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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,499 (Narrator) 'This is Cleopatra, the fabulous queen of the Nile, 2 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:06,665 'whose only resemblance to an iceberg 3 00:02:06,791 --> 00:02:09,415 'is that no more than one tenth of her is visible. 4 00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:13,957 'while nine tenths, the better part of her, is beneath the surface. 5 00:02:14,083 --> 00:02:18,124 'Fate has decreed that the mighty leader of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra 6 00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:21,624 'should be flung together into the melting pot of history. 7 00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:24,332 Aargh! 8 00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:32,290 'And this is the ancient British settlement of Cockium inconnoviae. 9 00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:34,165 'where lived the inventor of the device 10 00:02:34,291 --> 00:02:37,124 'that has brought to generations of beautifuI girls 11 00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,332 'the healthy exercise known as "having to walk home". 12 00:02:42,875 --> 00:02:46,415 'As he worked at his wheels, this simple Briton, Hengist Pod, 13 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,999 'would listen to his wife telling him what he should do with them.' 14 00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:52,915 Wheels, wheels, wheels, that's all you ever think about. 15 00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:54,332 Doesn't matter about me, oh, no, 16 00:02:54,458 --> 00:02:56,999 never mind about taking me out for a bit of fun. 17 00:02:57,125 --> 00:03:00,249 it's all very well your sitting there making perishing wheels, 18 00:03:00,375 --> 00:03:01,915 but what sort of life is it for me? 19 00:03:02,041 --> 00:03:04,790 Nothing but the same drear old round, day in, day out. 20 00:03:04,916 --> 00:03:08,749 Stuck in this miserable hovel, while you go your own sweet way. 21 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:11,249 - Scraping and screwing? - Scraping and screwing. 22 00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:14,540 Trying to keep a roof over my head with precious little help from you. 23 00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:17,707 - Fingers to the bone? - Working my fingers to the bone. 24 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,290 - Scrubbing and clearing up after you. - Hot ash-pit? 25 00:03:20,416 --> 00:03:23,582 Slaving away over a hot ash-pit morning, noon and night. 26 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:26,624 Cooking meals that nobody appreciates, and for what? 27 00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:29,957 - insults and ingratitude? - insults and ingratitude. 28 00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:34,499 I've given you the best years of my life, Hengist Pod, and do you care? 29 00:03:34,625 --> 00:03:36,374 - Not a jot. - Not a jot, you don't. 30 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,082 For all you care, I may as well not be here. 31 00:03:38,208 --> 00:03:39,957 Well, my mother warned me. 32 00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:43,457 "You'll never get anywhere with him," she said. "He's a dreamer." 33 00:03:43,583 --> 00:03:46,749 Poor Mother. I'm glad she's not here to see this. 34 00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:50,374 I'm glad she's not here as well, the silly old... 35 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:53,624 - What did you say? - is the tea ready? 36 00:04:05,041 --> 00:04:07,415 - Good day to you. - Oh! Hello. 37 00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:10,582 I'm your new neighbour. I've just moved into the next cave. 38 00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,457 We were gonna take that, 39 00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:14,874 but we didn't like the idea of constant running water. 40 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,790 - isn't that an advantage? - Not when it's running through the roof! 41 00:04:18,916 --> 00:04:21,999 Excuse me, but I was just admiring that thing you're making. 42 00:04:22,125 --> 00:04:25,374 It's ver good. What is it? 43 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,665 Oh, it's a wheel. It's for going on a cart. 44 00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:31,707 Where I come from, they have things to go on carts, 45 00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,582 but they're sort of round, like that. 46 00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,790 Yes, yes, yes. I know all about those. 47 00:04:35,916 --> 00:04:38,540 But the trouble with them is, you see, that if you stop on a hill, 48 00:04:38,666 --> 00:04:40,040 they roll backwards. 49 00:04:41,125 --> 00:04:45,165 - This one won't, you see. - Ah, but... but will it roll forwards? 50 00:04:45,291 --> 00:04:49,957 Obviously, if it can't roll backwards, there's only one way left for it to go. 51 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:53,082 And another thing. If you think you're going to get away with... 52 00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:55,207 Oh! I beg your pardon. 53 00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:57,665 I didn't know we had company. 54 00:04:57,791 --> 00:04:59,790 This is our next-door neighbour, dear, Mr um... 55 00:04:59,916 --> 00:05:01,749 Horsa. Son of Ethelred. 56 00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:03,457 Not Ethelred the Unready? 57 00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:06,124 No, my dad was always ready. So my mum said! 58 00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,957 How do you do, Mr Horsa? 59 00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:10,707 Please excuse the way I look. 60 00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:13,915 I haven't had a chance to put on a lick of woad this morning. 61 00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,499 Not at all. You look lovely. 62 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:18,874 My name's Pod, Hengist Pod. This is my wife Senna. 63 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,874 Senna! Oh! That's a pretty... 64 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,874 - Pretty what? - Er, pretty name. 65 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,040 It was, till I married somebody called Pod. 66 00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:29,290 I shall excuse my wife. She's not quite herself. 67 00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:31,915 Her poor old mother was eaten by a brontosaurus. 68 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:34,249 - That was too bad. - Yes, you're right. 69 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,874 Brontosaurus died within the hour. 70 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,374 - How much do you want for your wheel? - I don't know. I've never sold one before. 71 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,332 - People don't like new ideas. - I'll have it. 72 00:05:43,458 --> 00:05:45,540 Just the one? What good would that be? 73 00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:48,124 - I'll show you. - Yeah. 74 00:05:50,875 --> 00:05:52,957 Hey, what are you doing? Look! 75 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,249 They support the rim. It'll be no good without them. 76 00:05:55,375 --> 00:05:56,832 Watch. 77 00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,540 There we are. Makes a perfect frame. 78 00:06:01,666 --> 00:06:05,582 So it does, yes. But what's that square opening in the middle for? 79 00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:11,165 It's just an idea I had for letting in more light. I thought I'd call it...a win-dow. 80 00:06:11,291 --> 00:06:13,165 Win-dow. 81 00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:16,374 Oh! We can call that a win-dow-rim. 82 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:20,249 Yeah. What about window frame? 83 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:23,790 Oh, well, if you like. It's all the same. 84 00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,624 (Narrator) 'And so the good people of Cockium 85 00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:27,874 'went about their ver simple business, 86 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,874 'blissfully unaware that only a few miles north of them, 87 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,290 'the ground was shaking to the inexorable tread 88 00:06:33,416 --> 00:06:35,290 'of Julius Caesar's conquering soldiers.' 89 00:06:35,416 --> 00:06:37,832 (Roman) Sinister! Dexter! Sinister! Dexter! 90 00:06:38,791 --> 00:06:43,082 'Their leader was Mark Antony, Julius Caesar's greatest friend.' 91 00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:44,457 What a country! 92 00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:47,874 'A figure to strike awe into the hearts of men and women, 93 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,457 'for two different reasons.' 94 00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,457 (Thunder) 95 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:59,249 'Meanwhile, still blissfully unaware of the approach of the Roman legions, 96 00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:04,415 'the simple people of Cockium continued with their ver simple lives.' 97 00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:07,707 There's no prettier sight than a young couple courting. 98 00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:11,082 lt makes you want to get your club out and have a bash yourself. 99 00:07:11,208 --> 00:07:13,165 Was it like that with you and Senna? 100 00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:15,999 Sort of, except that she had the club! 101 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,249 I had my eye on a mate in Bristol. Gloria, her name was. 102 00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:22,249 Beautiful. Lovely long, strong hair. 103 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,540 I could have dragged that girI anywhere. 104 00:07:24,666 --> 00:07:25,665 Well, why didn't you? 105 00:07:25,791 --> 00:07:28,540 The damned Romans invaded her settlement. She was never seen again. 106 00:07:28,666 --> 00:07:31,290 lf those rotten Romans come here, I'll... 107 00:07:31,416 --> 00:07:33,415 - The Romans are coming! - I'll be off. 108 00:07:33,541 --> 00:07:36,332 No. Running will do you no good. Where are they? 109 00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:38,415 They're just coming over the hill, thousands of 'em. 110 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:42,207 Arm yourselves, men. Get your women and children away to the hills. 111 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,457 Go on, move! 112 00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:47,415 Do you mean to say we're gonna fight them? 113 00:07:47,541 --> 00:07:49,957 lf we can just hold them up till we get word to Boadicea and her army, 114 00:07:50,083 --> 00:07:51,124 there's a chance. 115 00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:53,499 - Can you run? - Just what I wanted to do. 116 00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,499 She's camped at Carlisle. Go like the devil. 117 00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:56,665 I'll take Senna. 118 00:07:56,791 --> 00:08:00,082 - Never mind about your wife. - It's my two-wheeler. I named it after her. 119 00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:02,457 - All right, but be quick. - You can depend on me. 120 00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:15,457 Legion! Legion! Terminus! 121 00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:19,082 What's that settlement down there? 122 00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,332 We call it Cockium inconnoviae, General. 123 00:08:21,458 --> 00:08:24,415 What a mouthful. They deserve to be done with a name like that. 124 00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:25,957 We could do with a few captives. 125 00:08:26,083 --> 00:08:28,290 They fetch 20 sesterces a time back home. 126 00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,207 It'd be silly going back empty-handed. 127 00:08:31,166 --> 00:08:32,332 Right. Order the attack. 128 00:08:32,458 --> 00:08:35,290 Legion, incursamus! 129 00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:47,957 (Horse whinnies) 130 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,332 Ow! 131 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,624 It's hard work catching these damn Britons. 132 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:16,415 - All right. On your way. - All right. 133 00:09:16,541 --> 00:09:17,832 Don't give up hope, men. 134 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,790 Remember, Hengist is on his way to our army. 135 00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:33,832 Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd. 136 00:09:36,791 --> 00:09:38,165 Oh, no! 137 00:09:40,541 --> 00:09:43,165 Oh, gawd! Oh, gawd! 138 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,665 Come on! 139 00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:48,707 (Man) Come on! Come on! Pull him along there. 140 00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:51,832 Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa. 141 00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:55,207 Excuse me. Any chance of a lift? 142 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,790 - Yes, mate. Hop in. - Thank you. How far are you going? 143 00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,415 - Just to Rome. - Oh, I see. 144 00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:04,332 Would you mind dropping me at Carlisle? Our army's there and I've got to get help. 145 00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:08,082 You see... the Romans are attacking our settlement. 146 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,832 - You don't say? - Yeah. 147 00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:12,374 - ln that case, come on. - Oh! Thank you. 148 00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:19,665 Oh! Well... 149 00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:22,040 What are the chains for? 150 00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,457 Just to stop you falling out of the cart, mate. 151 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,124 Thank you ver much. That's ver thoughtful of you. 152 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,415 The pleasure is mine. (Laughs) 153 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:34,082 Oh! You seem to be rather full up. 154 00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:37,040 - I suppose I'd better wait for the next one. - Oh, no, you don't. 155 00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:39,332 Get in there! 156 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,749 Oh! Hello! 157 00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:45,207 Oh, you silly Pod! 158 00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,540 (Narrator) 'Enthroned in his lush headquarters, 159 00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:51,332 'mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet smell of success and eucalyptus.' 160 00:10:51,458 --> 00:10:52,957 Achoo! 161 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,290 Oh, I do feeI queer. 162 00:11:01,416 --> 00:11:05,207 'He was closely guarded as always by the champion gladiator of Rome 163 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:09,540 'and captain of the Praetorian guard, the noble Bilious.' 164 00:11:09,666 --> 00:11:11,582 (Belches) I beg your pardon, sir. 165 00:11:11,708 --> 00:11:15,165 Oh, it's not your fault, Bilious. It's this wretched countr. 166 00:11:15,291 --> 00:11:18,915 I haven't been right since we landed. It's the water, you know. 167 00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:21,415 It's making ver irregular soldiers of us all. 168 00:11:21,541 --> 00:11:25,624 Oh, I've never known such a cold, damp, depressing place. 169 00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,124 Achoo! 170 00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:30,707 Even my laurels have wilted. 171 00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,874 When I left Rome, they were positively rigid. 172 00:11:36,708 --> 00:11:39,332 Here, my lord. I've prepared this for your illness. 173 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:41,207 Oh, yes, dear? What is it? 174 00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,415 It's an old British medicant, my lord, 175 00:11:43,541 --> 00:11:46,499 made of mustard seed, brewed up with bats' ears, 176 00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:49,874 seaweed and the intestines of pregnant lizards. 177 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,582 Yes. Charming. 178 00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,624 To be taken externally, I trust? 179 00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:57,457 Yes, my lord. You just add a little to your foot bath. 180 00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,957 Like this. 181 00:12:02,958 --> 00:12:04,749 Oh! 182 00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:07,915 Oh, it's good. Yes. Ver good. 183 00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:09,249 Pretty little thing. 184 00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:12,415 - Where did we capture her? - At the settlement they call Bristol, sir. 185 00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:16,207 Oh, yes! I might've guessed. And what is your name, dear? 186 00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:18,374 They call me Gloria, my lord. 187 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,665 Remind me to take her back to Rome with me. 188 00:12:20,791 --> 00:12:23,374 I'd like to give my wife something useful for a change. 189 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,249 Useful, sir? To her? 190 00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:28,040 Fair's fair. The last thing she gave me was some perfume. 191 00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,790 lt sounds like one of our legions is returning, sir. 192 00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:34,415 Legion, dismiss! 193 00:12:34,541 --> 00:12:36,624 The army from the south with Mark Antony at their head. 194 00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:39,707 Oh, good! My friend. 195 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,915 (Thunder) 196 00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,790 - Hail, Mark Antony! - Hail. 197 00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:46,707 Snow. Sleet. Thunder. Lightning. The lot. Julius in? 198 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,290 Aargh! 199 00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,582 I see he is. 200 00:12:51,708 --> 00:12:52,874 It's all right for some people. 201 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,582 I'm busy waging a war, he's busy trying to make a piece! 202 00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:59,165 Mark Antony, sir. 203 00:13:00,125 --> 00:13:01,832 - Julie! - Tony! 204 00:13:01,958 --> 00:13:05,290 - I've caught you with your toga up! - I was just soaking my feet. 205 00:13:05,416 --> 00:13:07,874 I can't seem to get them warm. 206 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,040 You've been wearing open-toed sandals again. 207 00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:13,915 No, it's not that, it's this filthy disease I've caught. Some locaI thing. 208 00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:16,290 It's called "a stinking cold". 209 00:13:16,416 --> 00:13:19,082 Never mind. Carryy on. Don't mind me. Get them in again. 210 00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:20,707 - Thank you. - All right? 211 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:24,582 Much better. And how goes the conquest of Britain? 212 00:13:24,708 --> 00:13:26,790 I just don't get these Britons at all. 213 00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:28,790 Ever time we get a decent punch-up started, 214 00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:31,999 some geezer behind their line shouts, "Tea up!" and they all disappear. 215 00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:34,624 "Tea up"? How ver odd. 216 00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:37,290 lt must be one of these strange gods they worship. 217 00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,790 like this other one they're always talking about, "Crumpet". 218 00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:43,582 - What's that again? - Crump-et. I don't understand it at all. 219 00:13:43,708 --> 00:13:46,124 No. I don't think they want to be conquered. 220 00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:47,999 I know what you mean. Apathetic. 221 00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:49,207 That's the word. 222 00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:52,457 We didn't have any trouble in Spain and Gaul. We slayed 'em there. 223 00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:56,707 I don't know why we bother with this lot. Look at these lovely straight roads I built. 224 00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,915 They don't even bother to use them. 225 00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:01,540 Same with the baths. This countr is a dead loss. 226 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,957 It's always so cold and damp. 227 00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:08,457 You wouldn't think it, but this is supposed to be "the season of the golden breezes"! 228 00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,874 More like the season of the brazen monkeys. 229 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,415 Excuse me, sir, but a messenger is without. 230 00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:14,582 I'm not surprised. 231 00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:17,374 lf we stay here much longer, we'll all be without. Send him in. 232 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,082 Enter. 233 00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:21,040 Hail, Caesar, hail! 234 00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:24,249 Oh, hail! My corn! 235 00:14:24,375 --> 00:14:25,999 - Hail! - All right. We don't want all that. 236 00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:27,124 What is it? 237 00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:30,290 Mighty Caesar, I have come hotfoot from Rome. 238 00:14:30,416 --> 00:14:34,332 I bring an important message from your esteemed father-in-law Seneca. 239 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,457 Oh! I wish he'd use a lighter notepaper! 240 00:14:38,583 --> 00:14:40,749 I'm terribly sorryy, my lord. I didn't mean... 241 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:43,540 Get out, you great steaming nit. Go on, hop it. 242 00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:47,540 - Go on, Julie. Sit down. - Oh, thank you. 243 00:14:47,666 --> 00:14:49,082 Fool! 244 00:14:49,875 --> 00:14:52,707 - What does the old fooI say? - Hang on. 245 00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:55,374 It starts off, "Beware the ides of March." 246 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,499 What does that mean? 247 00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:59,707 Don't ask me. He's always making some silly prediction. 248 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,874 Last time it was, "Beware the nuts in May." 249 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,040 He's a nut if ever I saw one. 250 00:15:05,166 --> 00:15:06,915 Hello. This doesn't sound so good. 251 00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:10,832 "There is news from Egypt that Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra." 252 00:15:10,958 --> 00:15:13,082 - Trying to do what with her? - Usurp her. 253 00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:15,249 Sounds positively revolting. 254 00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:17,207 Who is this Cleopatra? 255 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,374 That bird that rules Egypt. She could cause us a lot of trouble. 256 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,540 - Don't they all? - Hey, listen. Listen to this. 257 00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:26,332 "The senate demands immediate action. 258 00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:29,707 "And there is a movement afoot to make Brutus emperor in your absence." 259 00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:34,707 That plotter Brutus! He's always had his eye on the emperor's throne! 260 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,165 You won't let them take it away from me, Tony. 261 00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:39,415 Julie, Julie, Julie. I'm your friend. 262 00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:41,957 You are my friend. 263 00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,665 I think we ought to get back to Rome right away. 264 00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:48,707 Good idea. And if anyone but me is going to be emperor, I'd like it to be you. 265 00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:50,957 I'll drink to that. 266 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,999 (Narrator) 'Two months later, after an absence of three years, 267 00:16:01,125 --> 00:16:03,207 'Caesar made a triumphant return to Rome. 268 00:16:03,333 --> 00:16:06,665 'Well, not completely triumphant, perhaps. 269 00:16:06,791 --> 00:16:09,457 'Let's just say he had a small majority.' 270 00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:11,707 (All) Hail, Caesar! Hail! 271 00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:21,290 Hail, Caesar, hail. 272 00:16:22,375 --> 00:16:25,082 (Crowd) Boo! Boo! 273 00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:31,832 I don't like the look of this mob. Give them a bit of the old flannel. 274 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,957 - Yes, I've got my flanneI ones on. - No, no. Make a speech. Win 'em over. 275 00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:38,665 - Well, if you think so. - Yes. Go on. 276 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,707 Friends, Romans... 277 00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:44,332 - Countrmen. - I know! 278 00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:45,582 Well, get on with it, then. 279 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:50,082 I have been away from you now for three years. 280 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:53,124 And it don't seem a day too long! 281 00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:59,832 During that time, friends, I have taken Spain, I have taken Gaul, 282 00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:01,874 I have taken Germanica. 283 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,707 What would you have me take next? 284 00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:06,540 A running jump! 285 00:17:08,291 --> 00:17:12,207 I want to thank you for this wonderfuI welcome. 286 00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:16,332 Ever time I return from an expedition, I am struck... 287 00:17:16,458 --> 00:17:18,249 (Crowd) Boo! 288 00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:20,540 ... again and again... 289 00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,749 Have you forgotten what I've done for you? 290 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,082 I've given you an empire, I've given you prosperity... 291 00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:29,457 What about all my reforms? I've cleaned up this city. 292 00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:35,165 Have you forgotten my slogan, "NihiI expectore in omnibus"? 293 00:17:35,291 --> 00:17:37,290 "No spitting on the public transport." 294 00:17:37,416 --> 00:17:38,832 (Jeering) 295 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,665 - That does it. Get inside. - It's a disgrace! 296 00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:46,207 I'll do him one of these days. 297 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:49,624 Charming. What a welcome for a great emperor. 298 00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:52,624 How sickening. 299 00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:55,207 On the steps of my own palace, too. 300 00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,457 Oh, Plato... 301 00:17:57,583 --> 00:17:59,165 great and learned scholar, 302 00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:03,124 that you should see me thus, covered in... stains. 303 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,415 Where is everbody? 304 00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:08,832 Where's Seneca? Where's Calpurnia? They are usually here to greet me. 305 00:18:08,958 --> 00:18:11,082 (Lewd laughter) 306 00:18:11,208 --> 00:18:13,790 (Man) Now, don't be silly, dear. 307 00:18:13,916 --> 00:18:16,165 Just take it in your hand. 308 00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:17,707 lt won't bite. 309 00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:19,832 (Laughs) That's it. 310 00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:22,332 Now dip it in the ink. 311 00:18:22,458 --> 00:18:26,124 - Seneca, what are you doing? - Eh? Oh, hello. 312 00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:28,082 I was just teaching her to write. Why? 313 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,249 You might have welcomed me home. 314 00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,499 Oh! Have you been out, then? 315 00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:34,790 Out? I've only been in Spain, Germany, Britain. 316 00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:38,374 Oh, yes, of course you have. I forgot. 317 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,749 - Where is Calpurnia? - At her toilet. 318 00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:42,665 Ah. Where? 319 00:18:42,791 --> 00:18:44,165 ln her bath. 320 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,957 That's all right, then. 321 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:49,707 Yoo-hoo, Calpurnia, sweetheart! It's me, dear. I'm back. 322 00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:52,082 And about time, too. 323 00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:55,707 And where, may I ask, have you been for the past three years? 324 00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:58,165 Oh, don't be like that, dear. 325 00:18:58,291 --> 00:19:00,124 You know perfectly well where I've been. 326 00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:02,290 - Where? - I've been conquering. 327 00:19:02,416 --> 00:19:04,749 Hah! Conquering, you call it? 328 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:07,749 Gallivanting around Europe enjoying yourself more like! 329 00:19:07,875 --> 00:19:10,249 No. lt was a purely business trip. 330 00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:13,832 HannibaI used to take his wife with him on his business trips. 331 00:19:13,958 --> 00:19:18,374 Well, it was different for him. He had all those elephants to help him. 332 00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:21,790 Anyway, it would have been no fun for you, all that eternaI fighting. 333 00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:24,415 Since when have you done any fighting? 334 00:19:24,541 --> 00:19:26,624 No, I meant if you'd come along too, dear. 335 00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,874 I know you, Julius Caesar. 336 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,415 You'd do anything rather than stay at home with me. 337 00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:34,582 Well, you won't be here much longer for me to worr about. 338 00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:36,040 What do you mean by that? 339 00:19:36,541 --> 00:19:38,874 Seneca says there's a bird of ill omen about. 340 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,415 I've just seen him with her in the librar. 341 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,374 Ah! 342 00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,040 Your days are numbered. 343 00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:49,457 Beware the ides of March! 344 00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,999 Oh, shut up, you silly old faggot. 345 00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,582 Don't you dare speak to my daddy like that. 346 00:19:54,708 --> 00:19:56,374 Well, he gets on your nerves. 347 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,540 I'm sorry, dear, but I'm fed up with listening 348 00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:01,124 to all his visions and omens and stuff. 349 00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:05,082 Seneca is well known throughout Rome as a truly great sage. 350 00:20:05,208 --> 00:20:07,207 Yes. And I know my onions. 351 00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:08,874 I wish you'd been in Britain, 352 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,207 they know what to do with sage and onions! 353 00:20:16,166 --> 00:20:19,874 Oh, my dear, you've no idea how much I've missed you. 354 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,040 Three years is a long time to go without. 355 00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:27,499 - Without what? - Without the company of a beautifuI wife. 356 00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,749 What about all those women abroad? 357 00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:32,874 There weren't any. They don't have them abroad, you know. 358 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,290 They're a ver bashfuI people there. 359 00:20:35,416 --> 00:20:37,040 Really, Julius? 360 00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:38,874 Really, darling. 361 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,790 (Door opens) 362 00:20:40,916 --> 00:20:43,415 Sir, what do you want done with your woman here? 363 00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:45,332 What is that? 364 00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:48,249 It's just a little thing I picked up in Britain. 365 00:20:48,375 --> 00:20:51,540 - It's for you. - I don't want any of your pick-ups. 366 00:20:53,375 --> 00:20:54,374 I'll have her. 367 00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:56,790 No, you won't, you dirty old sage. 368 00:20:56,916 --> 00:21:00,165 Daddy, take me away from this... this monster! 369 00:21:00,291 --> 00:21:01,374 Monster? 370 00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,749 How dare he insult me by offering me this... this... 371 00:21:04,875 --> 00:21:07,165 I quite agree, daughter! 372 00:21:07,291 --> 00:21:08,874 She's no use to you. 373 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,957 But don't you worr. I'll think of something to do with her. 374 00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:16,790 But I've other gifts for you, dear. I've onions from Spain. 375 00:21:16,916 --> 00:21:18,540 I've got some Spanish onions. 376 00:21:18,666 --> 00:21:20,374 Cheeses from Holland. 377 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,207 I've got some Dutch cheeses. 378 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:25,165 And stones from far-off Gaul. 379 00:21:25,291 --> 00:21:27,624 She's got gallstones an' all! 380 00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:29,374 I had no idea. 381 00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:35,082 This is a fine homecoming, I must say. 382 00:21:38,458 --> 00:21:42,040 Oh! They haven't even warmed the seat. 383 00:21:44,583 --> 00:21:48,499 (Narrator) 'By now, the captives from Britain had arrived in Rome. 384 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:52,499 'Herded together in their little room, they were learning to their dismay, 385 00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:53,957 'that this was one emergency 386 00:21:54,083 --> 00:21:56,790 'in which nothing happened if you pulled your chain.' 387 00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,915 All right. lf you don't want the goods, stop messing them about. 388 00:22:00,041 --> 00:22:04,165 I'll tell you the truth. There's little demand for this British stuff nowadays. 389 00:22:04,291 --> 00:22:07,082 - They don't make them like they used to. - Look here, Marcus. 390 00:22:07,208 --> 00:22:10,915 No, I'm Spencius. It's my brother what's Marcus. 391 00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:13,124 We're in partnership now, you know. 392 00:22:13,250 --> 00:22:15,040 Marcus and Spencius. 393 00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:18,165 - Here's my card. - All right. Now, you know me. 394 00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:19,915 Did I ever bring you any rubbish? 395 00:22:20,041 --> 00:22:21,582 I only bring you the best, you know that. 396 00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:25,290 - Look at them, all solid bone and muscle. - Bone and muscle I've got plenty of. 397 00:22:25,416 --> 00:22:27,290 It's brains what people want. 398 00:22:27,416 --> 00:22:29,915 They've got brains. Artisans, ever one of them. 399 00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:32,707 - What did you do in Britain? - I was a wheeI maker. 400 00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:35,124 See that, he makes wheels. 401 00:22:35,250 --> 00:22:37,332 - Square ones. - Squ...? 402 00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:41,457 Never mind him. Here, you. What did you do? 403 00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:43,665 - I was a hunter. - Hunter? 404 00:22:43,791 --> 00:22:46,749 Hunter. Now, what about that, then? A hunter. 405 00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,665 What did you hunt? 406 00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:50,124 Romans. 407 00:22:52,666 --> 00:22:54,624 A fat lot of help you are. 408 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:56,499 Look, General. I'll tell you what I'll do with you. 409 00:22:56,625 --> 00:23:00,582 I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you 1 50 sesterces for the lot. 410 00:23:00,708 --> 00:23:03,624 1 50 sesterces? Do me a favour. 411 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,040 Do us a favour. 412 00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,165 You keep out of this. 413 00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:10,790 All right, 200 and they're yours. 414 00:23:10,916 --> 00:23:12,790 160. Not a sesterce more. 415 00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:15,207 160! What a liberty. 416 00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:18,707 That's daylight robber. How can you stand there and... 417 00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:22,832 All right. 160. 418 00:23:22,958 --> 00:23:24,707 Providing you throw her in. 419 00:23:24,833 --> 00:23:28,582 Her? You don't want no more slaves, General. You've got plenty. 420 00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:29,749 For working, yes. 421 00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:34,499 Yeah, but I mean, she's worth 40 sesterces to me, you know. 422 00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:36,665 She's a ver good worker. 423 00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:39,332 She can cook... make clothes... 424 00:23:39,458 --> 00:23:41,040 wash... scrub... 425 00:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,374 That's fine. I could use a good scrubber. 426 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:44,749 All right. It's a deal. 427 00:23:44,875 --> 00:23:48,415 You're a good lad. Put my mark on her. Send her round to my villa. 428 00:23:51,458 --> 00:23:53,082 Free deliver he wants. 429 00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:55,415 (Narrator) 'While all this was going on, 430 00:23:55,541 --> 00:24:00,457 'Brutus was in the Senate indulging in the grand old Roman game of mixing it.' 431 00:24:00,583 --> 00:24:03,582 And I warn you, members of the Senate, 432 00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:08,415 if we allow Caesar to go on like this, the Roman Empire's finished. 433 00:24:08,541 --> 00:24:09,582 (All) Hear hear! 434 00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:12,832 Already, gentlemen, we are in a decline. 435 00:24:12,958 --> 00:24:16,415 And I don't have to remind you what that leads to. 436 00:24:16,541 --> 00:24:18,707 A fall. 437 00:24:18,833 --> 00:24:21,374 I'm so sorry. Did I interrupt something? 438 00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:22,540 Hail, Caesar. 439 00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:24,582 Oh, likewise, I'm sure. 440 00:24:24,708 --> 00:24:28,040 I must warn you, Julius, there is unrest in the Senate. 441 00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:29,790 There have been rumblings. 442 00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:33,415 - It's all that spaghetti they eat. - Rumblings against you. 443 00:24:33,541 --> 00:24:37,082 They're concerned about affairs in the east, Ptolemy and Cleopatra. 444 00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,415 Are they having an affair? Do tell. 445 00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:41,207 They're fighting for the throne of Egypt. 446 00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,374 lf one of them can muster an army, it'll be hard for Rome. 447 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,915 They don't want to worr about that! 448 00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:50,249 Exactly. I've done my best to reassure them. 449 00:24:50,375 --> 00:24:52,207 But perhaps a word from you? 450 00:24:52,333 --> 00:24:54,415 Of course. I'll give them a speech. 451 00:24:57,416 --> 00:24:59,374 Friends... 452 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:00,999 Romans... 453 00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,082 - Countrmen. - I know. 454 00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:08,999 I have been away from you now for three years! 455 00:25:09,125 --> 00:25:10,874 (All) Hooray! 456 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:13,999 But now I am back! 457 00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:15,749 (All) Boo! 458 00:25:16,166 --> 00:25:18,249 - How am I doing? - They're right behind you. 459 00:25:18,375 --> 00:25:19,624 I thought so. 460 00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:24,457 With regard to the situation in Egypt, I will tell you this, 461 00:25:24,583 --> 00:25:28,124 if Cleopatra and this other upstart... 462 00:25:28,250 --> 00:25:30,040 - Ptolemy. - I am telling you! 463 00:25:30,166 --> 00:25:34,165 lf these upstarts should prove a threat to the Roman Empire 464 00:25:34,291 --> 00:25:37,040 I will not hesitate... 465 00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,540 nor notwithstanding... anything to the contrar. 466 00:25:40,666 --> 00:25:45,582 I shall take steps... now to give serious consideration... 467 00:25:45,708 --> 00:25:50,540 to the action, to be taken in the event of events happening, notwithstanding... 468 00:25:50,666 --> 00:25:54,374 anything to the contrar. 469 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:57,624 Please, show your approval in the usuaI manner. 470 00:25:57,750 --> 00:25:59,082 (Blows raspberry) 471 00:25:59,208 --> 00:26:00,582 You've never had it so good! 472 00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:05,582 Stay there! 473 00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:12,290 Supermarket, innit? 474 00:26:15,291 --> 00:26:17,207 Look at that! 475 00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:19,124 "MA." What does that mean? 476 00:26:20,125 --> 00:26:22,249 Mark Antony. She's his. 477 00:26:25,708 --> 00:26:27,040 lt could've been worse. 478 00:26:27,166 --> 00:26:28,207 How? 479 00:26:28,333 --> 00:26:30,082 Might've been Frank Antony. 480 00:26:31,291 --> 00:26:32,999 (Jeering) 481 00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:35,374 Thank you. Thank you, sir. 482 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,457 Citizens, today is your lucky day. 483 00:26:38,583 --> 00:26:43,749 lt just so happens that I have been able to procure at enormous expense 484 00:26:43,875 --> 00:26:48,874 a limited number of ver top quality Britons, all fresh in today! No rubbish. 485 00:26:49,083 --> 00:26:50,707 All right, you. Come on. 486 00:26:50,833 --> 00:26:52,540 - Where to? - You're going for auction. 487 00:26:52,666 --> 00:26:54,832 Think of that. Me being knocked down. 488 00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:57,665 It's better than being knocked up! 489 00:26:57,791 --> 00:27:00,165 - Come on. - Bring him in, Marcus. 490 00:27:00,291 --> 00:27:02,332 Coming, Spencius. Go on. 491 00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:05,957 How about that then, ladies? 492 00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:08,249 lsn't that a magnificent specimen? 493 00:27:08,375 --> 00:27:12,749 Phwoar! lf that is not a ver handy little thing to have about the house, 494 00:27:12,875 --> 00:27:14,874 my name's not Spencius. 495 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,582 Right, now. What am I bid? 496 00:27:16,708 --> 00:27:18,540 Ten. 497 00:27:18,666 --> 00:27:19,832 1 5. 498 00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:22,582 20. 499 00:27:22,708 --> 00:27:23,749 25. 500 00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:25,124 30. 501 00:27:26,458 --> 00:27:27,874 40. 502 00:27:28,750 --> 00:27:30,290 41 ? Yes? 503 00:27:30,416 --> 00:27:32,082 I'll pay you back. 504 00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:35,374 - All done at 40? - No... 505 00:27:35,500 --> 00:27:37,999 Right. Sold to the lady in the green schmutter. 506 00:27:38,125 --> 00:27:39,540 What's your name, darling? 507 00:27:39,666 --> 00:27:41,749 Willa Claudia. 508 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,999 Willa Claudia. Mark him up, will you? 509 00:27:45,125 --> 00:27:46,457 Willa Clau...? 510 00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:48,540 WC? Oh, no! 511 00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:50,915 Please! WC! 512 00:27:54,166 --> 00:27:55,832 What happened? 513 00:28:00,208 --> 00:28:01,957 Ver funny. Ver funny. 514 00:28:02,541 --> 00:28:05,707 Do you know what? I think they're making a convenience of you. 515 00:28:09,833 --> 00:28:12,540 Shouldn't worr about him. He's doing all right. 516 00:28:12,666 --> 00:28:15,165 He's been bought by a woman. 517 00:28:15,291 --> 00:28:16,749 What's the benefit in being bought by a woman? 518 00:28:16,875 --> 00:28:18,624 What do you think? 519 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,749 Oh! Yeah, right. 520 00:28:20,875 --> 00:28:22,957 Lead me to 'em! 521 00:28:27,625 --> 00:28:31,707 All right there, citizens, here is another of our speciaI offers. 522 00:28:31,833 --> 00:28:33,707 Now then. What am I bid for this... 523 00:28:35,041 --> 00:28:36,665 for this er... 524 00:28:37,166 --> 00:28:38,290 For this? 525 00:28:38,416 --> 00:28:40,415 One at a time, please, ladies. 526 00:28:41,333 --> 00:28:43,624 Right. Now, come on. 527 00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:45,915 Who's going to start the ball rolling, then? 528 00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:49,415 Did I hear five sesterces? 529 00:28:50,750 --> 00:28:52,082 No, I didn't. 530 00:28:52,208 --> 00:28:54,790 Don't worr. They're just overawed at the moment. 531 00:28:54,916 --> 00:28:56,582 Get out of it. 532 00:28:56,708 --> 00:28:58,415 Who'll say three sesterces? 533 00:28:59,375 --> 00:29:01,499 - Two? - One? 534 00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:04,540 Now, look here, citizens. 535 00:29:04,666 --> 00:29:06,290 I'll tell you what I'll do. 536 00:29:06,416 --> 00:29:09,290 With this speciaI offer here, I will throw in 537 00:29:09,416 --> 00:29:12,874 this beautifuI plaster cast of the goddess Aphrodite, 538 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:15,332 absolutely free, gratis and for nothing. 539 00:29:15,458 --> 00:29:17,457 (Tittering) 540 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,832 Right. No sale. Mark him up for the usual. 541 00:29:27,125 --> 00:29:28,374 How did you get on? 542 00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:32,415 I don't know. They just stamped me with a little lion. Look. 543 00:29:32,541 --> 00:29:34,832 That means you'll be going to the lions, mate. 544 00:29:34,958 --> 00:29:37,207 - I hope they're a nice family? - You'll find out. 545 00:29:37,333 --> 00:29:39,332 Er, Hengist. 546 00:29:39,458 --> 00:29:42,624 What he means is, you're to be thrown to the lions in the arena. 547 00:29:42,750 --> 00:29:45,207 - Those lions! No! - Hengist! 548 00:29:45,333 --> 00:29:46,915 Well, it's quick, anyway. 549 00:29:47,916 --> 00:29:49,040 The old head in the mouth, 550 00:29:49,166 --> 00:29:51,374 quick snap of the old jaws and it's all over. 551 00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:55,124 That's all ver well, but how am I gonna get his head in my mouth? 552 00:29:55,583 --> 00:29:58,957 What about me? Do you fancy being lumbered for the rest of your life 553 00:29:59,083 --> 00:30:01,457 as the pampered pet of an old Roman bag? 554 00:30:01,583 --> 00:30:03,332 Quite frankly, yes. 555 00:30:03,458 --> 00:30:06,082 Well, I can't face it. Let's make a break for it. 556 00:30:06,208 --> 00:30:09,082 - What, escape? - Anything's better than this. 557 00:30:09,208 --> 00:30:12,707 Get behind the doorway and when the guard comes in, trip him up. 558 00:30:14,166 --> 00:30:16,915 All Romans are idiots! They know absolutely... 559 00:30:18,125 --> 00:30:20,124 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 560 00:30:20,250 --> 00:30:22,290 - Thank you ver much. - Not at all. 561 00:30:23,416 --> 00:30:24,915 Come on! 562 00:30:25,041 --> 00:30:27,957 (Spencius) Now, I'm not here today and gone tomorrow. 563 00:30:28,083 --> 00:30:29,624 I won't be here this afternoon. 564 00:30:30,458 --> 00:30:31,624 What a day! 565 00:30:31,750 --> 00:30:36,749 Pelted by the populace, sat on by the Senate, spat at by my spouse. 566 00:30:36,875 --> 00:30:39,665 Honestly, I don't know why I bother being emperor. 567 00:30:39,791 --> 00:30:42,624 - Why do you? - Don't be silly. What else could I do? 568 00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:45,374 At school, I didn't even get my X-oneplus. 569 00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:47,332 You could be a public orator. 570 00:30:47,458 --> 00:30:51,457 Public oratory? Oh, no, it's an unspeakable business. 571 00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:54,582 I hear some slaves escaped from the market today. 572 00:30:54,708 --> 00:30:57,707 That's all I needed. What have I done to deserve all this? 573 00:30:57,833 --> 00:31:00,040 Have I displeased the gods in some manner? 574 00:31:00,166 --> 00:31:04,040 O, dark, invidious muse that blights my life! 575 00:31:04,166 --> 00:31:07,207 Come, show your fearful, haggish face! 576 00:31:07,333 --> 00:31:09,790 - Yes? - Not you. What do you want? 577 00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:13,040 Well, I thought you'd like to know. There's another strike on. 578 00:31:13,166 --> 00:31:15,624 Not another one? Who is it this time? 579 00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:17,999 - The eunuchs. - The eunuchs? 580 00:31:18,125 --> 00:31:19,999 For heaven's sake, what are they striking for? 581 00:31:20,125 --> 00:31:22,499 They're complaining about loss of assets. 582 00:31:25,666 --> 00:31:26,957 - Hail, Bilious. - Hail, Antony. 583 00:31:27,083 --> 00:31:29,249 I want to see the boss. 584 00:31:30,291 --> 00:31:31,832 Mark Antony, sir. 585 00:31:31,958 --> 00:31:34,457 At last we'll hear something cheerful for a change. 586 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:36,707 My friend! 587 00:31:36,833 --> 00:31:39,915 - You're right in it this time. - Oh, no. What's happened now? 588 00:31:40,041 --> 00:31:44,124 News from Egypt. Ptolemy has mustered an army and is marching on Alexandria. 589 00:31:44,250 --> 00:31:46,249 What about Cleopatra? ls she mustered? 590 00:31:46,958 --> 00:31:48,540 Well, I have heard a couple of stories. 591 00:31:48,666 --> 00:31:51,332 No, I mean, has she mustered an army? 592 00:31:51,458 --> 00:31:53,457 Oh. Yes, I believe she has. 593 00:31:53,583 --> 00:31:55,415 We've got to do something about that lot. 594 00:31:55,541 --> 00:31:56,874 But what do we do? 595 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,707 Do we support Ptolemy and defeat Cleopatra 596 00:31:59,833 --> 00:32:01,040 or vice versa? 597 00:32:01,166 --> 00:32:03,707 Well, if you're bringing vice into it, I prefer Cleopatra. 598 00:32:03,833 --> 00:32:06,790 lf only we knew what was happening out there. 599 00:32:06,916 --> 00:32:08,082 (Speaks gibberish) 600 00:32:09,125 --> 00:32:10,207 What on earth is going on? 601 00:32:10,333 --> 00:32:13,249 It's Daddy. He's having one of his visions. 602 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,082 Good. Now perhaps he'll be able to tell us something. 603 00:32:26,625 --> 00:32:28,915 (Continues speaking gibberish) 604 00:32:31,708 --> 00:32:32,999 Oh! Hello! 605 00:32:33,125 --> 00:32:37,165 - Well? Did you see anything? - Oh, yes. And it was lovely. 606 00:32:37,291 --> 00:32:38,790 There was this room, you see, 607 00:32:38,916 --> 00:32:41,124 and it was full with lovely girls all lying about 608 00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:42,790 in things you could see right through. 609 00:32:42,916 --> 00:32:45,415 Daddy, dear. You've been eating cheese again. 610 00:32:45,541 --> 00:32:46,790 Daughter dear, no, I haven't. 611 00:32:46,916 --> 00:32:49,832 And then Caesar came in, and there was a lot of soldiers. 612 00:32:49,958 --> 00:32:51,749 What happened to me? 613 00:32:51,875 --> 00:32:54,124 I don't remember. I was busy looking at the girls. 614 00:32:54,875 --> 00:32:57,249 Blimey, this is a waste of time. 615 00:32:57,375 --> 00:32:58,582 lf you want to find out what is going to happen, 616 00:32:58,708 --> 00:33:00,165 you have to consult the vestaI virgins. 617 00:33:00,291 --> 00:33:03,999 - Of course! The temple of Vesta! - I say! Can I come too? 618 00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:08,165 - Certainly not! - I thought it would make a nice change. 619 00:33:08,291 --> 00:33:11,332 That's one place we don't want any changes, thank you. 620 00:33:11,458 --> 00:33:14,332 You might have already got some, with the eunuchs on strike. 621 00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:18,582 Oh, don't say that. I want them to augur something really nice for me. 622 00:33:18,708 --> 00:33:22,499 You'd better hurr up. They'll soon be shouting "Last augurs, please!" 623 00:33:24,833 --> 00:33:26,499 Uh-oh! Dead end! 624 00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,374 I can hear them coming. We're done for. 625 00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:30,415 No, we're not. Come on. ln here. 626 00:33:37,375 --> 00:33:38,957 - Cor! - Shh! 627 00:33:39,083 --> 00:33:40,582 Look at that! 628 00:33:40,708 --> 00:33:42,707 Look! Look! 629 00:33:43,583 --> 00:33:44,915 Hey, there's a door. 630 00:33:46,875 --> 00:33:51,540 "Strictly no admittance. VestaI virgins and eunuchs only." 631 00:33:51,666 --> 00:33:53,915 - What are we? - Well, you should know. 632 00:33:58,500 --> 00:34:00,707 They must be somewhere around. 633 00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:04,582 We'll have to chance it. lf anyone asks who we are, say we're eunuchs. 634 00:34:05,083 --> 00:34:07,707 Eh? Oh, yeah. What have we got to lose? 635 00:34:22,291 --> 00:34:23,957 Cor! 636 00:34:26,750 --> 00:34:29,082 Hey! We're in the ladies'! 637 00:34:30,875 --> 00:34:32,957 (Squealing) 638 00:34:43,541 --> 00:34:44,707 No, you fool! 639 00:34:44,833 --> 00:34:48,332 Don't you know it's immediate death for anyone who goes in there? 640 00:34:51,583 --> 00:34:53,332 Ho within! It's the city guard. 641 00:34:53,458 --> 00:34:55,540 Open up, please. 642 00:34:57,458 --> 00:35:00,124 Oh. That's all right. I'm sorry to have bothered you. 643 00:35:02,708 --> 00:35:03,957 It's all right. They've gone. 644 00:35:04,333 --> 00:35:05,332 Thanks. 645 00:35:05,458 --> 00:35:08,290 Yes. I don't know what we'd have done without you. 646 00:35:08,416 --> 00:35:11,249 I don't know what we could have done without you. 647 00:35:13,333 --> 00:35:17,832 ? Wherever I wander 648 00:35:17,958 --> 00:35:22,915 ? There's no place like Rome 649 00:35:25,375 --> 00:35:26,499 More wine! 650 00:35:26,625 --> 00:35:28,665 More vino. Come along, girl. 651 00:35:30,500 --> 00:35:32,540 Ah, there she is. 652 00:35:32,666 --> 00:35:34,832 Why don't you come on in? The water's lovely. 653 00:35:34,958 --> 00:35:36,665 No, thank you, my lord. 654 00:35:36,791 --> 00:35:39,124 Go on, girl. I'll let you play with my duck. 655 00:35:39,250 --> 00:35:40,499 Oh! 656 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,790 Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar? 657 00:35:45,916 --> 00:35:49,832 Oh, he's gone to convulse the VestaI Virgins. 658 00:35:49,958 --> 00:35:52,457 - Consult. - You're quite right. 659 00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:54,499 Never mind. I'll find him later. 660 00:35:54,625 --> 00:35:56,165 Oh, no, you won't. 661 00:35:57,125 --> 00:35:57,832 What does that mean? 662 00:35:57,958 --> 00:36:01,207 That vision, and those girls. 663 00:36:01,333 --> 00:36:03,124 That was the Vestals. 664 00:36:03,250 --> 00:36:06,499 And what's more, I can remember what happened. 665 00:36:06,625 --> 00:36:08,082 - What happened? - He was done. 666 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:11,290 What? He had Bilious and the guards with him. 667 00:36:11,416 --> 00:36:12,624 Nobody could have got near him. 668 00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:15,165 Aha! That's just it. 669 00:36:15,291 --> 00:36:17,040 lt was them who did it. 670 00:36:17,166 --> 00:36:18,249 Blimus! 671 00:36:39,583 --> 00:36:40,749 Horsa... 672 00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:42,999 Mm-hm? 673 00:36:43,125 --> 00:36:46,415 Don't you think it's about time we should be getting along? 674 00:36:46,541 --> 00:36:48,749 Oh, yes. Yes. 675 00:36:48,875 --> 00:36:51,665 Well, there's no point in taking unnecessar risks. 676 00:36:52,666 --> 00:36:54,707 No. No, of course not. 677 00:36:56,833 --> 00:37:00,124 Perhaps we'd better just stay here a little while longer. 678 00:37:00,250 --> 00:37:02,249 Yeah... 679 00:37:02,375 --> 00:37:04,374 Just a couple of months or so. 680 00:37:04,500 --> 00:37:06,457 ? Fanfare 681 00:37:09,875 --> 00:37:11,790 Aarrgh! 682 00:37:11,916 --> 00:37:13,249 (Caesar) What's happening? 683 00:37:13,375 --> 00:37:15,374 - Sir! - Get me out of here. 684 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:19,124 It's a disgrace! There must be a more comfortable way to travel. 685 00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:21,624 I'm sorry, sir, it was a low arch. There wasn't a warning sign. 686 00:37:21,750 --> 00:37:23,582 Who holds the office of traffic commissioner? 687 00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:24,665 You do, sir. 688 00:37:24,791 --> 00:37:27,874 Well, in future watch where you're going. Are we there? 689 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,457 - Yes, sir. - Good. Come in with me and stay close. 690 00:37:30,583 --> 00:37:34,082 - I don't feeI safe tonight. - You're not. 691 00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:40,415 Guard the door. Let no-one enter. 692 00:37:41,833 --> 00:37:45,915 Wise daughters of the goddess Vesta, grant me an augur! 693 00:37:46,041 --> 00:37:48,832 Who is it that craves our advice at this hour? 694 00:37:48,958 --> 00:37:53,707 lt is l, Caesar, grandson of Venus and Anchises, your divine emperor. 695 00:37:53,833 --> 00:37:55,665 Caesar! We shall all die for this. 696 00:37:57,291 --> 00:37:59,624 Open up, I say! Or must I enter? 697 00:37:59,750 --> 00:38:03,457 - Yes? - Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask... 698 00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:05,665 Are you really a VestaI Virgin? 699 00:38:05,791 --> 00:38:08,374 (High-pitched) Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch. 700 00:38:09,208 --> 00:38:10,790 Oh, I see. 701 00:38:10,916 --> 00:38:11,915 You're a what? 702 00:38:12,041 --> 00:38:16,790 I'm sorry. VestaI Virgins are off tonight. 703 00:38:16,916 --> 00:38:20,082 Are my senses deserting me? There's something funny going on here. 704 00:38:20,208 --> 00:38:22,832 Bilious, l... What are you doing with your thing? 705 00:38:22,958 --> 00:38:25,207 I'm sorry, sir. But for the good of Rome, you must die. 706 00:38:25,333 --> 00:38:28,749 But you're my personaI bodyguard! I don't want to die. 707 00:38:28,875 --> 00:38:31,499 I may not be a ver good live emperor, but I'd be a worse one dead! 708 00:38:31,625 --> 00:38:35,082 Treacher! lnfamy! lnfamy! 709 00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:36,915 They've all got it in-for-me! 710 00:38:40,500 --> 00:38:42,332 Aargh! 711 00:38:48,541 --> 00:38:50,499 Take this. Catch! 712 00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:39,540 (Whimpers) 713 00:39:50,541 --> 00:39:52,374 ln here. Quick! 714 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:03,332 Ah! More of you, eh? 715 00:40:04,083 --> 00:40:05,540 Right. Come on. 716 00:40:10,791 --> 00:40:12,874 What a carveup! 717 00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:26,832 Well, he can't say I didn't warn him. 718 00:40:26,958 --> 00:40:29,332 lf I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. 719 00:40:29,458 --> 00:40:31,749 "Beware the ides of March," I said. 720 00:40:31,875 --> 00:40:34,082 But it's not March. It's Januar. 721 00:40:34,208 --> 00:40:37,124 Yes, but an idiot like him wouldn't know that. 722 00:40:37,250 --> 00:40:39,624 My poor dear husband! ls he dead? 723 00:40:39,750 --> 00:40:42,290 It's difficult to tell. He always looks the same to me. 724 00:40:42,416 --> 00:40:45,665 - He looks a little wan. - He looks a big one if you ask me! 725 00:40:45,791 --> 00:40:47,790 Speak to me, Julius! 726 00:40:47,916 --> 00:40:49,540 Speak to me! 727 00:40:49,666 --> 00:40:52,624 I hear a night owI screeching. 728 00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:54,457 lt is l, Julius. 729 00:40:54,583 --> 00:40:56,290 Your wife Calpurnia. 730 00:40:56,416 --> 00:40:59,749 Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear. 731 00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,582 Draw near and lend me your ear. 732 00:41:02,708 --> 00:41:04,499 Don't. You'll never get it back. 733 00:41:05,041 --> 00:41:07,832 Yes, Julius, dear. Did you wish to say something? 734 00:41:07,958 --> 00:41:12,957 I cannot go without saying something for posterity. 735 00:41:13,083 --> 00:41:14,832 No, dear. Of course you cannot. 736 00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:18,582 Then let our posteriors know this. 737 00:41:18,708 --> 00:41:21,499 - Yes, Julius? - My farewell speech. 738 00:41:21,625 --> 00:41:24,124 Friends, Romans... 739 00:41:24,250 --> 00:41:26,415 - (Whispers) Countrmen. - I know! 740 00:41:26,541 --> 00:41:29,415 My last immortaI words are... 741 00:41:29,541 --> 00:41:32,832 Veni, vidi, vici. 742 00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:36,457 I came, I saw, l... 743 00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:39,457 I conked out. 744 00:41:39,583 --> 00:41:41,874 Oh! He's gone. 745 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,249 Oh, woe is me! 746 00:41:44,375 --> 00:41:47,999 Could I but tell him how sorry I am for the way I've treated him, 747 00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:50,665 how much I loved him! 748 00:41:50,791 --> 00:41:52,582 (Wails) 749 00:41:52,708 --> 00:41:54,249 Hello. What's going on? 750 00:41:54,375 --> 00:41:56,915 The mighty and noble Caesar is no more. 751 00:41:57,041 --> 00:42:00,124 Shut up. They haven't even touched him. He's fainted, that's all. 752 00:42:00,250 --> 00:42:01,915 You little squirt! 753 00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:04,874 They wanted to kill me. And it's the thought that counts. 754 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,832 - Come, Daddy. - Gladly. 755 00:42:06,958 --> 00:42:08,790 Oh, but, Calpurnia... 756 00:42:08,916 --> 00:42:10,540 They'd have got you all right, 757 00:42:10,666 --> 00:42:12,624 if that slave hadn't been there to slay 'em all. 758 00:42:12,750 --> 00:42:14,999 What slay you... what say you? 759 00:42:15,125 --> 00:42:17,082 It's incredible. But do you know that he beat 760 00:42:17,208 --> 00:42:19,915 the five top gladiators of Rome singlehanded? 761 00:42:20,041 --> 00:42:22,832 Where is he? I must meet this superman. 762 00:42:22,958 --> 00:42:25,540 Guards! Bring in the prisoner! 763 00:42:25,666 --> 00:42:27,165 - ls that him? - That's him. 764 00:42:27,291 --> 00:42:29,290 (Caesar) Are they holding him the right way up? 765 00:42:29,416 --> 00:42:31,665 Bilious and the others were all slain 766 00:42:31,791 --> 00:42:33,915 and that little runt was there with a sword in his hand! 767 00:42:34,041 --> 00:42:37,582 - He alone? - No. Please, there's been a mistake, sir. 768 00:42:37,708 --> 00:42:40,332 You're dead right, mate, and you made it. 769 00:42:40,458 --> 00:42:42,582 Let's see how you go against the lions in the arena! 770 00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:46,082 Oh, no! Please, sir! I plead for mercy! I plead for my life! 771 00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:48,665 I plead for forgiveness. 772 00:42:48,791 --> 00:42:52,207 You miserable little pleader! Take him away! 773 00:42:52,333 --> 00:42:54,707 No, no, wait. What is your name, slave? 774 00:42:54,833 --> 00:42:57,915 Pod, sir. Hengist Pod. 775 00:42:58,041 --> 00:43:00,957 Arise, Centurion Pod. 776 00:43:01,083 --> 00:43:02,249 Eh? 777 00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:04,499 Are you kidding? That man's a menace! 778 00:43:04,625 --> 00:43:06,374 Exactly. And with him beside me, 779 00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,832 no-one will dare make an attempt on my life again. 780 00:43:09,958 --> 00:43:11,582 You are impregnable, aren't you? 781 00:43:11,708 --> 00:43:14,415 No, sir. It's just that Senna didn't want any kids. 782 00:43:14,541 --> 00:43:16,082 Listen to me, Hengist Pod, 783 00:43:16,208 --> 00:43:20,165 I hereby appoint you commander of the Praetorian Guard, 784 00:43:20,291 --> 00:43:24,582 protector imperatori, champion gladiator of Rome, 785 00:43:24,708 --> 00:43:29,665 honorar member of the Senate and custodian of the imperiaI chambers. 786 00:43:29,791 --> 00:43:32,165 What did all that mean? 787 00:43:32,291 --> 00:43:35,207 That means that he has gone potty! 788 00:43:35,333 --> 00:43:37,415 (Narrator) 'And that is how a simple Briton 789 00:43:37,541 --> 00:43:40,249 'who had never so much as hurt a prehistoric fly, 790 00:43:40,375 --> 00:43:44,665 'became overnight the most feared and admired man in Rome. 791 00:43:44,791 --> 00:43:46,582 'Ever time he appeared in public 792 00:43:46,708 --> 00:43:49,124 'the crowds clamoured for his autograph and souvenirs.' 793 00:43:52,750 --> 00:43:54,832 (Cheering) 794 00:44:09,083 --> 00:44:12,165 'ln his task of protecting the imperiaI body of Caesar, 795 00:44:12,291 --> 00:44:14,249 'Hengist proved an effective deterrent.' 796 00:44:14,375 --> 00:44:16,374 All those in favour... 797 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:18,582 (All) No! 798 00:44:20,250 --> 00:44:22,665 I'm sorry, gentleman, what was that vote again? 799 00:44:22,791 --> 00:44:24,790 (All) Yes! 800 00:44:24,916 --> 00:44:28,124 Thank you, gentlemen, I thought that was what you said. 801 00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:32,165 (Narrator) 'Yes, being Caesar's bodyguard was a full-time job. 802 00:44:32,291 --> 00:44:35,915 'Only when night came could Hengist really relax.' 803 00:44:40,708 --> 00:44:42,790 Good night! Good luck! 804 00:44:42,916 --> 00:44:44,999 - What did you say, Julius? - Good night. 805 00:44:46,541 --> 00:44:48,165 Good night. 806 00:44:48,291 --> 00:44:50,374 (Mouths) 807 00:44:51,833 --> 00:44:54,290 (Narrator) 'At this time, Mark Antony was arriving at Alexandria 808 00:44:54,416 --> 00:44:57,082 'at the head of another Roman legion. 809 00:44:57,208 --> 00:45:00,124 'He carried with him express orders from Caesar 810 00:45:00,250 --> 00:45:04,499 'to remove Cleopatra from the throne of Egypt and give it to Ptolemy. 811 00:45:05,041 --> 00:45:08,457 'Some hope. lt was like asking your wife to give up her mink coat, 812 00:45:08,583 --> 00:45:10,832 'because your girlfriend is sitting in a draught.' 813 00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:12,332 Can I help you, gentlemen? 814 00:45:12,458 --> 00:45:14,457 Yeah. We want to see Cleopatra. Who are you? 815 00:45:14,583 --> 00:45:16,707 I am her chief councillor Archimedes. 816 00:45:16,833 --> 00:45:20,207 - Get away. All right, take us to her. - The Queen is at her toilet. 817 00:45:20,333 --> 00:45:22,457 Oh. Well, we'll wait, then. 818 00:45:22,583 --> 00:45:25,665 Then I will inform Her Majesty of your arrival. 819 00:45:25,791 --> 00:45:27,082 Thank you. 820 00:45:28,916 --> 00:45:32,207 Right. Now, when we see her, no messing about. She has got to go. 821 00:45:32,333 --> 00:45:34,207 And if she won't go quietly... 822 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:38,582 Sir, I've no stomach for this sort of thing. I've never made war on women. 823 00:45:38,708 --> 00:45:42,499 Then it's high time you started, mate. They're a dead menace. 824 00:45:42,625 --> 00:45:44,332 Any time there's any kind of trouble, 825 00:45:44,458 --> 00:45:47,499 you can bet your bottom sesterce there's a woman behind it. 826 00:45:47,625 --> 00:45:51,207 - I still don't like it. - You're too soft. Just leave it to me. 827 00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:53,707 I know how to handle this ambitious battleaxe. 828 00:45:53,833 --> 00:45:55,999 She's too big for her boots, that's her trouble. 829 00:45:57,458 --> 00:46:00,665 The Queen will see you now. Follow me, gentlemen. 830 00:46:06,166 --> 00:46:08,249 ln here, gentlemen, please. 831 00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:12,749 All right, I'll come straight to the point. Miss, l... You... 832 00:46:12,875 --> 00:46:14,040 Yes? 833 00:46:15,875 --> 00:46:17,957 ls there something I can do for you? 834 00:46:18,083 --> 00:46:20,332 (Growls lustfully) 835 00:46:21,541 --> 00:46:23,540 Go on. Tell her. 836 00:46:23,666 --> 00:46:25,832 (Growls lustfully) 837 00:46:25,958 --> 00:46:28,457 You know. She's getting too big for her boots. 838 00:46:29,416 --> 00:46:30,624 Boots? What boots? 839 00:46:31,208 --> 00:46:33,707 - I don't see any boots. - Caesar's orders. 840 00:46:33,833 --> 00:46:35,832 She's got to go. 841 00:46:35,958 --> 00:46:37,957 - Go? - Yeah. 842 00:46:38,375 --> 00:46:40,624 - Got to go. - Oh, well. Goodbye. 843 00:46:40,750 --> 00:46:42,082 Not me. Her. 844 00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:43,957 Eh? Oh, yes. 845 00:46:44,083 --> 00:46:46,874 Yes. Now look, I'm ver sorry, miss. 846 00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,499 But I've had my orders. Madam, l... 847 00:46:53,125 --> 00:46:58,124 Don't apologise, please. I could forgive such a handsome visitor anything. 848 00:47:00,666 --> 00:47:02,832 What handsome visitor? 849 00:47:02,958 --> 00:47:04,207 Oh, me! 850 00:47:04,333 --> 00:47:07,082 I thought you said you knew how to handle women. 851 00:47:07,208 --> 00:47:08,999 Well, I do. It's all right. 852 00:47:09,125 --> 00:47:12,415 Now look here, miss, I have come from Rome at Caesar's express bidding 853 00:47:12,541 --> 00:47:14,082 to get... 854 00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:17,707 Just one moment. lf you're going to get cross with me, 855 00:47:17,833 --> 00:47:19,290 I'll just get out of my bath 856 00:47:19,416 --> 00:47:22,290 and slip into something a little more comfortable, if you don't mind. 857 00:47:29,375 --> 00:47:31,165 (Growls) 858 00:47:35,083 --> 00:47:41,165 You were saying? 859 00:47:41,291 --> 00:47:43,707 (Narrator) 'But Cleo knew that as Queen of Egypt, 860 00:47:43,833 --> 00:47:47,582 'she could offer favours that a Roman generaI would find hard to refuse. 861 00:47:47,708 --> 00:47:48,999 'And she knew too 862 00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:52,290 'that such favours as the powerful Ptolemy might have to offer, 863 00:47:52,416 --> 00:47:54,082 'he could stick in his ear hole.' 864 00:47:54,208 --> 00:47:56,082 Cleo! 865 00:47:56,208 --> 00:47:57,665 Mark, you're back! 866 00:47:57,791 --> 00:47:59,665 - And have I got good news for you. - What? 867 00:47:59,791 --> 00:48:02,624 Ptolemy's head, it's fallen. ln the dust. 868 00:48:02,750 --> 00:48:04,499 - But how? - I cut it off. 869 00:48:04,625 --> 00:48:06,540 Thank you! It's just what I always wanted. 870 00:48:07,250 --> 00:48:09,874 Now I'm the undisputed queen of all Egypt. 871 00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,499 Do you know, I feel I ought to give you something in return. 872 00:48:13,541 --> 00:48:15,790 Yes, but not in front of all the handmaidens. 873 00:48:15,916 --> 00:48:17,915 No, no, no. 874 00:48:18,708 --> 00:48:24,749 There. Now, come and sit beside me. 875 00:48:24,875 --> 00:48:26,999 Do we have to have him hanging around all the time? 876 00:48:27,125 --> 00:48:30,874 Sosages? He's my bodyguard. He never leaves my side. 877 00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:34,832 Yes, I know, but I don't like sausages, especially overcooked. 878 00:48:34,958 --> 00:48:38,957 There's nothing to fear, lover. He's a mute. And he cannot talk either. 879 00:48:39,083 --> 00:48:41,082 No, but he can watch, can't he? 880 00:48:42,666 --> 00:48:44,624 Just to please you. 881 00:48:44,750 --> 00:48:46,415 Sosages, you may leave us. 882 00:48:54,250 --> 00:48:56,249 Now then, that's better! 883 00:48:56,375 --> 00:48:58,582 (Crack) 884 00:48:58,708 --> 00:49:00,290 You sure that's dead? 885 00:49:00,416 --> 00:49:03,290 - Do you know, lover, I've been thinking... - Me, too. 886 00:49:03,416 --> 00:49:06,665 I've been thinking about all the things you and I could do together... 887 00:49:06,791 --> 00:49:09,207 - That makes two of us! - ... if only you were emperor! 888 00:49:09,333 --> 00:49:11,915 Yeah, but I'm not. So just do with me as I am. 889 00:49:12,041 --> 00:49:13,832 No, no, no, but you could be. 890 00:49:13,958 --> 00:49:16,249 Supposing Caesar were to die suddenly. Couldn't you? 891 00:49:16,375 --> 00:49:18,207 You've got Ptolemy's head. What more do you want? 892 00:49:18,333 --> 00:49:21,999 We have an old saying in Egypt. "Two heads are better than one." 893 00:49:22,166 --> 00:49:25,082 But you don't know what you're asking. Caesar is my friend. 894 00:49:25,208 --> 00:49:27,249 But it's such a little thing to ask for. 895 00:49:27,375 --> 00:49:29,832 That's just it, it's not a little thing. He's a big head. 896 00:49:29,958 --> 00:49:33,249 You've disappointed me. I thought that you were a reaI man. 897 00:49:34,041 --> 00:49:35,290 I am. 898 00:49:35,416 --> 00:49:36,499 Then prove it. 899 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,624 That's what I've been trying to do. 900 00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,665 No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen 901 00:49:40,791 --> 00:49:42,540 and I cannot consort with anyone but an equal. 902 00:49:42,666 --> 00:49:47,415 Supposing, just supposing, I did what you wanted and I became emperor, 903 00:49:48,416 --> 00:49:49,915 what would be my reward? 904 00:49:50,916 --> 00:49:52,624 I'll show you. 905 00:49:57,125 --> 00:50:01,040 (Cleopatra) Hurr back. I shall be waiting... impatiently. 906 00:50:01,583 --> 00:50:03,582 I'll be back. Don't you worr. 907 00:50:04,333 --> 00:50:05,999 Give me strength! 908 00:50:11,791 --> 00:50:15,874 Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer! 909 00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:18,332 (Narrator) 'Which, as any schoolboy knows, 910 00:50:18,458 --> 00:50:22,957 'means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy!" 911 00:50:25,291 --> 00:50:29,499 'So, as Mark Antony hurried back from Cleo to his friend Caesar in Rome, 912 00:50:29,625 --> 00:50:33,374 'it looked as if one man's meat was going to be another man's dose of rat poison. 913 00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:36,499 'While Caesar, his popularity and safety guaranteed 914 00:50:36,625 --> 00:50:39,832 'by the reputation of his bodyguard Hengist, carries on as usual.' 915 00:50:39,958 --> 00:50:41,957 Yes. Ver nice, dear. 916 00:50:42,083 --> 00:50:44,999 Thank you ver much. Definitely me. 917 00:50:45,125 --> 00:50:46,874 Where's my laurels? 918 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,582 Here they are, my lord. 919 00:50:48,708 --> 00:50:51,540 Silly me. I've been resting on 'em! 920 00:50:51,666 --> 00:50:52,665 Will that be all, my lord? 921 00:50:52,791 --> 00:50:55,374 You might just run an iron over those for me. 922 00:51:03,750 --> 00:51:05,415 I wish you'd get rid of that woman! 923 00:51:05,541 --> 00:51:07,082 Oh, don't be like that, dear. 924 00:51:07,208 --> 00:51:09,790 You know ver well I've only got eyes for you. 925 00:51:09,916 --> 00:51:11,957 That's all I ever get nowadays, eyes. 926 00:51:12,083 --> 00:51:14,040 Go along with you. Have another bunch of grapes. 927 00:51:16,291 --> 00:51:18,165 Excuse me, sir. Mark Antony is here. 928 00:51:18,291 --> 00:51:20,915 Oh, my friend! 929 00:51:21,041 --> 00:51:22,624 - Let him come in. - Yes, sir. 930 00:51:25,375 --> 00:51:27,832 All right. You can go in now. 931 00:51:27,958 --> 00:51:29,957 - Thank you. - Just a minute. 932 00:51:30,083 --> 00:51:31,790 I'd like your sword first. 933 00:51:31,916 --> 00:51:35,665 Have you gone raving mad? I'm Caesar's friend. 934 00:51:35,791 --> 00:51:38,582 That's what they all say. Come on. Hand over your sword. 935 00:51:38,708 --> 00:51:40,665 - Go and get... - Watch it! 936 00:51:40,791 --> 00:51:44,082 Remember what happened to Bilious and the others. 937 00:51:45,958 --> 00:51:47,582 There. 938 00:51:47,708 --> 00:51:51,082 That's better. OK. You can go in now. 939 00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:52,582 I don't get it. 940 00:51:52,708 --> 00:51:54,499 I just don't get it. 941 00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:59,665 How did you manage to dispatch five of them, all by your idiot self? 942 00:52:00,416 --> 00:52:02,165 lt was quite simple, really. 943 00:52:02,291 --> 00:52:04,707 I'm ver sorry there wasn't more of them, as a matter of fact. 944 00:52:04,833 --> 00:52:09,124 - I don't like things to be too onesided. - Get away. Show me how you did it. 945 00:52:10,708 --> 00:52:12,249 Go on. Show me. 946 00:52:14,583 --> 00:52:17,540 Like this. I started off with a couple of quick parries, 947 00:52:17,666 --> 00:52:19,707 like that you see, followed by the riposte. 948 00:52:19,833 --> 00:52:23,707 I gave him the cut and thrust, followed by the pas-dedeux, and the old onetwo. 949 00:52:25,708 --> 00:52:27,207 What have I done? 950 00:52:27,333 --> 00:52:30,374 Forget it. Nobody will ever notice the difference. 951 00:52:36,291 --> 00:52:39,540 I'm sorry, Venus, madam. 952 00:52:39,666 --> 00:52:41,332 - Tony! - Julie! 953 00:52:41,458 --> 00:52:44,665 Oh, it is good to see you back. How did everything go in Egypt? 954 00:52:44,791 --> 00:52:46,207 What a fantastic countr! 955 00:52:46,333 --> 00:52:48,665 You ought to see the pyramids. And the Sphinx. 956 00:52:48,791 --> 00:52:51,790 Yes, that's because they have no drains, of course. 957 00:52:51,916 --> 00:52:54,165 - But how did everything go? - Oh, fine. Fine. 958 00:52:54,291 --> 00:52:57,207 - Everything went according to plan? - Well, not quite. 959 00:52:57,333 --> 00:52:59,790 - What do you mean? - You told me to get rid of Cleopatra 960 00:52:59,916 --> 00:53:01,415 and put Ptolemy on the throne. 961 00:53:01,541 --> 00:53:03,457 - Yes. - I did it the other way round. 962 00:53:03,583 --> 00:53:05,832 Anyone could make a mistake, I suppose. 963 00:53:05,958 --> 00:53:08,165 lt wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose. 964 00:53:08,291 --> 00:53:09,790 Cos quite frankly, I thought 965 00:53:09,916 --> 00:53:12,290 she would make a much better queen than he would. 966 00:53:12,416 --> 00:53:14,082 She is the right sex, of course! 967 00:53:14,208 --> 00:53:16,540 Not only that. She's all for us Romans. 968 00:53:16,666 --> 00:53:18,040 How do you know? 969 00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:23,707 She told me that her greatest ambition is to have a liaison with you. 970 00:53:23,833 --> 00:53:26,707 Hang on. Not in front of the wife. 971 00:53:26,833 --> 00:53:28,165 Hello, dear. How are you? 972 00:53:28,291 --> 00:53:31,624 Are you all right? Have another melon. 973 00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:34,290 Tell me more about this Cleopatra. What's she like? 974 00:53:34,416 --> 00:53:37,374 You have got to see her. Her hair is as black as ebony, 975 00:53:37,500 --> 00:53:40,707 her face is like an ivor goddess, and her neck is like a swan. 976 00:53:40,833 --> 00:53:42,457 Oh, yes. Go on. 977 00:53:42,583 --> 00:53:45,915 - Her feet like sculptured marble. - Don't leave out all the best bits! 978 00:53:46,000 --> 00:53:50,457 I cannot tell you any more about this woman. She is absolute perfection. 979 00:53:50,583 --> 00:53:52,582 They call her the "Siren of the Nile." 980 00:53:52,708 --> 00:53:54,707 Oh! I hope she don't go off! 981 00:53:54,833 --> 00:53:57,124 I mean, they do tend to in these hot countries. 982 00:53:57,250 --> 00:54:01,082 Don't worr. She's got a deep frieze running round the walls of the palace. 983 00:54:01,208 --> 00:54:03,082 Well, I would like to meet her. 984 00:54:03,208 --> 00:54:05,624 But I don't see how I can get away again so soon. 985 00:54:07,333 --> 00:54:09,207 Say it's an officiaI visit. 986 00:54:09,333 --> 00:54:10,915 To do what? 987 00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,582 Tell her they want you to open a tomb or something. 988 00:54:13,708 --> 00:54:17,707 Yes. lt might work. I don't know, though. Look at her. 989 00:54:18,916 --> 00:54:23,624 Julie, Julie. I tell you, you have never seen a beauty such as this. 990 00:54:23,750 --> 00:54:26,249 And underneath, a raging passion, 991 00:54:26,375 --> 00:54:29,415 like a tempestuous stream waiting to burst its banks! 992 00:54:29,541 --> 00:54:33,790 Oh, that's done it. Order my galley, and find out what time the banks open. 993 00:54:34,916 --> 00:54:36,207 Come on! 994 00:54:36,333 --> 00:54:38,415 (Gulls cry) 995 00:54:39,916 --> 00:54:41,874 Go on. Move. 996 00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:46,540 What was all that? 997 00:54:46,666 --> 00:54:49,499 Just watching the galley slaves come aboard. 998 00:54:49,625 --> 00:54:50,874 Right, now then. 999 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:54,040 Before Caesar gets here, let's make quite sure we understand each other. 1000 00:54:54,166 --> 00:54:56,249 Caesar has got to die before we reach Egypt. 1001 00:54:56,375 --> 00:54:59,165 - I don't like it, Mark. - You don't like it? 1002 00:54:59,291 --> 00:55:01,999 I'm not asking you to do ver much, am l? 1003 00:55:02,125 --> 00:55:03,999 I mean, it's not for my good, is it? 1004 00:55:04,125 --> 00:55:05,915 - It's for the good of Rome. - Are you sure? 1005 00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,874 Course I'm sure. And on top of that, when I'm emperor, 1006 00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:10,290 I'll see you four are all right. 1007 00:55:10,416 --> 00:55:13,707 Ah, ver well, but I wish you hadn't asked me to slay him. 1008 00:55:13,833 --> 00:55:15,957 - Why not? - I'm his cousin. 1009 00:55:16,083 --> 00:55:18,624 I can't do it, can l? I'm his friend. 1010 00:55:18,750 --> 00:55:20,957 ? Fanfare 1011 00:55:21,083 --> 00:55:24,415 Here comes his new champ, Maximus Big Bonce. 1012 00:55:24,541 --> 00:55:26,582 - Hail. - Hail. 1013 00:55:31,208 --> 00:55:33,582 Morning, General. Are you all ready for Caesar to come aboard? 1014 00:55:33,708 --> 00:55:37,290 Oh, no. We're just standing here to give the seagulls a bit of practice. 1015 00:55:37,416 --> 00:55:39,540 Oh, yes? Well, er... 1016 00:55:39,666 --> 00:55:41,249 Where's the Captain? 1017 00:55:41,375 --> 00:55:43,457 - Watch it! - I'm Agrippa. 1018 00:55:43,583 --> 00:55:47,915 And I know one or two holds myself. So you wanna watch it, mate. 1019 00:55:48,041 --> 00:55:50,624 He's the Captain. His name is Agrippa. 1020 00:55:50,750 --> 00:55:52,665 Why couldn't he say so? 1021 00:55:52,791 --> 00:55:55,749 Now, listen to me, all you men. 1022 00:55:55,875 --> 00:55:59,749 Listen to... 1023 00:55:59,875 --> 00:56:03,832 Listen to me, all you men, I'm responsible for Caesar's safety on this ship. 1024 00:56:03,958 --> 00:56:08,624 So if any of you are thinking of starting anything, you've got to answer to me. 1025 00:56:08,750 --> 00:56:10,499 Oh! (Laughs) 1026 00:56:13,500 --> 00:56:15,290 I suppose you think that's funny. 1027 00:56:17,583 --> 00:56:18,874 Right. 1028 00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:22,332 I will now check Caesar's quarters. Where are they? 1029 00:56:22,458 --> 00:56:24,124 - Over here. - Thank you. 1030 00:56:26,750 --> 00:56:28,749 Argh! 1031 00:56:28,875 --> 00:56:30,957 (Clattering) 1032 00:56:33,416 --> 00:56:34,999 He'll have to go, too. 1033 00:56:35,125 --> 00:56:36,749 ? Fanfare 1034 00:56:36,875 --> 00:56:38,165 Hail, Caesar. 1035 00:56:38,916 --> 00:56:40,290 Hail. 1036 00:56:40,791 --> 00:56:43,374 Now, Julius, do remember what I told you. 1037 00:56:43,500 --> 00:56:47,832 Always wear your wooI vest, see the beds are aired, and don't drink the water. 1038 00:56:47,958 --> 00:56:49,790 Yes, yes, yes. All right, dear. 1039 00:56:49,916 --> 00:56:52,374 Don't have anything to do with eastern women. 1040 00:56:52,500 --> 00:56:53,790 I've heard funny stories about them. 1041 00:56:53,916 --> 00:56:55,957 It's a purely business tr... 1042 00:56:56,083 --> 00:56:57,832 Really? What sort of stories? 1043 00:56:57,958 --> 00:57:00,624 Well, there was this eastern... Never mind that! 1044 00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,124 Why you're taking her, I can't imagine. 1045 00:57:02,250 --> 00:57:05,082 I've told you, dear. I'm taking her to give to Cleopatra. 1046 00:57:05,208 --> 00:57:08,999 - I don't like turning up without something. - Why couldn't you have taken me? 1047 00:57:09,125 --> 00:57:12,040 She wouldn't want you. Now, run along, we've got to go. 1048 00:57:12,166 --> 00:57:14,999 Well, I'm glad Daddy is going. He can keep an eye on things. 1049 00:57:15,125 --> 00:57:16,915 He's doing that already, the dirty old... 1050 00:57:17,041 --> 00:57:20,207 - Seneca. Say your farewell. - Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear. 1051 00:57:20,333 --> 00:57:22,832 Not to her. She's going with us. 1052 00:57:22,958 --> 00:57:25,624 Yes, I know, but this is more fun than saying goodbye to my daughter. 1053 00:57:25,750 --> 00:57:28,457 Come on. We've got to get under way. 1054 00:57:28,583 --> 00:57:30,999 - Goodbye, Daddy. - Goodbye, daughter. 1055 00:57:31,125 --> 00:57:32,874 Goodbye, Julius. 1056 00:57:33,000 --> 00:57:35,665 Goodbye. Good riddance. 1057 00:57:35,791 --> 00:57:39,165 (Narrator) 'And so, their proud ship set saiI for Egypt. 1058 00:57:39,291 --> 00:57:42,457 'Little did they know that down in the engine room, 1059 00:57:42,583 --> 00:57:46,499 'a desperate man was preparing to bung a spanner in the machiner.' 1060 00:57:46,625 --> 00:57:48,165 (Overseer) ln! 1061 00:57:49,041 --> 00:57:50,290 Out! 1062 00:57:51,291 --> 00:57:53,790 ln! 1063 00:57:53,916 --> 00:57:55,582 Out! 1064 00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:57,665 Put your back into it, scum! 1065 00:58:00,458 --> 00:58:02,957 - Will you have some, my lord? - I don't know, dear. What is it? 1066 00:58:03,083 --> 00:58:07,165 Delicious, my lord! It's peacocks' tongues and alligators' brains in aspic. 1067 00:58:07,291 --> 00:58:09,999 No, thank you, dear. I don't think I'll bother. 1068 00:58:10,125 --> 00:58:11,582 Oh. Will you have some, my lord? 1069 00:58:11,708 --> 00:58:14,707 Well, I wouldn't mind a little nibble, I must say! 1070 00:58:14,833 --> 00:58:16,457 That'll be quite enough of that sort of thing! 1071 00:58:16,583 --> 00:58:18,540 I only wanted to see what was for afters. 1072 00:58:18,666 --> 00:58:22,082 Did I ever tell you about the feast Cleopatra threw for me on her barge? 1073 00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:24,582 Please don't mention throwing. 1074 00:58:24,708 --> 00:58:28,832 - You are not well, my lord? - Just a little sic transit, Gloria! 1075 00:58:28,958 --> 00:58:31,332 ln! 1076 00:58:31,458 --> 00:58:33,499 Out! 1077 00:58:33,625 --> 00:58:35,207 ln! 1078 00:58:35,875 --> 00:58:37,332 Out! 1079 00:58:37,458 --> 00:58:39,415 All right. Take it easy. 1080 00:58:39,541 --> 00:58:41,624 Rest. 1081 00:58:43,625 --> 00:58:45,957 I can see the coast about a quarter of a mile away. 1082 00:58:46,083 --> 00:58:48,082 - That must be Africa. - Right. 1083 00:58:49,125 --> 00:58:51,832 What about a little swim, eh? 1084 00:58:51,958 --> 00:58:54,582 Look out, he's coming. 1085 00:58:54,708 --> 00:58:56,707 (Overseer) Right, you scum. 1086 00:58:56,833 --> 00:58:58,665 Get ready for some rowing. 1087 00:58:59,708 --> 00:59:01,790 (Chokes) 1088 00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:06,999 You've done him in. 1089 00:59:07,125 --> 00:59:09,582 I must've pulled the chain too hard. Oh, well. 1090 00:59:13,166 --> 00:59:16,165 Right, lads. Here we go. Go off as quietly as possible. 1091 00:59:16,291 --> 00:59:17,999 Slip over the side and swim for it. 1092 00:59:19,708 --> 00:59:21,290 There, Julie. Have a bit of fruit. 1093 00:59:21,416 --> 00:59:23,999 I might just manage a bit of melon. 1094 00:59:24,125 --> 00:59:26,290 Would you like some fruit, Hengist? 1095 00:59:26,416 --> 00:59:27,457 What's this? 1096 00:59:27,583 --> 00:59:30,082 They call that a banana. Comes from Africa. 1097 00:59:32,250 --> 00:59:33,749 Funny sort of taste, innit? 1098 00:59:33,875 --> 00:59:37,540 - You're supposed to take the inside out. - Oh. I see. 1099 00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:43,124 Oh, yes. Much better. 1100 00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:47,082 I meant to tell you. I had a smashing vision last night. 1101 00:59:47,208 --> 00:59:50,832 - Not another one. - Yes. Stop me if you've heard it before. 1102 00:59:50,958 --> 00:59:52,915 We were all sitting here having a meal. 1103 00:59:53,416 --> 00:59:56,582 You went out onto the deck, and there were Agrippa and all the other officers 1104 00:59:56,708 --> 01:00:00,082 with their dirty great swords hanging out. Most enjoyable! 1105 01:00:00,208 --> 01:00:02,207 Why, what happened? 1106 01:00:02,333 --> 01:00:04,832 They sliced your head in two. 1107 01:00:04,958 --> 01:00:06,957 Oh! Oh! 1108 01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:09,790 Defend yourself, Caesar! 1109 01:00:12,125 --> 01:00:13,540 It's true! 1110 01:00:13,666 --> 01:00:14,832 (Antony) What's true? 1111 01:00:14,958 --> 01:00:17,457 Agrippa and the others, with their swords out. 1112 01:00:17,583 --> 01:00:21,332 Oh, good. I've never had a vision come true before. 1113 01:00:22,375 --> 01:00:24,499 What's going to happen to me? What? 1114 01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:28,457 I told you. Your head will be sliced completely in two. 1115 01:00:28,583 --> 01:00:29,832 Oh, shut up! 1116 01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:31,957 (agrippa) Caesar! Hear me! 1117 01:00:32,083 --> 01:00:34,415 What I am doing is for Rome. 1118 01:00:34,541 --> 01:00:37,124 Since you are a soldier like me, 1119 01:00:37,250 --> 01:00:40,832 I will give you the chance to face us, sword in hand, 1120 01:00:40,958 --> 01:00:43,332 and die with dignity! 1121 01:00:44,541 --> 01:00:48,290 Did you hear them? They want me to go out and face them, sword in hand, 1122 01:00:48,416 --> 01:00:50,249 and die with dignity. 1123 01:00:50,375 --> 01:00:51,832 Help me! 1124 01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:54,749 You can borrow this if you like. 1125 01:00:54,875 --> 01:00:58,040 But I don't want to face them and die with dignity! 1126 01:00:58,166 --> 01:01:00,457 Then stick it up your toga and go out backwards. 1127 01:01:14,416 --> 01:01:18,374 Tony! You'll not let them slay me. You'll take them on, won't you? 1128 01:01:18,500 --> 01:01:21,415 I'd like to, Julie, but I can never fight on a full stomach. 1129 01:01:21,541 --> 01:01:23,957 Oh, woe is me. 1130 01:01:24,083 --> 01:01:26,374 ls there to be no succour? 1131 01:01:26,500 --> 01:01:28,665 Yeah. There's always Hengist. 1132 01:01:28,791 --> 01:01:31,040 Hengist! Of course. My champion. 1133 01:01:31,166 --> 01:01:32,374 Where is he? 1134 01:01:32,500 --> 01:01:33,874 Yes? 1135 01:01:34,000 --> 01:01:36,832 You will go out and face them. There are only four of them. 1136 01:01:36,958 --> 01:01:39,707 You needn't worr. You can dispatch them quite easily. 1137 01:01:39,833 --> 01:01:41,165 Me? 1138 01:01:41,291 --> 01:01:43,124 Yes. After all, that is your job. 1139 01:01:43,250 --> 01:01:45,499 You're chief dispatching clerk! 1140 01:01:47,000 --> 01:01:48,874 But they don't want me. They asked for you. 1141 01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:51,999 - He's quite right, you know. - Mind your own business. 1142 01:01:52,166 --> 01:01:54,874 Pardon me, but it is my business. After all, it was my vision. 1143 01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:58,332 It's no good depending on that twit. He's quivering with fright. 1144 01:01:58,458 --> 01:02:00,499 I've just thought of something. 1145 01:02:01,583 --> 01:02:04,707 Why don't we all keep quiet and perhaps they'll go away. 1146 01:02:04,833 --> 01:02:06,165 No! 1147 01:02:07,750 --> 01:02:08,957 All right. 1148 01:02:09,666 --> 01:02:11,790 I'll just take a few... practice swings. 1149 01:02:16,541 --> 01:02:17,999 (Feebly) En garde! 1150 01:02:22,083 --> 01:02:24,290 Ha! Look at that! They'll make mincemeat of him. 1151 01:02:26,125 --> 01:02:29,415 We who are about to die, salute you. 1152 01:02:29,541 --> 01:02:31,540 Oh, don't be so formal. 1153 01:02:31,666 --> 01:02:33,457 Come on. 1154 01:02:43,166 --> 01:02:45,040 One, two, three, four! 1155 01:02:45,166 --> 01:02:46,790 What happened? 1156 01:02:50,333 --> 01:02:52,707 Ah! You would, would you? Right! Take that! 1157 01:02:52,833 --> 01:02:54,832 Behind me, eh? 1158 01:02:54,958 --> 01:02:56,957 You Roman rotter. Take that! 1159 01:02:57,083 --> 01:02:59,082 (Yells) 1160 01:02:59,208 --> 01:03:01,290 Right, that's three of 'em! 1161 01:03:03,916 --> 01:03:05,582 All right. (Sniffs nonchalantly) 1162 01:03:05,708 --> 01:03:07,624 You can come out now. 1163 01:03:10,375 --> 01:03:12,165 Hey! He's done it! 1164 01:03:12,291 --> 01:03:13,999 Oh... 1165 01:03:14,583 --> 01:03:18,457 Sorr to have kept you waiting so long, but I couldn't find my usuaI form today. 1166 01:03:18,583 --> 01:03:20,707 My champion! 1167 01:03:20,833 --> 01:03:22,999 Oh, isn't he marvellous? 1168 01:03:23,125 --> 01:03:25,290 I must do you some honour. 1169 01:03:25,416 --> 01:03:26,582 It's all in the course of duty, sir. 1170 01:03:26,708 --> 01:03:29,999 No. ln recognition of your great services to me, 1171 01:03:30,125 --> 01:03:35,457 Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you with the lmperiaI Order of the Bath. 1172 01:03:35,583 --> 01:03:37,624 Don't lose that. It's the plug. 1173 01:03:39,583 --> 01:03:42,207 Thank you, sir. But all I really want is my freedom. 1174 01:03:42,333 --> 01:03:45,624 Well, we'll talk about that later when we get to Alexandria perhaps. 1175 01:03:45,750 --> 01:03:47,415 lf we ever get to Alexandria. 1176 01:03:47,541 --> 01:03:49,082 lf we... What do you mean? 1177 01:03:49,208 --> 01:03:52,332 Well, haven't you noticed? There's nobody rowing. 1178 01:03:52,458 --> 01:03:57,665 ln! Out! 1179 01:03:58,416 --> 01:04:00,915 - ln... - Oh, isn't it sickening? 1180 01:04:01,041 --> 01:04:05,540 The emperor of the mighty Roman Empire paddling his own canoe! 1181 01:04:05,875 --> 01:04:07,749 (Narrator) 'Having arrived safely at Alexandria, 1182 01:04:07,875 --> 01:04:09,582 'Mark Antony hurried ahead to the palace 1183 01:04:09,708 --> 01:04:11,665 'for his early morning cup of tea. 1184 01:04:11,791 --> 01:04:14,957 'He was too late. Cleopatra had hogged all the milk. 1185 01:04:16,166 --> 01:04:17,874 'What a woman she was, 1186 01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:22,290 'immortalised in Macaulay's famous poem The Lay Of Ancient Rome. 1187 01:04:22,416 --> 01:04:24,749 'No wonder Antony couldn't mark time!' 1188 01:04:24,875 --> 01:04:26,915 - Cleo! - Mark! 1189 01:04:34,333 --> 01:04:37,707 Oh, blimey. I wish you'd get out of that bath now and then. 1190 01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:41,207 Ah, you're cross. Don't you love your little Cleo? 1191 01:04:41,333 --> 01:04:43,415 As much as any man can love a woman 1192 01:04:43,541 --> 01:04:45,749 who spends half her time up to her neck in asses' milk. 1193 01:04:45,875 --> 01:04:47,874 I only bathe four times a day. 1194 01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:49,624 They must milk those asses to a standstill. 1195 01:04:49,750 --> 01:04:51,790 Something's worring my little Markie. 1196 01:04:51,916 --> 01:04:53,749 - I'll say there is. - But what's wrong? 1197 01:04:53,875 --> 01:04:57,332 I'll tell you. Caesar still lives. 1198 01:04:57,458 --> 01:04:59,790 - Still lives? - Yeah. Still lives. 1199 01:04:59,916 --> 01:05:01,207 You mean he's not dead? 1200 01:05:01,958 --> 01:05:03,082 You catch on quick. 1201 01:05:03,208 --> 01:05:04,665 But I don't understand. 1202 01:05:04,791 --> 01:05:07,915 You said you were going to get rid of him and be emperor yourself. 1203 01:05:08,041 --> 01:05:11,374 I know I did, but the plot went wrong. You can't get a coconut ever time. 1204 01:05:11,500 --> 01:05:16,999 Oh. What a shame. I was so looking forward to cementing our alliance. 1205 01:05:17,125 --> 01:05:20,874 There'll be plenty of time to think about that sort of thing later. 1206 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,165 Right now, we've got to think what to do about Caesar. He'll be here any minute. 1207 01:05:30,833 --> 01:05:33,957 A fine way for an emperor to arrive, I must say. 1208 01:05:34,083 --> 01:05:36,999 - Slogging through half a mile of sand. - Yes? 1209 01:05:37,125 --> 01:05:39,707 Good morning. My name is Julius Caesar. 1210 01:05:39,833 --> 01:05:41,665 I represent the Roman Empire. 1211 01:05:41,791 --> 01:05:43,457 No, thanks. Not today. 1212 01:05:43,583 --> 01:05:45,665 Well, really! 1213 01:05:46,708 --> 01:05:49,540 Who does he think he is? Cheek! 1214 01:05:54,708 --> 01:05:56,457 Think. Think. 1215 01:05:56,583 --> 01:05:58,915 There must be some way we can get rid of him. 1216 01:05:59,041 --> 01:06:02,082 - I have a poisonous asp. - Oh, I wouldn't say that. 1217 01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,249 Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look. 1218 01:06:07,666 --> 01:06:09,915 One bite from this is enough. 1219 01:06:12,875 --> 01:06:15,165 You're right. 1220 01:06:15,291 --> 01:06:16,915 One bite's enough for anyone. That's shocking. 1221 01:06:17,041 --> 01:06:19,415 No, no, no, no. lt is supposed to bite you. 1222 01:06:19,541 --> 01:06:21,499 (Knocking) Yes? 1223 01:06:23,125 --> 01:06:26,207 Julius Caesar and his party have arrived, Your Majesty. 1224 01:06:26,333 --> 01:06:31,082 He assures you of his good will, and sends this slave girI as a token. 1225 01:06:31,208 --> 01:06:35,082 Take them to my guest apartments, Archimedes, and ask them to wait. 1226 01:06:35,208 --> 01:06:37,249 Oh, and send the girI to my bedchamber. 1227 01:06:43,041 --> 01:06:44,832 Well, what do we do now, then? 1228 01:06:44,958 --> 01:06:46,874 - Bedchamber. That's it. - What's it? 1229 01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,207 Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages, whatever your name is. 1230 01:06:50,333 --> 01:06:52,790 Go to Caesar, tell him that your queen will meet him 1231 01:06:52,916 --> 01:06:56,624 in her private apartments first crow of the cock tonight, understand? 1232 01:06:59,666 --> 01:07:01,040 What is going on? 1233 01:07:01,166 --> 01:07:04,040 I can't do a thing untiI I get him away from that bodyguard 1234 01:07:04,166 --> 01:07:05,165 and that's where you come in. 1235 01:07:05,291 --> 01:07:06,249 Where have I been to? 1236 01:07:06,375 --> 01:07:08,415 You haven't been anywhere. You're there. 1237 01:07:08,541 --> 01:07:12,749 Tr using your nut for a change. All you've got to do is get Caesar alone. 1238 01:07:12,875 --> 01:07:15,249 Oh, that's what he's come for, money. 1239 01:07:15,375 --> 01:07:17,790 Alone! On his tod! By himself! 1240 01:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,582 Oh. You should have said. 1241 01:07:19,708 --> 01:07:24,082 Just get him into your bedchamber. I'll be waiting there, and then we'll do it! 1242 01:07:24,208 --> 01:07:25,415 Do what? 1243 01:07:25,541 --> 01:07:28,374 Oh, blimey. There must be an easier way to make a killing. 1244 01:07:30,750 --> 01:07:32,040 (Knocking) 1245 01:07:32,166 --> 01:07:33,957 That'll be Cleopatra. 1246 01:07:34,083 --> 01:07:36,040 - Shall I let her in? - Just a minute. 1247 01:07:36,166 --> 01:07:39,165 Give me a chance to... look all sexy. 1248 01:07:43,583 --> 01:07:44,874 Come in. 1249 01:07:48,416 --> 01:07:51,082 - ls that her? - Of course not. 1250 01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:54,249 What is it, my good man? You have some message for me? 1251 01:07:55,458 --> 01:07:57,249 Well, speak up. Have you lost your tongue? 1252 01:07:58,166 --> 01:08:01,499 Oh, well, never mind. You could lose worse things than that. 1253 01:08:01,625 --> 01:08:04,957 I know a bit about sign language. Let me tell him. 1254 01:08:05,916 --> 01:08:10,165 Now, look here, my good man, that is Caesar. You know? 1255 01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:12,457 And he wants an alliance... 1256 01:08:13,083 --> 01:08:15,082 ... with Cleopatra. 1257 01:08:15,666 --> 01:08:17,290 (Grunts) 1258 01:08:20,916 --> 01:08:22,874 Never mind all the maps. 1259 01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:24,999 When do we meet her? When? 1260 01:08:25,125 --> 01:08:27,332 (Grunts) 1261 01:08:27,458 --> 01:08:31,249 - He's going to lay an egg. - No, no, no. He means at cockcrow. 1262 01:08:31,375 --> 01:08:34,165 What cock? The morning one or the evening one? 1263 01:08:34,291 --> 01:08:35,999 Evening cock. 1264 01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:37,874 Thanks, cock. I'll be ready. 1265 01:08:38,666 --> 01:08:40,415 Oh, and by the way, 1266 01:08:40,541 --> 01:08:43,124 tell her I'll be bringing my bodyguard with me. 1267 01:08:43,833 --> 01:08:45,499 There will be two of us. 1268 01:08:45,625 --> 01:08:47,665 You understand? Two. 1269 01:08:53,958 --> 01:08:55,915 What's happening? Put me down. Hengist! 1270 01:08:56,041 --> 01:08:58,165 That's enough of that. Drop it. Drop! 1271 01:09:01,125 --> 01:09:03,499 That's better. You want to watch it, mate. 1272 01:09:13,458 --> 01:09:16,249 I suppose it's his way of saying, "get knotted"! 1273 01:09:16,833 --> 01:09:18,957 - Now, tell me again. - Just listen this time. 1274 01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:22,249 Now, listen. You lure Caesar into your bedchamber, right? 1275 01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:24,332 - Yes. - I'm hidden there beforehand, right? 1276 01:09:24,458 --> 01:09:26,832 - Yes. - Then I run him through. You got it now? 1277 01:09:26,958 --> 01:09:29,040 - No. - Oh, strewth! 1278 01:09:29,166 --> 01:09:32,874 - Suppose he doesn't want to be lured? - He will if you get him in the right mood. 1279 01:09:33,000 --> 01:09:35,207 I know. I'll give him a love philtre. 1280 01:09:35,333 --> 01:09:37,332 - A what? - A love philtre. 1281 01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:39,165 Oh, is that what you do out here? You filter it? 1282 01:09:39,291 --> 01:09:41,332 Oh, no, no, no. This stuff. 1283 01:09:41,458 --> 01:09:43,165 You put a bit of it in their wine, 1284 01:09:43,291 --> 01:09:45,832 and then they get all sort of... well, you know. 1285 01:09:47,291 --> 01:09:50,415 Oh, yes. I come across some of this in Spain once. 1286 01:09:52,333 --> 01:09:54,040 How long before your next bath? 1287 01:09:54,166 --> 01:09:57,040 Oh, not till this evening. (Cackles) 1288 01:09:57,166 --> 01:09:58,457 Cheers. 1289 01:09:59,833 --> 01:10:01,874 I usually have the blow wave. 1290 01:10:02,000 --> 01:10:03,665 Yes, well, I'm no good at that, sir. 1291 01:10:03,791 --> 01:10:06,165 But I know where I am with an iron. 1292 01:10:06,291 --> 01:10:08,290 Be carefuI you don't singe me. 1293 01:10:08,416 --> 01:10:12,082 There's nothing more off-putting in affairs of these sorts than the smell of burning. 1294 01:10:12,208 --> 01:10:14,749 (As woman) "I can smell something burning! 1295 01:10:14,875 --> 01:10:16,249 "Darling, go down and see what it is." 1296 01:10:17,166 --> 01:10:20,707 - Spoils everything. - Yes, sir. 1297 01:10:20,833 --> 01:10:22,749 What is it? 1298 01:10:22,875 --> 01:10:26,582 Beware... the ides of March! 1299 01:10:26,708 --> 01:10:28,749 Oh, dear, he's back. Where have you been? 1300 01:10:28,875 --> 01:10:31,165 The time has come. 1301 01:10:31,291 --> 01:10:34,249 I've seen the writing on the wall. 1302 01:10:34,375 --> 01:10:36,665 Oh, so that's where you've been. 1303 01:10:39,458 --> 01:10:42,832 Look what I've found in the market place. 1304 01:10:42,958 --> 01:10:44,540 Good gracious. What is it? 1305 01:10:45,041 --> 01:10:47,707 He can see into the future. 1306 01:10:47,833 --> 01:10:51,582 Go on, then. You wait untiI you hear what he's got to say. 1307 01:10:51,708 --> 01:10:53,790 Sooth! Sooth! 1308 01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:55,874 You see? He's a soothsayer. 1309 01:10:56,750 --> 01:10:59,165 Sooth. Sooth. 1310 01:10:59,291 --> 01:11:03,165 - Now tell them what you told me. - There is death this night. 1311 01:11:03,291 --> 01:11:05,457 I have seen it in the fire. 1312 01:11:05,583 --> 01:11:08,624 - What fire? - Gather round and have a butcher's. 1313 01:11:10,916 --> 01:11:15,999 I will see whether the goddess will grant us a further vision. 1314 01:11:18,250 --> 01:11:20,707 O, lsis, 1315 01:11:20,833 --> 01:11:22,082 sweet lsis... 1316 01:11:22,208 --> 01:11:23,540 They're lovely! 1317 01:11:23,666 --> 01:11:26,082 I'm ver sorry, sir. It's an old British saying. 1318 01:11:27,250 --> 01:11:29,540 Sweet lsis! 1319 01:11:29,666 --> 01:11:31,790 Grant us a vision, 1320 01:11:31,916 --> 01:11:33,582 we beseech you. 1321 01:11:34,875 --> 01:11:36,040 There! 1322 01:11:37,166 --> 01:11:39,124 Look. A picture is forming. 1323 01:11:39,250 --> 01:11:41,249 A vision. 1324 01:11:41,375 --> 01:11:45,874 (Seneca) Cor! Cor! Now, that's what I call a vision! 1325 01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:48,790 - Who is she? - (Soothsayer) Queen Cleopatra. 1326 01:11:48,916 --> 01:11:53,165 She is preparing herself for a most important meeting. 1327 01:11:53,291 --> 01:11:55,290 (Caesar) That will be the one with me! 1328 01:11:55,416 --> 01:11:59,915 (Soothsayer) Now it is time for her to get dressed. 1329 01:12:00,041 --> 01:12:02,165 (Caesar) She needn't bother. 1330 01:12:02,291 --> 01:12:04,665 (Soothsayer) Oh, she's about to step out of her bath! 1331 01:12:04,791 --> 01:12:06,665 It's gone. What's happened? 1332 01:12:06,791 --> 01:12:09,957 lt always happens in the most interesting parts. 1333 01:12:10,083 --> 01:12:13,082 Well, don't just stand there, do something. Get it back again. 1334 01:12:13,208 --> 01:12:15,290 Sure. I'll have a go. 1335 01:12:17,125 --> 01:12:19,082 (Gibberish) 1336 01:12:20,708 --> 01:12:22,332 Oh, look there! Look. 1337 01:12:22,458 --> 01:12:24,957 Something's starting. Something's forming. 1338 01:12:25,083 --> 01:12:26,165 Where? 1339 01:12:26,291 --> 01:12:30,957 lt is later. I see Queen Cleopatra's apartment. 1340 01:12:31,083 --> 01:12:32,832 It's all bare! 1341 01:12:32,958 --> 01:12:34,457 That's more like it. 1342 01:12:35,125 --> 01:12:39,499 (Soothsayer) lt is prepared for feasting and merrmaking. 1343 01:12:40,375 --> 01:12:43,290 And now, two men are entering. 1344 01:12:43,833 --> 01:12:45,374 Look! 1345 01:12:45,500 --> 01:12:47,915 (Caesar) It's me! (Hengist) And me. 1346 01:12:48,750 --> 01:12:50,832 (Caesar) Just look at me. 1347 01:12:50,958 --> 01:12:53,665 The poor girI doesn't stand a chance. 1348 01:12:53,791 --> 01:12:55,790 (Soothsayer) There is a fanfare of trumpets. 1349 01:12:55,916 --> 01:12:57,874 ? Fanfare 1350 01:12:58,541 --> 01:13:01,957 And Queen Cleopatra is brought in. 1351 01:13:03,791 --> 01:13:06,832 Wait a minute. What's all this? Where's Cleopatra? 1352 01:13:07,958 --> 01:13:10,249 Oh, in the carpet? All right. 1353 01:13:10,375 --> 01:13:12,249 Beat it. 1354 01:13:12,375 --> 01:13:14,540 Hengist, give me your sword, please. 1355 01:13:16,416 --> 01:13:17,999 Thank you. 1356 01:13:18,125 --> 01:13:20,999 Now, stand by that door and see that we are not disturbed. 1357 01:13:40,333 --> 01:13:42,999 A magnificent entrance, my dear. 1358 01:13:43,125 --> 01:13:45,457 And worthy of a great queen. 1359 01:13:45,583 --> 01:13:47,457 Oh, it's just practice. 1360 01:13:47,583 --> 01:13:51,165 - So you are the great Caesar? - Aha! You recognised me. 1361 01:13:51,291 --> 01:13:53,707 I have seen your bust. 1362 01:13:53,833 --> 01:13:56,040 I wish I could say the same. 1363 01:13:56,166 --> 01:13:58,915 - Dost thou like what thou seest? - I certainly doth. 1364 01:13:59,041 --> 01:14:02,249 Tony was right. You are lovely. I am enamoured. 1365 01:14:02,375 --> 01:14:05,082 I shall divorce Calpurnia and marr you. 1366 01:14:05,208 --> 01:14:09,249 I shall be a great emperor. You will be a great queen. 1367 01:14:09,375 --> 01:14:12,874 Together we shall rule the world. Any questions? 1368 01:14:13,000 --> 01:14:15,832 Just one. Aren't we going to cement our alliance? 1369 01:14:15,958 --> 01:14:18,832 Of course. I've brought along a clean trowel! 1370 01:14:18,958 --> 01:14:20,999 Oh, no, no, no. Not here. 1371 01:14:21,125 --> 01:14:23,749 Come to my room alone in one moment. 1372 01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:29,999 You're not going in there alone, sir? 1373 01:14:30,125 --> 01:14:33,124 Yes, it's perfectly all right. Nothing is gonna happen. 1374 01:14:33,250 --> 01:14:36,415 - What are you going in for? - Oh, peasant! 1375 01:14:38,666 --> 01:14:41,165 Come, Caesar. Sit beside me. 1376 01:14:53,291 --> 01:14:56,457 It's gone again. What's the matter with the wretched thing? 1377 01:14:56,583 --> 01:14:58,207 The fire's dying. 1378 01:14:58,333 --> 01:15:01,207 Absolutely sickening. We're missing all the best bits. 1379 01:15:01,333 --> 01:15:05,624 Wait. Look there! Look, it's started again. I see something. 1380 01:15:08,791 --> 01:15:12,165 (Caesar) What's happened? Where have we gone? 1381 01:15:13,250 --> 01:15:15,790 ls this a dagger that I see before me? 1382 01:15:17,583 --> 01:15:19,665 lt is... Argh! 1383 01:15:26,583 --> 01:15:28,665 (Groans) 1384 01:15:30,083 --> 01:15:32,332 (Narrator) 'Caesar hadn't had such a pain in the stomach 1385 01:15:32,458 --> 01:15:34,707 'since the day the imperiaI cook put a mustard plaster 1386 01:15:34,833 --> 01:15:36,499 'on his lobster thermidor. 1387 01:15:36,625 --> 01:15:38,374 'But all was not yet lost. 1388 01:15:38,500 --> 01:15:41,415 'Horsa and the other galley slaves had escaped from the galley, 1389 01:15:41,541 --> 01:15:46,290 'and swum safely to shore, after beating off repeated attacks of cramp and crabs, 1390 01:15:46,416 --> 01:15:49,415 'and made their way over the desert towards the great city, 1391 01:15:49,541 --> 01:15:51,874 'guided by the smell of the drains.' 1392 01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:55,374 - I thought so. Nile water. - Hey, look over there. 1393 01:15:55,500 --> 01:15:56,874 Cleopatra's palace. 1394 01:15:57,000 --> 01:15:59,707 Yes. And a galley waiting for us, eh? 1395 01:15:59,833 --> 01:16:03,624 We'll rest here till it gets dark, men, then we'll swim across, find some food, 1396 01:16:03,750 --> 01:16:06,332 and it's back home to Britain. Ha ha ha! 1397 01:16:08,041 --> 01:16:09,249 Where am l? 1398 01:16:09,375 --> 01:16:11,332 He's coming to. Hurr up with that water. 1399 01:16:11,458 --> 01:16:13,999 - I'm trying to find a clean pitcher. - Forget it. 1400 01:16:14,125 --> 01:16:18,207 Tr and remember you're in Egypt. They only have dirty pitchers here. 1401 01:16:21,041 --> 01:16:22,499 What's that? 1402 01:16:22,625 --> 01:16:24,874 "King Tutankhamen's ashes!" 1403 01:16:25,000 --> 01:16:25,999 Oh! 1404 01:16:26,125 --> 01:16:28,749 The ashes! Now I remember! 1405 01:16:28,875 --> 01:16:30,749 The pictures in the fire! 1406 01:16:32,666 --> 01:16:35,957 Aha! Tonight's the night, eh? 1407 01:16:37,708 --> 01:16:39,415 What's the matter? Don't you want to meet her? 1408 01:16:39,541 --> 01:16:42,832 Tony, I am undone. My end is in sight. 1409 01:16:42,958 --> 01:16:46,374 You'd better do yourself up again quick. What's the matter with him? 1410 01:16:46,500 --> 01:16:48,915 We've seen visions. Oh, they were lovely. 1411 01:16:49,041 --> 01:16:50,040 Visions? What visions? 1412 01:16:50,166 --> 01:16:54,374 Me lying on the floor of the bedchamber with a dagger in my vitals. 1413 01:16:54,500 --> 01:16:57,457 Yes, that one was quite good, but I preferred the one of her in her bath. 1414 01:16:57,583 --> 01:17:01,457 Don't pay too much attention to visions. They get distorted and out of proportion. 1415 01:17:01,583 --> 01:17:03,999 You're quite right. She was a bit much here and there. 1416 01:17:04,125 --> 01:17:06,749 I wish you wouldn't keep talking about her in the bath. 1417 01:17:06,875 --> 01:17:11,040 This is serious. I'm about to be treacherously slain. 1418 01:17:11,166 --> 01:17:14,582 Julie, Julie! Why should she wanna slay you? 1419 01:17:14,708 --> 01:17:16,624 I just spent the afternoon with her, 1420 01:17:16,750 --> 01:17:19,832 and all she did was talk about the kick she's gonna from of meeting you at last. 1421 01:17:19,958 --> 01:17:23,957 I daresay, but I think we should forget the whole thing and go home, don't you? 1422 01:17:24,083 --> 01:17:28,165 What? And have all Rome know that Caesar ran from a mere woman? 1423 01:17:28,291 --> 01:17:29,499 That would finish you. 1424 01:17:29,625 --> 01:17:32,415 You're right. You promised them an alliance. 1425 01:17:32,541 --> 01:17:35,749 You're the only bloke who can get it. Just relax and enjoy your work. 1426 01:17:35,875 --> 01:17:39,582 Will you go with me when I meet her, Tony? You're my friend. You are! 1427 01:17:39,708 --> 01:17:42,082 Julie, of course I'm your friend. 1428 01:17:42,208 --> 01:17:43,832 But I can't come with you right now. 1429 01:17:43,958 --> 01:17:47,165 There's a young lady I met here last time. Daughter of a sheik. 1430 01:17:47,291 --> 01:17:50,457 Arab, eh? I believe they are intense lovers. 1431 01:17:50,583 --> 01:17:53,457 Well, naturally, they do everything in tents! 1432 01:17:53,583 --> 01:17:55,040 (Laughs raucously) 1433 01:17:57,458 --> 01:17:58,624 Tents! 1434 01:17:58,750 --> 01:18:01,957 I don't like it. I don't like it at all. 1435 01:18:02,083 --> 01:18:04,624 No. You're quite right. Tents are too draughty. 1436 01:18:04,750 --> 01:18:07,249 I wish you'd stick to the point. 1437 01:18:07,375 --> 01:18:11,207 lf only that vision hadn't broken down halfway! 1438 01:18:11,333 --> 01:18:16,790 I want to know what happened between me kissing her and me lying on the floor. 1439 01:18:16,916 --> 01:18:19,749 Wait a minute. Cleopatra doesn't know what you look like, does she? 1440 01:18:19,875 --> 01:18:21,457 No. We've never met. Why? 1441 01:18:21,583 --> 01:18:23,790 Supposing someone pretended to be you. 1442 01:18:23,916 --> 01:18:27,707 Someone who's strong and handsome and vital. 1443 01:18:27,833 --> 01:18:29,374 What a good idea! 1444 01:18:29,500 --> 01:18:31,582 I've found something. 1445 01:18:32,666 --> 01:18:35,082 Here we are. This is a ver strong liquor called arak, 1446 01:18:35,208 --> 01:18:36,999 makes you feeI a different person. 1447 01:18:37,125 --> 01:18:40,749 Good. Then you'd better drink it! 1448 01:18:41,208 --> 01:18:43,957 (Narrator) 'The stage was set. The plot was murder. 1449 01:18:44,083 --> 01:18:49,290 'And with the dying sun, came the sound of the evening cockcrow. 1450 01:18:49,416 --> 01:18:50,540 'He's late.' 1451 01:18:50,666 --> 01:18:52,415 (Cock crows) 1452 01:18:52,541 --> 01:18:54,499 'Thank you. 1453 01:18:54,625 --> 01:18:57,957 'Remember, Mark Antony was Caesar's friend. 1454 01:18:58,083 --> 01:19:00,290 'So, out of the kindness of his heart, 1455 01:19:00,416 --> 01:19:03,665 'he was determined not to tickle him with a jagged edge.' 1456 01:19:07,041 --> 01:19:08,832 Right. Here goes. 1457 01:19:24,000 --> 01:19:26,582 There's hospitality for you. 1458 01:19:26,708 --> 01:19:28,749 Tell the others to come on up. 1459 01:19:39,666 --> 01:19:41,290 - You! - Horsa! 1460 01:19:41,416 --> 01:19:42,749 Gloria! 1461 01:19:46,458 --> 01:19:48,707 Oh, am I dreaming? ls it really you? 1462 01:19:48,833 --> 01:19:51,665 I never thought... I never thought I'd see you again. 1463 01:19:51,791 --> 01:19:52,957 I searched for you all over Britain. 1464 01:19:53,083 --> 01:19:55,332 I can hardly believe that you... 1465 01:19:55,458 --> 01:19:57,457 Argh! 1466 01:19:57,583 --> 01:20:00,290 It's all right. They're friends of mine. Help yourselves. 1467 01:20:04,250 --> 01:20:05,957 Come on. 1468 01:20:08,166 --> 01:20:09,999 There's no time to explain now. 1469 01:20:10,125 --> 01:20:11,665 We have a galley below here. 1470 01:20:11,791 --> 01:20:15,374 Climb down to it and wait for us. All right, love? Off you go. 1471 01:20:17,916 --> 01:20:19,457 Seth, guard the door. 1472 01:20:23,416 --> 01:20:25,999 Right, lads, let's get as much of this stuff as we can into the galley. 1473 01:20:26,583 --> 01:20:29,707 - Quick. Someone's coming. - There's no time to get back. Follow me. 1474 01:20:32,791 --> 01:20:34,665 What the...? 1475 01:20:38,958 --> 01:20:40,999 ln here, gentlemen, please. 1476 01:20:41,125 --> 01:20:43,415 Her Majesty will be with you in just one moment. 1477 01:20:43,541 --> 01:20:46,332 - Thank you. - Oh, no. Not you. Out. 1478 01:20:46,458 --> 01:20:48,374 Oh, can't I stay and watch? 1479 01:20:48,500 --> 01:20:51,124 No, you can't, you dirty old sage. 1480 01:20:51,250 --> 01:20:53,332 Go on. Out. 1481 01:20:53,458 --> 01:20:55,582 Now, for heaven's sake, relax. 1482 01:20:56,708 --> 01:20:58,290 Stop playing with your thing. 1483 01:20:58,416 --> 01:21:01,165 I can't relax. I'm not used to this sort of thing. 1484 01:21:01,291 --> 01:21:04,207 - What sort of thing? - Oh, you know. 1485 01:21:04,333 --> 01:21:05,749 Making passionate love and all that. 1486 01:21:05,875 --> 01:21:08,957 What? But you've been married for ten years. 1487 01:21:09,083 --> 01:21:11,165 That's what I mean. I'm not used to it. 1488 01:21:11,291 --> 01:21:14,207 Oh, for Jupiter's sake, it's not as difficult as that. 1489 01:21:14,333 --> 01:21:16,874 You saw the visions. You saw how I did it. 1490 01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:19,290 And I saw what happened to you, too. 1491 01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:23,207 You needn't worr. That won't happen to you. You are impregnable. 1492 01:21:23,333 --> 01:21:25,790 Oh, please. I've explained about that once. 1493 01:21:25,916 --> 01:21:27,540 Come on. 1494 01:21:37,708 --> 01:21:39,040 What are you doing? 1495 01:21:39,166 --> 01:21:41,915 Making sure she hasn't got a dagger hidden in the bed. 1496 01:21:42,916 --> 01:21:44,707 Come on. Help me! 1497 01:21:44,833 --> 01:21:46,832 (Metallic pop) 1498 01:21:47,833 --> 01:21:49,540 There's something under the bed. 1499 01:21:49,666 --> 01:21:51,499 It's all right. lt won't be in that. 1500 01:21:51,625 --> 01:21:52,915 Come on. 1501 01:22:10,000 --> 01:22:12,832 There's no dagger there, so stop worring. 1502 01:22:14,375 --> 01:22:16,665 Hey. That wasn't there before. 1503 01:22:16,791 --> 01:22:18,374 - What? - That. 1504 01:22:18,500 --> 01:22:21,540 Oh, it must have been. Don't be so nervy. 1505 01:22:21,666 --> 01:22:23,249 What you need is a good stiff drink. 1506 01:22:23,375 --> 01:22:24,999 No, thank you. I don't want one. 1507 01:22:30,541 --> 01:22:32,624 Yes, I do. 1508 01:22:41,416 --> 01:22:43,832 Blimey. She must be selling tickets. 1509 01:22:43,958 --> 01:22:46,165 ? Fanfare 1510 01:22:46,291 --> 01:22:47,499 That'll be her. 1511 01:22:47,625 --> 01:22:50,082 No. That wasn't a cockcrow, that was a fanfare. 1512 01:22:50,208 --> 01:22:53,040 It's a fan-tailed cock by now. Pull yourself together. 1513 01:23:02,333 --> 01:23:05,124 Well, don't just stand there. Open it. 1514 01:23:10,000 --> 01:23:12,415 Go on. Open it. 1515 01:23:19,750 --> 01:23:23,082 Oh, go on. Unroll it. 1516 01:23:36,208 --> 01:23:38,499 Madam! Mate! 1517 01:23:39,416 --> 01:23:40,624 I'm terribly sorry. 1518 01:23:40,750 --> 01:23:45,082 There we are, my dear. Oh, that's not part of you, is it? 1519 01:23:45,208 --> 01:23:46,290 No. 1520 01:23:46,416 --> 01:23:50,874 The mighty Caesar does not know his own mighty strength. 1521 01:23:51,000 --> 01:23:52,999 So you are the great Caesar? 1522 01:23:53,125 --> 01:23:56,582 That's right. No, no, I'm his body belt. Bodyguard. 1523 01:23:56,708 --> 01:24:00,207 - He is Caesar. - Oh. You do not look like your bust. 1524 01:24:00,333 --> 01:24:02,665 No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked. 1525 01:24:02,791 --> 01:24:05,999 Dost thou like what thou seest, Caesar? 1526 01:24:06,125 --> 01:24:07,290 Well, go on. Tell her. 1527 01:24:07,416 --> 01:24:09,749 - Hm? - You know. The speech. 1528 01:24:09,875 --> 01:24:12,957 "Tony was right. You are lovely." 1529 01:24:13,083 --> 01:24:14,874 Tony was right. I'm lovely. 1530 01:24:15,791 --> 01:24:19,415 "I am an emperor. You will be a great queen." 1531 01:24:19,541 --> 01:24:22,374 You are an emperor. I'm a great queen. 1532 01:24:22,500 --> 01:24:24,290 Oh! 1533 01:24:24,416 --> 01:24:27,040 No, no, great queen. 1534 01:24:27,166 --> 01:24:31,915 What Caesar is trying to say, and making a right imperiaI mess of it, 1535 01:24:32,041 --> 01:24:34,332 is that he's completely captivated by your beauty 1536 01:24:34,458 --> 01:24:37,874 and wishes to form an alliance. 1537 01:24:38,875 --> 01:24:42,707 Oh, yes. Yes. And all that stuff. 1538 01:24:43,333 --> 01:24:46,499 Well, I do not make alliances in public, Caesar. 1539 01:24:47,500 --> 01:24:49,165 Well, that's that, then. I'd better be going. 1540 01:24:50,000 --> 01:24:51,290 Wait a minute. Come back. 1541 01:24:51,416 --> 01:24:54,540 No, you don't understand. He's a bit shy. 1542 01:24:54,666 --> 01:24:58,707 Oh, is that all? I've got something that will overcome that. 1543 01:25:08,708 --> 01:25:10,457 What's that? 1544 01:25:10,583 --> 01:25:14,457 lt er... shall we say... makes one feeI a little more... friendly. 1545 01:25:19,083 --> 01:25:22,415 Drink this, and come to my room in one minute. 1546 01:25:22,541 --> 01:25:24,124 Alone! 1547 01:25:27,916 --> 01:25:30,040 Go on. Drink it, then. 1548 01:25:43,875 --> 01:25:45,540 Are you there? 1549 01:25:45,666 --> 01:25:47,790 Of course I'm here. How much longer are you gonna be? 1550 01:25:49,916 --> 01:25:51,790 (Explosion) 1551 01:25:51,916 --> 01:25:53,999 (Explosion reverberates) 1552 01:25:59,166 --> 01:26:02,040 - Has it worked? - Yeah. 1553 01:26:03,583 --> 01:26:04,624 Give me a kiss. 1554 01:26:04,750 --> 01:26:08,082 No, no, no. Not me. It's her. It's her. 1555 01:26:08,208 --> 01:26:09,790 That would be a bit better. Get out of my way. 1556 01:26:09,916 --> 01:26:12,165 Wait a minute. Don't overdo it. You've got to... 1557 01:26:12,291 --> 01:26:14,374 Don't tell me what to do... 1558 01:26:17,750 --> 01:26:19,374 ... pheasant. 1559 01:26:20,541 --> 01:26:22,540 Ah, you feeI better, Caesar? 1560 01:26:22,666 --> 01:26:34,290 Cor! 1561 01:26:34,416 --> 01:26:36,415 I say! 1562 01:26:36,541 --> 01:26:38,499 I must have a drink of that stuff myself! 1563 01:26:40,083 --> 01:26:42,290 Whew! You are better! 1564 01:26:42,416 --> 01:26:43,874 Excuse me. I feeI a bit faint. 1565 01:26:45,708 --> 01:26:46,790 That's better. 1566 01:26:46,916 --> 01:26:50,624 Now, come and sit beside me, and we'll work out our alliance. 1567 01:27:07,833 --> 01:27:09,915 (Squealing) 1568 01:27:22,375 --> 01:27:23,374 (Both) You! 1569 01:27:23,500 --> 01:27:25,457 You've messed things up once too often! 1570 01:27:25,583 --> 01:27:27,124 Look out, Hengist! 1571 01:27:30,166 --> 01:27:31,999 Horsa! Where have you been? 1572 01:27:32,125 --> 01:27:34,915 There's no time for that now. To the galley, lads! 1573 01:27:36,833 --> 01:27:38,124 Right. Let's get out of here. 1574 01:27:38,250 --> 01:27:40,124 Sosages! Help! 1575 01:27:40,250 --> 01:27:42,374 Sosages! 1576 01:27:44,750 --> 01:27:46,457 Wait! What about poor old Caesar? 1577 01:27:46,583 --> 01:27:49,290 - Leave him. - I can't. I'm his bodyguard. 1578 01:27:50,541 --> 01:27:54,207 Did you see? That was Tony in there waiting for me with a dagger! 1579 01:27:54,333 --> 01:27:56,499 - Never mind that. - But he was my friend! 1580 01:27:56,625 --> 01:27:58,540 Come on. 1581 01:27:59,416 --> 01:28:01,999 Right, give me your sword. 1582 01:28:02,125 --> 01:28:04,582 No, no, no. Let Hengist. He's best at it. 1583 01:28:04,708 --> 01:28:08,290 What? You've got this all wrong. lt wasn't me. 1584 01:28:29,833 --> 01:28:31,915 (Hengist whimpers) 1585 01:28:50,500 --> 01:28:52,540 (Hengist shrieks) 1586 01:29:07,541 --> 01:29:09,124 I did it! 1587 01:29:10,875 --> 01:29:12,332 I actually did it! 1588 01:29:14,500 --> 01:29:16,665 Well done. Come on. 1589 01:29:33,750 --> 01:29:36,582 Oh, wait for me! Wait for me! 1590 01:29:36,708 --> 01:29:38,790 Wait for me! 1591 01:29:42,833 --> 01:29:44,999 Argh! 1592 01:29:46,333 --> 01:29:48,040 Who's this? 1593 01:29:50,291 --> 01:29:51,790 Just call me... urn! 1594 01:29:51,916 --> 01:29:55,790 (Narrator) 'So it was that Caesar's life had been saved for the third time. 1595 01:29:55,916 --> 01:29:58,415 'He was able to saiI home to Europe from Africa 1596 01:29:58,541 --> 01:30:02,249 'without having been stabbed, poisoned, choked or married. 1597 01:30:02,375 --> 01:30:05,040 'On the other hand, he now faced the somewhat tricky task 1598 01:30:05,166 --> 01:30:08,165 'of selling the senate on the idea of the wind of change.' 1599 01:30:08,291 --> 01:30:11,165 Well, gentlemen, here we are again. 1600 01:30:11,291 --> 01:30:12,790 How are you? Are you all right? 1601 01:30:12,916 --> 01:30:14,999 (Man) Death to Caesar! (Angr shouting) 1602 01:30:18,208 --> 01:30:21,249 Oh! Hello, hello! 1603 01:30:21,375 --> 01:30:24,415 Do I detect a feeling of animosity here? 1604 01:30:24,541 --> 01:30:27,165 Stabbed... six times! 1605 01:30:27,291 --> 01:30:29,499 Am I to end thus? 1606 01:30:29,625 --> 01:30:31,124 Perforated... 1607 01:30:31,250 --> 01:30:34,415 Oh! Et tu brute! 1608 01:30:36,500 --> 01:30:38,540 So dies Caesar! 1609 01:30:38,666 --> 01:30:42,374 Let me just say these last words to you. 1610 01:30:42,500 --> 01:30:45,540 Friends... Romans... 1611 01:30:45,666 --> 01:30:47,915 - Countrmen! - I know! 1612 01:30:48,041 --> 01:30:50,290 Oh, what's the use? 1613 01:30:51,500 --> 01:30:53,665 (Narrator) 'Hengist and Horsa returned to Britain. 1614 01:30:53,791 --> 01:30:57,290 'where Gloria shyly allowed Horsa to lead her to the altar. 1615 01:31:00,458 --> 01:31:03,207 'Hengist too had been far from idle. 1616 01:31:04,666 --> 01:31:10,165 'TraveI had opened up for him a new life that was rich and full.' 1617 01:31:10,291 --> 01:31:12,790 Wouldn't you like to come inside for a bit, darling? 1618 01:31:13,291 --> 01:31:14,457 I might. 1619 01:31:29,666 --> 01:31:31,999 (Eager laughter) 1620 01:31:32,125 --> 01:31:36,624 (Narrator) 'And as for Mark and Cleo, life was just one long Saturday night.' 1621 01:31:37,916 --> 01:31:41,832 Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you everywhere. 1622 01:31:41,958 --> 01:31:43,874 (Growls lustily) 1623 01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:46,499 (Roars) 125931

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