All language subtitles for mom.s05e04.web.h264

Can I just say

what a miracle duct tape is?

It is literally holding
this building together.

Why do you even bother
with that toolbox?

Well, 'cause I need
scissors to cut the tape.

What are you doing?

Filling out law school applications.

Stanford? Oh, honey.

This is you thinking you had a shot

with Matt Dillon all over again.

Hey, we had some serious eye
contact at the supermarket.

He was memorizing your
face for the police report.

Well, I'm not actually
applying to Stanford.

I just picked up the brochure

to make the other applications nervous.

Well, why not send it in?

Maybe they have a quota

for bitter, lonely,
middle-aged alcoholics.

We can hope.

But meanwhile, each application
ends up costing like $200.

And everyone applies to at
least three or four schools.

- Oh.
- Oh?

What's that supposed to mean?
I shouldn't apply to law school?

I'm not gonna get anywhere,
so why even bother?

All I said was, Oh.

Sometimes I forget how much craziness

- you're lugging around in that coconut.
- Ugh.

I'm sorry.

This is stressful.

Maybe I should just pick one
school and pray I get accepted.

Oh, come on.

This is your future. Don't cheap out.

We'll just cut back
on some extravagances.

What extravagances?

Yesterday I had to sew a poorly
located hole in my underwear.

Well...

okay, how about those
fancy crackers you buy?

Again, Ritz Crackers are not fancy.

You're just fooled by the name.

Well, there's got to be something.

What's our biggest bill?

Probably cable and Internet.

We're not stealing cable?
What has happened to us?

We became better people
and that's very expensive.

Okay, well, let's give up cable
and Internet for a few months.

Really? You'd do that for me?

Thanks.

Now I can apply to all of them.

Oh.

- Even Stanford?
- Ugh. I don't think so.

Why set myself up for
getting my heart broken?

Well, if you change your mind

and your heart does break,

duct tape.

♪ ♪

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

I'm just saying, I've now given up pot,

pills, cocaine, alcohol

and most illegal activities,

but nothing has kicked my ass
like quitting the Internet.

No Facebook. No Twitter.

Ugh.

My 36 followers are probably
worried sick about me.

But Que sera.

I'm doing this for my daughter

because sobriety has transformed me

into a thoughtful, generous,
deeply empathic being.

Not to mention humble.

I was too humble to
say it, so thank you.

Thank you all.

Would anyone else like to share?

I'll go.

Hi, I'm Natasha and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Natasha.

I got to tell you guys, since I started

taking sobriety seriously,
great things keep happening.

I got a job.

I got an apartment.

I got my daughter back.

And then last night, I met this guy,

and I told him I'm a
songwriter, and guess what.

It turns out he's a big
deal in the music business

and wants to help me.

How unbelievable is that?

Entirely unbelievable.

Anyway, he says he's
gonna listen to my demo

and get right back to me.

She can't be this naive.

And if he likes it, he's
gonna fly me down to L.A.

for the weekend to lay down some tracks.

Something's gonna get laid
down, but it ain't tracks.

I get it. You're skeptical.

Without Internet, it's like

I'm much more aware
of the people around me

and I must say,

I don't like it.

On behalf of the people
around you, right back at you.

I'm worried about Jill.

Has anyone heard from her?

I texted her to see if she
was going to the meeting today,

but she said she was busy.

- She blew me off, too.
- Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Ever since Emily moved
back with Natasha,

Jill hasn't been herself.

Are you referring to the
800 pounds she's packed on?

Don't be mean.

It's not mean when I
say it behind her back.

Wendy, would you rather
I say horrible things

to you or behind your back?

I'd rather you didn't say anything.

Come on. Pick one, stupid.

Behind my back.

Ladies.

A friend of ours is in a tough situation

and we have to be patient,
caring and supportive.

Oh, dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis
has entered the building.

Hey, hey.

What do you think?

- Very striking.
- Thank you.

Is this why you couldn't
make the meeting?

Yeah, but it's okay.

All the stuff I would've
said in the meeting,

I said to my stylist.

- It's not the same thing.
- Tell me about it.

Weird to talk about yourself

and no one claps when you're done.

Jill, you need to
keep going to meetings.

I know, but I thought since I got sober,

my life's supposed to
get bigger and bigger.

Don't.

You know, I can't remember the last time

I read something printed on paper.

- It's weird, right?
- Yeah.

I keep trying to make it
bigger, but nothing happens.

Well, I'm enjoying being unplugged.

No more friends on Facebook

rubbing my nose in
their fancy vacations.

Oh, I know.

Then you think about
driving to their house,

breaking in and
stealing all their stuff.

- No?
- No.

Ooh, be right back.

Holy crap.

She's the one who stole my
iPod when I went to Reno.

Oh, hey there, Beverly.

No chitchat till my hall
light stops flickering.

Consider it done.

Hey, while I got you, I need
to update tenant information

- for the building owners.
- What do you need?

Oh, the usual, you know.

Your mother's maiden name,
street you grew up on,

name of your first pet, stuff like that.

Why would they need that?

Why do they need first
and last month's rent?

It's all nonsense to me.

I get it.

You're trying to crack
my Wi-Fi password.

Beverly, you were
probably the funniest kid

in your elementary
school, which was... ?

Fine. You want to play this game?

My mother's maiden name is Bautista;

I grew up on Front Street,

and my cat was named Rascal.

You still won't figure it out.

Oh, come on.

Beverly, you're acting crazy.

Bautista, Front, Rascal,
Bautista, Front, Rascal.

In closing, as the neglected
child of a transgender woman,

I think I can bring a unique perspective

to the University of Idaho.

Ah, that ought to put
me on top of the pile.

Hey, you got a minute?

Not really, but we both
know you're coming in anyway.

Okay. So, the guy I met,

his name is Teddy Blumenthal,

but everybody calls him Dr. Ted

'cause he's a big deal
in the music business

and he played a doctor
on a soap opera once.

Anyway,

he really liked my demo and
he wants to fly me down to L.A.

- Stop.
- What?

Sit.

Natasha, I'm the last person

who wants to crush anybody's dreams,

but this Dr. Ted isn't
who you think he is.

Most likely he just
wants to sleep with you.

No, no, I specifically
asked him about that.

He said he didn't.

Yeah, they say that.

Next thing you know,

he's got his hand down your pants

in the bathroom at a Chili's.

Why is it so hard for you

to believe that I'm a good songwriter

and this guy just wants to help me?

Because men don't just help women.

Have you never watched Dateline?

I should've known you
were gonna be like this.

You don't want anybody to
succeed 'cause your life sucks.

Hey.

I am one step away from
getting into law school

at the University of
the Yucatán Peninsula.

And if you didn't
want my honest opinion,

why'd you come over here?

'Cause I'm terrified and I
thought my friend and sponsor

might give me a little support.

And I need to borrow a roller bag.

Yeah, well, I don't have a roller bag.

Of course you don't 'cause
you ain't going nowhere.

Oh, God.

Why am I tormented by these giant women?

Hey, what are we watching?

- Dancing with the Stars.
- Oh, good.

Wish they could open their
curtains a little more.

Who is that dancing?

I think it's Greta Van Susteren.

Maybe Owen Wilson?

You think I'm being too hard on Natasha?

Let me think about it. Yes.

I didn't mean to discourage her.

- I just don't want her to get hurt.
- I get it.

But you got to remember,

pain and suffering is what
makes people interesting.

Well...

Oh.

- Speaking of which...
- What?

Jill is having a meltdown
at Neiman Marcus.

See? Everything about
that's interesting.

I'll get the keys.

Hey, what do you know?
It wasn't Greta or Owen.

It was the kid from Hanson.

Oh, hi.

Uh, we're looking for
our friend, Jill Kendall.

She shops here a lot.

A lot of women shop here a lot.

Big girl, might be weeping.

Room four.

- Jill, you in there?
- Yeah.

- Can we come in?
- Okay.

What's going on?

I've been shopping here for 20 years,

and now nothing fits.

Well, maybe you just need a bigger size.

There are no bigger sizes.

Even the socks are a little snug.

Jill, there are other
stores we could take you to.

Yeah, how about Target?

Target?

Why do you hate me?

We don't hate you, we love you.

If you loved me, you
would've said something

before I turned into... this.

We assumed you knew.

Yeah, and we thought
you were okay with it.

You were always bragging about

how you were picking up all these guys.

I lied.

The only men in my life were
Little Caesar and Papa John.

Ladies, everything okay in there?

Can I get you some champagne?

We can't have any champagne
because we love our sobriety

and our lives are finally on track!

Jill, honey,

the program isn't just about
meetings and bad coffee.

You also have to do the work.

You know, you have to dig down,

try to discover the
reasons you do what you do.

I know.

I just don't want to.

You guys know she's got a
soft serve machine back there?

Nothing like soft
serve to make you happy.

Mom, please, not the time.

Sorry. Want a lick?

A quick one.

Jill, you've got a hole inside.

You've had it your entire life.

You tried to fill it with
drugs and alcohol, sex...

And an ice cream machine.

What? It had to have played a role.

But there's nothing

that you can buy or eat or sleep with

that's gonna fix the real problem.

Well, all I know is I got
to do something different

because what I've been
doing sure ain't working.

That's a good start.

I think I'm gonna get me one of those.

The middle handle makes it a swirly.

I worked at a Dairy Queen.

Odd thing to be smug about.

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

- Hey.
- Hey.

I brought you an apology pizza.

My mom took a slice
when I wasn't looking,

so I guess two apologies.

Come on in.

So, how'd it go in L.A.?

- The truth?
- Bring it.

It was fantastic! You were so wrong.

Really?

Completely, totally,
embarrassingly wrong.

Here, look, Dr. Ted
sold one of my songs.

This is an advance.

He told me my prognosis was famous.

This is just for one song?

And you weren't at any point naked?

Ooh, that's another thing
you were wrong about.

Dr. Ted, super gay.

Like, lots of young
guys around his pool gay.

You sure he wasn't just
pretending to be gay

so he could get you into bed?

Oh, that doesn't work on me anymore.

So it all worked out?

It did, and Emily loved it there.

I mean, she got an epic sunburn
and looks like a Jolly Rancher,

but... she's excited about moving.

Wait, you're moving?

Yeah, we're gonna give L.A. a try.

Uh, Natasha, that...

that's wonderful.

Your dreams are really coming true.

Well, isn't that why you have dreams?

Damn it.

What?

Thanks to you, I have
to apply to Stanford.

Stanford?

That's a really hard school
to get into, isn't it?

What are you saying?

Well, I just don't want
your feelings to get hurt

if they don't... Oh, my God, I get it!

That's what you were doing to me.

You only seem like a
bitch 'cause you love me.

Yeah, well, that's
all I was trying to...

Shh, shh, shh, shh. My
creative juices are flowing.

♪ You only seem like a
bitch 'cause you love me ♪

♪ You only seem like a
bitch 'cause you care ♪

♪ You only seem like a
bitch 'cause you love me ♪

♪ With your big eyes and
your stringy blonde hair. ♪

Don't worry, that's not about you.

Ooh, I got to write that down.

She gonna join us at some point?

Not as long as the Wi-Fi here works.

Give her a Ziploc full of
Cheerios and a juice box,

she's a happy
three-year-old.

- Damn it.
- What?

Jill's Skyping during
my Game of Thrones binge.

You're laughing out
loud at Game of Thrones?

Yeah, reminds me of high school.

Oh, good, you're all there.

Where are you?

I'm in a limousine just
outside of Tucson, Arizona.

Oh, I love Arizona. They sell
fireworks in grocery stores.

So, the other night, after y'all left,

I did something Marjorie told me to do.

I sat quietly and I tried to meditate.

Next thing I knew, I was sobbing.

I'm talking uncontrollable sobbing.

I don't know if that's a
normal part of meditating,

but it caught me by surprise.

Why didn't you call one of us?

Oh, 'cause it was a good thing.

Feel like I cried over all the
stuff I've done to hurt myself.

All the drinking, all
the men, all the drugs.

Now it's food.

All 'cause I don't want
to face my feelings.

It's time for me to do...

No, no, no. Don't freeze. Don't freeze.

What are you doing? It's
not an Etch A Sketch.

That's what I'm gonna
do. What do you think?

- Terrific. Great!
- Proud of you.

So, I'm hoping while I'm at the spa,

I can fix that hole in myself.

They do classes on mindfulness and stuff

to open up your chakras.
It's real spiritual.

On the last day, you
get to talk to a horse.

Anyway, the next time you see me,

I'm gonna be...

You'll be what? A redhead? A juggler?

Married to the horse?

Maybe just smile and wave.

Bye, Jill.

Bring back some Roman candles.

Sounds like she'll be gone a while.

Well, I'm glad she's
taking care of herself.

Yeah.

Hey, you remember the
security code for her house?

I do. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Soft serve and a dip in the pool?

Check, please.

Oh, God, Jill's not
here. Who's gonna pay?

Impressive. How'd you do that?

I hate to admit it, but
Wendy showed me some tricks.

You look sad.

I kind of am.

See? You're in pain,
and now I'm interested.

What's going on?

I feel like applying to
Stanford was a huge mistake.

Why?

Now I'll be tortured for months
waiting to find out if I got in.

If I didn't, I'll be crushed.

And if I did, holy crap.

I'll have to go to Stanford.

Can... can we pause a second
and compare your life today

to where you were five years ago?

Your biggest problem used to be

how to give a satisfying
lap dance to a fat guy.

And now, you know, here you are worried

about getting into one of the
best schools in the country.

You're right.

Look at me with my classy problems.

Whatever happens, I'm just
proud of you for applying.

Thanks, Mom.

What?

Nothing.

Just you going to Stanford.

It's funny.

Hey, why don't you apply to
Harvard while you're at it?

Oh...

Oh, uh, hey, could I
see that for a second?

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh!

Looks like a job for duct tape!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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