All language subtitles for Rick.and.Morty.S03E05.720p.HDTV.x264-BATV

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Jerry! Jerry, come on!

We got to go!
You got to come with me, Jerry!

Rick?
It's important, Jerry.

The fate of the galaxy
rests on your shoulders.

Let's go.
Put some pants on.

N-Never mind, there's no time
for pants, Jerry.

I'll make you a pair of pants
on the way.

It's a Rick and Jerry
adventure!

Rick and Jerry episode!

Then I thought,
"Hey, what about Jerry?

He's... He's good
with regular folk."

This is a real situation
where... where...

Where Jerry
could really shine.

He's a master convincer."

Rick, I'm not an idiot.
I know what this is.

Oh. Okay, well,
I told Morty,

"Look, parents get divorced.
They get sad. He'll be fine,"

but I think he's worried
you're gonna, you know... Pbht!

And you know how Morty gets
when he gets emotional.

It impedes my work.

So, I told him I'd take you out
and give you a win.

Wait. My son asked you
to take me

on some kind of
pity adventure

to keep me
from killing myself?

Wait, wh-what
did you think it was?

An execution.

Geez!
You really do need a win.

No!
I-I don't know.

I mean, you never made me
the pants, so...

So, you thought
I was gonna drive you

into the middle
of the galaxy

and shove you
into the vacuum of space

with your dick
hanging out?

And we're seeing
how you'd act

if that were
about to happen?

I mean I'll make you
the pants right now.

Take me two seconds
to make you pants.

I have pants at home!
Jerry, if I make pants,

they'll be better than
your pants at home.

Also, if I wanted
to kill you...

Yeah, I get it.
It would be amazing.

Please, take me home.

I'll tell my son we had
an amazing adventure.

Well, if it's all the same,
could we go

get our story straight?

Because
you're a terrible liar.

You called me
a master convincer!

You believed me?

Huh. This seems...
kind of fancy.

Jerry, for all you know,
this is the equivalent

of an alien truck stop.

You have
no frame of reference.

You're in a universe
beyond your imagining.

But, yes,
it is super fancy.

I mean, my job here is
to make Morty happy.

I'm not gonna take you
somewhere dangerous.

Rick Sanchez.

I told you if I ever saw
your face in here again,

I would stick you
like the pig you are.

Shnoopy Bloopers,
I told you if you tried...

There'd be two funerals.

Aaah!!

Someone?

Uh, someone?
Someone!

My friend!
It has been too long.

Oh, it's great
to see you again, buddy!

Yeah, you're doing it.

Mr. Sanchez gets
anything he wants!

The resort's covered
in an immortality field.

You can't die here.
That's the gimmick.

Okay, but still...
Bad parenting.

Hey, rich a-holes are
rich a-holes.

They all pay top dollar
to come here

and enjoy a consequence-free
vacation.

No death, no disease,
no dismemberment.

Can't even have a heart attack.

Got it.
The perfect place

to take the most fragile being
in the universe.

I can tell you expect me
to refute that,

but it's
right on the money.

If I come home
without you,

I doubt Morty's gonna
let me off the hook.

Yeah, but what if you came home
with Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum?

What the are you
talking about, Jerry?

Jesus!

Holy shit!

Yo, what's up,
"Big Chill"?!

Don't go
into the telepod!

Hey, maybe we would have fun
on a fake adventure.

On a fake adventure.

Speaking of...
What are we gonna tell Morty?

I don't know.
But whatever it is,

we're gonna need a couple more
of these babies!

What's wrong?

Mom,
do you think I'm hot?

I... don't think that's something
that matters.

So, I'm not hot?!

I'm saying the part of you
that cares about that

is a part you shouldn't
give any energy to.

That's not an answer!

Because I'm not an issue
of Cosmo, okay?

I'm your mother
and a doctor, and...

I'm hideous!

Geez.
What's with her?

Teenage-girl stuff.

Is that a...
hoof collage?

It's perfectly legal, if that's
what you're wondering.

Cool... zies.

"We just don't have anything
in common any more, Summer."

Oh, yeah, Ethan?

What do you have in common
with Tricia Lange?

A mutual love
of French cinema?

The belief
that a carbon tax

is the only viable solution
to climate change?

Or could it be
her massive stripper titties?!

There it is.

Boob-ya!

And that's when
Malakai the Squid came,

rips off his face,
and beneath it is my face.

I liked it.
Thank you, sir.

Yeah, of course he likes it.
Look at him.

Mother got two heads
and three trunks.

All right,
we'll put a pin in it.

I'm gonna
go take a leak.

What the...?!

My hands are dry!
My hands are dry!

My name is
Risotto Groupon.

I am the assistant general
manager of the restaurant.

Do you have
any comment cards,

because I might have
some thoughts.

My kingdom was
usurped by force

with weapons
and technology

supplied by
your father-in-law!

Hey, he usurped
my kingdom, too, man.

He basically got me kicked out
of my home, stole my family.

Then we are brothers,
and you have wondered

what your life could have been
without Rick.

Wondered? Sure.

I mean, I've wondered
about having a vagina.

Would you help me
kill him?

What? No!

He's my wife's father.
Move on.

Do you...
like theme-park rides?

Oh, you really moved on.

There is a popular attraction
here called the Whirly Dirly.

Between the first whirly
and the third dirly,

the ride dips just outside
the immortality field.

You're asking me to lure Rick
to his death?

I'm only asking you
to go on a ride with Rick,

get off the ride without Rick,
and go home to your family,

where you can...
wonder about having a vagina.

Okay, okay, that was
a very specific example

pulled from thin air.

I don't want to be known
as the vagina guy.

Risotto, you're needed.
Someone ordered

the Nuzzy Guzzy Fresh
and Fluzzy Special.

Look, I'm not like Rick,

so you're free to do
as you please.

But there comes a time
in every man's life

when he must choose
the foundation

on which his legacy
will be built...

One of compromise
or one of blood.

Once a time of
year, there's a special person here

Oh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oops! Okay, a little more
on the other side then.

Oh, come on!

Oh, geez!

Aah! Stop!

So, the hospital just let you
walk right out of there

with horse parts
in a bag?

For Christ's sakes,
Morty,

women going through
a divorce need a creative outlet.

What was that?

Summer!

I'm coming, Summer!

What the hell
happened?!

How do we get her
back to normal?!

I don't know, man! This thing is
pretty complicated.

I-I'm gonna call Rick.

Well, hold on.
We can't just call your grandpa

whenever
there's a problem.

We can handle this
ourselves.

I mean, I don't see the point
in trying to.

This is obviously
Rick-level

I have
a medical degree.

Is that
what this is about?

L-Like, you want
to prove yourself?

Oh, it's not about anything, Morty.
How dare you?

Okay, good.
Then I'll just call... Ow!

Morty, I need this.

Hey, Jerry, triple trunks here
says he knows a place

where the ladies drop panties
for anyone bi-pedal.

Yeah, I'm
not really interested.

My heart still belongs
to Beth.

Oh. Huh. Okay.

What, you don't think
I have a shot?

I didn't say that.

Excuse me.
May I have another one of these?

Coming
right up.

Hmm, things weren't always
so bad between Beth and me.

We had some good times
when we were younger.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

That's how teenage pregnancy
happens, my friend.

Yeah, no.

Things were pretty great, even
until a couple of years ago.

- Jerry, I get it.
- That's around the time

I moved in with you guys.

Oh, I guess
you're right.

Jerry, you know,
I hope you're not suggesting

that I had anything to do
with your marriage breaking up,

because there are some major
issues between you and Beth

that have been there
since you guys met.

Hey, to
new beginnings.

To the Whirly Dirly.

The Whirly Dirly?

All right,
what's going on here?

When did you get cool?!

When you stole my wife!

I should have done that
a long time ago!

We're going on
the Whirly Dirly!

Whirly Dirly, baby.

Aha, look at this.

It says "normalize."

I bet if we
just press that...

But... if the machine was made
by spider people,

normal would mean
eight legs.

Oh, God! are you gonna
go on another spiel

like you did
with the flesh-colored crayon?

I'm pretty sure "normalize"
will make her normal.

Aah!

I'd call that progress.

- She's huge!
- And normal!

I'm not normal!

- Mom!
- Okay, this says reverse."

- Done and done.
- I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh, come on! What else
could "reverse" possibly mean?

Aah!

Mom, call Rick!

Thank you.

There's a customer-service
number on here.

Mom!

Oh, man.
This is gonna be awesome!

I got to hand it to you, Jerry.
This was a solid idea.

Uh, yeah.
Uh-huh.

And you know what?
I'll cop to it.

I put a lot of strain
on your marriage.

It wasn't fair.
I'm sorry.

What?! I didn't respect
your marriage.

I certainly
didn't do it any favors.

And for what it's worth,

I'll apologize to Beth for it
when we get home.

Whoo! Whirly Dirly! Yeah!

Stop the ride!
We got to get off.

What are you
talking about, buddy?

We got to get out of this thing.
We got to get out!

Jerry, come on, man!

We haven't even gotten
to the first whirly.

No, no, this sucks.
It's so boring.

I mean,
I'm falling asleep here.

Let's just get out and crawl
down the sides.

Uh, get down!
Duck down!

It's more fun
when you scrunch down.

Jerry, what the...

Oh

Rick, up here! There's
a spot where you can kill him!

Good call, Jerry!

Hey, how'd you know
about that?

Uh...

Lisa?

So, uh, Jerry, big fan
of the Whirly Dirly, are you?

Not anymore.
Obviously.

But when you were,
how did you know about it?

We had a deal,
Jerry Smith.

It's a really
common name.

Now, take it easy, Rick.

You've been in a serious
roller-coaster crash.

It's... It's no time
to be thinking about

who did or didn't play a role
in your attempted murder.

Get it off me!

It's eating me!

Look, I confess, okay?

They told me about all the
bad stuff you did to this planet

and reminded me of all
the bad stuff you did to me.

But then you said
you were sorry, and I realized

you're not a monster...
Not like this thing.

It's got me good.

This is a mislead,
right?

You're inventing a thing
to save me.

That would be called
a knife, Jerry.

It's been invented.

I'm making a way out of here...
One seat ought to do it.

I'm sorry.
I-I made a mistake.

- I won't do it again!
- Nobody ever does.

You self-righteous
piece of

You took my family!

I took your family?

Who do you think
had more taken from them

when you shot 20 ccs

of liquid dream-killer
into my daughter?

She was Rick's daughter, Jerry.
She had options!

- Oof.
- That all ended

because she felt sorry for you.

You act like prey,
but you're a predator!

You use pity to lure in
your victims!

That's how you survive!

I survive
because I know everything.

That snakes survives
because children wander off,

and you survive
because people think,

"Oh, this poor piece of.
He never gets a break.

I can't stand
the deafening silent wails

of his wilting soul.

I guess I'll hire him
or marry him."

- Rick!
- Rick!

I knew you wouldn't
let me die.

That was never an option.

Because you never had
a son.

No, because I need
a living organism

coated in gibble snake bile
to attract a shmooglite runner.

Wait, what's happening? Use
that confusion, Jerry.

It'll make you wriggle more like
an abandoned newborn.

Jesus Christ!

What the Rick?!

Help!
Help me!

Aaah!

There's a space port
20 miles south.

We'll be able to board
a galaxy class cruise ship

and jump through a wormhole
that will put us

within spitting distance
of the Milky Way.

But, hey,
it's about the journey,

not the destination,
right, Jerry?

Just stay put, sweetie!
Mom's still on hold.

Morphizer customer service.
How may I help you?

Yes, I'm having a little trouble
with one of your machines.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, ma'am.

Do you see a little compartment
on the side of the machine?

Let me check.
Yes, got it.

- Mom?
- Great! Now,

do you see
the little button next to it?

I do. Give that button a push.

Okay.
Mom, listen to me!

We're free!!

Okay, so I pushed the button,
and three little men ran out.

What do I do next?

Hello?

I think
we got disconnected.

- Morty!
- Don't "Morty" me!

I tricked Rick into taking Dad
on an adventure

because I thought
I could get a break

from this kind of
but no!

Like father,
like damn daughter!

You want to be like Rick,
congratulations!

You're just as arrogant
and just as irresponsible!

Everything
okay here?

Mind your own damn
business, Gene!

I'm having a conversation
with my mother here!

Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna
help him keep him around,

Mom, but it will help you lose
everyone else.

Like I lost Summer.

Hey, you haven't
lost her yet.

No, I definitely did.
She's gone.

God damn it!

Go ahead.

Oh, come on.
What's happening?

Your friend is class C or above
cybernetic augmentations.

Emphasis on the above.

In any case,
he needs to be neutralized.

What?! Wait!

Ugh!

Brain hurty.

What did you do?

It's a synaptic dampener
that blocks violent tendencies

and controversial thought.

He will now be
an ideal passenger.

I want cookies
and a 90-minute cut of "Avatar."

Seriously?

- Quit it.
- It'll wear off in six hours.

It's cheaper than banning
dangerous people from flights.

I mean, let everybody
buy a ticket, right?

Otherwise,
the terrorists win.

Aah!

I'm sorry I'm not
a classic maternal archetype.

Okay, I don't know what to do
when you people come to me

with your weird
puberty issues.

What are you gonna do
when your daughter asks you

if she's attractive?

I'll say "yes"!
Morty, gross!

Well, she's
gonna be super hot.

Her mother's gonna be
Jessica...

Wait, when did Summer
ask you that?!

Right before she Clive Barkered
herself. Why?

Wait,
I know where she is!

Ethan and Summer were
supposed to go camping,

and then he dumped Summer
for this girl, Tricia Lange,

who's got huge boobies
and took her.

Campsite... The one with the
name that sounds like somebody

gave up halfway
through naming it.

Uh... Camp Flabanabba!

Mama's coming, baby.

Mama's coming, and she cares
about your titties!

They have
sweet smiggle honey cookies.

Mmm! And low-calorie
petroleum flakes.

Obviously cookies.

Let's get you
the flakes then.

Okay, but it's not
what I wanted.

Well, maybe next time,
you won't be

such a dumb piece of
and you can pick for yourself.

- That's not nice.
- What's that?

Did you just have
a controversial thought?

No. That's what I
thought, bitch.

You little punk-ass.

This is the best.

I agree.
You've made things even easier

than if you hadn't
been incompetent.

Uh-oh.
We get shoot-shoot now.

All right, folks, if you
could please take your seats,

we're about to enter
the wormhole.

So, I hope everybody bought
a dinner first.

Nice. Nice.

Jerry, step over there

and lock yourself
in the escape pod.

You're not killing us?
I'm killing Rick.

You're free to go. You're
no threat to me or anyone.

Now you're
just being mean.

Yeah, you're mean...
No offense.

Mean would be
shooting you, Jerry.

This is
saving a bullet.

Go back to
your quietly ashamed family

and live out
the rest of your days

in denial
of your vagina fantasies.

It was a one-time thought
that everyone has!

What are you doing?

I'm being
triumphantly brave!

It's not triumphant
or brave.

You're not risking
anything.

You might shoot me.

I think
you know I won't.

Because you know
I feel sorry for you.

You're just doing this
so you can tell yourself

you fought... Ow!

Temporal shield compromised.

Congratulations, Jerry.
You get to die a man.

Uh, that's okay!
I'll leave!

Please don't shoot.
I-I'm the vagina guy, remember?

Whoa!
What is happening to me?

Where is this?
Where am I?

Am I dead?

A-Am I... Am I still alive?

Those aren't the questions
you should be asking.

Huh?!

Shh!

Ah, got ya!

Come here,
you little pumpkin.

I have shit on my ass.

Whoa, oof this!

Who am I?

Who am I?

I'm time!
I'm literally time!

Whooooa!

Aah!

Oh, God. I feel like
our souls were united,

and we were all one
with eternity.

Our body's unchanged,

yet our minds have lived
a thousand lifetimes.

Is that enough time
for me to forgive you?

I don't know,
but it's enough time

for a synaptic dampener
to wear off.

He hadn't decided
he was still going to kill us!

He was talking himself into it.
I've seen it before.

Cosmic apotheosis wears off
faster than salvia.

I'm starting to believe you
because I just finished merging

with your essence
for an endless epoch,

and I'm already back to thinking
you're an asshole.

Fine with me.
Let's just go our separate ways.

Sounds like you
and the word "epoch"

have a lot
of catching up to do.

Wait, don't leave me!

All right, folks,
you're free to get up

and walk around the cabin

and maybe take the wormhole out
for breakfast.

Okay, you can do the
dinner one or the breakfast one,

but not both.

You think you got that thing
figured out?

Yeah, I know
what I'm doing.

Good.
Because I have an idea.

It's actually a contraction
of "some" and "more,"

- you see that?
- Oh, wow.

I was way off.

Morty,
what's happening here?

Summer got into
my grandpa's garage,

messed around, and
turned herself into a monster.

My mom did the same
to make her feel better.

She's a good mom.

Oh, my God.
I have to go call my mother!

Tricia, wait!
Ethan! Ethan!

Hey, it's okay.
Sit down.

You made
my sister cry, Ethan.

You messed with
her body image.

Look, Morty, I...

Shh, shh, shh.

Careful, Ethan.
Your s'more is burning.

Uh, I guess we better
get on the same page

about our fake adventure.

Right.
I'll make you a deal.

I'll leave out the part
where you tried to murder me...

And I'll leave out
the part

where you admitted
to sabotaging our marriage.

You want to...?

Nah, if the family
sees me like this,

they'll
feel sorry for me.

Which is no longer
my signature move.

Later days, amigo.

Actually, I just realized,
I don't have my wallet,

and my bus pass is in there,
so maybe...

Stay strong, Jerry.
I believe in you!

I tell you, fellas.
This is the life.

It certainly is.

To freedom!

Ooh!
Looks like a 4-22.

Ooh, a couple cranks
on scaling knob

with a four dilabyte cross fade
would fix that in a jiff.

Four? You'd be lucky
to clear 13% de-morphized

with that
kind of range.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
what did we agree on?

No work talk!

Let's just relax and enjoy
our retirement, shall...

Oh, my God!

Aaaaah!

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