All language subtitles for The Cool Kids s01e15 Mentors.eng

Wow, John.

A bike trip through
wine country sounds amazing.

Maybe next we'll take awine trip through bike country.

[chuckles]
No, I'm kidding.

I know there's no bike country.

Oh, there is?

Oh!

[laughs]:
Now you'rekidding.

Oh, I miss you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Bye-bye.

Charlie, will you
just shoot me in the head?

Now? Can I have
your bacon first?

I can't take a bike trip.

Oh, honey, 'cause your feet
won't reach the pedals?

My feet's about to reach
your face.

I never learned
to ride a bike, okay?

HANK:
Who cares?

Nothing sadderthan a grown man riding a bike.

Well, Rollerblades, I guess.

That said, what grown mandoesn't know how to ride a bike?

I never learned.

I got my first bicycle
when I was six.

I traded it in for a canopy bed.

I never got another one.
Bike, that is.

I'm on my ninth canopy bed.

So just tell John the truth.

I mean, I showed Kathleen
my toes,

and I think she'll get over it.

I can't tell John the truth.
We just started dating.

I have to be
the perfect version of myself.

Sid's right. Early on, you got
to put your best foot forward.

I once held in a fart
for a year.

When he finally dumped me, boy,did I let 'er rip. [chuckles]

Scared the hell out of my dog.

Great, Margaret.

Now I have something else
I got to worry about.

I'm on it.

Here's your beer, Mr. Hank.

Thank you, Ernie.

I assume you vacuumed as well?

-Yes, Mr. Hank.
Even under the bed. -Mm.

Well, just keep in mind,
some of that stuff

was there when I moved in.

Wait, hold on.
Who is this kid,

and when was he here
taking drink orders?

This is Ernie.
I'm his mentor.

You're mentoring someone?

Do people need to be taught
to be bitter and alone?

Ernie, never bring her a beer.

You may go.

Shady Meadows does a program
with the local high school.

See, me and Ernie, we supposed
to learn from each other,

but since
I already know everything,

I've been teaching him
the ways of the world.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You're just using this kid.

I mean, if anybody should
mentor him, it should be me.

I am wise as crap.

Margaret,
it's called a men-torship,

not a woman-torship.

Come on,
I'm looking out for him.

Do you have any idea

how treacherous
high school is for a nerd?

This doofus actually wanted
to go to the prom.

Well, what's wrong with that?

What is he,
a bad dancer or something?

[chuckles]
Is he a bad dancer?

Margaret, did you look at him?

I'm gonna guarantee
he is a bad dancer.

Well, that's just crazy.

He needs to go to prom.
It's the best.

Making out with your date
on the dance floor.

Banging the guy that youreally wanted to go with after.

Did I ever tell you
I was the prom queen?

Yes, you did, the day we met.

I believe it was right after,
"Hi. I'm Margaret."

Look, I was cool in high school.

Ernie is not.

I think it best he just
skip the prom and stay here

so he can alphabetize
my colognes.

Your colognes? What do...

You pay for that smell?

♪

I figured it'd be bestto practice on a stationary bike

before you get
on the real thing.

I owe my six-pack to this baby.

Maybe I don't need
to learn to ride a bike.

It's just gonna be
a matter of time

before John figures out
that we are not a good match.

He's active and fit. And me?

I can't even touch my toes,
and they're, like,

right there.

Look, Sid,you're out of your comfort zone.

That happens
with a new relationship.

And I don't want
to see you mess up

what you and John have
because you can't do something

that most five-year-olds can do.

I can do tons of things
a five-year-old can't do.

Could a five-year-old do this?

Probably.

-All right.
-Come on.

[mumbling]

[grunts]

[continues mumbling]

Okay.
Okay, you've never even seen

someone get on a bike, right?

You get in from the side.

Just like a canopy bed.

[laughs]: Oh! Well,now you're speaking my language.

[grunts]

Okay, there you go.

All right.
Now, picture this.

It's a long and winding road.

John is in front of you.

And he's-he's-he's sweating,

and he's in those tight
bicycle shorts, isn't he?

Uh, sure.

Here I come, John!

-Yeah.
-I'm riding a bike! [laughs]

I'm riding a bike.
[screams]

I should have told you,
it-it does that sometimes.

[knocking]

Oh. Uh, Mr. Hank's not home,

and he doesn't like anyone
in the house

while I'm ironing his delicates.

His delicates? I don't think
you can call them "delicates"

if you get them
out of a big bin at Costco.

Geez, are you doing
his whole wardrobe?

Well, as Mr. Hank says,

"A man without clothesis just a baby with chest hair."

Hank is so cool.

Does "cool" mean
something different nowadays?

You know, there is, uh, somebodyelse around here who's cool.

Pretty cool.
[chuckles]

A certain lady.

Who?

Me! I am cool.

And I think not going to prom
is a big mistake.

But... Hank told me that 80%
of suicides are prom-related.

Oh, no. I-I think it's...
much lower than that.

Are you telling me
that there is actually nobody

that you would want to ask?

Are you trying to get me
to say you again, or...?

[chuckling]: Oh, honey,
I was the prom queen.

Baby steps.

Well, I'd ask this girl Shauna,

but would a first-chair tuba
really go with me?

I mean, the world is her oyster.

Girl who plays the tuba
sounds like

a perfect last-minute
prom invite.

Are you sure?
I mean, my coolest move...

[robot voice]:
is my robot voice.

Yeah.

Ooh. Maybe, uh,
maybe go text her.

[door opens]

What are you doing here?

Ernie's asking a girl
to the prom.

The hell he is.

I'm trying to help this boy.
Look at this nerd.

He was born
stuffed in a locker. Ow!

He's sitting right there.

It's okay, ma'am.
I know what I am.

You know, back when I was very,very, very cool in high school,

I used to mess with nerds
like Ernie all the time.

At my prom, I pantsed a nerd
and I made him eat worms.

You brought worms to the prom?

No. I made another nerd
bring them to me.

That's how cool I was.

You see,

now I'm making up for all that.

I am using my present

to fix my past--
much like they did

in Back to the Future
and Back to the Future II,

and I assume
Back to the Future III,

but I didn't see that one.

ERNIE:
Shauna said yes.

I texted her, and she said yes.

Thanks to Miss Margaret. Oh.

Good for you.
I think what you really needed

was a good woman-tor.
[chuckles]

Isn't that what
you said earlier, Hank?

You say so much stupid crap,
it's hard to keep track.

[sighs]

[robot voice]:
This is awesome.

I'm going to boogie at prom.

They gonna kill this boy,
Margaret.

MARGARET:
Hey, Hank.

Ernie wanted to say goodbye

before he heads off
to the dance.

I got him this far,
but he wants you

to tie his bow tie for him.

Well, okay,

but only because
you got him looking

like he's about to fix
James Bond's laptop.

Now, if it was me,

I'd have put you
in a purple suit

with a couple two-finger rings.

So you want him
to look like a pimp?

Margaret, women like pimps.

That's how pimps become pimps.

Now, stop distracting me.

Hold up.

There you go.

All set.

Okay.

Well, we'll fix that
before you go.

Looks like a cat did it.

He's gonna kill at the dance,
by the way.

-Show him the new dance move
I taught you, Ern. -Okay.

One sweet move coming right up.

HANK:
Mm-hmm.

So, I guess Margaret's
pretty adamant

about you remaining
a virgin, huh?

Ernie, put
a little more hip into it.

Hips. Come on,
find that hip, sweetie.

-Come on.
-This? Right here?

-Come on, you got it.
-No, Ernie, Ernie.

-Ernie.
-Yeah?

If you gonna go, hang back.

Lean against the wall.

Nod your head to the music.

Occasionally,
you point to your friend.

Oh.

Okay, so this?

Yeah, that's it.

Okay. All right.

All right, you got it now.

-Hey, Mom.
-Wait, what?

Mom?

I said friend.

My mom is my best friend.

Oh, damn it.

Okay. We gonna have to pull
the plug on this one.

He's gonna embarrass himself.

Shauna is gonna laugh at you.

Laugh at me?
Is that really gonna happen?

No, she is not
gonna laugh at you.

You saved her from spending
prom night with her tuba.

-Oh, she's bringing her tuba.
-Oh, damn it.

You gonna have nerd blood
on your hands, Margaret.

Nerd blood!

♪

Look. Did you fall off
a stationary bike? Sure.

Is that virtually impossible
to do? Absolutely.

But you can't give up.
John's worth it.

But I'm scared.

I mean, cars whizzing around.

What about birds?

There are so many distractions.

And with my A.D.D...

Cookies.
We're having cookies tonight.

What kind of lunatic sends
a nerd to the prom?

I mean, she is sending the lambto the slaughter.

Oh, so you're just starting
your own conversation?

I think Shauna's setting him up.

This whole thing
may be one big prank.

Oh, Hank, why does your mind
go to these places?

Because high schoolers
are the spawn of Satan

and their actions are at
the direction of Beelzebub.

Sid, I think you could learn
from Ernie.

That dorky bastard
has a 90% chance

of being hung from a flagpole
by his underwear,

and he still went to prom.

Unless he rode a bike
to the prom,

I fail to see the connection.

[phone ringing]

You got the Hank.

Yeah, Ernie.

Oh, okay, w-well, calm down.

Speak slowly.

Damn it, please,
not that robot voice.

All right, sit tight.
I'm coming to you.

Ernie's too scared
to go into the dance,

so he's hiding out
in the bathroom.

I told you he wasn't ready
for no prom.

-See, this is all your fault.
-What, my fault?

If he's scared, it's 'cause
of all the stuff you said.

Your goodbye to him included
the phrase "nerd blood."

-Come on.
-Why can't John and I

just do normal boyfriend stuff
like have sex?

I'm good at that.
I've never once fallen off.

I'm gonna grab our boy, and we
gonna head on out of here.

Wow! Look at this place.
Like my old school.

The trophy cases.

The mascot on the floor.

Our team was the Gators.

We're boom, dynamite.

We're boom,
dynamite.

We're tick-tick-tick-tick-
tick-tick-tick-tick.

Boom, dynamite.

Snap. Crunch.

Go, Gators.

I didn't follow that at all.

So the gator ate the dynamite?

Well, let me guess.

-You were on the cheer squad.
-You're damn straight.

I used to haze
those freshmen cheerleaders.

They called me "The Enforcer."

I mean, nothing too crazy.
Just the usual.

Hit 'em with a sack of boots.

You hit people with boots?
That's horrible.

That kind of thing
can scar people for life.

Me? You were worse than me.
You fed a kid worms.

No, I didn't.

Y-yeah, I did, I mean.

Well, did you or didn't you?

Uh, I...

Can I see that cheer again?

Did you feed worms to a kid
or did you not?

Because this seems
like something

that you would remember.

Of course I remember.

'Cause I was fed those worms.

I was tortured every day
in high school.

Haven't you ever wondered
why I don't fish?

No.

I know exactly what Ernie
is going through.

So if you'll excuse me,
Your Highness, the prom queen,

I'm gonna grab our boy
and we going home.

Oh, Hank, I am really sorry
that happened to you,

and about you
not being able to fish.

But this isn't about you.
It's about Ernie.

It could go great, or it
could go really, really bad,

but you got to let Ernie
find that out for himself.

No, you wouldn't understand.

'Cause you were cool.

So, if you'll excuse me,
there is a teenage boy

that needs me in the bathroom.

♪

Okay, Sid.
I solved your outside problem.

No cars. No birds.

Just you, the bike
and the open hallway.

-I'm gonna do it.
-All right.

-On the count of three.
-Okay.

BOTH:
One... two...

-I can't do it.
-[sighs]

John needs to find
a new boyfriend.

I might as well just get out ofthis thing before he dumps me.

Plus, this helmet
is hurting my ears.

All right, you're right.

Yeah, he needs someone
less pathetic.

It is unnatural for humans
to be on two wheels.

-Four, I get.
-Mm-hmm.

-Three, I get.
-Mm-hmm.

One is weird but cute
when animals do it.

But two I do not get.

Well, you know who does get two?

John's next boyfriend...

Pierre.

He's a French expat
living in the Bahamas.

And you know what
the French love, don't you?

Turtlenecks.

Well, yes, but...

also bikes.

I can see it now,
riding off into the sunset,

John and Pierre,
in their matching turtlenecks.

Oh, hell no.
John is my boyfriend.

Screw you, Pierre.

John, here I come.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.
I'm riding a bike.

You tricked me, Charlie.
Thank you.

No, that's all you, Sid.

Now stop before you hit
that table.

Uh, I don't know how to stop.

Scared. Your boy's real scared.

[crashing]

Ouch. I should have left
that helmet on.

I see that now.

Does anybody work here?

Ernie, you in here?

-ERNIE: Yeah.
-Listen.

I got to tell you something

that's gonna rock you
to your core.

The coolest person you know...

...was a nerd.

ERNIE:
My mom?

[quietly]:
Do not hit the boy.

I'm wearing my fake butt
underwear, and still nothing.

If he doesn't ask me
to dance soon,

I'm just gonna ask him.

Hey, gals. I couldn't help
but overhearing.

Butt looks terrif', by the way.

I was my high school's
prom queen.

So...

So...?

So, if you need
any advice on anything,

you know, prom-related,

-Maggie Mag's here to help.
-[laughs]

Thanks.

But we don't need any advice
from some lame grandma.

Lame? I smoked pot.

And I had lots and lots of sex.

And back then, we didn't even
use any protection.

We just lit a cigarette
and said a prayer.

Smoking's gross.

And we practice abstinence.

Abstinence?

[scoffs] Good luck getting
that guy to dance with you.

So, after I washed the taste
of worms out of my mouth,

I went back on the dance floor,

and I saw the same dude

that fed me the worms
dancing with my date.

I spent the rest of the night
crying under the bleachers.

For the next two years, everytime I walked down the hallway,

all I heard was, "Crybaby ass!"

"You need a hankie, Hankie?"

"Hey, Hankie, Hankie,
with your crybaby ass."

Well, you get the point.
[clears throat]

[stall door opening]

I cry sometimes, too.

Whoa, whoa, hey,
whoa, whoa, Ernie.

Ernie, we in the bathroom.

Yeah. Let-let's get out of here.

Prom's not a place
for nerds like us.

Yeah, but you didn't let me
finish my story.

I told you what I did,

but I didn't tell you
what I should have done.

I should have gone back out
on that dance floor

and danced my butt off.

You can still do that.

You think so?

I know so.

Just 'cause bad stuff
happened to me

doesn't mean
it's gonna happen to you.

Go on out there and find Shauna.

Yeah, uh, okay.

How do I look?

Like a little pimp.

You feel good?

[robot voice]:
Affirmative, Mr. Hank.

[robot voice]:
Go out there and make some memories.

Whew.

It's Ernie's turn.

[gasps]
Oh, a kiss on the cheek.

That's like third base
for a nerd, but you know that.

I can't believe it,
but I did it.

I'm a pretty good mentor
after all, aren't I?

No, not really.

So, uh,
would you like to get a photo

with the prom queen?

I don't know,
she looks kind of mean.

I'm talking about me.

Hey, yo, toots,
can I borrow this for a sec?

♪

You know what, Hank?
I feel like I really know now

what it feels like to be a nerd.

When you were in the bathroom
with Ernie,

I ran into
these three mean girls,

and they called me "lame."

So I feel your pain.
[chuckles]

I ate worms, Margaret.

So, you gotten any update?

What happened with Ernie
and Shauna?

Ernie and Shauna had a great
time at the prom last night.

So great that tonight,
Ernie and Shauna

and Ernie's mom
are going out again.

Good news here--
I learned how to ride a bike.

I also learned that when
you crack your coccyx,

your three best friends
don't even send you flowers.

I'm serious, you can just
get 'em off the fireplace,

bring me something.

And I learned...

Hell, we don't all have
to learn something, do we?

[chuckles]
I'm frickin' 70.

That's pretty good.

Captioned by
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