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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:06,671
Let me tell you a story
that few live to tell
2
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:09,207
'Bout a thousand-year-old fish
3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,075
Surely sent from hell
4
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:15,814
Spawn of a demon whale
and a drunk King Kong
5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:20,352
He's as big as a bus
with a 12-foot dong
6
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:25,023
With a 12-foot dong
7
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:29,294
Just his sideways glance
smashes men to bits
8
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:33,966
He takes hundred-year
naps and two-ton shits
9
00:00:33,968 --> 00:00:38,036
And two-ton shits
10
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:43,508
He's the beast from beneath
and king of the fishies
11
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:47,712
He goes by the name of old Ulysses
12
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:52,517
Old Ulysses
13
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:54,653
Born in a volcano
14
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:58,991
Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses
15
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:05,664
Will kill everyone you know
16
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,400
_
17
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,567
18
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:12,671
[Slurping] Ahh.
19
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:16,475
I never understood why only little girls
got to have tea parties.
20
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:20,813
They are a wonderful way
to unwind after a stressful day.
21
00:01:20,815 --> 00:01:23,415
I know you drank my last
Monster Energy drink!
22
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,083
You ruined my special plans.
23
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,552
I was gonna drink it after
Francine went to sleep
24
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,154
and make prank calls all night long.
25
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,156
It wasn't me.
26
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,692
My sensitive tummy
can't handle that stuff.
27
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,760
I have to water down my Sprite.
28
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,563
This wasn't just a regular
Monster Energy drink, Steve.
29
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:40,965
This was Baller's Blend Punch, Steve!
30
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:43,101
A high-performance fuel
inspired by the streets
31
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,704
and optimized for the true baller.
Oh, wait.
32
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,640
- You're a fake-ass baller, if anything.
- Ahh!
33
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,109
Well, I won't keep you
from your little tea party.
34
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,511
Later, cucks.
35
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:54,646
Geez. Your dad's a real jerk.
36
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:57,516
Eh, he's just telling it like it is.
But I don't mind.
37
00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:01,319
Tomorrow we leave for our
annual trip to Possum Lake.
38
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:04,122
All I have in my room
is a Burger King wrapper
39
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,390
I taped to the wall.
40
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:08,993
A wee bit of color in
my otherwise drab life.
41
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:12,597
Yeah, at Possum Lake there are
all these father-son events...
42
00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:15,200
hot-dog-eating contest, chicken fights,
43
00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:17,602
and a big boat race
at the end of the week.
44
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,738
My dad is always so proud of me up there
45
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,473
because all we do is win.
46
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:25,210
Geez, Steve, you're starting to
make me wish my dad wasn't dead.
47
00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,345
Oh you're really gonna
wish your dad wasn't dead
48
00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:28,613
when you hear this.
49
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,083
Up there, we never have to shower.
50
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:33,952
We just take some Pert
Plus into the lake.
51
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,353
Lake baths?
52
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:36,689
[Tab snaps]
53
00:02:36,691 --> 00:02:39,491
[Slurps] Ew, you nasty.
54
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,295
- [Water splashes]
- Klaus: Oh, no, Baller's Blend in my bowl?
55
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,297
I can't afford to party for days.
56
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,498
I have plans!
57
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:50,302
Errr-ohhhhh, yeah! Get it, boy!
58
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,904
Now I've got the edge I need,
59
00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,371
whether I'm hitting the clubs
60
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:55,274
or hitting the courts!
61
00:02:56,658 --> 00:03:00,512
Spawn of a demon whale
and a drunk King Kong
62
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:05,050
Francine, Haley:
He's as big
as a bus with a 12-foot dong
63
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,719
Why have I never had a
jaunty song written about me?
64
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,255
I'm over 1,600 years old.
Where's my song?
65
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,791
Isn't Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine"
written about you?
66
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:16,661
No, I've come to realize that I slept
with a different Richard Sambora.
67
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:19,798
Well, I couldn't be more
excited for Possum Lake.
68
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,401
This is the first year I've
been able to make the trip.
69
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,070
I thought this was the first time
we ever invited you to come along.
70
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,872
- I didn't invite him.
- Who invited him?
71
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,741
Oh, look! The lake.
72
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,611
- Wanna lay out and tan for a bit?
- Sure.
73
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,813
Hey, I have an idea
for a film adaptation
74
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,282
of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You wanna hear about it?
75
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,550
Of course.
76
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,951
It's the year 3000.
77
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:44,355
Marbles are scarce and
hippos are used only for sex.
78
00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:46,291
[Glass tinging]
79
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,359
A giant, freshwater lake?
80
00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:49,494
[Menacing chord plays]
81
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:51,162
I can finally ditch my bowl
82
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:54,299
and be free to roam
around wherever I please.
83
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,501
Freeeeeeedommm! [Laughs]
84
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,237
[Growls]
85
00:03:58,239 --> 00:03:59,438
Oh, crap.
86
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:05,044
Crowd: [Chanting] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
87
00:04:05,046 --> 00:04:07,846
- How much time left, Possum Dave?
- Two hours.
88
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,981
Time to kick it into high gear!
89
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,617
[Munching]
90
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:12,985
_
91
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,586
[Chanting continues, rhythmic clapping]
92
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,854
[Horn blows]
93
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,457
Stan and Steve are our winners!
94
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,926
[Cheers and applause]
95
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:21,927
96
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:25,396
Nobody beats the best
97
00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:28,867
We're super good, yeah, uh-huh
98
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,538
Did you know that some
people stretch by themselves?
99
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:34,806
Those poor souls.
100
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:35,807
- [Bones crack]
- Ahh.
101
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,476
Snot: Here we are.
102
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,144
Snot?
103
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,211
Tuttle?
104
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,547
In the flesh.
105
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,883
Hey, Snot. But what are you doing here?
106
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,552
Hearing you talk about
this trip with your dad
107
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:48,954
made me so jealous.
108
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,757
I decided I had to find
a father of my own.
109
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:56,361
I was inspired by one of my
favorite romantic comedies.
110
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:57,963
[Phone ringing]
111
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,365
Radio host: Hello, you're on the air.
112
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:01,700
Lonely in Langley?
113
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,702
That's what she called him on the show.
114
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:07,772
Says here the kid's already gotten
over two thousand letters.
115
00:05:07,774 --> 00:05:09,908
Ugh. No leads on a dad,
116
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,611
but we got another clue
from the Zodiac Killer.
117
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:18,517
You're gonna slip up sooner or later,
you son of a bitch.
118
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,785
What is wrong with me?
119
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:23,254
I'm obsessed with some
boy I've never even met.
120
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,191
What I really don't want to do
is end up always wondering
121
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,326
what might have happened
122
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:30,129
and knowing I could have done something.
123
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,130
_
124
00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,464
[Exhales deeply]
125
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:36,868
126
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:39,671
Maybe he found a better dad.
127
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:43,074
128
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,543
[Button clicks]
129
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:47,346
[Elevator dings]
130
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,280
It's you.
131
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,150
It's me...
132
00:05:51,152 --> 00:05:52,283
Tuttle.
133
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,020
It was a pretty wild day and a half.
134
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,088
Well, I should go help my da...
135
00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:00,359
Tuttle unpack.
136
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,094
So, Tuttle and Snot, huh?
137
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,163
I guess that makes sense.
138
00:06:04,165 --> 00:06:06,565
They're both very... "New York".
139
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:07,699
[Door opens]
140
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:08,900
- After you.
- After you.
141
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,369
- Unh.
- Unh.
142
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,103
They seem a little
awkward around each other.
143
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,505
Maybe we should help them out.
144
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,440
- Oh can we, Papa?
- Let's do it.
145
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:19,778
And I know the perfect thing
for two fellas trying to bond.
146
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,447
Lake baths!
147
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:23,648
It's weird.
148
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,316
Tuttle and Snot seem even more awkward
149
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:28,554
around each other now that they're naked
and in a public lake.
150
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,789
[Can clanks]
151
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:33,325
I'm so bored.
152
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,464
Ugh, and now a boring bird
is on my shoulder.
153
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:42,000
Actually, I'm a human
who's been turned into a bird
154
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,535
by an evil corp... [Squawks]
155
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,404
So boring!
156
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:48,006
I can't believe our tour
guide never showed up.
157
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,674
What are we gonna do now?
158
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:51,410
[Bright chord plays]
159
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:52,677
Sorry I'm late.
160
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:54,946
I'm your tour guide, Wheelie Pedalaton.
161
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:57,682
But it says our guide is named
Schwinn Chafecrotch.
162
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,751
Really? That's a good one.
163
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,686
So, hi, I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch.
164
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:03,022
Everyone on your bikes!
165
00:07:03,024 --> 00:07:05,424
If you can't keep up,
you will be left behind!
166
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,960
Ahhh! I fell in the sticker bush.
167
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:12,564
Just gonna rub this leaf on my wounds
as a topical ointment.
168
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:13,832
Uhp, that's poison ivy.
169
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,834
Well, these organic
mushrooms should fix that.
170
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,436
[Chewing] Argh!
171
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:19,104
[Splash]
172
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:22,641
Why don't we go around in a circle
and say where we're all from.
173
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,510
Hey, you guys gonna do the
father-son chicken fight, too?
174
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:29,514
Yeah! We saw it on the activities list
and thought it sounded fun.
175
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,049
Hey, that's super.
176
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,718
Yeah, good for you guys.
177
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,987
So, I've been wondering,
who puts on all these activities?
178
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,725
Uh, the same company that's behind
everything great in America.
179
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,193
Announcer: Halliburton.
180
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:45,264
"American Dad!" salutes Halliburton
181
00:07:45,266 --> 00:07:48,934
and all the wonderful
things they secretly fund.
182
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,003
They're behind all your favorite things.
183
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,406
They control everything!
184
00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:57,075
All hail, Halliburton.
185
00:07:57,077 --> 00:08:00,946
Don't cross them or they'll
turn you into a bird.
186
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,348
- [People playing]
- _
187
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,549
Ohh!
188
00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:06,151
Chi... Chi... Chi...
Chi... Chi... Chi...
189
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,487
Chi... Chicken fight!
190
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:10,155
Chi... Chi... Chi... Chi...
Chi... Chi... Chi...
191
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,890
Chicken fight!
192
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:16,628
When a son is on a dad,
things are all right!
193
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,830
Oopsie! Sorry.
194
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,099
Not very stable.
195
00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:23,034
You're the most stable
man I have in my life.
196
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,636
- Really?
- Yeah!
197
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:26,838
[Laughter]
198
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,640
Snot and Tuttle: Hahhhhhh!
199
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,775
Stan and Steve: Ahhh!
200
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:31,977
[Cheers and applause]
201
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:35,246
[Muffled cheers and applause]
202
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,249
Muffled: That's my ribbon.
203
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,251
[Muffled music playing]
204
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:43,855
Nobody beats the best
205
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,858
Muffled: Whoa, they're doing your dance!
206
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,861
I'm going up for air, Possum Dave.
207
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,697
Don't follow me.
208
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,401
209
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:57,402
I'll do my own scalp.
210
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,805
But we always do each other's scalps.
211
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,072
Is this about the chicken fight?
212
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,540
Of course it's about the chicken fight!
213
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,942
No, I don't mind that you're Jewish.
214
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,544
I hope you're okay
with me being a Wiccan.
215
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,679
Steve, come on.
216
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:11,349
Today is a whole new day
with all new activities for us to crush.
217
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:12,951
Tuttle and Snot just got lucky.
218
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:14,219
They blind sided us...
219
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,887
and they did it right in our face.
220
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,755
Hmm, maybe you're right.
221
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:18,957
Of course I am.
222
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,827
You really think "Tuttle" and "Snot"
are any match for us?
223
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,295
Now let me at that scalp.
224
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:25,230
There we go. Don't worry.
225
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,433
We're gonna win like crazy today.
226
00:09:27,435 --> 00:09:29,234
We lost every single event!
227
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,236
They made us look like chumps out there!
228
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:34,306
[Grunts] You like looking like a chump?
229
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,708
No.
230
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,711
[Birds chirping]
231
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,113
Ugh, still not dark enough.
232
00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:42,514
I'm an "Autumn Bronze",
233
00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:45,851
but I want to be a "Dried Tobacco".
234
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,185
Sunscreen?
235
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,521
What, are you trying to scare the sun?
236
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:52,190
We need to wine and dine the sun.
237
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,859
Show a little skin.
238
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,527
That's what he likes.
239
00:09:55,529 --> 00:09:57,395
That is what I like.
240
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:59,264
See?
241
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,000
You're doing great.
Just throw that leg over.
242
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,401
When you talk, you move the bike.
243
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:06,204
So, our tour guide can't ride a bicycle?
244
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,206
Best way to learn is to teach.
245
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,475
But we all know how to ride.
246
00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:12,410
Then why'd you hire an expert cyclist?
247
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,346
Oh, sticker bush!
248
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:15,947
Oh, fire ants!
249
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,483
Oh, sticker bush!
250
00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:20,218
There's even more fire ants in here!
251
00:10:20,354 --> 00:10:23,288
[Wind blowing, birds chirping]
252
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:27,425
All this open water, Klaus must
be having the time of his life.
253
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:30,228
[Screaming]
254
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:33,631
[Bear roaring, electricity crackling]
255
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,168
Who cares about all those dumb contests?
256
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:39,838
The only thing that really matters
is the big boat race tomorrow.
257
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,306
We bring home that trophy,
258
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,375
then we're still the real winners,
right, Dad?
259
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:45,577
Absolutely.
And we're going to win for sure.
260
00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:47,179
Tuttle doesn't even know how to sail.
261
00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:50,248
[Enya's "Orinoco Flow" plays]
262
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,718
What's that sound?
263
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:53,919
[Sighs]
264
00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:55,387
It's "Orinoco Flow".
265
00:10:55,389 --> 00:10:59,057
Sail away, sail away, sail away
266
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,126
I just learned how to sail!
267
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,329
- [Wind gusts]
- Aw, man!
268
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,864
I'm sick of losing!
269
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,265
There's only one solution...
270
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,401
we have to break up Snot and Tuttle.
271
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:12,270
We can't do that.
Snot's your best friend.
272
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:15,541
- Fine, fine, I won't.
- Good.
273
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:17,876
Hey, you think Francine's still got it?
274
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,346
275
00:11:20,348 --> 00:11:22,080
I hate that the sun is setting.
276
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,015
I know! I want to keep tanning!
277
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:28,420
You know, I heard a rumor once
that stars are actually suns.
278
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:30,622
Then I say we keep sun tanning.
279
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:33,359
I think you mean star tanning.
280
00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:36,562
[Laughing]
281
00:11:36,564 --> 00:11:40,966
[Laughing intensifies]
282
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:44,103
[Both crying]
283
00:11:47,441 --> 00:11:50,508
Have we had any water today?
284
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:53,111
285
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,448
Tuttle: You gotta let me explain,
SnottySnot!
286
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,584
Oh, I think I get it!
287
00:11:58,586 --> 00:12:00,252
Steve.
288
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:02,520
I know what you did this summer!
289
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,390
- Eh?
- You broke up Tuttle and Snot, didn't you?
290
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,726
I did what had to be done.
291
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,396
I broke them up with a page
out of their own book...
292
00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:13,265
a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan rom-com.
293
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:15,333
[Gasps] "Joe Versus the Volcano"!
294
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,603
No, "You've Got Mail".
295
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:18,737
The worst one.
296
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,007
I seduced Tuttle online,
presenting myself
297
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:25,010
as a better,
more appealing son than Snot.
298
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:27,345
[Chuckles] The rest was easy.
299
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,147
Tuttle: I turn on my computer.
300
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,416
I go online.
301
00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:32,484
And my breath catches in my chest
302
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:34,953
until I hear three little words...
303
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,421
- You've got mail.
- You've got mail.
304
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,156
Movie Trailer Guy:
In a city where everyone
305
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,025
is looking for someone,
306
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,160
Tuttle and Steve have discovered
307
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,029
the best way to meet someone
308
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:46,698
is to never meet at all.
309
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,034
I know I'm in a relationship with Snot.
310
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,769
I'm just e-mailing with this other kid.
311
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,103
It's really nothing.
312
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,238
But...
313
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,373
I might be falling for him.
314
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,908
What they don't realize...
315
00:12:56,910 --> 00:13:00,245
is that one of them is just a huge dick.
316
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,647
- Hey!
- What?
317
00:13:01,649 --> 00:13:03,181
You're ruining your best friend's life
318
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,850
all to win a stupid boat race.
319
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:07,719
Uh, the Possum Lake
Regatta is not stupid.
320
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:09,655
Do you even hear yourself right now?
321
00:13:09,657 --> 00:13:11,056
Wait, you're a bird?
322
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,724
We're all gonna be birds!
323
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:13,859
Don't you get it?
324
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:15,927
Don't you see what
Halliburton is doing...
325
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,196
[Gunshot, glass cracks]
326
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,332
[Thud]
327
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:22,267
My plan worked perfectly.
328
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,336
Tuttle fell in love with me,
this morning,
329
00:13:24,338 --> 00:13:26,538
Snot found all the secret e-mails,
330
00:13:26,540 --> 00:13:28,206
and now they're in a huge fight.
331
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:32,678
[Crying]
332
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,746
With Tuttle and Snot out of the way,
333
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,214
we'll win for sure now.
334
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,016
Don't you want to taste it again?
335
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,617
Taste... what?
336
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:43,021
The winning!
The delicious taste of winning.
337
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,156
Gobble, gobble!
338
00:13:44,158 --> 00:13:45,557
I don't want to win like this.
339
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,959
I'm sorry, but I can't do
the Possum Lake Regatta
340
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:48,960
with you, Steve.
341
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,295
Well, don't worry.
342
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:53,165
With that attitude,
I don't want to do the race with you!
343
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:54,299
[Crying continues]
344
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,568
Tuttle, will you be my partner
for the big boat race?
345
00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:59,037
- Sure, but...
- Great, shut up!
346
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,772
Whoa! Did you see that?
347
00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:04,376
The back seat of Tuttle's Ford Probe
is full of weathered prosthetic limbs.
348
00:14:04,378 --> 00:14:06,021
Let's build a guy!
349
00:14:07,604 --> 00:14:09,848
Collinsworth:
A tradition unlike any other,
350
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,517
the sporting event of the summer...
351
00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:14,119
This is The Possum Lake Boat Race.
352
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:17,255
I'm Kenny "The Jet" Smith
with Cris Collinsworth.
353
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,457
- [Gunshot]
- That's the start of the race.
354
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,727
Let's take you down to the
action live for the start
355
00:14:21,729 --> 00:14:23,328
of our 14 hours of coverage...
356
00:14:23,330 --> 00:14:25,263
14 hours?
357
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,332
[Indistinct chatter]
358
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,934
This boat is amazing.
359
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,869
Plus it has a mini-fridge
360
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,539
packed with every drink
you could ever imagine.
361
00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:36,141
I can imagine rainbow juice.
362
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,544
Oh, I miss Snot.
363
00:14:38,546 --> 00:14:40,678
[Metal clanking, wind blowing]
364
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,582
Huh, was Steve the one
who knew how to sail?
365
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,753
Look at me! Are you looking?
366
00:14:47,755 --> 00:14:50,355
You're doing great, honey!
367
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,357
Oh, people! Thank God.
368
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,491
Who are you?
369
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,026
I'm Schwinn Chafecrotch.
370
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,494
Isn't that your name, honey?
371
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,496
Barbara, I love when you call me honey.
372
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,233
I was walking in the woods
when I was attacked...
373
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:03,435
by the Possum Lake monster!
374
00:15:03,437 --> 00:15:05,503
Old Ulysses from the song?
375
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:10,508
No, this was a land-based monster
whose song has yet to be written.
376
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,710
It had a big, swollen head.
377
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,447
No nose. Droopy witch-belly.
378
00:15:15,449 --> 00:15:17,583
Long, probing fingers.
379
00:15:17,585 --> 00:15:22,921
I'll never forget the disgusting
feel of that gray, papery skin.
380
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,456
Okay, that's enough.
381
00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:25,857
You can't blame this poor,
382
00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:28,594
land-based monster
for the dry mountain air.
383
00:15:28,596 --> 00:15:30,996
And "monster", that's a bit
of a loaded word, isn't it?
384
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,399
- The words we use matter.
- But it attacked him.
385
00:15:33,401 --> 00:15:35,400
Oh, don't be such a stupid bitch,
Barbara.
386
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,535
- [People gasps]
- I won't apologize.
387
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,538
I think this two-day
bike lesson is over.
388
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,541
You think this is over?
This is far from over!
389
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,812
Because this land-based
monster never forgets.
390
00:15:46,814 --> 00:15:48,614
That's right, I'm admitting it.
391
00:15:48,616 --> 00:15:50,816
And you fools made a terrible mistake...
392
00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:53,419
You taught the monster to ride a bike.
393
00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:54,787
[Chain clicking]
394
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,491
Mm-hmm.
They should call it Pricker Lake.
395
00:15:59,493 --> 00:16:02,694
I ain't seen one possum 'round here,
I'll tell you that.
396
00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:05,563
Looks like Steve and Tuttle are
going to win this one easily.
397
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,433
They've already started
their victory dance.
398
00:16:07,435 --> 00:16:10,902
Nobody beats the best
399
00:16:10,904 --> 00:16:15,240
We're super good, yeah, uh-huh
400
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:16,574
Collinsworth: Wait a second.
401
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:20,245
It looks like one of our competitors
is having some sort of revelation.
402
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,448
My God. What have I done?
403
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:24,582
Tuttle, I don't think I can do this.
404
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,384
[Creature growls]
405
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:29,787
No way. I-It can't be.
406
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,190
Yes, it is. It's real. It's...
407
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:36,394
Old Ulysses, Old Ulysses
408
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:43,068
Will kill everyone you know
409
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,871
[Menacing music plays]
410
00:16:45,873 --> 00:16:48,273
[Old Ulysses growling]
411
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,342
412
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:52,810
[People screaming]
413
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,280
414
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,015
Think fast, Stan, what do we do?
415
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,216
What do fish hate?
416
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,486
Well, I know what fans
of the band Phish hate...
417
00:17:00,488 --> 00:17:02,020
deodorant. Zing!
418
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:04,756
Ah crap, I wasted all my
time on that perfect zinger!
419
00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:07,126
God of Jokes,
I've earned your protection!
420
00:17:08,162 --> 00:17:10,896
We have to turn around and help my dad!
421
00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:12,564
But we're about to win!
422
00:17:12,566 --> 00:17:14,099
I don't care about winning.
423
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:15,501
I have to save my dad!
424
00:17:15,503 --> 00:17:18,303
- Ah!
- I'm coming, Dad!
425
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:19,771
426
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:22,107
[Growls]
427
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:24,042
[Screeches]
428
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,978
429
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:28,847
[Gasps]
430
00:17:28,849 --> 00:17:30,716
431
00:17:30,718 --> 00:17:33,385
Steve. You saved me.
432
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:35,187
Great, now save me!
433
00:17:35,189 --> 00:17:37,055
[Menacing chord plays]
434
00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:38,456
[Laughs]
435
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,192
[Clears throat]
436
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,594
[Both screaming]
437
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:45,263
[Bear roaring, electricity crackles]
438
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,464
439
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,533
[Old Ulysses growling]
440
00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:50,068
- [Clank]
- Dad!
441
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,603
Oh, no, wake up!
442
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,341
Oh, if only there was
something powerful enough...
443
00:17:55,343 --> 00:17:58,644
Every drink you could ever imagine.
444
00:17:58,746 --> 00:18:02,280
Every drink you could ever imagine.
445
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,482
That's it! Thanks, Tuttle!
446
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:08,286
Stay out of the back seat of my Probe.
447
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,088
448
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,957
[Tab snaps]
449
00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:14,893
[Echoing] Baller's Blend! Alright!
450
00:18:14,895 --> 00:18:17,095
[Deep voice] Let's do this!
451
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:20,299
[Normal voice] No.
We're stronger together.
452
00:18:21,635 --> 00:18:23,235
[Menacing chord plays]
453
00:18:23,237 --> 00:18:24,903
Chi... Chi... Chi... Chi...
Chi... Chi... Chi...
454
00:18:24,905 --> 00:18:26,572
-
Chicken fight!
- [Old Ulysses screeching]
455
00:18:26,574 --> 00:18:28,173
Chi... Chi... Chi... Chi...
Chi... Chi... Chi...
456
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,841
Chicken fight!
457
00:18:29,843 --> 00:18:33,645
When the son is on the dad,
things are all right!
458
00:18:33,647 --> 00:18:36,047
[Screeching continues]
459
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,750
460
00:18:40,388 --> 00:18:41,987
We did it!
461
00:18:43,657 --> 00:18:45,123
Well, I was helping, too.
462
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,192
I was punching him from the inside.
463
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:48,526
Got in some good licks.
464
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,663
Hey, this fish is funny!
465
00:18:51,665 --> 00:18:54,866
The chapter of Old Ulysses is over.
466
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,669
Thus, a new chapter begins.
467
00:18:57,671 --> 00:19:02,140
Our star tanning has
given us great powers.
468
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:06,878
It is time for the gods
to leave this realm.
469
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:13,018
470
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:17,022
[Both moaning]
471
00:19:17,024 --> 00:19:18,424
[Laughs]
472
00:19:18,426 --> 00:19:19,958
Every year.
473
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,828
[Whistling]
474
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:25,030
475
00:19:25,032 --> 00:19:27,633
Sorry, Dad.
I guess I kinda ruined our trip.
476
00:19:27,635 --> 00:19:29,435
What are you talking about?
It was amazing.
477
00:19:29,437 --> 00:19:31,236
I got to kill a mythical fish.
478
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:34,105
I just don't understand why
you got so obsessed with winning.
479
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:36,174
I was worried that if we started losing,
480
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:39,377
we would also lose that special
bond that we have up here.
481
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,846
Special bond?
482
00:19:40,848 --> 00:19:43,782
Yeah, you're so happy up here
because we're always winning.
483
00:19:43,784 --> 00:19:46,051
No, I'm happy because I'm not working.
484
00:19:46,053 --> 00:19:47,385
I hate work.
485
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,655
I wish I was a baby again.
486
00:19:50,991 --> 00:19:54,660
I... probably should go
apologize to Snot now.
487
00:19:58,065 --> 00:20:00,999
I'm so sorry, Snot. I really messed up.
488
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:02,868
No, I messed up.
489
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:06,004
I butted in on your
special trip with your dad.
490
00:20:06,006 --> 00:20:09,074
I guess I'm just jealous
of what you guys have.
491
00:20:09,076 --> 00:20:10,208
Hey, listen.
492
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,877
If you ever want to join me and my dad
493
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:15,147
for a camping weekend,
all we gotta do is ask.
494
00:20:15,149 --> 00:20:17,149
- Really?
- Come on.
495
00:20:17,151 --> 00:20:18,584
No.
496
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,287
497
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:26,692
Old Ulysses was killed
by father and son
498
00:20:26,694 --> 00:20:32,364
Now the land-based
monster's the only one
499
00:20:32,366 --> 00:20:34,032
Roger: I got my song!
500
00:20:34,034 --> 00:20:38,036
He skulks the woods
with his lumbering gait
501
00:20:38,038 --> 00:20:39,104
Hey!
502
00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:42,174
Varicose veins and a balding pate
503
00:20:42,176 --> 00:20:43,509
Oh, come on.
504
00:20:43,511 --> 00:20:47,179
This chinless creature
with gnome-like features
505
00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:48,580
Gnome-like?
506
00:20:48,582 --> 00:20:57,322
You can smell his ass
all over the lake!
507
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:58,323
Well, that's true.
508
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:00,225
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
509
00:21:02,023 --> 00:21:04,076
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00:21:04,126 --> 00:21:08,676
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