life saver.
Help yourself to whatever...
474
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,480
..wine! Ooh, thanks.
475
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:10,760
# But it took time
to understand the man
476
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:14,760
# Now at least I know
I know him well... #
477
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,520
DISTRESSING NOISE
478
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,840
I have to get out of here.
479
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:31,040
# But in the end he needs
a little bit more than me
480
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,040
# More security... #
481
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,400
It's fine.
482
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,280
Sorry, sorry...
483
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:41,120
# I know him so well... #
484
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,440
Jen?
485
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,520
DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS
486
00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,120
DISTRESSING MUSIC STOPS
487
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,040
Come on, Ollie. Are you coming
back upstairs to play with Harry?
488
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,520
He won't come up. He hates me.
489
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,760
Ollie!
490
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,360
How do I buy V-Bucks on the phone?
Can you do it?
491
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,480
You're a bit young
for a phone, aren't you?
492
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,240
It's not mine, it's my mum's.
493
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,360
While you do that,
can I try a beer from the fridge?
494
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:26,040
Yeah, whatever.
495
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:41,280
NIC: And it's the most heinous
thing that anybody could do.
496
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,040
Oh, God, you're not a nonce,
are you?
497
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,040
Oh, my God, no!
498
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,920
OK, no, fine, sorry.
499
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,360
Erm, I don't know what, then. What?
500
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,760
Alex...
501
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,280
What?
502
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,840
I killed him.
503
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,760
I killed him.
504
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,720
What? Oh, God, I can't believe
I just said that out loud.
505
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,280
I killed him.
506
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,040
I killed him.
507
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,840
You know when the doors were closing
and I said that it's because we...
508
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,040
..we were hugging... Yeah.
We weren't hugging. I just...
509
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,520
He'd dumped me and I was so angry...
510
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,120
No, fuck off!
511
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:24,520
Nic!
512
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,400
What the hell? This is...
This is Sam, Mrs Baggott's grandson.
513
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,040
LOUD BANG
514
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,120
Fuck! Her lips have exploded!
FIRE ALARM
515
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,840
MUFFLED SINGING
516
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,120
Nic!
517
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,840
# Now at least I know
518
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,240
# I know him well
519
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,120
# Wasn't it good
520
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,680
# Wasn't he fine... #
521
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,440
Suz, I'm back.
522
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,880
Sorry I'm late.
523
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,760
Took longer than expected.
524
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,840
Well, where's Suz?
525
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,520
Oh, she had to go.
Her car's outside.
526
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:20,760
OK.
527
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,040
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
528
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,120
She's left her phone.
529
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:34,040
OLLIE CHUCKLES
530
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,280
She'd forget her head if it
wasn't screwed on. Women, eh?
531
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:39,520
Did she say where she was going?
532
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,040
No.
533
00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:44,360
No, no idea.
534
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:49,520
# Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide?
535
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,840
# Would I lie to you, baby?
536
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,840
# Would I lie to you?
537
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,280
# Oh, yeah
538
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,040
# Don't you know it's true
539
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,280
# Girl, there's no-one else but you?
540
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,920
# Would I lie to you, baby, yeah?
541
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:04,760
# Would I lie to you, baby?
542
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:08,520
# Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide?
543
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,760
# Would I lie to you, baby?
544
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:12,440
# Would I lie to you? #
545
00:29:12,490 --> 00:29:17,040
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