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1
00:00:02,888 --> 00:00:04,355
I thought it was really good.
2
00:00:04,357 --> 00:00:05,955
You thought it was really good?
3
00:00:05,957 --> 00:00:08,959
Yeah, I like that kind of movie,
the intrigue and the,
4
00:00:08,961 --> 00:00:10,227
I thought it was great.
5
00:00:10,229 --> 00:00:11,094
- Intrigue?
- Yeah.
6
00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:12,229
The performances were great.
7
00:00:12,231 --> 00:00:14,297
It was an aristocratic
Victorian romance.
8
00:00:14,299 --> 00:00:15,899
I found it intriguing.
9
00:00:15,901 --> 00:00:17,801
Wow, well, all I could think about
10
00:00:17,803 --> 00:00:19,837
was how bad their banging
must have smelled.
11
00:00:19,839 --> 00:00:21,705
Oh, they're banging, now,
in Elizabethan England.
12
00:00:21,707 --> 00:00:23,540
Sorry, Mike, plowing.
13
00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:24,541
I mean...
14
00:00:24,773 --> 00:00:27,177
Their clothes and underwear
were getting washed like, what,
15
00:00:27,179 --> 00:00:30,380
once a year,
and then they're just in rooms
16
00:00:30,382 --> 00:00:32,649
with pots filled with poop?
17
00:00:32,651 --> 00:00:34,218
I never think about that stuff.
18
00:00:34,220 --> 00:00:35,552
How is that possible?
19
00:00:35,554 --> 00:00:37,187
It's literally all I can think about.
20
00:00:37,189 --> 00:00:39,456
You've never thought about what happened
21
00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:41,592
to those poor women when
they got their periods?
22
00:00:41,594 --> 00:00:42,625
No.
23
00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:46,629
I mean, where they just forced
to lounge around in old blood rags?
24
00:00:46,631 --> 00:00:47,398
How is everything?
25
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,266
So good, thank you.
26
00:00:49,268 --> 00:00:51,634
Please don't ruin this
restaurant for me.
27
00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:54,004
Well, if you do,
we've got the new Italian coming in.
28
00:00:54,006 --> 00:00:55,306
Yeah, I don't think that's happening.
29
00:00:55,308 --> 00:00:57,875
- Why?
- People are freaking out about parking
30
00:00:57,877 --> 00:01:00,677
- and traffic congestion.
- Traffic congestion?
31
00:01:00,679 --> 00:01:02,479
For a restaurant that's
replacing another restaurant.
32
00:01:02,481 --> 00:01:05,215
Because people in this
neighborhood need to fucking relax.
33
00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:06,847
- Yeah, they do.
- They are
34
00:01:08,220 --> 00:01:11,154
so precious.
35
00:01:11,156 --> 00:01:12,022
Are you okay?
36
00:01:14,226 --> 00:01:16,584
If I don't make it, tell Amelia
37
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:18,796
she's just okay.
38
00:01:20,866 --> 00:01:24,234
Now I'm being punished
for that joke.
39
00:01:24,915 --> 00:01:27,404
Still it was totally worth it.
40
00:01:45,558 --> 00:01:47,725
Hey, do we need free dirt?
41
00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:49,226
- What?
- Or do we have
42
00:01:49,228 --> 00:01:52,696
a seismic retrofit contractor
we can recommend?
43
00:01:52,698 --> 00:01:54,264
I don't understand what's happening.
44
00:01:54,266 --> 00:01:56,900
What is happening is I'm
enjoying a lovely evening
45
00:01:56,902 --> 00:02:00,471
with one of my closest friends,
NextDoor.com.
46
00:02:00,473 --> 00:02:01,939
I thought you were
looking for babysitters.
47
00:02:01,941 --> 00:02:04,675
I am, I'm on NextDoor
looking for babysitters.
48
00:02:04,677 --> 00:02:08,211
I gotta say there's a couple
very strong options.
49
00:02:08,213 --> 00:02:12,416
Most notably, Christie M.
who has reiterated her offer
50
00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:16,145
- of filthy cheap childcare.
- Oh, god, no.
51
00:02:16,189 --> 00:02:18,289
She says, "Pay me whatever you want,
52
00:02:18,291 --> 00:02:21,691
just as long as I can use
you as a recommendation."
53
00:02:21,693 --> 00:02:23,160
Can't we just keep using Sarah?
54
00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:25,629
The woman who just texted
us in the middle our movie,
55
00:02:25,631 --> 00:02:28,532
"Does Amelia need dinner?"
followed by this emoji?
56
00:02:29,701 --> 00:02:31,501
Oh, yeah, that wasn't great.
57
00:02:31,503 --> 00:02:33,704
But in other NextDoor news,
58
00:02:33,706 --> 00:02:36,039
people are not happy with
our neighborhood Sandy,
59
00:02:36,041 --> 00:02:37,907
the artist formerly known as Shorts.
60
00:02:37,909 --> 00:02:39,176
- Really, why?
- Well, you know
61
00:02:39,212 --> 00:02:40,945
he's been Airbnb'ing his house,
62
00:02:40,947 --> 00:02:43,246
and of course, everybody's up in arms.
63
00:02:43,248 --> 00:02:45,649
Well, it is strangers
in the neighborhood.
64
00:02:45,651 --> 00:02:49,520
Do we need to call the town crier,
there's strangers in the neighborhood?
65
00:02:49,522 --> 00:02:51,183
- Okay.
- Get them to ring the bell.
66
00:02:51,257 --> 00:02:52,782
- All right.
- I'm just saying,
67
00:02:52,858 --> 00:02:55,558
we're the ones who share
a driveway with them,
68
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,194
and we haven't had a problem.
69
00:02:57,196 --> 00:02:58,929
That's true, hey, when you're done
70
00:02:58,931 --> 00:03:01,665
with your intimate rendezvous
with NextDoor here,
71
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:04,401
I may have a surprise for you.
72
00:03:04,403 --> 00:03:06,336
I feel like this is a trick.
73
00:03:06,338 --> 00:03:08,872
I got courtside Laker tickets
from Julie at work today.
74
00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:11,475
Fuck your face!
75
00:03:11,477 --> 00:03:12,977
What, how?
76
00:03:12,979 --> 00:03:15,813
I think it might involve a divorce,
so I didn't ask a lot of questions.
77
00:03:15,815 --> 00:03:16,947
I have questions.
78
00:03:16,949 --> 00:03:18,348
Can I ask the questions?
79
00:03:18,350 --> 00:03:19,549
After we get the tickets.
80
00:03:19,551 --> 00:03:22,152
Well, you have really done it now,
Michael Harris, haven't you?
81
00:03:22,154 --> 00:03:24,021
What did I do, what's going on?
82
00:03:24,023 --> 00:03:26,957
I am going to appear
nude in front of you.
83
00:03:26,959 --> 00:03:28,792
Do I get to do stuff to you?
84
00:03:28,794 --> 00:03:31,562
No, you do not,
I am going to stand here nude
85
00:03:31,564 --> 00:03:34,631
in front of you in this
extremely unflattering light
86
00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:37,901
in a gesture of thanks
for your generous work.
87
00:03:38,587 --> 00:03:39,501
I'm still in.
88
00:03:39,539 --> 00:03:42,439
How are there so many goddamn buttons
on this fucking shirt?
89
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:45,442
It's just gonna take a minute.
90
00:03:45,444 --> 00:03:46,777
Okay, I'm cool with it.
91
00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:49,313
Okay, this one
is legitimately not opening.
92
00:03:49,315 --> 00:03:50,781
- There it goes.
- All right.
93
00:03:51,434 --> 00:03:54,985
There you go, thank you for all
the hard work you have done.
94
00:03:54,987 --> 00:03:57,688
You're not really nude,
you know that, right?
95
00:03:59,025 --> 00:04:00,591
Don't make me actually get fully nude,
96
00:04:00,593 --> 00:04:02,192
'cause then I have
to put it all back on,
97
00:04:02,194 --> 00:04:03,761
and there's like so many buttons.
98
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:10,367
Grammy loves you so, so much.
99
00:04:10,469 --> 00:04:13,237
Grammy loves you so, so much.
100
00:04:13,239 --> 00:04:14,438
I got a new app.
101
00:04:15,608 --> 00:04:17,274
You know what,
you put yourself in a suit
102
00:04:17,276 --> 00:04:18,876
and comb that mustache down,
you could be
103
00:04:18,878 --> 00:04:20,944
the world's greatest kindergarten
teacher, Mr. Castalati.
104
00:04:20,946 --> 00:04:23,647
Oh, stop, he doesn't look like that.
105
00:04:23,649 --> 00:04:25,416
He looks a little like that.
106
00:04:25,418 --> 00:04:27,417
Mommy, can I make one of those videos?
107
00:04:27,419 --> 00:04:28,886
Sure, go for it, bubs.
108
00:04:28,888 --> 00:04:31,621
I wanna see what Walter
looks like in a mustache.
109
00:04:31,623 --> 00:04:34,624
Great, then I can see
Mr. Castalati's mustache
110
00:04:34,626 --> 00:04:36,026
everywhere I go.
111
00:04:36,028 --> 00:04:37,827
Well, from what I understand,
112
00:04:37,829 --> 00:04:40,464
you know that mustache
backwards and forwards.
113
00:04:40,466 --> 00:04:43,067
- And upside down.
- Ooh!
114
00:04:43,069 --> 00:04:45,302
I don't love you even being mock aroused
115
00:04:45,304 --> 00:04:48,972
by my primary educator erotic dreams.
116
00:04:48,974 --> 00:04:51,174
Hey, honey, do we have more trash bags?
117
00:04:51,176 --> 00:04:54,044
Other than the one on your body?
118
00:04:54,046 --> 00:04:54,853
I'll find them.
119
00:04:54,914 --> 00:04:57,514
Okay, are you just
purposely torturing me
120
00:04:57,516 --> 00:04:59,049
- with this tank top?
- Oh my god,
121
00:04:59,051 --> 00:05:00,584
I'm just doing chores around the house.
122
00:05:00,586 --> 00:05:01,585
I mean, who cares?
123
00:05:01,587 --> 00:05:03,854
So many people care, I care!
124
00:05:03,856 --> 00:05:04,854
Really?
125
00:05:04,856 --> 00:05:05,856
I think he looks wonderful.
126
00:05:05,858 --> 00:05:07,257
He's got the arms for it.
127
00:05:07,259 --> 00:05:08,459
You hear that?
128
00:05:08,461 --> 00:05:10,394
My mom likes it, how does that feel?
129
00:05:10,396 --> 00:05:12,329
- Actually, it feels great.
- Really?
130
00:05:12,331 --> 00:05:13,897
Thanks, Sharon,
for the lovely compliment.
131
00:05:13,899 --> 00:05:17,668
Oh, god, oh, whoa, there it is.
132
00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:20,271
- Good morning, marijuana!
- What?
133
00:05:20,273 --> 00:05:22,088
The past couple of days,
this has been our breakfast routine.
134
00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:25,142
Yeah, our neighbor Sandy's
Airbnb'ing his house,
135
00:05:25,144 --> 00:05:28,478
and apparently the new
tenants very much enjoy
136
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:29,880
their morning cannabis.
137
00:05:29,882 --> 00:05:32,516
I would not be pleased if that
were happening next to me.
138
00:05:32,518 --> 00:05:33,817
Are you gonna say something?
139
00:05:33,819 --> 00:05:37,354
Mom, they're smoking weed,
not meth, okay?
140
00:05:37,356 --> 00:05:39,757
And more importantly, there is no world
141
00:05:39,759 --> 00:05:41,158
where I am gonna say
something to Shorts.
142
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:43,127
- Why?
- Because I am the reason
143
00:05:43,129 --> 00:05:46,430
that Shorts no longer wears shorts,
144
00:05:46,432 --> 00:05:49,366
and probably the reason he
no longer feels comfortable
145
00:05:49,368 --> 00:05:51,101
living in his own home.
146
00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:54,704
- Definitely the reason.
- Mm, what is that?
147
00:05:54,706 --> 00:05:56,273
It smells like pizza!
148
00:05:58,544 --> 00:06:02,313
You know what, I think the neighbors
are making breakfast pizza.
149
00:06:02,315 --> 00:06:04,381
Now I want breakfast pizza.
150
00:06:05,952 --> 00:06:07,985
That does sound very, very good,
151
00:06:07,987 --> 00:06:10,120
but I think I'm gonna close the window
152
00:06:10,122 --> 00:06:13,724
because breakfast pizza
gives Grammy panic attacks.
153
00:06:13,726 --> 00:06:17,527
Oh, Grammy's never
even had breakfast pizza.
154
00:06:17,529 --> 00:06:18,796
You know they have
these special cards now
155
00:06:18,798 --> 00:06:19,997
for breakfast pizza.
156
00:06:19,999 --> 00:06:21,565
You can get it whenever you want.
157
00:06:25,404 --> 00:06:27,371
So this is basically it.
158
00:06:27,373 --> 00:06:28,739
Thank you so much for meeting me here.
159
00:06:28,741 --> 00:06:30,374
I'm sure this is exactly
what you wanted to do
160
00:06:30,376 --> 00:06:31,609
on a Tuesday morning.
161
00:06:31,611 --> 00:06:33,210
Oh, no, I'm happy
to get the lay of the land
162
00:06:33,212 --> 00:06:34,411
before I had to pick Amelia up.
163
00:06:34,413 --> 00:06:35,745
Well, I really appreciate it.
164
00:06:35,747 --> 00:06:37,815
I'll be working till about 5:00.
165
00:06:37,817 --> 00:06:39,550
Obviously, if there's any issues,
just call me.
166
00:06:39,552 --> 00:06:41,018
Yes, I'll text you when I pick her up
167
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:42,386
and then as soon as we get home.
168
00:06:42,388 --> 00:06:45,155
Wow, I officially have
very strong feelings for you.
169
00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:47,958
Okay, I will see you at 5:30.
170
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,292
- Okay, perfect.
- Thank you.
171
00:06:49,294 --> 00:06:50,694
Have a great day, bye.
172
00:06:50,696 --> 00:06:51,996
Ooh, is that the new sitter?
173
00:06:51,998 --> 00:06:54,798
Yes, that is our new babysitter,
Diana Ross.
174
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,800
Brian, take it away.
175
00:06:56,802 --> 00:06:59,036
Her name is Diana Ross.
176
00:06:59,038 --> 00:06:59,803
You're welcome.
177
00:07:00,495 --> 00:07:02,373
Well, I guess you guys took
everything else from us,
178
00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:04,574
you may as well take our queen.
179
00:07:04,576 --> 00:07:07,244
My new babysitter is
the queen of black people?
180
00:07:07,246 --> 00:07:09,913
Is that all you think of me as, black?
181
00:07:09,915 --> 00:07:12,816
Who was the us
you were referring to, huh?
182
00:07:12,818 --> 00:07:14,852
People who love the Wiz!
183
00:07:14,854 --> 00:07:16,520
You can't even say that stupid
joke with a straight face.
184
00:07:16,522 --> 00:07:17,988
All right, not my best moment.
185
00:07:17,990 --> 00:07:20,790
No, but also, not your worst.
186
00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:22,592
But seriously,
would you do me one favor?
187
00:07:22,594 --> 00:07:25,395
Would you ask your babysitter
if she hates Beyonce
188
00:07:25,397 --> 00:07:27,231
for playing her in the film adaptation
189
00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,066
of the musical adaptation of her life?
190
00:07:29,068 --> 00:07:30,400
This is your backup joke?
191
00:07:30,402 --> 00:07:32,069
I will die with this bitch.
192
00:07:33,318 --> 00:07:35,605
Bye, smooch, all right.
193
00:07:35,607 --> 00:07:37,041
Don't forget Diana's
picking you up today.
194
00:07:37,043 --> 00:07:39,009
- Okay.
- Oh, tell her she can park
195
00:07:39,011 --> 00:07:40,344
in our driveway so you
guys don't have to walk
196
00:07:40,346 --> 00:07:42,613
40 blocks to get to the house.
197
00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:44,014
You guys don't have street parking?
198
00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:46,016
Usually we do, but one of our neighbors
199
00:07:46,018 --> 00:07:48,052
is Airbnb'ing his house
and the people staying there
200
00:07:48,054 --> 00:07:52,256
right now have a lot of guests,
so, so many guests.
201
00:07:52,258 --> 00:07:53,757
So are your neighbors freaking out?
202
00:07:53,759 --> 00:07:55,459
Well, obviously, Darlene and Elliott
203
00:07:55,461 --> 00:08:00,097
are beside themselves,
but they also hate Christmas lights
204
00:08:00,099 --> 00:08:02,499
and block parties,
and I assume healthcare for babies.
205
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:04,634
I have a Richard and Lindsay, same.
206
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:06,503
Everyone has got a pair of assholes.
207
00:08:06,505 --> 00:08:09,707
Oh, you have a pair of assholes?
208
00:08:09,709 --> 00:08:12,509
Well, actually one of them
is more like a vestigial sac.
209
00:08:12,511 --> 00:08:13,911
I completely understand.
210
00:08:13,913 --> 00:08:14,912
I'll send you a picture of it.
211
00:08:14,914 --> 00:08:16,046
Nope.
212
00:08:16,048 --> 00:08:17,180
All right, I gotta tell Castalati
213
00:08:17,182 --> 00:08:18,848
that your queen's
picking Amelia up today.
214
00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:20,584
Are you gonna tell him or
are you gonna whisper it
215
00:08:20,586 --> 00:08:22,452
seductively into his ear?
216
00:08:22,454 --> 00:08:24,054
Oh, is that because I had
a sex dream about him?
217
00:08:24,056 --> 00:08:25,923
- Yes.
- Well, neither.
218
00:08:25,925 --> 00:08:28,058
I'm just gonna shout it
with my second butthole.
219
00:08:31,863 --> 00:08:34,131
Oh my god, how good
does our house look?
220
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,466
Diana Ross straightened everything up.
221
00:08:36,468 --> 00:08:38,736
Are you gonna call her
Diana Ross forever?
222
00:08:38,738 --> 00:08:42,940
Yes, I am, 'cause Diana Ross
deserves the respect.
223
00:08:42,942 --> 00:08:45,109
By the way,
I booked her for Lakers' night.
224
00:08:45,111 --> 00:08:46,476
- Nice.
- Yes.
225
00:08:49,081 --> 00:08:52,516
Oh, cool, the DJ's moved on to EDM.
226
00:08:52,518 --> 00:08:56,086
- EDM?
- Electronic dance music.
227
00:08:56,088 --> 00:08:57,955
I would have thought your
tank top got you access
228
00:08:57,957 --> 00:08:59,556
to all the best phone parties.
229
00:09:01,131 --> 00:09:03,294
Oh, I should probably get that.
230
00:09:03,296 --> 00:09:06,430
I assume it's our neighbors
profusely apologizing
231
00:09:06,432 --> 00:09:08,944
- for the noise, right?
- Okay.
232
00:09:15,441 --> 00:09:16,473
Hi.
233
00:09:18,444 --> 00:09:19,243
Hi.
234
00:09:21,347 --> 00:09:22,179
Can I help you?
235
00:09:23,315 --> 00:09:24,548
Can I use your bathroom?
236
00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:28,585
You know what, I think
you might have the wrong house.
237
00:09:28,587 --> 00:09:30,387
I think you might be
looking for our neighbors.
238
00:09:30,389 --> 00:09:32,356
It's just right across the driveway.
239
00:09:32,358 --> 00:09:34,358
It's cool, I know William.
240
00:09:36,061 --> 00:09:37,061
That is cool.
241
00:09:37,930 --> 00:09:39,262
I don't know William, so...
242
00:09:39,264 --> 00:09:41,465
Can you just let me use your bathroom?
243
00:09:42,323 --> 00:09:46,370
Sure, come on in,
she has to use the bathroom.
244
00:09:53,946 --> 00:09:58,281
Well, the bathroom is
just in the same direction
245
00:09:58,283 --> 00:10:01,518
you vomited, so just walk that way.
246
00:10:03,556 --> 00:10:04,688
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
247
00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:08,792
I guess I will be talking to Sandy.
248
00:10:09,829 --> 00:10:12,162
Oh, yeah, it's time.
249
00:10:12,164 --> 00:10:15,098
Well, the good news is our house
smells like Southern Comfort now.
250
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:20,800
Mm-hmm, other good news is
that I was barefoot, great.
251
00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:27,811
- Hey, Diana.
- Hey, guys.
252
00:10:27,813 --> 00:10:29,346
How did everything go?
253
00:10:29,348 --> 00:10:31,916
So good,
we did a puppet show with Walter.
254
00:10:31,918 --> 00:10:34,885
- Oh, nice, congratulations.
- Thank you.
255
00:10:34,887 --> 00:10:36,754
And she brushed her
teeth without me asking.
256
00:10:36,756 --> 00:10:38,656
Okay, that does not sound
like our child.
257
00:10:38,658 --> 00:10:40,424
- She's the best, really.
- Wow.
258
00:10:40,426 --> 00:10:42,860
You should have seen our first one,
total disaster.
259
00:10:42,862 --> 00:10:44,728
That's why Mike had to put her down.
260
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:47,364
Sorry, a little dark,
had a cocktail at dinner.
261
00:10:47,366 --> 00:10:48,599
Hey, don't encourage her.
262
00:10:48,601 --> 00:10:50,701
Thank you so much, anytime, really.
263
00:10:50,703 --> 00:10:52,269
Oh, one thing to keep an eye on,
264
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:53,871
she was complaining about
a little bit of itching
265
00:10:53,873 --> 00:10:55,005
on her front tushy.
266
00:10:57,143 --> 00:10:58,542
Oh, her vagina?
267
00:10:58,544 --> 00:11:01,879
Yeah, front tushy.
268
00:11:01,881 --> 00:11:03,747
Anyway, I just had her put
a little bit of cream on it,
269
00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:05,116
which totally seemed to help,
270
00:11:05,118 --> 00:11:07,752
but I did want you guys to be aware.
271
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,154
Great, thank you.
272
00:11:10,156 --> 00:11:10,888
I'll see you later.
273
00:11:10,890 --> 00:11:12,022
- Bye.
- Bye.
274
00:11:16,362 --> 00:11:19,296
I offered her a vagina
on a silver platter
275
00:11:19,298 --> 00:11:21,898
and she doubled down on front tushy.
276
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,167
Please stop saying that.
277
00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:25,169
How are you not comfortable
with your own body
278
00:11:25,171 --> 00:11:27,772
as like a 20 something year old woman?
279
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:28,973
- It's so weird.
- I mean,
280
00:11:28,975 --> 00:11:32,009
there's no way that this just ends
with front tushy.
281
00:11:32,011 --> 00:11:33,677
This has other implications.
282
00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:36,347
Right, like what other
realities can't she handle?
283
00:11:36,349 --> 00:11:40,751
I mean, how confusing, first of all,
is the term front tushy?
284
00:11:40,753 --> 00:11:42,186
Like what, you grow up,
and then you're like,
285
00:11:42,188 --> 00:11:43,753
"Yeah, you can have sex with my tushy,
286
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:47,105
"oh, not the one you're thinking of,
the other one."
287
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,474
I mean, I don't wanna be dramatic,
288
00:11:48,476 --> 00:11:52,078
but I'm not interested in
having this around our daughter.
289
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,478
We gotta figure something else out.
290
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,347
I totally agree.
291
00:11:54,349 --> 00:11:59,018
Yeah, someone who's not gonna
refer to your dick as a bottom nose.
292
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:02,088
Sounds crazy,
but I prefer that to front tushy.
293
00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:04,557
God, it's so rare
that something horrifies me.
294
00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:06,559
Also, bottom nose was pretty good,
295
00:12:06,561 --> 00:12:08,160
just like right in the moment, right?
296
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:09,895
Yeah, you got it, yeah, nailed it.
297
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:13,699
Oh shit, did you email Mr. Castalati
those baby photos of Amelia?
298
00:12:13,701 --> 00:12:15,901
He needs him tomorrow for that collage.
299
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,236
No, I gotta do it, all right.
300
00:12:17,238 --> 00:12:18,938
I think you're gonna send two or three.
301
00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:22,708
Maybe send that one of her
little face in that flower towel.
302
00:12:22,710 --> 00:12:24,977
Mr. Castalati's email is
not coming up on my phone,
303
00:12:24,979 --> 00:12:27,846
so can you just send me
your boyfriend's info?
304
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:31,183
Sure, and by the way,
thank you for being so accepting
305
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:35,588
of our very, very sexual relationship.
306
00:12:35,590 --> 00:12:38,124
Let me know if you ever need a third.
307
00:12:38,126 --> 00:12:40,526
Don't be disgusting, Mike.
308
00:12:40,528 --> 00:12:42,762
Mr. Castalati has a workout
buddy that we loop in
309
00:12:42,764 --> 00:12:46,132
when we need an extra D, so we're good.
310
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:52,338
Sandy, hey!
311
00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:56,609
Oh my god,
I haven't seen you in so long.
312
00:12:56,611 --> 00:12:58,977
- How are you?
- Fine.
313
00:13:00,281 --> 00:13:03,215
Great, well, you look great.
314
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:04,883
Did you lose weight?
315
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,152
Not that you needed
to lose weight, but...
316
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,554
I stopped eating ice cream.
317
00:13:10,158 --> 00:13:13,359
Great, well, I just wanted to say
318
00:13:13,361 --> 00:13:15,428
I think it's so cool that
you're renting out your house.
319
00:13:15,430 --> 00:13:17,630
- It's just so smart.
- Okay.
320
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:23,970
So how long are these folks
gonna be hanging out with us?
321
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,171
Two more weeks.
322
00:13:26,841 --> 00:13:28,808
Oh, great.
323
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:31,210
You know what,
I was wondering is there a way,
324
00:13:31,212 --> 00:13:32,511
and I don't know if there is,
325
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:35,047
that you can like check out
who your renters are
326
00:13:35,049 --> 00:13:37,917
before you throw 'em
the keys to your castle?
327
00:13:38,453 --> 00:13:40,252
I don't think so.
328
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:44,924
Really, there's no reviews
or ratings or anything?
329
00:13:44,926 --> 00:13:45,925
There are.
330
00:13:48,729 --> 00:13:52,565
Oh, okay, thanks,
I didn't know how it all worked.
331
00:13:55,236 --> 00:13:58,638
Anyway, so great to see you.
332
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,472
You, too.
333
00:14:02,677 --> 00:14:03,476
Bye.
334
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,355
It was the single most
uncomfortable conversation
335
00:14:16,357 --> 00:14:17,956
I have ever had with Shorts,
336
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,493
and I'm including the time
that I crushed his will to live
337
00:14:20,495 --> 00:14:23,296
and sentenced him to a life of pants.
338
00:14:23,298 --> 00:14:24,830
I wish I could have been there.
339
00:14:24,832 --> 00:14:25,865
You know,
it's two more weeks out of my life.
340
00:14:25,867 --> 00:14:27,432
I can do anything for two weeks.
341
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:30,703
That's true, you've had UTIs
that have lasted longer than that.
342
00:14:30,705 --> 00:14:32,171
No, I haven't.
343
00:14:32,173 --> 00:14:34,674
Really? Then who am I thinking of?
344
00:14:34,676 --> 00:14:39,045
I don't know, but they need
to take better care of themselves.
345
00:14:40,658 --> 00:14:44,116
Oh, shit, how is it possible
that every single babysitter
346
00:14:44,118 --> 00:14:46,651
we know is busy on the same Saturday?
347
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,921
Do you have anybody that
you love that I can steal?
348
00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:51,057
Why, what happened to Miss Diana Ross?
349
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:52,591
Oh, you mean front tushy?
350
00:14:52,593 --> 00:14:54,059
I hope not.
351
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,896
Yeah, that's how she
referred to Amelia's vagina.
352
00:14:56,898 --> 00:15:00,799
Oh, okay, I'll come up with
a couple of names for you.
353
00:15:00,801 --> 00:15:04,337
Of babysitters or horrifying
names of genitalia?
354
00:15:04,339 --> 00:15:06,305
Obviously, I'm open for both.
355
00:15:06,307 --> 00:15:08,273
I will give you both then.
356
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,128
- Oh my god.
- What?
357
00:15:12,213 --> 00:15:14,480
- Oh my god.
- Are you okay?
358
00:15:17,151 --> 00:15:20,720
Apparently,
I sent an email to Mr. Castalati
359
00:15:20,722 --> 00:15:23,822
that was not meant for him.
360
00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:25,057
Okay, how?
361
00:15:26,494 --> 00:15:29,128
Mike needed his email
address and I looked it up
362
00:15:29,130 --> 00:15:32,665
by putting it in the cc line,
and apparently,
363
00:15:33,901 --> 00:15:36,435
never erased it before I hit send.
364
00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:38,938
Ah, shit, what did it say?
365
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:43,642
Well, the subject line
starts with my boyfriend.
366
00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:45,778
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
367
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:48,381
And then I wrote
here's the email address
368
00:15:48,383 --> 00:15:52,685
for my mustached fuckboi, spelled B-O-I.
369
00:15:53,721 --> 00:15:55,721
Okay, that's not good.
370
00:15:55,723 --> 00:15:58,391
I continue with,
please do not disturb us
371
00:15:58,393 --> 00:16:01,460
between 3:00 and 3:04.
372
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:05,564
Unfortunately,
that's all he can last, dot dot dot,
373
00:16:05,566 --> 00:16:07,466
we're working on it.
374
00:16:08,869 --> 00:16:10,535
So that's what I wrote.
375
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,138
- Did he respond?
- Mm-hmm, yeah, he sure did.
376
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:16,776
He wrote,
"I believe this was sent in error."
377
00:16:18,613 --> 00:16:20,479
- That's it?
- Yep.
378
00:16:22,417 --> 00:16:24,784
If you smile, we are done here.
379
00:16:24,786 --> 00:16:26,619
No, I understand.
380
00:16:28,022 --> 00:16:30,990
But please just let me
know when it's all right
381
00:16:30,992 --> 00:16:32,992
for me to tell people this story.
382
00:16:34,762 --> 00:16:36,395
I'm gonna need you to step away.
383
00:16:41,777 --> 00:16:43,243
I mean, you called him your boyfriend.
384
00:16:43,245 --> 00:16:44,444
Maybe that's a compliment.
385
00:16:44,446 --> 00:16:45,913
What about the part, mom, where I said
386
00:16:45,915 --> 00:16:48,181
he could only keep from
orgasming for four minutes
387
00:16:48,183 --> 00:16:51,718
and that he and I were
working on it as a couple?
388
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,186
That part wasn't great.
389
00:16:53,188 --> 00:16:54,654
I mean, I don't have to
see him today or tomorrow,
390
00:16:54,656 --> 00:16:56,557
but I am going to have
to face him on Monday.
391
00:16:56,559 --> 00:16:58,325
That's a thing that's
gonna be happening.
392
00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:00,360
- Oh boy.
- Yeah.
393
00:17:00,362 --> 00:17:02,195
I mean, there's really
nothing else I can do.
394
00:17:02,197 --> 00:17:04,932
I gotta send him a sincere
apology and just say,
395
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:06,600
obviously that wasn't meant for you,
396
00:17:06,602 --> 00:17:08,001
I'm extremely embarrassed,
397
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,136
and then just deal with what happens.
398
00:17:10,138 --> 00:17:11,939
- 22?
- Oh, that's us.
399
00:17:11,941 --> 00:17:13,206
What's going in there?
400
00:17:13,208 --> 00:17:15,142
Oh, that's supposed to be
some Italian place,
401
00:17:15,144 --> 00:17:17,611
but Darlene and Elliott are
being dickheads, so who knows?
402
00:17:17,613 --> 00:17:18,945
Hi, we're 22.
403
00:17:18,947 --> 00:17:20,947
Did you guys want spicy or mild salsa?
404
00:17:20,949 --> 00:17:23,417
You know what,
I'll take three milds and two spicy.
405
00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:25,018
I like mine a little spicy.
406
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:27,321
Just like you like your
kindergarten teachers.
407
00:17:28,690 --> 00:17:29,823
Really?
408
00:17:29,825 --> 00:17:30,624
Thank you.
409
00:17:31,994 --> 00:17:34,027
Oh my god, stop giggling.
410
00:17:34,937 --> 00:17:37,431
Hey, did you find a
babysitter for Saturday yet?
411
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:38,765
No, we're still looking.
412
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,233
Oh god, I feel terrible.
413
00:17:40,235 --> 00:17:41,768
Look, I can cancel my plans.
414
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:45,639
Mom, you're not gonna cancel
on your cousin's 80th birthday party.
415
00:17:45,641 --> 00:17:47,707
Brian sent us some names,
we'll find someone.
416
00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:49,409
Okay, but you'll just
let me know, right?
417
00:17:49,411 --> 00:17:50,977
Yes, I will.
418
00:17:50,979 --> 00:17:54,381
By the way, what's old Miriam
cooking up for the big 80th?
419
00:17:54,383 --> 00:17:57,250
Well, it's a surprise,
so she doesn't even know it's happening.
420
00:17:57,252 --> 00:17:59,107
Are you sure you should be
surprising an 80-year-old?
421
00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:00,854
That's what I was worried about.
422
00:18:02,858 --> 00:18:04,191
What are you doing?
423
00:18:04,193 --> 00:18:06,660
Just surprising you
and seeing what happens.
424
00:18:06,662 --> 00:18:08,929
- Well, don't!
- Ow!
425
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,034
What am I supposed to be doing again?
426
00:18:15,404 --> 00:18:17,471
It's 8:00,
this is usually when you check
427
00:18:17,473 --> 00:18:19,406
the Asian stock market, so...
428
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:25,612
The same thing that you do every
night to get ready for bed.
429
00:18:25,845 --> 00:18:28,015
So I should brush my teeth?
430
00:18:28,017 --> 00:18:32,152
Yeah, yeah, go, brush your teeth.
431
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:32,953
Oh my god.
432
00:18:34,222 --> 00:18:36,023
Still no response to your apology email?
433
00:18:36,025 --> 00:18:38,091
No, it's been 24 hours of silence.
434
00:18:38,093 --> 00:18:40,227
I just wanna know if he got my email
435
00:18:40,229 --> 00:18:41,828
and was like purposely ignoring me,
436
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,030
so then at least I would
know where I stood.
437
00:18:44,032 --> 00:18:46,833
Well, you know you got
the right email address.
438
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:50,070
Maybe he only responds to emails
that sexually humiliate him.
439
00:18:50,072 --> 00:18:51,638
Oh, then just shoot him another email
440
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,341
and this time make fun
of his huge balls.
441
00:18:56,879 --> 00:18:59,112
Why do you think
he has huge balls, Mike?
442
00:18:59,114 --> 00:19:01,848
I don't know,
I'm not thinking of his balls.
443
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,517
I never thought of his balls.
444
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:05,252
You kind of just did.
445
00:19:05,254 --> 00:19:07,387
Is anyone gonna read to me?
446
00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:10,857
Oh, I guess the queen is ready
for her dancing monkeys.
447
00:19:12,127 --> 00:19:14,728
- Not loving that attitude.
- No.
448
00:19:16,131 --> 00:19:18,865
My friend, that is not the way
you speak to your parent...
449
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,668
- Oh my god!
- Wow.
450
00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:24,905
That is overwhelming.
451
00:19:24,907 --> 00:19:27,874
They're making pizza again!
452
00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,475
Uh-huh, they love pizza.
453
00:19:29,477 --> 00:19:30,877
All right, bubs, you know what?
454
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,213
You're gonna have a sleepover
in mommy and daddy's room
455
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,348
- tonight!
- Really?
456
00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:37,083
Yeah, grab the blankey, grab Walter,
457
00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:39,319
okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
458
00:19:39,321 --> 00:19:40,687
Jesus Christ!
459
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:42,956
Okay, you know,
our daughter's getting hotboxed now.
460
00:19:42,958 --> 00:19:44,524
We're done here, I'm calling the police.
461
00:19:44,526 --> 00:19:46,126
Yeah, we lasted as long as we could.
462
00:19:46,128 --> 00:19:48,695
Yep, that's what Mr. Castalati said.
463
00:19:49,351 --> 00:19:50,830
Oh god.
464
00:19:54,370 --> 00:19:57,503
So you are the person on the street
who called the cops on the party.
465
00:19:57,505 --> 00:19:58,538
Uh-huh, and you know what?
466
00:19:58,540 --> 00:19:59,773
I feel great about it.
467
00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,975
I will tell you that next door
468
00:20:01,977 --> 00:20:04,778
they found a lot of underage drinking,
469
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:06,380
- quite a few illegal drugs.
- Oh.
470
00:20:06,382 --> 00:20:08,782
And one of the cops told me that,
471
00:20:08,784 --> 00:20:11,051
unfortunately, this will probably mean
472
00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:13,453
Shorts' renters license
gets revoked, so...
473
00:20:13,455 --> 00:20:16,489
So now you've destroyed Shorts twice.
474
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:17,991
I don't feel good about it.
475
00:20:17,993 --> 00:20:20,527
Your face right now looks
like you feel great about it.
476
00:20:20,529 --> 00:20:22,529
That's just this part of my face.
477
00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:25,232
This part of my face
does feel a little bad.
478
00:20:25,234 --> 00:20:28,035
- Uh oh, there he is.
- Oh, god.
479
00:20:28,037 --> 00:20:30,771
Look, just get it over with.
480
00:20:32,007 --> 00:20:33,173
All right, okay.
481
00:20:34,944 --> 00:20:35,976
Hey, good luck.
482
00:20:37,312 --> 00:20:39,413
- Andrea, Andrea!
- What?
483
00:20:39,415 --> 00:20:41,081
Lead with your good butthole.
484
00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:43,568
I'm not leading with a butthole.
485
00:20:47,590 --> 00:20:48,922
Hi, Mr. Castalati.
486
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:51,959
Mrs. Warren, good morning.
487
00:20:51,961 --> 00:20:56,630
Good morning, I assume you got
my email, my second email?
488
00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:57,464
Yes, I got it.
489
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:01,768
Well, I just wanted to
apologize again in person
490
00:21:01,770 --> 00:21:06,773
and let you know how truly
sorry I am about what happened.
491
00:21:07,343 --> 00:21:09,009
Well, I appreciate the apology.
492
00:21:10,646 --> 00:21:13,113
Thank you, okay.
493
00:21:14,783 --> 00:21:16,683
You know, I should tell you
494
00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:20,087
I recently lasted up to seven minutes.
495
00:21:22,224 --> 00:21:24,324
You know, I thought
you'd want an update.
496
00:21:26,361 --> 00:21:28,862
Oh my god, yes,
497
00:21:28,864 --> 00:21:31,832
obviously, that is something
I would want to know.
498
00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:34,301
I mean, seven minutes,
that's a significant leap.
499
00:21:34,303 --> 00:21:36,103
It is, it's almost double, so...
500
00:21:36,105 --> 00:21:37,804
I assume you thought about World War II,
501
00:21:37,806 --> 00:21:38,672
like I recommended.
502
00:21:38,674 --> 00:21:40,206
No, no, labor legislation.
503
00:21:40,208 --> 00:21:43,076
World War II, those German 88s
firing down on Omaha Beach
504
00:21:43,078 --> 00:21:44,478
was just too much for me.
505
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,812
Okay, who are you?
506
00:21:45,814 --> 00:21:47,080
I wanna give you a hug.
507
00:21:47,082 --> 00:21:48,414
I mean, obviously, I'm not going to.
508
00:21:49,952 --> 00:21:51,418
I assume you need to start class?
509
00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:52,953
I do, I do.
510
00:21:52,955 --> 00:21:55,021
Just make sure you last
through the school day.
511
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:56,890
Well, you know,
if there's anything you want
512
00:21:56,892 --> 00:21:58,926
in a kindergarten teacher,
it is stamina.
513
00:22:00,428 --> 00:22:01,895
Again, thrilled.
514
00:22:01,897 --> 00:22:05,632
Well, put your dick away,
I'll see you at pickup.
515
00:22:05,634 --> 00:22:06,466
You got it.
516
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,734
Mr. Castalati joked that
he thinks about labor laws
517
00:22:12,736 --> 00:22:14,068
to keep himself from orgasming?
518
00:22:14,070 --> 00:22:17,071
Yes, Mike, he's my people.
519
00:22:17,073 --> 00:22:19,741
I don't want your people
teaching our daughter.
520
00:22:19,743 --> 00:22:22,110
Well, that's fair.
521
00:22:22,112 --> 00:22:23,945
You do know that
eventually I will leave you
522
00:22:23,947 --> 00:22:25,680
for Ted though, right?
523
00:22:25,682 --> 00:22:27,481
Have you confirmed that
that's his real name?
524
00:22:27,483 --> 00:22:30,618
I don't need to, he will always
be Big Dick Teddy to me.
525
00:22:30,620 --> 00:22:31,886
Gross.
526
00:22:31,888 --> 00:22:35,089
- Ooh, big update.
- What?
527
00:22:35,091 --> 00:22:37,325
Someone got the free dirt.
528
00:22:37,327 --> 00:22:38,893
Get off NextDoor.
529
00:22:38,895 --> 00:22:41,296
I can't stop and I will not stop.
530
00:22:41,298 --> 00:22:43,765
- I don't get it.
- Are you kidding me?
531
00:22:43,767 --> 00:22:45,333
Oh my god, Darlene and Elliott
532
00:22:45,335 --> 00:22:46,968
wouldn't let Petrucci's
open in our neighborhood.
533
00:22:46,970 --> 00:22:48,303
Guess what's coming in its place?
534
00:22:48,305 --> 00:22:49,437
What?
535
00:22:49,439 --> 00:22:50,939
A medical marijuana dispensary.
536
00:22:50,941 --> 00:22:52,140
Are you serious?
537
00:22:52,142 --> 00:22:54,342
Yep, great job, guys, congratulations.
538
00:22:54,344 --> 00:22:57,445
I am sure the Paper Source next door
is going to be thrilled.
539
00:22:57,447 --> 00:22:58,847
They're the fucking worst.
540
00:22:59,716 --> 00:23:01,716
Did you just swear?
541
00:23:01,718 --> 00:23:03,952
Yep, and I'm about to swear again.
542
00:23:03,954 --> 00:23:06,788
Fuck, Brian's sitter
fell through for tomorrow.
543
00:23:06,790 --> 00:23:07,879
No.
544
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,727
You know what, this is stupid.
545
00:23:13,729 --> 00:23:15,330
You gotta give the tickets away.
546
00:23:15,332 --> 00:23:16,164
You're right.
547
00:23:19,803 --> 00:23:22,270
I just never sat courtside before,
you know.
548
00:23:23,673 --> 00:23:24,772
Me neither.
549
00:23:28,144 --> 00:23:31,613
I mean, what are the chances
Amelia's vagina gets itchy
550
00:23:31,615 --> 00:23:34,282
in the 45 minutes before bedtime?
551
00:23:34,284 --> 00:23:35,316
They can't be high.
552
00:23:37,887 --> 00:23:39,988
Should I call Diana Ross?
553
00:23:39,990 --> 00:23:41,823
I think so.
554
00:23:41,825 --> 00:23:44,025
It's 11:12, Diana Ross is awake.
555
00:23:44,027 --> 00:23:47,595
- I mean, she's Diana Ross.
- She sure is.
556
00:23:47,597 --> 00:23:50,164
Her front tushy's probably awake.
557
00:23:50,166 --> 00:23:51,399
Oh, still too soon.
558
00:24:00,577 --> 00:24:03,044
- Hi.
- Hi, Sandy.
559
00:24:03,046 --> 00:24:04,412
Sorry I'm blocking the driveway.
560
00:24:04,414 --> 00:24:05,647
I should be done in an hour.
561
00:24:05,649 --> 00:24:07,381
Not a problem, take your time.
562
00:24:07,383 --> 00:24:09,317
I'm just moving some
of my stuff back in.
563
00:24:09,319 --> 00:24:12,654
Because of my last tenants,
I can't rent anymore.
564
00:24:12,656 --> 00:24:15,990
Yeah, I heard about that, and I'm sorry.
565
00:24:15,992 --> 00:24:16,825
Thanks.
566
00:24:18,594 --> 00:24:20,662
I heard it was Darlene and Elliott,
567
00:24:20,664 --> 00:24:22,197
just what people are saying.
568
00:24:22,199 --> 00:24:23,031
Assholes.
569
00:24:24,601 --> 00:24:25,433
I agree.
570
00:24:25,434 --> 00:24:27,234
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571
00:24:27,284 --> 00:24:31,834
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