All language subtitles for Schitts Creek s05e11 Meet the Parents.eng

[Bird caws, dog barks]

- Okay so, as we all know,

I think surprise parties
are tacky,

and far too often organized
by well-intentioned people

with very bad taste.

But Patrick has always
wanted one,

poor thing.

So I am throwing him
a surprise party tonight.

Johnny: Well David, these
kinds of parties take time,

and... planning.

Now, when I planned that
Casablanca-themed party

for your mother's 40th,

I had to quarantine
the camels for a month.

- Mhmm.
- Yeah David,

this is all feeling very
sketchy and last minute-y.

- I've actually been organizing
this for quite some time,

I'm just telling you right now

because I know that none
of you can keep a secret.

- Oh! At 9 a.m.
it's a little early

for character assassination.

Not one of you knows how
the "Crows" movie ends.

- You told me the day
you got home.

- You gave me the script.

- And you were both sworn
to secrecy,

so David is right
not to trust you.

- Yeah, this is why
I'm reluctant to tell you

that there is an extra
surprise tonight.

I invited Patrick's parents.

- Oh my God, David!

- Oh, that is very
exciting news, son!

Meeting the parents!

That's a big step.

- Yes, things are certainly
racing along

at a dangerously rapid velocity.

- Thank you so much,
we're doing great.

Now, I will only be throwing
one surprise party,

and one surprise party only.

So tonight there will be
a surprise.

And there will be tears.

Even if they're just my own.
Okay?

- How did it end again?
Like, a crowmageddon?

- Crowpocalypse.

But you didn't hear it from me.
- [Snickers]

- So...
- Wow.

♪♪♪

- This is a really big deal,
Johnny.

I mean, meeting my best
friend's son's

boyfriend's parents
for the very first time,

I am very touched that
you wanted me

to share this moment with you.

- I asked you to mow the lawn
three times, Roland,

So you being here is more
your decision than mine.

[Door latch clicks]

- Oh!
Clint: Hello.

- Oh, hi!

- Hi.
- You must be the Brewers.

- I'm Clint.
This is my wife, Marci.

- What a special moment
this is for all of us, huh?

- [Chuckles]
- You must be David's Dad.

- Oh, no, no! I do get that
all the time, though.

It's uh, you know, you've got
David's handsome looks there,

and then my face.

- Yeah, I'm David's father,
Johnny Rose.

- Johnny, it's a pleasure
to meet you.

- Yes, hi.
- Hi.

- Now, Patrick tells me
you run the motel.

- More like,
runs it into the ground.

[Laughs uproariously]

Oh, we do have a lot of fun
around here, don't we?

- We do, sometimes.

Roland, do you want to get
the room key for them?

- Sure.

- So this is all very exciting.

I assume we'll see you tonight?

- Oh you definitely will.

- So Patrick has been keeping
us up to date

about everything he and David
have been doing,

and I think it's amazing
how far they've come.

- Yes, yes, yes it is.

But uh, I'll have to admit,

I've been somewhat of a
skeptic about those two.

- This one isn't as progressive
as the rest of us.

It's a generational thing
with him.

- I was talking about
the store, Roland.

You know, mixing a business
relationship

and a romantic relationship,
well, that's...

it can get kinda tricky
sometimes.

- I-I-I missed the last part

of what you just said.
The uh...

- Oh, well, you were aware
they were in business

together as well, right?

- We knew that part, yes.

- Really? Because it kind of
seems like the two of you

just found out some really
shocking information.

- Did I speak out of turn?

- I-I think we'll just go
to the room,

and get ready for the big
surprise tonight.

- Oh, sure.

[Door latch clicks]

[Door slams]

- Huh. Correct me
if I'm wrong here, Johnny.

But it kinda seems like
they didn't know

their son is in a relationship
with David.

- [Gasps] You're looking
especially fresh

and photogenic today, Mother.

- Why thank you, Alexis.

Perhaps it's my excellent news.

I found a very promising
revenue stream

to help finance the little
deficit we've accrued

on "Cabaret".
- What might that be?

- Well, according to the radio,

there's a darling little
medical clinic in Elm Grove.

Where if any one of us,
say, you, or your father,

participates in a few
nugatory tests,

we could be bringing in
over $200 a week!

- [Gasps]

Or, you could make
$2,000 in one afternoon.

- Ugh, which test is this?

- I'm talking about the
soap opera fan convention

that's happening today.

I looked at your calendar,

so I know that you have
the day off.

- Working from home.

- I already purchased a booth.
Your name is on the website,

and I just printed out
all of these headshots

for you to sign.

Obviously I will be taking
commission.

- Alexis, there's a good reason

I've avoided these
conventions in the past.

Showing up, taking
your picture with a...

motley crew of pale,
dewy-faced salamander people.

I haven't hit rock bottom
quite yet.

It's a matter of self-worth.

- You did a commercial
for adult diapers!

- In Japan!

In full-face Kabuki makeup!

- Okay. As your acting
publicist,

I'm putting my foot down.

We're doing this.
You need the money,

and this is how
you're gonna get it.

- Look at you.

- Hmm!
- Very well.

But there will be a safe word
in case the gaggle

of asymmetrical faces
gets to be too much.

- Deal. I'll start the car.

[Car rumbles]

- Okay, so I told Patrick
that there's a salmonella

outbreak at the cafe,

so he will not be coming here
until I tell him to tonight.

- Oh. Is it possible
you could maybe...

choose a lie that doesn't
make the cafe

look like it's in violation
of health codes?

- I think it's a pretty
good one.

- [Panting] David!

You said you were only gonna
be half an hour.

[Panting]

- Did you run here, Mr. Rose?

- No! Just a pleasant walk.

- Okay, I'm on a site survey
for the party.

Why, what's going on?

- Well, I-I just checked in
"you know who's" parents.

- What? They're not
supposed to be here

for another 11 minutes!

- Well, nothing to worry about.

Um, random question for you.

They're aware that you
and Patrick are uh...

romantically involved, right?

- Of course they are.
Why wouldn't they be?

- Well, they're definitely aware

that you're business partners,

it's just that uh,
if I recall,

at one point Patrick was engaged

ahem... to a woman, so...

- Okay, what did you say
to them?

- Nothing, nothing!

It's more how they reacted
when I brought up

the fact that you two were...

romantically in business
with each other.

- Ew!

- Yeah, they-they looked
a little... shaken.

- Shaken?
- Well, upset.

- Upset?!
- David, they know, right?

- Of course they know!

I wouldn't have asked them
to come here if I didn't think

they knew we were
in a relationship!

They call the store
all the time!

I mean, what do they think,

I'm just his business partner?!

- Possibly.
- I mean, yeah.

- Oh my God! Okay!

Everybody calm down!
Nobody say a word to anybody!

- Well, that sounds reasonable.
- What did I just say?!

[Car door slams, horn honks]

- A few things to expect.

Now, the fans will either
want a signed picture,

a picture and a handshake,

or a picture either of you,
or with you.

- Well, that's reasonable.

- Now, if they ask for
pictures of your feet--

- Hailey, you have been
more than helpful.

If I might have a moment
alone with my daughter?

- Slash publicist, thank you.

- Alexis dear, now is bad
a time as any to tell you.

There is a dark side
to Mummy's industry,

and I've tried to protect you
from it your whole life.

- You took me to the Playboy
Mansion when I was seven.

- And you had a wonderful time
in the children's grotto.

But, this!

Alexis, you shouldn't have
to see this.

Thespians selling their
autographs for money

in cheerless convention centres.

- Mhmm.
- Oh God, no!

We have to get out of here,
Alexis!

- What's going on?
- That's Gloria Gregson.

- Who's Gloria Gregson?

- Who's Gloria Gregson?!

She only played Grace
on "Touched With Grace"

for 37 years.

The woman has 17 Emmys
for playing a hot-headed

nurse who healed people
with her sexual touch.

I can't have her see me
in a place like this!

Come on!
- Moira?

- Mmm!

- No, no, it is...

the Gloria Gregson?

- Oh, darling!

Well, look at you,
you look gorgeous!

I'm so glad you're here,
darling.

I'm usually the only marquee
name at these things.

- I'm shocked by my presence
as well.

- And I am Alexis Rose,
Moira's publicist and daughter.

- Oh! Daughter?
More like sister.

- [Laughs]
- Ew.

[Insects buzz]

[Key rattles in lock]

- Happy Birthday!

- Thank you.

- Flowers are for you;
the pizza's my lunch.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Mm! So, how's the store?

- Thriving. But more
importantly, how are you?

You gotten some calls from
some family or friends?

- Yeah, I talked to my parents
a little while ago.

They're on like,
a weekend getaway,

so they couldn't chat long,
but...

- Did you tell them
about dinner?

- Uh, they were actually just
pulling up to their hotel

so they had to jump off but...

- Oh. Um, speaking
of your parents,

I've been piecing together
that I don't think

I ever spoken to them
outside of work.

Is that weird?

- Okay. I'm sure you-
I'm sure you have.

- Yeah...

- Like, they know about me,
right?

- Of course they know
about you, what do you mean?

What are you-why?

- Like they know about "us",
right?

- Um...

Okay listen, David.

I've have been wanting
to tell them about us.

I really have, I just was
waiting to do it in person,

and then I didn't go home
for the holidays,

and then I was feeling
so comfortable with you,

and your family.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I-I don't know why
I assumed, um...

So all this time, your parents
thought they were just...

talking to your...
your business partner?

Okay.

- David, I know my parents
are good people,

I just... [Emotional exhale]

Hmm...

I can't shake this,
this fear that...

there is a small chance that
this could change everything.

That they might see me
differently,

or treat me differently.

- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

- But I'm gonna deal with this

as soon as I see them next,
okay?

- Okay, what you're dealing
with is very personal.

And something you should
only do on your terms.

Okay?

That's why I brought
this couple home one day

in college, and just told
my parents to deal with it.

- [Laughs]

- I'm a take-charge guy, David.

I like to take charge of things
in my life, you know that.

- Yep, mhmm.

- You're upset.
I would be, too.

- Yeah. Uh, it's not about that.

Ahem... heh.

You're gonna laugh yourself

right out of the closet
on this one.

You know how you've always
wanted a surprise party?

- David, I don't think this
is how surprise parties work.

- Yeah, I know, it's just...

part of that surprise
was inviting...

your parents here.

- What?

- Yeah. I realize that
was a big mistake.

I-I should've talked to you.

I could be just your
business partner tonight.

If that will help.
- No, David.

I, I can't have you do that.

I owe it to us to tell them.

I want them to know.

[Laughs] Yeah, maybe
this whole thing

is a blessing in disguise, huh?

It's at the cafe?
- Yeah.

The salmonella was a decoy.

- Ooh...

[Preparatory exhale]

[Knocks]

- Hi, Mrs. Brewer,
Mr. Brewer.

I'm... I'm David Rose.

- Oh, David, come in.

- Oh, thank you.

Um...

I uh,

I brought you some
things from the store

as a welcome present.
We ran out of the body milk,

so I threw in some extra
lip balms.

- Thank you, David.

- I just wanted to come here
and apologize

for a very unfortunate
miscommunication.

- So you're not in a
relationship with our son?

- Oh, no. I very much am.
- Oh.

- Um, I was talking more
about how you found out.

- Was it something we did,
David?

- I'm sorry?
- Honey, stop!

- No, I wanna ask.

Do you think if we'd done
things differently,

that Patrick would still be--
- I understand that this news

can come as a shock
to some people.

But he is still
the same person,

and it's his birthday, and he--

- David, we're not upset
about Patrick being gay.

- No.

- Oh my God, okay!

For a minute I thought this
was gonna get very dark.

Ahem!

- The thought that Patrick
was feeling like he couldn't

come and talk to us about this.

- Is it because we were
so close with Rachel?

[Quiet knock]

- Hi.
- David.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Clint, Marci.

I see you've met my son.

How are you, David?
Happy, I hope.

Uh, 'cause at the end
of the day,

that-that's all that matters,
isn't it?

- Dad, it's fine.

They, they are fine
with Patrick being gay.

- Oh. Oh, good.

Good, then no one really
has to feel bad

about how this information
came out, then, huh?

- So what do we do now?

Not go to the party?

I don't want to make him
uncomfortable.

- No, no, no, we are all
going to the party.

Patrick is planning on
telling you tonight.

So I think the best birthday
gift we could give him

at this point is to just...

keep him in the closet
until then.

I know that came out wrong,

but we all understand what
I'm saying, right?

- Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Whew!

[Birds chirp]

- As actresses we have to do
whatever it takes to survive.

Which is why I'm on
the convention circuit.

I do dozens a year.

- I still can't quite
believe that.

- Well, can you believe
that because of them,

I have a vineyard
in the south of France?

You may have tried my wine,

"Touched With Grapes."

- Oh my God, that's your wine?
- Yes.

We used to use that for sangria,

because it was like,
so cheap, and...

so good.

- So the fiscal sweetener
negates any discomfiture

one might feel exploiting
their extremities

for a $20 bill?

- $20?! I charge $50.

And just in case,
I wear open-toed sandals.

Darling, I used to spend
my entire time

chasing after parts,

worrying about what people
thought of me.

It was exhausting!
But no more.

These conventions
are a godsend.

There is a freedom
in letting go, Moira.

[Convention goers chatter]

- Okay Alexis, let's do this
before I change my mind.

- Are you sure?
- Mhmm.

- I don't want you to feel
like I'm pressuring you

into anything.
- Oh, I'm sure.

- As Gregson said, to milk
this for all it's worth.

So let's get it going.

I have some fans to meet!

[Crowd cheers]

- Okay, here's how
it's gonna go down.

It's 30 seconds each,
tickets in hand,

or it's back of the line,
and no,

she will not be clarifying any
"Sunrise Bay" plot points.

- Ahem! Feet!
- Oh yes.

And if we're talking feet,
it's $75 for one,

$150 for the pair.

[Crowd chatters]

[Crickets chirp]

- He's coming, he's coming!

- Okay, he's coming,
he's coming.

So are we on lights?

Also, we're going
with "Surprise."

"Happy Birthday" was too wordy,

and we couldn't nail it
at rehearsal.

- Okay.
- Okay! Okay, great.

[Bell on door rings]

[Patrick sighs]
All: Surprise!

- Oh my gosh!

David, I thought we were just
having a casual dinner.

- Mhmm.

Johnny: Happy Birthday, Patrick!

- What is happening? I thought
you guys were out of town!

- Well, we are.
[Both laugh]

- We're just so happy
to be included.

- You've got a really wonderful
friend here, Patrick.

- Yep, I'm just glad you could
make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer.

Um...

well, I should leave you all
to catch up,

and spend some quality time
with your son.

But might I recommend
the crab cakes?

I over-ordered, and they cost
a small fortune.

- Hey, could I just have
two seconds with him?

- Sure.

- What if they don't react
the way I think they will?

- Then I will be here.

And we'll get through it
together.

- Okay...

I love you.
- I love you.

- [Inhales deeply]

Well, I am suitably surprised.

Thank you guys for coming.

Clint: Well, we wouldn't
miss it.

- We just love you so much.

- I love you guys, too.

But um...
Both: [Eagerly] Yes?

- Well, there's something
that uh...

that I've been meaning
to tell you.

- You can tell us anything!
- Honey, let's just...

let him talk.

- Uh, yeah.

So I guess this doesn't really
come naturally.

Um... David--

- He seems like a really great
partner, honey.

- Marci.
- In business.

- Yeah, he is.

He's also a great partner
outside of business.

We're together.

David is my boyfriend.

And I've never been happier
in my life.

And so I just, I hope you guys
can accept that.

- Ohh! You are the only
thing in the world

that matters to us.

And if David makes you happy,
then that's all we care about.

- [Emotionally] Dad?

- I like him.

I like him a lot.
[Laughs]

- Me too.

- I don't understand
his clothes, but...

[All laugh]

- Ah, you will in time.

[Relieved] Oh man,

I didn't know how I was gonna
tell you guys.

- Well, we're just glad
you finally did.

Happy birthday, my sweet boy.

- Thank you.

♪♪♪

♪ I never understood before

- So I know that you're annoyed
that the surprise got blown,

but this party might go down

as one of the happiest nights
of my life.

- Well, I guess that makes up
for the fact

that no one ate the crab cakes.

- Well...

so how long have they known?

- I'm sorry?
- My parents.

How long have they known?
About us?

- Um, I don't know, I don't
know what you're talking about.

- David, I know my parents.

They're not good actors.

They knew about us, right?

- Okay, my Dad
might've told them,

but he, he thought they knew.

- And the gift basket
that you gave them

that I'm hoping you paid for,

that had nothing to do with you

trying to smooth things
over with them?

- It was just a very messy day,

And I was, I was trying to
detangle things, and...

and just make everything okay.
- Yeah.

Well, you made everything okay.

Twyla: Not to step
on the moment,

but uh, I do have
to lock up in five.

- Oh.
- Right.

♪ What a feeling in my soul

♪ Love burns brighter
than sunshine ♪

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