All language subtitles for South.Park.S01E01.1080p.BluRay.X264-SHORTBREHD-en

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And now a fireside chat

with the creators of
Comedy Central's "South Park, "

Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

[gentle music]

Hi, I'm Trey Parker.
-And I'm Matt Stone.

And this here's ole Scratch.
Say hi, ole fellow.

We do a show called
"South Park."

[both laugh softly]

[male voice] Matt and Trey, tell us
a little bit about yourselves.

Well, l-l met Matthew
at the University of Colorado

where l was
going to film school.

I actually met him
in Beginning Filmmaking class.

I met him and found someone
who could make me laugh,

even when I felt like crying.

[male voice] Guys, who would you say
are your role models?

Well, I'd have to say
my biggest role model

is Matt.

I guess I'd have to say mine

is Theodore Roosevelt,
for his work

with the Rough Riders
in the Spanish American War.

[male voice] Matt and Trey,
tell us about this episode.

This episode is called
"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe,"

and it's our favorite episode.

In it, Kyle's baby brother Ike
gets abducted by aliens,

and Cartman has strange things
implanted in his ass.

I think that the reason
this episode is--

well, ole Scratch's favorite,
anyway,

is because it's
the only episode that

Matt and | animated
completely by ourselves.

You see,
this was the pilot episode,

done before we had a series.

So Matt and I had to do
the whole thing by ourselves.

For several months,
we were locked into

a cold, dark, little room

for long periods of time.

[male voice] You know, that "Kick the
Baby" game looks like fun.

Have you guys ever
played it personally?

Well, neither
Trey or l have children.

That's right,
the only family we have

is each other
and ole Scratch here.

We're not married yet.
- We can't even get dates.

But the truth is,
until we have children,

we're not gonna know whether
or not we're gonna kick them.

[male voice] You guys seem to write
alien encounter material

with a certain, uh, knowledge.

Have either of you
actually ever been abducted?

Trey, it's okay.

Go ahead and tell.

I grew up very near
to South Park,

and so I was abducted
when l was a small child.

I remember the experience.

I remember how horrible it was.

I remember too much.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy

"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."

[gentle music]

[twangy music]

J‘ I'm going down
to South Park J‘

J‘ Gonna have
myself a time J‘

all: J‘ Friendly faces
everywhere J‘

J‘ Humble folks
without temptation J‘

- J‘ Going down
to South Park J‘

J‘ Gonna leave my
woes behind I

- J‘Ample parking
day or night J‘

J‘ People spouting:
"Howdy neighbor!" J‘

- J‘ Headed on up
to South Park J‘

J‘ Gonna see if
I can't unwind J‘

- [singing indistinctly]

- J‘ So come on down
to South Park J‘

J‘ And meet some
friends of mine J‘

all: J‘ School days
school days teachers... J‘

Ah, damn it, my little
brother's trying to follow me

to school again.
- [babbling]

Ike, you can't come
to school with me.

[babbling]
- Yeah, go home,

you little dildo.

Dude, don't call
my brother a dildo.

What's a dildo?
- I don't know.

And I'll bet Cartman
doesn't know either.

I know what it means.

Well, what?

I'm not telling you.

- What's a dildo, Kenny?

- [mumbling]

[laughter]

Yeah, that's what Kyle's
little brother is, all right.

[cries]
- Ow.

[laughs]
- Dude, that kicks ass.

Yeah, check this one out.

Ready, Ike?
Kick the baby.

Don't kick the baby.

Kick the baby.

Aah!

[yawns]

Whoa, Cartman,

looks like you didn't
get much sleep last night.

That's because I was having
these bogus nightmares.

Really?
What about?

Well, I dreamt that
I was lying in my bed,

in the dark.

When all of a sudden

this bright blue light
filled the room.

[ship whirring]

And slowly my bedroom
door began to open.

And then the next thing
I remember,

I was being drug
through a hallway.

[whines]

Then I was lying
on a table,

and these scary aliens
wanted to operate on me.

And they had big heads
and big black eyes.

Dude, visitors.
- Totally.

What?
- That wasn't a dream, Cartman.

Those were visitors.

No, it wasjust a dream.
My mom said so.

Visitors are real.
- Yeah.

They abduct people
and they mutilate cows.

Oh, shut up, you guys,

you're just trying
to make me scared.

And it's not working.

Hello there, children.

all: Hey, Chef.

What's gonna be
for lunch today, Chef?

Well, today
it's Salisbury steak

with buttered noodles
and a choice

of green bean casserole
or vegetable medley.

Kick ass.

Say,
did any of you children

see the alien spaceship
last night?

Huh?
- Yeah, fat boy saw it.

No, that--
that was just a dream.

And I'm not fat.
I'm big boned.

Oh, was it the ones
with the big long heads

and the black eyes?

Oh!
- They took him on their ship.

Oh, did they give you
an anal probe?

Oh!
- What's an anal probe?

That's when they put
this big metal hoop-a-joop

up your butt.

Whoa, they gave you
an anal probe, Cartman?

No, I mean...
why would they do that?

Dude, they did, huh?

Aliens stuck stuff up your ass.

No.
- An probe.

Shut up, dildo.

Well, I got to get
to the cafeteria.

You children watch
that fat boy, now.

He could be under
alien control.

[eerie music]

[hip-hop playing]

We told you
they were real, Cartman.

Sorry to hear
about your ass.

God damn it, they didn't
do anything to my ass.

It was just a dream.

Why you walking
so funny, Cartman?

Shut up.
- [babbles]

No, Ike, go home.
- [squeals]

This is it,
this one's for the game.

[babbles]
- Kick the baby.

Uaughs]

Good morning,
Miss Crabtree.

Sit down,
we're running late!

Damn it,
he's still there.

Oh, don't worry about him.

No, dude,
if something happens to him,

my parents are
gonna blame me.

Sit down back there!
Aah!

Yeah, whatever,
you fat bitch.

What did you say?

I said I have a bad itch.

Oh.

gasps}
Oh, my God!

Visitors.

[mumbling]

Ike!
Stop the bus!

Miss Crabtree,
you have to stop this bus.

Do you want
an office referral?

No.
- Then sit down!

But I...

[both screaming]

Aah!

Cartman, are those
the same visitors you saw?

Shut up, you guys,
it's not working.

We have to
do something.

Well, we can't
do anything for now.

That fat bitch won't let us.

What did you say?

I said that
rabbits eat lettuce.

Oh.
Well, yes, they certainly do.

[children groan]

What am I gonna do?

My little brother's
been abducted by aliens.

[farts]
You farted.

[laughter]

Somebody's baking brownies.

[twangy music]

J‘J‘

That's the third cow
this month.

At this rate,
all my cattle are gonna die

before the winter's through.

[cows moo curiously]

This is nothing
out of the unusual.

Cows turn themselves
inside out all the time.

People been saying they've
been seeing UFOs around.

UFOs?
Uaughs]

Yeah, and black army
CIA helicopters and trucks.

That's the silliest thing
I've ever heard.

What was that?

That--that was a pigeon.

What am I supposed to do,
Barbrady?

Just stand here
and watch my cattle

get mutilated one by one?

[whistling]

[cows mooing excitedly]

Hey, my cattle!

[mooing continues]

You see?

There is something
funny going on.

There's nothing
funny going on.

I'll get those cows back.

And now, children,

our friend Mr. Hat
is going to tell us

about Christopher Columbus.

That's right,
Mr. Garrison,

Christopher Columbus
discovered America,

and was the Indians'
best friend.

He helped the Indians
win their war against

Frederick Douglas,

and freed the Hebrews
from Napoleon.

And discovered France.

Oh, man.
I can't just sit here.

I have to help
my stupid brother.

I'll come home
without him

and my dad will
start yelling,

"Where's your brother,
Kyle?

You weren't looking out for
your little brother, Kyle."

Okay, okay, let's
ditch school and go find him.

"You know he can't think
on his own, Kyle.

"Brush and floss, Kyle.

Where has that
finger been, Kyle?"

Dude.

Is there a problem, boys?

Yes, Mr. Garrison,
I have to go now.

Oh really, Kyle?

What is it this time,
another prostate tumor?

No, my little brother's
been abducted by aliens.

It's true.
Ask Cartman.

They gave him an anal probe.

[laughs sheepishly, stammers]
That's a little joke.

Mr. Garrison, seriously,
I have to go.

Can I please be
excused from class?

I don't know, Kyle.
Did you ask Mr. Hat?

I don't want
to ask Mr. Hat!

I'm asking you!

Oh, I think
you should ask Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat, may I please
be excused from class?

Well, Kyle, no.

You hear me?
You go to hell.

You go to hell
and you die.

Hm, I guess you'll have to
take your seat, Kyle.

Damn it.

Ha-ha,
Mr. Hat yelled at you.

[farts violently]
Ow, my ass!

Damn, Cartman.

[farting violently]

Ow, my ass!

Dude, he's farting fire.

It's the alien anal probe.

It's shooting fire
from Cartman's rectum.

No,
that was just a dream.

Eric, do you need to
sit in the corner

until your flaming gas
is under control?

No, Mr. Garrison,
I'm fine.

[farts violently]

[screaming]

[twangy music]

J‘J‘

Hey, you cows can't
get on this train.

This is a people train.

You cows have no business
on a people train, all right?

'cause you're cows.

No, no, no.

Don't try any of that cow
hypnosis on me, all right?

'Cause it's not gonna work.

Hold it right there,
cows.

[cows mooing]

Come back here.
[exclaims]

[indistinct chatter]

[farts violently]
Aah!

Ooh.
I sure am hungry.

How can you eat when
you're farting fire?

Shut up, dude, you're
being totally immature.

Hey, look,
there's Wendy Testaburger.

[gasps]
Where?

[romantic music]

J‘J‘

J‘ Stan wants to kiss
Wendy Testaburger J‘

Shut up, fat ass.
I don't even like her.

I'm not fat and
you obviously like her

because you throw up
every time she talks to you.

I do not.

Hi, guys.
all: Hi, Wendy.

Here, Stan,
this is for you.

[vomits]
- Eww.

all: Bye, Wendy.

Dude, what does
the note say?

Holy crap,

it says she wants to
meet me at Stark's Pond

afierschooL

Whoa,
maybe you can kiss her.

Or slip her the tongue.

[mumbling]

What, how do you
know she has a cat?

[laughter]

Come on, you guys,

we need to figure out
how to get out of school

so we can get
my little brother back.

Hello there, children.
all: Hey Chef.

How are you doing?
- Bad.

Why bad?
- Chef,

have you ever had
something happen to you

but nobody believed you?

Oh, children, children.

That's a problem
we've all had to face

at some time or another.

Here, let me sing you
a little song.

It might clear things up.

J‘ I'm gonna make love
to you woman J‘

J‘ Gonna lay you down
by the fire J‘

J‘ And caress your
womanly body J‘

J‘ Make you moan
and perspire J‘

J‘ Gonna get J‘
- Uh, Chef?

J‘ Those juices flowing J‘
- Chef.

J‘ We're making love baby J‘
- Chef!

J‘ Love baby
love love love love baby J‘

Chef!

Huh?

Do you feel better?
- No.

Oh, come on, children,
what can be so bad?

It's Salisbury steak day.

Visitors took
Kyle's baby brother.

What?
[items clattering]

What the hell do you
think you're doing

in school eating
Salisbury steak?

Go find him, damn it.

Mr. Garrison won't
let us out of school.

He thinks
we're making it up.

You are making it up.

[farts violently]

[mechanical whirring]

Whoa.

What?
- That was cool.

It's some kind of symbionic
metamorphosis device.

This can mean the visitors
want to communicate with us.

Oh, I see.

Now you're gonna join in
on the little joke, huh?

It's no joke, children.
This is big.

Please, Chef, if I don't
get out of school

and get my brother back
from the aliens,

my parents are
gonna disown me.

Uh, hold on, now.
Hold on, now.

You got to help
the children.

Hey, you guys sure
are going a long way

to try and scare me.

I want my Salisbury steak!

Fire drill,
fire drill.

Everybody out.

Okay, children,
this is your chance.

Killer.
Thanks, Chef.

[alarm blaring]

Man, oh, man.

First contact with
the alien visitors.

I've got to
get myself ready.

all: J‘ We got out
ofschooli

J‘ No more
school today J‘

J‘ We got out of school J‘

[farts violently]
Oh, you guys!

My ass, seriously!

Okay, Cartman, you can stop
farting fire now.

I would if! could,
you son of a bitch.

Okay, so how do we get
my little brother back?

Hey, would you stop going on
about your little brother?

I know
it was just a dream.

I know I didn't
have an anal probe.

And I know that
I'm not under alien control.

[radio static]

J‘ I love to singa J‘

J‘About the moona and the juna
and the springa J‘

J‘ I love to singa J‘

I About a sky of blue
or tea for two J‘

[radio static]

What the hell was that?

He is under
alien control.

That thing in his butt

is linked up
to the visitors.

Oh, son of a bitch.

You guys shut up.

I'm not under alien control.

Hey, if you visitors
can hear me...

Hey.
- Bring me back

my little brother,
God damn it!

Ow, that hurts,
you butt Iicker!

Kyle, look, it's them.

Give me back
my brother!

[dramatic music]

[muffled groan]

Oh, my God,
they killed Kenny!

You bastards!

Come back here!

Come back!

Damn it!
We were so close.

Hey, look,
I think Kenny's okay.

[mumbling]

[cows mooing]

Oh.

[mumbling]

[siren wailing]

[solemn music]

Wow, poor Kenny.

Now do you believe us,
Cartman?

No.

Cartman,
they killed Kenny.

He's not dead.

Dude, Kenny is dead.

See?

Shut up, you guys.

He's dead, Cartman.

God damn it, I didn't
have an anal probe!

Screw you guys.
I'm going home.

Go on and go home,
you fat chicken.

Dildo!

You're all I have left,
Stan.

Sorry, dude, I gotta
go meet Wendy Testaburger.

You can't.
Poor Ike must be so scared.

Up there all alone.

You gotta help me dude.

Dude, like Chef says,

I gotta get
a piece of loving

while the getting's hot.

Rats.

[bright music]

Hello, Eric.

Hi, Morn.

How are you doing?

Well, I'm pissed off.

Here, I made you powdered
donut pancake surprise.

I don't want powdered
donut pancake surprise.

All the kids in school
call me fat.

You're not fat,
you're big boned.

That's what I said.

You can have an
eensy-weensy bit, can't you?

No.

Just a weensy-eensy
woo-woo?

No, leave me alone, Mom.

How about a nice chocolate
chicken pot pie then?

But...wel|,
that sounds pretty good.

Uh, Mom?

Yes, hon?

If anybody calls
or comes over,

I'm not here, okay?

Sure, hon.

You want some
Cheesy Poofs too?

Yeah,
I want Cheesy Poofs.

Well, looks like she's
not gonna show up, Stan.

Let's go look for
the visitors now.

But her note said
she'd be here.

Hi, Stan.

[vomits]
- Ew.

You can't talk to Stan,
Wendy.

He throws up when you do.

But why, Stan?

[vomits]
- Ew.

Look, could you guys
just get down to business

so we can find
my little brother?

Huh?

Just make sweet love
down by the fire.

What happened to
your little brother?

As the reports of
UFO sightings increase,

more mysterious crop circle
patterns are appearing

in fields all around
South Park.

These crop circles,
when viewed from above,

form strange patterns.

Hey, that kind of
looks Iike...Tom Selleck.

Could it be that
aliens are trying to

make contact with us,
here on Earth?

[meows]

No, kitty,
this is my pot pie.

[meows]
No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!

[meows]
No, kitty, this is my pot pie!

[hisses]
Mom, kitty's being a dildo.

Well, then I know
a certain kitty kitty

who's sleeping
with Mommy tonight.

What?

And now I have to
go home without him,

and my parents are
gonna have me killed.

Well, why didn't you go
get the fat kid?

Why?
- Well...

if the fat kid has something
implanted in his ass,

maybe the visitors
are using him

as part of their plan.

You should use
the fat kid as bait

to bring them back.

Hey,
you're right, Wendy.

Come on, Stan, we have
to go get Cartman.

Come on, Stan.
- [vomits]

Ew.

Hey, wait.

When do I get to
make sweet love?

[meows]

No, kitty,
you can't have any.

[meows]

No, kitty,
this is my pot pie!

[farts violently]
Bad kitty!

Oh.
Excuse me, kitty.

[glass shatters]

Eric, look who's here.

Dude, weak, Mom.

Come on, Eric, we're gonna
go play at the bus stop.

I can't.
My mom says--

That's okay, Eric.

I think you need
to spend time

with your little friends.

But Mom, I don't want
to spend time with my...

Don't be difficult, Eric.

Now, you go out and play
in the fun snow.

God damn it.

[meows]

You guys,
I have to get home.

Don't be such
a fraidy cat, Cartman.

This rope will make sure

they can't take you
on board again.

Oh, man, this sucks.

How come the visitors
aren't coming for him?

I think we have
to signal them somehow.

[farts violently]
Ow!

Hey, he's like Rudolph.

Yeah, all you have to do is
fart some more, Cartman,

and the visitors
are sure to come.

Really?

Uh, I don't think I have
to fart anymore tonight.

Sure you do.

Come on, Cartman, fart.

I don't wanna.

He can't hold it in forever.

Fart, damn you!

Okay, that does it.

Now, listen,

why is it that
everything today

has involved things
either going in

or coming out
of my ass?

[farts violently]
I'm sick of it.

It's completely immature.

Hey, it's happening again.

[mechanical whirring]

Whoa, look at that.

Now do you believe us,
Cartman?

You guys can't scare me.

I know
you're making it all up.

Cartman, there's
an 80-foot satellite dish

sticking out of your ass.

Sure, you guys.
Whatever.

[satellite pinging]

Oh, boy,

the aliens are going
to make first contact.

Hey, down here!

We are ready
for your wisdom!

And you only
got 20 minutes

before "Sanford and Son"
is on.

You guys,
I am seriously

getting pissed off
right now!

I know there's
no such thing as aliens!

Oh, God damn it!

What the--?

I tell you, there's crazy stuff
going on in this town.

You can say that again,
Mr. Garrison.

Come down here,
you stinking aliens.

[eerie music]

Uh, uh...

Go on, Kyle,

ask them for
your little brother back.

V-visitors,

this morning
you took my brother, Ike.

He's the little freckled kid

that looks like a football.

At first I was happy
you took him away.

But I've learned
something today.

That having
a little brother

is a pretty special thing.

Yeah.
- Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors,

I'm just a kid all alone
in this crazy world.

But if you can find it
in your hearts

or whatever you have

to give my brother
back to me,

it sure would make
my life brighter again.

That was beautiful, dude.

Did it work?

Nope, they're leaving.

Hey,
you scrawny assed [bleep]!

What the [bleep] is
wrong with you?

You must be
some kind of [bleep]

to be able to ignore
a crying child!

Whoa, dude.

You know what
you [bleep] like?

You like to [bleep]...

[bleeps continue]

Hey, Wendy,
what's a [bleep]?

[babbles]

Ike, jump down, now!

For the love of God,
Ike, jump!

Don't hurt me.

[cows mooing]

Moo.

Come on, Ike.

I promise I'll be nice
to you from now on.

Don't kick the baby.

What the hell are
they talking about?

Ike!

Ike, do your impersonation
of David Caruso's career!

It's my turn.

You guys,
get me down from here!

[farts violently]
Help!

Help!

Sons a bitches!

Dildo!

Phew, I'm sure glad
that's over with.

Yeah, boy, am I glad
to see you, Ike.

[babbles]
Fly in the sky.

Wait.

Where are you going,
alien visitors?

Come back.

Well, Chef, where's
this amazing thing

you were gonna show us?

Well, it's in
the bedroom, ladies.

Come on in.

Come on, Ike,

we can make it
just in time for dinner.

Thanks for your help,
Wendy.

Whatever, dude.

Hey, I didn't throw up.

Cool.

[romantic music]

J‘J‘

[vomits]
- Ew.

Sorry.
- Hey, look, a French fry.

Cool.
- And what is that?

I think it's part
of a Cheesy Poof.

Hey, what's that?

J‘ I'm gonna make love J‘
- That's a hamburger.

That's from like two days ago.
- J‘ To you woman J‘

Well, hey, what about that?

I don't know what
the hell that is.

Gee, the bus will
be here any minute.

And Cartman still
isn't around.

Yeah, we're running
out of friends.

I wonder what
that thing was

that the visitors
gave the cows?

[mooing]

Ha-ha, cows,
I got you cornered.

Let's see you
get away now.

[radio static]

J‘ I love to singa J‘

J‘About the moona and the juna
and the springa J‘

J‘ I love to singa J‘

I About a sky of blue
or tea for two J‘

[spits]

Oh, hey, Cartman.

Wow, Cartman.

The visitors
dropped you off

just in time
to go to school.

Oh, man,

I had this crazy
nightmare last night.

Really?
What about?

Well, I was standing
out in a field

and I had
this huge satellite dish

sticking out of my butt.

And then there was
hundreds of cows and aliens

and then
I went up on the ship

and Scott Baio
gave me pink eye.

That wasn't a dream,
Cartman.

That really happened.

Oh, right.

Why don't I have
pink eye then?

Cartman,
you do have pink eye.

Oh, son of a bitch.