All language subtitles for will and grace.s09e01.hdtv.x264

Okay, he's a man,
but he's aged into a lesbian.

Steven Tyler! Jon Voight!

- Newt Gingrich!
- Yes.

Okay.

She's... don't get me started.

- Jada Pinkett Smith.
- Yes.

Oh, oh! We want to love her,

but she makes it impossible.

- Caitlyn Jenner.
- Of course.

Um...

Oh! Uh, uh... rich, hostage.

- Melania.
- Beret.

- Patty Hearst!
- Yes!

Whoo!

You guys are up.

Grindr has gotten so skanky.

I feel like I could get finger herpes

just from scrolling.

Ooh, there's a gay guy
within ten feet from... oh.

- Can we play?
- Okay.

Patience, darling, patience.

Grace, you need to take
my new profile pic, okay?

But wait until I do something adorbs.

Come on, Kare, it's our turn.

Kare?

- Is she asleep?
- Wait, it could be a trap.

A smaller Karen might
shoot out of her mouth

and bite your face off.

I got this.

What's going on?

What's happening? Who won the election?

Your guy.

Oh, I had the craziest dream.

You were there, and you were there...

You weren't.

Hello, Grace, I was just
giving you full adorable,

and you missed it!

In the dream, Will was living
with a swarthy man in uniform,

and Grace was married to a Jew doctor.

Yeah, well, we were.
But we're single now.

That tracks.

What happened to the children you had

who grew up
and got married to each other?

- That never happened.
- Oh, what a relief!

Nobody wants to see you two raise kids.

Yeah, I mean,
what would be funny about that?

But you're not still living together.

Oh, no. I mean, I mean...

- she's living here right now.
- S-staying here.

- Staying...
- For just a couple of weeks

until the dust settles.

On your genitals?

On my divorce.

Because of your genitals.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about Stan?

Is he still alive? Am I still rich?

Answer the last one first.

You're rich, Stan's alive,

both single, no kids.

Got it?

Got it.

- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Are you writing another angry letter

to that congressman?

Wow, you are so good.

Eh, people throw around
the word "hero" too much.

I didn't say "hero."

There's that word again.

- Is that him?
- Mm.

"Congressman Steve Sandoval."

I hate it when bad guys are handsome.

It's like Scar in "Lion King."

What?

Who cares what he looks like?
He's trying to gut the EPA.

I am so impressed.

You are so woke.

I used to be woke.

Now I use my pussy hat
to sneak candy into the movies.

Get back into it.
Write your representative.

- I should write.
- Why don't you?

I don't wanna write.

I'm so busy! What can I do

that's low-effort, high-impact?

- Fart in an elevator?
- That was not me!

That is fake news.

Hi, it's your assistant,
Anastasia Beaverhausen.

I have to tell you about my conversation

with Melania... you know,
the wife of your president?

By the way, I signed your name

to his birthday card. Bye!

She never stops rubbing it in my face.

Yeah, but does she ever
bring up the election?

No, she tortures me, constantly.

I know what I can do.

I can put my foot down
with her in the office.

No more gloating.

No more screaming "Lock her up!"

when I wear something she doesn't like.

Well, there you go.
It's just what you wanted,

you know? Effort is low,

and you're impacting
a person who's high.

Not hungry, couldn't eat a thing.

What are you in the mood for, Jack?

French toast.

I am off, boys.
Thank you for inspiring me.

Who talks like that?

Okay, who's the guy?

Your lips are pursed,
your neck is flushed,

and you're presenting.

I am writing a protest letter
to a congressman

about issues that matter...

- in my pants.
- I knew it!

I knew it! I knew it!

How hot is he on the Ryan scale?

He's a Reynolds-point-Gosling.

- Okay.
- Grace thinks

it's all political,
but we're totally flirting.

Okay, Shonda, now we got a scandal.

Hey, look.

There he is. And he is the worst...

votes against every
environmental regulation.

Okay, I get it.

You wanna hook up with a power gay.

It's called an "Anderson Cooper."

It used to be called an "Elton John,"

and before that, an "Abraham Lincoln."

Wait, wait, wait, is it...

Isn't it hypocritical
to hook up with someone

that I disagree with
on virtually everything?

Will, do you know
how many men I've been with

who I disagree with politically?

I don't.

'Cause I don't ask!
You just pop out your contacts

and you get to work.

It's not like I'm ever
gonna meet this guy anyway.

Okay, I know exactly what to do.

All right? Here we go.

And going to his Facebook page...

and going to his calendar...

and looking at his speaking schedule...

and I found one.

"Addressing the Energy Caucus
in the Rose Garden."

Are we tech avail on Friday? We are.

Okay, good. Now let's book our train.

Are we comfortable in business,
or should we be bad

and splurge for first?

Let's be bad!

I mean, if we're gonna do it,
let's do it.

Okay, and we're done.

Thank you for booking your travel
through "One Fine Gay."

Karen, I need to... Karen?

Hey, Grace. She's not here yet.

Hey, Tony. You're in early.

- Hi.
- Yeah, you know,

I was just finishing up
the drawings on the townhouse.

You are so good. Mm.

Hey, Tony, can I ask, um,

does Karen ever offend you?

Mrs. Walker, offend me? Um...

Well, I mean, she's like...

You know,
she's like... I mean...

well, what do you mean by "offend"?

Does her politics offend you?

Politics? No, no.

Is there anything else
that she does that offends you?

Mrs. Walker? Uh...

you know, she's... she's...
it's kinda like...

I mean...

nah, she doesn't offend me, no.

Well, you let me know if she does.

I will. Thank you.

That stuff looks great.

Karen, you and I need to have
a very serious talk.

Oh. So, I shouldn't do this?

Honk.

I'd prefer you didn't.

How about this? Honk-honk.

- No.
- No.

How about the Sugar Ray speed bag?

Karen!

Sorry, honey, but you make me nervous

when you do the serious face
and your mouth goes

into that little balloon knot.

I'm instating a new rule.

Your politics, your business,

but you gotta keep it out of the office.

Honey, I knew I had some news.

You're redecorating the Oval Office!

- What?
- What?

What? What? What?

What?

The Oval Office?

Yeah, Melania called me last night

after one of her night terrors.

She said the hubster's been pouting

'cause his office is a real dump.

So, I says to her... I says,

"Melani-o, have I got
the decorator for you."

And she says, "Is she pretty?"

And I says...

"Not a threat."

So, long story short,
we're going to Washington.

Wait a minute, you got me a job

redecorating the Oval Office?

Yes, you.

Well, obviously,
I wouldn't even consider it.

But just out of curiosity,
what is he looking for?

Just a fluff. You know, he wants it

to look like he's there
from time to time.

No, I can't.

It would be completely hypocritical.

I know that this is a huge opportunity,

but it goes against everything
that I believe in.

I would hate myself if I took that job.

- Train leaves at 10:30.
- I'll be there at 10:15.

I gotta say, when you're actually here,

it's kind of hard to be cynical.

I mean, the Oval Office is right there.

And look, there's the vegetable garden

where Michelle Obama introduced
broccoli to the Midwest.

And that... right there, that's where

Joe Biden and Barack Obama
used to hold hands

- and talk about their dreams.
- Aww.

I still don't get
how you got us in here.

My pals at the Secret Service.

You don't know anybody
in the Secret Service.

Of course I do.
Everybody in the Secret Service

is gay. You know that.

Why do you say things like that?

Because it's true.
Who better to read a room?

You're ridiculous.

Sir, you are aware that we can hear

everything you're saying.
Slandering the Secret Service...

Oh, oh... please, please forgive him.

He... he was born with his brain
on the outside of his skull.

Was I speaking to you?

Oh... no, no. I beg your pardon.

- It's my first time.
- I was speaking to him...

this adorable marzipan confection

with a tushy that belongs
in the Smithsonian.

Hey, Lenny. Long time.

Good to see you, angel face.

Glad you guys got in.
Your skin is amazing.

You obviously take good care of it.

Find me later.

There he is. There's the congressman.

Is that Will Truman?

Hi. Kellyanne Conway, he's hot!

Mm-hmm.

Okay, he's a ten, you're a six.

Be confident, okay?

- And don't giggle.
- I'm a grown man.

I don't giggle.

Congressman Sandoval, it's an honor.

The honor is mine.
I serve at the pleasure

of my constituents...

hopefully one in particular.

Wow.

I've gotta say, I am awed

by the majesty of this office.

I mean, just think of the great
minds that sat at this desk

and shaped the course of history.

A Russian-English dictionary
and a fidget spinner.

The first time I was in this office,

Nancy and I were chasing
Ronnie around that desk...

Trying to get some protein
into the ol' Gipper.

We used to put a scoop of tuna fish

in an ice cream cone
and tell him it was mint chip.

All right, let's start.

Karen, hand me that curtain swatch.

I need to make sure
it works with his coloring.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

- Yup, that's the one.
- Ah.

Paige, please give Mr. Truman
here a tour of the West Wing.

Oh, Congressman,
before I give anyone a tour

of the West Wing,
there is a security protocol

that I have to... what the hell?

Rules don't mean anything
in this place anymore.

- I'll go get your credentials.
- Thank you.

Hup-up-up-ah!

What's with the Laura Bush pour?

Give me the full Pat Nixon!

Uh, excuse me.

- What's going on out there?
- That's the Energy Caucus,

ma'am. Congressman Sandoval is about

to address them in the Rose Garden.

That's that awful guy
that Will's been writing.

He's rolling back
environmental regulations.

Ha! Take that, trees and water.

You know they make gin
out of trees and water.

Eh, rich people won't be affected.

Oh, now I just feel gross.

I'm here doing this,

and Will's off somewhere, resisting.

We'll meet back here afterwards.

Sure.

We'll start in the Oval Office,

But you should know,

the owner's got someone
in there redecorating.

"The owner"?

There's a lot of new words
they want us to use.

Follow me.

Hmm... redecorating for this president?

What desperate
fool would take that job?

It's just gonna be redone in a year.

Actually, you could say
my job's gotten a lot easier.

The nutjobs that we protected
the last president from

are this guy's biggest supporters.

Oh, yeah.

Enough about me. What about you?

- What's going on?
- Oh, God.

The, um, last time I saw you,

I was living in the apartment
across the hall from Will,

you know, kind of...

doing a journey inward.

Yeah, I was still doing
that ridiculous one-man show.

No, I remember that.
Right, it was called "Just"...

Don't even!

That is dead to me!

What kind of an ego must I have had

to put my own name
in the title of my show?

Anyway, since then, I've started

a bunch of different businesses.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Well, I had an energy drink

called "Jack It Up!"

Then I was gonna trademark

my own stretch and kick workout,

called "Jack be Nimble."

But I strained my groin

doing an overly enthusiastic
demonstration

on top of one of the investors.

After that, then I started

a Halloween pumpkin carving business.

Ah, let me guess. "Jack-O'-Lanterns."

That's what I should've called it.

Not "Scary Orange Balls"!

Welcome to the Oval Office.

The owner would like you to know it's

the best Oval Office you'll ever see.

- It's tremendous, and...
- Grace.

- Will.
- You and I need to talk.

I disagree. I think
you and I need to talk.

What are you doing here, Grace?

What are you doing here, Will?

Are you just gonna repeat
everything I say

with an emphasis on a different word?

Are you just gonna repeat
everything I say

with an emphasis on a different word?

I can't watch another
husband and wife fight

in this office.

I saw Barb Sr. give 41
the full pile driver

in this office over
that "read my lips" BS.

Come on.

- How could you?
- What?

I'm an interior designer,
just designing an interior.

It's a room.

What you are doing is so much worse.

Me? I'm just here voicing

my grievances in person.

Before or after
giggling like a schoolgirl

with Congressman Sandoval
in the Rose Garden?

Who are you, Mrs. Peacock in "Clue"?

Don't try to distract me
with a movie you know I love.

You had me convinced
that you were actually

doing something selfless,
when all you were doing

was just trying to pull
an Anderson Cooper!

How do you know what
an Anderson Cooper is?

You're not the
only one in the house

who reads Queerty.

Don't you understand

that working here is a tacit endorsement

of everything that happens here?

I can't believe you'd even consider

taking this job. Honestly,

I'm more disappointed than anything.

Oh, unbelievable.

Even though you are totally busted,

you are still acting superior to me!

- Can't do this again.
- Do what?

This... us being all up
in each other's stuff.

Well, then why did you
beg me to stay with you?

I begged?

You stood at my doorstep
with a suitcase!

"I. Don't. Know.

Where. To. Go, Will!"

Whoa!

If you're so unhappy, then move out,

because I can't live
with your crazy again.

Do not call me crazy.

That's real mature.
What are... what, what are we,

gonna have a pillow fight
in the Oval Office?

act and then think.

You're right. Let me think first.

Hmm.

Do that again...

I dare you.

That's it! It's on!

I mean, now, I'm actually living

in the apartment
across the hall from Will.

Um, you know, kind of
doing a journey inward.

So...

a lot has changed.

- ♪ Oh-ba-da, bi-ba-da ♪
- Kare?

Poodle? What are you doing here?

I'm on a date.

With Lenny?

Wait a minute, you two know each other?

Well, hello, Mrs. Walker.

- Pleasure as always.
- Yes.

- What have you been up to?
- Recently,

I've been focusing my attention...

Excuse me.

All available agents,

we have a situation in the Oval.

Cupcake Daddy's gotta work.

Little kiss?

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

Oh, those eyes are just too damn blue.

So... did you get serviced?

Shh.

It's a secret.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're really leaving, huh?

Yup.

I was gonna go to a hotel, but...

- You're too cheap?
- Yup.

Then I was gonna go
to my sister's, but...

- She was eating on the phone?
- Yup.

So...

I guess... I will go.

Grace, Grace...

You know why I didn't tell you
what I was doing?

I didn't want you to think less of me.

I didn't want you
to think less of me, either.

I like you thinking
that I'm a better person

than I really am, 'cause it...

makes me wanna be a better person.

And your judgey-ness...

keeps me from doing

some of the crazy things I wanna do.

So stay. And not... not just temporary.

I mean, as long as it makes sense.

- It'll be different this time.
- Will it?

Yes. 'Cause all the other times

we've done this, we thought
it would be different,

but this time, we know
it's gonna be exactly the same.

And that's what makes it different.

And I'm the crazy one?

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm.

Come on, let's get you
back to your room.

There's nothing in here, is there?

I kinda figured we'd end up here.

Because of you guys,

I had to spend the night
at the White House.

The things I had to do to Lenny
to keep you two out of trouble!

Thanks, you guys.

When you two talk about politics,

you get so preachy.

We should just be
what we've always been.

- Mm-hmm.
- A sad, middle-aged lady...

And Grace.

Oh, Grace. I can't believe

you had a chance to
redecorate the Oval Office

- and you blew it.
- I don't know.

I did manage to make
one... little change.

_

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