All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e16 Insta-Friends.eng

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Katie: Why do I let Greg
drag me to these stupid

Westport Historical Guild
things?

I haven't seen this many dorks

since my high school's
Model UN conference.

Everyone's lucky I'm not
busting in with my posse

and water balloons full
of pudding this time.

Being an adult blows.

My favorite historic site on
the Connecticut registry

is definitely the Walker House,

built by
Major Ebenezer Dooley --

Captain Ebenezer Dooley.

The house was built
in 1795.

Ebenezer was yet
to be promoted.

Nice catch.

Ah, yes, Ebenezer Dooley.

Remembered for his amazing
legacy of leaving parties early.

Let's honor him by getting
the hell out of here.

Wait, Katie,
I want you to meet Dane.

He's one of our Guild's
new members.

Nice to meet you, Katie.

Are you a history buff as well?

The buffest.

Greg, you said this mixer
was from 7:00 to 9:00.

It's 9:03, better shut this down
before tempers start to flare.

Whose temper's gonna flare?

Hey, numbnuts,
what you looking at?

Okay. We should go.

I should head out as well.

I need to adjust my humidor.

Oh, you're into cigars?

Oh, God, no.

[ Laughs ]

My humidor is filled with
historical pantaloons

from the Revolutionary War.
[ Chuckles ]

Gotta keep 'em damp.
Oh, that's true.

Dane, is your wife into
pantaloons as well?

Oh, I'm not married.

[ Whispering ] I know.

Nice to meet you, Katie.

And, Greg, let me know
about tomorrow night.

[ Sighs ]
Tomorrow night?

There's not another mixer,
right?

No, he wants to hang out.

He wants to hang out
with you?

Even with that haircut?

It actually sounds
like a fun night,

but inviting me over
to hang out?

Who does that?
That's what adults do

when they want to
make friends.

I don't need friends,
I have you.

True, but it puts a lot of
pressure on me

to be your everything --
Your wife, your friend,

your co-parent,
your person who looks away

when you put lotion on
your elbows like this.

I guess I could
give Dane a shot.

It'd be nice to come
to one of these things

and not have you
yell "BO-RING"

every time someone
brings up history.

I don't do that every time.

Sometimes I pretend that
I'm hard of hearing.

Yeah, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

Hm?

♪♪

Look at this.
Cooper, on a yacht.

He said he couldn't
hang out with me

because he was gonna be
with his parents all weekend.

Cooper's parents
were actually in town?

That's what he said.

But look at this...

I went to Facebook...

[ Scoffs ] Old people Internet.

...and his parents posted
a picture of them

on a different yacht in
a totally different ocean.

He just didn't want to invite me
to his yacht party, so he lied.

[ Scoffs ]
It was only a matter of time

before Cooper got tired of his
poor friend mooching off of him.

You really think
that's true?

That's what happened with me
and the Blondetourage.

As soon as they realized

I wasn't a privileged princess
like them,

they dropped me
like a hot tomato.

It's, "drop you like
a hot potato."

No, it's not.

Why would you ever
drop a hot potato?

Hot potatoes are French fries.

They're delicious.
Oh, my God.

Why don't you just ask Cooper
about the picture?

That's not how you handle things
in high school.

You need to hurt Cooper
like he hurt you.

You need to get Insta-revenge.

Huh.

Good call.
Take the dumb one's advice.

Hey!
I wasn't talking about you.

Oh, okay.

♪♪

Okay, I'll see you later.

Have fun at Dane's!

Ahh, a night without Greg.

I'm going to do
whatever I want.

The first thing is getting
a babysitter for Anna-Kat.

♪♪

Next I'm going to run
a half-full dishwasher.

[ Beeps ]
Greg says it's a waste of water, blah blah.

And I'm going to watch as many
"Fast and Furious" movies

as I want without Greg
always complaining

about how no one wears
seatbelts.

[ Tires screeching ]

Hey!

Hey, honey!

How did it go with Dane?

Ah, we had so much fun.

He has an Eyecom 6000
microfiche reader.

We looked at local
proposed amendments

from the 1920s
for hours. Mm.

Sometimes the city council
would tackle public schools

and zoning
in the same meeting.

Roaring '20s, indeed.

Wow.
[ Laughs ]

That sounds...wow.

It was wow.

I think I have a new friend.

That's great,
sweetheart. I know.

So the Guild's "Party Like
It's 1799" shindig is coming up,

and you have to be fitted
for your bonnet.

Hey, why don't you go with your
new pal Dane instead of me?

Sure. That would work.

[ Sighs deeply ]

I'm sorry.

Did I say the wrong thing?
Was that a test?

No, it's just that I am so happy
that I don't have to go.

♪♪

This is all ready.

If I am not home,
then somebody needs to put it

in the oven at 5:00.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Since when do you like mom so much?

Yeah, what the hell, Oliver?

I told you --
I don't have a will.

He's taking pictures
to post on social media

to get back at Cooper
for blowing him off.

Yeah. What's the one thing
Cooper wants most

but can't have?

Mom.

For some reason, he loves
the way she yells at him

and that all of her recipes
are basically meat

plus supermarket
seasoning packets.

You guys drive yourselves crazy
with this social media.

When I was in high school, if
you had a problem with someone

you challenged them
to a fight,

and you wore
your biggest rings

and you sucker-punched them
right before it started.

Okay, have a great day
at school.

Dane has been to
so many battle sites.

Look at this picture from his
trip to the Battle of Yorktown.

Hashtag Battle of Forktown.

[ Laughing ]
Because he's eating lunch.

This guy is too much!

[ Laughs ] He's a riot.

Listen, tonight
let's pajama-up

and finally finish that puzzle
that's all candy bars.

Oh, I can't, I have plans.

[ Scoffs ] You're Greg.

You don't have plans.

Oh, Dane invited me to climb
Sheffield Lighthouse

after work and I said yes.

Wow, you and Dane are really
getting serious.

You think?

We can finish the puzzle
another night.

Is that okay?
Sure.

Go enjoy a night out
with your new friend.

Is Greg blowing me off?

Luthor, has he said
anything to you?

I see.

Bros before hoes.

...and then on Sunday,
Greg and Dane did

the "Benjamin Franklin
ate here!" tour.

Ugh, that sounds terrible.

It's just a lot of time for Greg
to be spending with one friend.

I get to be upset
about this, right?

No. You and Greg spend
way too much time together.

Richard and I see each other
four times a month.

Twice to get my allowance,
and two bone days.

[ Scoffs ] Look, Greg
having a friend

means less pressure on you.

Now when you don't want to do
something with Greg,

you don't have to feel guilty
because he has Dane.

Mm!
And since he has plans,

you can finally come
to Girls' Night Out.

Yes.
Oh, yes!

I'm never free
for Girls' Night Out.

Let's do this.
[ Laughs ]

So Girls' Night Out is just

doing the same thing,
but at night?

And with wine.

♪♪

Hey.
What do you want?

Your mom made meatloaf.

I always come over
for meatloaf.

You forgot to text me, but no
big -- saw it on Instagram.

I didn't forget.

We don't really invite each
other to things anymore, right?

Huh? No comprende.

Well, maybe you'll
comprende this.

I saw your Insta
from the yacht party.

Oh.

Well, technically the boat
was barely 33 feet,

so it's more of
a cabin cruiser --

No, I get it,
I'm your little charity case,

and you're done bringing me
around to your parties

with your rich friends.
Whoa, amigo,

you're coming in
a little caliente.

You don't have to slum it
around here anymore.

Go back to your mansion.

Well, technically
it's an estate --

♪♪

So, you have a nice night?

The best.

I wish you could have seen
the view from the lighthouse.

Oh, Dane posted some pictures --
I can show you my Instagram.

You're on Instagram?

Dane set it up for me.

My handle's "Gerg Otto."

I wanted to fix it,
but Dane thought it was funny.

[ Laughs ]

What are you laughing at?

Just something Dane said.

Dane.

Whoa.
What is that?

Just a D pic.

Wait, what?
A D pic.

A Dane pic.
It's a pic of Dane.

Oh, you've got to stop
abbreviating things.

You're going to get
into trouble.

Hmm. How was your evening?

So fun.

Not microfiche fun,
but right up there.

So, tomorrow night
I was thinking that --

I'm sorry,
I'm going out with Dane.

Again?

Why am I just now
hearing about this?

You're not.
You said I should go with him

to the "Party Like It's 1799"
shindig, remember?

Oh, right.

You want me to cancel?
No. No, no, no, no.

Go have fun
catching smallpox

and starting every
sentence with "ye."

[ Cellphone chimes ]
[ Laughs ]

Dane used a filter
to make us look like

we're part of Mount Rushmore.

[ Both laughing ]

Fun stuff.

Turn off the phone
and go to sleep, Gerg.

♪♪

Dane. Come on in.

Greg, your friend's here.

Did you know that your house
is built on the spot

where the Pequot Indians
first broke bread

with the white settlers?

Oh, that's boring.
[ Chuckles ]

So, is everyone
dressing up?

Because the cape feels
a little over-the --

Cape bros!
Cape bros!

All right, honey,
we're leaving.

Oh, good. Because I have a lot
of plans tonight, too.

Oh, great,
what are you doing?

A little of this,
a little of that.

A whole lot of
the other thing.

You know how I do.

Super vague, but have fun.

No, Doris, it's okay.

I didn't realize that it
was the 16th already.

I need to put you and Richard's
bone days in my calendar.

Yeah, I already tried Angela.

She is watching videos
of Robin Roberts on YouTube.

I know.

Go bone.
I'll talk to you later.

[ Laughter ]

Am I desperate enough to hang
out with Anna-Kat and Franklin?

Yep!

[ Laughter ]

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

Sounds like you guys
are having a lot of fun.

We're not.

[ Hushed ]
When is she leaving?

Guess I'll just go
downstairs.

'Kay.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Look at this.

Cooper was on a WaveRunner
having fun without me.

Look at this.

Right now your dad
is at a party.

Having fun without me.

I can't stop looking
at my phone.

Now I know what you guys go
through with social media.

Makes you feel like a loser,
doesn't it?

We are losers.
Total losers.

We're garbage,
human garbage.

We should crawl
into a dumpster.

And curl up and die.

Yeah.

Maybe you and I shouldn't be
around each other right now.

Trip!

I didn't know you were over.

I'm so happy to see you.

Wow, Mrs. A.

I haven't been hugged like this
since I told my English teacher

I was dropping his class.

Mom, don't be weird.

So, Dad is out again with
his new best friend Dane.

Whatever.
Who needs Dad? Not me.

I have you guys.
What are you doing?

I have to observe the meteor
shower for homework,

and Trip said he'd
keep me company.

I'm in.
I didn't invite you.

Well, I didn't mean to have you,
so now we're even.

♪♪

Oh, wait. Meteor shower.

Better grab an umbrella.

Always thinking.

You shall not destroy me!

Show me what you got!

[ Laughing ]

What are you guys doing?

Mom already tried to
crash our playdate.

Find your own friend.

I don't have a friend.

Yes, you do.
Go talk to Cooper.

What happened to Cooper --
Cooper the Pooper.

[ Laughs ] Genius.

He lied to me about his plans

so he could go to a yacht party
without me last weekend.

That's not last weekend.

What are you
talking about?

Look -- Those are Fourth
of July napkins.

How did you even
notice that?

I love themed napkins.
He really does.

It makes Christmas shopping
a breeze.

It is the Fourth of July.

Why would Cooper lie to me
and post an old photo?

Go talk to him and find out.

I think I will.

Thanks, Franklin.

[ Door closes ]
[ Sighs ]

What?
It's not you.

It's just when a woman
has an idea, he ignores it,

but when a man says the same
thing, he's suddenly all ears.

I wish I was all ears.

[ Sighs ] Stupid nose.

♪♪

Sorry we haven't seen
anything yet.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I could stay out here
all night with you.

I've got Bugles.
I've got Combos.

I've got Chicken In A Biskit.

Ooh, Chicken In A Biskit!

Mom, you really don't
need to be here.

Look! There's a meteor!

Wow!
No, wait. That's a plane.

A shooting star!
Wow!

Nope! Another plane.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Is that Doris or Angela?
[ Sighs ]

It's probably an emergency.

No time to take it, just go.

Dane just put up
more photos

of him and your dad
at the 1799 party.

They're assembling muskets,

cobbling shoes,
and churning butter together.

That stuff's so cool.

Your generation was so lucky
you got to do all that.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Look at how your dad
is smiling at Dane.

Look at how much fun
they're having.

He should be having fun
with me.

You need to go down there
and show him

you are way more fun
than Dane.

You think I should?
Absolutely.

You need to let Dane know
he's the third wheel.

You know, somebody who wants
to hang out with a couple

when the couple really
wants to be left alone.

I can take a hint.

No, no, no! Not you!

♪♪

[ Chair scraping ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, Katie.
What are you doing here? [ Inhales sharply ]

I am reliving the past
with an eye towards the future.

Oh, my God.
Katie, thank you

for paying attention
to the Guild's mission.

Of course. I listen.

Where's Dane?

He's at the mead pong table.

[ Cheering ]

He's dominating.
No one can beat him.

He's so cool.

You think dominating
beer pong is cool?

Great.

I will be back.

I'm from Florida.

They teach beer pong in school
as an elective.

Hmm.

Hey.

[ Cheering ]

[ Spectators murmur ]

Hey, Katie, you made it.
Great!

We'll see how great you think
it is once your reign is over.

[ Spectators murmur ]

Ye on.

[ Cheering ]

I'm dominating.

[ Cheering ]

[ All chanting "drink" ]

Suck a musket, Dane.

[ Cheering ]
Yeah! Whoo!

[ Katie laughs ]

[ Gasps ]

Drink, drink, drink!

[ All chanting "drink" ]

Drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink!

[ Mug thuds ]

♪♪

[ Plops ]

Yeah! In your face!

C'mon, everybody --

Dane sucks! Dane sucks!

Dane sucks! Dane sucks!

Dane sucks! Dane sucks!
Dane sucks! Dane sucks!

Dane sucks! Dane sucks!
Dane sucks! Dane --

Katie, could I speak to you
by the stocks, please? Dane sucks! [ Laughs ]

Yeah.

How is this fun for you?

It's not. My cellphone rang
during a re-enactment.

It was the third time.

I hate nerds so much.

What was that all about?

I don't want you doing all this
stuff with Dane every night.

You encouraged me
to be friends with him.

Well, that was stupid.

And it takes up too much
of your time.

You're jealous.

That's amazing.

I should have gotten
a new friend years ago.

I just...miss you.

I wanted you to
find a new friend,

but not a new best friend.

I'm supposed to be
your best friend.

Sweetie, I like Dane, but you
will always be my best friend.

You're hands-down my favorite
person to do stuff with.

Really?
Of course.

I'm sorry I ever made you
doubt that.

And to prove it, I'll take
you out for a fun night.

I'd like that.
Done.

You know, next week
is the unveiling

of the Wesley Lyon
headstone restoration

at the Willowbrook Cemetery.

You can do that with Dane.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Could somebody give me a hand?!

[ Ringing continues ]

♪♪

Hey, Chambers let me in.

[ Intercom beeps ]
Please have Chambers reassigned to the bowling alley --

shoe rentals.

[ Intercom clicks ]

Didn't know you had
an arcade in your basement.

In the winter
it's an ice-skating rink.

Oh, yeah.

So what you want?

I just wanted to say
I was sorry.

I was mad because I thought
you blew me off.

Why would you think that?

Because when I saw you
on that yacht

I thought you lied to me
about being with your parents.

And then I realized it
was just an old picture.

Why'd you post that?

Because instead
of hanging out with me,

my parents bailed to
go sailing with the son

of Dubai's Minister
of Foreign Affairs.

They were with
someone else's son.

I just didn't want
anyone to know.

Dude, that sucks.

Yeah.

I guess I just thought
you were sick of slumming it

with your poor friend.

What?

Dude, that's never
going to happen.

I don't care
how much money you have.

Really?
Of course.

Plus, we're the richest family
in Westport.

Literally everyone
is beneath me.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, how many tickets
do I need for that drone?

How many tickets
do you have?

-Uh, 14.
-14 tickets.

Well done.

I know it's kind of sad that
he's just giving me things

that I already own...
but it's sadder for him, right?

I'll answer that.

It's sadder for me.

[ Laughs ] See?

Are we bueno?

Muy bueno.

All right,
see you in a couple weeks.

I'll be here.

Is this, like,
your full-time job?

Ouch. [ Chuckles ]

Yes. Yes, it is.

And I'm --
I'm almost 50 years old.

Go.

Meatloaf, my fave!

The only way this
could be better

is if your mom was here, too.

I'm here, you dingbat!

Muy bonita, Mrs. Otto!

You also look
really pretty.

Thank you.

I'm your father's date tonight.

We compromised.

First we're gonna go
candle-making -- yawn.

Then we're gonna grab dinner

and see The Rock's new movie --
groan.

If you don't want to fight
traffic, you can catch the 8:15

at the theater in my basement.

If you're in the mood for an
indie, theater two is showing --

Shut up and eat, Cooper.

That's the stuff.

Here, let me get a picture.
Everyone together.

Everybody smile.

Did you get it?
Here, hold on.

♪♪

[ Machine whirs ]

[ Video games beeping ]

♪♪

[ Whirs ]

♪♪

[ Whirs ]

[ Whirs ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Machine chimes ]

[ Machine whirs ]

[ Machines powering down ]

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