Original subtitles

Great.

Okay.

Ease up, Walt.

Fuck! The money! Get up on the roof.

- How was the handball game? - We won.

You always win, man. Shit, I missed it again.

- What about that pizza? - I gotta get to the game.

- Hey, Walt, how're you doing? - Hi, John.

- Hey, Walt. - Yeah?

- Counting on you for Thursday? - What do you think? Sure.

I gotta go.

Hey, I love your hat.

We're here.

Hey, whatcha got there?

Love letters?

Looks more like a "Dear John" letter to me.

Hey, everybody needs love, honey.

All I need is a jock.

They are not girls, they are not boys.

They can't help it. They was born like that.

Something in their throat.

- Hey, Walt. - Hey, Pogo, how're you doing?

- Not good. - What happened?

- You remember Ashley, my girlfriend? - Yeah.

She fucking left me, bro.

What do you want? She looked like she was 14.

Hey, hey, shut the fucking window

or shut the fuck up!

You shut your fucking window!

Fucking faggots!

The gay community thanks you for your support, fucker!

Fuck you and the gay community!

Fuck you and your "Let's get married and have kids and a dog" community!

Fucking demented fucking fruitcakes.

He's not here, the little fuck.

Fuck, fuck the motherfucker. I told you, I don't trust him.

WALTER KOONTZ, FOR BRAVERY UNDER FIRE IN THE LINE OF DUTY

You're lookin' sharp, Walter.

Save it for your paying customers, babe.

Sweetheart, I was in bed last night and I saw a rat run across my rug.

No, I'm sure you're mistaken.

You're not listening to me.

I was in bed last night

and I saw a rat run across the rug, okay?

Rats? We have no rats here.

Could you send Jaime

to check my apartment

tomorrow, please?

I am late for work.

Come on, Amber.

Thanks, Cristal.

Hurry.

Get!

It'll be all right. You'll see.

How're you doing tonight?

Hey, Walt, how you doin'? Have you met Sal?

Hi, Walt.

Hey, baby, what're you doing?

Comfy? Got you comfy? Well, welcome everybody.

You all look fabulous, you look fucking great, yeah.

Except for this table over here.

Who's from Brooklyn here? Any guys from Brooklyn?

Oh, hey, sweetie, you guys like girls with big fat asses.

Big old tits, right? Why don't you come up here?

Just stand right there. Don't come any closer.

Guys like you beat my ass once I leave the club.

You love me when I'm here, when I leave you beat the shit out of me.

All right.

Take your fuckin' hand off my shoulder.

Oh, my God! Are you gay?

A little bit.

Only a little bit.

And I'm a little bit of a girl.

Just a little bit. I'm all woman. All right, I want you to bend over.

I want you to kiss my ass.

That's it.

Think of me as a present and it's Christmas.

All right, have a seat. Look at you. Jesus Christ.

All right, honey. I'm going to invite

our first big number on the stage.

And she's wonderful. All right, "Amazing Grace", thank you.

My father married

a pure Cherokee.

My mother's people were ashamed of me.

The indians said that I was white by law.

The white man always called me "indian squaw".

Half-breed,

that's all I ever heard, half-breed.

How come you never "aks" me to dance, huh, Walt?

How come always Karen?

Cause Karen's a lady and you ain't. You're a whore.

How many times do I have to tell you? I don't go with whores.

- I'm not a whore, Walt. - You're not? Okay.

I'm ready.

I'm running kind of short on my rent again.

That enough?

Thank you, baby.

- What a man. - What a woman.

See you next week.

I'll count the days.

That's a good boy, Leonard.

Just gimme my money.

What you fuckers doin'? Fuck you!

Black! Black!

You shot her! Motherfucker, why'd you shoot her?

You've fuckin' killed her, man.

Sir, can you hear me?

Are you awake?

I'm Dr. Nirmala. Can you hear me?

Do you understand me?

You've had a stroke.

There is some paralysis on your right side.

Mr. Koontz, I'm detective Noonan.

In the early morning hours of October 3, you heard gun shots.

You attempted to confront the perpetrators

before your heart attack.

- Actually, a stroke. - Right, sorry.

Did you get a look at the killers? Could you identify them?

You're here for Amber Garca Sánchez?

I'm here to identify the body.

And your relationship to the deceased?

Just a friend.

Fucking stupid...

Where's the money?

We've been over every square inch. Roof, basement, now this shithouse.

Miss Cristal, are you in there?

Open the door, bitch!

Open the goddamn door, bitch!

All set, Mr. Koontz?

I've arranged for one of our volunteers to drive you home.

I'm going home alone.

By yourself?

Alone?

- But why? - I'm okay.

To see if I can.

Hey, pop, Jesus Christ, come here. Check this out.

Walt, do you need a little help?

Walt. Walt? You need a little help, Walt?

I'm okay.

- What happened him? - Aw, shit.

Walter Koontz, why are you walking so funny?

A stroke.

You think that's bad?

I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Oh, God.

Welcome home.

What the fuck did you do to my place? You Neanderthals!

I'll fuck you up worse if you don't give us our money.

What money?

The money Amber gave you to fuckin' hide, motherfucker.

Honey, if I had any money I'd move to a better neighborhood

where I wouldn't have to deal with scum like you.

Fucking bitch!

You homicidal maniacs are so sensitive.

- What the fuck is this? - No!

Don't! Don't! Don't!

What is it?

What the fuck is this shit?

It's Amber's ashes.

Shit! Shit!

Get the fuck outta here!

Get the fuck outta here!

We'll be watching you, faggot.

Oh, watch my ass! Watch my ass!

Ashley,

why did you trash me

like some used-up soda can?

Ashley,

why did you trash me?

I was supposed to be your man.

Ashley,

you're a fuckin' bitch.

You left me for a guy named Lance.

Ashley,

you're really stupid.

Cause I was savin' up to take you to France.

Yeah, I was going to take you to France.

Mr. Koontz?

It's Dr. Nirmala.

Are you in there?

Mr. Wilcox at the front desk said you were in.

Hello, Mr. Koontz.

I've been so concerned, Mr. Koontz.

You didn't return to the hospital for your physical therapy.

You don't answer your telephone.

And your friends say that you never visit them

and you don't allow them to visit you.

And Mr. Pim, the grocer,

he says that you shop once a week

and that late at night.

Now I can understand.

You don't want your friends to see you, perhaps not as you once were.

But if you came in for your therapy

you'd improve.

And so would your spirits.

I can arrange to have a physical therapist come here.

3 times a week. Hmm?

Would you like that?

Of course, it's going to be more expensive than at the hospital.

What else do I have to spend my money on?

Some bitch... She stinks!

Keep your voices down. Just keep your voices down.

Shut the fuck up.

Shit, man.

Don't tell me to keep shit down. Where's the fuckin' bitch at?

That skanky hole has my money.

Hi.

Well, how are you?

I mean, I heard you got hurt trying to save Amber.

You know, and she was a friend of mine.

So I... I really... Well, I want to thank you,

and I'm sorry about...

Oh, here, let me help you, sweetheart.

Get away.

- Are you okay? - Get away from me!

Don't be like that, for God's sake.

What, are you worried I might be catchy?

Or you might suffer from a severe jewelry rash?

Go fuck yourself.

I've had worse, big boy.

Happy Halloween!

- Are you registered to vote? - Yes, I am.

Republican?

It's just teetering on interesting.

Look, it's very simple. You sign up for the "Flawless" contest.

If we don't receive your entrance Fee within 2 weeks, you're 86'd.

- Ladies. - Hi, sweetheart.

Is it just me or are drag queens getting more demented every year?

- It's just you, honey. - It's you, hon, that's for sure.

How come the goddamn entrance fee went up?

The cost of living, sweetie.

100 fucking dollars.

My God, whose living is that?

Not that it matters. I think we all know who's going to win.

My little Hispanic hotcake.

You truly are flawless, Cha-cha.

She ain't gonna win this year, no fuckin' way.

Yeah, you prehistoric fucking bitch.

It's "America's "Least Wanted".

Bitch.

I heard your tired pussy was on sale at the international House of Cunts.

- Yeah, with your momma, bitch. - Oh, you...

Take it to the street, please.

I need some butch faggots over here.

I need some dykes!

Shit, thrown out again!

Oh, hi.

Is Walt...? Could I...?

- He's here, come on. - Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

You know how many times I knocked on your door and rang your phone?

I've been real worried.

I'm his physical therapist.

- Le Shaun Williams. - Tommy Walsh.

I'm on my lunchhour. I thought I'd stop by.

Sure.

So, Walt, how you doin'?

Hey, what's your name?

Le Shaun.

You take good care of my buddy here. He's a real hero, you know.

He saved me,

the other guard Joe, and 14 hostages in 1988.

Hey, Tom, please...

That's how he won early retirement. Look here, a letter from Mayor Koch.

- There's a bravery medal. - Man.

Tommy, please.

Look at this.

This is Walt, right here, in the middle.

That's Joe, that's me.

I'm pistol whipped down on the floor.

Joe's shittin' in his pants.

Walt, pistol whipped also,

bleedin' like a mother, he pretends like he's knocked out.

All of a sudden... Blam, blam!

He shoots. Two thieving motherfuckers go down.

You want I should tell them to shut up? Hey, shut the fuck up!

Girls, look, a man in uniform!

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ.

Fuckin' freak show.

Well, I should go.

Walt, if... You need anything?

I'm okay.

I guess you heard that Amber, that little hooker upstairs,

and her sleaze boyfriend stole off Mr. Z.

So it was his guys and him that you were shooting at.

They still can't find the money.

And the cops can't do anything. Mr. Z's got them in his pocket.

Anyways...

Hey, do me a favor, will you? Pick up the phone when I call you.

Take good care of him. What was your name again?

Le Shaun.

Right, yeah.

- All right. - I'll see ya's.

Take it easy, Walt.

I've had some real success with stroke patients improving speech.

You know how?

Don't laugh.

Singing lessons.

It relaxes you. A lot of people like singing.

I got a card in my bag for a lady uptown.

Mildred something. She's good.

You gotta start getting out soon, anyway.

You start talkin' better and visit with your friends on the phone.

You could even have phone sex.

Call us, call us now.

Hot, wild girls waiting by the phone.

We're hot and wild. The girl of your dreams

is waiting by the phone. She'll make your fantasies come true.

Just call.

Pick up the phone.

Hey, buddy, you okay? I didn't hit you, did I?

He slipped on the ice.

Mr. Koontz, please, let me help you.

You okay?

Yeah?

- I'm okay. - You dropped something.

I'll go get the door.

You want this? Is this your card? I think it is.

Let me guess. A Jehovah's Witness.

I was wondering if I could pay you...

pay you for singing lessons.

I'm sorry.

I'd rather suck Hitler's dead dick.

I'm sure you did.

Wait a minute, wait. Fuck!

Honey, could you pay cash?

I don't wan' your pity.

I don't want your fucking pity either, all right?

I need the money.

I'll call you from the window tomorrow when I'm ready.

It's always the same up here.

Fuckin' bitch! Hey, bitch! Bitch, where the fuck is Cristal?

- Where the fuck is she? - She's there! Right there!

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, motherfucker.

Fuckin' bitch!

My leg, I've hurt my leg! What do you want from me?

- What do you want? - Shut up!

Mr. Z's fuckin' money!

I swear I know nothin'. I don't know nothin'.

So why the fuck you disappear and make like Carl Lewis?

I heard you was after me, I seen what you done to Amber and Raymond.

Yeah, and the same thing happens to you

- if he doesn't get his money back. - Do I look like I got money?

You think I'd be working 10th?

You're lying. You're fucking lying.

No, don't.

- What? - No, stop it!

Can you give me money?

Give me some money, fucking shits.

Welcome to Fairyland.

We hope you enjoy the ride.

Do not stand up in the cars and, please,

leave your attitude outside. All right?

Honey, that was a joke, okay?

I hate people who think they're funny.

I bet you hate a lot of things.

All right.

Well, I thought we'd start with the scales.

All right, do you know the scales?

Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do.

All right, Grumpy, Sneezy and Horny.

All right, shall we begin?

One more time.

Move on.

Honey, I can't hear you.

I am not Jodie Foster and this is not "Silence of the Lambs".

Your voice is a muscle, all right? And you can

exercise it, okay?

What? You can exercise it, don't be afraid. All right?

Okay, that's better.

All right, let's move on.

See? That's better, that was a lot better. Okay, good, going for fa.

Come on, you can do it.

"Sing out, Louise!"

Nah, this is bullshit.

Can't do it. Here, I'll pay you. Can't do it.

- Hey, this is your idea. - Bad idea.

Can't do it. Bullshit.

Can't do it.

Can't do this.

Honey, "can't" lives on "won't" street, all right?

Why don't you try "fucking faggot"?

You were always pretty good at shouting that across the alley.

Fuckin' faggot.

Prick.

- Cocksucker. - Asshole.

- Girlie man - Republican.

- Queer. - Fascist.

- Scumbag. - Shitleader fucker.

Fuckin' fruitcake.

- Nazi. - Open the fuckin' door.

I'll fucking help you out of the door.

Fuckin' faggot.

There you go.

It's open, there you go.

If you came here with a bellyful of self pity,

you came to the wrong place.

I left sensitivity back in the sandpile.

All right, girl.

Michelle Pfeiffer

goes after "A Dangerous Mind".

I know you're in there.

You paid for the lesson, you might as well get it.

Come on, open the door.

Walt, I want you, baby.

Oh, want me, be my man.

Please, put it inside of me.

Break it off in me, daddy.

Break it off in me.

What the fuck's the matter with you?

Okay, okay.

What the fuck you doin'?

All right, we had a few words.

None we haven't heard or used before. Is that it? You just quit?

- Fuck you. - Fuck you too.

Fuck you.

Having a little trouble with the F sound?

Get out. Get out!

- Fine, fine. I told your... - Fucking faggot.

I told your doctor it would never work.

You talked to Dr. Nirmala?

- Yeah. - Nirmala?

She's a very fine woman. She helped a friend of mine who died of AIDS.

Miss Burma.

If I was going to teach you I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.

You know, like Anne Bancroft,

"The Miracle Worker".

I don't need no fag with a heart of gold.

You see a crown of thorns on my head?

Only rhinestones, sweetheart. I am no Brother Teresa.

I told you, I need the money. I got big plans.

You got a letter from Ed Koch.

When New York was fun.

Oh, you're a bowler! That's so cute.

Third place. Pretty good.

I always heard you were some kind of hero.

Look where it got me.

Hey, you know.

You got a rough break. Who didn't?

Like, I see you sitting there all alone.

You know, all the time, hiding

from life, you know.

Life... Life is shit.

Aren't you just a little

ray of sunshine?

Please allow me to leave you sitting there all alone on your pity pot

cause I've been there before, sweetheart.

"Poor me, poor me... Pour me another." All right?

Okay.

Honey, are you coming upstairs

to face the music like the man you're supposed to be,

or should I just get Dr. Kevorkian's fucking phone number for you?

Your favorite note.

He's so adorable.

Play that funky music,

white boy. All right.

Okay, I think you're doing pretty good with the scales.

We need to start working on a song.

All right.

Oh, listen, "Everything's Coming Up Roses".

Peppy, positive, Sondheim. No?

Okay. Moving right along.

Probably you're into Sinatra.

I don't do Sinatra, although I'm sure I'm the only girl who hasn't.

How about a tango?

So you're a tango dancer, are you?

Was. Was.

Yeah.

You will be again, lovey.

I know a song

you'll probably love. All right, hold on.

It's right here...

Sorry, girl.

We didn't know you was entertaining.

We're going downstairs for some pizza.

Yeah, we're going to go watch Carmine

twirl that pizza dough with those big muscles of his. Want to come?

Ladies, this is

Walt, from downstairs.

He's taking singing lessons, all right?

I just wanted to find out about my blue dress.

- I'm sorry. - Try this on.

You'd better watch out for Rusty, honey.

She likes you straight guys.

Like you.

Miss Thing, shove a landmine in that big hole you call a mouth.

How you doin', baby? My name's Cha-Cha de los Santos Prez Cueva.

You just call me Cha-Cha.

I'm sorry, you have a "My Left Foot" thing going on, don't you?

- All right, out, out, out. - Girl!

I think we got the message.

Yoohoo, Miss Taco Bell, vámonos.

Bye, Mr. My Left Foot.

Vámonos, all right? I'll say good-bye to you all.

Miss you already.

Sorry about that. They are so much work.

All right.

Is this the real you, or what?

Give to me some men who are stout hearted men,

who will fight for the right

they adore...

Ooh, macho men.

Macho man kill bear, shit in woods.

Am I right? You'll love it, honey.

All right.

Now a start with Give to me some men...

You know, from the top of that song I thought would be really good.

How long you been doing this?

- Singing? - No.

This drag queen type of thing.

Well, I've been in musicals

at school ever since I was a little kid.

I was Prince Chulalongkorn in "the King and I".

But I was miscast.

Then I was the Lion in "The Wizard of Oz", and I was definitely miscast,

but I was the only one, um...

fat enough to fit into the costume. Whatever.

And then in "The Snow Queen"

where I was again totally miscast as the king.

We were all on stage

and they'd made these dry ice kettles so that smoke could come out of them.

And one night, all of a sudden,

one dry ice kettle exploded

and dry ice flew everywhere.

Pretty little Miss No Talent, who was playing the Snow Queen,

dashed off the stage screaming and pulling her hair out.

Well, the play must go on, I believe,

and she had dropped her crown.

Well, honey, I picked up that crown,

put it on my head,

and I was the greatest goddamn Snow Queen

in the history of P.S. 11, Paramus, New Jersey.

And then...

I've been wearing dresses ever since.

But I don't like the term "drag queen", you know,

because most drag queens just want to parade around looking flawless

and if they sing, they lip synch to records.

And...

I'm a singer.

I'm a female impressionist.

I'm an artiste, you know?

Who do you think you're bull shitting?

You're a fucking drag queen.

Let me savor those lovely words for a moment.

What are you? Channeling Jesse Helms?

Don't be so... so... so sensitive.

If you can take a dick you can take an insult.

Right, Walt.

I'm not as stupid

as you think.

Honey,

you could never be as stupid as I think you are, all right?

- Yes? - I owe you two weeks, right?

Yes.

And there's a week in advance.

Can I park my motor cycle in the back so it won't get ripped off?

A motor cycle?

That's $50 additional every week for parking.

$50 dollars?

No problem.

- Take it easy. - Would you like a receipt for that?

No, I trust you. You should lighten up a little bit, Leonard.

- Come on, Tasha. - Bye.

Have a nice evening.

Don't push me! Don't push me!

Please don't push me. Just stop it.

Wait, wait, wait!

Fuck you.

I'm sorry! Please stay!

Please.

We're just going to start with "Shirley, Shirley".

Boyfriend?

- What, honey? - Your boyfriend?

Yeah.

It's complicated.

He's married.

He has two kids.

And he fucking gambles.

You know?

On sports.

He always needs money for new storm windows or something for his kids.

So he says, but it's for gambling, and I know.

He gambles with your money?

Yeah, he gambles with my money.

So you pay for sex?

Honey, there's no romance without finance.

I don't pay for sex.

No?

All right.

You think if you've got a wifey or a girlfriend you don't pay?

Honey, you pay, all right?

Have you ever been married?

Don't answer. She probably died of some horrible disease

and that made you what you are

Well, she was a dancer.

I worshipped her.

She ran off with some guy

who gave her a tattoo.

Took everything, everything.

The dog, everything.

Honey, you shoulda gotten another dog.

All right.

Slowly now.

Shirley.

Shirley.

Shirley.

Oh, Christ.

I'm sorry. Just...

- "Shirley, Shirley". All right? - All right.

Okay, okay, okay!

Stop ringing.

What?

What?

When?

Hold on.

We're going to have to stop for today, all right, sweetheart?

I'm sorry, I have to stop.

Hello.

Hello?

Who is this?

- Walt. - Walter.

Is there anything you need?

To tell you the truth,

I was hoping maybe we would get together.

Sure.

You're a godsend, because I was

having trouble with my rent again this month.

To tell you the truth,

I'm kinda tapped right now. I don't have any money

except for the therapy.

I see.

But we could still sort of get together.

Oh, sure.

How about some time next week?

Listen, I'm going to be tied up for the next

couple of weeks,

but I'll call you.

- I gotta go. - Okay, bye.

- Bye, sweetie. - Sure.

I'll call you. Bye.

Don't go, cause she ain't interested in you

or what picture you wanna see. She just...

Mr. Pogo has returned.

Where are you going? I haven't finished my story.

- Nice wheels. - Thanks, man.

- Musta cost you. - Yeah.

Where'd you get the money?

What the fuck, man...

We hear you've been flashing around a lotta new cash. Where'd you get it?

Look, some guy owed me money.

What fuckin' guy? What guy?

Fuck this shit. Tasha, we gotta get out of here.

Oh, shit!

We're fucking the bitch.

I'll tell you. Don't hurt the bike. I been dealing.

Dealing?

For who, motherfucker?

Raido.

You heard him?

For that fat fuck in Mr. Z's territory?

Bastard.

Oh, shit!

You deal around here again, you're fucking dead!

You never said nothing

about dealing drugs,

prick!

Tasha,

I really thought you were the one.

You just treated me like scum.

Then you left me like a tornado leaves a town.

I gave you love,

I gave you gifts,

and you treated me like shit.

And you fuckin' kicked me when I was down.

You fuckin' kicked me when I was down.

So no more excuses, all right?

When I call, answer the phone. Because I know you talked to Karen.

- She told you? - No, Tia.

You know, the young one at the dance club always had eyes for you.

She's a whore, Tommy.

Hey, they're all whores. Except my mother, may she rest in peace.

Hey, watch it.

And your mother, too, Le...

What's your name again?

Le Shaun.

Le Shaun, right.

Anyways, tomorrow's Saturday

and the card game's at Vinnie's.

The guys would sure love it if you would drop by, like old times.

Maybe.

Yeah, sure, and black is beautiful.

Watch your mouth, all right? Fat boy.

Fat boy? Who...

- What's wrong with that? - ...the motherfucker do...?

- Oh, now, watch it... - No, I'm watching you.

You mad at me just because you look like Pillsbury Dough Boy?

I am.

- Oh, no, hold on. - No, come on.

Walt, hand me the paddle. C'mon, hand me the paddle.

You'd better get that paddle before you come over.

Hey, come on, I said it to you on purpose.

I know, you came from kings. I saw "Roots", all 20 nights of it.

You're makin' me laugh, Tommy, come on.

Okay.

I got it.

There we go.

- Hi. - Hi, is Walt there?

- Yeah, he's in. - Thanks.

"Don't cry for me, Argentina!"

What do you think, Mr. My Left Foot? You know, for the "Flawless" contest.

Your brain's still broke, huh?

That's okay.

Have you seen Miss Rusty? Cause she was supposed to help me with this.

No, I haven't seen him.

Okay, thank you. Bye, baby.

Bye... big boy.

Is she gone?

I don't want to hear one fuckin' word from either one of you.

Okay, baby.

Okay, baby.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad I lived long enough to see that.

Baby!

Get up, girl.

Like Lana Turner in "Zeigfeld Girl".

Oh, honey.

Oh, honey.

Hi.

Are you all right?

I'm peachy, honey.

Where the hell have you been?

Fun and games. My mother's funeral and wake.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Oh, my father killed her a long time ago.

We buried her today.

This is my legacy.

Her old gloves. She always wore gloves.

She was a victim, you know?

Sweet, you know, but a victim.

A reformed drunk,

on her knees at church, begging

Jesus, Mary and Joseph and every goddamned saint in Heaven

to forgive her for having given birth

to "Cruella de Fag", you know,

and being a slave to my father before he died.

You would have loved each other.

Yeah. He thought Archie Bunker was a flaming liberal.

You know, every morning she would get up

and fix him breakfast.

And every morning,

for thirty years, she said:

"Hi, daddy, do you love me?"

No answer.

Every morning, thirty years.

"Hi, daddy, do you love me?" No answer.

One day, my ma says:

"Hi, daddy, do you love me?", and...

he said: "No".

The moral of that story is

if you haven't gotten an answer in thirty years,

you ought to know by now.

- Thanks for the drink. - You're welcome.

See you tomorrow.

Thank you for staying.

I'm sorry about your mother.

Thanks.

You're right, Walt.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you're right.

You know, I'm...

I'm not an artiste, you know? I'm not some...

female impressionist. I'm...

I'm lonely.

And I'm ugly.

And I'm a drag queen.

Now look who's feeling sorry for himself.

Where the fuck have you been?

Sonny, don't.

You sez if I come here last night you'd have the rest of the money.

You didn't show up.

- I was somewhere else. - Where's the fuckin' money?

Get me the fuckin' money.

- What do you think... - And who the fuck is this?

Sonny, let go. I'll get you the money.

Let go of him, I'll give you the money, all right?

Walt, just get in the room.

Walt, he's not going to let you go. Just get in the room.

- I'm tired coming here for nothin'. - Five minutes.

Okay?

If you fuck around, I'm going to fuckin' smash you.

You look really good tonight.

All right? That's it.

Fuck you, you cocksucker!

Don't you fuckin' lock this door!

Open the fucking door!

You've locked the fuckin' door again!

You wanna fuck around? Let's fuck around!

Open the fucking door! I need that money, man!

It's steel plate.

I don't know if I did it to keep out burglars,

or Sonny when he gets like this.

Go home and beat up wifey before I call the cops, you fucker!

Fuck you, you just fucked up. I'm coming back.

I'll come back every fuckin' night. You don't pay me,

I'll take the fuckin' scissors to every wig you got.

Motherfucker!

So that's your boyfriend?

He's not always like this.

He's got this Italian Catholic guilt and shame thing

because he loves me so much.

We're working it out.

This won't happen once I have

my operation to be

all woman, you know.

That's why I work teaching and sewing,

saving up for the day that I'll become a real woman.

You're not goin' to become one of those he-she freaks?

All she.

After...

the hormone shots and the operation.

You're gonna cut off your dick and balls?

Snip, snip, sweetheart.

How can a man cut off his dick and balls? How can you do that?

Because

I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

You ain't no woman.

I'm just not your idea of a woman, Walt.

You're nobody's idea of a woman.

I'm my idea.

Maybe I could understand...

understand it...

if you wanted to be a woman,

but what I don't understand is why a man

wants to be an ugly woman.

Open up, we ain't got all day, come on!

Walt.

We didn't think you were comin' so we brought the party to you.

- Yeah, we missed you. - Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, you guys, is Waldo back here, or what?

Waldo Koontz is back.

The man's a true hero.

I'll never forget that day in that bank 14 years ago.

I heard it 43 times. I heard it enough.

- I don't want to hear it again. - I won't say it.

Whatever happened to the other guy, you know, the other guard?

Joe. Is he retired or what?

No, he got a great job in South East Asia, something like that.

- Smart guy, right, Walt? - Right.

Walt, I hear you're thick with the she-hes.

Or should I say long and thick?

I'm taking speech therapy cause it's in the building.

It's in the building, fuckhead.

Yeah, and he's doing great.

He is.

Just I never thought

I'd see Walter "The Wall" Koontz hanging out with drag queens.

- Would you shut the fuck up? - They're better lookin' than you.

Hey, I'll get it.

- Paul, are you out? - Yes, I'm out.

- It's you and I, Vinnie. - Are we playing cards?

We're out, huh?

Fellas, you remember Tia, from the dance club?

Walt, you remember Tia, right?

Hello.

Jesus, you know what? We should go. Look at the time. I mean...

We should get outta here.

- All right, you guys. - We'll figure the chips out later.

Hey, Tia,

you're a real girl, aren't you?

Paul, shut the fuck up.

Don't pay any attention to him. He's brain damaged from birth.

Hey, Walt... Get your skinny ass out.

I'll see you next Saturday. All right? My house.

Okay?

How ya doin'?

Okay.

These are for you.

I could put them in some water for you.

- Just tell me where the stuff is. - No, I got it.

- I got it. - It's okay.

No, I'll do it.

I know how much you like the tango so much, so

I made a tape of those songs that you like the most.

The quality's not that great, but...

You get the idea.

Thanks for the tape. It's nice.

Nice. Nice.

Well...

You would never "aks" me to dance, so...

Now I can "aks" you.

- I, I... - It's okay.

I don't have any money.

Who said anything about money?

Oh, I... I get it.

What?

Tommy paid you.

He felt sorry for me, didn't he?

You feel sorry for me.

I feel sorry for you?

No problem.

I never felt sorry for you, Walt, until now.

Take it easy, Walt.

Little trick with Nick.

Good, good, good girl. All right.

All right, sweetheart.

Very good, honey. Very good.

Good song you picked, good.

What's next?

Honey, I think that's it. You've graduated.

I thought you were going to give me

another song, some stuff to learn.

Well, honey, I would love

to take your money, you know, but you're doing...

You're doing really well, you know,

and I've made you a bunch of tapes.

You can go practice with them.

Why don't you come by tomorrow at 5.00 and you can pick them up, okay?

- All right. - Okay.

Thanks for meeting with us, gentlemen.

We've been discussing this year's "Gay Pride Parade"

and we felt that it would be important,

well, a good idea, to show a united front.

Synthesis, I believe.

Right. We felt,

as gay Republicans, we thought it would be

a really good idea if we could all come together

and show the world our likenesses, not our differences.

To celebrate the... um...

- Synthesis. - Right, synthesis, the synthesis...

You're very good.

You are. I'm sorry, go ahead.

We could march together as a united brotherhood.

What about the sisterhood, honey?

March on foot. No floats.

You think that if you have no floats

we won't do drag cause we can't march in heels.

Well, let me tell you something, honey.

We can march to Lake Titicaca and back in stilettos

Hey, let's just calm down then.

Aren't you the same group that raised a shitload of money

and gave it to Bob Dole's campaign and he sent it back?

No, that's because he would have lost support of the Christian...

Exactly. Because you're gay. That's why he sent it back.

Aren't you ashamed? All right, listen, you are right.

We are different, but not in the way that you mean.

It's because you are all ashamed of us and we are not ashamed of you.

Because as long as you get down on those banana republican knees

and suck dick, honey,

you're all my sisters.

And I love you.

I do.

God bless you,

and fuck off.

Ma?

Ma?

Mom?

Oh, God... Oh, my God.

Jacko. Jacko.

Mr. Z, I didn't expect...

Where's my mother?

- Haven't I always been good to you? - Good to me?

You've always been good to me, Mr Z.

Didn't I help you get the mortgage on this place for your mother?

You're a saint, Mr. Z.

I kinda treated you like a pet, didn't I?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Sit down, Leonard.

We searched every step of Raymond's route 50 times and still no money.

Mr Z., don't you remember

that I was the one that tipped you off, don't you remember that?

And we searched every square inch of that asswipe, fleabag motel.

- And still no money. - Mr Z.

Please, I swear to you.

I swear on my mother.

I swear on my mother.

Ah, your mother.

She said she didn't know anything either.

Even after we took her glasses.

Mommy.

And her hearing aid.

And her teeth.

Mommy!

Mommy.

And her little bird.

Luciano.

Luciano!

Now, in exactly 20 minutes Vance is going to deliver your mother here.

Don't worry about her. I told him to soothe her

with a milk shake and whatever the fuck else she could gum down

at the drive-thru at Mickey Dee's.

Now, if,

and this is a big "if', Leonard,

if you are telling the truth, then someone in that hotel got my money.

I don't have it, I don't have it.

If you are a good dog,

you'll fetch and retrieve it for me.

If you don't,

I can only come to one conclusion. Leonard...

if you spend one dime that looks suspicious, next time

you won't be swearing on your mother.

You'll be swearing on her grave.

- Who is it? - It's Walt.

Oh, honey, come on in, the door's open.

Surprise!

Come on in, come on.

Happy graduation, happy graduation,

happy graduation.

Yeah, that's right.

- Wanna dance? - I'd love to.

Bye, honey, take care of yourself. You too.

Mr. My Left Foot, this is the video I was talking about.

"My Left Foot". This is for you to keep. It's very inspirational.

Do you like my cufflinks?

They really shoot beebees.

If you really like this, I can get you another one.

It's called "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

You heard of it before? It's my favorite.

It's about this guy who's really misshapen, even worse than you.

And he falls in love with this beautiful, fiery,

wild gypsy girl called Esmeralda.

She kinda looks like me.

C'mon, let's dance.

Oh, God, my tits are falling down.

You wanna see one?

That's what they're like.

Hello! Pizza, everyone!

All right!

- One's on the house. - Carmine.

Let me pay for it.

No, we got it. I got one and Carmine and his folks got the other.

Carmine, have a drink.

I have to get going. My father's waiting. I've to get back to work.

- Have a drink. - Come on, have a drink.

Let me touch your chest.

Girls, take him down!

Take him down.

You first.

My, that's a good popper.

Give me a kiss, honey. Give me a kiss.

She's sweet, isn't she? God, how old is she?

She's a Leo.

I asked how old she was.

Like, you know, I don't know. Like...

I met her when she was wearing a uniform.

Yeah. What kind of uniform?

You know, that school outfit or whatever.

What school?

You know, the little Catholic place down the street.

Junior High?

Yeah, you know it, yeah.

Yeah, take it off. Look at that. Oh, my God, look at his stomach.

Goddamn, Carmine. I sent you an hour ago. Come on!

Let him stay!

Leave him alone. Leave him alone.

Carmine, I love you!

Oh, my God! She's shot me!

My God! I'm scarred and the big contest is tomorrow night!

It was an accident. I'm sorry.

- I told you not to wear those cuffs. - God, you're so stupid.

Oh, Rusty!

I shot my best friend in the tit with my cufflink!

- I didn't mean it. - All right.

You know...

I never thought that we could have gotten through this together.

I mean, I can't believe that I could...

I mean, that I could...

actually be of some kind of help to someone like you.

A big hero and all, you know.

I'm no big hero.

I'm scared.

I need a drink.

What can you be scared of?

What's the worst fear?

That you'll fall in the street?

Someone will make fun of you?

I mean, what?

I'm afraid that women won't want to sleep with me anymore.

Guess what?

Some of them won't.

So you'll just have to find the ones that will want to.

And just remember.

This is who you are, Waldo. You're Walt "The Wall"

Koontz. A true hero.

Who's the little guy?

- Joe. - Joe?

Joe and me were friends for years.

Best friends.

He really wanted to better himself.

And I really admired him.

He went to school nights and weekends

to learn computers.

He got

a big job in Asia with computers.

I drove him to the airport.

And off Joe went to Asia.

Two days later, the bank

has $200,000 missing.

Christ!

Somehow done from the inside with computers.

Nobody ever heard from Joe again.

I drove Joe to the airport.

Got used by my best friend.

I've never told anybody that.

Some hero, huh?

Well...

Since this is confession night

at Our Lady of Perpetual Disco,

I'm gonna tell you something that I've never told anyone.

I've got Mr. Z's money.

I got here right when you were being rushed to the hospital, you know,

and when the cops left I went up,

because Amber had given me her key

and told me where she'd hid her money.

She always had some set aside for her funeral

cause she always knew that she was gonna die young.

And, of course, she did, poor baby.

So where is it?

Right in here, honey.

Where momma

always knows where it is.

Right here

in Hips, Ass and Titty City, sweetheart.

It's gonna pay for my operation.

And when I

come back a new woman,

I'm going to give Amber a funeral

and a monument and an eternal flame, honey.

Just like Princess Diana.

Wait a minute. You said

that you needed the money

from the lessons, right?

So I was your cover?

So all the...

the sewing jobs,

the crying poor,

my lessons, that was all so that

Leonard wouldn't suspect you?

Wait a minute, honey.

So you...

You used me cause of my condition.

Excuse me!

Check your playbill, Judge Ito. You came to me.

I needed help and you used me.

Truth, baby? You wanna play fucking truth?

You needed someone you weren't ashamed to be crippled in front of.

Someone you thought was so beneath you, you know, a worse freak,

so you could feel superior and still be the big fuckin' man.

At least...

At least, I'm a real man.

Everybody, including Wolf fuckin' Blitzer on CNN,

knows you don't think I'm a real man, honey.

Hey, why? Because I don't shit in the woods, I don't shoot guns.

You know, let me tell you something, baby.

All right, it takes a shitload more courage

to wake up and face my life than anything you've ever dreamed of.

You couldn't handle real adversity, honey. That's the truth.

Truth? You want fuckin' truth?

You ain't gonna be a woman. You're never gonna be a woman.

You're an ugly fat faggot. There's truth! You're an ugly fat faggot

I am more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get.

You wish.

Yeah, I do wish. All right, honey, and if you didn't notice,

while hate was pouring out of you, you didn't stutter once.

Now haul your sorry, crippled ass outta my house for once and for all.

- Shut your fuckin' mouth. - Or you'll beat the shit outta me?

- For starters, yeah. - Your days for that are over.

Face it, Waldo. Your hero days are over.

I may be a female impersonator, but you, my friend,

- are a male impersonator. - Fuck you!

Yeah, life's a bitch so I became one, honey.

Oh, my God, look who's here, Sal.

Let's say hello.

- Hey, Walt. - Hi, Walter.

How ya doin'? It's good to see you. Welcome back.

That's okay.

I'm goin' over there.

- We'll talk to you. - Okay.

Hey, Walter.

- How are you? - Okay.

I've really missed you.

Well, thanks.

Flowers... For me?

Not exactly.

Excuse me.

- Hi. - Hi.

I brought you some flowers.

Thanks.

Do you wanna dance?

This fucking cunt did not deserve to fucking win.

She's not a true fuckin' beauty!

This contest is fixed.

Tell your stories walking, girls.

Yeah, this group this way. You guys that way.

This is what gives drag queens a bad name.

You two are banned from the contest next year.

Maybe so, hefty.

Yeah, because you're old and I'm young,

and I'm gonna live to piss on your fuckin' grave.

This was the first time I've...

Since this happened.

I was real nervous.

But you were great.

You were great.

You were. I was nervous.

You just need to be around somebody,

I don't know,

that likes you

just the way you are.

Someone else said that to me.

Said:

"Some girls won't like you like this.

You have to find the one that will."

Yeah, well,

they didn't bullshit you. They told you the truth.

Whoever it was.

She must be a real good friend.

Why'd you say "she"?

I don't know.

Sounds like somethin' a woman would say.

Why? Was it a man?

Well, not... not exactly.

Well, whatever, whoever it was,

sounds like a good friend.

Good evening, Mr. Koontz.

Mr. Koontz, if you hear anything

in the building later tonight...

Like what?

Anything at all. Just ignore it. Pretend it's not happening.

Do you know the phrase, "Two closed ears, one closed mouth"?

Well, that's my motto and I follow it.

To hear nothing, to see nothing, to speak nothing.

I don't care what goes on in this rat trap.

Who do you think you're kidding? You've got the biggest ears,

the biggest nose and the biggest mouth of anybody I've ever met.

Which makes you the biggest asshole.

Is everyone dry?

All right, girls. Good night.

Good night, momma.

I love you. We're starting on all new songs next week.

Hey, why don't we go upstairs and show Mr. My Left Foot that we won?

Walt is history, honey.

He doesn't like us anymore. I love you.

But I still like him.

Taxi! Hey!

Get the fuck in here.

It's that kind of party.

Where's my money?

This is where I came in. Do I look like someone who's got your money?

This looks like you got my money.

$25,000 deposit

for an operation.

I earned that money.

$35,000 for a complete series of female hormone therapy.

$25,000 for extensive psychological testing

before therapy.

Another $40,000 due.

It costs a lot to look like a woman.

Too expensive to look this cheap.

Fucker.

Death is cheap, fucker.

Give me my money.

You understand that? Just give me my money or I'll have to hurt you.

Give him some more.

Give him some more. Give it up, you finch.

You shot him!

Let him go, let him go.

- Why should I let him go? - Do it and I'll give you the money.

Rusty, don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't kill that bitch

till I get my money.

Okay, hero boy. On the count of three, no money

no rest of your life. Sound fair?

Okay.

It's in the bedroom.

Show me, you fuck.

Come on, show me. Where's the secret?

Fuck!

Bitch.

Fuck you!

C'mon on, you fuck! Why are you fuckin' snivellin'?

Knock that fucker down! Knock that fucker down!

You motherfucker you!

Where the fuck is the phone?

Motherfucker!

Stop! Stop!

Mrs. Spivak!

Call the cops! Call the cops!

Go away or I'll call the police!

Help!

You don't know where he fuckin...

Grace Kelly, "Rear Window"", honey. All right?

Where are you, motherfucker?

Don't let him fuckin' get away.

Oh, God.

Fucker!

All right, girl.

Linda Hamilton,

"Terminator 2".

My money.

You clever bitch.

Sticking my money in your fuckin' ugly girdle.

Hold it.

Put down the gun

before your girlfriend

gets a chance to blow Liberace.

Put it down.

Put it down.

Put it down!

Thatta boy.

Now, why don't you slide it over here?

Koontz and Zimmermann. Can you confirm this self-defense story?

Yes, it was self-defense.

They were criminals. They were animals and brutes.

They killed my mother's canary.

- What? - They killed my mother's canary.

I called the police. Do I get the reward?

Now, the name's Ivana, I-V-A-N-A.

- Last name? - Mann.

"Ivana Mann".

I knew all night something was gonna happen. Hi, mom!!

I won "Miss Flawless" for the third time.

- Careful. - It's all right, he'll be fine.

Mr. My Left Foot.

Sorry, relatives only.

I'm his sister.

He's my sister.

Thank you.

Hurrah. See you later, Rusty.

Community Hospital downtown do?

You got medical insurance? How are you going to pay?

With cash, honey.

Drive to New York Hospital

and I want the best team of surgeons available, all right?

You heard me, Nurse Ratchett.

All right, burn rubber, girl. We're goin' up town.

A good thing you didn't cut your balls off yet.

Come on, girls.

You tried to kill my sister!