All language subtitles for Pure.UK.S01E05.HDTV.x264-KETTLE.en

You can't see it yet but
this is my excited face.

I'm doing little jumps.

You know someone is special
if you do little jumps

when you see them.

I missed you.

I go to Boots at lunch
and sniff your perfume.

I'm on your Instagram,
like, all the time.

I fucked your dad to feel closer to you.

And you ruined it.

I love her so much it
makes me doubt my sexuality

but then everything does.

It's not her, it's me.

So when I said I missed you I meant
like how I would miss my period

if it's a few days late.

Like, slight concern but
not enough to buy a test.

Are you going to talk to me, then?

Sorry, my mouth keeps
getting full of whisky.

Mate...

You called me in a total fucking tizz

and all I hear from you since then

is a couple of texts
and a Kristen Wiig GIF.

It's not enough to sustain a friendship.

Sorry.

It's been mental.

What you did was mental, Marnie.

You just fucking left me. I
was really worried about you.

I went on the Mind
website and everything.

I know. I'm sorry.

You don't need to worry about me.

I'm speaking to someone
now and it helps.

I feel a lot less anxious.

OK, well, all I'm saying is if
this needs to be an intervention

instead of a city
break then that's fine.

It is a city break.

Except all you'll see is this, a
pub and the inside of Shereen's flat

because I've only got
£87 until I get a job.

Wait, do you need money?

I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.

He says it's because of gender pay
gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.

As in mine.

- Are you listening to me?
- Fuck off, I don't fancy her.

- Oi.
- Ow.

What are you thinking?

You can't hang up on me now
because I'm right here in your face.

I should be able
to tell her anything.

I showed my first
pubic hair to this woman.

I was thinking about your vagina.

Because that's what's in your thigh gap.

Afternoon. Here he is.

Back in the driver's seat.

How is she handling?

Yes, she's very smooth.

Well, shan't distract you.

Thank you.

What time do you call this?

Um...

Did you get my e-mail?

I red flagged it. What,
as in, to human resources?

As in I haven't read it,
sorry, was it important?

Yeah, in the context of this.

This was going to be about that,
so it's good background to have.

- I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry.
- Sorry, um...

I just wanted to say
that I don't want things

to be difficult working here.

It's not great if you're
finding things difficult

on your first day back.

No, I mean between us.

Because of the cab thing. Yeah, so...

I just don't want you to
think that I was rejecting

you because I wasn't.

I mean, technically I was
because I didn't and we didn't

but that's not because I didn't want to.

Physically you are thumbs
up but you're my boss

and I'm massively punching.

It's like a monkey pulling a swan.

I'm the monkey, you're the swan.

But like a black swan 'cos
that's more interesting

than just something white
floating down a canal.

Anyway, I'm sort of making things
worse, so I'm just going to go back

and carry on doing my work.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Night?

Uh, I've got a dinner thing, actually.

OK, so you'll be done what, 11, 11:30?

Uh, yeah.

Come back to mine after.

Can I ask what for?

It'll just be a bit of fun.

Right, can you clarify
what you mean by fun,

just 'cos different people
find different things fun?

Like my mate thinks gardening is fun.

Other people like, um, jigsaws.

I'll text you the address.

Meeting in 20 if you
could tell the rest.

Oh, my gosh!

- Dave?
- There is always a Dave.

Dave!

- What about that one there?
- Dave! David. Davido.

- Dave! He's doing a little smile.
- A little smile.

There's something wrong with me.

Yeah, I know.

And I love you still.

But like, there actually is.

What?

It's to do with the way I think.

Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London?

- Have you been brainwashed?
- I'm not a Scientologist.

What then?

I've got OCD.

You don't have OCD.

My therapist thinks I do.

But you're such a mess.

OCD doesn't mean you're neat.

Uh, I have these thoughts
about sex pop into my head,

like, "She's got a vagina."

"I could snog him."

"That looks like a penis."

- Yeah, but everyone gets those.
- No.

Yeah, the other day, Colin was
in the office eating a banana

and I was like, "Oh,
he is sucking that off."

- Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
- Yeah.

I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm
already desperate for my meal deal.

OK.

So it's like that but not at all.

It's in my head, like, 24/7.

It makes me really anxious.

So I do stuff to try and get
rid of it like move to London

and avoid you.

You moved to London to avoid me?

No.

You're a trigger.

It's why sometimes I go weird with you

because you're always whapping
your boobs at me, it freaks me out.

- What's wrong with my boobs?
- Nothing.

No, it's not you, it's my
disorder, they upset me.

- Sorry.
- No.

I can't avoid every trigger.

Look, don't cover them
up, come on, get them out.

- Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to molest me!
- She's fine, Dave.

She loves it. She loves it, really.

I suppose they are quite nice.

Why do you think I'm
so obsessed with them?

- What's this one?
- Nancy.

That girl from the other night?

- No, she isn't a girl.
- Sorry, woman.

She's a witch.

Must be all right if you're
breaking the Dorothy double-dip rule.

What is wrong with me?

It's just a girl, a woman,
a fucking witch, whatever.

- Just say no to her.
- Can't.

She's going to send her
little witch monkeys after me

- and then where would I be?
- Trick her into having a bath.

I would love a bath with her.

'Cos then she'd melt and she'd
be dead 'cos she's a witch.

- Don't text her.
- No, I am taking control.

... ritual courtship in
their search for a mate.

Shereen!

I still can't believe
you live with SHEREEN.

She's all right.

- Hi.
- It's the pussy whisperer.

I never understood that moniker.
I've never even had a cat.

Come on, bring it in.
Don't try and strike me.

- You're welcome in my home.
- You smell like 2007.

You smell like that homeless
guy who lives outside the tube.

- Yeah, we went for drinks.
- I thought you were on a cleanse.

- Just a wee toast to the motherland.
- Look what I did.

Ta-da!

And a penne gratin with
roasted summer veg for tomorrow.

What's happening tomorrow?

We're having some people over for tea.

It's kind of in your honour

- and kind of because they were coming over anyway.
- What people?

People I met.

Oh, did you go on one of those
sad apps to try and make friends?

Those don't work. I've heard.

I met them in real life.

It will be great.

All of us together at
the same social event.

How often does that happen?

It will be like an eclipse.

Let's hope nobody
damages their eyesight.

Yeah, eclipses are always a let down.

But they also unite
everyone together to witness

an historic celestial event.

It's just a pasta bake, mate.

'The other thing about eclipses
is that you're so busy looking

up you don't see the massive
hole you're about to fall into.

So, this one here is...

- Helen.
- OK.

And that guy there?

Joe.

- Joe. Joe from work, Joe?
- Yeah.

Well, um...

Not from work now, 'cos I quit,
but he was at work when I was there.

So you keep in touch. That's nice.

Yeah, he's... kind of a friend, now.

- Like us.
- Yeah!

Babe, can you, like,

- text my phone 'cos I think it's broken?
- Yeah...

I'm just going to go and mingle.

He's mingling. Mingling is happening.

Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?

- Are they home-made or shop-bought?
- Home-made.

It's like when people bring
home-made stuff into work, isn't it?

- You just don't trust it.
- Do I detect some horseradish?

Yeah, so, what does
your house say about you?

It's like my old life shagged my
new life and had a delightful child.

It's OK, you don't have to say.

- Let's talk about something else.
- No, no, I'm going to do it.

Favourite celebrity animal? Um...

So when he's not texting, you're,
like, coming from different places.

And it's not because
they're not into you.

It's just they haven't had time to talk,

because they're at a
meeting or in a library,

and they can't talk, and that's why
they should fucking text, you know?

Maybe you should just ring her.

I should just ring her, you know?

Hey, Nance.

It's 8:32 pm on a Saturday,
and you're probably out,

breaking that glass
ceiling, or the mould,

or some hearts or something.

So am I, out and about.

He says you got him run over.

Well...

- What happened was...
- We were at this pub.

- What, like a date?
- No!

Like the opposite of a date.

What's this?

Did I, by any chance,
leave my bra at your house?

'Cos I arrived with it and
now I don't have it, so...

... if you find it...

... I want it back!

Thank you!

Um...

It was part of a set.

Of course. That's why
they're sold together.

Would you like a drink?

Yes, I'd like a pint of wine, please.

And his shoe was still in
my pocket when I left his.

Because the nurse said
I needed looking after.

- I was like his carer.
- Good bedside manner.

Er, so, not a date, to
answer your question.

She wouldn't.

Why not?

Um...

She's just not a very sexual person.

I'm doing all right in London.

I'm empty.

- You all right?
- I'm fine.

Why, do I not seem fine?

No...

You just seem a bit distracted.

Is it 'cos of all the
people, with their bodies?

I'm fine.

Well, I WAS fine.

Now I feel kind of shitty.

Why did she ask that?

Am I being a perv? Have people noticed?

It's essentially ratio analysis
and financial modelling,

with the overall objective of making

buy sell stock investment
recommendations, so...

- Right, sounds...
- Complex, yeah.

... really quite dry.

I mean, I'm more of a creative,
so that kind of stuff just...

- Oh, yeah.
- ... goes over my head.

So, you're... you're Joe from work?

Work Joe.

Joe doing the work.

All about the work. That's,
that's, that's all, just...

- Er, I do other stuff too.
- Yeah, yeah.

Probably not as much as me, though.

I, I do so many hobbies.

It's kind of my thing, actually.

It's actually how we met.

Oh, how did you? Sorry, she never said.

Felting.

Cool.

I think it's because I'm the
extrovert and she's the introvert.

We just gel.

Like a foetus absorbing
its twin in the womb.

That's very good.

- I, I think I've really come out of my shell...
- How did you guys meet?

How DID we meet, Marnie?

Er, er...

We met... in a bar.

She chatted me up.

- I was experimenting.
- What?

You got with her?

My first week in London,
the only human contact I had

was with an IKEA cashier.

And I paid for that privilege.

Oh, Charlie needs a drink.

Thank you.

So, how's things? How's work?

My, my boss came onto me.

What?

Mm, yeah, I know. I was
like, "Sarah, get off me!

You're my boss!"

She actually wants me to
go round there tonight.

You should report her.

Well, what if I was into it?

ARE you into it?

It doesn't matter, does it?

I mean, what am I going
to do? Turn up and...

... hope the little fella does too?

Oh, that's fear talking.

You need to take away its power.

Lack of power's kind of
the issue, though, innit?

I mean...

... people would
understand if you told them.

- What, so you... you think I should?
- Yeah.

Go round there after this? You think...

... that's a thing that I should do?

If that's what you want
to do, you should do that.

Yeah, I might.

- Whoops.
- Oh, oh, fuck.

It's OK if I... ? Yeah, sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

I wasn't apologising.

Er, Shereen, can I do anything?

No, no, no, no, it's all, it's all done.

I'll do the dishes. Sorry.

It's just nice to have people over.

Everyone is so nice.

- Amber invited me to her birthday party.
- Oh!

- She invited me too.
- You don't even live in London.

Yeah, well, I was thinking
about it, actually.

You know, getting back to my roots.

I thought you were from Slough.

It's still London.

If she moves here, I'll
have to move again...

like some sort of pervy nomad.

- Here we go.
- Hey!

- I made gratin with roasted summer vegetables.
- Pasta bake.

- Delicious.
- Thanks, Shereen.

Yeah, thanks for having
us around, Marnie.

Should I dish up for everyone?

- I want to make a speech.
- No!

Please don't, though,
'cos you're quite drunk.

- Shhh. Shhh.
- Helen...

I just want to say...

... I think it's really
nice that you lot are here.

- OK.
- 'Cos I know you don't really know her, like me.

But do you all get that she is special.

- Hey!
- Cheers.

Special, like special measures special,

'cos I fall short of
acceptable standards.

No! But it's fine,

because in spite of everything I know,

I accept you.

- Cool.
- Fabulous girl.

I love her.

Do you want a bit of baguette?

Yeah, shove some bread in
her mouth, shut her up. You...

- ... be nice.
- I AM being nice.

So be nice, then.

I'm literally always nice.

I'm being nice just by being here.

Like, coming to see you
when you just left me,

which WASN'T nice.

But I'm nice.

And I'm here.

So, you're welcome.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

Great. Shall we dig in?

- No. Gimme.
- What? I haven't...

Oh, oh, oh!

She just tried to get my top off!

Go on, then, have a good look!

Stop it, Helen, stop
it. I don't like it.

Maybe you should have some food.

Soak some of it up.

- You can look all you want when I move here.
- You're not moving here.

Yeah... I am.

'Cos I'd do that for you.

'Cos of what's wrong with you.

I don't want you to.

There's something wrong with her.

- No, there's not.
- Have you not told them?

Don't be ashamed.

If they were mates, they'll get
it. I don't think she wants to.

- She does. She does. She does.
- No!

She is obsessed with sex.

It's not me, it's my OCD.

Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!

She's doing it right now,
she's perving in her head,

thinking about all your bits and
what she wants to do with them.

And she has to do it,
no matter what it is,

and that's why she's
done stuff with you.

Even if she hasn't, she wants to.

Shut the fuck up, Helen!

It's going to get cold...

- Yeah, come on.
- Yeah. Plates.

- Mmm!
- Nicely done.

You'll, er, have to send me the recipe.

This looks...

Wow.

- You know, she asked to see my breasts.
- Fuck...

- And I was like, fine.
- Jesus Christ.

Because I'm your friend
and I would do that for you.

'Cos I know how sick she
is and I know that's why

- she won't stop looking at you all...
- Cover yourself up then!

See, she just wants to touch them...

Argh, I have OCD!

I have intrusive sexual thoughts
that give me really bad anxiety!

Yes, I've thought about you all.

No, I don't want to talk about it, so...

Enjoy your fucking tea.

Bon appétit.

It's good.

Most people ruin dinner
parties with salmonella, not me.

If you come to my house, it's not
the food that gives you nausea,

it's the shocking
revelations about the host.

Oh, I'll do it in the morning, Shereen.

- Oh, it's fine.
- I said I'll do it!

- Sorry.
- Don't apologise!

Why are you so nice to people?

You let them walk all over you.

It's not going to make them like
you, it's fucking depressing!

Stand up for yourself!

Sorry.

Hello?

In here.

Want some?

Actually, you don't
have any milk, do you?

Milk?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, just had a hankering.

Cheers.

Mm.

It's a nice place.

Good-sized rooms.

I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.

Conservatory, snug.

Has she text back yet?

Nope, not unless she's somehow
changed her name to Mom in my phone

and wants to know if I want this
lovely table lamp she's getting rid of.

Bit chintzy.

I said yeah.

Well done.

It's Irish chic.

That was weird.

Well, at least we didn't
get food poisoning.

There's still time.

Hello, Amber speaking.

Oh, is that your phone voice?

Nancy, hi.

Do you want to come round?

Um... Um...

I'm still out, actually.

OK. Well, another time, then.

I could do next week.

Yeah, just that work's a
bit full-on next week, so...

Oh, tell me about it! Work
is absolutely madness here.

She's totally using you, you idiot.

Don't do it!

Don't do it, just say no.

Um, I could do, say, an hour?

You are weak, mate!

So weak!

Great.

Isn't it just?

Great, so... Hello?

Who are you?

It's like when they change
Bonds, I don't like it.

No, 'cos what this
is is I'm playing her.

OK? I'm not going to go to hers,
and she's going to be waiting,

right, and I'm going to be
here on the couch in my PJs,

not at her house, where
she is probably naked.

- One second.
- Just going to...

Just going to what?

And... bedroom.

Oh, it's nice.

Very tidy.

It's a good size.

Oh, iPad by the bed, naughty.

Shouldn't use that before you
go to sleep 'cos it's blue light

and it keeps you up, you
know, disturbs your sleep...

Key performance indicator.

And no-one can find out.

Mum's the word.

- Not 'cos you're, you know...
- Yeah, sh!

Come on.

I don't know if I can.

If you're worried about
work, I'll be very discreet.

No, like, physically.

I've got a bit of a problem,
don't know if it works.

You know me, this.

I mean, it works sometimes,
I just don't really know when.

It's quite inconsistent.

I see.

Yeah, I just don't want
you to think that it's you.

- I know it's not me.
- It's definitely, definitely not you.

Yep, yep.

- I...
- What do you want to do, Charlie?

Well, if you still want to do something,

- then it would have to be me doing stuff to you.
- Right.

That would probably help,
you'd be doing me a favour.

Happy to help.

Helen, Helen!

- What?
- Your bag's on the seat.

Oh, sorry.

What did you just say to her?

- I said I was sorry 'cos my bag was on the seat.
- Oh.

Didn't know you knew that word.

- Well, I do.
- Maybe you should say it, then.

- You should say it.
- Why should I say it?

You're the one that behaved
like a massive bitch.

I can't believe you did that!

I travelled, like, 500
miles to come and see you!

The Proclaimers are in and they're
proclaiming a load of shite!

You just ignored me.

Pretty hard to ignore
you when everything you do

is so somebody will look at you.

Yeah, well everyone's looking at you now

so you don't have to worry about that.

Bet you hate that.

No, I hate that everyone gets
fun Marnie and I get this shit.

You love when I'm shit because then
nobody notices that you're shit.

You're shit!

OK, well, I'd rather
be shit than mental.

Bye.

Excuse me.

- I'm sorry.
- Me too.

I don't think that you're mental.

I was just really fucking
angry at you for leaving me.

I didn't leave you.

I left me.

Please come back.

You're not you when you're down here.

I think we need to not
be friends for a bit.

You can't not be my friend.

'Cos all I've got is you and my hair.

Are you breaking up with me?

I love you, but I hate how
I feel when I'm with you.

I'm sorry.

I think I just need to be on my own
for a bit until I sort myself out.

Well, I should go.

Will you be OK?

I'll fuck your dad to get back at you.

It's not me, it's her.

Light of my life,
bonfire of my existence.

She used to make me feel warm inside,

now she's set my heart on
fire, like an arson attack.

We are ashes.

But now new life can grow.

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