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RICHARD: Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
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00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,632
I have been appointed the
new Mayor of Lurline.
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00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:10,183
- Oh, of course. I understand.
- Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.
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Uh, me too.
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00:00:12,517 --> 00:00:14,485
AMY: Ma'am, the U.S. Attorney's Office
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00:00:14,486 --> 00:00:17,684
has impaneled a grand jury to
investigate the Meyer Fund.
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Madame P, got a moment?
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Can you fuck off?
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I have always tried to be there for you.
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Well, how come you failed
me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?
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It would be really good if we
adopted another baby from China.
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How would you like the chance
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00:00:29,434 --> 00:00:32,058
to help lead a visibly
repugnant underdog
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00:00:32,059 --> 00:00:33,454
to historic victory?
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00:00:33,455 --> 00:00:35,579
You want me to join Jonah's campaign?
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00:00:35,580 --> 00:00:37,100
SELINA: How about, for
once in your life,
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00:00:37,101 --> 00:00:39,809
you stop whining, you stop complaining,
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- and just man up?
- (applause)
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(cheering)
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00:00:43,997 --> 00:00:45,267
Get outta my way.
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00:00:45,268 --> 00:00:50,932
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:50,934 --> 00:00:55,294
Thank you, New Hampshire,
for manning up!
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What started in Iowa
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00:00:57,626 --> 00:01:00,642
with a come-from-behind,
second-place finish
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has built here tonight
into an all-out victory!
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00:01:05,810 --> 00:01:07,225
(crowd cheering)
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And now it's on to South Carolina
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and then back to the White House!
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(recorded music playing)
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That's right, you heard me...
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Back to the White House!
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(music, cheering)
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SELINA: We're going back...
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Which one of you donkey-dongs
was in charge of the balloons?
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- Believe it or not, Amy.
- She's still fuckin' up?
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She hasn't worked here for months!
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Does anyone have her new email address?
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"Man up" continues to resonate
in all four quadrants.
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It's universal. Men hate women,
women hate themselves.
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The Geraldine Ferraro principle.
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Hey, ma'am, I was hoping
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I could have some more responsibility...
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Yes. Can you make me a waxing
appointment in Charleston?
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- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
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Ma'am, South Carolina is gonna be tough.
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- Black people love me.
- GARY: Love.
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Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas,
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00:02:01,081 --> 00:02:02,558
the civil rights leader,
he once said to me...
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- BEN: You told me this.
- MARJORIE: We're aware.
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This is a classic.
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He once said to me
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that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.
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BEN: Ma'am, you do know
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that this time you're running
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against an actual black person?
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SELINA: She's not even all-black.
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Plus, I'm gonna be
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Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around
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till I tear my rotator cuff.
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Absolutely not, Mother.
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I have been working for you for 18 years
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- without a promotion.
- Right.
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But some people kinda think I deserve
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a bigger role in the campaign this time.
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What kind of role was
your mother thinking of?
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I thought everybody kind
of did the same thing.
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Ma'am, our faith-based outreach
program is kind of a disaster.
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OK, so give Gary the face-based thing.
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- It's "faith-based."
- I don't care.
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I gotta get a little
shut-eye before we land.
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Can we have the lights
out, please? Thank you.
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DAN: Hey, Ben, do you have
the county-by-county...
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- SELINA: No talking!
- GARY: No talking!
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- (clatter)
- SELINA: I'm hearing moving!
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(theme music playing)
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00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:06,475
JONAH: I can't believe
I got sixth place.
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It is time for us to head over
to the electoral scrapyard
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and see if we can sell your
endorsement for parts.
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OK, I'm gonna go hang
myself from a sturdy pipe,
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and I'm not even gonna
bother jacking off.
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00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:20,016
- You have time for a drink beforehand?
- Mmm.
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NANCY: Well, you're still
my favorite son, Jonie.
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How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun do
one percent better than me?
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Well, you had three
percent and he had four,
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so actually, he did 33% better.
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00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,392
Don't math me, Lloyd.
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Math is a plot invented by the Chinese
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to make smart Americans feel dumb.
89
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Modern math was invented by Islamic
scholars in the 7th century.
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(mocking) You were invented by
Islamic scholars in the 7th century.
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(laughing) Burn. Sorry, Dad.
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Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell
at Lloyd. Please, he's just...
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Sorry, what is that on your finger?
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- Is that a ring?
- LLOYD: Well,
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I asked your mom to marry me again,
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00:03:53,643 --> 00:03:55,183
and I'm hoping we can get your blessing.
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00:03:55,184 --> 00:04:00,142
- No! You don't have it...
- (man laughing)
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00:04:03,434 --> 00:04:06,642
Oh! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt,
99
00:04:06,643 --> 00:04:09,809
they're fucking again?!
100
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I'm sorry I'm late.
101
00:04:11,101 --> 00:04:12,975
The Meyer victory party's still raging.
102
00:04:12,976 --> 00:04:15,058
They got some great coke.
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I can't believe you backed
another candidate, Uncle Judas.
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00:04:17,893 --> 00:04:20,100
- When I'm president...
- Shut the fuck up!
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When you're president?!
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00:04:21,601 --> 00:04:23,558
I'll jam my fist up my dick hole
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and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish
cutlery when you're president!
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Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate,
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00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:32,141
not a human pool skimmer
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last used to de-spunk a
Provincetown hot tub party!
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00:04:36,643 --> 00:04:38,183
Congratulations, Sis.
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Let me know where to send the gift.
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Spoiler alert: It's Danish cutlery.
114
00:04:42,976 --> 00:04:46,017
Thanks, Jeff. See ya
in church on Sunday.
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Gary? I need my tea.
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Marjorie: And a well-done
egg white frittata.
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Here you are, ma'am.
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Whoa. That startled me.
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Why are you Gary?
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He had an early morning meeting.
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You can't just replace
Gary with another lesbian
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00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:03,975
and think that I'm not
gonna notice what...
123
00:05:03,976 --> 00:05:08,642
Mmm. Wow, this tea is the
perfect temperature.
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00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:11,016
Thank you, ma'am. I learned
from an Afghani warlord.
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We should put him on the payroll.
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- You killed him in a drone strike.
- Oh, well.
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00:05:15,017 --> 00:05:16,892
I laid out your outfit for the day.
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Oh. Oh, wow!
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00:05:19,184 --> 00:05:21,767
I never thought before
to put the Bottega pumps
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with the Michael Kors top.
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00:05:23,309 --> 00:05:25,350
You've been taking fashion
advice from a man
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who dresses like an overgrown
ventriloquist dummy.
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That's a solid point.
134
00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:32,058
- Oh! Is this edible?
- No, ma'am.
135
00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:33,517
Oh. Uhh.
136
00:05:33,518 --> 00:05:37,642
- (knocking)
- GARY: Hello.
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- Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein.
- Nice to meet you.
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- We're all ready to...
- Ahh! Yep. Yeah. Perfect.
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Did you see the spread that I ordered?
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These are fresh bagels from New York,
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which I'm very excited about 'cause
the president hates bagels...
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Shh-shh-shh... and she can't even
be in the same room with donuts.
143
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:53,725
Uh, so why don't we get started?
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Of course, of course, I've love that.
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I would love that.
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Here we go. (chuckles)
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- (whispers) Mr. Walsh.
- Yeah?
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This is your meeting. You're in charge.
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Oh, I know. I know. I know.
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Of course.
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Can I make anyone a plate?
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(knock on door)
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What up, Mojo?
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When are you and I gonna have
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that pussy-eating contest?
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You have ten minutes.
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I started timing the moment you knocked.
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- AMY: Ma'am! So good to see you again.
- Amy!
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How is that baby? Must be gettin' big.
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It's great. So the reason
that we are here is...
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Yeah.
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00:06:41,876 --> 00:06:44,392
Congressman Ryan is
considering stepping aside
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- and endorsing you...
- I want vice president.
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- That's not negotiable.
- Let's go.
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No, I'm willing to negotiate.
166
00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:50,433
What about Department of the Exterior?
167
00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:51,287
Interior.
168
00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:53,225
We're gonna negotiate
against ourselves now, Amy?
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00:06:53,226 --> 00:06:55,850
Amy, Amy, I mean...
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00:06:55,851 --> 00:06:58,183
(Selina laughs) Oh, God.
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If Ellen had a little sister from China,
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00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:03,558
it might help her bond with... Mike.
173
00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:06,558
Or, uh, I could bond with the new one.
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00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:08,600
Tell 'em about your big new job, Mike.
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00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:09,892
Oh, gosh, yeah!
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00:07:09,893 --> 00:07:12,058
I have my own webcast on BuzzFeed.
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00:07:12,059 --> 00:07:15,266
I call it "McLintalk." A-L-K?
178
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:17,642
It would be funny if you were American.
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00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:20,266
So, is... Is everything all right?
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00:07:20,267 --> 00:07:22,600
Just one last question, Mr. McLintock,
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are you still close with
President Selina Meyer?
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Full disclosure: She still doesn't
like when I eat in front of her.
183
00:07:28,643 --> 00:07:30,600
- Very good. Very good!
- WENDY: Very good!
184
00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:32,767
GANG-HUA LI: If you will
just head down the hallway,
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00:07:32,768 --> 00:07:34,225
we will have you sign the application.
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00:07:34,226 --> 00:07:36,141
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
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00:07:36,142 --> 00:07:38,266
- Mr. McLintock.
- Yeah?
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00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:40,835
I was wondering if you could
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00:07:40,837 --> 00:07:43,183
deliver a message to
President Meyer for me?
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00:07:43,184 --> 00:07:45,351
Remembering things and
reporting them back to people
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00:07:45,353 --> 00:07:47,725
is not my strong suit, but
I could write it down.
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Please don't write it down.
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00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,308
Okay.
194
00:07:51,309 --> 00:07:54,308
JORDAN THOMAS: My father started
this youth center for one reason...
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00:07:54,309 --> 00:07:55,558
You gotta keep the kids off the streets.
196
00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:57,183
That's right. Gangs and...
197
00:07:57,184 --> 00:07:59,225
What you need is more police protection.
198
00:07:59,226 --> 00:08:02,517
As you know, the police are
doing most of the shootings.
199
00:08:02,518 --> 00:08:04,392
Yeah, well, the police
are out of control.
200
00:08:04,393 --> 00:08:06,016
Let me give you the rest of the tour.
201
00:08:06,017 --> 00:08:07,850
- OK. Huh?!
- MARJORIE: Ma'am,
202
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:10,392
last month a local eight-year-old
boy was shot by police
203
00:08:10,393 --> 00:08:12,392
when his candy bar was
mistaken for a gun.
204
00:08:12,393 --> 00:08:13,850
And how was I supposed to know that?
205
00:08:13,851 --> 00:08:15,266
It was in today's Line-By-Line.
206
00:08:15,267 --> 00:08:16,642
You know I don't read what you give me.
207
00:08:16,643 --> 00:08:18,058
JORDAN: Thought I lost you!
208
00:08:18,059 --> 00:08:19,725
Let's continue the tour.
Come on, kids are waiting.
209
00:08:19,726 --> 00:08:22,183
SELINA: Your father
was such a great man,
210
00:08:22,184 --> 00:08:25,058
and you have inherited
not only his good looks,
211
00:08:25,059 --> 00:08:26,600
but also his charisma!
212
00:08:26,601 --> 00:08:28,725
Now I'm blushin' and a
little bit crushin'.
213
00:08:28,726 --> 00:08:31,183
I would really love to
be able to count on
214
00:08:31,184 --> 00:08:33,350
your endorsement this time around.
215
00:08:33,351 --> 00:08:34,725
- Really?
- Yeah.
216
00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:37,558
- You're gonna make me say it?
- Say what?
217
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,350
(laughs) She gonna make me say it!
218
00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:41,308
We've got a sister runnin', ya know.
219
00:08:41,309 --> 00:08:43,517
We got race in the race. Praise Jesus!
220
00:08:43,518 --> 00:08:45,892
Yes. Indeedy. I, you know,
221
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:47,933
(sing-songy) Progress!
222
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:51,684
But your daddy used to say to me
223
00:08:51,685 --> 00:08:54,392
that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.
224
00:08:54,393 --> 00:08:55,725
Can I tell you something?
225
00:08:55,726 --> 00:08:57,809
My dad said that to a
lot of white women.
226
00:08:57,810 --> 00:09:01,558
That was his move.
(laughing) Now you know.
227
00:09:01,559 --> 00:09:04,016
Oh. I would love to see you
at services on Sunday,
228
00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:06,642
and I would love it if you would
speak to the congregation.
229
00:09:06,643 --> 00:09:08,517
Well, I'm... I'm, uh,
230
00:09:08,518 --> 00:09:10,934
I'm pretty booked up.
No. Just take it away.
231
00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:15,058
AMY: Senator Talbot,
232
00:09:15,059 --> 00:09:16,558
we believe you are positioned
233
00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:17,725
to win the nomination,
234
00:09:17,726 --> 00:09:19,433
and we might be considering
235
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,600
suspending Congressman Ryan's campaign.
236
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:22,933
Definitely the right move.
237
00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:23,933
K-Jazz.
238
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:25,266
Ask me what's on my mind.
239
00:09:25,267 --> 00:09:27,684
Fine. What's on your
mind, Congressman Ryan?
240
00:09:27,685 --> 00:09:29,266
I'm glad you asked,
241
00:09:29,267 --> 00:09:32,141
because my mind's on my money...
242
00:09:32,142 --> 00:09:34,266
and my money's on my mind.
243
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,809
Laid back.
244
00:09:38,309 --> 00:09:39,517
JONAH: I thought she'd be more...
245
00:09:39,518 --> 00:09:42,183
I thought you'd be more familiar.
246
00:09:42,184 --> 00:09:43,433
I mean, did you at least watch Martin?
247
00:09:43,434 --> 00:09:45,225
- "Damn, Gina!"
- We should go.
248
00:09:45,226 --> 00:09:46,294
What? She asked.
249
00:09:46,296 --> 00:09:47,517
Just let us know if we
can be of any help.
250
00:09:47,518 --> 00:09:49,933
Could you give me HUD?
Nobody cares about it.
251
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:52,266
It's like the fat girl of Cabinet posts.
252
00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:56,350
Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi
mail pieces just came in.
253
00:09:56,351 --> 00:09:58,975
What the tragic mulatto fuck?
254
00:09:58,976 --> 00:10:00,684
Kemi looks like an albino.
255
00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:03,308
And I'm so black, people are gonna
start calling me articulate.
256
00:10:03,309 --> 00:10:05,975
Hey, ma'am. Presenting my first
faith-based outreach video.
257
00:10:05,976 --> 00:10:07,141
- MAN: Outreach. Reaching out.
- No.
258
00:10:07,142 --> 00:10:08,475
Okay.
259
00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,850
Look, guys, if we're not
getting the black vote,
260
00:10:10,851 --> 00:10:13,350
then we have to take a
hard turn to the white.
261
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:16,100
Kent, how are we doing with
non-college-educated whites?
262
00:10:16,101 --> 00:10:17,392
- Look at this.
- KENT: Underwater, ma'am.
263
00:10:17,393 --> 00:10:19,350
Then how about college-educated whites?
264
00:10:19,351 --> 00:10:20,642
Uh, in South Carolina,
265
00:10:20,643 --> 00:10:23,433
that is not a significant
slice of the pie.
266
00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:24,809
Then we're gonna have to find a way
267
00:10:24,810 --> 00:10:26,767
with non-college-educated whites.
268
00:10:26,768 --> 00:10:28,642
Like, what appeals to them...
269
00:10:28,643 --> 00:10:30,308
What appeals to them? What do they want?
270
00:10:30,309 --> 00:10:33,475
Well, my polling shows
their main wants are jobs,
271
00:10:33,476 --> 00:10:35,225
education, and an adequate safety net...
272
00:10:35,226 --> 00:10:37,850
- Okay, not gonna speak to that.
- I'm not finished, ma'am.
273
00:10:37,851 --> 00:10:40,225
"...to be denied to African Americans."
274
00:10:40,226 --> 00:10:42,684
- (Gary's video playing)
- My video could help, actually.
275
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,912
- No!
- (gasps)
276
00:10:43,913 --> 00:10:46,058
Listen, we have to find a way
277
00:10:46,059 --> 00:10:49,225
to say those things without
actually saying them.
278
00:10:49,226 --> 00:10:51,600
- Like a dog whistle.
- Yes, exactly!
279
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:53,809
Okay. You could talk about charter
schools. Mention something...
280
00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:55,350
Come on, that's like a dog whisper.
281
00:10:55,351 --> 00:10:57,517
You could "reject" an endorsement
282
00:10:57,518 --> 00:10:59,475
from a pro-Confederacy group.
283
00:10:59,476 --> 00:11:02,600
That's like a dog
exploding space shuttle.
284
00:11:02,601 --> 00:11:05,039
I need something loud,
not too loud like...
285
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:06,173
Dog chainsaw?
286
00:11:06,174 --> 00:11:09,058
- No, that's too droney.
- MARJORIE: A dog snowmobile.
287
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,350
Why would I know what that even
sounds like? I mean, seriously.
288
00:11:11,351 --> 00:11:13,350
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
- A dog leaf blower?
289
00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:15,475
- Yeah, I like that. Yes.
- That's right.
290
00:11:15,476 --> 00:11:17,308
- Steady.
- ...exactly like a dog chainsaw...
291
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:21,517
- (all arguing indistinctly)
- (Gary's video playing)
292
00:11:21,518 --> 00:11:23,975
Okay, this is closed. I don't
know... this is closed.
293
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,933
Wait a minute... What
is Gary doing here?
294
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,642
This is my first strategic
meeting at the big table.
295
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,225
Okay, guys, what you need to do
296
00:11:29,226 --> 00:11:31,933
is get me in front of
huge white audiences.
297
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:33,725
Huge. Huge.
298
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:35,475
Something that makes a NASCAR race look
299
00:11:35,476 --> 00:11:37,225
like a Jay-Z concert, you know?
300
00:11:37,226 --> 00:11:39,517
Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts
are almost all white people.
301
00:11:39,518 --> 00:11:41,225
Okay, well, right? I know.
302
00:11:41,226 --> 00:11:42,933
MIKE: Hey, guys! Big news.
303
00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,975
Wendy and I are adopting
another Chinese baby.
304
00:11:44,976 --> 00:11:46,725
Where are you registered?
Child Protective Services?
305
00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:48,308
No, Gymboree.
306
00:11:48,309 --> 00:11:49,892
I love that they make clothes
in your size now, Mike.
307
00:11:49,893 --> 00:11:51,642
- Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot.
- Yeah?
308
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:53,016
The guy at the Chinese consulate
309
00:11:53,017 --> 00:11:55,225
said he had a message for
you from President Liu.
310
00:11:55,226 --> 00:11:57,058
Wait, what?
311
00:11:57,059 --> 00:11:59,016
He said, "President Liu
is watching the election
312
00:11:59,017 --> 00:12:02,058
with great interest and hopes
to return to your conversation
313
00:12:02,059 --> 00:12:04,850
about the Diaoyu Islands
in the near future.
314
00:12:04,851 --> 00:12:09,016
Hey, can you go look at,
uh, Gary's faith video?
315
00:12:09,017 --> 00:12:10,892
- Yeah, we need some help.
- Oh, sure.
316
00:12:10,893 --> 00:12:13,600
- You need the McLintock spin?
- Sure.
317
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:14,809
Oh, hey, ma'am, you got a moment?
318
00:12:14,810 --> 00:12:16,600
- SELINA: No.
- Copy that.
319
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:19,267
What the fuck was... out!
320
00:12:22,934 --> 00:12:24,266
What was that?!
321
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,767
Liu sent you a message inside Mike.
322
00:12:26,768 --> 00:12:28,266
A misfortune cookie.
323
00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,392
Who cares about an
island that doesn't have
324
00:12:30,393 --> 00:12:31,600
a Four Seasons on it?
325
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:33,225
The Diaoyu Islands are important
326
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:35,850
to the Chinese militarily,
but the United States
327
00:12:35,851 --> 00:12:38,475
still does not recognize
them as Chinese territory.
328
00:12:38,476 --> 00:12:41,684
Surely Liu recognizes
that I can't recognize
329
00:12:41,685 --> 00:12:44,392
diddly-squat, unless...
330
00:12:44,393 --> 00:12:45,517
You become President.
331
00:12:45,518 --> 00:12:47,433
So what? You think that Liu
332
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,912
is trying to help me become...
333
00:12:48,913 --> 00:12:50,725
Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.
334
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:54,016
We can't have this discussion.
We are still a nation of laws.
335
00:12:54,017 --> 00:12:55,350
- "Ish."
- "Esque."
336
00:12:55,351 --> 00:12:56,892
Of course, but let's be clear
337
00:12:56,893 --> 00:12:59,475
about what we're not talking about.
338
00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:03,308
Okay? We are not talking
about letting the Chinese
339
00:13:03,309 --> 00:13:05,809
influence our presidential election,
340
00:13:05,810 --> 00:13:07,767
and certainly not in exchange
341
00:13:07,768 --> 00:13:09,809
for me recognizing those islands.
342
00:13:09,810 --> 00:13:11,642
And, since it is not being discussed,
343
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:13,100
then I do not have to mention
344
00:13:13,101 --> 00:13:15,058
that you cannot trust the Chinese.
345
00:13:15,059 --> 00:13:20,141
And they will not sell you
out in a Beijing minute.
346
00:13:20,142 --> 00:13:22,517
Wait, they will or they won't?
347
00:13:22,518 --> 00:13:23,809
I don't know.
348
00:13:23,810 --> 00:13:26,266
Well, I mean, can't we "not"
349
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:30,141
not do the thing that
we're not talking about?
350
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,684
I'm totally lost.
351
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:34,100
Do you think Captain Lady
Kangaroo heard any of that?
352
00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:36,016
- I don't think so.
- No? Okay, good.
353
00:13:36,017 --> 00:13:38,266
Fire her anyway just to be sure.
354
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,684
Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.
355
00:13:40,685 --> 00:13:42,433
- Oh, ma'am, big news...
- Yeah?
356
00:13:42,434 --> 00:13:44,240
Tom James called. He wants a meeting.
357
00:13:44,242 --> 00:13:45,306
Is he dropping out?
358
00:13:45,307 --> 00:13:46,809
A James endorsement right now
would be a game changer.
359
00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:51,684
SELINA: Set it up. I
wanna see Tommy beg.
360
00:13:51,685 --> 00:13:54,100
So, how's Little Richard
doing with solid foods?
361
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,335
Don't ask me, ask her.
362
00:13:55,337 --> 00:13:56,517
Apparently, she's in charge of him now.
363
00:13:56,518 --> 00:13:57,850
Catherine, please don't this.
364
00:13:57,851 --> 00:14:00,850
You stole our baby and
you took him to church.
365
00:14:00,851 --> 00:14:02,517
He saw a male Jesus.
366
00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:03,809
When my uncle stole me,
367
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,183
I don't remember where he took me,
368
00:14:05,184 --> 00:14:06,767
but I do have this recurring dream
369
00:14:06,768 --> 00:14:08,517
where I almost find out.
370
00:14:08,518 --> 00:14:10,016
Richard, what's that noise?
371
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:13,225
Oh, it's a crop duster. They
usually fly pretty low.
372
00:14:13,226 --> 00:14:15,016
- Can you say "airplane?"
- RICHARD: Not that low.
373
00:14:15,017 --> 00:14:16,684
- Oh, sweet male Jesus!
- PASSERBY: (panicked yelling)
374
00:14:16,685 --> 00:14:18,433
MARJORIE AND CATHERINE: Richard?
375
00:14:18,434 --> 00:14:20,267
- MARJORIE: Are you okay?
- (crop duster crashes)
376
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:22,850
(knocking on door)
377
00:14:22,851 --> 00:14:25,517
Gary. You're growing your hair.
378
00:14:25,518 --> 00:14:27,558
That's an amusing joke, Senator James.
379
00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:29,225
Senator, hello.
380
00:14:29,226 --> 00:14:30,517
TOM JAMES: Madam President.
381
00:14:30,518 --> 00:14:32,392
Marjorie, thanks very
much. You can leave.
382
00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:35,809
Or I could stay. Uh, for safety's
sake. I'm a model of discretion.
383
00:14:35,810 --> 00:14:37,559
Oh, you can be discreet
out in the hallway.
384
00:14:40,517 --> 00:14:42,809
You just left her in there? With him?
385
00:14:42,810 --> 00:14:44,183
I was following orders.
386
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,725
So was Hitler.
387
00:14:45,726 --> 00:14:47,725
Marjorie, there's something
that you need to see.
388
00:14:47,726 --> 00:14:49,767
Catherine, Little Richard is not sick.
389
00:14:49,768 --> 00:14:51,308
Please stop taking his temperature.
390
00:14:51,309 --> 00:14:53,183
No, it's big Richard.
391
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,809
(yelps) (whimpers)
392
00:14:56,810 --> 00:14:59,225
REPORTER: I'm here reporting
from Lurlene, Iowa,
393
00:14:59,226 --> 00:15:01,016
where earlier today an airplane
394
00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:03,141
crashed into the local 7-Eleven.
395
00:15:03,142 --> 00:15:05,767
Miraculously, there were no fatalities,
396
00:15:05,768 --> 00:15:07,933
due in no small part to the heroics
397
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:10,933
of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett.
398
00:15:10,934 --> 00:15:13,016
Mayor Splett, what happened?
399
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:15,517
Uh, well, a crop duster
clipped a power line
400
00:15:15,518 --> 00:15:17,433
and bumped into a local 7-Eleven.
401
00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:20,016
We're working with FEMA to bring in
emergency supplies and cigarettes.
402
00:15:20,017 --> 00:15:21,266
I've never been more
proud I taught that man
403
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:22,933
to ejaculate into a cup.
404
00:15:22,934 --> 00:15:25,684
SELINA: All right, Senator
James, what's it gonna be?
405
00:15:25,685 --> 00:15:28,183
I've heard you had a yen for Treasury.
406
00:15:28,184 --> 00:15:30,725
I think a lot of my supporters
would actually think
407
00:15:30,726 --> 00:15:32,850
that State was more appropriate.
408
00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:35,016
Ouch. Things are that bad at home, huh?
409
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:39,517
Let's just say a few international
tours would ease domestic tensions.
410
00:15:39,518 --> 00:15:43,143
(laughs)
411
00:15:43,145 --> 00:15:44,850
Well, it's pretty early days, though.
412
00:15:44,851 --> 00:15:47,642
You know, and still
moving pieces around...
413
00:15:47,643 --> 00:15:53,141
Foggy Bottom is a pretty big
plum to be giving away so soon.
414
00:15:53,142 --> 00:15:55,850
Although Secretary of State
is only really powerful
415
00:15:55,851 --> 00:16:01,183
if he or she has a close personal
relationship with the president.
416
00:16:01,184 --> 00:16:04,600
I don't know. Tom, I have to tell
you, I'm really not convinced.
417
00:16:04,601 --> 00:16:08,475
Well, if you like, I could walk you
through my foreign policy ideas.
418
00:16:08,476 --> 00:16:11,058
You familiar with "peace
through strength"?
419
00:16:11,059 --> 00:16:14,851
Oh. Keep talkin' like Reagan,
I'll work it like Nancy.
420
00:16:23,392 --> 00:16:28,652
- BUDDY: Congressman.
- Governor. Were you followed?
421
00:16:28,653 --> 00:16:30,225
I don't know.
422
00:16:30,226 --> 00:16:32,350
So, what would you offer me
423
00:16:32,351 --> 00:16:36,350
as far as a cabinet position in
exchange for my endorsement?
424
00:16:36,351 --> 00:16:39,266
Whoops. I guess we got ourselves
425
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,266
a "Gift of the Magi" situation here.
426
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,684
I was gonna ask you for the same thing.
427
00:16:43,685 --> 00:16:44,767
Wait, you're dropping out?
428
00:16:44,768 --> 00:16:46,933
Maybe. Maybe not.
429
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:49,350
But I was gonna ask you for
Secretary of Interior.
430
00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:51,642
Were you gonna ask for Interior
and then settle for HUD?
431
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:55,387
Dang it. So busted.
432
00:16:55,388 --> 00:16:57,933
(chuckles) Hey, is that Amy?
433
00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,642
Oh, she said to say no.
434
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,642
- Oh.
- AMY: Get in the car.
435
00:17:02,643 --> 00:17:04,225
No, yeah, that's definitely Amy.
436
00:17:04,226 --> 00:17:05,517
Oh, all right.
437
00:17:05,518 --> 00:17:07,224
- See you later, man. Yeah.
- Good luck, bro.
438
00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:09,352
SELINA: Oh, morning, boys.
439
00:17:09,353 --> 00:17:10,357
ALL: Morning, ma'am.
440
00:17:10,358 --> 00:17:12,266
Our good friend Tom James just
called a press conference.
441
00:17:12,267 --> 00:17:14,433
- Oh, has he now? Wow.
- DAN: Yes.
442
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,558
I need fruit.
443
00:17:15,559 --> 00:17:16,892
- On it.
- On it. I'm on it.
444
00:17:16,893 --> 00:17:18,266
- Ma'am?
- SELINA: Yeah?
445
00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:20,058
Please tell me you didn't
promise him State?
446
00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:22,892
There is no way I would appoint
anyone competent to anything
447
00:17:22,893 --> 00:17:24,266
in my cabinet.
448
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:27,266
Morning. Thank you for
coming. Hope I can...
449
00:17:27,267 --> 00:17:28,850
Cloud berries are organic and Icelandic.
450
00:17:28,851 --> 00:17:30,100
How lovely.
451
00:17:30,101 --> 00:17:32,642
I have decided to suspend my campaign
452
00:17:32,643 --> 00:17:34,183
for President of the United States.
453
00:17:34,184 --> 00:17:37,975
- Aww, no. Tom, say it ain't so.
- (all groaning)
454
00:17:37,976 --> 00:17:40,558
REPORTER: Will you be
making an endorsement?
455
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,725
I'd like to give my strongest
and most full-throated support
456
00:17:44,726 --> 00:17:48,433
to the person who has
proven time and time again
457
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:49,600
to be a born leader.
458
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:51,933
I wonder who that could be.
459
00:17:51,934 --> 00:17:53,392
I don't know who that is.
460
00:17:53,393 --> 00:17:54,933
(all laughing)
461
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:57,684
...but unfortunately that
candidate has not yet emerged
462
00:17:57,685 --> 00:18:00,645
and shows no sign of doing so.
463
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:02,684
- Huh?
- TOM: These are early days.
464
00:18:02,685 --> 00:18:04,933
There's a lot of moving pieces,
465
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:07,039
- but I will not be endorsing just yet.
- No, no, no, no. What?!
466
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,159
Thank you, and God bless America.
467
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,850
He just fucked me right in the ass!
468
00:18:09,851 --> 00:18:11,767
Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you.
469
00:18:11,768 --> 00:18:13,260
That, too!
470
00:18:13,262 --> 00:18:15,016
Ma'am, it's time to just
give up on South Carolina.
471
00:18:15,017 --> 00:18:17,433
- No, no! Move, move!
- (all arguing indistinctly)
472
00:18:17,434 --> 00:18:22,225
Are you kidding me? We can't let Kemi
get a foothold in South Carolina.
473
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:26,141
Think! Oh, I'll...
474
00:18:26,142 --> 00:18:29,141
You call Dr. Thomas and
you tell him, yeah,
475
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,975
I'll speak before his
congregation tomorrow.
476
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,809
Ma'am, we need white voters.
477
00:18:32,810 --> 00:18:34,433
- I mean that's, that's not gonna work.
- Selina: Yeah.
478
00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:36,809
It will if I give a speech in support
479
00:18:36,810 --> 00:18:39,850
of local law enforcement
and that cop who killed
480
00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:42,016
that kid who threatened
him with the candy bar!
481
00:18:42,017 --> 00:18:45,767
Wh... okay, so you wanna blow a
dog whistle in a black church?
482
00:18:45,768 --> 00:18:48,933
I mean, that's like blowing a rape
whistle while you're raping somebody.
483
00:18:48,934 --> 00:18:51,225
- Exactly.
- Speak truth to powerless.
484
00:18:51,226 --> 00:18:53,100
I like that very much.
Write that down, Leon.
485
00:18:53,101 --> 00:18:54,642
- I will do that.
- Here's the fruit.
486
00:18:54,643 --> 00:18:57,725
Honeydew? If I wanna pretend
to be in the CNN green room,
487
00:18:57,726 --> 00:19:01,642
I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and
call that Christiane Amanpour.
488
00:19:01,643 --> 00:19:03,308
TANZ: Jonah-lah!
489
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,975
What's this meshugas about you
dropping out of the race?
490
00:19:05,976 --> 00:19:07,725
That can't happen. Chicken?
491
00:19:07,726 --> 00:19:09,433
Mr. Tanz, they say that I
have no chance of winning.
492
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,100
Who said anything about winning?
493
00:19:11,101 --> 00:19:13,016
You. I thought you said I
was gonna be president.
494
00:19:13,017 --> 00:19:14,558
No, you did. (chuckles)
495
00:19:14,559 --> 00:19:17,225
Made me chuckle every time. I
never thought you could win.
496
00:19:17,226 --> 00:19:18,975
Well, then why the fuck
am I running, sir?
497
00:19:18,976 --> 00:19:20,350
As terribly as you're doing,
498
00:19:20,351 --> 00:19:22,058
you're still winning delegates.
499
00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:24,016
Mostly crazy cuckoos,
500
00:19:24,017 --> 00:19:26,308
but you multiply that by fifty states,
501
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:28,850
I can force the party
to make some tweaks
502
00:19:28,851 --> 00:19:30,642
to the platform at the convention.
503
00:19:30,643 --> 00:19:33,517
Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da!
504
00:19:33,518 --> 00:19:35,308
I need potheads in my prisons.
505
00:19:35,309 --> 00:19:37,517
Otherwise it's just
murderers and rapists.
506
00:19:37,518 --> 00:19:39,850
It makes for a very
unpleasant atmosphere.
507
00:19:39,851 --> 00:19:41,642
I wish I'd aborted myself.
508
00:19:41,643 --> 00:19:43,600
Wait, so no one's really
trying to make me president?
509
00:19:43,601 --> 00:19:45,408
- No.
- Wait, so this is all just
510
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,684
to keep The Chronic illegal?
511
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,183
Now he gets it! Plus,
512
00:19:48,184 --> 00:19:50,767
I need more casino licenses for Macau.
513
00:19:50,768 --> 00:19:52,266
I know it sounds a little specific,
514
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:54,684
but in the end it'll
benefit all Americans.
515
00:19:54,685 --> 00:19:56,308
Toodle-oo!
516
00:19:56,309 --> 00:19:58,642
DR. JORDAN THOMAS JR.:
President Selina Meyer.
517
00:19:58,643 --> 00:20:00,392
- Hello, Reverend.
- Good for you, girl.
518
00:20:00,393 --> 00:20:01,725
I can't believe you did this.
519
00:20:01,726 --> 00:20:03,058
- Yeah.
- You don't quit.
520
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:05,058
- No, I don't.
- Oh, I like that.
521
00:20:05,059 --> 00:20:06,433
- Do you? Okay. Good.
- I do.
522
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:08,558
- And I love that little hat.
- Thank you.
523
00:20:08,559 --> 00:20:10,642
Yeah, this whole congregation's gonna
love that little hat. (laughs)
524
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:15,266
(chuckles) Oh, God, I think
he has a crush on me.
525
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:16,809
- Yeah.
- He does not, ma'am.
526
00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:17,933
Oh, come on.
527
00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:19,975
I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie.
528
00:20:19,976 --> 00:20:22,266
- Okay.
- I mean, not that it matters.
529
00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:26,058
He certainly isn't gonna
after I read this manifesto.
530
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,600
Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am?
531
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,017
Oh, granted.
532
00:20:31,351 --> 00:20:32,433
DR. JORDAN THOMAS, JR.:
Good morning, everybody.
533
00:20:32,434 --> 00:20:33,767
CONGREGATION: Good morning.
534
00:20:33,768 --> 00:20:35,933
Uh, we have a special guest today.
535
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:38,809
I'm pretty sure that you can imagine
536
00:20:38,810 --> 00:20:43,329
that I'm a firm supporter of the
separation of church and state.
537
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:44,475
(congregation exclaiming agreement)
538
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,850
- Because this is the Lord's house.
- (all exclaiming agreement)
539
00:20:46,851 --> 00:20:48,183
Not the White House.
540
00:20:48,184 --> 00:20:50,600
But soon to be the "Black House."
541
00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:53,475
(al cheering)
542
00:20:53,476 --> 00:20:56,517
Brothers and sisters, please
welcome President Selina Meyer.
543
00:20:56,518 --> 00:20:58,892
Thank you. Thank you, Reverend.
544
00:20:58,893 --> 00:21:00,225
Mm-hmm.
545
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:02,475
- Good morning.
- CONGREGATION: Good morning.
546
00:21:02,476 --> 00:21:08,350
I don't need to tell you that
church is a special place.
547
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,850
DR. JORDAN THOMAS, JR.: That's right.
548
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:12,850
But it's also a place
for truth, isn't it?
549
00:21:12,851 --> 00:21:14,809
That's right. That's right.
550
00:21:14,810 --> 00:21:18,809
And what happened recently
in your community
551
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:22,183
to that young boy is very sad.
552
00:21:22,184 --> 00:21:23,684
CONGREGATION: Mm-hmm.
553
00:21:23,685 --> 00:21:26,594
But here's the hard truth.
554
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:31,559
- There are many victims here.
- (muttering)
555
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,726
SEINA: And you might
not wanna hear this.
556
00:21:37,601 --> 00:21:42,308
But the real victims are the police...
557
00:21:42,309 --> 00:21:44,141
(muttering)
558
00:21:44,142 --> 00:21:47,308
..."ing."
559
00:21:47,309 --> 00:21:53,308
Policing... that America
does in the South China Sea.
560
00:21:53,309 --> 00:21:54,975
That's right. I went there.
561
00:21:54,976 --> 00:21:58,558
It is time for America to recognize
562
00:21:58,559 --> 00:22:02,266
Chinese sovereignty
over the Diaoyu Islands
563
00:22:02,267 --> 00:22:04,350
and the disputed mineral rights
564
00:22:04,351 --> 00:22:06,100
of the surrounding seabed.
565
00:22:06,101 --> 00:22:07,642
Can I get an amen?
566
00:22:07,643 --> 00:22:10,016
- WOMAN: What?
- Amen.
567
00:22:10,017 --> 00:22:12,016
Hello, everyone. I'm Mike McLintock,
568
00:22:12,017 --> 00:22:16,058
and Mc-welcome to the first episode
of "McLintock... "I mean "talk."
569
00:22:16,059 --> 00:22:18,016
Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive.
570
00:22:18,017 --> 00:22:19,933
We are getting the first
national interview
571
00:22:19,934 --> 00:22:22,016
with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor,
572
00:22:22,017 --> 00:22:24,892
who it turns out is not
a dog, but a human.
573
00:22:24,893 --> 00:22:26,902
Mayor Richard Splett, are you there?
574
00:22:26,903 --> 00:22:29,183
Hi, Mike. Big fan of the show.
575
00:22:29,184 --> 00:22:32,100
Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?
576
00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:33,403
Oh, I'm no hero.
577
00:22:33,404 --> 00:22:34,725
I'm just a mayor who now,
578
00:22:34,726 --> 00:22:36,809
temporarily, has a Slurpee
machine in his office.
579
00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:38,183
- Well...
- I need my iPad.
580
00:22:38,184 --> 00:22:40,058
(sighs) Mayor Splett, did you realize
581
00:22:40,059 --> 00:22:41,892
what you were doing was so courageous?
582
00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:44,308
- Oh, good question.
- Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.
583
00:22:44,309 --> 00:22:46,975
I guess I just did what anybody
would do if they were there.
584
00:22:46,976 --> 00:22:48,975
Except the people who were
there and didn't do anything.
585
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:50,058
You heard it here first.
586
00:22:50,059 --> 00:22:51,975
Stick around for more McLintock
587
00:22:51,976 --> 00:22:54,475
with Mike McLin-talk.
588
00:22:54,476 --> 00:22:57,225
KEITH: Spare a nanosecond
for First Mate Quinn?
589
00:22:57,226 --> 00:22:58,434
What do you want, Keith?
590
00:23:00,893 --> 00:23:03,225
Wow. Okay.
591
00:23:03,226 --> 00:23:06,850
Wo zai zehli bangmang.
592
00:23:06,851 --> 00:23:08,600
Uh, is that Mandarin?
593
00:23:08,601 --> 00:23:10,558
Yes, it was. I happen to consult
594
00:23:10,559 --> 00:23:13,308
for a number of very large
clients in Asia who have
595
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:15,767
a strong interest in
Sino-American relations,
596
00:23:15,768 --> 00:23:19,684
and they were very, very impressed
and delighted by your sermon.
597
00:23:19,685 --> 00:23:21,767
(laughs) I don't know what
you're talking about...
598
00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:23,725
I would say that we're
well past the point
599
00:23:23,726 --> 00:23:25,350
of plausible deniability at this point.
600
00:23:25,351 --> 00:23:28,850
I... you know, I haven't
committed to, um, anything...
601
00:23:28,851 --> 00:23:30,725
- Well, actually...
- Hi, ma'am.
602
00:23:30,726 --> 00:23:32,100
- Yeah?
- Can I share the news with you?
603
00:23:32,101 --> 00:23:33,266
- What?
- You need to hear this.
604
00:23:33,267 --> 00:23:35,183
Look. Faith-based initiative just raised
605
00:23:35,184 --> 00:23:37,266
twenty-five million dollars.
606
00:23:37,267 --> 00:23:38,850
Wow. Way to go, buddy!
607
00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:42,004
All of a sudden, out of
nowhere! Anonymously.
608
00:23:42,006 --> 00:23:43,035
What? Um...
609
00:23:43,037 --> 00:23:44,684
Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am.
610
00:23:44,685 --> 00:23:45,933
Okay.
611
00:23:45,934 --> 00:23:47,600
It must've been the video I made, right?
612
00:23:47,601 --> 00:23:49,433
Well, I can't think of any other reason.
613
00:23:49,434 --> 00:23:51,183
Well, let's be honest. God had
a lot to do with it, too.
614
00:23:51,184 --> 00:23:53,016
- Oh, sure! Yeah.
- (laughs)
615
00:23:53,017 --> 00:23:53,974
It's a miracle.
616
00:23:53,976 --> 00:23:55,350
Let's go spend twenty-five
million dollars
617
00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:56,475
on some racist robo callers.
618
00:23:56,476 --> 00:23:57,558
- Praise the Lord.
- Right?
619
00:23:57,559 --> 00:23:59,605
JONAH: Thank you.
620
00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:04,058
You know who else thinks that
I don't have the intelligence
621
00:24:04,059 --> 00:24:06,475
or the "tentrament" to be president?
622
00:24:06,476 --> 00:24:09,975
- My very own campaign staff.
- (muttering)
623
00:24:09,976 --> 00:24:10,975
JONAH: That's right.
624
00:24:10,976 --> 00:24:12,642
They have been trying to stop me
625
00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:14,016
from becoming president.
626
00:24:14,017 --> 00:24:15,308
- (booing)
- JONAH: Yeah, no... yeah, boo!
627
00:24:15,309 --> 00:24:16,266
Let 'em have it.
628
00:24:16,267 --> 00:24:18,433
That is my campaign chair,
629
00:24:18,434 --> 00:24:19,475
Amy Brookheimer.
630
00:24:19,476 --> 00:24:22,016
She recently had an abortion.
631
00:24:22,017 --> 00:24:24,684
And that is my chief
strategist, Teddy Sykes,
632
00:24:24,685 --> 00:24:26,141
and he is an overgrown midget
633
00:24:26,142 --> 00:24:27,725
who had to be chemically castrated.
634
00:24:27,726 --> 00:24:30,725
- (gasping)
- And that guy right there,
635
00:24:30,726 --> 00:24:32,308
that's Eric something.
636
00:24:32,309 --> 00:24:34,433
- Bill Ericsson.
- That's Eric Bill Ericsson,
637
00:24:34,434 --> 00:24:37,141
and he thinks he's better than
everybody else in this room.
638
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:39,725
- (booing)
- I've never seen anything like this.
639
00:24:39,726 --> 00:24:42,439
He's actually running
against his own campaign.
640
00:24:42,441 --> 00:24:43,850
Macau, here we come.
641
00:24:43,851 --> 00:24:45,323
And one more thing.
642
00:24:45,325 --> 00:24:47,517
I just found out from my
stupid stepfather that...
643
00:24:47,518 --> 00:24:48,767
TEDDY: Father-in-law!
644
00:24:48,768 --> 00:24:50,642
...from my stupid stepfather-in-law
645
00:24:50,643 --> 00:24:54,016
that math was created by Muslims.
646
00:24:54,017 --> 00:24:55,517
(shouting)
647
00:24:55,518 --> 00:24:59,933
Yeah. And we teach this
Islamic math to children.
648
00:24:59,934 --> 00:25:03,392
Math teachers are terrorists.
649
00:25:03,393 --> 00:25:04,600
(gasping)
650
00:25:04,601 --> 00:25:05,968
- I love this.
- Okay. That, that's it.
651
00:25:05,969 --> 00:25:08,034
I may be a registered sex offender,
652
00:25:08,035 --> 00:25:10,392
but I cannot be a part
of this. I'm, I'm gone.
653
00:25:10,393 --> 00:25:13,308
Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.
654
00:25:13,309 --> 00:25:17,809
Under a Ryan presidency, I
will ban this Sharia math
655
00:25:17,810 --> 00:25:20,475
from being taught to American children.
656
00:25:20,476 --> 00:25:22,225
- Amy, are you coming?
- JONAH: There will be no more math.
657
00:25:22,226 --> 00:25:23,642
One sec.
658
00:25:23,643 --> 00:25:29,058
JONAH AND CROWD:
(chanting) No more math!
659
00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:34,975
God fuck America. No
more math! No more math!
660
00:25:34,976 --> 00:25:36,850
JONAH AND CROWD:
(chanting) No more math!
661
00:25:36,851 --> 00:25:39,767
(grunts)
662
00:25:39,768 --> 00:25:43,225
No... are you... She's fine. She's fine.
663
00:25:44,434 --> 00:25:45,725
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
664
00:25:45,726 --> 00:25:47,183
If we lose, it certainly won't be
665
00:25:47,184 --> 00:25:49,767
for lack of touching
people in a Denny's.
666
00:25:49,768 --> 00:25:52,725
- All right. So, how's the turnout?
- BEN: Uh, like my prostate.
667
00:25:52,726 --> 00:25:54,771
Mostly black and much
larger than we'd like.
668
00:25:54,773 --> 00:25:55,768
(overlaps) Oh, shit.
669
00:25:55,770 --> 00:25:58,558
We're seeing unprecedented levels of
African-American voter engagement.
670
00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:02,225
All right. Well, that's
terrible... but also inspiring.
671
00:26:02,226 --> 00:26:03,933
Welcome to "McLintock Embedded."
672
00:26:03,934 --> 00:26:05,642
- Oh! We're live.
- Madam President,
673
00:26:05,643 --> 00:26:07,016
would you like to say
something to our viewers?
674
00:26:07,017 --> 00:26:09,642
Sure, um, if you haven't
voted, please...
675
00:26:09,643 --> 00:26:12,767
Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call.
I apologize, it's Wendy.
676
00:26:12,768 --> 00:26:13,767
Oh.
677
00:26:13,768 --> 00:26:15,684
Hey. No, now is a good time.
678
00:26:15,685 --> 00:26:18,100
- MIKE: What's up?
- Can't buy that kind of press.
679
00:26:18,101 --> 00:26:19,975
- I'm sorry.
- I need to talk to you.
680
00:26:19,976 --> 00:26:21,016
Sparkling water, ma'am?
681
00:26:21,017 --> 00:26:22,267
Yes, oh, perfect.
682
00:26:23,476 --> 00:26:27,850
Close the door. Okay.
Ben, I sold my soul
683
00:26:27,851 --> 00:26:31,183
to the Chinese for a lousy
twenty-five million dollars.
684
00:26:31,184 --> 00:26:32,600
Ma'am, I warned you.
685
00:26:32,601 --> 00:26:34,254
You cannot trust the Chinese.
686
00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:36,100
I married enough of them to know that.
687
00:26:36,101 --> 00:26:37,433
Wait, isn't your wife Korean?
688
00:26:37,434 --> 00:26:39,600
Maybe. Fog of war.
689
00:26:39,601 --> 00:26:40,725
(knocking on door)
690
00:26:40,726 --> 00:26:41,809
Ma'am. You wanna see this.
691
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:43,308
Something's happening.
692
00:26:43,309 --> 00:26:45,433
CORA: ...poll watchers
are reporting that over
693
00:26:45,434 --> 00:26:48,392
forty-eight thousand black
voters were turned away
694
00:26:48,393 --> 00:26:50,892
because their middle
initials on the voter rolls
695
00:26:50,893 --> 00:26:53,100
did not match their identification.
696
00:26:53,101 --> 00:26:54,975
- Wait, what?
- DAN: Yeah, listen to this.
697
00:26:54,976 --> 00:26:56,975
"Widespread power outages
across the state,
698
00:26:56,976 --> 00:26:58,725
and police are urging residents
699
00:26:58,726 --> 00:27:00,308
to stay at home for their own safety."
700
00:27:00,309 --> 00:27:01,892
"The outages seem to be occurring
701
00:27:01,893 --> 00:27:04,433
primarily in African
American neighborhoods."
702
00:27:04,434 --> 00:27:05,642
It's a total blackout.
703
00:27:05,643 --> 00:27:07,475
- Okay, Ben!
- Oh, ma'am, big news.
704
00:27:07,476 --> 00:27:08,892
- Wendy just got a call.
- What?!
705
00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:10,642
We're gonna adopt another
baby from China!
706
00:27:10,643 --> 00:27:12,642
You know, I think it's that
secret message that I...
707
00:27:12,643 --> 00:27:15,266
No, no! (stuttering) Move!
708
00:27:15,267 --> 00:27:16,809
(all shouting indistinctly)
709
00:27:16,810 --> 00:27:18,517
MAN: We got three hours
left. We can turn this.
710
00:27:18,518 --> 00:27:19,642
DAN: ...call the Precinct
Captains right now.
711
00:27:19,643 --> 00:27:21,517
MAN: We can turn this!
712
00:27:21,518 --> 00:27:25,350
I think the Chinese just delivered.
713
00:27:25,351 --> 00:27:26,601
And?
714
00:27:29,859 --> 00:27:33,809
Thank you, South Carolina!
715
00:27:33,810 --> 00:27:38,225
We had an amazing turnout on our side.
716
00:27:38,226 --> 00:27:40,642
(crowd cheering)
717
00:27:40,643 --> 00:27:42,225
Yeah!
718
00:27:42,226 --> 00:27:45,642
And you know how I like
to celebrate when I win?
719
00:27:45,643 --> 00:27:46,642
ALL: How?!
720
00:27:46,643 --> 00:27:49,016
By winning some more!
721
00:27:49,017 --> 00:27:50,350
- Balloons.
- (music playing over speakers)
722
00:27:50,351 --> 00:27:54,601
(all cheering)
723
00:28:05,476 --> 00:28:08,225
From now on, I do what I want,
724
00:28:08,226 --> 00:28:12,850
I take what I want, whenever
I want it. (chuckles)
725
00:28:12,851 --> 00:28:14,392
"New Selina Now."
726
00:28:14,393 --> 00:28:16,058
Let's watch my victory speech again.
727
00:28:16,059 --> 00:28:17,308
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
728
00:28:17,309 --> 00:28:21,016
Uh, I don't... I don't have the remote.
729
00:28:21,017 --> 00:28:24,100
Oh, it's on the table by the chair.
730
00:28:25,517 --> 00:28:26,934
So go get it.
731
00:28:33,267 --> 00:28:34,850
Good morning, ma'am.
732
00:28:34,851 --> 00:28:37,266
Morning. Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes.
733
00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:39,308
Tell me straight. Do
they look okay to you?
734
00:28:39,309 --> 00:28:40,767
They look very puffy, ma'am.
735
00:28:40,768 --> 00:28:42,350
- Ugh.
- GARY: Hey.
736
00:28:42,351 --> 00:28:44,100
Hey, good morning. Morning,
ma'am. Marjorie.
737
00:28:44,101 --> 00:28:45,475
- Morning.
- Gary.
738
00:28:45,476 --> 00:28:46,558
- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah.
739
00:28:46,559 --> 00:28:48,725
Do my eyes look puffy to you?
740
00:28:48,726 --> 00:28:50,809
I'm surprised they let
you run for president,
741
00:28:50,810 --> 00:28:53,308
because you look thirty-four, tops.
742
00:28:53,309 --> 00:28:56,933
(chuckles) Yeah. Marjorie, you're out.
743
00:28:56,934 --> 00:28:58,975
- (chuckles)
- And you're... back in.
744
00:28:58,976 --> 00:29:01,141
Okay? You just go back to
whatever you were doing before.
745
00:29:01,142 --> 00:29:03,000
- Finance Chair.
- All right, well, whatever.
746
00:29:03,001 --> 00:29:04,850
So who's in charge of the
faith-based outreach now?
747
00:29:04,851 --> 00:29:06,183
- Not it.
- You are.
748
00:29:06,184 --> 00:29:07,600
- Oh, I am?
- Yeah, yeah. You still are.
749
00:29:07,601 --> 00:29:09,517
And Keith Quinn'll help
you out too, I think.
750
00:29:09,518 --> 00:29:12,475
Yes, there you go. So, your
name will be all over it.
751
00:29:12,476 --> 00:29:14,600
Like Jodie Foster in
John Hinckley's diary.
752
00:29:14,601 --> 00:29:15,975
Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her.
753
00:29:15,976 --> 00:29:18,600
- Let's go.
- (chuckles)
754
00:29:18,601 --> 00:29:21,558
Congratulations, Gary.
The better woman won.
755
00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:25,892
I'll take that. Thank you.
756
00:29:25,893 --> 00:29:27,225
I moved some things around.
757
00:29:27,226 --> 00:29:30,583
Oh, (chuckling) did you?
Wow. It looks better.
758
00:29:30,584 --> 00:29:31,571
Mm-hmm.
759
00:29:31,573 --> 00:29:33,413
The tampons are vertical,
that's brilliant...
760
00:29:33,414 --> 00:29:35,261
- SELINA: Gary?
- Yep?
761
00:29:35,262 --> 00:29:36,558
Shouldn't you be pre-chewing
762
00:29:36,559 --> 00:29:37,809
my mother's food for her?
763
00:29:37,810 --> 00:29:39,642
I told her her eyes looked puffy.
764
00:29:39,643 --> 00:29:42,141
(scoffs) Thank you, chipmunk.
765
00:29:42,142 --> 00:29:44,027
You're welcome, Catherine.
766
00:29:45,476 --> 00:29:47,141
Hey-O, Dan-O! You bustin' outta here?
767
00:29:47,142 --> 00:29:48,975
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need an itinerary.
768
00:29:48,976 --> 00:29:52,642
Itineraries are only for people
who work on the campaign.
769
00:29:52,643 --> 00:29:54,059
And?
770
00:29:56,392 --> 00:30:00,475
Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?!
771
00:30:00,476 --> 00:30:02,475
Per Selina. I believe her words were,
772
00:30:02,476 --> 00:30:04,517
"If I need another Washington douche,
773
00:30:04,518 --> 00:30:06,308
I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid."
774
00:30:06,309 --> 00:30:08,642
You should flip through your NDA.
775
00:30:08,643 --> 00:30:11,892
If you breathe a word
of anything, to anyone,
776
00:30:11,893 --> 00:30:14,517
we'll slit your throat.
777
00:30:14,518 --> 00:30:15,893
Later, gator!
778
00:30:20,392 --> 00:30:22,850
GREG HART: Congressman Ryan placed
a distant third last night.
779
00:30:22,851 --> 00:30:24,183
Where does the campaign go from here?
780
00:30:24,184 --> 00:30:27,350
Third place was a massive win for us.
781
00:30:27,351 --> 00:30:30,877
Selina Meyer and Kemi
Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan
782
00:30:30,878 --> 00:30:31,930
breathing down their necks.
783
00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:33,016
Jonah Ryan said he's been lying
784
00:30:33,017 --> 00:30:34,350
to everyone the whole time.
785
00:30:34,351 --> 00:30:35,725
Why should anyone trust him now?
786
00:30:35,726 --> 00:30:38,777
Frankly, Jonah Ryan
is the only candidate
787
00:30:38,778 --> 00:30:40,945
who's honest about his dishonesty.
788
00:30:40,946 --> 00:30:45,016
And that is why Jonah Ryan is the
next President of the United States.
789
00:30:45,017 --> 00:30:47,729
Speaking as someone who's covered
politics for twenty years,
790
00:30:47,730 --> 00:30:49,903
- Jonah Ryan terrifies me.
- That's your opinion.
791
00:30:49,904 --> 00:30:51,892
I find his mindless,
toxic fear-mongering
792
00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:55,383
a dangerous addition to our already
divisive political climate.
793
00:30:55,384 --> 00:30:56,530
Again, your opinion.
794
00:30:56,531 --> 00:30:58,170
Tomorrow morning, we will be live
795
00:30:58,171 --> 00:31:00,433
with exclusive coverage of
Congressman Ryan's rally
796
00:31:00,434 --> 00:31:03,400
in Youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.
797
00:31:03,401 --> 00:31:06,555
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
798
00:31:06,557 --> 00:31:09,819
Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in
799
00:31:09,820 --> 00:31:11,205
'cause last I heard,
800
00:31:11,207 --> 00:31:12,558
you can't run for office
and be in prison.
801
00:31:12,559 --> 00:31:13,775
BEN CAFFERTY: Well, maybe
in the House you can't.
802
00:31:13,777 --> 00:31:15,642
MAN: Our government has assigned you
803
00:31:15,643 --> 00:31:17,892
your very own Secret Service detail.
804
00:31:17,893 --> 00:31:19,475
Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.
805
00:31:19,476 --> 00:31:21,850
Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror!
806
00:31:21,851 --> 00:31:22,954
Yeah, a hot mirror.
807
00:31:22,955 --> 00:31:26,266
I have always been transparent
about how old I am.
808
00:31:26,267 --> 00:31:28,392
- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.
809
00:31:28,393 --> 00:31:30,225
- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.
810
00:31:30,226 --> 00:31:31,432
Last night...
811
00:31:31,434 --> 00:31:33,225
I don't like when people
get closer to talk to me.
812
00:31:33,226 --> 00:31:34,725
It usually means they're gonna be facing
813
00:31:34,726 --> 00:31:35,975
a longer prison sentence.
814
00:31:35,976 --> 00:31:38,766
- ...I saw Andrew.
- The prosecution rests.
62366
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