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1
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,382
Can the lemon in a
lemon muffin go bad?
2
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,297
That's banana.
3
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:23,700
The muffin is, yes. No,
but I'm saying in general.
4
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,168
No, I don't think so.
5
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,192
That's all I'm saying.
6
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,117
♪ Tell me why ♪
7
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,818
♪ I love you like I do ♪
8
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,653
♪ Tell me who ♪
9
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,123
♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪
10
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,991
♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪
11
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,060
♪ And I'll tell you
Most of mine ♪
12
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,229
♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪
13
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:54,664
♪ Well, that's really
true This time ♪
14
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:58,068
♪ I don't have the answers
I don't have a plan ♪
15
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,469
♪ All I have is you ♪
16
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:02,072
♪ So darling Help
me understand ♪
17
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:05,575
♪ What we do You
can whisper in my ear ♪
18
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:06,976
♪ Where we go ♪
19
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,513
♪ Who knows what
happens After here ♪
20
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,515
♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪
21
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:15,952
♪ As we jump into
The final frontier ♪
22
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:18,688
♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
23
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,357
♪ Yeah ♪
24
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:23,927
♪ I'm mad about you ♪
25
00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,884
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪♪
26
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,003
Honey, hurry up.
27
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,106
My parents are picking
up your parents at 7:00.
28
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,574
They'll be here any second.
29
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,841
No, they won't,
30
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:40,610
because my mother will be doing
31
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,579
her purse thing
upstairs for 20 minutes
32
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,081
while your parents
are downstairs
33
00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,116
freezing their
ass off in the car.
34
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,351
Is that the tie my
father gave you?
35
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:49,886
It has ducks.
36
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:52,589
Please?
37
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,824
Tell me how you
got us into this.
38
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,026
They both called at
once. I got sandwiched.
39
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,528
It's that damn call-waiting.
40
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:02,232
You really have to learn
how to say no to your mother.
41
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,501
You're just the guy
to teach me how.
42
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,503
You know what's going to happen,
43
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,072
because she does not know
how to handle her mother.
44
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,507
Am I right or am I right?
45
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,042
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
46
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,978
You wearing my mother's pin?
47
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,502
It hurts my back.
48
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,118
I'm wearing a tie with ducks.
49
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,052
All right already.
50
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:27,557
If I were you, I'd
hide under the bed,
51
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:30,393
because somebody doesn't
know how to handle his mommy.
52
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,829
Do we know where
we're going to eat?
53
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,197
I made reservations at Nagori.
54
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:35,599
My mother hates sushi.
55
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:39,569
She figures why should she
pay If they're not going to cook?
56
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:42,606
How about El Pueblo?
57
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,541
My mother hates Mexican.
What about Da Vinci?
58
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,075
It's terrible. Are you kidding?
59
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:48,845
The waiters sing and
they give you balloons.
60
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,580
Maybe they'll both hate it
61
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,816
and have something to
complain about besides us.
62
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,020
It's not a pin.
It's a wall sconce.
63
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:58,588
Do me a favor.
64
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,525
You're not going to mention
the blender thing, right?
65
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,027
Oh, duh.
66
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,196
You saw me call my
Aunt Selma, right?
67
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,964
And if anybody
mentions quitting my job...
68
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:11,022
I will steer the conversation
straight to my dad's prostate.
69
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,537
And do not mention
70
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,039
that my sister
went to the dentist.
71
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:17,040
Why not?
72
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:18,064
Trust me on that.
73
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:20,043
What can we talk about?
74
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,045
Just... nothing.
Just order and chew.
75
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:25,649
I could fake cramps
during the salad,
76
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,551
and we can go to a movie.
77
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:28,575
Yes?
78
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:30,577
Why?
79
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,057
Tell them we'll come right down.
80
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:38,061
Oh. Two and a half
hours, it'll all be over.
81
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:40,063
I really think we can do it.
82
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,565
We're morons for trying.
83
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:44,568
Sometimes we think
something will be good,
84
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,303
it turns out bad.
85
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:49,072
So this we already
know will be bad.
86
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,907
I think it could turn out good.
87
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,897
And you have a good time.
88
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,024
Your mother or mine?
89
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,026
It's yours.
90
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,628
Hello, Ma.
91
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,129
Ma.
92
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:14,964
Yeah, Ma...
93
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,633
Ma...
94
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:20,637
I'm like a sheep,
but with "M" s.
95
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,138
Ma?
96
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,173
How is that an insult?
97
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:25,642
Look, you wanted the scampi,
98
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,810
and Jamie's mother
wanted the scampi.
99
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,480
Who knew there
would be one order left?
100
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,749
She told her to take it.
101
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,718
And she told you to take it.
102
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:35,822
How is that patronizing?
103
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,688
I'm not using a tone.
104
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:39,889
Listen...
105
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:41,991
She didn't take
the scampi either,
106
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,993
so nobody wins, nobody loses.
107
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,595
You both went scampi-less.
108
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,096
I saw no affront.
109
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,600
You know, Ma, I don't
want to talk about this.
110
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,102
I don't want to discuss it.
111
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,104
Let's move on with our lives.
112
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,606
Have a good night's sleep.
113
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,074
Well, try.
114
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,609
I didn't use a tone.
115
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,110
Don't buy into that.
116
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,612
She creates a tone.
117
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,113
So tell her that.
118
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,815
I'm going to walk Murray.
119
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,983
I need more ice cream.
120
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,084
You don't need more.
121
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:09,108
I need something.
122
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,187
There was no tone.
123
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,122
Oh, sorry. Hang on one second.
124
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,457
Yours.
125
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:19,128
Oh, man, she's
going to be bubbly.
126
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,129
Hi, Mom.
127
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,131
Aw, man, she's bubbly.
128
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,534
Hi. What's the matter?
129
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:27,404
Yes, there is.
130
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:30,640
Mom, nobody calls from a
pay phone on the FDR drive
131
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,208
just to say hello.
132
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,210
What's wrong?
133
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,646
Mom, you didn't
have a wonderful time.
134
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,649
Yes, I can hear the
big smile on your face.
135
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,652
I also know you're
furious. Just say it!
136
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:46,022
Say, "I wanted the
scampi. Now I'm really mad."
137
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,926
You're on the FDR drive.
No one's going to hear you.
138
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,594
Okay, sweet dreams to you.
139
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,229
She blames me!
140
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,364
Why do you say that?
141
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:55,998
Because when we were
leaving the restaurant,
142
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,182
she took me aside and
said, "I don't blame you."
143
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,438
I need more ice cream.
144
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,306
You don't need more ice cream.
145
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,375
I need something.
146
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,043
There's frittata in the swan.
147
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,111
What is wrong with these people?
148
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:10,613
My mother wreaks havoc.
149
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:12,615
She is a havoc wreaker.
150
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:13,850
And then your mother,
151
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,652
she smiles right
through the havoc.
152
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,119
I know.
153
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:19,789
Scampi they argue over!
154
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,826
At least your mother
can express her anxiety.
155
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,562
It's healthy. It's
sick, but it's healthy.
156
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,531
Boy, if you would call
her and tell her that.
157
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,600
See? You cave in every time.
158
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,235
I'm asking you to cave in.
159
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,936
Never going to
happen, my friend.
160
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,972
Don't get mad at me
161
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,974
because you're mad at your
mother for not getting mad.
162
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,576
I'm not mad. I
really hate this swan.
163
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,511
Give me the swan.
164
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:42,945
Let's just go to bed.
165
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,647
Do they see what they do?
166
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,483
How can they not?
167
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,985
Maybe this is what happens
when you become parents.
168
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,087
Promise me we'll
never be like that.
169
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,879
Never. What do they do?
They weld this together.
170
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:02,098
I'll have your phone
working again in no time.
171
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,099
No rush.
172
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,601
You got a bad jack.
173
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,035
I'll replace it.
174
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,837
Sure. May as well.
175
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:11,541
Because if I fix this,
could go bad again.
176
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,443
Nobody likes being
without a phone.
177
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,078
You got friends and
family trying to reach you.
178
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,648
Yeah, well, no rush there.
179
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:19,649
Hey, Pauly, you busy?
180
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:20,950
What are you doing here?
181
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:21,984
Guess what?
182
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:23,019
You bought cake.
183
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,120
I have cake.
184
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,522
You brought cake.
185
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,424
I was given cake.
186
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:29,258
Somebody gave you a cake?
187
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,627
Yeah. Your mother.
188
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:32,128
Oh, what is she doing?
189
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,131
I tried to call. The
phone was out.
190
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,533
He's got a bad jack.
191
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,067
He's going to replace it.
192
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,636
I'm going to replace it.
193
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,170
What is she doing?
194
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:44,307
I don't know who ordered
the scampi, and I don't care.
195
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,375
Your mother calls
me, she feels terrible.
196
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,877
She feels terrible about what?
197
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,779
She's afraid she's putting
you and Jamie in the middle.
198
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,080
She is.
199
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,082
She doesn't want
to aggravate you.
200
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,651
Yet she does.
201
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,052
She wants you
to enjoy this cake.
202
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,555
No, she doesn't. You
don't understand my mother.
203
00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,722
This is cake.
204
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,190
It's not cake. It's a message.
205
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:03,827
Remember Luca Brazzi
Sleeps with the Fishes?
206
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:06,095
What they're holding is a fish.
207
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,998
What they got was a
message... "Luca is dead."
208
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,366
Luca Brazzi. All right.
209
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:13,336
So here we're holding a
cake, but the message is...
210
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,604
Is what?
211
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,606
"I know that you like cake,
212
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,708
and Jamie's
mother is a peasant."
213
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:19,843
It's... it's cake!
214
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:22,111
And why does she involve you?
215
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,613
Because you'll take her side
216
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:25,014
because you find her amusing.
217
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,148
I do.
218
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,050
Because she's your
aunt, not your mother.
219
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,119
Your mother doesn't bother me.
220
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,621
Now that I don't get.
221
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,923
My mother is impossible.
Your mother I adore.
222
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,625
You know what it is?
223
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:39,183
The grass on other people's
mothers is always greener.
224
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,569
Okay, you're going to
feel a little bit of pressure.
225
00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:48,571
What are you doing?
226
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,573
There's potential
hors d'oeuvres in here.
227
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,074
Fran's coming over for dinner.
228
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,576
Oh, don't invite me.
229
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,577
Do you want to come?
230
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:55,700
Can't. I have plans.
231
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,615
Mom's taking me to see Carousel.
232
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,950
She was going to take
me to see Carousel.
233
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,974
Well, that's when you
were the good one.
234
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,588
So you spoke to her?
235
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:06,990
We just had lunch.
236
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,825
We found this great
all-you-can-eat shrimp place.
237
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,393
Perfect.
238
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,061
She also took me shopping.
239
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,596
Hey, what do you think?
240
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,598
Don't you see what she's doing?
241
00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:17,600
I love when she's mad at you.
242
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:20,603
Remember the time she
found out you lost your virginity?
243
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:22,005
I got a toaster oven.
244
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,506
If she's mad,
245
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,474
why can't she stop
smiling and say it?
246
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:28,377
She did say it. She
just said it to me.
247
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,615
Hey, check this out. Pearls!
248
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,752
I can't believe you let her
manipulate you like this.
249
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,253
She's not manipulating me.
250
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,121
She's using me
to manipulate you.
251
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,257
It's not going to
work this time.
252
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,659
Don't fall for it.
253
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,126
I wouldn't even call her.
254
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:45,127
I won't.
255
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:48,019
Promise! I really
want to go to Europe.
256
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,338
I don't know what
the problem is.
257
00:09:56,362 --> 00:09:58,340
I get along great
with my mother.
258
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,142
You moved her to Florida.
259
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,711
She was pale!
260
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,580
Hello.
261
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,581
Hi. What's that?
262
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:05,748
A cake.
263
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,149
Oh, my goodness.
264
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:08,417
What kind?
265
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,152
It's a message cake.
266
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,088
Listen to this. She calls Ira...
267
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,656
Honey, it doesn't matter now.
268
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,157
We'll have a wonderful dinner.
269
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,159
Fran's here. Now
we have dessert.
270
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:19,428
It's not a dessert. It's muscle.
271
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,163
Because she's setting me up.
272
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,832
That is a set-up cake.
273
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,734
My mother makes set-up cookies.
274
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:27,136
Well, not like my
mother makes them.
275
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,171
What... What are you doing?
276
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,173
It's a bird of paradise.
277
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,675
Say hello.
278
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:33,676
Oh, no!
279
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:34,677
What?
280
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,178
You're bubbly.
281
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,682
I got it.
282
00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:41,183
Hello. Buchman residence.
283
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:42,351
It's Fran.
284
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:43,775
Oh, hi, Mrs. Buchman.
285
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,625
No, my husband hasn't
come back to me yet.
286
00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,627
She wants to talk to you.
287
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,829
Ask her if it's about scampi.
288
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,632
He wants to know
if it's about scampi.
289
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:58,635
What tone? I'm not using a tone.
290
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:02,639
See that? She's wreaking
havoc with other people now.
291
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,808
Your mother was
in labor for 26 hours?
292
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,844
I had a very big head.
293
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,880
Tell her I appreciated the
accommodations back then.
294
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:14,416
I am out now, and
get over the scampi.
295
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,153
Mrs. Buchman, hold
on. I've got another call.
296
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:20,189
Hello, Buchman residence.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Stemple.
297
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,190
Yeah, she's right here.
298
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:22,191
No. Forget it.
299
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:23,559
No, she sounds happy!
300
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,061
Of course she does.
301
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,163
Tell her to call
back when she's not.
302
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,132
Mrs. Stemple, can you hold on?
303
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,266
Mrs. Buchman?
304
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,035
I don't want to discuss it.
305
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,170
Mrs. Buchman, can
I tell you something?
306
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,571
Last Labor Day
307
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,073
when Jamie's parents
had that barbecue...
308
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,675
No, no, no, no!
309
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,677
Jamie's mother spent 20 minutes
310
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,046
telling me how
wonderful you were.
311
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,213
What?
312
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,197
Well, I'm sure she
meant to invite you.
313
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,619
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
314
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,621
Hold on a second.
315
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,557
Mrs. Stemple?
316
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:58,016
Uh-huh. Uh-huh!
317
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,231
Well, I'm just going to eat.
318
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,101
How can you eat
at a time like this?
319
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,136
Well, every time's
a time like this
320
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,938
since you recommended
the scampi.
321
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,272
I'm sorry?
322
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:11,841
Forget it.
323
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,342
What... What is that?
324
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,477
You're blaming me for this now?
325
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:18,480
Well, you were pushing
it like nobody's business.
326
00:12:18,504 --> 00:12:21,350
Try the scampi! You've
never seen such scampi.
327
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,419
They're shrimp the
size of your nose.
328
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,522
Well, I wanted everybody
to enjoy their meal.
329
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,358
You always want
everybody to enjoy their meal.
330
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,961
Every time we
go to a restaurant,
331
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,996
you have to recommend a dish.
332
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,998
Why can't you let people
eat what they want?
333
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,134
Why don't you just
start a restaurant column
334
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:41,170
and be done with it?
335
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:44,173
We would never have
gone out in the first place
336
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,609
if you didn't let our
mothers tag-team you
337
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:48,277
on our damn call-waiting!
338
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,846
So this is my fault?
339
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,214
You wanted call-waiting.
340
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,514
I didn't want call-waiting.
341
00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:54,483
I'm perfectly happy
with a busy signal.
342
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,919
Because you don't
have many friends.
343
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,621
I have plenty of friends,
344
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:01,624
but I'm not worried about
getting back to them.
345
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,059
I'm not like you...
346
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,227
"What if someone's
trying to get us?"
347
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:06,211
Well, they got us,
baby. You happy now?
348
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,889
I'm always happy. I'm
my mother's daughter!
349
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,861
What is this?
350
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:22,845
That can't be good.
351
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,055
Come on, Murray.
352
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:34,556
Want to play? Come on!
353
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:37,059
Let's play.
354
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,628
Go get the ball.
Go get the ball.
355
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:43,499
Good girl!
356
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,301
Meanwhile, I called the vet.
357
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,503
You want me to wash that shirt?
358
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,005
I'm wearing it.
359
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:52,008
Why would you want to
wash it if I'm wearing it?
360
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:55,011
Does that make sense?
She's a big nutty nut.
361
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,512
Yes, she is.
362
00:13:56,536 --> 00:14:00,905
Hey, this is really low.
How do you do this?
363
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,022
Wow. Come on, Murray.
364
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,523
Want to get the mouse?
365
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,026
Look, there he goes.
There's the mouse!
366
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:12,361
You don't want to get the mouse?
367
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,629
This is really serious!
368
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:15,397
He hasn't touched his food.
369
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,399
Look at him. He's laying...
370
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,535
He's like a rug with organs.
371
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,037
Murray, go get the mouse.
372
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,538
He doesn't want to.
373
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,540
Murray, look, go get the mouse!
374
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,542
Here he comes. Here he comes!
375
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,877
Here comes the mouse!
376
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,049
Son of a bitch!
377
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,051
Aw!
378
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,540
Look at you.
379
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,991
You know there's
no mouse, don't you?
380
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:44,293
I know!
381
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:45,361
Hey.
382
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,595
Hi!
383
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,164
Why are you dressed up?
384
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:51,000
I'm having lunch at
the Russian Tea Room.
385
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,836
Does he look normal to you?
386
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,872
Who are you having lunch with?
387
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:57,173
Mom.
388
00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:00,809
Lunch at the Russian
Tea Room with mom,
389
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,844
and I'm not invited?
390
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,045
His mom.
391
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:06,015
You're having lunch
at the Russian tea room
392
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:07,516
with my mother?
393
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,018
Honey, they're
crossing the line.
394
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,120
They're, like,
franchising out now.
395
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,322
Was I going to say no?
396
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,891
Yes, and stay out of this one.
397
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,326
I didn't recommend scampi.
398
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:20,529
Hey, hey, hey!
399
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:22,031
Hello. Dr. Arzupian!
400
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,532
It's Dr. Arzupian, hon.
401
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,034
Um, he's not himself.
402
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,870
He hasn't done anything
constructive in two days.
403
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,939
I want to know
everything his mother says,
404
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,208
and I'm not kidding.
405
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:35,278
I'll get his mother for Europe
and push ours for a condo...
406
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,979
Listen. It's voice-activated.
407
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,680
His last bowel movement?
408
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:39,949
Monday.
409
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,683
Oh. Can you believe this?
410
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:43,607
Saturday.
411
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:49,992
Huh? Oh, that would be great.
412
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,994
Yes. We'll bring him right over.
413
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:55,031
He's going to see him right now.
414
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:58,034
Hey, Murray, we're
going to go to the park.
415
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,002
You want to go to the park?
416
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,004
We're going to go to the park,
417
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:04,106
play ball, and
eat a big hot dog.
418
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,341
Great. Lie to him.
419
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,775
It works.
420
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,778
No! It's like when I
had my adenoids out
421
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,648
and Mom told me
we were just going
422
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,583
to watch them tape
the Match Game.
423
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,175
Hey, Murray, have a
good time at the vet.
424
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,346
Why do you come here?
425
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,035
Honey.
426
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,170
Sorry. Sorry.
427
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:36,538
Well, heart sounds good.
428
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:37,806
Sit.
429
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,475
No, he doesn't do sit.
430
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,476
Why not?
431
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,979
It's just not one of his things.
432
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,314
You've got to do it manually.
433
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,417
His coat looks good. He
seems nice and healthy.
434
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,386
Why is he so moody?
435
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,487
What would that be?
436
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,488
Moods!
437
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,555
What do you mean, moods?
438
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,724
You don't think
dogs have emotions?
439
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,159
You're saying our dog
has emotional problems?
440
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,227
He might.
441
00:16:58,251 --> 00:16:59,395
That's ridiculous.
442
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:00,396
Wait a second.
443
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,930
He doesn't have
emotional problems.
444
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,832
Honey, he's not saying
it's a reflection on you.
445
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,335
Of course it's a
reflection on me
446
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,005
if the dog has
emotional problems.
447
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,007
What... What are you doing?
448
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,508
Have you been sleeping well?
449
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,542
Yes.
450
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,011
Eating healthy?
451
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,012
I try.
452
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,513
When was your last...
453
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,847
First thing this morning.
454
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,384
So is Murray an only dog?
455
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,519
Yes. We thought
about having another,
456
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,754
but I don't think we're ready.
457
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,024
How old was he when you got him?
458
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:30,026
Oh, we was like... this old.
459
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,061
I found him in the park.
460
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,062
Ah-hah.
461
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,530
Ah-hah. What's "ah-hah"?
462
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,533
He may have just
wandered off from his home.
463
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,469
He did. He had a tag
with a guy's number.
464
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,471
The guy asked if I wanted him.
465
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,473
I had just broken up
with this girl, Leslie,
466
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,541
so I thought, yeah.
467
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,542
Who's Leslie?
468
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,044
Nobody.
469
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,445
Did you try to take him back?
470
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,447
I thought it would
upset the dog.
471
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,449
It's hardly nobody
472
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,451
if you had to get
a dog afterwards.
473
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,453
I'm begging you to stop this.
474
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,021
You're like my mother.
475
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,391
Anyway, there's been
some tension, yeah.
476
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,459
Such as?
477
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:04,960
Problems with our mothers.
478
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,432
Oh, my God.
479
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:10,456
Mother.
480
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:17,673
Asparagus.
481
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,141
Mother.
482
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,744
Do you think that
could be the problem?
483
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,181
Could be. He might
have unresolved issues.
484
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,682
With his mother?
485
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,191
It's just silly.
486
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,625
No, it isn't.
487
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,194
Wouldn't you want
to find your mother
488
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,463
if you were lucky enough
to lose her for a while?
489
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:41,497
What's that? The Murray box.
490
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,732
We still have the Murray box?
491
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,569
Of course. His baby
teeth are in here.
492
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,770
What a sweet lady.
493
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,639
What does it look like?
494
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,142
It's a little tag
with the number.
495
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,510
Aw! Aw!
496
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:55,677
Look at this.
497
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:59,181
That's an aw, this is not an aw?
498
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,983
Aw!
499
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,253
Aw! Oh!
500
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:06,755
Here's his certificate
from dog school.
501
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,157
How do you flunk "sit"?
502
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,525
Here it is.
503
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,594
We're sure we want to do this?
504
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:12,894
We have to do something.
505
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:15,664
But she hasn't seen
him in, like, 49 years.
506
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,167
What if she doesn't
remember him?
507
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:21,170
A mother never forgets,
especially in this family.
508
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:23,705
Look at this guy's
name. Herbert Urbont.
509
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,174
Urbont?
510
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,176
Our dog's last name is "Urbont"?
511
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,679
Yeah, but he dropped
the last name, like Wynona.
512
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,570
Go call him.
513
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,689
Come on. Murray,
want to get the ball?
514
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,525
Come on. Get the ball!
515
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,825
Get the ball!
516
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,061
Don't pressure him.
517
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:49,198
You realize now I've
got to get the ball?
518
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:52,234
You sure this guy
knows how to find us?
519
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,204
Yeah, I told him right
by the "bite me" bench,
520
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:56,705
which, as you know,
521
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,207
is next to the lovely
522
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,708
"Jesus and Janice"
water fountain.
523
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,210
Murray, look at me.
524
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,712
She's not going
to look at his hair.
525
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,447
She's going to sniff his ass.
526
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,216
It's his mother!
527
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,872
They're dogs.
528
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,221
Hey, Swifty!
529
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,223
Hey. He used to be "Swifty"?
530
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,857
Like the wind.
531
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,359
What happened to him?
532
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,461
I don't know. What did you do?
533
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:21,530
Nothing. It was the scampi.
534
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,831
We call him Murray.
535
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,766
This is Mona.
536
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,535
This is her gift.
537
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,705
Are you kid... You telling
me she made kugel?
538
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,807
No. It's her special meat loaf.
539
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,309
Oh! Isn't that nice?
540
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,843
Look, Murray, look!
541
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,878
Look what mommy made you.
542
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,681
Huh?
543
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:40,238
Look. Isn't that nice?
544
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,110
This is why 14 of
her kids left home.
545
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,112
In other words, there's
nothing you can do.
546
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:11,136
Nothing you can do.
547
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,392
We thought you'd want to
know, the part of Murray's mother
548
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:26,027
was played by
Murray's actual mother.
549
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:28,697
Seriously. Really. No kidding.
550
00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:30,999
This dog is this dog's mother.
551
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,471
So, everything has
been real on this show.
552
00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:37,973
Hello?
553
00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:39,675
Yes. Hold on one second.
554
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:40,676
It's your mother.
555
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,678
Ask her if it's
about the scampi.
556
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:44,680
No, Paul. It's seriously
your real mother.
557
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:46,315
My actual mother?
558
00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,717
I'm not here. I'm not here.
559
00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:51,720
We're doing the tag.
Where you going to go?
560
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,589
Talk to her. Talk to her.
561
00:21:53,613 --> 00:21:56,191
Mrs. Reiser?
562
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,496
No, no, no, I didn't write it.
37886
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