Original subtitles

Whoo-hoo!

ADULT TIMMY: My parents rarely went away,

but when they did, we took full advantage.

- [Engine revs] - Whoa!

[Crashing]

Coming through!

I overindulged in TV viewing...

game shows, Westerns, sitcoms...

putting all my imaginary TV friends through their paces.

Dance for me, monkeys.

You should take a break.

You've been glued to that box

since Mom and Dad left on Friday.

You're a regular Joseph Benti from Channel Seven News.

Now here's Dr. George Fischbeck with the weather.

Can I watch my show now?

Go to hell.

Hm.

I'm guessing I'm the only one who chose to attend Sunday mass?

I got up and went to the 6:30... had my pick of the pews.

And what are you guys gonna say

when Mom and Dad ask if you went?

Can I see that for a second?

"Look, Mom, I brought home a church bulletin."

What in the Sam Hill?!

What's up?

What's up is Mom and Dad will be home any minute,

and this kitchen is a sty in which pigs would live!

A pig sty?

Saying the words I just said in a different order

doesn't make this place any less like a dump

in which garbage is kept.

You're right. If Mom and Dad see this,

they won't hug us and tell us they love us anymore.

[Laughter]

Don't you dare add to this mess.

There's a cockroach on that dish.

Aah!

What'd you do that for?!

I was helping!

We're smashing stuff?

Cool.

Stop it!

WILLIAM: The bug's out here now!

[Sighs]

- There he is! - Stomp him!

[Both grunt]

Bug, one... you guys, zero.

I don't see him anymore.

Uh, he's on your head.

Hold still!

JOEY: Got him.

[Chuckling] Yeah.

Whoo, that little guy runs fast.

PAT: I like him. I like him a lot!

Because he's so fast, I'm gonna name him Mitch.

That makes no sense.

None at all!

Now, the only question is,

what's the funnest way to kill him?

Cockroaches are remarkable creatures.

Did you know they can live for a week

with their head chopped off?

I have my answer.

Please don't decapitate Mitch!

What choice do I have?

Lawrence was talking about a bar near Santa Anita

where they hold cockroach races.

Fastest roach wins a $50 prize.

What's a filthy cockroach gonna do with $50?

It's your lucky day, bug.

You get to live just long enough to earn me some righteous coin.

- Mom and Dad just pulled up! - [Brakes squealing]

I should probably go change the baby's diaper.

Did you miss me, Mama?

What do you think?

- I missed you, too! - [Sighs]

[Groans]

Against all odds, the house is still standing.

The fact that we're happy to come home to this seems sad.

Look at this pig sty.

It's like a garbage dump.

How long you been watching that?

I just turned it on.

The bowl of wax fruit is melting.

- You're done. - [TV clicks]

♪

The baby seems okay, but they all look the same.

Kids could've switched him out, and we'd never know.

They were returning from a church-sanctioned weekend

to strengthen Catholic marriages

run by a bunch of men who'd never been married.

Hey, how'd Marriage Encounter go?

Did you guys deepen your relationship

with each other and God?

Well, hard to say, but there was a waffle bar.

Five different kinds of syrup.

Your dad embarrassed himself.

[Chuckles] I went a little crazy.

The best part, the food, the room,

all beautifully free

thanks to the Shipleys pulling out at the last minute

'cause their dumb kid broke his leg.

The skateboard they got him for Christmas

ended up being a gift for us.

So I'm guessing you skipped the empathy exercises.

Oh, no. We went to that one.

Got a, uh, free pen.

Ah, you can sign that kid's cast.

"Thanks for the weekend in Malibu, you klutz!"

[Both laugh]

You know, your marriage might have benefited

from some honest examination.

[Scoffs] Don't be an idiot. Our marriage is a rock...

a rock you don't want to look under.

Same reason we don't go to the dentist.

You know who took all the exercises seriously?

- Wendi's parents. - Whoa, that was a firework show.

You do not want to ask Janelle Falkenberry

what makes her feel "not heard."

I'll tell you where she was heard...

all the way to Catalina.

[Chuckling] Oh, and Wendi's dad

boo-hooing like he was watching "Brian's Song."

And then, he drove off without her.

And without his free pen.

Last time we saw Wendi's mom, she was hitch-hiking along PCH.

You didn't pick her up?

My policy is my policy.

Oh.

Hi there, Wendi.

Your dad forgot his pen.

[Chuckles]

[Williams' "Olympic Fanfare and Theme" plays]

♪

This bug is a thoroughbred!

Look at you having feelings for another living thing.

There's no feelings.

I look at this bug, I see dollar signs.

I want to race him at the bar you go to.

You're 14.

I've got an I.D. that says I'm 33 with five kids.

Why would that be on an I.D.?

Now you sound like the bouncer at Chug-a-Lug's.

I mean, you're not 21. How do you get into McSorley's?

Well, the first time I went, I was a seminarian.

And it's one of those old-school Irish places

where everyone's got a fun nickname,

like "Sully" or "Violent Alcoholic."

So you show up in a collar, they roll out the red carpet.

Although McSorley's is more

of a vomit-soaked piece of cardboard.

But you still put on your God threads and go.

Yeah, every once in a while.

[Laughs] I like it!

Father Larry's got a taste for the hooch.

No, it's not like that.

It's, uh... there's a waitress that works there, Fiona.

Ah, that's what you've got a taste for.

- Look who's suddenly interesting. - Yeah.

I can't help you get into McSorley's.

But maybe think about joining the seminary, Joe.

- [Door opens] - How would I explain that

to my five kids?!

[Door closes]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

[Deep voice] "I forgive you, my son."

[Chuckles]

My TV binge of the previous weekend was just a warm-up

for the big event... the annual Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon,

or "The Thon," as cool people like me called it.

You know, I don't care for the French,

but they're right about this guy.

20 hours featuring the best of Vegas, Broadway,

and some animal acts

which I now feel complicit for enjoying.

Who knew orangutans don't ride tricycles voluntarily?

- [Both laugh] - It was a big, gaudy schmaltz-fest,

and I suckled it like a calf on a teat.

Dad, can I take the car?

Don't hit anybody. My insurance is high enough.

And, listen, if Wendi calls, you don't know where I went.

I don't know where you went.

My leather-crafting class.

Oh, make me a pair of wingtips.

Where's that one off to?

He's got leather class.

Since when?

He should be over there comforting Wendi.

Poor girl's parents just split up.

Her dad moved to Phoenix or Portland or...

Mr. Falkenberry moved to Provo, Utah.

I knew it was a "P" town.

You know what? I should be headed to P town.

I drank like a gallon of root beer.

Oh, if Wendi calls, we don't know where Eddie went.

- He's lying to her? - No, honey, we are.

But only if she calls.

I will not be an accomplice

to whatever Italian-style philandering

Eddie's trying to inflict on that girl.

What philandering? He's making some shoes.

Oh, Mike, sometimes I wonder if you live in the real world.

- I should call Wendi right now. - No, don't do that.

Whatever Eddie's doing, he has his reasons.

I trust him more than I trust Wendi.

A little too self-assured, that one...

all pretty and bright.

The very fact that she's with Eddie

makes me wonder what she's up to.

Well, I suspect there's some self-esteem issues there.

- She is coming from a broken home. - Mm.

Plus, living alone in that house with Janelle

- can't be a bowl of cherries. - [Laughs]

Mrs. Falkenberry isn't living with Wendi.

She just started graduate school at UC Riverside

to study ornithology.

Where do you get all this stuff?

I'm their paperboy.

We ask a lot of intrusive questions

when people try to cancel their subscriptions.

Okay, scram. It's bedtime.

B-But it's "The Thon"!

Come on, Mom, it's for Jerry's Kids.

I barely care about my kids.

Beat it!

Hey.

You see what's going on here?

No mom, no dad... Wendi's living there unsupervised.

And you wanted to send Eddie over there to comfort her.

It's a good thing he's at that leather class.

There is no leather class, you rube!

Let's not use language we're gonna regret, Peg.

♪

Why are you dressed like a train conductor?

I've been having a really fun adventure today, all by myself.

I'm going back out there.

Uh, Mom made it pretty clear she wanted us gone.

You don't get it, William.

With the telethon, anything can happen...

a historic reunion between Jerry and Dean,

Mitzi Gaynor performing with the cast of "Pippin."

I mean, if I miss that, what will I talk about

with the kids at school?

Mom and Dad are in there discussing grown-up stuff.

Who cares what they're discussing,

as long as they keep it down so I can hear

the comedy stylings of Willie Tyler and Lester.

♪

- Want to play checkers? - Wish I could,

but the 7:20 to Bakersfield is late.

- [Laughter on television] - PEGGY: Don't you see?

Eddie's not lying to Wendi... he's lying to us!

Those two are probably doing laps

in the Falkenberrys' waterbed as we speak.

- We need to get over there. - MIKE: No, no, no.

If you're wrong, you're just gonna bust open

whatever secret Eddie is hiding from Wendi.

And if you're right,

we're walking in on two redheads on a waterbed.

You want to see that? I don't.

Well, somebody's got to drive me.

At your service, Mom.

[Sighs] Frank, you're unbearable.

Let's go.

[Laughter on television]

[Door closes]

MAN: Is your sister still, uh, fooling around like...

- [Laughs] - [Laughter]

[Speaking indistinctly]

She had me over. Wait a second.

And after he passed, I missed him so much.

And then, one day, this little bird appeared in my yard.

He just sat there and watched me while I was working.

And I would swear to Christ

that sparrow was the spirit of my dead dad.

Is that even remotely possible, Father?

I'd have to see the bird to know for sure,

but I-I'd be shocked if it wasn't your dad.

That's what I told my wife.

She said reincarnation was more of a Hindu thing.

The Church is adding new stuff all the time.

I mean, the Pope hasn't gone wide with that one yet,

- but you'll be hearing about it. - Oh.

LAWRENCE: I have a question for you, Father.

Why do you look so young for a priest?

Will you excuse us?

- Sure. - Thanks.

I knew I'd find you here.

You should not have told that guy his father was a bird.

Isn't it our job to give people comfort through nonsense?

It's not either of our jobs.

- [Clears throat] - These are on the house, padres.

You just being here makes the rest of these animals

- less handsy. - [Chuckles]

Always nice seeing you, Father Lawrence.

Yeah, it's, uh... it's really nice to see you, too, Fiona.

I am taking you out of here before you embarrass both of us.

I've got these yokels totally snowed.

I'm marrying that couple on Saturday.

Then I'll just have to tell everyone you're not a priest.

I could do the same to you, starting with Fiona.

Mellow out. We've got a race to win.

[Sighs]

Look at the fire in his eyes.

I believe his eyes are on the other end.

Well then, he's got fire in his butt.

Either way, he's gonna go fast.

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

No, I only needed you to drive. You can wait in the car.

I-I feel I would be more helpful backing you up

on the scene, i-in case things go sideways.

You know how you can really be helpful?

And I'm not just making up busy work to get rid of you

- 'cause you annoy me. - Understood.

You go around the house and cover the back door.

In case they make a run for it.

- Smart! - [Scoffs]

[Doorbell rings]

[Door creaks]

Mrs. Cleary. I wasn't expecting you.

No, you weren't.

I wanted to give your mother a casserole,

so I brought it here because here is where she lives.

Wow.

A can of mushroom soup and green beans?

Want me to chew it for her, too?

- FRANK: I am in position! - [Sighs]

- What's that? - A reminder that I really need

a driver's license.

Huh. I heard something.

Eddie wouldn't be here, by any chance, hm?

Oh, no. But my mother is taking a nap upstairs.

Uh, sometimes she talks in her sleep.

Oh. Does she say, "I'm Eddie.

I hope my mom doesn't find me"?

Mrs. Cleary, I told you Eddie's not here.

Well, sometimes I think he's not home, and then... boom!

Unfortunately, there he is.

- Uh... Hm. - So, just to be sure...

Eddie!

I brought your favorite baseball card!

Dick Allen with the ridiculous sideburns.

I can't believe an adult man goes outside like that.

On the count of three, I'm tearing it to pieces.

- He's really not here. - Hm.

One... two... three!

I was wrong.

He's really not here.

Huh.

Which doesn't make a lick of sense,

'cause I know for a fact you're living alone now.

What?

It's true.

My mom decided to let me stay here alone,

just until we sell the house.

Then I have to move in with the nuns at school.

The convent? [Laughing] Oh.

Well, that would be a terrible place for Eddie

to try to hide in the closet!

Yes, I misled you.

But I told you the truth about Eddie.

Wendi, sometimes I lie to get my way,

and that's all right because it's me doing it.

But if someone tries to pull the wool over my eyes...

The wool wasn't for your eyes.

It was for Eddie's.

He's the one I'm keeping this a secret from.

You're lying to my Eddie?

And you're not just saying that to make me like you more?

Whenever he's over, I just say my mom's napping upstairs.

If he knew I was here alone,

he might assume that he can just come here any time

and we'll do stuff.

And I would like to keep control of that situation.

[Chuckling] Honey, you have to.

Men do not have an off switch.

Without women pumpin' the brakes,

they would have never built the pyramids

or that new Montgomery Ward at the Eagle Rock Mall.

So you understand?

[Scoffs] Of course.

[Sighs] Well, I'm gonna walk home now.

In a couple hours,

open the back door and tell Frank I'm gone.

He'll be in the bushes.

[Door opens and closes]

MAN: A nice night for racing.

I got a pipe in the ceiling that's leaking,

so, hopefully, he likes a wet track.

Can I get you another drink?

- I'll have... - Just a water, please.

What's the matter, Father?

You hit the Blood of Christ a little hard last night?

I don't understand why you aren't

- closing that deal. - [Sighs]

- She is a stone fox. - Well, Fiona thinks I'm a priest.

If I ask her out, I'm a sleazeball.

And if I tell her I lied, I'm also a sleazeball.

What about this... you say you're thinking about ditching

the whole priest racket to get it on with her hot bod?

But feel free to snooze it up with the Lawrence-speak.

Fixing old lies with new lies?

That'd be even sleazier.

I mean, look at Mitch here.

People are repulsed by him, but that's their problem.

He eats what he wants, goes where he wants,

and he's probably got a family under every refrigerator in L.A.

Father, is that cockroach story one of the Parables?

No, I'm trying to get you to grow a parables.

[Fanfare plays]

[Cheers and applause]

- Get me my money! - Are you ready?

MAN: All roaches and trainers to the starting gate!

- I got to get my bets in. - Final call for bets!

And of course, Wendi's got Eddie completely fooled

'cause she's so much smarter than he is.

Oh, that's gonna be true no matter who he dates.

Well, unless it's the Mullen girl,

the one who ran into that tree limb and now likes to hug a lot.

And you think it's a-okay, Wendi manipulating Eddie?

If it keeps our lummox son from having easy access to her.

I don't want any grandchildren till I'm old enough

so that I don't have to play with them.

She's lying to him, Peg.

But you didn't seem to mind

when you thought he was lying to her.

That was a one-time lie,

the kind men have to do all the time.

"Yes, honey, your hair looks nice,"

when it really looks like something

constructed by beavers.

But Wendi's lie?

[Laughs] That's a whole other megillah.

It's sneaky and complicated and female.

And totally justified, if you want the pyramids.

I'm just saying...

she shouldn't be afraid to communicate with Eddie.

"Communicate"?

You were listening at the Marriage Encounter.

You weren't just there for the waffles or the free pens!

- I knew it! - You know, I look at Wendi

leading our son around by the nose,

and it puts me in the mind of you, Peg,

when we were courting.

Yeah, yeah. I was very pretty.

You two have the same female wiles.

And me, just a raw kid thinking he had a steady girlfriend,

when you had another guy dangling on a string.

What other guy?

You mean Dave Borkowski?

I'm talking about Ray Mulvihill.

Who's Dave Borkowski?

Just a name I read in a book somewhere.

Yeah, well, stay on topic.

I remember when I finally put all the pieces together.

It made me feel foolish.

And feeling foolish

is not the best foundation for a relationship.

More Marriage Encounter hokum.

No, it's not hokum to want to trust the person

you're attempting to spend your life with.

And you don't trust me because I had a few boyfriends?

You said it yourself... I was prettier than Wendi.

[Door opens]

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Cleary.

I picked her up after leather class.

We wanted to show you the purse I made.

The big "W" is for "Wendi."

Oh, you see? Eddie wasn't hiding anything

except a nice surprise for his girlfriend.

Hey, Wendi.

Is there a little pocket in there

for you to keep your secrets?

I also made her mom a cute coin purse.

You need to give her that in person.

Your mom never seems to be awake when I'm around the house.

She'll love it, just like I love my purse.

Do you really love it, Wendi?

She just said she did, Mike.

Or are you taking Eddie for a buggy ride?

- Mike, stop. - Are we going on a buggy ride?

Uh, I don't know what you mean, Mr. Cleary.

Well, when someone isn't honest about one thing,

maybe they're not being honest about lots of stuff.

Okay, after we met,

I went roller-skating with Dave Borkowski.

- You happy? - Why don't you tell Eddie the truth...

that you're not living with your mother?

I asked him not to spill those beans, but here we go...

beans everywhere.

Your mom isn't there? Why didn't you tell me?

My parents divorcing has been a lot of change to deal with.

I just... didn't want everything changing with us, too...

you seeing me living alone as a chance to speed things up.

- You didn't trust me. - I guess.

Or maybe I didn't trust myself to be responsible.

Well, in a way, I guess this is kind of a relief.

With your mom always napping,

I was starting to get worried about her.

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

MAN: Get your final bets in.

The betting windows are closing.

I'm more excited than I thought I'd be.

It's not so much the race...

it's the pageantry that gets to me.

And they're in the gate.

Hold on!

One of our little fellas is getting ahead of himself.

- Get him back in the corral. Oh. - Aww.

False start.

Your little guy is trying to cheat.

Now he's walking kind of funny.

He hurt himself trying to take a head start.

Out of my way! Let me see.

You okay, Mitch?

You'll be all right, little guy.

MAN: We've got a late scratch in the first race.

[Bell clangs]

And they're off! "Paparoach" broke well.

It's "Rojo Tuna" and "Roach-el Welch"!

Who's it gonna be, folks? You never know!

Here they come up the straight length.

"Roach-el Welch" with the victory!

[Cheers and applause]

Eddie, can you understand

why Wendi was hesitant to tell the truth?

Now's your chance to be heard.

Well...

That's not how they did it at the Marriage Encounter.

How do you know? You weren't even listening.

I was half-listening so I could make fun of it.

Eddie, just because Wendi's living alone,

it's not an open invitation for you to show up

and slobber all over her.

Wendi, lying to a man you care about

is not the best way to start off a, ugh, relationship.

[Laughs] Thank you.

I think Eddie and I have both decided

we can spend time alone at my house

while still being responsible and taking things slow.

Very good open, honest communicating, Wendi.

♪

I can't believe I used those words.

- That weekend wasn't free. - No, it was not.

Meanwhile, back on "The Thon," history was being made...

a once-in-a-generation convergence

comparable to the tectonic plates

which formed the Himalayas.

JERRY: Ladies and gentlemen, John Lennon and Yoko.

[Cheers and applause]

Jerry's one of our favorite comedians.

This is your chance to sing!

[Music plays]

♪

♪ I'm sayin' ♪

ADULT TIMMY: This happened.

- This actually happened. - Come on, now!

♪ Give peace a chance ♪

And I couldn't believe my eyes,

or at least the inside of my eyelids.

I fell asleep and missed the whole thing.

♪

♪ Give peace a chance ♪

♪ Give peace a chance ♪

♪ Give peace a chance ♪

♪ Give peace a chance ♪

Come on, now! Give peace a chance!

A chance!

Well, they totally bought it.

I'd like to think the purse really put us over the top.

- It is so awful. Where did you get it? - At the Woolworth's.

Then I used a lighter to burn in the "W."

So now your mom and dad totally trust us,

and we can be alone and do whatever we want.

Well, you know what I can't stop thinking about?

- It's a buggy ride, isn't it? - Yep.

Sorry, buddy.

I pushed you too hard.

If you're interested, Father,

we usually take the losing roaches out back

and bet on which one the crow eats first.

Considering the bum leg, Mitch would be the favorite.

He might not be able to race, but he still has value.

I'm gonna put him out to stud.

♪

[Clears throat] Fiona.

Yeah, Father?

I have a confession to make.

I really like you and I'm not a priest.

Reaction?

- I don't know what to say. - You're right.

- I'm a disgusting sleazeball. - Calm down.

In this place, you wouldn't even crack the top 10.

[Pool balls clacking]

I've always thought you were a sweetheart.

And I wouldn't mind doing something about it.

[Chuckling] But why'd you think

you had to wear the collar?

'Cause, otherwise, they'd card me.

Because you're...?

20.

You're 20?

I'm 43.

Reaction?

Doesn't change a thing.

Murph, I'm going home!

♪ It's everywhere I go ♪

♪

♪ So if you really love me ♪

- ♪ Come on and let it show ♪ - [Door closes]

We can feel good about trusting those two.

I don't see the point

of all these webs you ladies like to weave.

ADULT TIMMY: Eddie and Wendi made two critical mistakes...

Eddie left the Woolworth's receipt inside the coin purse,

and Wendi asked him out in the first place.

I skillfully cut through all the lies.

Now everything's above board.

Yep.

- You cracked the case, Mike. - [Laughs]

Do you have a phone number for that fella at your work

looking to buy a house in our neighborhood?

- Why do you ask? - Hm.

[Knock on door]

Hello, Sister Vincent.

Is Wendi ready? We're gonna go to the movies.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

[Door creaks, thumps shut]

I'll... I'll just wait here.