All language subtitles for Schooled s01e09 Darth Mellor.eng

[STAR WARS MAIN THEMEPLAYS]

LAINEY: The '90s had a lot
of great movies,

but the biggest of them all
was part of a phenomenon that spanned decades...

Star Wars Episode I:
The Phantom Menace.

It was the first new
Star Wars movie in these kids' entire lives.

TheStar Wars club
was ready for it,

and it wasn't just
the students.

It's here.

After 16 agonizing years,
George Lucas will once again bestow his genius upon us!

God only knows the things
in store he has planned.

I heard Jackie Chan
is gonna play Boba Fett.

I heard Chewbacca
talks in English!

I heard the Ewoks grow
into the Wookiees.

Guys, I don't wanna
hang too much on a single motion picture,

but when this club goes
to opening night,

it will be the most
transformative experience of our collective lives.

Screw my bar mitzvah!
Tonight, I become a man!

Let's go, people!
To Jedi Academy!

[KIDS CHEER]

[AS OBI-WAN KENOBI]
"You can't win, Darth.

"If you strike me down,
I shall become more powerful

"than you can
possibly imagine."

[CHOKING]

COACH MELLOR:
Attention, non-athletes!

Time to take your glowing
wizard wands and scoot!

Okay, they're lightsabers,
and we signed out the gym for Star Wars Club.

And as fun as
make-em-up-pretend-time looks,

my actual athletes
need the space,

so I'm afraid you gotta
clear out.

Cut me some slack,
all right?

We're gearing up
for Star Wars. Star Wars?

Is that the one with the
pointy-eared know-it-all with the bowl cut?

No, that's Spock
in Star Trek.

This is Star Wars.
Is that the one where the little guy

pops out of
the big guy's chest?That's Alien.

Is it the one with E.T.?
No, that's E.T.!

It's in the title.
I like E.T.

He gets drunk
and puts on a wig.

Star Warsis about
a group of ragtag underdogs

that stand up
to the Empire,

and just like
those underdogs,

we will not be thrown...

Okay. Wow.

Your team's carrying out
my club like rag dolls.

COACH MELLOR:
Clear 'em out, boys!

♪ One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life
and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

LAINEY: It was March 20th,
1990-something,

and Principal Glascott
was teaching Driver's Ed,

the first class his niece,
Felicia, ever cared about because it meant freedom.

Okay, road warriors,
here's a toughie.

Which way do you turn your
wheels when parked uphill?

Away from the curb.
Right.

Exactly how far from
the curb should...

18 inches!
Yes. Thank you.

What speed...
25 in a school zone unless otherwise posted!

I gotta say, it's scary when
you really apply yourself.

Why would I apply myself in
those other dumb classes?

Who needs math, am I right?

Do not return that high-five.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

That's the bell!

Time for my
supervised road time with my instructor!

[LAUGHS]
Okay, pump your brakes, Thelma and Louise.

You'll get your time
behind the wheel.

Sorry, I'm just so excited.

And thanks for not
making this weird, you being my uncle and all.

Hey, in this class,
I am not your uncle. I'm your teacher.

And I promise
to treat you

in a fair
and reasonable manner.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Okay. Fail. You fail.

Get outta the car
because of your failure.

What? Why?
You didn't triple check your mirrors,

your hands were
at 10 and 3,

and you almost hit
a pedestrian!

Who? I barely moved.

Our school's esteemed
custodian!

[SHOUTING] I what now?

Nothing, Johnny Atkins!

I'm so far,
I can't hear you!

You want me to
come over there?

No! Nothing! You're fine!

He is lucky to be alive.

Sorry, but there is no way I'm
letting you pass this class.

Bye-bye now.

[KEYS JOSTLING]

You said you
were my teacher, not my uncle!

Yeah, well, I gave it
some thought,

and I decided to be both.

You are abusing your vast
Driver's Ed powers to hold me back!

Correct.
You don't trust me at all.

I'm glad we're in
agreement on this.

What have
I possibly done to deserve this?

Well, let's see, you lie,

you use salty language,
you miss curfew.

It's not right!

You know what's not right?

You always acting like
my dad when you're not!

Okay, that's enough,
young lady.

Mark my words,
I will find a way to drive,

and when I do,
I'll make a hundred times the bad decisions.

Yeah? Well, good luck getting
around on the city bus.

Gotta say, you really
are a great principal, but a lousy father figure.

Excuse me?
I was Felicia, okay?

I was raised by a neurotic,
overprotective dad,

which made me rebel hard.

Is this supposed
to be helping?

No, but I will help 'cause
watching you and Felicia fight

day in and day out
is very unpleasant.

Well, I appreciate the offer,
but I don't need any help. I can handle her.

Attention William Penn!

Did you know
our high school principal's middle name is Laverne?

Oh, no.
It's gender neutral!

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

I'm here when you need me...
Laverne.

CB, my man!
Need a quick favor!

No, I'm done helping you.

Wait, is this because
I took the gym away from your Star Battle boys?

Yes. And just so ya know,
everybody is on my side about that

because Star Warsis literally
the most popular thing out of anything ever.

With who?
Everybody!

Coop!
Huh?

You excited about the new
Star Warsmovie?

Oh, hells yeah!

I heard they're gonna make
Samuel L. Jackson a Jedi!

He gonna be like,
"These are not the [BLEEP] you are looking for!"

My point is made.
Everybody loves Star Wars.

See, we're not the problem.

It's you for being a complete
and utter cliche.

Hey, my entire career,
I have prided myself

on not being a typical
meathead gym teacher.

Seriously?
Yes!

I've always been open
to new and strange ideas

that upset
the delicate balance of a-an athlete's

rightful place at the top
of the social pyramid.

And you undid
all your hard work by ruining the one thing

that brought these kids
together.

Damn it, you're right.
Wait, what?

A man gets to be
wrong once in his life, and this here is it.

Obviously, I was wrong
about your Space Wars,

so it's time for you
to coach Coach.

Well, you could come to the
premiere with us, sit back,

and let The Phantom Menace
show you how awesome

Star Warscan be.
Uh-huh.

And what happens when
I'm not into it?

Look, I am so certain
that this movie will change your life

that if it
isn't transcendent on every level,

I will publicly announce that
Star Warsis just a film and not a way of life.

Wow, I was just hoping
you'd pay me back for my ticket,

but let's roll.
Yeah!

LAINEY: As Coach
was gearing up to see the newStar Wars,

Glascott was still trying
to put the brakes

on his clever and
rebellious niece.

Felicia, we need
to have a conversation right now, missy.

Whatever seems to be the
problem, Principal Glascott?

It's come to my attention
that you joined the Alcohol Task Force.

Well, you say you want
me to be more involved in school, right?

Oh, so you joining has nothing
to do with the fact

that they have designated
drivers at all times,

offering free rides
on the weekends?

Do they? Huh.

Seems like someone
could use that

as their own personal
taxi service.

I think she's saying
it that way

'cause that's what
she did all weekend.

Whose side
are you on, Gabe?Enough.

You can't take advantage
of well-intentioned goobs like Gabe!

Nothing personal.
Oh, it's fine.

I just like spending time
with your niece, sir.

Hey, I told ya I'd figure out
a way to get around without a license.

I'll see you Friday through
Saturday, pal.

This time, can I at least come
into the parties with you?

Sorry, they're
a little exclusive.

[LOCKER SHUTS]

Okay, you were right.

Everything that I do with
Felicia goes horribly wrong. What do I do?

Listen, I can help you,
but I don't think you have what it takes to stomach it.

I can take it. Hit me.

You're no longer
living in the world of the rational-thinking adult.

You're now living in
the upside-down,

crazy brain
of the teenage girl.

If there's one thing I know,
it's this, 'cause I lived it.

All right, then.
Teach me your horrible ways.

First, you need to let me help
Felicia get her license.

God, no!
Oh, God, no.

Why, God?

You seem to not be ready.

No, I'm ready for it.
Lay it on me.

Back in the day, all I wanted
was for my dad to trust me.

If he'd had a little
faith in me to make my own mistakes,

I wouldn't have fought
so hard against him.

Who knows,
we could've even been pals.

That's what I want!

Okay, what happens after
she gets her license?

You give her that trust
she so desperately needs,

and let her borrow your car
when she asks you.

God, no!
Never! Ever!

Oh, my God! And ooh, why?

Okay. Let's do it.

LAINEY: As I was ready to take the wheel with Felicia,

Coach was about to
get a crash-course in the ways of the Force.

Well, I gotta admit,
pretty electric in here.

Feels like Game 7
of the World Series.

But imagine waiting 16 years
between games.

And now, the wait is over.

[STAR WARS MAIN THEMEPLAYS]
[CHEERING]

Hang on, Rick Mellor.

Your life as you know it
is about to change.

TOGETHER:
"Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.

"The taxation of trade routes
to outlying systems..."

Whoa!

Ooh!
[PODRACERS WHIZZING]

[LIGHTSABERS CLASHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[WHISPERING]
This is the best thing ever.

That was the best thing ever!

Yes!
I know!

So cool!

It was fine.
Podracing...

That was the best scene
in any Star Warsmovie.

For sure!
Epic.

Podracing!
Felt a little long.

Darth Maul
with his devil face

and the double-sided
lightsaber?

So dope.
Bad ass.

Better than Vader!

[MUTTERING]
He had like one line.

I'm sorry, you're mumbling
a bunch of stuff.

Do you have some kind
of a problem?I mean...

Did you not love the movie?

I don't know,
the whole thing was about

a trade blockade
and Senate votes.

Oh.
Kinda true.

I was confused.

But still!
This is Star Wars!

With Yoda and lightsabers
and the Force!

Genius!
So awesome.

So cool!
Yeah, about that.

You said the Force was some
unexplainable, mystical power,

but, you know, the movie said
you can take a blood test to see if you got it.

He's right.
Not great.

I was confused!

Forget about the upsetting
midi-chlorians, all right.

This movie had everything.

I mean,
even Anakin Skywalker.

The kid saved the day!
COACH MELLOR: Did he?

Because if you think about it,
he accidentally fell into a spaceship,

then accidentally
flew it into the bad guy's headquarters

and then accidentally
blew 'em all up.

He's right.
Oh, man...

I feel sad.

You just don't
get the movie

'cause you haven't seen
any of the other ones.

But I thought you said
this one happens before the other ones.

This is Star Wars,bro!

This is not
about one movie.

This is about the fandom
and the family and the Force.

You mean the midi-chlorians?

Midi-what?

Nothing.
Just go watch the movie. You're gonna love it.

Hang on to your receipt,
puppet man.

No need.
In fact, we bought tickets to go see it again, so...

You can give my ticket
to one of these guys in a bathrobe.

And when you're ready to admit
the truth, I will be waiting.

Well, you're gonna be
waiting for a long time

because these movies
are perfect,

and nobody can ever
take that away.

So, let's go, kids! Whoo!

Damn it.
Mellor just ruined Star Wars.

LAINEY: Glascott hoped
to form a relationship of trust with his niece,

so he turned to me
to teach Felicia to drive.

I don't know how you convinced
my uncle to let me drive,

but as far
as I'm concerned, you're a hero.

All I did was show him
you're worthy of his trust.Totally.

I mean, I would've
killed to have my father

trust me like this
when I was your age.You're right.

I mean, I love the guy more
than ever, and you did that.

Well, I don't want
to take full credit, but yeah, I'm the best.

Oh, there's a spot.
Do a three-point turn,

and let's try
some parallel parking.I got this.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

What the hell was that?

Uh... Nothing?
You know how to drive already?

Only for three years.

What?
It's not my fault.

Salt-N-Pepa played
the Spectrum when I was in eighth grade,

and I had to figure out
somehow to get there behind my mom's back.

That story is completely
your fault!

Dude, don't make me
regret getting your uncle to trust you!

Look, I give you my word
I won't turn his trust

into a massive amount
of misbehavior.

You said that in a way
that sounds like

that's exactly what
you're gonna do.

No, nuh-uh, not me.

Also, how long does it take
to drive to Florida?

I've made
a terrible mistake.

[WHISTLING]

Hey... There he is.

Hey, there she is.

The lady that made me
the best uncle in the world.

Yeah, I heard you guys
are like besties now.

Best besties.
We celebrated her new license

by making drop cookies
and talking about boys.

We agree...
Many of them are so immature.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Honestly, thank you
for everything.

No! No need to thank me.

Come on, we both know
this is all your doing.

Look at that strange smile.

So happy and kinda queasy.

What's going on
with your face?

She's lying to you!
Your niece is a typical, horrible teenage monster!

You cannot let her drive!

What?
I was wrong about the trust.

But what about
the drop cookies?

The drop cookies
were a trap!

But I gave the girl
my car.

Are you nuts?
Why would you do that?

Because you told me to!

Let me guess, she's going
to the public library to study, right?

How did you know that?

'Cause she's
lying to you, John!

She's been driving
for three years, and she's good.

I mean, she's like Tom Cruise
in Days of Thundergood.

Cole Trickle? Oh, no.
He was reckless on and off the track!

We gotta go find her
and stop her from doing

whatever terrible
and dangerous thing I used to do.

Right. To the weird
Driver's Ed mobile!

[GROANS]
Move! Move!

Bam!

Proof that
Phantom Menaceis great.What's all this?

The first reviews
came in this morning, and they're all raves.

We've got New York Times, Chicago Tribune, The Post...

Even Roger Ebert
gave it two huge thumbs up.

Eh, just like you,
they're all in the glow.

Glow? What glow?

The glow of something
they remember being awesome,

which clearly doesn't
apply to this movie.

It's sad, really.

Okay, maybe there's
a few tiny,

little problems
with the movie, but who cares.

Star Warsis about
the community,

the... The shared passion,
the entire universe that fills our lives with wonder!

See, now you're
just melting down

because your precious
space movie isn't perfect.

Doesn't have to be.
Nothing in this world is 100% perfect.

All my favorite things are.

Sporty Spice, perfect.

Grape nuts, perfect.

Baseball. Perfect.

So, let me put it in terms
that you can understand.

How would you like it if
I went to your locker room

before a championship game and
ruined baseball for your team?

I would say that unlike
your silly sci-fi nonsense,

baseball is invulnerable
to critique.

Oh, come on.
It's 5% actual game play,

and the rest of the time,
it's just a bunch of dudes

standing there,
adjusting their jocks.

For your information, those
uniforms are extremely tight,

which makes rearranging
your goodie bag a necessity

to maintain comfort
and ensure exciting gameplay!

Oh, please!
Baseball's so boring

that they have a mandated
7th inning group stretch

so that the fans don't
get a blood clot!

That stretch promotes
team unity and boosts Cracker Jack sales!

Face it, baseball
is just one mind-numbing,

tobacco-spitting,
unending borefest

that no child has ever
stayed awake through.

The TV cameras cut to
those sleeping children

because they're adorable,
not because it sucks!

Getting very defensive
there, Coach.

Hope I'm not ruining
America's pastime for you.

Impossible!

Baseball is an elegant,
nuanced art form,

and no one can ever
stop me from loving it!

I'll leave you
to clean your whistles.

LAINEY: Despite pushing back, at the next game,

Coach couldn't get
CB's words out of his head.

Aw, come on
with the adjustment!

What are you
wasting time for?

Step in the box and swing!

Stop shaking off
every pitch!

Why are you checking
the runner at first?

He's not going anywhere!

Come on! It's been two hours!

It's still zero-zero.

Just swing at everything!

Great!
A toddler's asleep!

Do something!
Anything!

Damn it.

CB ruined baseball.

LAINEY: While CB
had opened Coach's eyes about baseball,

Glascott and I were on
the lookout for Felicia.

Why are you taking
Old York Road?

I just wanna go
by the library

just in case we were
wrong about her.

We're not wrong, John.

That girl is either
at the kegger at Roxborough Ronnie's

or the kegger at Kappa Tau.

No, I need to know
if she made the right choice and went to the library.

Of course she didn't
make the right choice!

She's a teenager
and she's kegging it up at the kegger!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Look, Felicia will
never forgive me

if I go show up at some party
that she's not even at.

But she is there!

How do you know?

Because I was terrible
just like her!

Ohh!
No!

The Driver's Ed car.

We both have brakes,
and neither of us used them.

Let's remember for insurance
purposes I was the passenger.

Okay, let's not argue about
how this is your fault.

How do we find Felicia?

Our student designated
driving program

isn't supposed to be
for, ya know, a-adults.

We're very drunk. Just drive.
To the kegger, Gabe.

Yeah, I was actually
supposed to pick up some kids there anyway.

♪♪

Teachers. Run!

We'll get you
for this, Gabe!

What? No!
No, I'm just trying to help people here!

Felicia!
Hey. [CHUCKLES]

I was just on my way
to the library.

Oh, thank God.
No, wait!

CB!
Well? Huh? Come on!

Star Wars!Let's hear it!R-Right? Am I right?

Sweet God.

You haven't discussed
this movie with anyone yet, have you?

No, I've been waiting all
weekend to talk to you.You listen to me.

Right now,
you're living in the glow,

and I never want that
to end for you.

What was wrong
with the movie? It was great.

R2-D2,
the double lightsaber!

You know, now that
I think about it, though,

I really didn't love
the Trade Federation stuff.

Don't think!
Just live in the glow

where Star Wars
is everything.

CB, we need to talk.

Mellor's here. Run.

Run, Coop,
and never look back.Oh...

Run!
Hope you're happy.

Thanks to you, baseball
has lost all its magic.

Just doing what
you did to me. How's it feel?

Horrible! You know
that the greatest hitter that ever lived

only hit the ball
four outta ten times?

I don't teach math,
but that doesn't seem impressive.

And why sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game?

We're already there!
Stop selling the sport to us!

Look, I'm sorry I ruined
baseball for you,

but you ruined Star Wars
for those kids.

It's the one thing
at this school they had

that made them feel
a part of something,

and I don't know why
you can't get that.

I get it.

When I was a boy,
I moved around a lot,

and I learned that the easiest
way to make friends was by joining a team.

Without baseball,
I would've been lost.

The point is, I feel bad!

Come on, lemme make it right.

You can't.
It's too late.

♪♪

LAINEY: Mellor may have
ruinedStar Wars for CB and the kids,

but he had one more Jedi
mind trick up his sleeve.

Kids, I am so psyched that
you called this meeting of the Star WarsClub.

We didn't call
this meeting.

Then who called the meeting?

[LIGHT SWITCHES CLICK]
[STAR WARS MAIN THEMEPLAYS]

[LIGHTSABER HUMS]

It was I who
summoned you here.

Is that Coach Mellor?

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
[MUSIC SLOWS]

Uh, Coach?
We got practice.

Also, why are you dressed
like a Sith Lord?

Wait, you guys know
that stuff?

Yeah, it's Star Wars,
lady bro. Who doesn't love Star Wars?

Sounds like a challenge,
Ronnie from Roxborough!

The first Jedi
that can knock me down

doesn't have to do frog squats
for the rest of the year.

Oh, it's on, Darth Mellor!

I got your back, little bro.

[STAR WARS MAIN THEMEPLAYS]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[GRUNTING]

♪♪

Aah!

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

Phantom Menacerules!

I can't hear you!

ALL: Phantom Menacerules!

[CHEERING]

Hey...

I made a new batch
of drop cookies.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood
for your betrayal cookies.

They taste like lies.

[HUFFS] Okay,
I get you're mad.

You finally trusted me,
and I took advantage.

I'm sorry.
Don't be.

Look, you don't
want me to be your dad,

and after this whole mess,
I'm not sure that I wanna be.

What are you saying?
Look at you. You're driving now.

You're all grown up
and ready to go out there and live your own life.

And frankly, trying to
stop you is exhausting.

So go.

I just hope you're
gonna be okay.

That's it?
You're just giving up on me?

But that's what you want.

For me to not be your dad.

Of course I don't want
you to be my dad!

My dad always let me down.

[DURAN DURAN'S
ORDINARY WORLDPLAYS]

Look, I know this is a crazy
time in your life,

but all I can tell you
is I will be whoever you need me to be.

Thanks.

♪♪

We did it, guys.

Hey, man.
Hey.

I just wanted to tell you
that I thought what you did

the other day
for those kids was amazing.

Look, Star Wars
is your baseball,

and it wasn't my place
to take away something

that makes so many
people happy,

especially from those kids.

Well, baseball makes
a lot of people happy, too,

so as a thank you,
I got you this.

I remember how
over-the-moon you were

when the Phillies
won the pennant.

Ah. [SNIFFS]

Had awful seats
and it didn't even matter.

It was the best game
I ever saw.Right.

Well, that's an autographed
Lenny Dykstra ball from that game.

No.

Seriously?
Mmm-hmm.

Why would you do this?

Because I love Star Wars,

and you love baseball,
and none of it's perfect,

but sometimes when
you sit down to watch a Star Warsmovie

or a Phillies' game,
it changes your life forever.

And in that way,
we're exactly the same.

And like you said,
every fan deserves that joy.

You're an honorable Jedi,
Rick Mellor.

May the Force be with you,
CB-Wan.

♪ Somehow I have to find ♪

LAINEY: Teachers help us
discover our passions

in sports, in music,
in movies.

And as we grow up and face
a sometimes critical world,

it's important to remember
that even with their flaws,

the joy these things
bring to our lives will always be perfect.

Hello, everybody, I'm sitting
here with the real CB,

who I'm portraying.

Wait, should I,
like, fold my hands

if you fold your hands?
Yes.

♪♪

Ah.

What's the one thing
that you wish

could be taught
in school?

Life skills...
Change a tire.

Have you ever had a tough time
connecting to a student?

My dream is that I find
something.Yeah.

When some kid
comes in loving baseball,

well,
I love baseball.

I also ran a Magic:
The Gatheringclub

at school, so I had...
Wow, that's so sick.

Yeah, and we'd play on
Fridays, maybe have pizza.Wow.

That's cool.

Were you a nerd
in high school?

I was a nerd
in high school.

I loved math.
Nine times nine, quick.

81. That's my favorite one.
Okay. That was good.

That was really good.
Do you know how to do

the nine tables
with your hand?Sure.

That's a saver
for some kids.I always do this.

Dude, you have fingers,
use them.That's awesome.

Yeah, I'm a geek.
Me, too.

Fellow geeks. Here we are.
[LAUGHS]

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