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1
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,311
- All right,
sit down, everybody.
2
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:10,140
Start to shut up.
I...
3
00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:19,062
[quirky music]
4
00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:23,240
[cheers and applause]
5
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,460
- A little history
lesson for you.
6
00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:28,332
Thousands and thousands
of people have died
7
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:29,812
trying to climb Mount Everest,
8
00:00:29,855 --> 00:00:32,162
but I refuse to give
my life to that bitch.
9
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164
- Hmm.
- Oh, no!
10
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,079
Did I swear again?
[laughter]
11
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:38,212
Sometimes your only friend
is the howling of the wind.
12
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:39,735
- Is that Greg Miller?
13
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:41,171
You actually liking this?
14
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,086
- Yas, queen.
Get right.
15
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,827
He had his frostbit
toe amputated.
16
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,611
- Mm-hmm, on the side
of a dang mountain.
17
00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:48,831
- With a steak knife.
Get right, queen.
18
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:50,659
[laughs]
- What?
19
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:53,531
- Anyway, my buddy Iceman,
he hands me my severed toe.
20
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:54,880
It's dripping with blood.
21
00:00:54,924 --> 00:00:56,621
And I--I whisper to her.
22
00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:59,668
I say, "One day,
you and me, girl,
23
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:02,105
we are gonna climb
to the summit."
24
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:03,628
And guess what, folks?
25
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:05,543
Three years later,
that's exactly what we did!
26
00:01:05,587 --> 00:01:07,502
[cheers and applause]
27
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:11,593
Now, I've got a special guest
here I wanna introduce you to.
28
00:01:11,636 --> 00:01:12,637
- Oh!
29
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:16,598
Guess what's in here?
My big toe.
30
00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:17,860
Here she is.
31
00:01:17,903 --> 00:01:19,731
This toe means
everything to me.
32
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:20,776
[clears throat]
33
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,517
- Weird.
34
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,345
- It reminds me that nothing's
gonna stop my ass.
35
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,390
Whitlock, you wanna
see this toe?
36
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:27,609
- No.
37
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,350
[cheers and applause]
- Huh?
38
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,221
I'm afraid you're gonna
have to earn it.
39
00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:34,529
- Now, Greg is gonna be here
all week helping each of you
40
00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:35,834
achieve a personal goal.
41
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:39,142
- Your own personal Everest.
- Ooh.
42
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:41,884
- And so to all
the losers out there,
43
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:46,236
all the weak, bullied,
people that look in the mirror
44
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,542
and don't like what they see...
45
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:52,242
I was you.
We're gonna get there.
46
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:55,463
And on Friday when you summit,
I'm gonna show you the toe!
47
00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:57,160
[cheers and applause]
48
00:01:57,204 --> 00:02:01,730
I was defeated,
but now I am "vic-toe-rious."
49
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,645
[cheers and applause]
50
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:06,169
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
This guy sucks.
51
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:07,388
- Are you crazy?
Don't block my clap.
52
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:08,389
- Yes, he's the worst.
53
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:11,261
- [cheering]
54
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,350
Yeah!
55
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,700
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
56
00:02:15,744 --> 00:02:18,529
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
57
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:25,580
♪
58
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:28,191
- All right, everyone sit down
and shut up.
59
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:30,280
There will be no Everesting
in this class, okay?
60
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:31,629
And anyone who plays this dumb
Neanderthal's game
61
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,370
gets an immediate F.
62
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:34,937
- You don't think it's
impressive that he climbed
63
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:37,200
the world's tallest mountain
with only nine toes?
64
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,332
- Uh, you know what, Sarika?
65
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,768
No, I don't think
it's impressive.
66
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,422
Actually, I find it
a little bit easier.
67
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:42,466
Did you guys realize
that Everest isn't even
68
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:43,728
the hardest Himalayan peak?
69
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,208
That's probably
why he picked it.
70
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,470
You know, 'cause K2
is way harder.
71
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:47,863
- Actually, he did
K2 last year.
72
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:50,344
- Did he?
Damn it, did he, though?
73
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,867
Did he?
- Yeah.
74
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,260
- And whose side
are you guys on, anyway?
75
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,261
M--Mine or Greg's?
76
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:55,262
all: Greg's.
77
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,698
- Greg's?
78
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,221
All right, give me the shirts,
you patsies.
79
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,483
They're going in the dump.
80
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,703
- Oh, jeez,
are we out of bananas?
81
00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:03,574
- Oh, sorry, Dave.
82
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:05,663
- Ah, it's fine.
83
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,665
- Wait, why did you say sorry?
84
00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,667
Do you think a man
would apologize
85
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:11,408
for taking
the last community banana?
86
00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:13,758
Women apologize way more.
87
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,847
Our Everest should be
the mountain of sexism
88
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:17,762
we face every damn day.
- Yes.
89
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:19,329
Preach.
90
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,418
You know, I've got
to stop saying sorry.
91
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:22,811
That's gonna be my Everest.
92
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,421
- Preach it.
93
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,597
I'm sick of yielding
to every man whenever
94
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,295
I walk down the hallway.
95
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:31,559
No more getting stuck
in between the vending machines
96
00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:32,864
waiting for the hallway
to clear out.
97
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:33,952
- [chuckles]
98
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,519
I never yield.
99
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:38,479
I'm like a bull
in a glass plate shop.
100
00:03:38,522 --> 00:03:42,004
- China shop?
- I try to be woke.
101
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,310
Racially.
102
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:44,920
- Okay.
103
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:48,663
- Oh, no more bananas, huh?
- Oh, sorry, Ralph--
104
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:51,361
- Do not now.
- I--I ate the last--
105
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,494
- You better stop.
106
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:56,018
- Take an apple, bitch.
- Okay, let's--
107
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:58,455
guys, let's remember
to be respectful.
108
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:01,893
- Uh, we are not guys.
We are ladies.
109
00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,374
- I'm just gonna cut
my losses here.
110
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:06,028
- You know what?
Y'all inspire me.
111
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:08,770
As strong women, we need
to take care of ourselves.
112
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,467
The last time I truly
spoiled myself
113
00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:12,077
was at Sandals Resort,
Jamaica.
114
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:14,776
And if I cannot go there,
it's got to come to me.
115
00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,734
That's my Everest, me.
116
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:18,301
You know, I'm tired
of the inequality
117
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,912
and women making
way less than men.
118
00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:23,959
- Oh, I mean,
I'm even more way less,
119
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,004
'cause I haven't had
a raise in 15 years.
120
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,398
- Excuse me?
That's a no.
121
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:31,096
You have got to demand a raise.
- I do?
122
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:32,576
- Yeah.
- Yes, you go, girl.
123
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,056
- I'm fired up already.
[bell rings]
124
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,363
- Go get you it, baby.
- Hop off that sofa.
125
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,582
- I gotta rock it.
I gotta rock it up.
126
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,627
- [groans]
- Pop off it.
127
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,630
[quirky music]
128
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:48,331
♪
129
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,681
- Jack?
Jack Griffin.
130
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:51,856
It's Greg Miller.
131
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,902
- Uh, wow.
Have we met?
132
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:55,120
- Uh, yeah.
133
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,426
I used to call you
Pimple Butt Jack.
134
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,472
Remember that?
"PBJ, PBJ?"
135
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,604
- Uh, that's--that
is not my name.
136
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:01,649
- Well, I heard you blew it
at Harvard
137
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:03,346
and had to move back home.
138
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,087
Meanwhile, I'm raking it in
convincing these losers
139
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,784
that they're winners.
140
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:10,135
Joke is, they are losers,
just like you, Pimple Butt.
141
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,920
- [laughs]
Yeah.
142
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,661
You know, it's funny,
you kinda sound like an idiot
143
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,140
right now 'cause I don't have
pimples on my butt.
144
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,446
That was a lie you made up
in tenth grade.
145
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:17,708
- Oh, so what do you
want to do,
146
00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:18,709
prove it to me by
showing me your butt?
147
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,015
I don't think so.
148
00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:21,451
- I don't wanna
show you my butt.
149
00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:22,931
- I'm gonna go wash up
somewhere else.
150
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,149
- I didn't say that.
- That's not my scene.
151
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,587
- What are you--
- Bye-bye.
152
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:27,979
[door closes]
153
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,807
[toilet flushes]
154
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,645
- You know, if you tell
anybody about this--
155
00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:43,604
- I know, I get an F.
156
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:44,866
- No, no, no, no.
157
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:47,912
You get a murder.
158
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:50,959
[quirky music]
159
00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:55,964
.
160
00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:58,053
[bell ringing]
- You can do this.
161
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:03,711
[suspenseful music]
162
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,321
[thuds]
163
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,236
♪
164
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:08,977
- [groans]
165
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,457
Wh--Whoa, excuse me.
166
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,372
I--I'm actually--I'm--I--
167
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,025
♪
168
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,549
Yeah, okay.
169
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:16,724
Right.
170
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,465
Excuse me.
171
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:22,425
Can I just--can I--can you--
I had--my--
172
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,427
You know what?
This actually works out.
173
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:27,430
[clock ticking]
174
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,563
- I'm worried
about Mr. Griffin.
175
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:31,521
- Why?
He's always late.
176
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,700
- Guys, Mr. Griffin is hiding
from his bully.
177
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:38,267
That Everest dude
called him Pimple Butt
178
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,964
when they went to Whitlock.
179
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,531
He almost made Mr. Griffin
cry in the bathroom,
180
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,011
and I felt so bad--
- Damn it!
181
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,100
Vic--Victor, what did I say,
man?
182
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:46,406
[groans]
183
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,450
- Your rage
makes more sense now.
184
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,060
- Mm-hmm.
185
00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:51,106
- You were a nerd too.
- No, stop, okay?
186
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:52,629
Everybody just chill out.
I wasn't bullied.
187
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,457
I wasn't a nerd.
188
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,763
This isn't one of those things
where you guys find out,
189
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,591
"Oh, Mr. Griffin's
just like me."
190
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:59,244
- Lots of us
are in denial too.
191
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:00,463
- Guys, stop, okay?
192
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,117
I hate Greg because
he's a liar.
193
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,510
It's as simple as that, okay?
194
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:05,468
He--he constantly spread
lies in high school.
195
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,079
- About your pimple butt?
- No, not about my pimple butt.
196
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:10,604
I don't have a p--guys, there's
no pimples on my butt.
197
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,083
There never were.
198
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,607
Look, the guy's a liar.
199
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,478
He was lying then,
and I bet you he's lying now.
200
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,045
I bet you he didn't
even climb Everest.
201
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,177
And you know what?
I'm gonna prove it.
202
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:22,311
- We're gonna help you, Chief,
because you were bullied.
203
00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:25,053
- Okay, well then don't help,
because I wasn't, all right?
204
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,055
If you want to help,
help because you hate Greg.
205
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:30,493
- What if we don't say
why we're helping?
206
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:35,193
- Yeah, all right, fine.
That's good enough.
207
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:38,632
- Well, I was the most popular
donor there at the clinic,
208
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:41,330
so, you know,
the odds of these lovebirds
209
00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:44,115
being related is very high.
210
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,552
Oh, I gotta call you back.
211
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,118
- You can't keep stalling.
212
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,511
It's go time, girl.
- Oh, no kidding.
213
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,382
I gotta stop a wedding
this weekend.
214
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,428
- No, Helen, it's time
to go get that money.
215
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,777
Let's go!
- Oh, not today.
216
00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:56,214
No, it's not a good time.
No, no.
217
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,521
- Cut the crap, Durb.
- What--what crap?
218
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,349
- You need to give
Helen a raise.
219
00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:03,308
- Oh, yes, ab--absolutely.
I would love to.
220
00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,049
- Oh.
221
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:07,443
Well, now, see, this is what
happens when strong women
222
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,359
come together.
- Yes, we cannot be stopped.
223
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,100
Let's go!
- Oh.
224
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:13,405
- Mm.
225
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,585
- I'd apologize,
but that was not my fault.
226
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:20,456
That's was the dab's fault,
Durb.
227
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,458
- You gotta stop dabbing.
- But it's who I am.
228
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,764
- It's aggressive.
229
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,374
- You were woman,
and we heard you roar.
230
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:26,375
[door closes]
231
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:27,768
I don't want a raise.
232
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:30,422
The school needs the money
much more than I do.
233
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,860
I just got all jacked up
because everyone was being
234
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:36,472
all empowering and it was fun,
that's all, so disregard.
235
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,692
- I put the money
aside every year.
236
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,302
I want you to get this raise.
237
00:08:40,345 --> 00:08:43,174
Th--the students want you
to get this raise.
238
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:45,220
My mother wants you
to get this raise.
239
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,222
- Tell Debbie to mind
her own business.
240
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,703
- Okay, well, Debbie Durbin
doesn't mind her own business,
241
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:51,443
and neither does
her son Dennis Durbin,
242
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,794
and neither does Dennis'
brother Ralph.
243
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:57,624
So, Helen, take the GD raise.
244
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:02,237
- Okay,
I'll take the raise...
245
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,544
when I'm dead and stupid!
246
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,502
[door slams]
- [groans]
247
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:10,288
[bell rings]
248
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:12,116
- [laughing]
249
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:15,250
I've got him.
I have got him.
250
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,252
So why don't you guys go ahead
and prepare to lift me
251
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:19,820
on your bony little
shoulders in triumph?
252
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:24,259
This is a manifest that
I received after a very long,
253
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,478
very, very flirty
conversation with Ditya
254
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,306
at the, uh, Nepalese embassy,
255
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,830
and this shows
every single person
256
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,527
who climbed Everest in 2015.
257
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,442
That's the year that Greg
supposedly summited.
258
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,792
And guess what, my little
cornichons?
259
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:39,404
He's not on the list.
260
00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,362
He's a liar.
261
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:44,453
You guys are staring at me.
What's going on?
262
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,237
- So we got all the yearbooks
Greg was in,
263
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:47,848
and you were right.
He's a liar.
264
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,589
He wasn't weak.
265
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:50,633
He actually took really
good care of himself.
266
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,243
- Yep, he's a liar.
267
00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:54,158
- You also said you
weren't a nerd,
268
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:58,249
and there's a lot of evidence
to the contrary.
269
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,644
- Uh, we saw that you were in
band and that you played oboe.
270
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,951
- Uh-huh.
- I play oboe.
271
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:05,953
We're o-bros.
272
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:08,303
- Also, we saw that
your senior quote was,
273
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:10,305
"All around the world,
statues crumble for me."
274
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,655
- We cross-referenced it
because we thought it was
275
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:15,571
a quote from Julius Caesar.
- But it's not.
276
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,704
It's from a band
called Sugar Ray.
277
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:22,317
- And, Mr. Griffin,
they're not great.
278
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,797
- Yeah, no, I know, okay?
279
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,929
But at the time, there
was this California sound.
280
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:27,583
It was sweeping the na--
281
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,976
I don't have to explain
myself to you two.
282
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,892
The point is,
I've got him.
283
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,763
And over the course
of the next half hour,
284
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,504
I'm gonna weave
a web around him
285
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:38,594
waiting for the perfect
moment to pounce.
286
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,510
Toy with my prey.
287
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:42,685
- Howdy, hikers.
288
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:43,860
- I've got you!
I've got you!
289
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:44,948
I've got him!
He's a liar!
290
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,384
You're a liar,
and I got ya!
291
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:49,213
.
292
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:51,781
- Read it and weep, sucker.
293
00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:53,348
It seems that no one
named Greg Miller
294
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:56,090
climbed Everest in 2015.
295
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:59,876
- [laughs]
296
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,749
Oh, PBJ.
297
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:03,924
You wanna know the truth?
298
00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:08,798
After I lost my toe in my
first attempt to summit,
299
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:12,019
I came home to months
of grueling physical therapy.
300
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:15,196
- For a toe?
Come on, man.
301
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:19,243
- My beautiful, gorgeous wife
stood by my wobbly side
302
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:21,811
as I recovered,
and out of that darkness,
303
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:25,597
I decided to legally change
my last name to hers,
304
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:28,557
Bouvier,
so let me ask you,
305
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:33,562
did a Greg Bouvier climb
Mount Everest in 2015?
306
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,173
You take a look.
307
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,091
- It checks out.
- Yeah, I bet it does.
308
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:43,137
You know, those things
can easily be forged.
309
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:45,966
And I--I bet you--I bet you
he never even lost a toe.
310
00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:47,445
- Wow.
311
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:49,926
I really didn't wanna
do this but, uh,
312
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,623
take a look.
313
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,104
That's us approaching
the Lhotse wall,
314
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,410
bottom of Everest.
315
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,455
And that is Iceman
with the knife.
316
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,457
- [knife zings]
317
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,591
And that's him screaming as the
knife cuts through the bone.
318
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,811
- [screams]
319
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:08,292
- Now, I never screamed.
I didn't cry.
320
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,860
I sure as hell
didn't lie about my toe.
321
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,951
[sighs]
Jackie, baby.
322
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:17,519
You need professional help,
my boy.
323
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,001
And I'm the one that's
gonna give it to you.
324
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,611
I just talked Durbin
into hiring me
325
00:12:22,654 --> 00:12:25,353
for a three-day
mandatory employee seminar.
326
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:27,224
That's the big bucks, boy.
327
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:31,881
Ooh, I cannot wait
to get my hands on you,
328
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:34,144
my little pimple butt.
329
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:36,364
[suspenseful music]
330
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:38,540
- If you won the lottery
or "Price is Right"
331
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,542
or "Wheel of Fortune,"
isn't there a prize
332
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,283
you'd wanna win?
333
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:45,155
- I mean, there was a time
I was very jealous of a woman
334
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:47,897
who won an impact-resistant
self-collapsing
335
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,595
DuraGuard protected carry-on
collection from Visionair.
336
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,163
Oh, Mama,
that was traveling in style.
337
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,861
That was sexy.
338
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:58,342
- Helen, you are worth more
than some luggage, okay?
339
00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:01,345
So please take this check.
340
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,263
Hmm?
341
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:09,266
[quirky music]
342
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:10,659
[sighs]
343
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:17,884
♪
344
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,150
[waves crashing]
345
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,938
- This Sloppy Joe
is gross.
346
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:30,592
LeBron!
347
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,467
- Uh, hello.
348
00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,295
- Hi, Dave.
349
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,341
- Dang it, Mary.
350
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,909
I gotta go straight to my
son's christening after work.
351
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:46,521
- Stay strong.
352
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:50,220
- Not my problem.
- Oh.
353
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,222
Wow.
Okay.
354
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,051
Have a good day, Mary.
355
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,708
- That sucked.
I'm shook.
356
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:03,581
- Climbing a mountain's hard,
girl, but gotta persevere.
357
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,975
[slurping]
358
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,195
Mmm, hits me right in my teeth.
359
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:11,589
[bell rings]
360
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:14,592
[L7's "Shove"]
361
00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:15,942
[thuds]
362
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:22,992
♪
363
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:26,213
[thuds]
364
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:31,044
♪
365
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:33,524
- ♪ Bill collector
called today ♪
366
00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:34,961
♪
367
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,049
♪ Shove
368
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:45,319
♪
369
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,497
♪ Get out of my...
370
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:55,633
- Hey.
Ralph.
371
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,157
You okay, man?
372
00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,986
- I miss the hummingbirds
in winter, Jack.
373
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:02,031
- O--okay.
374
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:05,469
Uh, listen, Greg Miller
is not who he says he is.
375
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:06,644
This is a bad guy.
376
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:08,646
- I--I disagree, Jack.
377
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:11,519
We went out for
Shock Tops last night.
378
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:13,260
I--I'd never heard
of this beer.
379
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:17,090
Have you seen their logo?
It's an orange with a Mohawk.
380
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,744
I looked him up.
His name is Wedgehead.
381
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:21,790
- Look, I've known Greg
for 20 years, okay?
382
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,139
He is a liar.
383
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:26,229
- He showed me
the toe last night.
384
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:28,188
He was very vulnerable.
385
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,711
I think if you saw it,
you would understand him
386
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,278
on a deeper level.
387
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:34,281
Maybe you would join us
for Shock Tops.
388
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:35,673
- You know what?
Thanks for nothing.
389
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,327
I'll get someone else
to help.
390
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,199
And, by the way,
just so you know,
391
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,592
hummingbirds don't
migrate in the winter.
392
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,333
They just die.
393
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:44,334
[door closes]
394
00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:48,164
[percussive music]
395
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:52,212
- Mr. Bouvier, we just wanna
apologize for yesterday.
396
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,214
- Well, I'm running late
for my closing assembly.
397
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:55,737
- Can you help me
with my Everest?
398
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,347
My dad always wanted me
to be good at tennis,
399
00:15:57,391 --> 00:16:01,308
but I'm afraid of the balls.
Please?
400
00:16:01,351 --> 00:16:02,831
I don't wanna be weak anymore.
401
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,702
- So you guys
finally came around.
402
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:07,140
All right, climber,
get your ass to the trailhead.
403
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:11,535
Let's do this.
What you got?
404
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,450
That is badass.
All right, let her rip.
405
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,365
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
where did you guys get that?
406
00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:16,801
[motor whirs]
407
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:19,282
- Come on, stay with it!
Whoo!
408
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:20,544
- Ow!
- Come on, take it!
409
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,155
What are you doing?
Come on, Iceman.
410
00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:23,678
You got this.
- [screaming]
411
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:28,378
- 25,000 feet.
27,000 feet.
412
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:30,728
29,000 feet.
You did it!
413
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,382
That's the summit, bro!
414
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:33,775
[clapping]
[laughs]
415
00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:35,429
Nice work, man.
I was wrong about you.
416
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,257
- Oh, my gosh.
That was awesome.
417
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,608
Oh, that was so cool.
- That is the system in action.
418
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,610
- Back-stabbing traitors.
419
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:47,571
.
420
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,965
- Wow.
Wow.
421
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,099
You know, and to think I was
just starting to like you guys,
422
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,057
and here you are
siding with a bully,
423
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,885
the guy who used
to tell everybody
424
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:58,626
that I was still
breastfeeding on my mom,
425
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:03,631
my hardworking
singlemother's boobies.
426
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:06,373
Yeah, he used to--he used
to take little ketchup packets
427
00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:08,201
and he would put
a little tear in it,
428
00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:10,029
put it on my chair so that when
I sat down, it exploded,
429
00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:12,074
and he'd be like, "Hey,
Jack just had his period.
430
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,162
Check it out, everybody."
431
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,990
And he'd call me
Period Boy Jack,
432
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,211
yeah, one of two PBJ nicknames.
433
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,039
That's who you just sided with.
434
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:25,914
You guys suck.
435
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,917
- Boss, the tennis balls were
just a distraction so that
436
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,006
we could grab this.
437
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,312
We got the toe.
438
00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:34,792
- Oh.
439
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:37,273
My babies.
[laughs]
440
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,275
My beautiful, sweet babies.
441
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:40,624
He's gonna freak out
when he realizes that
442
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:41,799
this toe is missing.
443
00:17:41,843 --> 00:17:43,149
We gotta make it
to that assembly.
444
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:44,889
Come on, let's go.
I don't wanna miss this.
445
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,326
This is really gross.
446
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:47,631
[quirky music]
447
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:49,068
Come on.
448
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:51,940
- I'm no stranger
to adventure myself.
449
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,203
When I was a gnat's butt
older than you,
450
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:57,641
I went on a class-five
rapids expedition
451
00:17:57,685 --> 00:18:00,122
through the Appalachians
with my friend Gale.
452
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:02,820
I had been trying to convince
her to do a gal's trip
453
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,126
in the wilderness...
- Hey, Greg.
454
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:05,432
Hey, man, um, listen.
455
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,955
I just wanted to apologize, uh,
456
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:07,956
about what happened
the other day.
457
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:09,436
I'm--I'm sorry.
458
00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:12,091
- Oh, okay, well, I wanted
to tell you something too.
459
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,397
I--I heard you lost your mom.
460
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:15,833
Man, I'm sorry.
461
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:17,052
- Thank you.
462
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,271
- Bet you're starving.
463
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,794
[slurping]
464
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:22,057
Little baby needs his milk.
- Right.
465
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,190
- [laughs]
466
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,235
Now I gotta go inspire
these losers, so, uh,
467
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,411
I forgive you.
We're good.
468
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,109
- Good.
469
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:33,721
- And then the natives,
they served me the stew.
470
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:37,203
And while I was eating--
'cause I was hungry--
471
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:41,163
I kept asking, "Did you find my
friend Gale in the wreckage?"
472
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:43,383
And suddenly I felt
a bone in my mouth.
473
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,733
And I understood.
474
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,388
I had eaten my best friend.
475
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:55,177
Well, without further ado,
let's welcome back Greg Miller.
476
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,832
[cheers and applause]
477
00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,182
- What's going on, Whitlock?
478
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:02,706
Boy, we had some great summits
this week, didn't we?
479
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:05,100
I'm so proud of you guys.
- Show us the toe!
480
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,015
- Oh, you wanna jump
to it, huh?
481
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:08,930
I think you deserve it.
[cheers and applause]
482
00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,802
- Yeah.
- Let's do this thing.
483
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,414
She might be a little shy.
Let's see how it goes.
484
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,458
You wanna come out and say hi?
485
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,069
[cheers and applause]
486
00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:22,073
This little piggy
went to Whitlo--
487
00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:24,467
My t--where's my toe?
488
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,252
What the hell?
Somebody stole my toe!
489
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:27,470
- No, no, no, hey.
490
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:28,732
- I just saw it
ten minutes ago.
491
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:31,126
- Whitlockians are not thieves.
492
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,216
I'm gonna give everyone
a countdown from five
493
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,175
to return the toe, okay?
Counting down.
494
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:39,265
Five, four--it's okay.
Three...
495
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:42,268
- It's not okay.
- Two, one.
496
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,227
Okay, another five
starting now.
497
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:48,491
Five, four--
- You dumb inbred dog turds!
498
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:50,145
- [laughing]
- You're trying to rattle me?
499
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,103
I climbed Everest, okay?
500
00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,757
You think you're
better than that, bitch?
501
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:55,455
Your Everests were
the worst I've ever heard.
502
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:57,544
You got "do more footbaths"
over here.
503
00:19:57,587 --> 00:19:59,067
What the hell is that?
504
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:01,200
And your quarterback
has a broken leg.
505
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,202
Okay, I don't know about you,
but I like quarterbacks
506
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:06,857
who can actually run,
not walk around on crutches.
507
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:11,558
[booing]
508
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,473
My toe!
My toe!
509
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,039
[booing]
510
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,302
- Don't let the door hit you!
511
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:18,913
- [laughs]
512
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:22,482
[booing]
513
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,792
- You broke a bad, bad man
today, my little cherubs.
514
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:31,099
- We had to.
He was your bully, boss.
515
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,361
- Mr. G, you know what?
516
00:20:32,405 --> 00:20:34,276
I feel one
of our hugs coming on.
517
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,104
[dramatic music]
518
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:38,367
- [groans]
[laughs]
519
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:40,108
Oh, what--what
are you guys doing there?
520
00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:41,414
Come on, this is just
a me-and-Anthony thing.
521
00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:43,242
Come on, guys.
522
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:45,287
Ah, a lot of teenage
smells happening.
523
00:20:45,331 --> 00:20:46,288
[laughs]
524
00:20:49,944 --> 00:20:52,599
- Helen Henry Demarcus,
come on down.
525
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:56,603
You've won the impact-resistant
self-collapsing
526
00:20:56,646 --> 00:21:00,476
DuraGuard-protected carry-on
collection from Visionair!
527
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,130
- [laughing]
528
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:05,089
- Oh, but you can't touch
unless you agree to take
529
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:07,091
the luggage and a raise.
530
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:10,138
- Oh, can I just have those
three beautiful little bags?
531
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,835
- Nope.
532
00:21:11,879 --> 00:21:14,055
- Okay, I agree.
- Have at 'em.
533
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:16,144
- Yes!
[laughs]
534
00:21:16,187 --> 00:21:18,451
Oh, they're beautiful.
I wanna hug them so much.
535
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:19,887
Oh!
536
00:21:19,937 --> 00:21:24,487
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