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1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,551
If there were a hypothetical
compost vessel
2
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:13,689
for -- hypothetically --
our doodie,
3
00:00:13,689 --> 00:00:15,310
would you hypothetically
be into that?
4
00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:18,103
Sure! I been crashing on
friends' couches for a month,
5
00:00:18,103 --> 00:00:21,344
so I can literally move in
to-morr-ow, all right?
6
00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:22,758
Let me ask you this.
7
00:00:22,758 --> 00:00:24,827
When I take a shower,
will you keep me company?
8
00:00:24,827 --> 00:00:26,310
Not -- Not
inthe shower,
9
00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:28,206
just, like, sit on the toilet
and talk to me?
10
00:00:28,206 --> 00:00:29,862
Okay.
11
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:33,137
Okay, I just have
one final question.Mm-hmm.
12
00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:36,517
What is your stance
on the Olsen twins?
13
00:00:36,517 --> 00:00:38,896
Oh, my God, girl,
the Olsen twins.
14
00:00:38,896 --> 00:00:41,241
It drives me nuts,
you understand?
15
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,551
Part of it is like
I feel sorry for them.Yes.
16
00:00:43,551 --> 00:00:45,172
But they also billionaires,
so I hate them.
17
00:00:45,172 --> 00:00:46,379
Yes! Right.
18
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,034
But, I mean,
did they ask for this?
19
00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:49,586
No, they did not. Okay?Unh-unh.
20
00:00:49,586 --> 00:00:51,241
Why would you have
Uncle Jesse
21
00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:54,758
picking them up,
kissing them to get women?
22
00:00:54,758 --> 00:00:56,551
What woman sees that
as a turn-on?
23
00:00:56,551 --> 00:00:58,172
What kind of move
is this?
24
00:00:58,172 --> 00:01:00,482
Child, that whole set
is about to be Bill Cosby.
25
00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:01,931
You hear me?
Bizarre.
26
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,896
Okay? MeToo moments
every damn where.
27
00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,275
That's it.
I mean, give it to me.For real.
28
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:07,551
Lay it down.
Hello?
29
00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:08,724
I mean, we vibing,
right?
30
00:01:08,724 --> 00:01:10,206
Child.
Ye-e-es!
31
00:01:10,206 --> 00:01:11,379
Beezy!
All ri-i-ight!
32
00:01:11,379 --> 00:01:12,413
Ha ha ha!
33
00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:14,172
Ah, yes!
34
00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:16,827
Now, just tell me,
what room do I take, okay?
35
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:20,137
Well, you have officially
secured yourself a backup offer.
36
00:01:20,137 --> 00:01:21,379
Backup?
37
00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:22,896
It's just that
I have one more
38
00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:25,793
brown-eyed, goy-nosed,
fat-assed,
39
00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,724
beautiful candidate
left to explore.
40
00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:30,620
Well, girl, you've literally
just described me.
41
00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:32,896
[ Chuckling ] Well,
it looks like I have a type.[ Sighs ]
42
00:01:32,896 --> 00:01:34,137
I will get back to you
in 24 hours.
43
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:35,310
Can you make it 23?
44
00:01:35,310 --> 00:01:36,689
'Cause I really love
this place.
45
00:01:36,689 --> 00:01:37,931
[ Clatter ]
46
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,551
That's never
happened before.
47
00:01:39,551 --> 00:01:41,931
♪ Four and three and two
and one -- one ♪
48
00:01:41,931 --> 00:01:46,517
♪♪
49
00:01:46,517 --> 00:01:48,206
I'm scared.
50
00:01:48,206 --> 00:01:49,724
I don't know
how to say it
51
00:01:49,724 --> 00:01:53,551
or when or where
or how exactly.
52
00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:54,965
Ugh.
You haven't told Ilana
53
00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,448
you're moving
to Colorado yet?!
54
00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:58,241
I donot envy you.
55
00:01:58,241 --> 00:02:00,586
When we told her we were
getting rid of her car,
56
00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:03,620
we took her to see
Savion Glover tap-dance...King of tap.
57
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:07,172
...and we even
snuck in a backpack of sour cherry straws...
58
00:02:07,172 --> 00:02:09,000
Those are her favorite....and she still
59
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,206
wanted to declare
legal emancipation.
60
00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,620
And you better
tell that bitch soon
61
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:14,206
because I'm only good
up to a certain point
62
00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,517
when it comes
to keeping a secret.
63
00:02:15,517 --> 00:02:17,206
Like, 12 hours ago,
64
00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:20,103
Eliot tells me
he's having an affair --
65
00:02:20,103 --> 00:02:21,517
Can you believe this? --
66
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:24,275
with a married man,
married to a woman!
67
00:02:24,275 --> 00:02:26,379
He's a homewrecker,
Abbi!
68
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,862
Fuck.
See? 12 hours.
69
00:02:27,862 --> 00:02:29,551
Ugh.
I can't help myself.
70
00:02:29,551 --> 00:02:31,275
Okay, okay,
I-I'll do it today.
71
00:02:31,275 --> 00:02:33,896
Butter her up -- flowers,
weed, something special.
72
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,172
Just tell me
it's gonna be okay.
73
00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:37,551
Bobbi?
74
00:02:37,551 --> 00:02:39,517
Bob, you're froz...
75
00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:43,620
Okay, I can see the ceiling fan
still moving in the background.
76
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:45,310
[ Laptop chirps ]
77
00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:48,034
♪♪
78
00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:49,827
[ Sighs ] Okay.
79
00:02:49,827 --> 00:02:51,103
[ Ilana laughs ]
80
00:02:51,103 --> 00:02:52,310
Ilana: What?
81
00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:54,172
Dude, what?
Wait.
82
00:02:54,172 --> 00:02:58,000
We both bought each other
a dozen roses?
83
00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,896
[ Laughs ]
84
00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,379
That is amazing.
Can you believe --
85
00:03:01,379 --> 00:03:02,448
Okay,
these are for you.
86
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:03,965
And those are for you.
87
00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,172
Can you believe we are
so psychically linked?
88
00:03:06,172 --> 00:03:08,586
No, and -- and,
luckily, nothing --
89
00:03:08,586 --> 00:03:12,206
you know, no space or time
or distance or anything --
90
00:03:12,206 --> 00:03:13,655
would ever change that
or take that away.
91
00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:15,000
Not even death.
92
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,344
That's hot.
Yeah.
93
00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,586
So, today, we are
going to do something
94
00:03:19,586 --> 00:03:22,724
that you have wanted
to do forever, baby.What?
95
00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:25,931
[ Lisping ]
"Sleep No More"!
96
00:03:25,931 --> 00:03:27,413
[ Laughs ]
Are you serious?
97
00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:28,689
[ Normal voice ]
Uh-huh!
98
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:29,931
God, I love
living in New York City.
99
00:03:29,931 --> 00:03:31,551
You just --
You can't beat it.
100
00:03:31,551 --> 00:03:32,965
You get to be
physically near
101
00:03:32,965 --> 00:03:34,896
the cutting edge
of art and culture
102
00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:36,275
and then,
just a mere decade later,
103
00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:38,448
actually afford
to experience it.
104
00:03:38,448 --> 00:03:40,068
Mm-hmm.
But wait.
105
00:03:40,068 --> 00:03:41,827
Aren't you gonna be
too scared to go?
106
00:03:41,827 --> 00:03:42,896
I mean, I'm excited.
107
00:03:42,896 --> 00:03:44,172
I am also scared,
108
00:03:44,172 --> 00:03:46,000
but it is gonna be
scary, right?
109
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,724
It's not intended
to be scary.
110
00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:50,517
It's kind of like interactive,
modern version of "Macbeth."
111
00:03:50,517 --> 00:03:51,965
Ooh!
Shakespeare.
112
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,034
I loveShakespeare,
all his stuff.
113
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,344
Mm.
114
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:58,206
God, Shakespeare
was fucking cool,
115
00:03:58,206 --> 00:04:00,793
'cause he was
bisexual as hell, dawg.Mm.
116
00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:04,275
Also, you see visible vulva
and penis in this show.
117
00:04:04,275 --> 00:04:05,517
Ah!
118
00:04:05,517 --> 00:04:07,344
This is gonna be
sogood,
119
00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,137
because I want to go
into this new experience
120
00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:10,793
because, like,
I want to be uncomfortable
121
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:11,827
to grow.
122
00:04:11,827 --> 00:04:13,931
Beesh, I hear deesh,
123
00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:16,758
'cause I believe
in us growing together,
124
00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:18,655
no matter what form
that may take.
125
00:04:18,655 --> 00:04:21,172
Me too, dude.
126
00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:24,000
Together forever!
127
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,689
♪♪
128
00:04:25,689 --> 00:04:29,275
[ Hot jazz music playing ]
129
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:30,482
Petticoats, please.
130
00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:31,586
If you could keep these
vertical,
131
00:04:31,586 --> 00:04:32,931
that would be great.
132
00:04:32,931 --> 00:04:34,620
And, hey, is there
a particular
133
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,172
penis-and-vulva
viewing room?
134
00:04:36,172 --> 00:04:38,862
I-I was told there would be
visible vulva.
135
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:41,103
Uh, you know,
this is more of a --
136
00:04:41,103 --> 00:04:44,068
this is honestly more of like
a follow-the-action,
137
00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:45,724
choose-your-own-adventure
type show.
138
00:04:45,724 --> 00:04:47,310
Just follow the rooms.
139
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:48,931
I bet
it's multiple rooms.
140
00:04:48,931 --> 00:04:50,172
Yeah.
141
00:04:51,896 --> 00:04:53,827
It isscary, see?
142
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,931
20 people
on one elevator, yes.
143
00:04:55,931 --> 00:04:57,275
Actually terrifying.
144
00:04:57,275 --> 00:04:58,482
[ Elevator bell dings ]
145
00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,827
[ Exhales ] Okay.
146
00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:07,034
♪♪
147
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:09,827
Things aren't always
as they seem here.
148
00:05:09,827 --> 00:05:11,655
Trust no one.
149
00:05:11,655 --> 00:05:14,655
♪♪
150
00:05:14,655 --> 00:05:16,379
[ Exhales deeply ]
I trust you.
151
00:05:16,379 --> 00:05:17,379
I was right there.
152
00:05:17,379 --> 00:05:18,482
Me?
153
00:05:18,482 --> 00:05:20,413
No, not you.
God!
154
00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:23,137
Jesus.
You -- I trust you.
155
00:05:23,137 --> 00:05:24,724
Me?
Oh, my God!
156
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,068
No! What?!
157
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:27,241
Are you bothering
this girl?
158
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,344
Ilana?
159
00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:31,034
Okay. God, let's go.
Come on.
160
00:05:31,034 --> 00:05:32,137
[ Exhales sharply ]
161
00:05:32,137 --> 00:05:33,689
Oh, cute.
162
00:05:33,689 --> 00:05:35,827
Oh, my God.
163
00:05:35,827 --> 00:05:37,172
Okay, I can't look.
164
00:05:37,172 --> 00:05:39,068
What do you think's
gonna happen to her?
165
00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:40,931
Ab, if this is too scary
for you, we can go.
166
00:05:40,931 --> 00:05:42,551
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
167
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,241
Yeah, it's just
kind of scary not knowing,
168
00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:46,034
like, what's gonna
happen next.[ Thud ]
169
00:05:46,034 --> 00:05:47,379
[ Laughs nervously ]
170
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:50,379
We gotta do new stuff
and expand.
171
00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:51,931
It's the best part
of life!
172
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:54,586
Even if we are scared and
terrified, we gotta do it --
173
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,551
like, new parts of the world,
new ideas,
174
00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:58,551
new -- new parts
of the -- the country.
175
00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,068
Ooh, like Queens.Yeah, yeah.
176
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,068
Or, like, further wherever,
you know?
177
00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:03,413
Like, I'm in, dude.
178
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,896
Girl, I love inner.
Go in. Go deep.
179
00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:08,551
And, you know, when your
best friend is by your side,
180
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,034
there's nothing
to fear.
181
00:06:10,034 --> 00:06:12,896
[ Fart ][ Laughs ]
182
00:06:12,896 --> 00:06:13,965
Oh, man.
183
00:06:13,965 --> 00:06:15,827
[ Breathing heavily ]
184
00:06:15,827 --> 00:06:17,827
[ Sniffs ]
Ew, do you smell that?
185
00:06:17,827 --> 00:06:20,586
Yeah, someone must have
crop-dusted us all, huh?
186
00:06:20,586 --> 00:06:22,310
Brilliant
theatrical choice!
187
00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:24,517
It was me.
[ Chuckles ]
188
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:25,586
Wait.
189
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,310
♪♪
190
00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:29,965
Oh, my God.
Shitfuck.
191
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,620
Nurses are
never good.
192
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,241
Although I do love the long-lost
art of letter-writing.
193
00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,379
I'm just like, "Where are
the chills and/or thrills?"
194
00:06:36,379 --> 00:06:38,137
You know, I want to be
either really scared
195
00:06:38,137 --> 00:06:40,241
or really horny.Are you kidding me?
196
00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,931
This is the creepiest
fucking thing I've ever seen.
197
00:06:41,931 --> 00:06:43,620
Oh, my God![ Man groaning ]
198
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,448
I don't want to go on!
199
00:06:47,068 --> 00:06:48,931
Yeah, it's working.
200
00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,379
It's working.
201
00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:55,068
Gorgeous cursive.
202
00:06:55,068 --> 00:06:58,379
Yes! Candy!
Okay, jackpot.
203
00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:00,137
Oh, my God.
204
00:07:00,137 --> 00:07:01,896
Except...
205
00:07:01,896 --> 00:07:04,137
I know what's going on.
This is like --
206
00:07:04,137 --> 00:07:06,172
What if this is like
a little sweet spot
207
00:07:06,172 --> 00:07:07,724
so they --
you let your guard down
208
00:07:07,724 --> 00:07:09,172
'cause you're, like,
surrounded by candy,
209
00:07:09,172 --> 00:07:10,862
and then this is where
they really hit you
210
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,482
with, like, the terrifying,
like, terrible stuff.
211
00:07:13,482 --> 00:07:14,689
Chill out.
212
00:07:14,689 --> 00:07:16,034
Nothing terrible's
gonna happen.
213
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:17,137
I mean, you don't
know that, but --
214
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,965
In fact...
215
00:07:18,965 --> 00:07:21,793
I know how to make
a sweet memory even sweeter.
216
00:07:21,793 --> 00:07:23,379
[ Chuckles ] Okay.
217
00:07:23,379 --> 00:07:27,000
Abbi,
you are the best thing
218
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,517
that's ever
come into my life,
219
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:29,896
and I know I'm taking
a big swing here,
220
00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,551
but I'm just gonna
go for it.
221
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,965
So, as I look for a roommate
to replace Jaimé,
222
00:07:33,965 --> 00:07:35,344
I'm thinking, like,
223
00:07:35,344 --> 00:07:37,103
"Abbi and I spend
a lot of time together.
224
00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:39,379
We get along."
[ Laughs ]
225
00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:42,344
Why not spend more time
together?
226
00:07:42,344 --> 00:07:44,965
I'm talking covering each
other's rent once in a while.
227
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,793
I'm talking knowing what
each other's orgasms sound like
228
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,827
instead of merely
fantasizing about it.
229
00:07:49,827 --> 00:07:50,862
[ Chuckles ]
230
00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:54,448
Abbi Gary Anna Abrams...
231
00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:57,000
[ Smooching ]
232
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,793
...will you be
my roommate?
233
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:01,000
[ Chuckles nervously ]
234
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,275
[ Sighs ]
235
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,689
Uh, I...
236
00:08:05,689 --> 00:08:07,068
You know what?
[ Clears throat ]
237
00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:08,724
Don't even worry about it.
Never happened.
238
00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,448
[ Chuckles ]
I-I get it.
239
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,275
I acknowledged
the swing-size,
240
00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:14,344
and I even secured
a backup offer.
241
00:08:14,344 --> 00:08:16,862
She's very fucking cool,
so it's -- it's chill.
242
00:08:16,862 --> 00:08:18,068
It's -- It's chill.
I really...
243
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:19,413
It's cool.
244
00:08:19,413 --> 00:08:21,034
No. No, no, no --
Wait, wait, wait.
245
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,413
Dude, not -- It's...
246
00:08:22,413 --> 00:08:23,551
[ Inhales deeply ]
247
00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:25,172
Fuck. Okay.
248
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,586
You're scaring me.
249
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:30,551
I-I didn't want to tell you
when we were in here.
250
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,724
All right,
all right.
251
00:08:31,724 --> 00:08:33,517
I-I was going
to tell you today.
252
00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:36,413
Um, I got accepted
253
00:08:36,413 --> 00:08:39,758
to an artists'
residency program
254
00:08:39,758 --> 00:08:44,034
in Boulder...
255
00:08:44,034 --> 00:08:47,241
Colorado.
256
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:50,241
And I'm gonna go.
257
00:08:51,724 --> 00:08:55,172
I was, um,
gonna sell my shit
258
00:08:55,172 --> 00:09:01,137
and use this
as an opportunity to move.
259
00:09:01,137 --> 00:09:03,862
[ Breathing heavily ]
260
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:07,137
What...
Ilana!
261
00:09:07,137 --> 00:09:08,758
...the fuck...Dude? Ilana?
262
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,517
...are you
talking about?! Ow!
263
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:11,931
Ilana, um...
264
00:09:11,931 --> 00:09:14,724
We need to get you
into therapy today.
265
00:09:14,724 --> 00:09:17,000
This is an emergency,
okay?!
266
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,344
This is an emergency!
267
00:09:18,344 --> 00:09:19,896
Okay, fun fact-o,
Ilana --
268
00:09:19,896 --> 00:09:23,068
Did you know that
you could fly to Boulder
269
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,862
on a connecting flight
through O'Hare
270
00:09:24,862 --> 00:09:27,689
with a layover
in Pittsburgh for $42?
271
00:09:27,689 --> 00:09:30,482
I mean --I had never looked up
how to fly to "Boulder."
272
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:31,724
Ew!
273
00:09:31,724 --> 00:09:33,034
All right, all right.O'Hare?!
274
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,689
Let's just --I don't know
what that is!
275
00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:35,724
Is that Gaelic?!
276
00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:36,862
This is a little --
277
00:09:36,862 --> 00:09:38,206
Google,
what is Boulder?!
278
00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,482
[ Man moans ]Jesus!
279
00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:41,000
-No!
-God.
280
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,551
You didn't even tell me
you were applying.
281
00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,310
Do you not consider me someone
to talk shit through with?
282
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:45,862
Are we not partners
in that way?
283
00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:48,206
Of course I do, Ilana.
284
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:50,724
You're my only friend.
285
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,310
Well, I guess you've been
stuck with me for awhile,
286
00:09:55,310 --> 00:09:56,689
but not anymore.[ Broken glass crunches ]
287
00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:59,241
No, dude, no.
I-I don'tfeel that way.
288
00:09:59,241 --> 00:10:01,172
Ilana, wait.
Just wait.
289
00:10:01,172 --> 00:10:03,689
[ Organ music playing ]
290
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,379
Oh, my goodness.
291
00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,137
Ilana?
[ Chuckles ]
292
00:10:10,137 --> 00:10:11,896
Yeah. Vulva.
293
00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:14,000
You have ruined
the best part
294
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,206
of this interactive production
for me.
295
00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:16,310
Not now.
296
00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,724
I'm sorry, dude.
I-I'm sorry.
297
00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:22,034
I feel really stuck in my life
right now, okay?
298
00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,241
Nope. Nothing.
299
00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:24,689
I need a change.
300
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,724
This is just like
you with grad school.
301
00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,034
I mean, you were settling
into a track
302
00:10:29,034 --> 00:10:31,000
and figuring out
your career.
303
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,862
Yeah, but I picked
a school in New York.
304
00:10:32,862 --> 00:10:36,034
I factored you in.
I alwaysfactor you in.
305
00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:38,000
Otherwise, I would've talked
to you about it.
306
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,310
I know.
I-I know.
307
00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:41,655
I-I'm sorry.
308
00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,586
Well, does -- does
anybody else know?
309
00:10:44,586 --> 00:10:48,482
I mean, I just talked to my mom
and -- and your mom.
310
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,517
You told my mom?!
311
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,206
That is
soviolating to me.
312
00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:53,482
Ugh!
313
00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:57,344
I'm sorry.
Just hold on a second.
314
00:10:57,344 --> 00:10:59,068
Ilana?
315
00:10:59,068 --> 00:11:01,620
[ Eerie music playing ]
316
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,965
♪♪
317
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:09,206
[ Sighs ]
What a bitch.
318
00:11:09,206 --> 00:11:12,379
[ Slurps ]
319
00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:15,275
Ilana, come on.
320
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:19,965
I...can...not believe...
321
00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:22,793
that you would
not tell me this shit
322
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:24,793
if there was even
a chance of you going.
323
00:11:24,793 --> 00:11:26,068
Dude, I was scared.
324
00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:28,655
I-I mean,
I'm still scared.
325
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,655
Do you think that
I want to leave you?
326
00:11:30,655 --> 00:11:33,275
[ Scoffs ] No, I almost wish
I didn't even get in
327
00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:34,724
so I wouldn't even
have to do this.
328
00:11:34,724 --> 00:11:35,827
Ha ha ha.
329
00:11:35,827 --> 00:11:37,034
Like you're not
gonna get in
330
00:11:37,034 --> 00:11:38,931
to some art program
you apply to.
331
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:41,862
You are the best artist
in the world
332
00:11:41,862 --> 00:11:43,379
of all time!
333
00:11:43,379 --> 00:11:45,103
No, I'm not.
334
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:47,103
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not.
335
00:11:47,103 --> 00:11:49,724
I need to go out
and do this thing
336
00:11:49,724 --> 00:11:52,034
and -- and have an audience
that's more than just you
337
00:11:52,034 --> 00:11:55,000
and -- and my parents.
338
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,793
This is the first opportunity
I have had
339
00:11:56,793 --> 00:12:00,551
to finally
live and breathe art
340
00:12:00,551 --> 00:12:02,517
rather than
breathing in,
341
00:12:02,517 --> 00:12:05,137
like, leftover
prosciutto-wrapped dates
342
00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:07,620
that I stole
from my catering gig.
343
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:09,310
They're so good,
though.
344
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,827
Yeah, I know. That's why
I continually take them,
345
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,827
but, I mean,
then rats come,
346
00:12:13,827 --> 00:12:15,862
and I just, like, haven't
figured out how to --
347
00:12:15,862 --> 00:12:17,172
It wouldn't be an issue
348
00:12:17,172 --> 00:12:18,965
and you wouldn't
have to leave New York
349
00:12:18,965 --> 00:12:20,655
if you just flushed them
down the toilet
350
00:12:20,655 --> 00:12:22,034
or wrapped them
in tinfoil
351
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,793
and then put them
in a five-gallon Ziploc.
352
00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:25,862
It's not about me not knowing
how to flush them.
353
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,172
It's not about that.
354
00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:28,862
I mean, it is a teeny bit
about, like,
355
00:12:28,862 --> 00:12:30,896
the methodical
strategies
356
00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,034
in which
we have to avoid rats.
357
00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:34,896
For the past
eight years,
358
00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:39,310
I have cleaned out
hundreds of people's pubes
359
00:12:39,310 --> 00:12:40,862
out of toilet bowls.
360
00:12:40,862 --> 00:12:46,000
So many strangers --
so many --
361
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,482
have thrown up on me.
362
00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,827
You do get thrown up on
an exorbitant amount.
363
00:12:50,827 --> 00:12:52,793
Yeah.
364
00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:57,344
Dude,
I am 30 years old.
365
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,034
I'm done
with New York.
366
00:12:59,034 --> 00:13:01,931
[ Exhales deeply ]
Yeah.
367
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,793
I get it.
368
00:13:03,793 --> 00:13:05,827
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
369
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,068
I'm really --
I'm gross.
370
00:13:08,068 --> 00:13:10,724
I made this all about me,
and it's not about me.
371
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,965
But I thought
you would've told me,
372
00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:15,068
but, you know,
I just need time.
373
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:17,034
I need time
to process this, I --
374
00:13:17,034 --> 00:13:19,689
process the thought
of you leaving.
375
00:13:19,689 --> 00:13:22,137
Once I have that
for a few months,
376
00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:24,068
[sighs] you know, whatever --
see my therapist,
377
00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,758
double up
for a little while,
378
00:13:25,758 --> 00:13:27,896
and -- and push it through
a little bit.
379
00:13:27,896 --> 00:13:30,206
Just a little time,
and it'll be okay.
380
00:13:30,206 --> 00:13:33,517
I'll be there to support you,
I promise.
381
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,241
So, speaking of --
382
00:13:37,241 --> 00:13:39,551
Sorry.Speaking of time...
383
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,000
Speaking of --
Uh, speaking of time...
384
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,413
[ Breathes shakily ]
385
00:13:44,413 --> 00:13:45,793
[ Clears throat ]
386
00:13:45,793 --> 00:13:51,275
So, the -- the program
starts in two weeks.
387
00:13:51,275 --> 00:13:53,758
[ Ominous music playing ]
388
00:13:53,758 --> 00:13:58,275
♪♪
389
00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:01,413
What...are...you
talking about?!
390
00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:02,586
[ Clattering ]Don't leave!
391
00:14:02,586 --> 00:14:03,758
Oh, my God.
Stop doing this.
392
00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,620
We've had years together,
bitch!
393
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:07,689
You crazy fucking bitch!Holy shit.
394
00:14:07,689 --> 00:14:08,931
What are you
talking about?!
395
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,413
Ilana, stop.
Ilana?
396
00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:11,413
[ Screams ]
397
00:14:11,413 --> 00:14:12,517
[ Crowd gasps ]
398
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:16,172
[ Rustling, applause ]
399
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,965
[ Swing music playing ]
400
00:14:20,965 --> 00:14:23,689
So, uh, what do you
want to do now?
401
00:14:23,689 --> 00:14:25,724
I think we should
just go home.
402
00:14:25,724 --> 00:14:28,724
Come on, Ilana.
We can't end today like this.
403
00:14:28,724 --> 00:14:30,275
It's still early.
404
00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:34,275
[ Sighs deeply ]
405
00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:35,931
[ Indistinct conversations ]
406
00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:37,655
[ Exhales sharply ]
Thank you.
407
00:14:37,655 --> 00:14:39,379
Wow.
Oh, my God.
408
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,517
I need something
in my stomach so bad.
409
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,724
Mmm!
410
00:14:48,034 --> 00:14:50,724
Are you not --
you're not into it?
411
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,724
I'm just not
that hungry.
412
00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:55,413
Ilana...
413
00:14:55,413 --> 00:14:56,724
you are
the best friend
414
00:14:56,724 --> 00:14:59,896
I have ever had
in my whole life.
415
00:14:59,896 --> 00:15:03,275
And I know that
everybody is leaving.
416
00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,724
I'm sorry. I know that
this is, like,
417
00:15:05,724 --> 00:15:07,931
the worst timing.
418
00:15:07,931 --> 00:15:11,965
I just -- Dude, I...
419
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,586
I need to, like,
change my life.
420
00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:18,241
I could do this in New York
with you forever.
421
00:15:18,241 --> 00:15:20,344
Exactly.
422
00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:24,655
I don't want to.
423
00:15:24,655 --> 00:15:26,000
Not because of you --
424
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,689
not because I don't want
to do this with you.
425
00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:30,275
It's just,
I'm gonna be illustrating
426
00:15:30,275 --> 00:15:31,793
all day, every day.
427
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:35,000
Like, all the time,
I'm gonna be immersed in it.
428
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,103
I needyou to be with me
for this next journey, dude.
429
00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,793
I -- Like, I need that.
430
00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,862
You ruined
"Sleep No More" for me.
431
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,137
I didn't even get to get off
during the orgy scene.
432
00:15:49,137 --> 00:15:52,275
Get off?
In the -- In the room?
433
00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:55,793
People do.
It's really dark.
434
00:15:55,793 --> 00:16:00,965
You know, Ab, I've always
looked up to you,
435
00:16:00,965 --> 00:16:03,206
and I've always
admired you
436
00:16:03,206 --> 00:16:06,172
for being a deep
and mysterious queen,
437
00:16:06,172 --> 00:16:09,482
but I'm gonna be...
438
00:16:09,482 --> 00:16:11,517
right there with you.
439
00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:15,241
I'm gonna
watch you and...
440
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,379
let you fly,
or whatever.
441
00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:24,413
I know that this residency
is gonna be a good experi--
442
00:16:24,413 --> 00:16:25,965
[ Gags ] Ew.
443
00:16:25,965 --> 00:16:27,310
[ Coughs ]
444
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:29,551
Mm. Wow. Sorry.You all right?
445
00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:33,137
What I mean to say is
that I know
446
00:16:33,137 --> 00:16:36,206
that this experience
is necessary
447
00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:37,379
for your
[gagging] growth.
448
00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:39,310
Ew.
449
00:16:39,310 --> 00:16:43,206
[ Coughing ]
450
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,241
Okay.
451
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:45,379
Sorry. Sorry.
452
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,413
You all right?
Okay.
453
00:16:48,344 --> 00:16:49,413
I'm really proud
of you.
454
00:16:49,413 --> 00:16:52,241
[ Breathing deeply ]
455
00:16:52,241 --> 00:16:54,034
Thank you so much,
dude.
456
00:16:54,034 --> 00:16:56,310
That means the world to me,
really.
457
00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:58,482
Listen, Ilana,
you're gonna become,
458
00:16:58,482 --> 00:17:01,103
like, this badass therapist
who teaches people to grow
459
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,103
the way
you helped me grow.
460
00:17:03,103 --> 00:17:05,241
I mean, you're gonna teach them
how to feel their feelings
461
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,620
and how to do sex
the right way.
462
00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:10,379
There's no right way.See?
463
00:17:10,379 --> 00:17:12,068
This is what
I'm talking about.
464
00:17:12,068 --> 00:17:14,137
Can I ask
one thing of you?
465
00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:16,793
Anything, dude.
Whatever.
466
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,793
I want more
of your hair.
467
00:17:21,724 --> 00:17:23,724
I want a long-ass tail
for sniffing.
468
00:17:23,724 --> 00:17:26,310
Uh...
469
00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:27,586
[ Scissors slice ]
470
00:17:29,034 --> 00:17:30,448
I-I shape
my phone wigs
471
00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:32,586
when the train gets stuck
between stations.
472
00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:34,517
Um, so...
473
00:17:34,517 --> 00:17:37,137
Okay.
Sure.
474
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:39,931
I-I-I would love to.
475
00:17:39,931 --> 00:17:41,448
Ab.
476
00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:43,689
I'm not talking
about shavings.
477
00:17:43,689 --> 00:17:45,068
The root.
478
00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:48,275
You should feel metal
on your scalp skin.
479
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,896
Okay.
480
00:17:49,896 --> 00:17:51,413
[ Inhales sharply ][ Scissors snip ]
481
00:17:57,448 --> 00:17:59,000
Thank you.
482
00:18:01,034 --> 00:18:02,586
Okay.
483
00:18:02,586 --> 00:18:04,965
[ Sniffs ]
484
00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:07,344
[ Sighs ]
485
00:18:07,344 --> 00:18:10,965
Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know
when the sun's gonna set,
486
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,862
but maybe we can, like,
walk a little bit down --
487
00:18:12,862 --> 00:18:14,827
Okay.
488
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:15,965
Talk soon.
489
00:18:15,965 --> 00:18:17,724
Okay, handshake.
490
00:18:21,862 --> 00:18:25,965
♪♪
491
00:18:25,965 --> 00:18:29,655
Yeah, so, you can move in
straight up tomorrow.
492
00:18:29,655 --> 00:18:33,448
Yes! Amazing!
Thank you!
493
00:18:33,448 --> 00:18:35,965
And I'm sorry about that
backup-offer shit before.
494
00:18:35,965 --> 00:18:37,965
I promise I will be
a normal roommate.
495
00:18:37,965 --> 00:18:40,551
Oh, I-I forgot to tell you
one small thing --
496
00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:45,206
Well, actually,
two really big things.
497
00:18:45,206 --> 00:18:47,103
I have two Great Danes.
498
00:18:47,103 --> 00:18:48,931
Is that cool?
499
00:18:48,931 --> 00:18:50,862
Yeah.
500
00:18:50,862 --> 00:18:52,965
Yes! I'm so glad
you love dogs.
501
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,000
Later.
502
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,379
[ Cellphone chirps ]
503
00:18:55,379 --> 00:18:58,379
Okay.
504
00:18:58,379 --> 00:19:00,931
[ Exhales deeply ]
505
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,896
[ Vacuum cleaner whirs ]
506
00:19:02,896 --> 00:19:08,620
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
507
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:14,068
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
508
00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:20,068
♪ I felt anxious when I came,
and things were never the same ♪
509
00:19:20,068 --> 00:19:24,103
♪ I felt anxious when I came ♪
510
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:29,241
Oh, my God.
Lookit, they love you!
511
00:19:29,241 --> 00:19:30,862
Mm.[ Dogs barking ]
512
00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,103
Okay, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, let's go,
come on, come on.
513
00:19:33,103 --> 00:19:34,448
Come with Mama.
514
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,586
Come on, let's go.
515
00:19:35,586 --> 00:19:37,689
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
516
00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,931
Ugh.
517
00:19:40,931 --> 00:19:42,068
[ Cellphone beeping ]
518
00:19:42,068 --> 00:19:43,758
[ Breathes deeply ]
What?
519
00:19:43,758 --> 00:19:45,758
Okay, um, Ilana,
please don't hang up.
520
00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,620
I-I know you
need space right now,
521
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,103
and -- and I really want
to respect that,
522
00:19:49,103 --> 00:19:51,931
but you
have asked me this...
523
00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:55,862
hundreds of times, literally,
since the moment I met you,
524
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,689
and it looks like
today is the day.
525
00:20:03,241 --> 00:20:05,068
I'm gonna show you
my poop.
526
00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,551
[ Chuckles ]
527
00:20:06,551 --> 00:20:08,620
Oh, my God.
528
00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:10,068
This means
so much to me.
529
00:20:10,068 --> 00:20:12,620
Okay.
530
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:15,137
Here we go.
531
00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:16,241
[ Gasps ]
532
00:20:16,241 --> 00:20:19,344
[ Laughs crazily ]
533
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,793
Fuck!
534
00:20:20,793 --> 00:20:23,275
Queen! You mustbe
an Ashkenazi Jew
535
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,862
'cause you are
lactose in-toler-ant!
536
00:20:25,862 --> 00:20:27,413
Right? No way could that
have been
537
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:29,000
all in your stomach
at one time!
538
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,275
It was definitely
exiting your esophagus
539
00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:33,103
as it was entering
your small intestine.
540
00:20:33,103 --> 00:20:34,482
Whoo!I do feel lighter.
541
00:20:34,482 --> 00:20:36,931
Hoo! Thank you.
Wow.
542
00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,862
[ Exhales deeply ] Ilana,
I needed that to work, dude.
543
00:20:39,862 --> 00:20:42,310
I am so sorry,
and I knew
544
00:20:42,310 --> 00:20:45,586
that showing you my poop
would cheer you up.
545
00:20:45,586 --> 00:20:47,413
♪ My poop ♪
546
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,827
♪ My poop, my poop ♪
547
00:20:49,827 --> 00:20:51,620
♪ My [deep voice] poop ♪
548
00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:53,172
You sound good.[ Normal voice ] Thanks.
549
00:20:53,172 --> 00:20:55,482
I-I did it a few times
before I called you.
550
00:20:55,482 --> 00:20:58,241
You know, I-I guess
this distance thing
551
00:20:58,241 --> 00:21:00,344
could make us closer
in some ways.
552
00:21:00,344 --> 00:21:01,965
Thank you
for saying that.
553
00:21:01,965 --> 00:21:04,137
Ab.
554
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,620
Can I see it
one more time?
555
00:21:05,620 --> 00:21:07,137
Okay, one more time.
556
00:21:07,137 --> 00:21:08,586
And then
I really have to flush,
557
00:21:08,586 --> 00:21:10,827
'cause I, like, can't breathe
in here anymore.
558
00:21:10,827 --> 00:21:12,965
[ Clears throat ]Oh, Jesus.
559
00:21:12,965 --> 00:21:14,379
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Dude, no!
560
00:21:14,379 --> 00:21:15,689
Ilana, no screenshots.
561
00:21:15,689 --> 00:21:17,482
Delete that.
That's not fair.
562
00:21:17,482 --> 00:21:18,586
Yamaneika! Come here![ Dog barks ]
563
00:21:25,413 --> 00:21:28,103
Ilana, I need to talk to you
about something.
564
00:21:28,103 --> 00:21:30,862
I got accepted into
an artists' residency program
565
00:21:30,862 --> 00:21:35,172
in Boulder, Colorado.
566
00:21:35,172 --> 00:21:38,413
Ilana, say something!
For crying out loud, dude!
567
00:21:38,413 --> 00:21:39,482
Talk to me!
568
00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:44,082
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