All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S03E04.Inconceivable

Previously on "You Me Her"...

What...the fuck?

Oh, this day has
really taken a turn.

Whether it was the two of us
or the three of us,

this never
should have happened.

If you walk out that door,
don't call, don't text.

You are dead to me.

-You saw your dad?
-What's the idea here?

I'm walking you
to school.

Carmen: But you're still
getting divorced Monday

and driving back
to Seattle?

I start a business
and ask for some support,

and suddenly you're
working on a Saturday,

and you come home after
the girls are fed and in bed?

So you seriously think
I stayed at work

late on a Saturday
to piss you off?

And you haven't even started
community placement.

We help them with résumés,
job applications,

that kind of thing.

What do I do
in the meantime?

Hang out.
Get to know them.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Dudes, they get
crazy anxious

when they're sitting across
from a beautiful woman.

Are you anxious
right now?

I'm always anxious
around you.

Jack: Izzy. From the moment
I opened that hotel room door --

Izzy: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you about to
propose to me right now?

What? No.

Well, congratulations.
You're pregnant.

You have got to be
fucking kidding me.

♪♪

Doctor:
[ Distorted ] Emma?

Hey, uh, are you okay?

Did you hear what I said?

You need to take
a deep breath.

Okay? You really need to
just...calm yourself.

It's all good.

[ Breathing shakily ]

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

Kylie:
[ Distorted ] Em.

Emma.

[ Normal voice ] Emma!

Oh, um...
[ Telephone rings in distance ]

-Hey, you.
-Is everything okay?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

No. Things are, um --
They're good.

They're -- They're
really, really...super.

They are, um...

They're super.

Okay. Stop nodding.

Maybe you're coming down
with a little something?

[ Chuckles ]
That's one way to put it.

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

♪♪

Howdy.

Howdy.

Wow.

So, what was it
last night?

Why do you always want to know
about my weird dreams?

I'm the therapist.

They always
crack me up.

I decided it meant
you're a genius.

Well, it does.

Okay, well,
I was drifting down

this big, slow river
on a pizza-shaped floatie,

and I passed Jack
sitting on the riverbed

with his feet in the water,

and there was
a real-life tiger

just calming resting
beside him.

Oh, and the tiger
was wearing my clothes.

I don't know.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man, the way
your mind works, Peanut.

Don't.

Sorry.

[ Siren wails in distance ]

How long are you gonna keep
showing up like this?

Until you forgive me
or my project ends --

whichever comes first.

And then what? You're just
gonna disappear again

like a drunk ghost
in the night?

"Drunk ghost
in the night."

Oh, right.

I'm funny when
I'm trying to be mean --

so fucking annoying.

I'm not gonna ghost
on you.

What? That's a saying, right?
Kids say that.

Yes, but you
definitely shouldn't.

[ Scoffs ]

♪♪

[ Knocks at door ]

Hello?

[ Knocks ]

Do you have
an appointment?

You can just come in.

[ Breathily ]
I'm very troubled, Doctor.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Well, um, okay.

Could you
be more specific --

maybe using a breathier voice
with crazier eyes,

like Winona Ryder eyes?

See it.

I'm very into the idea
of getting caught.

Is that bad?

Am I bad?

It's chronic exhibitionism,

level three paraphilia --
s-serious stuff.

Say that again.

Level. Three.
Paraphilia.

You know what I like.

♪ So touch me ♪

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ And touch me again ♪

♪ Yeah, touch me ♪

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ I know you... ♪

You know, I didn't actually
come here to office-fuck you.

[ Groans ]

I know.
I was just saying "Hey."

I'm on my way
to Directions.

You know
what they say --

"Life is what happens
when you're busy
making other plans."

Please stop quoting
motivational posters.

It's an occupational
hazard.
[ Laughs ]

I, um...
this, um...

Wow.
[ Music stops ]

Your erection
is very distracting.

Oh. Imagine how it is
from this end.

[ Giggles ]

These are cute.

Mm-hmm.

You know what would
look really good

on this tiny finger
right there?

Jack, stop.

I know.

You literally got divorced
a month and a half ago,

and you know that
I need to focus on, like,

getting
my life-shit sorted.

Mm.
How will I know?

Um, but I have
an idea.

Okay.

Why don't I propose to you
when you least expect it?

Okay, but you're gonna
have to ask Gabe

for permission first.

Okay.
We're a highly
traditional family.

Mm.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Yeah.

Uh, my insider tip
would be to offer him goats.

Seems reasonable.

That should get it done.

Look, I have to go.

No.
I know.

I have to save more
hard-scrabble teens, you see?

[ Giggles ]

I'm kidding.
I'm not saving anybody.

I'm just getting
free manicures.

Mm.
I love you.

I love you.

♪♪

♪♪

8 ball, corner pocket.

God damn it!

Rematch.

Uh, no.
It's Sasha's turn.

I'll humiliate you
again later.

Hey, don't get too cocky,
White Guilt.

That's how
all kingpins fall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have a seat.

Will you help me?

Um, ah, racker is just
right under there.

[ Pool balls clatter ]

You want to break?

[ Scoffs ] No.

You sure?
Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Will you
pass me that?

Thank you.

How'd you
get so good?

Uh, well,
when I was a kid,

my dad used to leave me
at a bar while he did --

I don't know -- God knows what
in the back.

The bartender
felt sorry for me,

so she taught me
how to play.

By the time I was 12,
I could beat her.

Huh.

Yeah,
boo-hoo, right?

The upside is I made
all my college beer money

sharking arrogant frat boys,
so that was good.

My dad...

Heaven for him
would be Willy Wonka's factory

but filled with
all the drugs.

[ Scoffs ]

Mom?

Dead. Yours?

Vodka and pills --
mostly pills.

Blows.

Hmm, pretty sure dead mom
is worse.

Oh, yeah -- dead mom
wins every time.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Pool balls clatter ]

I'm getting this sinking feeling
it's gonna be

another five years before
she's ready to have a kid.

[ Grunts ]

What'd you expect?
I mean, she's 27.

Yeah, which j-just --
just happens to be

the national average,
by the way.

For women
getting PhDs?

Fair, but she was super into it
before Emma left.

All caught up
in the crazy.

[ Ball smacks ]

Do you think...
there's anything like

those therapeutic
pet cafés

except with babies
instead of cats and dogs?

[ Ball bounces ]

I know,
it's weird.

I'm like that
super-weird baby dude.

Until you
impregnate someone,

you can just keep bribing
your preternaturally wise nephew

to do this father/son shit
with you.

Fine, but I'm gonna have to
start giving you some advice.

Go ahead.

You need some --
some insider tips

on scoring a girlfriend?

[ Scoffs ]
I've got three of those.

Fuck.

♪♪

Babe.
Yep?

We got to go soon,
so you're gonna have to

wrap up the standing coma.

Oh, yeah, cool.
A-Absolutely.

Seriously, are you sick
for real?

Uh, I think, maybe.

You know, I haven't been
sleeping well lately,

and my -- my left ear
is clogged,

which is
very disorienting.

I also think
I'm coming down

off the Halloran Building,
you know,

a little "Ahh!"
followed by some "Uhh."

That's a lot of stuff.

It really is.

But it's rally time.

Jett and Kim
are one of Seattle's

top five lesbian
power couples,

and if they like us,
we get matching broaches

based on Georgia O'Keeffe's
"Black Iris."

So cool.
Like a pride thing?

No, babe,
I'm just kidding.

We're not really getting
matching vagina broaches.

Yeah, I knew that.

Maybe you should
go get dressed.

Yeah.

[ Groaning ] I'll just
clean this up.

Let me by.

I'll just take care
of everything here.

That's great.

[ Normal voice ]
Leave this out here --

Your banana
on the coffee table?

Gabriel?

Hmm?

Did you feed this
to Callie?

Uh, yeah.
I think so.

This is Lily's food.
This is for an infant.

She didn't seem to mind.

Callie's a toddler.
She gets solid food.

We left Dino Nuggets for her
in the fridge.

She loves Dino Nuggets.

Didn't strike me
as nutritious.

I-I made a judgment call.

Also, I ate them.

Unbelievable.

I promised her
Dino Nuggets,

and you fed her this whipped --
whatever the hell this is.

She must have been
devastated.

Dave.

Yes?

Come here. Sit down.
You need to see this.

What, the "Fluppies"?

I've seen, like,
a thousand hours of this shit.

It's basically
a hypnotic babysitter.

Dude,
they're so beautiful.

The one that's cooing
is empathy,

the orange one is joy,

and the red one
is unconditional love.

They all live together
in Fluppville,

which is the human soul.

With every adventure,

they're just figuring it
all out together, you know?

And the maps they get

from the Dalmatian-professor
thing --

I mean, that's --
that's the journey of life.

[ Door opens in distance ]

Maybe it's their Bible.
I'm not really sure yet.

[ Door closes ]

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Extremely.

Later.

Thank you, Gabriel.

You want to know
what young Socrates did?

He fed Lily's food to Callie
and ate the Dino Nuggets

because he's so stoned
he thinks the "Fluppies"

have some deeper meaning.

Oh, yeah,
the, uh, human-soul thing.

Yeah, everybody
knows that.

Well, shit.

I mean,
he was clearly high.

Oh, my God.
Did you call the police?

Oh, you're
making fun of me?

Really, really
funny stuff.
[ Laughs ]

He also left a mess, by the way,
which I'm cleaning up.

He's a teenager
we employ for two hours

while I'm right next door.

Lower the bar a little --
Nobody died.

That's your bar now?
Super.

Hey, why don't we just
let the kids

hang out
by themselves, huh,

put out some knives
and aerosol cans,

see what happens?

David.

I don't think that tone
is necessary.

I appreciate you
coming home early,

but it's not enough.

If you have a problem
with Gabriel

and you're dead-set
against daycare,

then let's start
interviewing nannies,

because I need
five hours a day.

[ Moans ]

Stop rubbing your face
like a crazy person

and use your words.

Three years old,
right?

We agreed that
before we started talking

about nannies
and daycare,

the girls would be
three years old.

And it's not the U.S.
fucking Constitution.

This is a discussion we had
a million years ago.

You know what
this is?

Every since Hannah
moved in next door,

the only thing I can say
that doesn't piss you off

is "Yes, honey."

And it's bullshit.

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

Me, wine, bathtub --
You know the drill.

♪♪

Fucking Fluppies.

[ Insects chirping ]

Kim: Jett did
the sweetest thing.

She saw this man --

quite dirty with
this long, tangled beard...

Oh. [ Laughs ]

...walking along
this rocky road,

and you know
what she did?

She gave that man

her favorite
Isabel Marant sandals.

[ Gasps ]

How amazing.

It's, uh, breathtaking,
apparently.

[ Quietly ] Really?

Building a bridge, one act
of kindness at time,

never asking
for recognition or --

I got a gorgeous photo.

It's being framed
as we speak.

Kim has such an eye.

We only had
to reenact once.

You can see it on our Instagram
and Facebook pages.

And in the July issue
of "Curve" magazine.

[ Normal voice ]
That's so selfless.

It's really...touching.

But that's not why
we invited you.

We're adopting a baby.

Yay!

Wait, I thought
we all knew that.

Kylie said that's why
you went to Venezuela.

But it's official now!

[ Squealing, laughter ]

Ah!

Oh, sit --
not necessary.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, no. I'm --
I'm -- I'm okay. Thank you.

You don't like
the 2011 Bordeaux?

We practically
stole it.

$350 for a Wine Spectator
Top 25 --

Don't tell anyone.
We could get arrested.

Oh, well,
head for the border.

I'm terrible
at keeping secrets.

So, when's your bundle of joy
gonna show up?

[ Coughs ]

Do you plan to adopt
or inseminate?

I think you
should adopt.

There's so many children
in this world --

Neither of us
wants any children

of any shape, size,
or color.

Is she gonna be okay?

She walked into a wall
right before we came here,

and I'm begging to think
she's concussed...

Excuse me.
...so we should probably
just get her out of here

and to a hospital,
like, right away.

Come on.
Let's go, babe.

Thank you for having me.

♪ Pinch me ♪

♪ And wake me
from this slumber ♪

[ TV plays indistinctly ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

What's --?

Is something
the matter?

Yeah.

My stalker dad
showed up again.

There's this persistent
little voice in my head

saying that he's
up to something.

Hmm.

You think
your estranged father

came to town to pull off
a long con,

steal your
dozens of dollars?

Shut up.

Ow! [ Scoffs ]

I got an idea.
Why don't we take him to dinner?

[ Scoffs ]
Oh, yeah.

Aww, my boyfriend
meeting my dad.

I mean, if he hadn't been
an adulterous drunk

who abandoned me

and you and I hadn't met
while I was escorting

and then started pulling
threesomes with your wife,

then that would be
so fucking [laughs] adorable.

[ Snorts ]

Wait. You're serious?

I am serious.

Want to meet my dad?

We both know you were born
without an intuition gland,

so I can smoke him out,
see if he's on the up and up.

What?

And if not...boom.

I'll take him out.
[ Laughs ]

[ Bottle clatters ]

You're very cute
when you're trying
to take care of me.

♪♪

Jack Trakarsky?

Yes?

[ Inhales softly ]

♪♪

My phone.

It's right there.
Mm-hmm.

Yep.
What?

Oh, it's Nina problems.

I-I didn't even hear it.

Yeah, well,
you know what they say.

Ears -- first to go.

Mwah! Bye.

I thought it was
the knees.

Those, too.

♪♪

I almost proposed
to Jack.

That's awesome!

Nina?

Nina: Hmm?

Why is Shaun making dinner
in your kitchen?

Oh, wait, wait --
Are you two doing it?

Please.
He's basically my slave.

Huh?

Okay, well, then,
I'm gonna go, so...

Can you just
add everything

and let it simmer
for 15 minutes?

Unfortunately,
I can't paint your bedroom

on Saturday anymore.

Uhh.

[ Groans ]

[ Inhales sharply ]

Okay, whatever that is,
it's not healthy.

Yeah, that would worry me

coming from
just about anybody else.

Uh, back to
my almost proposal.

Okay.

Let's really drill into that
while you massage my feet.

In what world do people
massage your feet all the time?

Mm, I haven't named it yet,
but I'm the queen,

I never get hangovers,
and I can eat whatever I want.

Spill it --
So, how did you go

from "Slow the fuck down"
to almost proposing?

Okay, I love him,
he wants to meet my dad,

there was pizza.

Oh, yeah, heady blend.

Dude, the words
were in my mouth.

Five more seconds, I would have
a ring on my finger.

What ring?
There's -- There's a ring?

Yeah, well,
I-I'm not sure,

but I-I think he hid
my engagement ring

in his underwear drawer.

[ Chuckling ]
You haven't looked?

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

Ooh, interesting.

And why do you
think that is?

Um...

Well, it's obvious.

I'm -- I'm terrified
that it's really there,

and I'm equally terrified
that it's not.

Mm!
Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Okay, so what happened
after you almost proposed?

Well, that's the thing.

I--I-I faked
a Nina emergency,

and I, like,
ran the fuck out of there.

Okay, so you parent-trapped him
with his wife,

pulled the nostalgic threesome
with her,

you shot down
his proposal to you,

almost proposed to him,

and then you randomly
sprinted out.

No, there's no point.
What is your point?

It just makes me feel
way better

about my own mental health.

Like, I feel really good
about myself right now.

You're the worst.

[ Groans ]

♪♪

♪ Got my own way ♪

Emma: Oh, no more.

Please, God, no more.

[ Toilet flushes ]

Oh, this is
so fucked up.

Hi.

Um...

Take your time.

What?

Watching you whip up
some five-star bullshit

is often more enjoyable
than the bullshit itself.

Do Super Lesbians
cook with scallops or nuts?

Or chicken?

If it's undercooked, I also have
issues with chicken.

Perhaps it was
the foam.

You're pregnant.

I am that, yes,

for which I am
very, very sorry.

Will you say something?

Please. Anything.

[ Siren wails in distance ]

Emma: What? No.
It's my fault.

Before you left,
I should've explained to you

that there is
no version of closure

that requires
a man's penis.

Well, I --
Stop.

I swear to God,
if you say

that there is
a version of closure

where you confirm
your homosexuality

by having unsatisfactory
intercourse with your husband,

I swear I will...snap.

Do you hear me?

Yeah.

I hear you.

What was I thinking?

God, I know better.

I fucking know better --
goddamn tourist lesbian.

No.

No, I was
a tourist lesbian, but now...

now I am
a permanent resident.

Ky, I'm sorry.

It was a massive mistake,

and now the universe
is seriously fucking with me,

which...
[ Laughs ]

...which I deserve.

Did you have unprotected sex
with a man, Emma?

Yeah?

Then leave the fucking universe
out of it.

God damn it, Kylie,
if it wasn't a mistake,

I would still be in Portland
and not here with you

begging for
your forgiveness.

If you still want this,
I still want this.

♪♪

I-I'm gonna...

I'm gonna advance slowly.

I can get some assurance
you're not gonna punch me,

because I'm a bleeder.

Love favors the bold.

It's a lazy
and shitty excuse,

but I honestly have no idea
how it happened.

And as soon as it did,
we -- we both realized

Mistake?
it was a massive --

Yeah.

Absolutely.

♪♪

♪♪

Meaning this is still not
something you want?

It's not something
that we want?

♪♪

I'll go with you.

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

[ Groans ]

What?

Sorry.
Go back to sleep.

[ Moans ]

I got to pee,
and your face was there

looking all soft and pretty,
so I couldn't resist.

Come here.

Don't put the words
"pee" and "your face"

that close together
in a sentence again.

Noted.

Hey, Jack...

[ Exhales sharply ]

Uh, if you would've told me
two months ago

that I would
be saying this,

I would've laughed
in your face, but...

I do want you
to meet my father.

Yeah?

He's been walking me to school
for over a month,

and he's always on time
and he always brings me coffee.

He asks about you.

He thinks
I'm hiding something,

like maybe you're
a Cocker Spaniel

or super old
or a super-old Cocker Spaniel,

or a --

Mm.

Meetin' your dad --
sweet.

Yeah.

It's often
a precursor to --

Don't.

Go pee.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

Oh, you're back?

Come here.

I'm keeping
your side warm.

I missed you so much.

While I was peeing?
Yeah.

♪♪

[ Indistinct chatter ]

♪♪

♪♪

You have
a right to know.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪