All language subtitles for will and grace.s09e09.hdtv.x264

"Will and Grace" is recorded in front of

a live studio audience.

And here's Hannah on her sixth birthday

with a face full of chocolate.

How cute.

Yeah, I got a lot of similar
pictures of Grace.

Honey, maybe we've seen enough pictures.

Oh, sorry, didn't realize
I was boring everyone.

No, what, are you kidding?

Will and I were just saying the other day

that we wished we
could look at more pictures

of other people's kids.

Were we?

Oh, that... that's the soufflé.

Have we been looking at
pictures for 40 minutes?

Time flies when you're... Yeah.

I will grab the coffee.

This is so fun.

Oh, God, when will this nightmare end?

You're the one encouraging them.

I'm being nice.

Pretending to care about something

when you wanna kill yourself
is what a human being does.

There is such a thing as being too nice.

- This... this is just like...
- It's not like the office.

- Isn't it?
- No.

- Isn't it?
- It's a little bit like that.

But ever since we started
working together, you have...

No, no, no, no, no.
I am not insensitive at work.

- It's just business.
- Well, what about...

You should've told me
that janitor was deaf

before I recommended that podcast to him.

- We're back. Hey, hey.
- Hi.

Yeah, it's hard to believe

that little chocolate-faced
girl's off to college, huh?

Hey, you're empty-nesters.

Yeah, it's been a bit of adjustment,

but now we have more time
to do fun things like this.

- Aw.
- Yes, I am so very happy.

Excuse me.

He's been a freaking mess
ever since Hannah left.

He feels his life has
no meaning, but don't worry,

it won't ruin our evening.

♪ Is this the little girl I carried? ♪

♪ Is this the little boy at play?

Grace, no.

♪ I don't remember growing older ♪

♪ When did they? ♪

Okay, let's go. That's enough.

Larry, look.

I know this is
a tough transition for you,

and then Grace singing
couldn't have helped.

Thanks, Will.

I gave her so much of my love.

And I don't know what to do with it now.

Oh, good, I'm not interrupting anything.

I need to make flyers to
announce my new side job.

Snide comment from Will,

but I let it go because
I'll always be younger.

Starting tomorrow,

I will be augmenting
my income as a Lyft driver.

Obvious question from Grace.

Yes, Grace, you do usually need
a car to be a Lyft driver,

but Karen's lending me one of hers.

Nice compliment from Joe and Larry.

I have lost a few pounds.

I had a terrible stomach
virus... a bad peach.

I know, I didn't know they
could go bad either.

Bye, you guys.

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Okay, Karen,
it's right there on the card.

Hello, Lyft driver.

Could you please take me
to the supermarket?

How do people say things like
that with a straight face?

Come on, Karen. Stay in character.

I ca...

I can't.

You're just a regular passenger.

And I'm a colorful Lyft driver
who says things like,

"Would you like a tiny water?"

And, "There's a $20 vomit cleanup fee."

20 bucks?

That's where they get you.

Thanks for lending me your car, Karen.

It's so fancy. What kind is it?

A black one.

Oops, I mean, an African-Ameri-car.

Gotta watch out for the PC police.

Now, take me to Jewdorf Goodman
you big, mincing, butt-pirate.

Okay, here we go.

My first ride as a Lyft driver.

The story begins.

- Oh, my God, it's Val.
- Hi, Jack.

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This is so frustrating.

The legs are so much thicker
than I want them to be.

You're too hard on yourself.

You know I was talking
about the bed, don't you?

I do now.

Mr. D'Angelo is on his way up.

So when he gets here, I'll just
tell him they need to be fixed.

Okay, just don't be mean, okay?

Remember, he is an artist.

So don't get all
lawyer-y and business-y...

Well, don't you be so easy on him,

and don't do that weird thing
where you pick up his accent.

I don't do that.

Hello, beautiful lady.

Ah, what a perceptive mind, ah.

All right, take it easy, Olive Garden.

Mr. D'Angelo, Grace is very upset...

That I wasn't clear about what I wanted.

She says the legs on this bed are...

Are almost perfect,

but I would love them a little thinner.

It's a huge mistake...

To make a big deal about this

because your work is so extraordinary.

- Grace, I make them perfect.
- Aw.

Muah, muah, muah.

- Ciao, ciao.
- Ciao, ciao.

- Way too soft on him.
- You were way too hard on him.

It's a business, Grace. Not a charity.

I know that. I am a professional.

Everything I do, every decision I make,

I am thinking about the bottom line.

I'm here for my very first
day working in an office, ever.

Bottom line, Larry was sad,
so I gave him a job.

Ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Right there, right there,
right there, oh, right there.

Uh...

Ow, ow, ow.

I wanna get hit by a car.

Okay, are you in pain
or are you having a good time?

My pain and pleasure centers overlap.

I'm in a medical journal.

Are you sure we can't take
you to the hospital?

It's the least we can do.

Mm, actually, not running her over

would've been the least we could do.

Ah, I think I'll be okay.

Okay, honey, how many zeroes
is it gonna take

to make this thing go away?

Guys, I don't wanna talk
about money out here.

Come into my apartment.

We'll talk about it like normal people.

All right. Come on, Jack.

Not you.

Grace, somebody has got to
tell the tile people

to move up their production schedule.

- You can't rush them.
- I agree with Will.

Sometimes you have to be tough
with people, right, Will?

That's right, Larry.
Business is business.

That's right, Will.

You know, I gotta say,

despite the fact that
his only office skills

are crying and scrapbooking,
it's nice having Larry here.

Is it?

What do you mean?

Every time we have
a difference of opinion,

he sides with you.

Well, I have been on fire today.

You are not.

You have had some real clunkers.

And still, Larry is all,
"Another great idea, Will."

Will had another great idea?
Well, he's on fire today.

I got a meeting in 30 minutes.

If I leave now I can avoid
an awkward encounter

with the deaf janitor in the lobby.

I always manage to
accidentally startle him.

Grace, you're making me nervous.

What's going on?

We sang "Fiddler on the Roof" together.

Why did you switch teams?

Okay, there's something.
I've been sad lately.

Well, Hannah leaving was tough.

There's that, and also,

Joe and I are having
some intimacy problems.

Okay, well, that's private,
so you don't have to tell...

I've been faking my orgasms.

Well, yeah.

Who doesn't? But...

But I just realized today,

the answer to all my problems
was right in front of me.

I'm in love with Will.

What?

I am in love with Will

and I wanna shout it from a mountaintop!

Or... or... bury it deep inside you.

And just cry in the shower
like a normal person.

You cannot tell him.
It will ruin your friendship.

I see you guys once a year.

- What about Joe?
- Joe.

He has a big ass and can't cook.

No offense, Grace.

How's the oat straw tea?

Well, I guess it's okay

if you enjoy the taste of liquid foot.

You're a silly puss.

All right, honey.

This is my last offer.

Oh, jiminy crackers.

But still, I... I don't know.

All right, honey.
I see where this is going.

You wanna go beyond the wall
and see the White Walkers?

Um, oh, no, I didn't mean that.

I'm... I'm sorry, Karen, it's
just really hard to set a price

when it comes to pain, you know?

You should know that.

What do you mean? I'm not in pain.

- Karen.
- Val.

Karen.

Val.

Karen.

Val!

Karen.

Val.

You've experienced a loss, haven't you?

I have.

Well, I haven't really
talked about it, but...

oh, God, this is so hard.

Okay.

Six months ago,

my beloved housekeeper, Rosario, died.

Ever since then, for the life of me, I...

I cannot find my cowboy boots.

It's like, where are they?

I wanna hear all about it,

but I'm just gonna put
another log in the fire.

- Hold on.
- Okay.

Okay. Go on.

Oh, Grace, I've had the craziest day.

Not crazier than mine.

Larry told me that
he's in love with Will.

That's insane.
Larry could do so much better.

So are you gonna tell Will?

No, no, I can't.
It'll ruin our friendships.

But I figured out a way
to keep them apart.

- See what I've dec...
- Boo.

I don't need to know your process, okay?

My turn.

So I hit Val with Karen's car,

and Karen's in her apartment right now.

And I'm a little afraid for her.

Am I overreacting?

- Wait, wait... Val, crazy Val?
- Yeah.

If anything, you are under-reacting.

I don't know what kinda crazy
scam she has...

I know what it is.

There are people who throw themselves

in front of expensive cars
trying to get money

out of rich people.

I heard the same thing on Fox News,

so you know it's a true fact.

It's Karen.

"Val braided my hair and
we're walking to Central Park."

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

You know what you need to do.

- Yes.
- Okay.

But you say it.

Okay, you need to sneak
into her apartment.

...apartment, right.

- Go through her computer.
- ...computer, yeah.

I was gonna say "tablet," but go ahead.

And find evidence
of whatever scam she's pulling.

...pulling, yes.

I was gonna say "proof,"
but "evidence" could work fine.

I know this is extreme,

but we are not dealing
with a normal person.

She is not like us.
She is a total wack-a-doo.

All right, here
is a key to her apartment.

I secretly made a copy 15 years ago,

and I keep it on me
at all times, in case Will

ever goes missing and
I need to search for his body.

Wack-a-doo.

Hey.

You are going to be so proud of me.

A situation arose at work,
and I was tough.

- Fantastic.
- Yep.

I fired Larry.

What? Why?

Wait, you fired him because
he kept agreeing with me?

I did it because you were
right... he has no experience.

No, no, no, you were right.
He's a good hire.

- No, you were right.
- You were right.

Typical man... why can't you
just admit when you're right?

- Hello.
- Hey, Larry, it's Will.

Grace told me everything.

- Everything?
- Yes.

We can make this work.

- Really?
- Yeah, now, just...

can you meet me at the office?

Sure, just give me
20 minutes to shower and trim.

Okay, um, hey, hey... and just, you know,

until we figure the ins and outs of this,

let's better not tell Grace.

Or Joe.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

- Hello, Jack.
- Val.

What the F. Murray Abraham
are you doing in my apartment?

I could ask you the same thing.

It's my apartment, Jack.

Ooh, I walked right into that trap.

What happened to your limp?

- What happened to your limp?
- I never had one.

Ugh! I walked right into that trap.

What is this, Val?

Why do you have pictures of me and Karen?

And why is your face on my body?

Oh, that?

That was here when I move in.

Whatever scam you're running,
it is over when I tell Karen.

You're not telling anyone. Gah!

Larry?

Oh, hi.

I kinda need the office.

Grace... you know, Grace?

I'm not the deaf one.

I'm so, so... so...

why... why am I still doing that?
I can't...

- Hey, Will.
- Hey, Larry.

Um, full disclosure.

When Grace first hired you,
I admit I wasn't sure.

But now that you're here,
I can honestly say,

I really want you.

Wow.

I'm all yours.
I just wanna make you happy.

And you do, you do. The problem is Grace.

You know, she won't admit it,
but I think she's jealous.

I thought she was over all that.

You know, I think it comes
down to the fact

that I can be hard, you know? She can't.

But, that's just nature.

Tell me about it.

You know, Larry,
if we're gonna make this work,

you can't just get behind me,

you gotta get behind Grace, too.

Oh, Will, that's asking a lot of me.

I know, I know.

I don't like it either.

But I do it.

You know, just to keep the peace.

Joe said you did,
but I've never believed him.

Hey, you know what? Here's a good idea.

Let's, uh... let's role play.

You, uh... you, you take one position.

And I'll take another position.
Then we'll switch, okay?

- You ready?
- Oh, dear.

This is a lot more activity
than I'm used to.

Do you have an energy bar?

Sure. I... I...

I usually dip this time of day too.

Let me see what I got, uh.

Grace keeps a secret stash
of snacks in different places.

She's like a squirrel that way.

Ah, here we go.

This one says it's healthy,

but it's probably no better
than an Almond Joy-oy-oy.

Will? Joe told me that Larry was...

oh, boy-oy-oy.

Grace, come to bed,

so I can get my part of this
over with first.

What the...

Karen, there is so much
I need to tell you.

Pause... I love the braids... play.

Val's been scamming us! Look at this.

She knew I was a Lyft driver.

She knew where the car would be.

And I'm pretty sure
she jumped in front of it.

Is this true, Val?

No.

Val.

Karen.

Val.

Karen.

Okay, I did it.

But I didn't do it for your money,

I did it for your friendship.

For my friendship?

Not for my money?

Okay, what kind of sick game
are you playing?

It's just so hard to make friends

after college, you know?

Oh, sure, but why me?

I mean, of all the people you could...

Oh, now, I get it.

I am the whole Van Damme package.

You are, and you're just so good to Jack.

I just wanted a friendship like that.

That's all.

Shouldn't there be an easier way?

I mean, couldn't we just
make a lunch date?

You'd really go to lunch with me?

Of course.

I mean, you're nuttier than a
tree full of squirrels, but...

We do have the same blood type
and that can come in handy.

Uh, what is going on here?

I didn't tell you the
real reason why I...

- I fired him.
- Huh?

Uh, it's because he's in love with you.

Ah, okay. Um...

A. You might've mentioned that part.

How would you have handled it?

Well, I certainly wouldn't
have been so mean.

He's a friend of ours.

Oh, now look who's the softy.

Oh, you were the softy.

You hired him in the first place.

Maybe I can be both hard and soft,

did you ever think about that?

I'm so soft right now,
I may never get hard again.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I think that I was having
a mid-life crisis.

I'm gonna get dressed and go home to Joe,

who I love.

He's kind.

And he has a man's ass.

No offense, Will.

What?

I don't think I should work here anymore.

Can we pretend this never happened?

- Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Of course, of course.

You should come by on Friday.

We digitized all of
Hannah's school plays.

Oh, that sounds so fun.

- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know, it's a disease.

Okay, driver, take me to Costco.

I need to buy paper towels.

Are those even words?

Karen, that was so nice,

us saying we're gonna hang out with Val.

We're not going to, right?

Oh, honey.

We are never gonna see her again.

Hey, guys.

My Wednesdays just opened up.

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www.addic7ed.com

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