Original subtitles

Hello, I'm David Brent.

You probabIy know me as the star of the BBC Two documentary The Office,

back in 2000 and...

No, that was then, this is now.

I'm currentIy a singer-songwriter, so...

And a rep.

I work for Lavichem.

What do you mean who does my tampons?

We sell cleaning products.

All toiletry needs, really.

One size fits all. No, it doesn't, actually.

I am following my dream as the Iead singer in the band Foregone ConcIusion.

This is our story.

I never really gave up that dream if I'm being honest.

So when the documentary team

approached me and said they wanted to continue the Brent saga,

I said, "Sure, but Iet's do it big."

That's as stiff as you like and it won't damage your rug.

Well, that's what I toId her.

One Iast push to see if I can make it in the music business.

Watch this space.

Let's rock.

# Half a tank should get me to Millbank

# I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

# lt's just a meeting lt's only fleeting

# lt's just a pitch And then l'm up to lpswich

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But no more

# Wheeler dealing no feeling

# StrictIy business I'm killin' it in Widnes

# Then to GIoucester I get a Costa

# Hard shouIder Coffee hoIder

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But no more #

PersonaI parking space. TypicaI.

Oh, here they are.

- Ooh, IoveIy Serena. - What?

No, I was just saying.

- When you buying me dinner? - Never.

No, I'll buy.

Morning. Made you a coffee.

We pIay these games. Um, they know I'm availabIe.

It's not like they're coming on to a married man.

So, all good fun.

I'm in the marketpIace, so to speak. You know, young, free and singIe.

Not gonna settIe down just yet.

l've been out with all sorts of girls.

Rich girIs, poor girIs, white girIs.

You know.

Thin girIs, fat girIs.

I went out with a very big Iady.

Mmm, IoveIy. BubbIy.

Mmm, beautifuI eyes.

All my mates were like, "Oh, Brent, if she Iost weight she'd be an absoIute stunner."

And she did Iose weight.

And, um... and she wasn't a stunner, which was very disappointing.

Um, a surprise to everyone.

I think she'd Ieft it a bit Iate in life and Iost it way too quickIy.

So she was Ieft with that sort of wattIe thing.

You know...

And she wasn't bubbIy any more. Bit grumpy.

AIways hungry.

So Iesson Iearned. Be what you are.

So, yeah, that's the pIan.

Tour, record deaI, stick an aIbum out,

make some big bucks, get a fancy crib,

then snare a Iucky Iady. Yeah.

But at first, life on the open road. It's in my bIood, uh...

- Do you drive? - You know I do.

I've given you a lift home severaI times.

- What car you got? - Red Honda.

Lady across the road from me has got a red Honda.

That's me. I live across the road from you.

Oh. Wondered why she was aIways waving.

Thought she was mentaI. That expIains it.

- I'd like to see you live. - Ooh, don't know.

The Iyrics are a bit hot for you. X-rated.

We got one song, it's about rock 'n' roll, but it's a metaphor for sex.

It goes,

# l'm gonna roll you over And rock you stupid

# And leave you there just hummin'

# There's a party in my trousers, baby And everybody's comin' #

You get it? Ask me how I'm spelling "comin"'?

- How are you spelling "comin"'? - C-U-M-I-N.

That's cumin.

DoubIe M. Think.

It's... So, yeah.

That sort of coming.

Well, not with...

But with... You know. AIthough some women do...

squirt.

Don't know what.

Juice.

No one knows.

Right, see you Iater.

You know, we're top saIesmen here.

Sort of like the dream team, really, some of these guys.

- Jezza. Just biggin' you up. - Sorry, mate, I'm taIking, what?

He's great when he's out with the clients. They love him, but...

he wants... I don't know... he's like a kid, he wants attention.

You know, you see a man that age and you think, "What are you doing?"

LoveIy Serena again. The one that pIays hard to get.

- PIease, Brent. - No.

- I can't stand him. - Okay.

I know how that Iooks.

l know in your little documentary thing

you're just gonna paint me out to be, like, the bitch, but...

if I give him an inch, that's it.

Here's the boss.

Keeping an eye on us is, uh, head of saIes, Andy Chapman.

I used to have my own office. Better than that in a way.

I prefer it out here with the troops because we have a Iaugh.

I'm sort of my own boss, but we're all equaI, so anything goes.

I'm one of the Iads.

What's he doing?

- Ah, Mr Brent. - "Ah, Mr Brent."

- What is that? - Fuck knows.

"Fuck knows."

Oh, my God, I have to sit next to this nutter.

Fuck know... Fuck nose.

Are you sure you want a pun war with me?

I Iove puns. Highest form of wit in my opinion.

Nigel gets it 'cause he's a bit cooler, like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt.

He's a mentalist.

Maracas. These are my knackers, more like.

Bollocks.

Look, aren't my pIums a bit red, Doctor?

Turn round and see pIums in your face.

Top banta. They call us Bant and Dec. Don't they?

- Well, we sometimes call ourseIves that. - Yeah.

And Brentertainment.

- That's more you. - You're in. Come here.

David's David, isn't he?

He's just... He's a lovely bloke. I think he's brilliant.

Makes me laugh anyway. l know most people don't get him...

but I do.

Most peopIe don't get me, but he does. So it's nice.

It's good that we've found each other.

He's gonna heIp me, um, showcase some of my comedy characters.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Aren't you? Trying to get that done.

Got one character called LioneI Fancy.

Oh hello, my name's LioneI Fancy.

His catchphrase is, "Chance'd be a fine thing."

- And it works with anything. - It does. It does.

Just say something to me.

- All right, LioneI? What you up to today? - No.

Say, um, "All right, LioneI, I'm just making some dinner.

"Do you want something hot inside you?"

Oh, hello.

All right, LioneI, I'm just making some dinner.

- Fancy something hot inside you? - Chance'd be a fine thing.

All right, LioneI, are you worried about AIDS?

Don't say that.

I got one, uh, character called Dopey O'Leary. An Irishman.

l like making people laugh.

Sue me.

I like making peopIe feeI, more importantIy.

Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy, whatever, you know.

I get inside your head.

Maybe get inside your heart.

I got one character called Ho Lee Fuk.

- Ooh, no. Ooh, no! - It's all right. It's not swearing.

That's his name. He's a littIe Chinaman.

CIever.

Hello, my name's Ho Lee Fuk.

I'm not weird-Iooking. You're the weird-Iooking one.

From the Chinaman's perspective, at Iast, I flipped it.

Oh, you fripped it.

He's fripped it.

- This is why we get on. Same IeveI. - Hang on a second.

Can you fucking keep it down? Yeah. Can you keep it down?

- David? Can I have a word? - Huh? Yeah.

What you want?

What you want? Sirry rady.

I'm sure you didn't mean to cause offence, David.

But, as you know, we have to consider everyone's feelings in the workpIace.

Yeah. Correctamundo.

You're happy to propagate a stereotype of Irish peopIe

being educationally subnormaI

or gay peopIe being ridicuIousIy camp?

Well, I never actually specify whether he is a homosexuaI or not.

So that's in your mind.

What about telling sexist jokes to women?

Oh, you're saying I shouId onIy tell them to men? Sexist.

No. I'm saying you shouIdn't tell sexist jokes at all.

Oh, okay.

- You said something about bras? - Yeah, just harmIess fun.

Go on.

What's the definition of a gIass bra? Smash and grab. Honk, honk.

Okay. Well, vioIence against women is seIdom a Iaughing matter.

Where's the vioIence?

You're smashing a woman's bra, and then you're grabbing her breasts.

Not literally. In a joke. And the vioIence isn't the funny bit.

What is the funny bit, David?

Um, honk, honk.

Funny noise, funny organs.

So...

Well, I don't think it warrants any formaI disciplinary action.

- Shame. - Uh...

- It can be arranged. - Oh.

- But as I said, be aware... - Hmm? I will.

...and sensitive to difference.

Ah, you'll see how sensitive I am to difference.

Get a cab then. I'll pay you back when you get here.

Because I need you to. Trust me, it'll be fun.

All right. Call when you get here.

All right, cheers. Bye.

So...

Miriam is going to eat humbIe pie.

Not the pie she's used to.

I mean, she's slightIy overweight and likes appIe pie.

Not hairy pie. She's a Iezzer. I mean...

It's like having a 1 5-year-oId kid in the office, you know?

Your Iack of humour warning.

And l find him an irritant.

l mean, normally l just shut my door when l hear him,

because it's just... It just puts me off my work.

Where am I supposed to be? I'm just, like, in reception.

Here. I'm down here.

- Flippin' hell. - Come here.

I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam. It's, uh, my bIack friend.

So,

that's what I've been... Mixed race, actually.

My favourite.

His dad was bIack, his mum was white. Get over it.

- My dad was white. My mum was bIack. - Oh.

Even more different. Her face.

Let's just not... I've been trying to say...

I first met David...

I was rapping in this open mic thing in a pub in SIough.

It's, you know, where we're both from.

And he came over and said he wanted to manage me.

You know? I mean, I didn't know at the time he was a saIes rep.

- Is that it? - Yeah.

- It's the onIy reason I'm here? - Yeah.

It's important. You off?

It's just my mate.

Going off on tour.

- Him? - Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

That's cooI.

Yeah.

l've booked a session today in a top-notch recording studio.

- Hello? - David.

Here we go.

Studio.

l love making demos. l do it a lot, you know.

lt not only gives the record company an idea of what I can do.

lt gives me an idea of what l could do, and that's the buzz.

Dan. My usuaI engineer.

Well I've done one session with Dom. It was meant to be with Dom.

lt started off he was kind of managing me and, um, he was paying

for me to make my demos which was cool. And then,

suddenIy, like, he wanted to co-write songs

and then before I knew it, he was, like, doing his own songs and saying,

"Oh, will you do a rap on this, do a rap on that?"

And now it's like some kind of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deaI.

Okay, I'm gonna cut the bullshit.

- That wouId be great, yeah. - I'm head-hunting.

Putting a tour together.

Do you wanna be part of that? Drive the gang?

On stage sound. Roadie.

- What sort of tour? - Showcasing the band.

AIso hoteIs, rider.

So it's some work and some food and somewhere to sIeep?

Here we go. PIaying hardball. Yeah?

- Are we taIking bunse? - Well we're certainIy not taIking English.

- What do you earn here? - That's not the issue.

I'll doubIe it.

Really?

I never dreamt he'd be on that much.

It's a bit annoying. It eats up the budget.

But you pay peopIe well,

they wanna do a good job and they wanna keep their job.

So... I'll just cash in another pension.

That's what I've been doing to finance all this.

I took out a Iot of private pensions in the '90s, you know.

And some of them are worth as much as I've put in now, so...

And I wouId have spent that money by now.

And now I am gonna spend it on rock 'n' roll.

But keep the drums sounding big though.

David is... He's on-site.

Deep down he's supporting me, and I'm sure he'd Iove to see me do well.

It's not a Iot right now, but, you know, see how this tour goes. Never know.

There's a similarity there, you know.

l mean, in some ways we're very alike.

Except, you know, he's white and old and his music is terribIe.

But, I mean, we're both just trying to make it, you know,

I'm just not... not 1 00% sure what his "it" is.

Bit of a cock-up.

I've onIy got four days actuaI holiday Ieave Ieft.

So I've gotta take 1 1 days unpaid.

- Yeah. - So...

That's all right, you know, sort of.

This is a holiday, isn't it? It's what I Iove doing, so...

And if I get signed, it's all been worth it.

Er, so my Iast day is next Friday.

Yeah. Make sure your clients are covered for the month

and you're away.

Yeah, I am indeed.

- Back on the phones then. - Yeah.

Yeah. Back on the phone.

It's daft.

l mean, wasting his holiday in trying to be a pop star.

He'd be far better off, you know, having a coupIe of weeks in Marbella.

ReIax, nice tan...

Still, his money, his life, innit?

- It's on. Yeah. - Ooh.

Uh...

My Iast week, next week. Then I'm off.

Got a few more... gigs to book in.

Get the record companies down, get signed.

Bye-bye nine to five.

Sorry.

No. So, rehearsaI tomorrow.

Wait till you see the band.

Great bunch of kids.

Foregone ConcIusion, Mark II.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

l did try and get the old crew back together,

but, um, they hadn't really weathered as well as me.

Reggie MentaI.

He can't drum any more. His back's gone.

He's on painkillers and physio, permanentIy, you know.

He's basically an invalid now.

From that.

Jack.

He's married now with four kids. Look at him there.

Under the thumb.

I bumped into him in Reading, down the OracIe.

And he was shopping with his wife, hoIding hands with kids,

carrying shopping, papoose with a new baby in it.

And he Iooked at me,

and he didn't literally say it out Ioud, because his wife was there,

but I couId see in his eyes, he was saying, "Kill me."

From that.

And the saddest of all... Mammogram.

ReaI name, Craig Monkford.

Wow, great guy. Brilliant guitarist.

Life and souI of the party. And he knew how to party.

His nickname is from the fact

that he'd aIways turn up to your door with a different girI with big boobs.

So, nothing to do with cancer, um...

But he is now doing two years for 1 1 different counts of sexuaI assauIt.

Hiya.

Saturday, innit? So...

RehearsaIs. Yeah, this is where it all happens.

This is the Iast one, actually, before the tour.

That's all booked.

Well, I got six or seven gigs in.

Still a few gaps. I'll be filling those.

There are guys here Iooking for opportunities.

Um...

If not, I'll have a day off.

That aIways heIps with the oId tonsils.

So...

Anyway...

Keep the noise down. Nah, turn it up.

Let's rock.

Yeah, boom, that's perfect. And then, like, eight bars of this. Yeah?

Whassup?

Come on, Iet's do some work now then.

Here's the band. Foregone ConcIusion, Mark II.

- He's not in it. He's just, you know... - We're just gonna, um, finish this.

Yeah, Iet's do some... Let's do some... You know him.

Look. He's aIready at work. I gave him the gig.

Stu Monkford.

Mammogram's nephew I was telling you about.

What do you call a bIoke who hangs round with musicians?

The drummer.

Andy. We have got Mike and Steve. They're brothers.

Don't Iook alike, do they? The beard's different.

I guess like with most session musicians, you get, like, a call...

gets put in to your agent, and they, um, you know, say,

"Are you available? Is it something you actually wanna do?"

Um, in this case, not particuIarIy,

but at the same time, you know, you go where the money goes

because you can't ever guarantee when the next lot of work's gonna come in.

For us, it's just, you know,

we're out, and we're getting paid, and we're pIaying.

Let's do it. Let's rock.

What shall we do? Let's do, um, Ooh La La.

- I'm not in that one. - He's not in this one.

Starts with an acoustic.

# SoId my shack in Memphis

# Bought me a ChevroIet

# Six string in the back And a bottIe of Jack

# And l headed down to Mexico Way

# Singing ooh Ia Ia Ia

# Ooh Ia Ia Ia Ia Iay

# Ooh Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

# lt's a beautiful day #

Okay. Let's do it.

I'll send a cheque over.

l've been putting all the gigs in, you know.

Hopefully l'll get a solid three-week bIock.

I'll get to work on it, promoting it.

That we can build, and get A&R along.

Um, but, you know, the... the tour's shaping up.

I'm the artist and the manager.

I have to book the hoteIs.

The oId credit card has taken a bit of a hammering.

My fIexibIe friend.

Yeah, um...

They're gonna be gutted when I'm gone.

But at the same time, they know it's what I want and deserve.

Hence, they're gonna be happy for me. So, mixed emotions.

Right, I better say goodbye to everyone before I jet off.

Um, I hope they haven't made a big fuss.

You know what I mean? It's not like I'm going forever.

Even if I get signed, I'm gonna pop in. But...

Oh...

See you Iater, guys. I'm off on tour.

Keep selling. Where's NigeI?

- He's out selling. - Is he?

- Is he really? - Yeah.

- Where is he? - Maidenhead.

All right. Good.

Ah, thought so. You...

We did this to Pete Gibbons.

He thought we hadn't done anything,

and we got a massive whip-round going, and we, um, we got him a...

"Break a Ieg, Pauline." It is just from you, is it?

- Yeah. - All right.

lt's exciting, really, for him.

The office is gonna be a bit quiet

which is gonna be a shame.

Brings a littIe sparkIe.

- Is he really out selling? - Yeah.

- Is he? - Yeah.

When he waIks in, you don't know what he's gonna say,

and... he does brighten up my day a little bit.

Is NigeI out selling?

He might try to be funny,

and not... maybe peopIe don't find him funny, but I do.

Right. That's 'cause I said to him I don't want a fuss, so he went...

So he didn't, er...

First gig, Monday.

Have a nice time.

Yeah. Right.

See you.

Oh...

- See you Iater. - Bye.

Bye. Bye.

This isn't like, you know, when l left Wernham Hogg.

l was the head of that family. A lot more emotional for everyone.

Being made redundant, and the whole fame thing,

that got to me a bit.

I had a nervous breakdown.

I spent a littIe bit of time in a... a facility.

VoIuntary, you know.

But, nah, not for me.

I practice the ancient medicaI art of "bIoody pull yourseIf together, mate".

So, I was on Prozac for about six months.

Er, ballooned up to about 1 6 stone at one point.

l'd given up.

The lads started calling me Brentasaurus. All good fun.

Not at the time. I burst into tears... and wanted to kill myseIf.

But l turned it round, you know.

Got fit.

Inside and out.

- Hi. - Hi, David.

Hi, Sandra.

And l found myself again, you know,

and I started to do what I do best, entertain.

Triple threat. Music, comedy, wisdom.

- WouId you like to go out for a coffee? - No.

- She is mentaI, isn't she? - Well...

A proper Ioon. A dead bee.

How are you? Brilliant. Never feIt better.

Happiest I've been, probabIy, doing these sessions with a professionaI.

Now I decided to sort everything out.

Body, mind, and spirit. I've done that, so... I'm empowered now.

Power in the, not the politicaI sense, or, you know...

But I mean, inner strength.

That's what I think it is. Mind power, really, isn't it?

It's willpower, um...

And, uh, you know, am I a free willist? I'm a do-as-thou-willist.

So, it does make... It makes sense up there...

- David... - Go on.

- Have you had the dream again? - No.

No.

So what do you wanna taIk about? Shoot.

- Don't read anything into that. - Okay...

No, I just thought... When I said it, I thought of...

Don't matter.

Okay, um... So what do you want to taIk about?

- That's what we're here for, so... - The band.

- The band? Of course. Okay. - Yeah.

- Tell me about the band. - That's what's happening.

- Yeah? - We're going on tour. Great bunch of guys.

And we're... I've booked some gigs.

Taken the time off work,

and gonna get A&R peopIe aIong, get signed, put an aIbum out.

- Mmm-hmm. Can I ask you a question? - Go on.

What happens if you don't get a record deaI?

- Failure is not an option. - Well, it is, David, isn't it?

She's meant to big me up... make me feeI better.

But it's all like, "Oh, what if you fail? Be prepared."

What a downer. She doesn't mind me throwing money at her.

At Ieast I enjoy my music. Do you know what I mean?

She makes me nervous. She's aIways writing notes.

And I'm thinking, "What's she writing?"

She couId write anything. "He's a pervert. He's a Ioser."

Gives me the creeps to be honest...

Next week, yeah. See you Iater.

Bye.

That's the tour outfit.

l try to incorporate all my influences there, really.

It's a bit new romantic but modern.

A bit BubI�. A bit David Essex.

We're nearly there.

Off on tour. Getting everything ready.

Yeah, l get a sort of adrenaline rush when I think about it.

And that's not fear. That's like, "Let's do this."

Let's book a string of gigs.

Book a tour bus. BeautifuI tour bus.

Top-of-the-range. State-of-the-art.

Air-conditioning, bunks.

lt's like a party on wheels.

Oh God, I hope we get some sIeep.

I'm up and down the country all the time, you know.

On the road is where I really come alive.

So, just swapping the oId Insignia for the tour bus.

Here we go.

Oh...

Whassup?

See you Iater.

Ah...

There's not a Iot of room on there,

so we think it's better I follow behind.

Good idea, in a way.

Whassup...

Quite expensive, that bus.

So, I think they'll enjoy it.

No, it's right that the lead singer gets his own vehicle.

I think they're thinking of me...

lf my headspace is right, then the performance is better.

CIever.

HoteI.

Oh, life on the road. Love it.

It's all here.

Tea, coffee, TV, bed.

Just wanna sit down.

Desk, mirror.

Look at that.

It's all here.

Ah, all right.

Sound check.

I Iove sound checks.

Checking all the sound and...

l love being backstage.

And the band have insisted l have my own dressing room, which is...

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Oh, my days.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Let's go and say hello.

Drugs raid.

Your faces...

No.

They don't do drugs.

UnIess you count aIcohoI. That is a drug, innit? So...

That's what makes me Iaugh, all this, "Ban marijuana."

Shut up.

Ban it? Why? It's a drug, yeah?

So is your white wine.

Just a bit of weed.

LikkIe bit of herb, innit?

- What, you just chilling out? - Yeah.

Don't bIame you.

I think I'm gonna go and...

See you Iater.

That's bad, innit?

- Do you wanna cIose it? - Huh?

- Just cIose the door. - Yeah.

That needs oiling.

Can we get a bit of bass?

Two.

Two. One, two.

One, two. Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Let's go and get some beers.

You might as well stay up there, as you're on in two minutes.

Really?

- When do they open the doors? - They're open.

No one's come through to see the first band on.

For... We, uh...

Well, can you tell them they can come in for free?

- Well, you won't make any money, then. - I know, but we want a crowd, don't we?

All right.

Oh, God.

I haven't even time to change into my stage gear.

It's good that I'm aIways sort of dressed for rock, isn't it?

- DoubIe denim? - Yeah.

- I never doubIe denim. - AIways doubIe denim.

Here they come. Come on in.

WeIcome to Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

Not the original band. Um, long story.

Little bit of trivia though.

Mammogram's nephew, Stu Monkford.

Yeah. Got all his uncIe's skills. Not the sexuaI assauIt.

He hasn't any... Not yet, anyway.

His uncIe didn't start tilI he was 40, which is weird.

But as of now, this dude has not raped anyone.

Just do the songs, David.

# SoId my shack in Memphis

# Bought me a ChevroIet

# Six string in the back And a bottIe of Jack

# And l headed down to Mexico way

# Singing ooh Ia Ia Ia

# Ooh Ia Ia Ia Ia Iay

# Ooh Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia Ia

# lt's a beautiful day #

Guitar soIo.

Back to back.

He went down. Tried to styIe it out.

Just can't believe it.

- I fell over. - Yeah, I know.

- Do you think they noticed? - Yes.

I'm spending three weeks of my life on tour with this guy.

Here we go again.

# I work so hard Just to pay my bills

# l play even harder Yeah, life kills

# Now I'm burnin' rubber on the M25

# Got a crazy weekend

# Some of us won't make it out alive

# 'Cause this is my day

# Thank fuck it's Friday #

"I was worried about this tour," he admits.

Yeah. "What if it's a failure? What if no one comes?

- "What if I haven't got what it takes?" - Yeah.

And then, the ghost of AIexander O'NeaI visited me in a dream one night,

and said, "You have got what it takes, and you owe it to the worId to do this."

So...

But you know that was just you thinking that, don't you?

I was dreaming it.

Well, either way, the ghost of AIexander O'NeaI didn't really come.

Hang on, AIexander O'NeaI isn't even dead, is he?

- Luther Vandross. - Oh, okay.

It was Luther Vandross, not AIexander, who is dead,

and one of the best souI singers that's ever lived.

Or am I...

No, he's good.

- He's good. - Ooh, from the horse's mouth.

So...

Okay, and did Luther give you any other advice?

Did he taIk about what it was costing?

- Did he... - No, he just said it's gonna keep going.

So I think that means this tour is gonna get better and better.

- It's not really a tour, though, is it? - Well...

It's like seven or eight random gigs over a three-week period.

Well, I couIdn't fill all the dates.

But I'm gonna use that time to create a buzz.

It's about... It's the whoIe package with me.

Yeah, but this tour of yours is over such a contained area

that we end up staying in these hoteIs,

and you couId just drive to each gig.

You know, Iast night,

the drive from the gig to this hoteI was further than it was to your house.

That's the whoIe package. That's what I'm taIking about.

Okay, and do you know how many tickets we've soId for the next gig?

- Do you wanna have a guess? - Not many. But don't worry about that,

because I've secured an interview on a radio station to sort all that out.

- Radio 1 ? - No.

- AbsoIute? - No.

- Is it CapitaI... - TadIey FM.

# l lost my heart to a lady gypsy

# So Iong ago I forget her name

# But I still remember The smell of the fIowers

# And the way my life WouId never be the same #

Okay.

That was Lady Gypsy by the chap sitting in front of me.

Now, you've never heard that track before because it's never been reIeased.

And it's never been reIeased because he doesn't have a record deaI.

Mmm, who couId that be?

Well, you've probabIy never heard of him.

But, uh, stars from reality TV shows,

such as Made In CheIsea and The OnIy Way Is Essex,

they're househoId names these days.

But I am sitting with one of the originaI docu-soap stars,

- David Brent. - Hello.

Now, for our listeners who've compIeteIy forgotten who you are,

which I certainIy have. My bad. Sorry.

Or who weren't even born when The Office was on TV.

You were part of a BBC Two documentary

that followed the life of a paper merchant in SIough,

- called Wernham Hogg. - Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

It was a bit like The Call Centre, and you were a Neville of its day.

Well, I was the regionaI manager...

And how did it feeI when peopIe were just waIking around, going,

"Oh, my God, that manager, he's such an... idiot"?

Well, you know...

- Didn't care? - No, because...

- You weren't embarrassed? - No, 'cause not everyone was saying that...

Not even a littIe bit? Quite embarrassing.

No, because a Iot of peopIe thought it was very entertaining...

- Yeah, we Iove a Ioser, don't we? - Yeah...

Well, anyway, so you're back, and you're giving it another go.

Are you hoping to change peopIe's opinions of you this time?

- I'm not doing that any more... - I'll tell you what.

Seeing as you're here, can we just pIay "Sausage or Pie"?

- What is that? - Uh, we pIay it with all of our guests.

Basically, I say a manufacturer's name,

and you tell me if it's a sausage or a pie.

- Right. Okay. - Okay?

Now, you've got seven to knock Christopher Biggins off the top spot.

Now that guy really knows his sausages and his pies.

- Okay. - Okay.

- You ready? Pukka? - Yeah. Okay.

No, that's wrong. I gotta take your first answer. It's actually...

I didn't know it was a question. I thought it was...

- Fray Bentos? - Pie.

Very good. Johnsonville?

- Pie. - Wrong.

It's a sausage. Sorry. The cIue was in the titIe, mate.

Right. Okay.

You're IeveI with Todd Carty. Okay. Wing Wah?

- Pie. - Sausage again.

- I'm sorry... - Where did you get him from?

- I thought he'd be good at this. - No, it's just that it's not...

Oh, we're out of time, I'm afraid.

So, I didn't even mention the gig.

And that was the whoIe point of doing this.

Sixteen tickets soId.

Waste of time.

And you onIy got one point on "Sausage or Pie".

I don't care about that shit!

People often say to me, they say, "Oi, Brent, you're a philosopher.

"You're a Ieader of men.

"You're a great comedic mind.

"But is there anything you won't joke about?"

And l always say, "Yes, the handicapped".

So I will not Iaugh at them.

Or with them, just to be sure.

Also, you might get in trouble.

And that's in this. lt's sort of a warning.

Part of the probIem is the fact that he expIains

- every singIe Iyric. - Every singIe Iyric.

- We can't just pIay a song. - Which... No.

They don't really need expIaining, do they?

And we have to sit there with our instruments,

- waiting for the song to start. - Yeah, it's...

That's so... Yea. lt's excruciating.

# Oh, pIease don't make fun Of the disabIeds

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mentaI in the head

# Or mentaI in the Iegs

We've been in a lot of bands together,

and I'd say David is, sort of, the personification of...

all of our most embarrassing moments ever, being in bands...

Yeah.

- ...magnified by about a hundred. - Yeah.

# PIease be kind To the ones with feebIe minds

# Help the awkward through a door

# HoId their hand

# lf they've got one, understand

# You might have to feed

# The worst ones

# Through a straw

# lt's basically a head on a pillow

# Head on a pillow Head on a pillow

# Oh, pIease don't make fun Of the disabIed

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mentaI in the head

# Or mentaI in the Iegs

# Doesn't mean their sorrow doesn't show

# Oh, no, no, no

# Oh, no, no, no #

lt's for that little guy there.

Well done. WeIcome.

No one's coming to the gigs. Fundamentally, that's the main problem.

David's idea of problem solving,

is just to throw more money at it.

I don't know what to do with him.

SpecuIate to accumuIate. It's business.

I'm thinking of spending more money 'cause it's so worth it.

- But if no one's coming to the gigs... - I'll get peopIe to come to the gig.

I'll pay someone to get peopIe to come to the gig. I will... PR.

This is like Brewster's Millions.

That's what I'm gonna do next. Get a PR.

- Can you do cash? - Yes.

-Cash in hand? -Like this.

What sort of stuff you Iooking for, then?

Radio interviews, press interviews, profile pieces.

First of all, Iet's get you noticed.

Yeah.

- Image. Sex. - Yeah.

- Publicity shots. - Let's do it.

- Yeah? What do you think? - Oh, it's all so oId-fashioned.

- What do you mean? - Take your shirt off. Be like Beckham.

Okay.

- BRIONY: Oh, no, that's awfuI. - What?

When was the Iast time you shaved your back?

About a week ago.

You haven't even got any tattoos.

Yeah, l've been thinking about getting a tattoo for bloody years.

Um, but when you're the office manager,

or representing a cleaning products company,

you've got to present a certain image.

So I give them the squeaky-cIean image.

If they saw me at the weekend, they'd bIow a fuse.

Yeah.

I was gonna have "SIough," um, but that didn't tell the whoIe story.

'Cause originally I'm from Reading, and I didn't wanna piss off that crew.

Likewise, I didn't wanna have "Reading"

because, uh, the SIough posse wouId be like, "Oh, you traitor".

So, um, yeah, I went with something that's sort of all-encompassing,

um, to show the scope of what I'm trying to do.

Sky is the limit.

Uh, I went with "Berkshire". You know, keep everyone happy.

But, uh, I'm not good... with needIes or pain.

It is painfuI. It is painfuI.

Are you nearIy done?

- About haIfway. - HaIfway? Come on.

- Do you wanna see it? - Nah.

- Go on. Have a Iook. - No, no, no. Just do it.

- Just see if you like it. - I will like it.

Just... I'm just saying, just finish it, and Iet's, um...

Oh, what's that? Is that bIood?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand.

Haresh.

- I said I didn't wanna Iook, didn't I? - All right.

Have some water.

That's it. I'm not doing any more.

- No, no. Come on. We'll finish it up. - No, no, no.

No, that's it. No, we're not gonna finish it up.

At Ieast Iet me cIean it for you.

I said I didn't wanna Iook, you made me Iook,

and that's what happens.

I'll get a pIaster on that.

It's good, innit?

That's there forever.

"You got any tattoos, David?" "Yeah."

"Can I have a Iook?" "Yeah."

Onwards and upwards.

l'm looking forward to the next gig, actually,

'cause it's a student union.

And it's, um, a guaranteed crowd.

It's their big Saturday night.

So, er, yeah, let's show them what we can do.

Here they are. The rabbIe.

I beat 'em here easy. The oId Insignia.

Sat nav. So...

What kept you?

This way.

Uh-oh.

My ugIy mug.

"David Brent. Shite Night"?

Why have they... That's...

"The crappiest entertainment of the past 50 years."

Fuck's sake, David.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

They're pissed off with me.

Like I made the poster.

It wasn't their head on a piece of dog shit, was it?

It was mine, so...

I can't do anything right.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple shake the tree

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple grind coffee #

Come in.

Oh, embarrassing. You caught me.

Well, I didn't catch you. I knocked.

- You said, "Come in". - Yeah, sorry.

Totally Iost in the art of kata.

Er, Japanese.

- So... - Right.

- Do you do it? - What?

- MartiaI arts? - No.

- You're on in ten minutes. Right. - You shouId.

Wado-Ryu wouId suit you 'cause you're wiry.

So what you Iack in power,

you make up for in range and fIexibility.

My probIem is I'm literally all power.

So Shotokan. One punch.

So it's like, "Oi, mate, I don't want any troubIe."

"Well, I do." "Oh, sorry."

"Ooh, night-night, sIeep tight. Don't Iet the bed bugs bite.

"Sorry about the teeth. I know a good dentist, Dr. Gupta.

"Tell him Brent sent you. He'll know what happened."

- I'm gonna wait outside. - See you Iater.

You all students?

- Yeah. - Yeah, thought so.

Youjust got up? You know, in time for countdown.

Um, who wants a T-shirt?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We're selling these, but l'm gonna give one away now.

Look at this.

Say hello to my littIe friend. Scarface.

Yeah.

Let's get this party started. Now...

Chris Martin's best friend is Jay Z.

Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr.

l've got one, too.

PIease weIcome Dom Johnson. Whoo.

BIack. Well, mixed race.

l'm only actually used, when you check it, on like two or three songs.

And it's his dad that's the white one.

You know, the rest of the time, l'm just standing around

at the side of the stage.

Watching his back and the audience's faces.

This one's called Equality Street.

Ah!

# Let me take you down Equality Street #

I'm starting to regret having taken this on.

l'm sorry, lads. lt's a complete joke.

I don't think any of us couId have predicted...

Just how mentaI he is.

It's our reputation, innit. That's the probIem.

What we gonna... Who's gonna take us on?

# Deyo, deyo, deyo, me say deyo

# Biddly, biddly, biddly, biddly, Biddly, biddly, bong yo #

He just has me rapping about a Iot of weird shit, you know,

that I personally wouIdn't normally rap about.

# Black people aren't crazy

# Fat people aren't lazy

# And dwarves aren't babies

# You can't just pick 'em up

# They got rights

# And anyway don't assume you could

# They're not light #

Hiya. Hiya.

I'm no Lothario, believe me,

but, um, he is the worst person, um, around women I think I've ever seen.

My mum used to say there's someone out there for everyone.

And I think for David especially, it's important to believe that.

Because... you just gotta hope and pray deep down

that there's somebody out there

who's just totally given up on life that couId make him very happy.

It's just...

Excuse me. Can we have the bill, pIease?

- Oh, shall I put it on your room? - Rooms. We're not...

Separate rooms.

- So you want separate bills? - No, no, no. Put it on my room, 1 06.

But "no" that we're not... I wouIdn't. Not with him.

And not because he's a bIack man.

Because he's a man.

I'd do it with a bIack woman, for exampIe.

Not you.

Well, yes, you. Yeah.

If you were consenting and above IegaI age,

which you obviousIy are.

Not obviousIy.

So...

As soon as he's around women,

it's like he can't relax, you know, and that's all he needs to do.

Thirty-five. So Iet's make that 50, shall we?

�1 5 tip.

Think what I'd spend on her if we were having intercourse.

SuddenIy something just switches.

It's like a wall of Jenga that just... It just crumbIes.

She's happy.

There's a moment you can just hear his body collapse.

It's bizarre.

Hello, Lavichem.

Oh.

Brentmeister.

Hello? Battersea Home for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking.

- l'm depressed. - Oh, what's up?

The gigs are shit, the band don't taIk to me,

can't get anyone along.

This is my last chance, you know.

lf l don't get signed now...

l'm running out of money and l'm running out of time.

- l'm so fed up. - Come on, mate.

This ain't like you.

You remember what you said to me once?

"It's not how hard you can hit,

"it's how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward."

It's from Rocky, mate. It's from Rocky.

Yeah... but when you said it, it made me think about life.

Whereas he was just taIking about boxing.

No, he meant it metaphorically in the movie, so...

- Yeah. Still, though, innit? - Don't tell anyone about this phone call.

All right then, I won't.

- See you Iater. - See you Iater.

- Was that David? - Uh, yeah.

- Is he okay? - No, a bit Iow.

You know, rock 'n' roll pressures.

Mmm. Dear.

- Me knackers. - Hmm?

- Well, oh, just what David says. - Oh, yeah.

Why you no risten, sirry rady?

- Ho Lee Fuk. - Yeah.

Yeah.

- Hiya. - Hiya.

- You okay? - Yeah.

You missing David?

I am, a bit.

Look, NigeI, don't start pIaying with all that crap.

You're not in charge.

I don't think all this is good for him.

- What, the tour? - No, this.

This documentary.

I think he's onIy doing it

'cause he thought it wouId be better than the first time.

But it's not better, it's worse.

Why is it worse?

You know, he was the boss at Wernham Hogg.

And he worked with basically nice peopIe.

And here he's not the boss, you know,

and it's mainIy worse because the worId's worse.

It's dog eat dog.

Keep the fucking noise down.

Keep the fucking noise down, you silly cunt.

Sit fucking down, silly bollocks.

Fuck me.

Stop fucking pIaying up to the cameras, yeah?

Jane, hello.

- Yes. - Jezza?

- We will... Hang on a second, pIease? - Why do you... Jezza.

- Hello. - Why do you taIk to peopIe like that?

Why are you such a bully?

- I'm trying to fucking work, babe. - Don't care.

So is everyone eIse.

He's onIy having a Iaugh. Look at him.

Another day, another dollar.

Checking in.

Want an earIy morning aIarm call? No.

- David, we're gonna need your card. - Yeah.

So now he's saying we gotta save money, so...

we gotta be in a twin room. Sharing.

You know, it's... it's awkward, man.

It's just not gangsta.

Hey.

Just writing a song about the, uh, plight of the Native American, so...

Which is a cause very cIose to my heart, innit?

- Is it? - Yeah, I'm aIways going on about it.

So listen.

# Oh, oh, your red heart rages

# Cut down, burned out And put in cages

# You came in peace Held up your hand

# How

# We cut it off And we stole your land

# Oh, oh, Native American

# Soar like an eagIe Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us lndians

# We're more like West Eurasians crossed with Siberians #

Have you been on Wikipedia?

- Have I been on what? - Wikipedia.

Yeah. "Migrated from West Eurasia and Siberia, 1 5..."

So knowIedge is knowIedge.

I prefer my songs to be factually accurate.

Where's the bit about them sitting like pelicans?

That's not in there, is it?

- Is it a fact though? - It's an artist's opinion.

- What artist? - Me.

Right.

- Because it sounds like a dis, though. - It's not a dis.

Native Americans Iove to be called animaIs.

Things like Soaring EagIe, Running Bear, Lone WoIf.

Yeah, but that's different. That's bears, woIves, eagIes.

- They're like cooI animaIs, bruv. - All right.

- Pelican's like a joke bird. - No.

It's like a littIe squat thing with that fat littIe throat and that.

Oh... animaI racist.

This next song is about the greatest pIace in the worId, SIough.

Everything in this song is factually accurate.

So you might Iearn something as well.

# More convenient than a Tesco Express

# CIose to Windsor But the property's less

# lt keeps the businesses Of Britain great

# lt's got Europe's Biggest trading estate

# lt doesn't matter where you're from

# You wanna work Then come along

# The station's just got a new floor

# And the motorway runs by your door

# And you know just where you're headin'

# lt's equidistant 'Tween London and Reading

# Oh, oh, oh, SIough

# SIough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Oh, oh, oh, SIough #

Ooh, yeah! SIough.

Right, who wants a T-shirt? Yeah, Whoo.

Here we go.

You play a show, and just when you think it can't get any worse,

you shoot a fat girl in the face with a T-shirt gun.

That was just ridiculous, really, wasn't it?

I didn't really know whether to Iaugh or cry.

There's been quite a few moments like that, I think.

There have, yeah.

Accidents will happen.

So... someone got shot in the face

by a T-shirt gun. You know, Iet's not make a drama out of it.

I Iet her keep the T-shirt, so... It won't fit her.

She won't get anywhere near it.

- Briony? - What?

- What are you doing? - Getting off with a bIoke.

- What did you think of the gig? - I didn't see it. I was getting off...

You were getting off with a bIoke. Yeah, sure.

Good, innit?

Paying them... to get off with peopIe.

It's a new job description, innit?

All aboard.

What if I did that? What if I just got off with peopIe all the time?

Willy-nilly.

Cheers.

...stay at his house because you won't sort yourseIf out.

- Hiya. - All right?

Just getting some cash out to go to a cIub?

Yeah.

For a drink? No need.

I've just pIayed here. I'm in a band.

They're doing a documentary about me.

So I'm staying in a... In a hoteI.

So if you wanna come back for a drink,

I got a minibar and it's...

Can we stay?

Yep.

So...

We got beer, wine.

- Was that champagne? - Yeah, but it's 25 quid

and they're just haIf bottIes, so it's not worth it.

- There's two haIf bottIes though. - Yeah, exactIy. So 50 then.

MO: Oh, there's TobIerone.

- Yeah, they're a fiver each. Two, tenner. - Give me one.

Sixty so far. That's good, innit?

- It's great. - Yeah.

Straight in the TobIerone, eh?

- Have you not eaten? - Not since dinner.

- Here we go. - Yeah. Come on, party.

Get that down you.

- ChocoIate, champagne. - Cheers.

Cheers. Right.

Cheers.

I like it here.

- Take your jackets off. - Yeah, I will, actually.

- I haven't got any cIean pants. - Huh?

She hasn't got any cIean pants.

Oh, it's hot.

It is hot.

Put them on the radiator.

So, what do you two do?

Work in an office.

Do you?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Office.

I still think there's some mouthwash if you...

- No, I'm all right. - What is it?

Just chocoIate and crisps and nuts...

- Yeah, peanuts. - ...and it's stuck in your teeth, is it?

- No. - Nightmare, aren't they?

Yeah, pain, ain't they?

Gets worse when you get oIder and then you get that sort of smell.

Yeah.

- Nothing happened. - Huh?

Just saying... Nothing happened. She sIept in that bed. Didn't you?

- Ate her way through the minibar. - What?

You had a littIe picnic Iast night, didn't you?

- With the chocoIate and crisps? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah. Bit constipated today, though.

Yes, you wouId be.

So, there you go. Good one, the other one, Ieft. Left to...

ApparentIy, just wanted to stay somewhere 'cause her fIat's being done, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit of a bomb site at the moment.

The council are putting a new bathroom in. But it was nice to have a lie-in...

- Yeah. - ...and have a IoveIy bath.

So perfect.

Oh...

Hiya. Right, okay.

So, nothing happened. Okay?

- Is that a woman? - 'Course it's a woman.

She stayed in that bed, and she made her way through that littIe Iot.

- She ate all of that? - Yes.

- She's gonna be constipated. - She is.

If you tell the band I got off with a bird...

- But you didn't. - No. No.

But if you want to do some banter with them, like,

"Oh, David got off with a girI Iast night." And don't...

- No. I just won't say anything. - You can, but listen.

Just don't describe her. Okay? Don't be specific...

- I'm off here, David. - See you Iater. Yeah.

- Okay. Thanks for the snack and that. - Not a probIem.

I'll... Snack, yeah. I'll cIean that up.

All right.

- Okay. Ta-ta, then. - Bye.

So, what... So, yeah. Yeah.

My good deed for the... �200 good deed.

Pop that in your littIe expense account, shall we?

A daily ritual is phoning around all the record companies,

just trying to get one of them to come down and see you live.

HaIf the time, they're not there.

HaIf the time we don't get through.

l managed to get one of them to bite

by pretending to be the manager of my own band.

Which l am, in a way.

- What are they called? - Foregone ConcIusion.

- AwfuI name. Yeah. - I toId them that.

I'm gonna make them change it. Don't worry about that.

- But don't hoId that against them. - Mmm-hmm.

- They're a good bunch of guys. - Sure.

- So, yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Well, l'll get one of the scouts to listen to the demo, and he can pop down.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Right, see you. Yep. Bye. - Cheers.

Right. Off to the sound check. I can't wait to tell Dom.

This is what it's all about, so...

The venue, isn't it?

Oh, God. Hi, boys.

Ah...

Has he been telling everyone I got off with a bird Iast night?

Oh, what, the big one? Yeah, we saw her. She was at breakfast.

She was Ioading up on eggs.

Oh, man, that's gonna make her even more constipated.

Yeah, eggs. Dan?

I'm coming.

Er...

Don't tell the boys, I don't wanna stress them,

but I've been winding up a record company and they're sending someone down.

- Tonight? - Yeah. I said,

"Cruise down. I'll stick you on the list."

So, uh, you might wanna Iet them know they are with a winner.

I thought you said I shouIdn't tell the band?

No, I know. I don't wanna, you know, worry 'em

'cause they're probabIy not used to the big Ieague,

but, you know, Iet them know there is a big buzz around Mr D. Brent,

ipso facto, anyone on his team.

- Don't you wanna tell them? - No.

They don't taIk to me.

They don't even have a drink with me, do they?

Why don't they have a drink with me after the gig?

You know, I am paying them. Tell them to have a drink with me.

It's just rude. Just go and ask them. Let's have a drink tonight.

Oh...

He's excited. Gonna tell the band.

They said, um, that you pay for their stage time and rehearsaI time,

but their time is their own and, um, you're not paying for that. So...

Okay. WouId they have a drink with me if I paid them for their time

to have a drink with me? Go and ask.

This is what David is.

He's like the boy that owns the football

but he doesn't really know the rules of the game.

It's his ball, right? So you have to... You can't pIay without him.

You know what l'm saying? But you kinda know he's gonna ruin it a little bit.

They said, uh, they'll drink with you for 25 quid an hour each.

Um, but you buy the drinks.

Okay. Tell them to meet me in the hoteI bar after the gig.

All right. Do I have to come?

You wanna come.

- But I'm not getting paid? - No. No.

And tell them not to tell anyone I'm paying them to have a drink.

Just... have a...

Oh...

Trying to organise some beers after to ceIebrate, so...

Hi. ShouId be on the list for Foregone ConcIusion.

- Toke Records. - Hello.

- David Brent. - Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming down. What's your name?

- Pog. - Pog?

- Yeah, and this is my mate, Jeremy. - Hi.

These dudes are on my list. Tick 'em off.

So, uh, did you hear the demo, yeah?

No. How oId are the band?

What, combined?

- What? - They're about...

There's four of 'em, 25 years oId each. I don't know, 1 00?

PIus the Iead singer.

- You do the maths. - Is the Iead singer cooI?

You do the... judge of that when you see him.

And ask yourseIf, "Is Mick Jagger cooI, 73?

"Is Bob DyIan cooI, 75?

- "Is Sting cooI?" - No.

- What? - Sting isn't cooI.

Oh...

Check it out. Listen.

Open your mind and listen. You'll enjoy it.

Have a good one.

Cheers, man.

Fucking hell. How oId is he? About 1 2?

Chill out, dude. This is rock 'n' roll.

And Sting is cooI.

Ooh !

Yeah.

We are Foregone ConcIusion.

Okay, we got a littIe treat now. We are gonna get a little bit funky.

Um, l say a little bit, but probably too funky for some.

This one is called Ain't No TroubIe. lt's through the eyes of an old Rasta.

- Don't do the voice. - You gotta do the voice.

- No, you don't. - You do.

So it's sort of like he's saying, "Oh, whatever happens to me,

"as long as l've got me woman, you know, you can do what you like, Lord."

So, it's sort of like a message.

Called Ain't No TroubIe.

I mean, you think it's painful to watch.

Yeah, l have to stand on the stage next to him while he's doing it.

It's what the dreads in UB40 have been going through for 30 years.

# l can work all day Just to earn a dollar

# l can break my bones You never hear me holler

# l can lose my home I'm kicked out in the street

# lf my baby's by my side Then life is sweet #

Maybe 'cause l'm there, he wants to play up to it

or he wants to be accepted.

But I think peopIe wouId accept him if he just was himseIf.

# l could lose my job

# But it wouId be fine

# 'Cause I couId still find The odd snob to rob

# l could get chucked out

# Of my mum's house But it couId be fun

# SIeeping rough When the sun's out

# l could lose my voice

# But l'd manage to still do

# Some sick rhyme damage With sign language

# You can take what's mine

# Almost anything X-Box, wedding ring, fish tank, terrapin

# Poke me in the eyeball, pull out a gun Say something spitefuI about my mum

# Tease my dog So he doesn't even know it

# By going to throw a bone But just pretending to throw it

# Make death threats, yeah Then l have to guess where

# Then when l get there Pull out my chest hair

# Head-butt me in the nuts if you want

# 'Cause ain't no troubIe Like losing the one you love

- # Ain't no troubIe like troubIe - # Yeah, yeah

- # When you lose the one you love - # Come on, come on

- # Ain't no troubIe like troubIe - # Yeah, yeah

- # When you lose the one you love - # Come on, come on #

What did you think?

DreadfuI. Embarrassing. I mean, the rap was all right, but...

not with some middIe-aged uncIe at a wedding dancing around.

# Then I see this face And she smiles at me

# lf l died right then... #

He's excruciating, uh, on stage and off.

And now we gotta go and have a drink with him, you know. I mean, it's awkward.

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey.

After show.

- Cheers, David. - Thanks, man.

- Cheers. - Cheers. Thank you.

- Cheers. - Cheers, mate.

Nice.

God.

Twitter. Or texting.

It's all sociaI media, isn't it?

The iPhone, the iPod...

Ten thousand songs in the paIm of your hand, yeah?

Yes, pIease.

No more Iugging round me aIbums. Let's pIay a record. Let's get it out.

God, Iet's get it out the sIeeve.

- I like vinyI. - I like vinyI.

Yeah, I Iove the whoIe thing of the paraphernalia.

Oh, Arctic Monkeys. Yeah. StyIus.

Oh, I Iove this one.

- You do like it? - Yeah.

- Right. - Yeah.

Especially if it is something like the Arctic Monkeys or...

Foo Fighters.

About time EngIand won a WorId Cup, innit?

- Yeah. - 1 966. Sort it out.

There's some fresh bIood coming through the ranks now, though.

Got some good pIayers. They need to be managed, though.

Sturridge.

Yeah, come and pIay for us, boy.

Not all this thing, "You can't have foreign pIayers".

- Well, he was born in EngIand. - No, I know. But it's like...

You can't have foreign pIayers in an internationaI team.

- No. - It's just for cIubs.

I know. I'm saying get him in, get him up front. Let's get some goaIs.

- Dom? Bob MarIey. - Hmm?

Am I right?

Yeah.

Mmm.

- Same again? - No, I can't.

- No? See you Iater. - Cheers.

- Thanks for the drinks, David. - Yeah, not a probIem, mate.

See you tomorrow. Lightweights.

- Where are you going? - I just...

- No, we're gonna have another one. - Really?

We're gonna have a Iaugh.

- Come on. - Yeah.

You're the onIy one who cares, if I'm being honest.

- Cheers, man. - Yeah.

- You're my nigga. - Whoa!

- Hey, David, you can't say that. - You are.

- You are my reaI nigga. - Stop... You don't say that.

- What? - Listen. You can't say that.

I can say it, maybe. You can't say it.

- Well you call me it, then. - I'm not gonna...

- Call me a nigga. PIease. - I'm not gonna call you...

- I'm not gonna do that. - Call me a nigga.

- Just, shh, okay... - Call me a nigga.

Stop saying that.

- You're... you're my nigga. Okay? - Yeah.

- All right. - Cheers.

Great, go to bed. Jesus.

- That's your credit card. - What?

- That's your credit card. - It's not working.

It's a credit... It's not...

CooI, dudes.

BattIe of the Bands, innit?

A great night. They do it every month, you know.

Each band gets aIong as many of their fans as they can to watch them.

The promoter gets down some record companies.

And we battIe it out.

It's not a competition. You know, we couId all get signed.

Um, but you do go on in order of how many peopIe you got aIong.

So the more you get aIong, the Iater you go on,

and a better warmed up crowd you pIay to.

- Right, you're on first, guys. - Great.

How many peopIe did we get?

- Doesn't matter. - Two.

GIad I said it didn't matter before I found out.

So, proves I'm telling the truth.

- That's so depressing. - He's joking, ain't you?

No point in pIaying to the converted all the time.

Let's get on there and win over the other bands' fans.

- Come on, chop-chop. - Yeah. Ah, whoo!

Come on.

Hello. Oh...

We are Foregone ConcIusion. Come through. We're all in this together.

Doesn't matter what band you've come to see.

Let's see all the bands, yeah?

We're gonna kick off with a song called Native American.

Um...

Typical Brent, getting political straight away.

No, it's all about how the white man went

and, sort of, slaughtered them and ensIaved them.

And it's about time someone said something, so...

Guilty.

Although they are having the last laugh.

So they can do what they like now in them reservations, can't they?

Gambling, prostitution, probabIy. I don't know.

But definitely gambling. Swings and roundabouts.

l don't think they pay tax, do they?

- Stop taIking. Let's just do the song. - Yeah.

And, uh, you'll also learn why they don't like being called Red lndians any more.

So, Native American.

l don't think there's any real racism on David's part.

I just think he just doesn't quite get it, does he?

Yeah, totally.

# White man's eyes too blind to see

# A gentle race so wild and free

# They called you savages Called you bad

# But the scalping thing Was only when you got real mad

# So

# Oh, oh Native American

# Soar like an eagIe Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us lndians

# We're more like West Eurasians Crossed with Siberians

Everyone.

# Oh, oh Native American

# Soar like an eagIe Sit like a pelican #

Wasn't great, but wouId have been better. There was a littIe surprise.

Dom was meant to come on during Native American and didn't.

Why didn't you come on?

- I couIdn't. - Why not?

Something came over me.

-Ooh, stage fright? -No, dignity.

Don't think you can get more dignified than a great warrior, so...

I'm not even a Native American.

No, you're the cIosest thing we've got, and that's a fact. So...

Okay, Madonna Kebab have pulled out.

- Anyone wanna go on earIy? - We're not going on earIy.

We can go on again. We've got Ioads of songs.

- No, you're all right. - No, I can do it.

- I couId do one of my tracks. - In that?

Yeah, I got a backing track. Not in this. I'll take this off. Two minutes.

You got your stuff now? Come on, then. Hurry up.

- No. - Come on, then.

You don't wanna do that. Backing track at a BattIe of the Bands.

Didn't know it was karaoke.

# Yo, l'm tired of this minimum wage

# Tired of this cage Tired of not being on the stage

# Tired of no one reading What l'm writing on the page

# Tired of hanging out With guys twice my age

# But what's the use of dreams To a human being

# lf they always prove unseen

# If I am who I think I am

# Then l gotta transform Be a better man

# And if you are who you think you are

# You shouId be above the cIouds You shouId be a star

# From what I see I'm sure it's hard

# Can we be more Than the cards we're deaIt?

Yeah !

# Yeah

# Maybe this is just the start

# Why can't we change The cards we're deaIt?

# Well, it's more reaI Than anything l ever felt

# But l'm feeling like an irrelevance

# l wanna soar with eagles Not waddle with pelicans

# Okay true They're birds of prey, too

# But not the cooI ones You want associated with you

# Still I wouIdn't mind the wingspan

# l could fly away From always being everybody's wingman

# l'm proper different You gotta listen

# l want a living where l got a bit more Than a pot to piss in

# l'm about to prove I can kick it off soon

# My time is overdue like a synagogue roof Come on

# Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Everybody, come on.

# Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Come on and put your hands in the air.

# Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

Keep them hands in the air. Keep them coming, come on.

# Na, na, na, Na, na, na, na, na, na

# It's more reaI Than anything l ever felt #

Thank you.

Thank you.

-What did you think? -Ah, I wasn't really watching, mate.

I was just, um...

Er, you know...

I like the Iyric about the eagIes and pelicans.

- Yeah, it's like a reference... - Yeah, I know, yeah.

Yeah, a week ago, you didn't like songs with pelicans in.

- No, I'm saying, I don't... - What is going on, bruv? So...

- Hey, dude came back. Pog. - I'm Pog.

- I, er, work for Toke Records. - Toke Records, there it is.

- Did you write that? - Yeah. Yeah.

Like I write the raps, but aIso make littIe backing tracks,

like, on my Iaptop.

Have you ever demoed them properIy?

- Yeah. We're aIways in the studio. - No...

- I'm trying to mix rap with reaI songs. - I do my own songs as well.

- Are you his manager? - A bit more than that.

Yeah. Come on.

- So... - No, I'm soIo.

- Why are you Iying? - POG: Right, yeah. Well, anyway,

- give us a call and come in for a chat. - Will do.

- Yeah, wicked. Cheers, bruv. - Yeah. Brilliant. Cheers.

- Let's have a Iook at that. - No, it's...

What? What? I can't even Iook at it now?

What has gotten into you?

"Tired of this rap race...

"And that chase...

"That chase..."

Are you gonna bother calling that Pog for a meeting?

- Yeah. Yeah, I thought I wouId. - Yeah.

- Hear him out and make a decision. - Yeah.

- Do you want me to come with you? - No.

- No? - No, you're all right.

So he doesn't think you're just a...

Some idiot off the street?

That you got the big boys behind you if you want.

I just wanna go and see what he's got to say...

- Right, and... - ...and... Yeah.

You want them to tear you a new one, do you?

And screw you? 'Cause that's what they do.

- Yeah? - No.

- I'm gonna hear him out. - No.

Ah, you're gonna hear him out, okay.

- I'm just gonna finish this line. - Yeah.

- This verse. - Have you got a rhyme for "gullibIe"?

Day off today.

I tried to get a gig in tonight but I couIdn't,

so I'm just chillaxing all day.

Not bad, is it?

So, here he is.

What are you doing today?

I'm going home. I live about four miles away.

I'm staying. I've paid for it.

Final gig tomorrow. I've saved the best till last. TypicaI.

Um, we're gonna do a Christmas song.

I've had it for a while, actually, and it's based on a true story.

Um, I read about this, uh, orphan kid in the IocaI paper.

Um, he was dying and he just wanted to stay alive till Christmas.

And this sort of imagines me singing to him,

with all the stuff that he's going through,

not to worry, because Santa's coming. It's really sweet.

Um, and I've arranged for snow to fall.

Magic moment. Production vaIue.

- David, sorry. - Yeah.

I meant to say, I heard back from the hire company.

Yep.

The snow is gonna cost 1 ,500 quid. So, you know, not worth it really.

Well, none of it's been worth it, has it? So...

The whoIe tour's been... 20 grand down.

I thought there'd be incomings. There wasn't.

Just all outgoings.

Might as well just spend another 1 ,500 quid and...

Well, no, I mean that's... Don't do that.

That's throwing good money after bad, David.

- Just cut your Iosses. - If I cut my Iosses...

Why? You know, I thought it'd be a tour with a band.

It's not a band. They're not even staying here on their day off.

They're away. No one's come to see us.

We're not gonna get signed. So...

So don't waste more money.

Why not?

What, why not? Why not what?

Do you think I'm a prat?

No. No.

I think...

To be honest, I think you're...

I think you're chasing something that...

- I can't have. - ...that you don't need.

That's not gonna... That's not gonna heIp.

- What do you mean? - I mean, I think...

You seem to think that unIess you're on stage performing,

that peopIe aren't gonna like you.

They're probabIy not.

Well, then why wouId you wanna be liked by peopIe like that anyway?

You know, you don't have to be on stage to be worth something.

And peopIe who like you are still gonna like you even if you're not performing.

ProbIem is not a Iot of peopIe like me, do they?

Don't spend any more money on this tour, okay? PIease?

Don't cash in another pension or whatever. I'll do the rest for free.

- The snow costs 1 ,500 quid, so you... - We don't need snow, David.

We don't need it.

And... for the record, I like you.

- Yeah? - Don't make me say it again.

- All right? Have a good day. - See you Iater.

Dan's right. We don't need snow.

l'm usually really good with budgets.

But l never dreamt so few people would wanna come along and see us.

You know, I was...

lf the gigs would have sold out, l would have only lost about eight grand.

Which is fine,

particularly if a record company wouId have liked us.

But...

I just wanted some shitty snow. Just as a magic moment, you know.

# Don't cry, it's Christmas Santa's coming soon

# Though you ain't got a mummy or daddy

# Santa still Ioves you

# And he's riding on his reindeer

It's been an interesting tour, this.

Um, l think we possibly took it all a little bit too seriously

when we were in the middIe of it all.

Um, but, actually, it's definiteIy one of the funniest tours I've ever been on.

I quite like Brent.

# Don't cry, it's Christmas Santa's feeling fine

# Though you know you'll never see him

# He's not just in your mind

# And it's not that he's invisibIe lt's because you're going blind

# But don't cry, it's Christmas Santa's feeling fine

You know what? End of the day, it's better than a proper job.

Like it's... it's been all right.

Few drinks, few gigs.

CouId have been worse.

# Though he's got a billion children He's only got one day

# You've got slightly less than that lf l were you l'd pray

# But don't cry, it's Christmas

# Everything's okay

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas - # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas - # It's Christmas

l may have been an idiot, but l paid for the snow.

Yes, of course it's a waste of money. It's a huge waste of money.

Um, but at Ieast it's my money. At Ieast it's not more of his.

And, to be fair, I've made more than enough out of him.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas - # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas - # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

- # It's Christmas - # It's Christmas

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# It's Christmas #

I don't need to be a rock star, you know?

That's just something l enjoy doing.

I can live without being "a success."

But, um...

I couIdn't have lived without trying.

And I did that.

So... And everything works out, doesn't it?

You think you want one thing aIong the way,

and then you realise you needed something eIse.

Life's a struggIe... with littIe beautifuI surprises

that make you wanna carry on through all the shit

to the next littIe beautifuI surprise.

So, yeah,

all good.

He's back.

Christ. See you, Kaz.

- Did you miss me? - Did you have fun?

Fun's not the word.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

- Here he comes. - Come on.

What resilience from a human being.

I've never known anyone like him.

- How are you? - Buzzing, mate.

- Good. - AbsoIuteIy buzzing.

- Yes, mate. - Best time of my life.

And everything worked out brilliant, you know.

Dom's got a littIe record deaI.

# If I am who I think I am

# Then l gotta transform Be a better man #

Making a single. Toke Records.

I invited them down. I said, "Come out and check out this kid".

They went, "All right". Boom.

The band are on tour with Peter Andre.

So they've fallen on their feet.

# Oh, oh, oh

# Mysterious girl l wanna get close to you #

And I've worked out, if I do overtime,

work Saturdays for about eight or nine months,

I can do it all again. Just call them up.

"It's back on. We're gonna kick some more arse."

Brent? Got Bob Wonk on the phone.

- He needs jam rags ASAP. - On it.

Simon Cowell didn't sign you up, then?

No. No.

Banta.

l feel... l do quite feel sorry for him, to be honest.

The boys here, they're quite rude to him.

And I know he's obviousIy gone on this tour and he's doing all that,

but I kinda feeI like...

Sorry, I don't know why I'm getting emotionaI.

I just feeI like...

I can see through it sometimes.

His smiles.

l hope he does well.

They can Iaugh.

They're no better than me.

Just 'cause they're reps who like being reps,

and I'm a rep who wants to be something eIse.

With that attitude, they'll be reps for the rest of their life.

I might be a rep for the rest of my life, but...

I was a rock star once.

UseIess prick now though, ain't you?

What are you good at, eh? Nothing.

Fuck.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Knobhead.

- I thought you was great. - At what?

I came to see you pIay Iast week.

Oh, I... I didn't see you.

No, I just snuck in. I didn't wanna put you off.

Cheers.

- Want a coffee? - No, I'm... Got a free one coming.

Costa.

Actually, I got two coming, I think.

- Do you want one? - Yes, pIease.

Two coffees, coming up.

- Shall I come with you? - If you want. Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, trust me. I'm aIready thinking of a new song.

- Just from going for coffee? - Yeah. It's what I do.

I sort of take everyday situations,

and then I Iook at them from a different perspective.

It's gonna be a CoIdpIay vibe, I think. 'Cause that's what Chris Martin does.

He gets really mundane things

and he makes them about the universe, and stars, and eIectricity and shit, so...

- It's interesting. - Yeah, probabIy stick it in C major.

- Is that your favourite chord? - Just a bit, yeah.

Guilty.

# l was looking up to heaven

# lt was right under my nose

# l had travelled many light years

# lt was right across the road

# A billion trillion grains of stardust

# Floating round in space

# Two of them collided

# ln an ordinary place

# We are electricity

# We will never die

# We'll just burn and burst

# And return to the sky

# This world can't contain you

# Gravity won't restrain you

# Fly with me

# High with me

# High

# We are electricity

# We will never die

# We'll just burn and burst

# And return to the sky

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# The universe refIected

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# Just when l least expected

# We are electricity

# The universe reflects in you and me

# We're electricity

# Just when l least expected

# Half a tank should get me to Millbank

# I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

# lt's just a meeting lt's only fleeting

# lt's just a pitch And then l'm up to lpswich

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But no more

# Wheeler dealing no feeling

# StrictIy business I'm killin' it in Widnes

# Then to GIoucester I get a Costa

# Hard shouIder Coffee hoIder

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But never more

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But no more

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the fIoor

# Seventy miles an hour But no more #