All language subtitles for mom.s05e11.hdtv.x264

Previously on
"Mom"...

Santa Cruz is only

a three hour
and 12 minute drive.

Do you think we should try
the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

Don't I know you from that time
we slept together?

It's kind of a bad time.
I-I really got to study.

This isn't just
hooking up anymore.

Cooper, look... I just don't
have the same feelings for you.

I just don't get it, Christy.

I mean, it would be one thing
if there was another guy.

Oh! There is.

There's totally another guy.

I guess I want to be
with the other guy.

Wow, Christy's driving down
to Santa Cruz to see Patrick.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know I want you ♪

♪ I want you. ♪

Come on, Bonnie!

This wedding starts at 3:00.

- You ready?
- Unfortunately,

yes.

Wow. You look...

I know.
"Ho, ho, ho, Green Giant."

How'd you get roped into this?

I made the mistake
of being nice.

Judy's in our meeting.
One time I told her to hang in there.

Next thing I know,
I'm her emergency contact

and a bridesmaid.

Wait a minute. I put on a tie
for a woman you barely know?

You want to trade?

How did Christy get out of this?

Judy hates her.

They shared the coffee
commitment once,

and it almost
led to a fistfight.

Stupid Marjorie broke it up.

Have you seen my pearl earrings?

I've never noticed earrings
in my entire life.

Except for the guy
at my Starbucks.

He's got, like, a piece
of driftwood in there.

Hey, Mom.

Hi. Do you know
where my pearl earrings are?

No idea.

And again, they're not pearls.

They're just
white plastic beads.

Yeah, well, now I have no
earrings to wear to the wedding.

I've seen that dress.
You don't need earrings.

You need a rim of salt
around your head.

How's it going with Patrick?

It's not. I've been stuck
in traffic for hours.

I'm close to peeing
in my Big Gulp.

If you do, make sure
you dump it out the window.

I had a bad experience once.

After all this, I just hope
he's home when I get there.

You didn't call first?

No! You don't call ahead

when you're about to make
a big romantic gesture.

Have you never seen
a Sandra Bullock movie?

Not willingly, no.

You don't call before you run to
the airport to stop the plane,

or bang on the church window,

or go back in time
to make sure your parents kiss.

You just do it.

Mom? Did I lose you?

Damn it.

If you're there,
I can't hear you.

Mom?

I'm pretending
I can't hear her.

It drives her crazy.

Mom?

Mom!

Mom?!

Mom?!

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
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Oh, my God, he isn't here?

Oh, my God,
what have I done?

Oh, Lucy. Lucy girl.

Christy?

Hi.

Hi.

Uh... what are you doing?

Making a big romantic gesture.

On my roses?

Patrick, I want to be with you.

Well, I want
to be with you, too.

Great.
I'll tell you what.

Um, when you're done,

come on inside.
We'll have a little snack,

and we'll erase
the security video together.

I don't think your dog likes me.

Well, you are on her spot.

Come on, Lucy.

♪♪

*MOM*
Season 05 Episode 11
Title: "Sex Fog and
a Mild-to-Moderate Panic Attack"

Have you looked
at this schedule?

The service is
an hour and a half.

It's a full Mass with Communion,
a "Blessing of the People."

What the hell is that?

It's when I whisper "Hail,
Satan" under my breath.

This is gonna be torture.

Oh, relax. We'll just
make out in the back row.

Sweetheart,
you're in the ceremony.

Didn't you go to the rehearsal?

Rehearsal?
I'm not hosting SNL.

Hey, when we finally do this,
I say we knock it out

at City Hall, grab some Chinese,

and we're on a plane to Hawaii
by sundown.

See, that is why
I am marrying you.

Some day.

Aw, geez, after the ceremony,

there's a 45-minute drive
to the reception?

This better be an open bar.

Yeah, about that...

Hmm, it's a dry wedding.

No alcohol?
Why didn't you tell me?

Same reason
you don't tell a baby

he's about to be circumcised.

Does she always do that?

Uh, well,
it's been a long time

since she's seen me
kissing anyone but her.

I have been waiting
so long to do this with you.

And by "this,"
I mean...

more than this.

Like a naked
version of this.

Ooh, that sounds fun.

Maybe without Big Eyes. Lucy,

squirrel in the back
of the house!

There's no squirrels.

- Mmm.
- Oh. Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Oh.

I can't go back
any farther.

There's, like, nine
pillows behind me.

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
my ex-wife is a decorator,

and she's really
into throw pillows.

And art and furniture.

Pretty much everything
in the house that's not me.

Mmm.

So, what you're saying is your
ex-wife is kind of everywhere.

Yeah. I never really
thought about that.

It's just that
it's our first time,

and I want it
to be perfect.

You know what?

I got a surprise
for you now.

How about you and me find
a really nice hotel room?

Oh, my God, hotel sex?

That's the best kind
of sex there is.

I know.
Such a beautiful service.

So moving.

I'll see you at the reception.

Oh, my God, that
was endless.

The standing up,
the sitting down.

That guy walking around
throwing smoke at people.

And if I have to wait
in line for a cracker,

would it kill 'em to spray
a little cheese on it?

I don't know. I thought

the children's choir
was kind of nice.

Really? 'Cause I was hoping

a bigger choir would come
and beat 'em up.

Come on. They were singing
about love in Italian.

Oh, they could have been
singing about linguine.

You don't know.

Are your eyes red?

Please tell me
you weren't crying.

No. Just...
the whole thing got to me

a little more
than I thought it would.

When they took
their two little candles

and lit the one big candle.

They're the one big candle now.

Sorry, I didn't notice.

At that point, I was trying

to slice my Spanx open
with a nail clipper.

Hey, would it be so terrible

if we did the candle thing
at our wedding?

Maybe we even get married
in a church.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What happened to City Hall,
Chinese food, Hawaii?

I don't know. Maybe we should
do something more traditional.

The only reason I am not
driving head-on into traffic

is I don't want to
die in this dress.

So this room's
working for you.

Oh, yeah.

Was that you?

Not yet.

Oh, God, yes.

Still not me.

You know what?
I think we've got some neighbors.

Why don't
we try to tune 'em out?

Oh!

Well, that guy
has a gear I don't have.

I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.
I get it. I get it.

That second girl
got pretty loud.

So where to now?

Well, I'm gonna take us
to my favorite beach.

It's really secluded
and very romantic.

Oh. The beach.

I think you mean,
"Oh, the beach!"

No, I-I love the beach.

- I just don't love the beach naked.
- Ah.

Women are kind of
like English muffins.

We have a lot
of nooks and crannies.

What's going on?

Well,
Christy, um...

I just got to ask.

Are you having
second thoughts about this?

- What? No.
- No, no, no.

It-It's okay,
because I-if you're not

feeling right about it,
then we can wait.

No, I don't want to wait.

I just want to look
back on tonight

and be like,
"aw," not "meh."

Well, nobody's looking
for "meh."

It's just that if the
first time isn't great,

then the next time
you're worried it won't be good again,

and then you're all
messed up in your head,

and then the
pressure's really on.

I never thought of it
that way.

But I am now.

You know what?
I'm being ridiculous.

Of course it's gonna
be perfect,

because it's you and me.

Yeah.

You know what?

Let's do it
right here, right now.

Oh.

Ha. Well, you're-you're-you're
putting a lot of pressure

on the next six minutes.

Let's take this party
to the back.

Phew.

You got to be back here
for the party.

Yes, I know how sex
works.

Are you all right?

Well, I was until you started
talking about all that stuff.

How can it be perfect?

I've never been perfect.

I've been very good at best.

- It's okay, Patrick.
- No, it's not okay. It's not.

I-I-I can't breathe.

I-I need some air.

I changed my mind!

I'd be perfectly happy
with "meh."

How you feeling,
Patrick?

Ah, pretty embarrassed, Christy.

Can I come over and visit?

Okay.

This is my fault.

I made tonight into
a way bigger deal

- than it needed to be.
- No.

I-It's not you.
It's not you.

Look, I was married
for 30 years

and the last five, we
didn't touch each other.

And all that talk
about being perfect

triggered what
WebMD diagnosed

as a mild-to-moderate
panic attack.

That's not sexy.

I think you're very sexy.

So, you're still interested

in a middle-aged neurotic

with only one-and-a-half
notches on his belt?

Very interested.

How 'bout this?

We go back to your place,
go to sleep...

And I mean actual sleep...

And start fresh
in the morning.

I love that idea.

So I'm curious.

What counts as half a notch?

I'm holding firm on my stance.

You're not supposed
to take that.

They ran out of centerpieces.

And I deserve a takeaway

for the pain and
suffering of this dress.

Pretty sure
that's hotel property.

No, they expect you to take 'em.

It's like robes and televisions.

How amazing was
that reception?

What was so great about it?

Did you not see
the mountain of gifts?

They wiped out Pottery Barn.

Now it's just a barn.

You really think they need
all that junk?

Of course not.
They're at the store tomorrow,

returning all that stuff
for cold, hard cash.

And how 'bout the dollar dance?

You pin money on the bride
to dance with her?

What genius
came up with that idea?

Probably the first stripper
to get married.

Well, I am definitely doing that
at our wedding.

And I'll make more money,

because I've six feet
of pinnable area.

You're incredible.

You know what else we could do?

Corporate sponsors.

"Do you, Bonnie, take Adam
to be your husband?"

"I sure do, especially
after driving here

on Firestone tires."

Honey, our wedding
could be a real cash cow.

Wow.

I tell you how moved I was
by this beautiful ceremony,

and you crap all over it.

And then you see a pile
of toaster ovens

and a woman with 20s
taped to her ass,

and you can't get enough.

Oh, so you're allowed
to change your mind

about what kind of wedding
you want, but I'm not?

No, it's bigger than
our wedding, Bonnie.

It's about what we want in life.

I want a fiancé who's
not a Catholic schoolgirl.

Oh. Oh.

Good morning.

Lucy, off.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
It's-it's okay.

No, it's not okay.
She's on the boys.

Lucy, off.
Come on. Come on.

Attagirl.

Phew. Hey.

How'd you sleep?

- Ah.
- Huh.

Great. You?

Excellent.

I think we got this part
of the relationship down.

Yes, we have nailed sleeping.
All right.

Well, you know what?

That settles it then.

We'll be one of those
weird couples who sleeps

in the same room and
never has sex.

Like Bert and Ernie.

Oh, those guys are
totally doing it.

Well, then,
maybe we should.

Oh, boy, I'm so glad
we didn't give up on this.

Me, too.

I mean, the-the
long-distance thing

could have been a lot
for other people, you know?

I mean, we could've just
started seeing someone else.

I'm really happy we didn't.

We didn't, right?

Well...

Why on Earth would
you tell Patrick

you slept with
another guy

right before you were about
to sleep with Patrick?

It just came up.

How?
I brought it up.

Cold SpaghettiOs?

That says self-loathing.

Yeah, and I'm using the spoon
that snags your lip.

Ow.

I deserve that.

So why did you tell him?

I didn't want to start the
relationship off with a lie.

That's fine, but you got to
bang their brains out first.

Then you can be honest.

I do it with Adam
all the time.

It's the main
reason we have sex.

Oh, it is not.

You and Adam are great together.

I'd give anything
for what you have.

Not today. We had
a huge fight.

All of a sudden he wants a
traditional church wedding.

Doesn't he know that if you walk
into a church wearing white,

you'll burst into flames?

Thank you.

Mom? Adam?

Are you somewhere in here
having sex?

Boy, I hope not.

Patrick.

This is for me?

Well, you're not the only one

who can make
a big romantic gesture.

♪ Slow ride ♪

♪ Take it easy... ♪

Sorry, uh, wrong song!

I-I work out to that.

Okay.

That's supposed to be Seal.

And, uh, oh, sorry.

Oh, I-I-I can't find it.

Uh, look,
j-just try to imagine

"Kiss From a Rose"
playing in the back...

I love that you
did all this.

I'm-I'm so sorry
I overreacted.

You easily could have lied
and I never

- would have known.
- I forgive you.

Bedroom's this way.

Uh...

- Oh, damn it.
- What?

I forgot condoms.

Oh, I got
a ton of 'em.

Don't think about it.

Just get up here.

Hey.

Thanks for coming over.

I don't like the way
we left things the other day.

Wow, Bonnie.

You didn't have
to do all this.

Oh, no, I...

Yes, yes, I did.

I absolutely did.

Because I love you.

I love you, too. Mmm.

Look, I don't want to fight
about wedding stuff.

I don't either.
Let's just kick the can down the road.

Or, I've been thinking,
why don't we throw out

the can altogether?

What does that mean?

Let's just keep things
the way they are

and stay engaged forever.

But I want to marry you.

Well, I asked you six months ago
and you won't set a date.

You know, clearly, you don't
want to be the big candle.

I do. I do want to
be the big candle.

Let's just be happy
with what we have.

No.

Next year.

First weekend in June. Done.
Bonnie, Bonnie.

- We're doing it. I just did it.
- Bonnie, we don't...

Deal with it.
Order the doves.

- Esp...
- Watch this.

I'm gonna put it
in the calendar.

Adam Barnabus Janikowski,

did I just get played?

Still not my middle name.

And that depends.

Should I open this card

that's sitting in "my" flowers?

June it is.

♪♪
Synchronized by srjanapala

♪♪

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