All language subtitles for You Me Her 4x02 - The Saddest Clown Show Ever

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Did you know that trying
to do everything in threes,

especially sex, is a poly foul?

Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.

Helen's gonna do us a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours to match it.

Could this morning
be any more stressful?

- Don't say that.
- I'm having what?!

They're twins, normal human girls,

not aliens or devil children.

I'm gonna get a real
job with a real salary

so I can help us get
the loan for the house.

"I've got a session."

I never thought I'd
actually be saying that

as the therapist and not the patient.

Good morning, darling.

You look a little, uh... gorgeous.

That's the word I was gonna say.

- Thanks?
- So, how about school?

You really should
mind your own business.

Don't get that stupid
savior look in your eye.

- Are you still in love with them?
- More than ever.

Then you need to figure
a way to love their life.

I have a gift. Pumpkin spice.

The official shit candle
of Hawthorne Heights.

Nathan. Nathan, Izzy.
Izzy is also a shrink.

She works with troubled
teens at Directions.

I'm just gonna play it
cool until you tell me

I'm definitely not getting this job.

You are definitely not getting this job.

I'm just gonna call 911.

Jack. Izzy.

Emma.

Hi. Excuse me. Nope, not you.

Hi. Excuse me. Hi.

Um, we... Our, um, wife was
admitted earlier tonight.

Right, and before you
go, like, "Our wife?"

her name is Emma Trakarsky. Yeah.

- And she's a beautif...
- Hey!

Where the hell have you two been?!

My... My ringer was off, and
I didn't quite hear the...

Yeah, and my phone was
also kind of on the...

- It was...
-... on the brink.

You know, this is so typical.

The shit gets real, and Mama's left

to handle everything on her own, right?

You got to live large in the spotlight,

and we toil away in anonymity,

Emma making not one, but two humans,

and me just holding the
whole damn world together

while Dave can't even remember

what city he's lounging around in.

I mean, honestly,
would it be so terrible

if he just choked on his
room-service prime rib?

- You know, not to death, because I love him...
- Mm. No, no.

... but enough so that the EMTs
just have to kick in the door

and then they find some
weird porn paused on the TV,

and they put on Instagram.

- Would that be so fucking terrible?!
- Carmen.

- Is Emma okay?
- Who?

Oh, yeah, she's fine. Babies are fine.

I'm gonna go now.

- Where... Should we follow you, or...
- Okay, but is she... Is she... Is she...

Emma, are you okay?

- Oh, guys, I'm so embarrassed.
- Does it hurt? What's going on?

No, no, no. It was just gas. It was gas.

- It's... I'm... I'm fine. Where were you guys?
- Hey.

You know, it's like you fell
off the edge of the earth.

We were at, uh...

- At a class.
- Mm-hmm.

For home... home improvement.

Uh-huh. A class?

- Uh, yep.
- Ah.

You know how, um, I wanna be handier

- around the house, like my dad?
- Uh-huh.

Well, turns out I'm going through

a mild identity crisis...

- Oh.
-... which is very common for guys

who are approaching
parenthood and middle age

at the same time.

You smell like...

Alcohol.

- Good nose.
- Yes.

They were serving it there.

They... You know what?
Sometimes they, uh...

You know how at cooking classes
they serve wine? Similar.

- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, it smells more like, um...

Bourbon? Right?

- I was gonna say that before you interrupted...
- Do we?

... because I wasn't done.

We've been talking about

- this not-interrupting
thing, right? - Have we?

- Ah.
- Look, the bottom line

is that we didn't learn anything

that we could actually demonstrate.

- If you were to ask.
- You've been House Catting me.

- House Catting?
- House Catting me.

You know, like, when the house
cat gets away for the weekend,

runs with the strays, and comes back

a guilty, matted mess
spinning tall tales.

That's you two right now.

I don't know about
cats t... telling tales.

Guys, just where were you?
Just tell me where you were.

- Shaun's new bar.
- Shaun's new bar.

See, now, was that so
hard? A little honesty?

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

So, here's the thing: I'm totally fine.

It was a false alarm. I
got a clean bill of health.

You know, damn the luck.

It happened in the
middle of my interview.

- No, Emma, I'm sorry.
- Yes.

No, no, no. It's fine,
because I totally rocked it.

Dr. Bhang, how long have
you been standing there?

Long enough to hear
that torrent of bullshit.

The only words you
got right were the ones

that don't matter, like "she" and "the."

Your wife had what's called
Braxton-Hicks contractions.

Which, I assume, is not
the technical term for gas?

So I left a few things out.

What, you wanna tell me a little more

about your drunk-handyman class?

Anyway, Braxton-Hicks
isn't unusual at this stage,

but your symptoms were more
pronounced than I'd like to see.

- Oh, my God. Is it serious?
- Not this time.

But at your age with twins,

I'd like to keep an eye on things.

So watch out for bleeding

and take it easy for a little while.

This is your body's way
of saying "slow down."

But when you say it's my body's
way of saying "slow down,"

- you mean, like...
- Slow. Down.

- Got it.
- Doc.

At what stage of pregnancy are
tranquilizer darts acceptable?

I neither heard that nor told you

that they're readily available at
most outdoor-sporting-goods stores.

- I like her.
- She's funny.

Today, we are going to show
everything you need to know

to get your slippery
shelf locked and loaded

and ready to store shit.

Hey, babe. How'd you sleep?

Like a rock. What's he doing?

- It's very entertaining.
- Hm.

Voilà.

- Take notes, ladies.
- That is how you hang a cab...

Aah! -Oh, my God!

- Oh, my...
- Jesus! What the...

He didn't scream the first seven times.

- It's still hanging.
- It looks great.

Hey, babe, why don't you just ask Gabe?

- He's good at this stuff.
- Call Gabe?

Yeah, the real fucking man?

The one who got my dad's toolbox?

Things would have been different
if I got the toolbox, right?

Maybe he would have been the one

with the bleached hair and the eyeliner.

Wait. Did that actually happen?

- Yes.
- Are there photographs? Guys, wait.

- Wait, no. Emma. Emma.
- Honey... Honey, I... I got... I got it.

- I got it. I got it.
- Thank you.

Please sit down. You don't need to...

- Please, sit down.
- Okay, there is

- a razor-thin line between sweet and creepy...
- Here.

... and you two are skating on it.

- Emma.
- Look, I'm fine.

You don't need to
mummify me in Bubble Wrap.

Emma, the doctor said that you
are "moderate to high risk."

- That is a big deal.
- Okay, well, so I won't base jump or fight crime.

- Here.
- Oh, my God. Shoo.

- Go already, guys, okay?
- You just need a little vitamin C.

Look, I have much to do.

Need quiet. Please.

- Like what?
- Yeah. Like what?

Well, I have decided to
turn all offers down...

- "All" offers?
- Did... Did we miss some?

... and start my own
architectural-consulting firm

from home.

Well, don't all jump
up and down at once.

Uh... now, Iz...

Honey, the doctor just said you
were supposed to take it easy.

Oh, my God, babe, this is
exactly why I said it was gas.

Okay, shoo, both of you.

I can't just lay around
incubating our offspring all day.

I... I... I'm still me.

I'm still Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,

Slayer of Worlds!

Please?

Okay, just be careful.

We love you, Emma Goddamn Trakarsky.

- Mm.
- Okay, get out of here.

Go, dorks.

Sometimes I swear it's
like she can't stand

being in the same room as me.

- You know what I mean?
- I do. I really, really do.

And... and... and I ask
her if she wants to talk,

and she says that my voice is like nails

on the chalkboard of her soul.

Are you okay?

Mm. That's horrible.

- Sorry. Listen, Billy...
- Barry.

Um, I'm gonna do you a solid, okay,

and rip off the Band-Aid:

Maybe today, maybe
tomorrow, maybe next month...

I don't know... but
she's gonna dump you.

So just salvage whatever's
left of your dignity

- and beat her to it.
- But...

Ship's sailed, Benny. Trust me.

- Am I your first patient?
- Fourth.

You're my fourth session
of five hundred that I need

to get certified so I can
sit in rooms like this,

listening to people like you for the...

rest of my life.

Hi.

Hello?

Mm.

Are you... are you leaving?

Brian, I quit.

It's Barry.

Wow. This outfit

is amazing!

Where did you get it?

Okay, but, seriously, I have
a question. Can I borrow it?

So funny, but I probably
make more than you do.

That's fair.

Perks of working for The Man.

- I guess so.
- The downside is that my life

is now a very strange, leafy nightmare

- from which I can never wake.
- Mm.

Do you know that song about broken wings

- and learning to live so free?
- ? So ?

Yes, I hear that nine times per shift.

Nine.

Hey, maybe they're testing
interrogation techniques.

Do you feel compelled
to confess anything?

This job and living with Grams

makes me nostalgic for homelessness.

- Mm!
- That bad, huh?

I'm mostly kidding.

What about, oh... I
don't know... school?

What about it?

- Sasha.
- Hmm?

You made a blood pact that
you would get your diploma.

There was blood?

- I don't remember that.
- I don't mean to get heavy,

but what you do now determines
the rest of your life.

- So...
- Wow.

- Thanks for not getting heavy.
- You're welcome.

At the time I got right, it
was too late in the semester.

Plus, I, um...

I called the admissions chick
a soulless shit sculpture.

She seemed less helpful after that.

That's shocking.

Oh, what about your future?

- Gotta wear shades, man.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- Yeah, well,

seems like you're not
really an equal partner

in your weird little triad

working part-time at the teen daycare.

That's a job for bleeding
hearts who don't pay bills.

That's valid.

What about that Hawthorne School gig?

Uh, yeah, no, that's not happening.

I did everything except barf
in that dude's shoes, so...

I'm thinking you've overcome
worse first impressions.

- That's nice.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, God.
- What?

- What is that?
- What?

That is the savior look.

- No, no. That's not.
- No.

You misunderstood. Stop staring at me.

Look. Oh, no.

Cleanup on "Aisle you
need to go back to school."

What do we have here?

Hey, I just wanted to, uh, check on you

before I head to the magazine.

Oh, Carm, that's
really sweet, but I'm...

Hey, you scared me. Just
don't do that again, okay?

- You sure you're okay?
- Yes.

- You're one-hundred percent?
- Yeah.

- Nothing holding you back?
- I'm fine.

- Okay! You can watch my kids.
- Whoa! Hold up, hold up.

Carm, look, you know I love
you and I love the girls,

but I'm starting a business,
and as you said, verbatim,

"Trying to watch kids
and start a business

is the saddest clown show ever."

Ah, sweetie.

Why... why start a business
right before you have twins?

So I don't lose my shit.

Am I gonna suck at this?

Absolutely.

But then you'll get better.

And then, one day,
you'll wake up and realize

that being an amazing mom quietly became

a big part of who you are.

Part of Emma.

- Mm.
- Thank you.

- You're looking at something over my shoulder, aren't you?
- Mm.

The new neighbors.

Oh, yeah, that's Marty and Will.

They moved here from Hillsboro.

- God, their kid is cute.
- What, so it's true?

We have gays? We have gays!

Yeah, well, maybe don't lead with that.

Hey! If you can run that fast,

you can easily watch my kids.

Hi. Hello. Hi. I'm... Whew!

- I'm Emma Trakarsky.
- Hey.

I live next door with
my husband and my wife,

because I'm poly, which
means I'm bi, so, hi.

It's lovely to meet you, Polly.

- What? Oh, no, no, no.
- Wait.

My name is Emma. I w...
I was just telling you

- I'm polyamorous.
- Please excuse her.

She's just super-duper double pregnant,

and it's making her peculiar.

Oh, okay, well, I'm Marty,
and this is my husband, Will.

Hi. And who's this handsome little guy?

I love children. I'm
kind of known for it.

Ehh, are you really?

Oh, this is Parker.

He's four and, apparently, really shy.

My husband says everyone
named Parker is a winner.

Are you a winner, Parker?!

He's a winner. Don't worry.

- Weird. I'm gonna go to work, so...
- Yeah.

I ju... I just want
to say how great it is

to have another "alt"
family in the neighborhood.

I mean, being polyamorous,
I... I know the challenges,

- but love is love, and family's family, right?
- Yeah.

Anyway, um, I'm just over there

- if you need anything at all.
- Is that a threat?

Well, that's enough relating for today.

Come along. Bye, guys.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- What the hell was that all about?
- We'll call you. I don't know.

We're the Gaydashians, honey.
Just milk it while it lasts.

Ohh, help me stave off the avalanche

of terror and hopelessness.

Amnesia on the rocks, coming up.

So, I'm sensing that
you've got a tale to tell.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I walked in, I quit,

I walked out, the end.

Oh. Yikes. Okay.

Well...

... this should do the trick.

Good.

Ooh! That is a day changer.

Yeah, don't ask what's
in it.-- Oh, man.

I spent eight of my Best Ass Years

slaving away to get my doctorate,

and all I learned is that
I loathe listening to people

- whine about their problems.
- Oh.

Well, that's, um...

That's certainly a... a, um...

What do you think that is?

You know, instead of listening
to a bunch of Cray-Crays

go on and on, trying to
figure it out themselves,

why can't I just cut to the
chase and tell 'em what to do,

and if they don't do
it, they get shocked?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I'm so fucked.

Uh...

you like telling people what to do.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Why not do that right here?

You dole out the advice,
I dole out the drinks.

It's the perfect hook for this place.

And... and... and we can get you a sign

that says "the doctor's
in", like Lucy van Pelt.

Well, she is by far my favorite Peanut.

See? It's... It's... It's destiny.

You'd really do that for me?

Babe, it's win/win. Yeah.

Mm.

You see, I got a mind
to take your innocence

- right here on this bar.
- Aww.

Well, there's no one I'd
rather have deflower me,

but I thought we were
waiting for the right time.

Oh, the right time's right now?

- The right time is now?!
- Yeah.

Oh!

Okay, what the hell just happened?

I call it "sex."

Mnh-mnh. No, no, no, no.

No, three little letters
cannot house that experience.

What the fuck are you...

some kind of undercover fuck ninja?

I lost count.

I never lose count,

in case I need to complain later.

Sure. It was four.

I'm sorry.

I must have been overexcited
'cause fi... five is my par.

God, I don't what is yet, but
something about this is bad.

It's very, very bad.

Well, j... just give me a second.
I can... I can go for five.

Give me... give me a minute.

Aah! Aah! Oh!

Ah, shit!

- Ohh!
- You're getting it, man.

Yes.

Okay.

So, um, what did you
release in Grief Yoga?

No, I'm pretty sure that wasn't me.

It was that skinny vegan
guy in the burlap clothes.

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck? Is that
what I think it is?

Yeah, or, uh, maca root
tea and organic vinegar?

It's animal urine, is what what it is.

It's, like, feline

based on the bottom
notes of fish and rat.

It's an amazing cleanse, you know,

and it... and it evens out

- your, uh, testosterone production, and...
- Okay, you know what? Stop. Just stop.

What has to happen to a guy

to make him want to
pay to drink cat piss?

Um, she cheated on me.

- Yeah, that...
- With my brother.

Ooh.

Over Thanksgiving at my parents' house.

Wow. That happens in real life?

Yeah.

I found her in my childhood bedroom

giving thanks to my brother's penis.

I'm s...

That is... That is
awful. I'm s... That is...

Then it got ugly.

- Then it got ugly?
- Yeah.

I can't wait to hear what's worse.

Yeah, I, uh... I forgave her,

you know, begged her to stay,

and... and... and, like,

you know, not like, "Please stay."

It... it was... it was... I beg-begged.

- Ooh.
- Really begged.

Like, there were... there were tears.

- On... oOn... on her shoes.
- Mm.

- Yeah, so...
- You're right. It did get worse.

Yeah.

So now, you know,

my... my ex-wife is...
is... is my sister-in-law.

And I'm just trying to
purify myself, you know,

maybe become perfect so
that... so that someday

someone might love me or something.

Dude. Geez.

Nathan, I wish I could say
something, you know, better,

m... more inspirational,
but I'm really sorry, man.

- That's awful.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Ooh, you're going right in
for the cat piss again, huh?

Ugh.

Welcome. Hey.

Thank you for coming by.

No, no, no, no. It's okay, it's okay.

No, yeah. There's a
bottle open on the table.

Yeah, just go on in.

Hey! Look at you.

Okay, sure. That's awesome.

Doing real good. Hey, bud.

Give me a high five?

Oh, my God! Thank you!

Oh, about time.

Are you coming to get them,
or should I bring them to you?

Question: What's going on
at Will and Marty's house?

It looks like they're having a big party

with all the neighborhood
housewives and kids.

- Oh, that's Binge Club.
- Binge Club?

Yeah, it's something they
did back in Hillsboro.

All the stay-at-home
parents meet up at Marty's

and take turns watching the kids,

and then when you're not
on duty, you get adult time

bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.

- Well, why wasn't I invited?
- Well, there's no president, Em.

- Nothing whatsoever to conquer.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Well, plus, you'd hate
the show they're watching.

It's "Who We Are."

Ugh, that sappy soap that
teaches us "what really matters"

by metaphorically drowning
kittens till we cry?

Yep, that's... that's the one.

Oh, how could anyone watch
that manipulative shit?

Don't they have anything
better to do with their time?

Speaking of, one of us has a job.

You are horrible.

Ah, love you, too. Bye.

Ugh.

Four bars in, and I've
already lost 20 I.Q. points.

Who's ready?

Binge Club in the house!

What?

Hormones.

It's gotta be the hormones.

Nooo! He can't be dead!

I mean, he literally can't be dead

because he's, like, all over the preview

for the next episode, but... still.

Oh, like that?

Always like that.

Oh.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

Fresh start. I'm Izzy Silva.

It's... it's nice to see you again.

Okay, that sounds good.

No, I'm Dr. Izzy Silva.

Nice to meet you again.

Do you like that?

Is that... Oh. Hello.

- Izzy.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

Fresh start.

I'm Izzy Silva. Uh, wait.

I'm... I'm Dr. Izzy Silva.

Yeah, the girl with the vape

and the booze and the insults

and the holier-than-thou attitude.

That was playtime Izzy.

This is very serious Izzy.

I want the job.

Helping entitled rich kids
with their faux damage?

I'm good at what I do.

See this stack over here?

I added mine. Mine's on top.

Okay, well, they're all
good at what they do,

- and they're more qualified.
- Qualified. I've heard.

You're not gonna make
this easy, are you?

Why would I?

Okay. Well...

A kid asked me to sign
this on the way in,

which means they thought
I might be a student,

and now I'm very, very
much in love with them.

- "Them"?
- Yeah, stay tuned.

So, turns out that the
non-binary student collective

is gearing up to protest
unless you start providing

gender-neutral bathroom alternatives.

Rough.

Wait. What? We settled this last year.

Trans kids are welcome to
use any bathroom they wish.

Dude.

What?

Non-binary is not the same as trans.

I knew that.

Did you?

- I didn't know that.
- No.

Look, you tell anyone,
and I will deny it.

I won't. Look, I just... I fell behind

on... on all the initials
and the acronyms and...

Well, it sounds like, to me,

that you need an
LGBTQIA-plus specialist,

and I just happen to be pansexual,

or so they tell me.

So I'm very well-versed.

Fine.

- Really?
- Wait.

But it is probational for one month,

and then we evaluate.

Amazing. Thank you so much.

Oh, I have one condition.

I hope it's psoriasis

because you literally have no leverage.

Um, I just need you
to admit one student.

Her name is Sasha, and she was homeless

up until two months ago,

but she couldn't go
to the public school.

Um, she's amazing.

Okay, I'll, uh... I'll tell you what.

I'll try to put in for a recommendation.

Oh, she'll start right away.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I appreciate it.

All right, see ya.

See ya.

Polly?

Why are you giving me your mail?

Why didn't you invite me?

Wh... Oh! Oh, I get it.

You think it's because
you're tightly wound

and a little bit scary.

No, that's... that's not what I think.

Is that what you think?

Yeah, a little, but,
actually, the main reason

is because you don't have any children.

- Well... - Like,
out-vitro children.

- Yeah, but...
- Do you?

Have any kids that
aren't inside your belly?

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Fuck.

What are you actually doing down there?

Well, I call it "work."

What are you actually doing up there?

Eh, not so much. Just pondering.

I'm gonna spend the rest of
my life paying student loans

for a career that spanned three days.

Fascinating, right?

Well, I'm not a therapist,

but I did make it
through all twelve steps,

which makes me insufferably wise.

- May I?
- Knock yourself out.

This, uh... this career
that you just quit,

it's kind of like a pie-eating contest.

It's really not. At all.

- But good effort, Izzy's dad.
- Yeah.

You just spent the past eight years

eating as much pie
as you possibly could,

shoveling it down,

spending all of your
money buying more pies,

going into pie debt, but
you just kept on going

because you didn't know what else to do.

And, finally, one day,
you eat the last pie.

Yay!

You won the pie-eating
contest! It's great.

And then they wheel in your prize

on one of those big dollies.

Can you guess what it is?

I agreed to a story, Ben, not a riddle.

More pie.

A shit ton of fucking pie.

That's what you got for
winning the pie-eating contest.

- I hate pie.
- Yeah.

I... I think maybe I always hated pie.

Yeah.

So why keep eating it?

Well, I...

Fear? Obligation?

Other people?

Other people.

I hate them as much as I hate pie.

There you go.

I wasted eight years.

I doubt that.

Hmm. I wondered what Izzy saw in you.

Okay, it's almost pizza time!

Oh, God damn it, woman.

Quit being such a
needy, selfish little...

- Give me you kids. Now!
- Jesus Christ.

- Come on. Go get them.
- Okay, just...

And any other ones you
find scurrying about.

Go! Go, go, go.

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- www.addic7ed.com -