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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,282
AMY: I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.
3
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,208
I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,
4
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,408
and I've been running late ever since.
5
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,802
My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...
6
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,881
Love you.
7
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,403
...then racing to work
where I have meeting,
8
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,648
after meeting, after meeting.
9
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:27,084
I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,
10
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,649
and I try to work out once a week.
11
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,805
(SIGHS)
Why do I suck at Zumba?
12
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,085
Most days,
I race back to school
for the kids' plays,
13
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,441
and poetry readings and class projects...
14
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,407
Mom!
15
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,164
...which I'm always late for.
(MOUTHING) Sorry.
16
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,050
And then there's PTA meetings,
17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,926
and volunteering
and parent-teacher
conferences.
18
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,646
Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me.
19
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,442
At least once a day,
I feel like the worst mom
in the world,
20
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,965
and I cry in my car.
21
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,684
(WAILING)
22
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,605
Then I shuttle the kids
to piano lessons
and soccer games
23
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,409
and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,
24
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,488
before my daily trip
to the grocery store.
25
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,241
Ugh.
26
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,005
This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.
27
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,370
But I feel like
I'm screwing up
all the time.
28
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,608
Still, I love being a mom.
29
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,728
Here, baby.
There's your organic
turkey club sandwich,
30
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,644
and Dylan,
here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.
31
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,767
What's peanut-free
peanut butter?
32
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,841
I have no idea.
33
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,931
Baby, here's your
American history project
I made you.
34
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,041
I hope you like it.
35
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,522
I love you.
I love you!
36
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,002
Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.
37
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,889
I love my babies so much!
38
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,365
God, they hate me.
39
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,166
Hey, Amy!
40
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:41,685
Hey, guys.
41
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,168
God, I just don't know how you do it.
42
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,969
You just leave your kids all day
43
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,121
and go to work?
44
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,361
You're so strong.
45
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,325
Yeah, thank you.
46
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,283
Don't you miss them?
47
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,650
I do. But I also
need, like, money.
48
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:56,881
Right.
STACY: Hmm.
49
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,769
Oh, gosh, you guys,
I'm so sorry.
I gotta go.
50
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,126
I'm really late to work.
51
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,004
Well, you're always late.
52
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,809
I know. It's basically
the only thing
53
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,166
I'm good at these days.
54
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,287
See you guys later.
55
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,529
God, I just love how hard she works.
56
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,722
Oh, my God, I love how hard she works.
57
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,565
I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.
58
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,921
(TIRES SCREECHING)
59
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,167
AMY: I work at
a super-hip coffee company.
60
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,526
I love my job,
61
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,884
but I'm 32 years old and
I'm the oldest person here
by far.
62
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,486
Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.
63
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:28,921
TESSA: Morning, Momma.
64
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,001
AMY: Morning, Tessa.
65
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,846
Oh, my God,
I am so fucking hungover,
I might actually die.
66
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,126
(CHUCKLES)
67
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,487
That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.
68
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:38,601
Oh.
69
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,849
Right. Except that I took
like a shitload of
pills this morning,
70
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,491
so I don't totally know where I am yet.
71
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,641
You're at work, Tess.
72
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,604
Oh, perfect.
Yeah.
73
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,286
May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.
74
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,284
Is that allowed?
No.
75
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,840
Good morning.
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,166
TESSA: Hey, boss!
77
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,401
Good morning, Dale.
78
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,170
I had a dream last night.
79
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,323
Ooh.
I was naked in a hotel.
80
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,164
I'm talking fully naked, dick, balls...
81
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,327
Yep, got it.
82
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,926
No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.
83
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,121
We got it.
84
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,690
I walk over to the coffee maker
85
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,169
and there is
a bag of our coffee
in the hotel room.
86
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,760
Cool dream, Dale.
87
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,046
Thank you, Tessa.
88
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,167
(CHUCKLES)
Um...
89
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,163
Is this your way of saying that
90
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,766
you wanna start selling
your coffee to
hotels, now?
91
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,486
No. This is my way
of saying that
I want you
92
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,801
to start selling
our coffee to
hotels now.
93
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,611
But Dale, I'm already
running sales
for supermarkets,
94
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,364
airlines and restaurants.
95
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,880
I mean,
I'm just part-time.
96
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,001
You are?
Since when?
97
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,241
Six years ago!
98
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,170
(LAUGHS) What?
No way.
99
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,486
She's here like
every day.
(CHUCKLES)
100
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,689
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, I know, but I have
a family and stuff, so...
101
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,768
Hey! You know
how important
family is to me.
102
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,410
I got it wrote on my arm right there.
103
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,481
AMY: Oh, wow.
104
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,244
It's dope, right?
So tight.
105
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,721
Oh, shit!
I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?
106
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,444
Yes!
No, Dale!
107
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,369
I have lots of work to do.
108
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,001
The History Channel was right.
109
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,764
You guys are the greatest generation.
110
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,806
AMY: I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,
111
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,769
my dog and my husband, Mike.
112
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,329
He's a successful mortgage broker,
113
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,971
but sometimes he
feels like my third child.
114
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,003
Hey, babe.
Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)
115
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,730
Look at all
the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.
116
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,205
You look like a Sherpa.
117
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,927
AMY: Oh!
118
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,163
You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.
119
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,481
I appreciate it.
120
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,006
(GROANS)
Here we go, guys.
121
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,206
Thanks, honey.
122
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,123
All right, love.
How was work?
123
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,523
Oh, I had two
conference calls and then
I took a nap.
124
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,011
It was exhausting.
125
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,489
I bet. I bet.
Uh...
126
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,567
Dylan, baby, how was your science quiz?
127
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,126
Oh, I got a D.
128
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,804
A D? But we
worked so hard.
129
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,881
Baby, what happened?
130
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,362
Do you need extra help?
Should we get
you another tutor?
131
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,891
Mmm, nah, I'm good.
132
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,686
Mike?
133
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,366
Did you hear?
Dylan got a D
on his science quiz.
134
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,560
Way to go, bud.
135
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,489
What? Okay.
136
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,881
Um...
137
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,930
Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait!
How was your
soccer tryouts?
138
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,482
(SIGHS) Coach is posting
a list of who made
the team tonight at 9:00,
139
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,846
and I'm so nervous.
140
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,651
Baby, it's okay, relax.
You will make
the soccer team, I promise.
141
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,286
Just don't freak out.
142
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,609
(GASPS)
I'm freakin' out.
I am, too.
143
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,364
What time is it now?
8:59.
144
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,130
(SIGHS) Come on!
(COMPUTER DINGS)
145
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,086
Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.
146
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,726
Oh, my God. I made the team.
(SQUEALS) I made the team!
147
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,370
Oh, my God.
I am so relieved.
148
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:30,967
(WHISPERS)
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
149
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,606
(GASPS) Baby, I'm so proud of you!
150
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,366
Oh, I'm so excited.
Oh, my God.
151
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,125
This is gonna look
so awesome on
my college applications.
152
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,806
Baby, it's great, it's great,
153
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,763
but just remember
you're only 12,
so it's...
154
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,881
Wait.
155
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,606
What if I don't play?
156
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,488
What if I'm a loser benchwarmer scrub?
157
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,445
You're great,
you're gonna be fine,
you're...
158
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,522
No! It's not fine, Mom.
159
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,130
Do you understand how hard it is
160
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,123
to get into an Ivy League school now?
161
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,202
I mean, they turn away Asians.
162
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,530
That's a little racist, but...
163
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,529
Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.
164
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,726
Why'd you let me eat dessert?
165
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,485
Oh, I know, because you hate me!
166
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,731
Holy shit.
167
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,164
Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.
168
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,241
No.
169
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,085
(GASPS) Oh, my God, are you...
170
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,811
No, no, no, I was just
checking my prostate.
(KEYS CLACKING)
171
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,244
You know,
I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.
172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,481
Why won't this fucking window close?
173
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,561
(GASPS)
174
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,211
Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
175
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,126
Uh, who the hell are you?
176
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,570
I'm his wife.
177
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,887
Oh, shit.
178
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,121
Are you masturbating
online with
some chick?
179
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,440
No, no!
180
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:43,726
Well, then, what are you doing?
181
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,725
(STAMMERING) Uh, um...
I was clicking
and then I...
182
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,641
So then I was...
183
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,246
Yes, okay,
I was masturbating
online with some chick.
184
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,681
What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?
185
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,765
Hold on a second.
I don't think I've
done anything wrong.
186
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,808
This is totally mainstream now.
187
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,325
Hi, I'm Sharon.
188
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,486
I don't know, I don't know, Mike.
189
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,530
This really feels like cheating.
190
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,924
No, no, no, no, no,
this is definitely
not cheating, honey.
191
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,286
I've never even touched her.
192
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,091
Her giant bush is 2,000 miles away.
193
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,007
But how long have you been doing this?
194
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,009
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.
195
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,570
Ten months next Friday.
196
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,566
(MOUTHING)
What the fuck?
197
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,920
Ten months?
198
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,882
Do you have feelings for her?
199
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:29,771
(EXHALES)
200
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,522
You don't masturbate
online with someone
for 10 months
201
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,931
without developing some feelings.
202
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,445
I mean, I'm not a monster.
203
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,642
Do you have feelings for her, Mike?
204
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,724
Yes! Okay?
I have feelings
for her! God!
205
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,441
(MIKE SIGHS)
206
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,563
She's actually a pretty amazing woman.
207
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,569
You know, she runs her own dairy farm,
208
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,130
she's developing an app.
209
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,725
Get out!
What?
210
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,605
Get the fuck out of my house.
211
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,730
So uncool.
212
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,401
(DOOR CLOSES)
213
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,521
SHARON: You know, Amy,
I just feel like
214
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,204
Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...
215
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,611
(GRUNTS)
216
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,361
(GROANS)
217
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,008
Okay, so your dad
had to go outta town
on a business trip,
218
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,566
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,
219
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,201
which should be fine,
220
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,569
as long as everybody does
what they are
supposed to do.
221
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,641
Right?
222
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,444
(WHINING)
Oh, no.
223
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,369
Why is Roscoe walking like that?
224
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,124
He's fine.
He's totally fine.
225
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,889
(GASPS) Oh, no, buddy!
226
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:53,880
(CAMERA CLICKS)
227
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,321
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
228
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,405
Lookin' good, Jeff.
229
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,527
Oh.
230
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,409
Thanks.
Yeah, you been
workin' out?
231
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,562
No, not for like 10 years.
232
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,644
Your beige windbreaker
is really lightin'
up my board.
233
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,400
Oh, uh, thanks.
234
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,970
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.
235
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,641
(SIGHS)
236
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,125
Bye, Jeff!
237
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,601
Emergency PTA
meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
238
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,281
STACY: (GASPS)
Oh, God.
239
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,408
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.
240
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,687
Emergency PTA
meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.
241
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,320
Oh, I don't have any friends.
242
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,086
Oh.
I'm pretty isolated
at home.
243
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,241
I have four kids.
244
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,243
Okay, good.
Please move along.
Thank you.
245
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,287
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
246
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,401
Thank you for inviting me.
247
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,961
Oh, my God.
She just got all her
sadness all over me.
248
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,530
Oh, shit!
249
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,806
Here comes the hot widower.
250
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,247
Hey, Jessie.
Hey, guys.
251
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,321
VICKY: Hi.
GWENDOLYN: Hi.
252
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,245
Cute backpack you got there.
253
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,967
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.
254
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,129
(ALL LAUGHING)
255
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,090
You're hilarious!
You really are!
256
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,321
God, he's so fucking hot.
257
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,401
Here you go.
VICKY: I know.
258
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,249
I'm so glad his wife died.
259
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,250
You know what? I saw
him install a car seat
yesterday in two seconds.
260
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,761
I'm tellin' you, it was
like boom, boom, click.
(MOANING)
261
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,127
It was so hot.
Oh, gosh.
262
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,448
You know what?
I think I'd let him
put it in my butt.
263
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,688
I mean, in theory,
I'm not really
into the butt thing,
264
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240
but I would let him
go to town back there.
265
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,608
I'm with you.
Emergency PTA meeting.
266
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,084
AMY: Okay, I got
four minutes to get
Roscoe to the vet,
267
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,730
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.
268
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,165
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.
269
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,601
Bye, Mom.
270
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,401
(GASPS)
271
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,721
Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!
272
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,004
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...
273
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,208
Can you roll down
the window?
Okay. Okay, okay.
274
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,491
Hey. Hey,
babe, listen.
Hi.
275
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,048
There is a emergency
PTA meeting today
at 5:00.
276
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,202
It should be about two to three hours.
277
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,011
Awesome. Awesome.
Okay?
278
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,603
Your dog's
wearing a helmet.
Okay, I know.
279
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,091
Yes, it's... Thank you.
280
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,606
Okay.
281
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,761
Fuck!
282
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,041
Your dog has vertigo.
That can't be a thing.
283
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,091
And you are gonna
have to carry him
until he gets home.
284
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,561
Are you shitting me right now?
285
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,687
I don't shit.
286
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,445
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.
287
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,126
(WHINING)
288
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,530
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.
289
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,085
You missed the meeting, bro.
290
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,520
Oh, no.
291
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,845
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
292
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,201
(INDISTINCT)
293
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,411
(PANTING)
294
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,086
(GASPS)
295
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,321
(TIRES SCREECH)
296
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,369
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
297
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,601
Get in, get in, get in.
298
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,129
I can't believe
I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.
299
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,168
Baby, I'm doing the best that I can.
300
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,890
Yeah, that's what makes it even sadder.
301
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,361
Oh, God.
302
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,171
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, honey.
How was your day?
303
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,770
I swallowed a pen cap again.
304
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,281
Oh, God.
305
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,607
DYLAN: Ooh!
306
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,241
Crap.
307
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,560
Was that a hit-and-run?
308
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,961
Nope.
309
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,840
Nope.
That was nothing.
310
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,569
Jane, go!
Go, go, go, go!
311
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,205
Excuse me, Coach?
312
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,006
I'm so sorry that
Jane is late.
It is all my fault.
313
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,768
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?
314
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,763
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...
315
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,285
Ah! (GRUNTS)
316
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,966
Shit.
317
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,481
(GROANS)
318
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,010
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
319
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,691
Hey...
320
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,122
Hi, guys! Guys, um...
321
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,811
For those of you who have
been living under a rock...
(CHUCKLES)
322
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,882
I am Gwendolyn James.
323
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,731
I am the president of the PTA,
324
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,400
but most importantly,
325
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,727
I am the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,
326
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,404
Blaire and Gandhi.
327
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,882
Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting
328
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,249
to address an issue
that radically affects
the safety of our children.
329
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,927
The bake sale.
330
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,810
Is this a joke?
331
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,121
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients
332
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,601
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.
333
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,849
No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.
334
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,491
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts
335
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,006
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.
336
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,081
Okay?
337
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,003
Sorry, what ingredients can we use?
338
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,809
Anyway,
I will be putting together...
Thank you.
339
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,929
...a special bake
sale police force
340
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,166
that will monitor the food.
That will destroy
any offensive treats
341
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,445
and prosecute the wrongdoers.
342
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,601
Yes.
343
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,331
So who will be my first volunteer
344
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,561
for the bake sale police force?
345
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,725
I think we're gonna have Amy Mitchell!
346
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,201
What?
347
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,044
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.
348
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,041
No.
349
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,121
(ALL GASP)
350
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,681
(CHUCKLES)
351
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,926
What's that now?
352
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,688
I've had a really long day.
353
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,009
I have been bruised and burned,
354
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,520
knocked unconscious.
355
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,206
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer
356
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,046
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap
357
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,768
and my poor dog has vertigo.
358
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,923
I mean, who knew that
that was even
a real thing, you guys?
359
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,689
God, I'm drowning at work
360
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,127
and my boss is a fucking moron
361
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,641
and... (CHUCKLES)
362
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,209
Three hours ago I may or may not
363
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,248
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.
364
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,560
(GASPING)
365
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,325
I can't do this anymore.
366
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,400
I'm sorry.
367
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,080
I'm done.
368
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,810
I quit.
369
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,769
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
370
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,603
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
371
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,487
Hey, what can
I get ya?
Oh, Scotch.
372
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,081
Oh, hey, I know you.
373
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,451
You're that chick
that always picks up
my kid from school
374
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,488
when I forget/don't want to.
375
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,043
Amy Mitchell.
Yeah, Carla.
Carla Dunkler.
376
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,770
Jesus, you look like a bag of dicks.
377
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,968
(CHUCKLES) Thanks.
Hi.
378
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,964
I'm really sorry
to interrupt, but, um,
I just have to tell you,
379
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,044
what you did back there was amazing.
380
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,288
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
381
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,646
It's Kiki, right?
382
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,841
Yes.
383
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,567
She knows my name.
384
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:58,721
(STUTTERS)
385
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,484
I feel like Beyonc Knowles.
386
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,971
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?
387
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,890
What do you mean "us"?
Honey, I was just
sitting here by myself.
388
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,161
I would love to, but I can't.
389
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,366
I have to go to the grocery store
390
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,727
and then I have to go home
and clean out my
son's hamster cage,
391
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,171
'cause he gets so mad when I forget.
392
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,242
Have a drink, Kiki.
Okay, yeah.
393
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,209
Okay.
Yes, I'd like
an apple juice.
394
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,770
Why don't you have this instead?
395
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,851
Excuse me?
(LAUGHING)
396
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,845
Oh, do you know
what my favorite
mom fantasy is?
397
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,046
What?
Uh-oh.
398
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,205
Having a quiet breakfast by myself.
399
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,248
Oh! That is so hot!
Oh!
400
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,930
Sounds glorious.
Oh.
401
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,086
(SIGHS) Sometimes
when I'm driving
all by myself,
402
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,929
I have this fantasy
that I get into
a car crash.
403
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,329
Not a big one with
fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.
404
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,640
But I do get injured
405
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,451
and I get to go
to the hospital
for two weeks
406
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,605
and I sleep all day
and I eat Jell-O
and I watch so much TV
407
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,603
and it's all covered by my insurance.
408
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,889
My kids bring me balloons,
and the nurses rub
cream on my feet,
409
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,201
and oh, my God, it's so amazing.
410
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,921
(SIGHS)
411
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,284
Is that like
something you guys
fantasize about, too?
412
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,886
No.
No.
413
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,803
You're bat-shit
crazy.
Yeah.
414
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,522
And I'm never
gonna get into
a car with you.
415
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,484
Is it fun being a single mom?
416
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,086
Yes!
417
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,324
I go to the casino.
Yeah.
418
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,007
You know, I'm learning karate now.
419
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,330
Plus, I have, like,
a stable of hot
dudes to call right up
420
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,010
whenever I want some D in my V.
421
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,810
I wanna be a single mom.
No, it's fuckin'
awesome.
422
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,207
Bottom line is,
423
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,442
I have to live
my life one quarter
mile at a time.
424
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,287
Is that from... Yeah.
The Fast and Furious.
425
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,924
I fucked Vin Diesel
when he was in
town doing Furious 6.
426
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,923
You fucked Vin Diesel?
Yeah.
427
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,206
Vincent Diesel?
428
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,490
It might not have
been actually
Vin Diesel,
429
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,528
but I definitely fucked a bald guy.
430
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,165
Salud.
Salud.
431
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,446
Yep.
To Vincent Diesel.
432
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,567
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
433
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,842
Kiki, get your
shit together.
Oh, my God.
434
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,844
Do you know what I hate?
Mmm?
435
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,922
There are so many fuckin' rules now.
436
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,081
Yes, God.
437
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,771
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."
438
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,888
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."
439
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,371
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."
440
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,051
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."
441
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,122
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?
442
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,925
We're killing ourselves,
trying to be perfect,
and it's making us insane.
443
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,249
In this day and age,
it's impossible
to be a good mom.
444
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,321
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
445
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,050
Screw it.
Yeah.
446
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,321
Let's be bad moms.
447
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,130
Oh, I'm in.
Right?
448
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,726
Oh, my gosh, okay.
This is exciting.
I'm in!
449
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,088
Yes! To bad moms.
Whoo!
To bad moms!
450
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,527
Aw.
451
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,005
I love you guys.
Mmm.
452
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,491
Oh, dude.
We love you, Kiki.
453
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,130
We just met, Kiki.
Forever.
454
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,129
I love you forever.
I'm not into
this kind of...
455
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,481
Oh, gosh, honey,
we gotta go get
you home.
456
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,766
We gotta go.
Yeah, let's go.
457
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,962
We gotta go.
No, I can't. I have to
go to the supermarket.
458
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,561
(KIKI SIGHS)
459
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,165
Let's go to the supermarket!
460
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,441
(INAUDIBLE)
461
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,966
(ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God.
462
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,721
You're so cute.
KIKI: Adorable.
463
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,445
Oh, I wanna eat her face.
464
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,567
Hi, bunny.
465
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,687
All right, let's go!
466
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,681
Where is she?
467
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,521
(GROANING)
468
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,731
Oh, it's so bright, you guys.
469
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,961
Are you okay?
470
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,485
Yeah, I'm awesome.
471
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,045
What did you do last night?
472
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,400
Nothin'.
473
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,281
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.
474
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,041
(AMY GASPS)
475
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,169
Oh, my God.
I made nachos
last night!
476
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,921
Oh.
477
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,600
Amazing.
478
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,447
Mmm.
479
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,522
The cheese is so hard.
480
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:24,881
(GRUNTING)
481
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,321
Um...
482
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,562
Aren't you gonna make us breakfast?
483
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,721
Oh.
484
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,847
No.
485
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,761
But what are we gonna eat?
486
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,571
You guys are really smart.
487
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,330
You can make your own breakfast.
488
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,084
I'm just gonna take these to go.
489
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,360
Peace!
490
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,085
All right, get in the car.
491
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,484
You know what?
On second thought,
492
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,250
let's take your
daddy's special car today.
493
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,129
Won't Dad be mad?
Yeah.
494
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,440
Probably.
495
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,281
(ENGINE REVVING)
496
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:14,690
(TIRES SCREECHING)
497
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,001
(INAUDIBLE)
498
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,646
Whoo!
499
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,571
That was so awesome!
500
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:40,926
All right.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
501
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,720
What is she driving?
502
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,485
Have a great day at school!
503
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,610
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!
504
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,401
(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.
You're the best mom ever!
505
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,925
Aw, I love you, guys!
506
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,245
Is that Arby's?
507
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,243
I love their hot fish sandwich.
508
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,322
Hey, Amy. Hi.
509
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,885
Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today
510
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,082
to discuss the
upcoming election
at 2:00.
511
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,286
Will we see you there?
512
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,566
No.
513
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,001
Oh.
514
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,128
That bitch is playing a dangerous game.
515
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,841
Amy plays football?
516
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,561
Oh, my God.
517
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,770
Oh, thank you.
518
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,527
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Amazing!
519
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,966
Oh, this is Amy.
520
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,691
Amy, where are you?
The morning huddle
started an hour ago.
521
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,527
Oh, yeah,
Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.
522
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,764
(SNICKERING)
Are you feeling okay, Amy?
523
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,683
Are you having a senior moment?
524
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,690
I've actually never felt better.
525
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,367
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper
526
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,727
for the first time in 12 years.
527
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,726
You need to come into
the office right now!
528
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,521
No, I don't. I don't, Dale.
I only work for you
three days a week.
529
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,208
If you want me to work more,
then you should
pay me to do that.
530
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,810
Okay, Amy, you're
kind of making
me look like a dick
531
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,370
in front of everybody
in the office right now.
532
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,807
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.
533
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:10,801
(SIGHS)
534
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,609
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
535
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,402
Hello?
Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.
536
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,481
Hi!
537
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,324
Um, I was actually calling to see,
538
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,243
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.
539
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,924
Are we allowed to do that?
540
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,004
Well, I don't see why not.
541
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,090
I can't.
I mean, I have to
iron Kent's underwear.
542
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,561
What? Why?
543
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,928
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.
544
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,202
Come on, Kiki, live a little.
545
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:51,361
(CRYING)
546
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,286
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.
547
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,762
(CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.
548
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,082
Oh, fun! I like her.
549
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,611
I'm also very scared of her.
550
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,601
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
551
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,649
Ow! Ow!
552
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,930
CARLA: Yo!
Hey, it's Amy.
553
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,445
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join
554
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:10,965
Kiki and I at the movies this afternoon.
555
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,201
I'm already here.
556
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,281
Hey, lady.
557
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,009
Get off your phone.
Guess what?
558
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,445
She dies in the end.
559
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,126
Yeah, cancer gets her.
560
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,481
What?
561
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,848
Yeah, what do you bitches wanna see?
562
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,161
(SLURPING)
563
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,770
Love is stronger
564
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,640
than space.
565
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,127
You guys, lady boners over here.
566
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,241
(LAUGHS)
567
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,411
(GASPING AND CHEERING)
568
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,648
Cheers, ladies.
Mmm.
569
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,961
Mmm.
570
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,041
This has been so much fun.
571
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,525
Thank you, girls, for coming out with me.
572
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,641
Are you kidding me?
573
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,929
This has literally been
the best day of
my entire life.
574
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,206
Oh, honey.
575
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,164
My ex is picking
up the kid, so I can
go all night if...
576
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,209
Oh, hey, did you hear that?
577
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,691
My ex has my kid.
578
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,650
AMY: Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.
579
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,930
Is it hard to share
your son with
your ex-husband?
580
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,606
(LAUGHS) Fuck no.
No?
581
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,967
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall
582
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,724
and all he cares about is baseball.
583
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,404
Do you go to all of his games?
584
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,482
No. No, I don't.
(AMY LAUGHS)
585
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,524
The last game
I went to was
six hours long
586
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,443
and the final score was one to two.
587
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,520
So, I'd rather go to
Afghanistan than another
kids' baseball game.
588
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,601
Cheers.
589
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,886
How do you think
that your divorce
affected your kid?
590
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,168
How are things in your home, Amy?
591
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,203
Oh, it's fine.
(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.
592
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,801
Ugh.
593
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,209
I caught Mike
having an affair online
with a woman,
594
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,886
and I guess
it's been going on
for like 10 months.
595
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,486
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?
596
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:55,886
(LAUGHING)
597
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,890
No. Here's the truth.
598
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,121
Our marriage has been over for years.
599
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,046
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.
600
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,168
Kent and I have sex
every Friday night
after Blue Bloods.
601
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:09,841
(LAUGHS)
602
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,647
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.
603
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,047
I feel like everything that
comes out of your
mouth is a cry for help.
604
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,324
(CHUCKLES)
Kiki, you're so weird.
605
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,526
CARLA: No, wait,
606
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,921
why did you
marry this shithead
in the first place?
607
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,126
He sounds like an asshole.
608
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,804
Because we were young and in love.
609
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,326
I mean, he wasn't
always an asshole.
I promise you.
610
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,123
It's true.
Listen, I got pregnant,
we got married.
611
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,645
I was only 20.
612
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,125
You know what?
Mike and I never
got our twenties.
613
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,601
Like, you know, the fun twenties, and...
614
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,886
I feel like maybe he missed that.
615
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:42,961
Oh, my God.
616
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,885
Maybe I did, too.
617
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,531
When I was in my
twenties, I would just
walk down the street
618
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,763
and it would just
be raining dicks
wherever I went.
619
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,046
It was just dick, dick, dick, dick,
620
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,281
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
621
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,170
It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!
622
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:57,844
(INDISTINCT)
623
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:58,967
Kiki?
624
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,282
Hi. Kent, hi.
625
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,726
What are you doing here?
626
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,246
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.
627
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,448
Who's watching the kids?
Rosie.
628
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,045
Isn't that your job?
629
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,965
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?
630
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,321
Yes. Yes, Kent.
631
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:17,007
It absolutely is my job,
and I was just
about to leave, so,
632
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,487
um, thank you guys so much.
633
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,409
I can't, uh, do the math right now.
634
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,370
Just take that
and have a wonderful
day, you guys.
635
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,680
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.
636
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:26,807
Oh, my...
637
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,962
Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!
638
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,771
That's really disturbing.
639
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,921
Yes!
640
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,123
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,
641
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,009
so I think I'm gonna get fucked up!
642
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,283
(GROANS)
643
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,605
Yeah, donut holes!
644
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,125
I love these things.
How much are they?
645
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,366
Um...
646
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,921
Five cents.
647
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,923
How about a dollar?
648
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,684
(GASPS) What?
649
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,649
Hey now, big spender.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
650
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,207
Thank you.
651
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:19,966
Mmm.
652
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,601
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.
653
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,920
Is that what it is?
Mmm-hmm.
654
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,687
They're tasty.
655
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,609
She's adorable.
Thank you.
656
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,721
Mmm-hmm.
657
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,281
Good to see you.
658
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,124
Bye. Bye.
659
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,606
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?
660
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,251
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?
661
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,211
What? No.
662
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,009
Gosh, no, I made them by hand
663
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,084
and then I put them
in the weird
plastic container.
664
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,844
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not
665
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,445
allow store-bought
holes.
666
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,562
Seriously, Vicky?
AMY: Oh,
come on, Gwendolyn.
667
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,165
Who cares what food people bring
668
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,890
as long as it raises money, right?
669
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,122
Oh, did she just...
Oh.
She did.
670
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,885
Hit her with it, G.
671
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,571
Well, you see, I care, sweetie.
672
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,881
I don't... I don't know
what's been going on
with you,
673
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,486
I mean, with your weird outbursts
674
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,086
and your terrible style,
675
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,844
but it ends now.
676
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,128
Okay? I run this school,
677
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:17,000
and no one takes a class or kicks a ball
678
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,607
or plays a fuckin'
clarinet without
my say-so.
679
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,967
And I can make life a living hell for you
680
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:26,849
and your dirty little children.
681
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:28,805
Do you understand me?
682
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,362
Wow, Gwendolyn,
I genuinely think you should
just relax a little bit,
683
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,647
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.
684
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,882
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.
685
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,641
You have crossed the line, little girl.
686
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,609
And I am going to destroy you.
687
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,610
Winter is coming.
688
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,041
(CHUCKLES)
689
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,167
Gwendolyn.
690
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,846
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.
691
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,487
What...
692
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,530
Bye.
Bye.
693
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,451
Out of my way!
694
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,400
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.
695
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,449
You psyched for Mandarin class?
696
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:06,726
No!
No.
697
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,609
Mandarin class is so stressful.
698
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,887
Everyone just barfs the whole time.
699
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,803
Did you say "barfs"?
Yeah.
700
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,845
Oh, my God.
701
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,166
Wha...
702
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,683
Why are we doing this?
703
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,485
What are you doing?
Mandarin class
is back that way!
704
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:25,561
I know.
705
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,490
But we're gonna play hooky today.
706
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,730
JANE: We cannot
afford this place.
707
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,450
AMY: Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
708
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,767
Shh. Get in here,
you idiots.
We totally snuck in.
709
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,002
I know! Shh.
I can't believe
you have a real job.
710
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,243
You're a lucky girl, Becky.
I would never do
this for my kid.
711
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,010
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.
712
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,168
Also, my name's Jane.
713
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,361
Okay.
714
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,283
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.
715
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,885
Bye, Becky! Shh.
Okay, thanks, Carla.
716
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,081
This place is fancy.
Gosh.
717
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,330
Oh, look.
Free soap.
718
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,640
No, honey, don't take that.
719
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,563
(GASPS) Oh, no,
that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.
720
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,770
This is what the tub
looks like after your
brother takes a bath.
721
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:12,841
(BOTH LAUGHING)
722
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,284
You look like
Kung Fu Panda.
(LAUGHS)
723
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,641
(SIGHS)
724
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,400
This is amazing.
725
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:20,646
Mmm-hmm.
726
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,209
We should get
matching tattoos
after this.
727
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:24,561
(LAUGHS)
728
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,048
I'm really glad we did this, Mom.
729
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,885
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.
730
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,484
God, you needed
a break from school
and soccer and...
731
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,044
(GRUNTS)
This whole Dad thing.
732
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:38,720
What whole Dad thing?
733
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,443
Nothing. Nothing!
734
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,729
(GASPS) Does Dad have a brain tumor?
735
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,167
What? No!
No, no, no, no.
736
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,049
God, no. Um...
737
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,287
Your dad and I
are going through
a rough patch right now.
738
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,445
Are you guys gonna get divorced?
739
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:56,851
What? No, no, no.
740
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:01,130
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.
741
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,287
I just want you to know
that no matter
what happens,
742
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,287
it's not your fault.
743
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,529
Why would it be my fault?
744
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,170
Why would you even say that?
745
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,241
I don't know!
746
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,250
Oh, my God, baby,
I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!
747
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,448
I just don't wanna be weird, okay?
748
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,040
Baby, please don't cry.
Please...
No, no, no, no, no.
749
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,447
Honey, I need you
to look at me,
just look at me, okay?
750
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,765
Baby, baby...
751
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,081
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.
752
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,090
That I love you.
753
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,246
And I promise you, you will be fine.
754
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:36,601
(SOBS)
755
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,526
How do you know?
756
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,011
Because I'm your mom,
757
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,651
and I know you better than anyone,
758
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,722
and I know what you're made of.
759
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,730
Oh, honey.
760
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,245
I love you.
761
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,450
I love you, too.
762
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,411
Hey, Coach?
763
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,481
Coach!
764
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,406
Fuck!
765
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,010
Hi, Gwendolyn.
Hi, how are you?
766
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:08,771
Listen, um, I wanna talk to you about
767
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,769
the starting lineup
of next week's game.
Mmm-hmm.
768
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,491
In particular,
Amy Mitchell's
daughter, Jane.
769
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,921
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.
770
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,243
And you know that I chair the hiring
771
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,163
and firing committee, right?
772
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,608
So let's stop dicking
around and let's
get to the fucking point.
773
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,849
Please don't get me fired, Gwendolyn.
774
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,324
My cat just died.
Oh.
775
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,051
And I'm really very fragile right now.
776
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,365
Bench the little dork.
777
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,440
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.
778
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,964
I need this. This is my time.
Do you know what I mean?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
779
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:40,567
(SNAPS FINGERS)
780
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:41,681
(EXHALES)
781
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:45,005
Go for Carla.
Hey, it's Amy,
782
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,327
I just found out
Mike is staying with
his Internet girlfriend.
783
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,966
Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.
784
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:52,121
I wanna get laid.
785
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,201
I'm on my way.
786
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,811
I'm so excited.
787
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,484
CARLA: Honey,
I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?
788
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,561
It's like a nun's closet.
789
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,524
(GASPS) No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.
790
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,244
Let's see this!
791
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,569
It's my favorite.
792
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,881
I love it.
793
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,322
No! No! Are you
trying to get laid
or adopted?
794
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:14,563
Oh.
Fair point.
795
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,641
Ooh.
796
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:17,001
Okay.
797
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,324
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.
798
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,289
Fuck, you guys,
I literally have
nothing, then.
799
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,203
I have mom clothes, I have work clothes.
800
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,886
Okay, you know,
let me get in there
one more time.
801
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:29,689
I'm gonna find it.
Move. Move. Move, move,
get me in here.
802
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,683
I have jackets,
I have lots of 'em.
We'll find it.
803
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,211
We'll find
something, honey.
Don't get discouraged.
804
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,361
AMY: Okay. Okay.
You can do this.
805
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,010
I mean, Jesus Christ!
806
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,811
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.
807
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,769
I love that movie.
(GASPS)
808
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,046
Me too.
Okay.
809
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,167
KIKI:
It's such a good film.
810
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:45,004
Wait a minute, I see a spaghetti strap.
811
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,721
No, hold on. This was,
like, my slutty Halloween
costume from college.
812
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,370
I like the word "slutty."
Put it on.
813
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,851
Just try it.
Try it.
814
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,446
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...
815
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,211
Holy fuck!
Look at your mom bra!
Ooh.
816
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,687
There's so much surface area.
817
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,889
You can make
three regular bras
out of this one mom bra.
818
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,770
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.
819
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,525
(LAUGHS) Shut up!
820
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,125
Don't laugh.
Wait, are you serious?
821
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,440
Yes!
822
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,931
Oh, honey.
Amy.
823
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,168
Oh!
That looks like you
just got out of surgery.
824
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,446
Is it that bad?
825
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,171
Yeah, there's just
one boob-log.
Yeah.
826
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,810
You don't even have two tits.
827
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,168
I have this in black.
Do you guys wanna
see it in black?
828
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,441
No!
No!
829
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,843
Oh, wow.
This bra will be
the death of your vagina.
830
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,650
(ALL LAUGHING)
831
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,121
Oh!
832
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,281
AMY: Oh, my gosh.
833
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,842
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.
834
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:37,967
Oh, honey!
835
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,327
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?
836
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,851
Kent is a never-hard.
837
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,610
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?
838
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,523
Oh, he never gets fully hard.
839
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,248
So I just have to
kind of fold his penis up
like a balloon animal
840
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,163
and shove it up in my vagina.
841
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,528
That sounds horrible!
AMY: Yeah.
842
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,046
Sometimes I take the
balls and shove 'em
up there, too,
843
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,361
because at least, you know, they're firm.
844
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,603
Honey, that is
a lot of shit to
shove up your cooter.
845
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,682
I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.
846
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,320
(GASPS) What if I get
somebody who's
not circumcised?
847
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,209
Run out of the room screaming.
848
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,884
It's like finding a gun in the street.
849
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,724
Just scream and get outta there!
850
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:15,007
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.
851
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,081
Really?
852
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,491
Oh, they're always so nice to you,
853
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,005
because they know their dicks are gross.
854
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,206
How do I handle it?
855
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,520
What, do I
just touch it?
Oh, I'll show you. Here.
856
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,443
Let me just,
Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
Uh-uh. What?
857
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,286
Just imagine for a second
that this is the hood
of the uncut cock
858
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,801
and then this is
the penis face. Okay?
Mmm-hmm.
859
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,121
So, what you would do is very gently,
860
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,524
you would just kind
of try to peel it back
861
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,805
over like that to
expose the head
of the cock.
862
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,281
Okay.
And then you
would just gently,
863
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,725
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just
wanna kind of,
864
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,001
like it gets a little tight,
865
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,525
and you gotta kind of work it,
866
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,204
you know, you gotta work it off.
867
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,681
And then you just
go to town like
it's a, you know...
868
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,729
(GRUNTS) You know, you jerk it off
869
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:53,926
till you wanna sit on it.
870
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,371
Okay?
What do I
do with this?
871
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,607
What?
Like, do I put it in
a hair clip or do I just...
872
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,284
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,
873
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,486
this you can flick it, suck it,
874
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:01,607
you know, rub your face on it.
875
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:03,444
I don't wanna do that.
I don't wanna
rub my face on it.
876
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,528
Okay, well, take care
of this, though.
Okay.
877
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,570
'Cause this is
like a big,
giant man clit.
878
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,641
This, right here.
879
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,802
If you work this, it's gonna be like...
880
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:12,881
(GRUNTS)
881
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,001
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)
882
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,325
Does that
make sense, honey?
Yeah, it's great.
883
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,481
Okay. Sure, sure, sure.
Thank you, honey.
884
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,722
I'm not gonna
wear this sweatshirt
ever again.
885
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,607
CARLA: Okay, okay,
all right. Let's get
right down to it.
886
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:07,967
What kind of guy are you into, honey?
887
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,449
(GASPS) You know what?
I've never been
with a Latin man.
888
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,290
If I were you, I would start with maybe
889
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,727
like just kind of fat and Jewish,
890
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,962
and then work
yourself into
the Latin guy.
891
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,451
Excuse me.
Okay.
892
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,086
Hi, there.
Hi!
893
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,161
Is this seat taken?
894
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,125
Um, yes.
895
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,931
I mean, yes, no,
like yes, sit, please. Yeah.
896
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,044
What do I do?
Ask him about his hobbies.
897
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,281
Hi.
Hi.
898
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,806
Um, I'm Amy.
Braden.
899
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,211
Braden, nice to meet you, Braden.
900
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,328
Nice to meet you.
I like your
wedding ring.
901
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,487
Shit!
902
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,568
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
903
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,371
(STUTTERING) Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.
904
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,011
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping
905
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,526
and I found it on
the floor, and I
picked it up and...
906
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,160
And then I put it on.
907
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:52,450
I'm gonna
sit somewhere else.
Okay.
908
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,482
Ooh, maybe next time,
try it without
your wedding ring.
909
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,085
Oh, that's
a great idea!
Yeah?
910
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,685
Yes.
Hey, ladies.
911
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,762
Hi!
Where are you
comin' in from?
912
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,764
Uh, we live in Westbury with our kids.
913
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,524
Great. Oh.
914
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,444
Oh, forget it.
I'm really nervous,
you guys.
915
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,760
You're doing great.
I know, I know. There is...
916
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,841
You're doing great.
917
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,007
Look it, there is so much cock in here...
918
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:13,286
Yeah.
...that if you
literally...
919
00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,682
Just try to act
half-normal and
you are gonna get laid.
920
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,928
Just don't be
such a mom.
Okay.
921
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,365
You should eat more soup.
922
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,169
Oh, I loved breastfeeding
until my nipples
started cracking.
923
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,286
This should prevent
the stain from setting,
okay?
924
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,043
Tupperware! Pinterest!
925
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:32,889
Explosive diarrhea!
926
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,331
Does your mom know you're here?
927
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,288
See, it wasn't just
about a dolphin
getting a new tail.
928
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,567
It was about a family coming together.
929
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,841
What did I say?
930
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,967
(LAUGHS)
931
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,201
Hey! Where are you going?
932
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,041
Oh, my God, you guys.
933
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,202
How'd it go?
Oh, horrible.
934
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,646
What's the matter, hon?
What happened?
935
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,405
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.
936
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,481
Oh!
937
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,210
I really do.
Amy!
938
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,281
Mmm.
939
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,488
Jessie!
What are you guys
doing here?
940
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,609
We're just, you know,
having a little
girls' night.
941
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,684
Cool, so the husband's
at home with the kids?
That's nice.
942
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,131
Oh, mmm...
943
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,161
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.
944
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,641
Yeah, yeah,
she caught him jerking off
with a dairy farmer.
945
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,205
He's a sex criminal.
946
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,284
(CHUCKLES) I don't know
where to start.
Are you okay?
947
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,601
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.
948
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,206
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.
949
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,845
Yeah, me too.
950
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:28,921
Me too.
951
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,730
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.
952
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,524
Let's go, creepy.
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
953
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,721
Okay.
954
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,081
Have fun.
955
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,128
You are so hard.
956
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,884
Really, he's got a hard body.
957
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,201
Thank you. I think.
958
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,851
I cannot believe
Amy is talking to
Jessie Harkness.
959
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,604
I have dreams about him braiding my hair.
960
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,767
Okay, can you not stand so close to me?
961
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:49,967
Because I'm still trying to get laid.
962
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,445
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
Okay.
963
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:52,971
And don't dance walk.
964
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,807
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?
965
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,441
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?
966
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,284
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.
967
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,041
Wait. You asked
about me?
Yeah.
968
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,201
Yeah, I...
969
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,560
Okay, I've kind of
always had a thing
for you and...
970
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:16,683
What?
I thought you knew that.
971
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,650
No! I had no idea.
No? You had no idea?
972
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,240
Oh, come on.
You're like my favorite
mom at the school.
973
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:23,970
I mean, I honestly
don't know
how you do it.
974
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,884
You take your kids
to all those activities,
975
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,405
and you do all those insane projects.
976
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,086
I saw your Richard
Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.
977
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,970
Well, you know what?
I do have a little
thing for papier-mch.
978
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:34,644
It was really good.
Thank you.
979
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,569
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?
980
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:37,971
You know, my daughter's always saying,
981
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,405
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"
982
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,050
Oh, my God, I love your daughter.
983
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,764
You're making me
look bad.
Oh, my God.
984
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,605
Oh, this makes me
so happy. (CHUCKLES)
985
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,842
You know what's just
really amazing, though,
986
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,127
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.
987
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,601
Meh, eh...
No, no, I'm serious!
988
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,844
Anyone could force
their kids to play cello
or speak Chinese
989
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,281
or, you know,
go to a fancy college,
or something like that,
990
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,722
but what's really hard is raising kids
991
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,404
who are actually decent and kind
992
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,051
and somehow you've done that.
993
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,607
And you should be really proud.
994
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,330
You're a fuckin' great mom.
995
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,403
(GROANS) Oh, oh...
996
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,042
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.
I'm so sorry.
997
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,128
It's fine.
Don't worry about it.
And I'm so embarrassed.
998
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,364
You kind of nailed my
face, but we should
probably do it again.
999
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,608
Are you sure?
Just no sudden
movements.
1000
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,211
Just nice and slow.
1001
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,049
Carla. Carla!
What, hon?
1002
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,127
Carla, look, look, look, look!
1003
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,201
CARLA: No, Kiki.
1004
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,885
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.
1005
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,803
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
1006
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,401
(CHUCKLES)
1007
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,011
Mike!
Hey, babe!
1008
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,845
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.
1009
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:23,083
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.
1010
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,362
And I feel like
we should just
put that in the past
1011
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,771
and not talk about it.
1012
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,647
Wait, what are you talking about?
1013
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:34,451
Look, I...
1014
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,845
I just needed a break.
1015
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,530
Haven't you ever needed a break?
1016
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,042
Of course I have, Mike.
1017
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,407
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.
1018
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,601
(SIGHS)
1019
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,761
I miss the kids.
1020
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:48,721
So much.
1021
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,371
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.
1022
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,886
And the dog, God, I miss Roscoe so much.
1023
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,724
How is he doing?
He's fine.
1024
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,565
Thank God.
The bottom line is,
1025
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,405
I will do whatever
it takes to keep
this family together.
1026
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,401
Really?
1027
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,891
You'll finally go to therapy with me?
1028
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,884
I knew you were
gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!
1029
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,485
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.
1030
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,561
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!
1031
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,449
Bye-bye, Mike.
Honestly!
1032
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,681
All right, you know what?
1033
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,650
Even though it's a total
waste of time and money,
I will go to therapy.
1034
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:22,004
But when I say go,
I mean, like actually go,
like participate, cry.
1035
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,566
I haven't cried
since the Cubbies
lost it all in '03.
1036
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:25,766
How do you expect me...
Mike, you know what?
1037
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,842
Have fun with your little
weirdo girlfriend
on the Internet.
1038
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,491
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?
1039
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,681
I'll think about it.
1040
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:45,001
Hey.
1041
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:47,881
(CRYING)
1042
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,205
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?
1043
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,443
Coach says
I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.
1044
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,727
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.
1045
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,450
You're the best forward on that team.
1046
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,682
Oh, my God, my life
is ruined. I'm never
going to college.
1047
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:03,762
I might as well just become a teacher.
1048
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,689
Baby, baby, look at me for one second.
1049
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,201
You'll be okay.
I promise you
I'm gonna handle this.
1050
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,971
Okay?
Okay.
1051
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,121
Okay.
1052
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,440
Just please don't make a scene.
1053
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,047
Honey, I would never embarrass you.
1054
00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,280
(GRUNTS)
1055
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,085
Gwendolyn made me do it!
1056
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,201
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
1057
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,408
What is it with you moms?
1058
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,960
I am a middle school soccer coach.
1059
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,565
All I wanna do
1060
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:32,651
is make enough
money to feed my cats
and fill my fuckin' Prius.
1061
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:35,007
Grow some balls! Jesus!
1062
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,841
Hey!
1063
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:39,726
How dare you bench my daughter?
1064
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,609
Oh, hi, Amy.
1065
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,489
You have no right to do that.
1066
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,485
Oh, actually, I do,
1067
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,450
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity
1068
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,842
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...
1069
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,126
Oh... Okay.
1070
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:56,641
Uh...
1071
00:47:57,680 --> 00:47:58,966
Well, um...
1072
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:02,161
Not for long.
1073
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,607
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?
1074
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,286
That means
I'm gonna run against you
for PTA president.
1075
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:09,010
Oh. (LAUGHS)
1076
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:13,681
(WHISPERING) Amy's husband
just recently left her,
1077
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,285
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.
1078
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,249
Oh, that's so sad.
1079
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:20,881
Ooh.
1080
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,523
You're goin' down.
1081
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:27,681
GWENDOLYN: No, honey,
1082
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,368
the only thing going down
is your husband
on another woman.
1083
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:32,960
Well, damn.
1084
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,409
KIKI: This is
a terrible idea, Amy.
1085
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:39,569
There's no way you can beat her.
1086
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,371
Gwendolyn has been
president of the PTA
for the last six years.
1087
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,724
Kiki, she messed
with my kid. I can't
let that stand. Come on!
1088
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,044
KIKI: Right, but all
the different mom groups
1089
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,167
are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.
1090
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,250
She's got
the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,
1091
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:54,401
the sad moms.
1092
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,403
She has the blogging moms.
1093
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,641
She's got the CrossFit moms.
1094
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:58,721
Camel toe moms.
1095
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,400
She's got the drunk moms.
1096
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:01,720
The moms that you wanna fuck.
1097
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,325
The moms that used to be dads.
1098
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,727
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.
1099
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,121
The hairy moms.
The wearable art moms.
1100
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,725
The juicing moms.
Mmm-hmm.
1101
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:12,002
She has the moms with the huge areolas.
1102
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,527
The black moms,
the lesbian moms,
the divorced moms.
1103
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,041
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.
1104
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,770
That is a really hard group to get.
1105
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,171
I love those girls.
1106
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,484
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.
1107
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,683
She'll put your kids
in all the dumb classes
with all the dum-dums.
1108
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:30,006
She'll give 'em the crappy teachers.
1109
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,771
You can forget about soccer,
she won't even
give your kids milk.
1110
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,447
But that's all the more
reason we have to
bring her down.
1111
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,488
I mean, you guys, she's a bully!
1112
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,450
Okay, she wants us all
to be these perfect little
Nazi-moms
1113
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,683
and our kids
to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.
1114
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:48,685
My daughter gets
a new rash every week,
and she's 12.
1115
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,046
You had me at Nazi.
1116
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,286
I say we go punch
that chick
right in the tits.
1117
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,600
Yes!
1118
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,200
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!
1119
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,561
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.
1120
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,047
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?
1121
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,491
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.
1122
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,881
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.
1123
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,001
PTA president.
1124
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,043
No! No, thank you!
Take it!
1125
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,043
Okay!
Great!
1126
00:50:15,560 --> 00:50:16,971
(LAUGHING)
1127
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,046
I'll fuck your
husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!
1128
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,241
Vote for Amy!
1129
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:22,401
Carla, get her!
1130
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,009
Hey! Hey!
1131
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,321
Don't you fuckin'
run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...
1132
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,686
Ah!
1133
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:32,481
(CHUCKLES)
1134
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,886
It's so cute.
1135
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,331
So, how many people
do you think are coming
1136
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,686
to the Meet the Candidate Night?
1137
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:40,489
Well, I told all the moms that I would
1138
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,847
bang their husbands
if they didn't
show up, so...
1139
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,082
AMY: (CHUCKLES) Carla.
A lot. My answer is a lot.
1140
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:46,606
Thank you, Kiki.
1141
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:50,688
Oh, Jesus, you guys, look at the kids.
1142
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,683
My daughter won't stop studying.
1143
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,761
CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.
1144
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,891
All my kid wants
to do with books
is rip 'em in half.
1145
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,048
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?
1146
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,887
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,
1147
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,804
is you don't know
whether or not
you're doing a good job
1148
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,211
until they're fully grown.
1149
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,123
And by that point, it's too late.
1150
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:12,163
(AMY SIGHS)
Your kid
is either a nice guy
1151
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:14,607
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.
1152
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:16,449
I don't think those
are the only two options.
1153
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:17,841
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
1154
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:18,961
(CHUCKLES)
1155
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,361
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box
1156
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,886
and he called me a dumb bitch.
1157
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,564
Oh, my God.
Okay.
1158
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,486
My kid still
watches Sesame Street
and he doesn't get it.
1159
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:31,925
(CHUCKLES)
1160
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,443
My daughter's scared of balloons.
1161
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,485
My kid eats butter like an entre.
1162
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,250
You gonna eat your butter?
1163
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:39,970
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.
1164
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,041
(KIKI SIGHS)
1165
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:42,884
My son failed study hall.
1166
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,803
Claire killed our neighbor's ferret.
1167
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:48,089
I mean, we all pretended
like it was an accident,
but it wasn't.
1168
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,491
She's a killer.
1169
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,005
(LAUGHING)
1170
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,481
Ugh.
1171
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,567
I know we make
fun of them, but fuck,
I love them so much.
1172
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:00,641
KIKI: Me too.
1173
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,321
I would literally die for them right now.
1174
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:04,965
Oh, you're making me cry.
(SNIFFLES)
1175
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,168
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,
1176
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,402
you guys, children are such a gift.
1177
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,045
Every time I think about that big,
1178
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,043
dumb motherfucker going off to college,
1179
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,531
I wanna cry like a baby.
1180
00:52:15,680 --> 00:52:16,920
(BLOWS NOSE)
1181
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,441
This sucks.
1182
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:27,931
I can't believe you're making me cook
1183
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,929
my own breakfast every single day.
1184
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:33,131
You're doing
awesome, buddy.
You really are.
1185
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,169
Hey, so where's my science project?
1186
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,125
Oh, I didn't do it.
1187
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,531
What? But it's due today.
1188
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,523
Yeah. Yeah.
That's so unfair!
1189
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,369
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.
1190
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,925
But you're gonna actually have to start
1191
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,490
doing your own homework from now on.
1192
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,648
I am a slow learner, remember?
1193
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:52,008
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.
1194
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,005
Honey, do you know what "entitled" means?
1195
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,808
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.
1196
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,129
It means that
Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,
1197
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:06,164
and now you think
the world owes
you something,
1198
00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:08,083
but it doesn't.
1199
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,322
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,
1200
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,688
then you're just gonna
grow up to be like
another entitled white dude
1201
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,127
who thinks he's awesome for no reason.
1202
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,168
And then you'll start a ska band,
1203
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,528
and it'll be awful,
and you'll be mean
to girls,
1204
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,207
and you'll grow
this ironic mustache
to look interesting,
1205
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,329
but you won't
actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.
1206
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:32,724
So will you please,
please, just do
your own homework?
1207
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,844
Fine. Jesus!
1208
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:37,001
Great.
1209
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:43,011
I love you.
1210
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,530
So where are your kids tonight?
1211
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,011
Oh, they're staying at a friend's house.
1212
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:51,884
I gave my kid $10 and a cell phone
1213
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,166
and I dropped him off at Arby's.
1214
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,765
He'll be fine for hours.
1215
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:56,647
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1216
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:57,767
CARLA: (GASPS)
Somebody's here.
1217
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,086
Amy for president!
AMY: Yes!
1218
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,322
Hi. Nice to meet you.
1219
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,609
Thank you so much for coming.
1220
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,644
I didn't want her to bang my husband.
1221
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,045
No, she was just kidding.
1222
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,241
Oh.
1223
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,970
(MOUTHING)
I wasn't kidding.
1224
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:16,961
Ugh.
1225
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,642
Come in, come in.
I'm sorry, nobody's
here yet.
1226
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,129
Yeah, well, I figured, what
with Gwendolyn's party
and everything. (CHUCKLES)
1227
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,328
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1228
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,803
Oh, nuts.
1229
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,241
You didn't know.
1230
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,086
Gwendolyn decided
to throw a competing
party at her house.
1231
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,640
And she has Martha Stewart.
1232
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,161
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?
1233
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:41,924
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,
1234
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,570
but I have to tell you, I just love you.
1235
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,086
I've always wanted to be you, actually.
1236
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,207
Yes.
Oh.
1237
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:48,931
Martha, sweetheart.
Hi, hi.
1238
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:52,083
Everything looks so beautiful.
1239
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:54,766
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?
1240
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,411
It's been nice
talking to you, Martha,
but I have things to do.
1241
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,601
Stop talking to her.
Okay.
1242
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,365
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?
1243
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,761
Eyes here so I know
you're hearing me.
PARTY GUESTS: Shh.
1244
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,491
Listen, the program
is gonna begin
in about five minutes,
1245
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,608
so take your assigned seats, okay?
1246
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,725
Right now. Do it right now.
1247
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:12,844
I can't believe Gwendolyn would do this.
1248
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:14,485
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
1249
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,324
You guys, what are we
gonna do with
all this shitty wine?
1250
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,762
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys
1251
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:24,326
about the advantages
of year-round school.
1252
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,961
We need to change our children's future
1253
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,523
by making them
go to school
365 days a year.
1254
00:55:34,000 --> 00:55:35,286
(ALL LAUGHING)
1255
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,646
Three, two, one, go!
1256
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:37,801
(GASPS) Catfish!
1257
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:38,881
Did she say it?
1258
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:39,961
Drink again!
Drink again,
drink again!
1259
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,485
Why am I the one that's always drinking?
1260
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,130
Because you said the clue word.
1261
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,406
KIKI: That's when
you say it.
1262
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:45,646
I don't understand this game.
1263
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,563
It's not a reading game!
(CARLA LAUGHING)
1264
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,727
Okay, go.
1265
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:50,484
Amy.
AMY: What?
1266
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:52,722
Emu!
No, Amy!
1267
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:53,921
(INDISTINCT)
1268
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,490
It said fuckin' "emu"!
1269
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,564
You're not good at this.
(LAUGHING)
1270
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,847
CARLA: Drink!
Drink again!
1271
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,927
I'm gonna take you back a little bit.
1272
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:05,006
Genghis Khan.
1273
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,969
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?
1274
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:09,005
I think not.
1275
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:10,844
Skip forward a little bit.
1276
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,490
Osama bin Laden.
1277
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,168
(CELL PHONES RINGING)
He didn't have
year-round school.
1278
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,409
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
There's nothing
more dangerous
1279
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:19,562
than summer vacation.
1280
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,484
GWENDOLYN:
Okay, ladies?
WOMAN: Yeah, let's go.
1281
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:24,490
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
1282
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,364
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.
1283
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,570
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1284
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:32,321
Ooh.
1285
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,680
Are you sure you
can't stay a little
bit longer?
1286
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,364
I've only got my sitter
until 9:00.
Oh.
1287
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,124
So I have to skedaddle right now.
1288
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:43,531
Okay. No, I understand.
I'm a mom.
1289
00:56:44,280 --> 00:56:45,361
I had such a great night.
Bye!
1290
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:46,441
WOMAN: We'll see you
over there.
1291
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,281
Well, that ended
a lot earlier
than I anticipated.
1292
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,361
Yeah.
1293
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,567
You don't think they're all going over
1294
00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:54,768
to Amy's party, do you?
(LAUGHS)
1295
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,446
Vicky, we had
Martha fuckin' Stewart
here tonight.
1296
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,010
Who does Amy have, hmm?
1297
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,450
I'll drive.
She could
have a point, yeah.
1298
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,324
(ALL CHEERING)
1299
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:07,405
This party is raging.
1300
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:08,606
What a turnout.
(GASPS)
1301
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:11,486
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?
1302
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,131
Is that...
Is that...
1303
00:57:14,240 --> 00:57:15,651
Martha Stewart?
1304
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,171
KIKI: Thank you.
AMY: Martha.
1305
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:18,891
Oh, my God.
MARTHA: Good, right?
1306
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,405
I'm cumming.
1307
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,721
AMY: Oh, my God.
What's in this?
1308
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,565
Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin...
1309
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,642
Mmm.
...and a shitload of vodka.
1310
00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:29,081
(CHUCKLES)
1311
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,321
They're delicious.
1312
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,607
I start my day with six of these.
1313
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:34,211
(ALL LAUGHING)
1314
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,482
Drink! Drink!
1315
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,291
Drink! Drink! Drink!
1316
00:58:00,360 --> 00:58:01,361
(LAUGHING)
1317
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,680
Whoo!
1318
00:58:36,360 --> 00:58:37,361
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1319
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:40,241
Whoo!
(CHEERING)
1320
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,090
Holy shit.
1321
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:24,209
Is that Jennifer
Noonan peeing
behind that car?
1322
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:25,520
STACY: Oh, my goodness.
1323
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,762
VICKY: This party
looks awesome!
1324
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:29,446
I need to go to this party.
1325
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:30,646
What? Vicky!
Whoo!
1326
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,687
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.
1327
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:37,287
I know it's a school night,
so we're just gonna
get right down to it.
1328
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,962
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...
1329
00:59:42,440 --> 00:59:43,521
(ALL CHEERING)
1330
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,961
Amy Mitchell!
1331
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:50,970
Yes!
1332
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,205
First of all, I just wanna say this,
1333
00:59:56,320 --> 01:00:00,803
that I think that we,
as moms,
do way too much stuff.
1334
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:06,645
And if I'm elected,
I promise you
we are gonna do way less.
1335
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:07,881
Whoo!
1336
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,289
Right? Less PTA meetings,
less luncheons,
less fuckin' bake sales,
1337
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:14,442
just less bullshit!
1338
01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,766
(ALL CHEERING)
1339
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,286
AMY:
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1340
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,203
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.
1341
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:23,682
Come on, now, school
starts way too fucking
early, okay?
1342
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,330
God, and they have way too much homework.
1343
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,401
I mean, our kids don't even have time
1344
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,970
to be kids anymore, am I right?
1345
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:29,605
(ALL AGREEING)
1346
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,687
And what is up with these
five standardized tests
a week?
1347
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,929
We should not be
teaching our kids
how to be good test-takers.
1348
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,731
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!
1349
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,602
What is a standardized test?
1350
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:46,287
So, if you're a mom
who's overworked,
overstressed,
1351
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:50,206
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...
1352
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:51,681
ALL: Yes!
1353
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,965
Then just vote for me.
1354
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,730
(ALL CHEERING)
1355
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,922
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!
1356
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:05,644
This basic bitch right here,
1357
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:07,085
she's gonna win the election.
1358
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:09,210
No, she's not.
1359
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,846
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.
1360
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,563
You're gonna punch her in the vagina?
1361
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,484
I literally don't know
why we hang out
with you anymore.
1362
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,886
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?
1363
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,406
They end at exactly
11:00.
1364
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:33,481
(CHUCKLES)
1365
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,246
I made out with so many women tonight.
1366
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,528
I know.
KIKI: Guys...
1367
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,561
I really like whippets.
1368
01:01:41,640 --> 01:01:42,641
(LAUGHING)
1369
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:43,921
Hello?
1370
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:48,090
Wow. Hey.
1371
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:50,845
What are you doing here?
1372
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,324
Well, you kind of booty texted me.
1373
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:56,721
Uh...
1374
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,369
What?
It was a great party,
Am. So, uh...
1375
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,091
Okay.
You got
all this, right?
1376
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:04,083
Hi, Jessie.
I really like
your clothes.
1377
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,446
That was odd.
1378
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:08,041
(INAUDIBLE)
(CHUCKLES)
I'm so sorry.
1379
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:10,561
Um...
1380
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:15,884
I actually think Carla
may have booty texted you
off my phone.
1381
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,327
Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay, that makes sense
1382
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:21,529
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.
1383
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,523
Sorry.
It's okay.
1384
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,964
Um, I don't know.
1385
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:28,441
Should I leave?
1386
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:31,881
No.
1387
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:37,000
Uh...
1388
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,528
I was really hoping you'd say that.
1389
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,724
So what exactly did Carla text you?
1390
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:55,160
Why don't I show you?
1391
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:56,640
(GASPS) Oh.
1392
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,447
Okay.
1393
01:03:02,240 --> 01:03:03,241
(GASPS)
1394
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,565
Oh, yes!
1395
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,361
(BOTH MOAN)
1396
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,685
AMY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(JESSIE PANTING)
1397
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,005
Oh, that was...
1398
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,849
Unbelievable.
I can't...
1399
01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:24,401
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
1400
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:25,761
What was that...
Wow.
1401
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:27,285
That thing you did at the end?
1402
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,204
(LAUGHS)
I don't know.
1403
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,442
I kind of came up with it in the moment.
1404
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:32,567
Was it okay?
1405
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,364
Oh, my God,
it was amazing!
Yeah?
1406
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:36,926
That was by far
the best I've ever had.
Oh, God.
1407
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,451
Oh, I was so worried.
1408
01:03:38,520 --> 01:03:40,170
You know, it's been
awhile since
I've done this.
1409
01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:42,603
I think I got pregnant.
(LAUGHS)
1410
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,251
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.
1411
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,250
Hi, yeah.
Can I go down
on you again?
1412
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,443
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
1413
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:51,646
Cool.
Okay.
1414
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,529
Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God.
1415
01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,569
Okay.
All right.
1416
01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:56,681
Oh.
Mmm.
1417
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,043
(GASPS) Oh.
1418
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,884
Oh, look at you go.
1419
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,050
VICKY: God,
it's dark in here.
1420
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,564
(WHISPERING) God.
I still don't understand
what we're doing.
1421
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:15,246
Stop it.
You guys never
tell me what we're...
1422
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,922
GWENDOLYN:
Vicky, why are you
so fuckin' stupid?
1423
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:30,927
I like to start by saying
that every marriage
is savable.
1424
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,361
You just need two people
who are willing
to work at it.
1425
01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:34,761
Okay?
1426
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,090
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other
1427
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:41,926
and say three things
that you like
about each other.
1428
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,041
Mike?
1429
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,044
Can I go second?
Okay. Yeah, sure.
1430
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,930
Uh, Amy?
1431
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,768
Okay, uh, Mike,
I like that you
gave me my children.
1432
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,680
Uh, I like that you
pick them up
from school sometimes.
1433
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,127
It's actually really helpful.
1434
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:04,725
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.
1435
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,448
Okay, Mike. Your turn.
MIKE: Okay.
1436
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,400
I like your spaghetti.
1437
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,848
And you make pretty good calzone.
1438
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:16,961
Was that three?
1439
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,921
That was like one and then 1A.
1440
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,801
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.
1441
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,927
All right, Amy,
I want you to
pretend to be Mike,
1442
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:32,723
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.
1443
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,248
Okay? And now
I just want you to
1444
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,687
just tell me about your day.
1445
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,211
(IN FALSETTO)
Hi, I'm Amy.
1446
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,805
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face
1447
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:49,403
and talk, talk, talk, talk.
1448
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,606
Okay. Uh...
1449
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,608
Amy, would you like to...
Yes, I would!
1450
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:57,884
Hey, I'm Mike.
1451
01:05:58,320 --> 01:05:59,321
Um...
1452
01:05:59,440 --> 01:06:00,885
My life is awesome
1453
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:04,169
because my wife takes care
of everything
in the world for me.
1454
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,282
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!
1455
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,930
She's a perfectionist.
1456
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,161
So what's the point of even trying, okay?
1457
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:10,327
How is that a problem?
1458
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,925
And she hasn't given me a blowie
1459
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,604
since my birthday five years ago!
1460
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,489
Are you fucking
kidding me?
Which is so not cool!
1461
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:16,800
Hold on one second!
1462
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,166
You want a blowie?
1463
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,289
Maybe if you
cleaned the kitchen,
made the kids dinner,
1464
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:23,761
cared for someone other than yourself,
1465
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:24,921
I would give you so many blowies
1466
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,451
your fuckin' dick would explode.
1467
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,602
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.
1468
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:31,570
Oh, my God,
I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.
1469
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,641
I'm...
1470
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,885
Mike, I...
1471
01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:36,450
I don't love you anymore.
1472
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,046
I'm so sorry, but I just don't.
1473
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:41,686
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.
1474
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:46,561
That is exactly how I feel.
1475
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,361
Okay...
1476
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:58,250
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?
1477
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,328
Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
1478
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:05,404
So what do you think we should do?
1479
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,242
Well, as a therapist,
I'm not allowed
to tell you what to do,
1480
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:13,684
but as a human being
with two fuckin' eyes
in my head,
1481
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,930
yeah, I think you
should get divorced
as soon as possible.
1482
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,524
This is some catastrophic shit.
1483
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:45,645
I think it's for the best.
1484
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:47,606
Yeah. Me too.
1485
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:52,441
Can I give you a hug?
1486
01:07:56,600 --> 01:07:59,809
Mike. I'm so sorry.
1487
01:08:02,520 --> 01:08:03,806
I'm sorry, too.
1488
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:05,321
Mmm.
1489
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,247
You gotta watch out for you first.
1490
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,290
Dale, why is there
a security guard
in my office?
1491
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,851
Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,
1492
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,491
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.
1493
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,050
Are you firing me?
1494
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:23,203
Yuck. Okay,
that's not my word.
I don't like that word.
1495
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:24,321
But, yes, I'm firing you.
1496
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:25,441
Why?
1497
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,284
Well, you quit coming to the office.
1498
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:30,489
Okay, maybe I've been
slacking off
a little bit, but...
1499
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,324
Tessa took two weeks off
when Jon Snow died
on Game of Thrones,
1500
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:35,447
and he's not even a real person.
1501
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,126
To be fair,
we all took two weeks off
when Jon Snow died.
1502
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,282
You're the only person
that didn't
take two weeks off.
1503
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,206
But as a token of appreciation
1504
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,645
for your six years with the company,
1505
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,609
I got you a very special gift.
1506
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:50,205
You got me
the four-ounce bag?
1507
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:51,964
Couldn't even splurge for the eight?
1508
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:53,445
(SHRIEKS)
1509
01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:00,481
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1510
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,401
What?
1511
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,330
PRINCIPAL BURR: Ms. Mitchell,
this is Principal Burr.
We need you to come in.
1512
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,323
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,
1513
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:12,165
and I'm very sorry,
Principal, for how
I answered the phone.
1514
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:17,010
I'm sorry.
You found what?
1515
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:20,289
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.
1516
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:23,011
Now, it looks like
Sour Diesel or
a little Afghan Kush.
1517
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,242
That's impossible.
She's only 12.
1518
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,045
It happens.
Snoop been smokin'
since he was five.
1519
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,321
Those aren't mine.
1520
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,323
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.
1521
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,640
Baby, I believe you.
1522
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,722
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?
1523
01:09:34,840 --> 01:09:38,003
We were tipped off by a concerned parent.
1524
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,329
Wait a minute.
1525
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,846
Was this
concerned parent's name
Gwendolyn James?
1526
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,127
Hey, listen, I don't
know nothin' about
Gwendolyn James, all right?
1527
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:46,287
That woman scares me.
1528
01:09:46,360 --> 01:09:49,842
What I do know
is this school is
a zero-tolerance school,
1529
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,160
so that means that your daughter's banned
1530
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,890
from all extra-curricular
activities.
1531
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,161
What does that mean?
1532
01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:55,765
That means you're off the soccer team.
1533
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:57,126
What?
1534
01:09:58,200 --> 01:10:00,282
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.
1535
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:03,080
Honey, baby, hold on.
1536
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,967
That little girl rolls a real tight jay.
1537
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:09,690
This is all your fault.
1538
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,444
Why did you mess with Gwendolyn James?
1539
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,324
AMY: Sweetie,
I am so sorry.
1540
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,289
Honey, please, I didn't mean for this.
1541
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,204
Yes, you did mean to, Mom!
1542
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:20,365
You were sick of being a mom, so you quit
1543
01:10:20,440 --> 01:10:21,805
and you started partying
1544
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,848
with your weird, new friends,
1545
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,048
and blowing off work, and, oh, yeah,
1546
01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,249
having sex with Lori Harkness' dad.
1547
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,761
So gross!
1548
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:32,969
Honey, I know that you're mad.
1549
01:10:33,080 --> 01:10:35,367
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.
1550
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,603
You are so selfish
and it frigging
sucks, okay?
1551
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,690
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Tell me, how can I
make this better?
1552
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,922
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.
1553
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:45,490
Even he's a better parent than you.
1554
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,001
(SIGHS)
1555
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:55,526
Oh, my God.
1556
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:59,051
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?
1557
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,203
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.
1558
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:03,970
What? No way!
Yeah.
1559
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:07,245
Look, I am not blaming
Amy Mitchell. I mean,
my God, I would never...
1560
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,687
Of course.
...ever judge
another mother,
1561
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,087
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,
1562
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:16,563
do we want someone
who is that reckless
and irresponsible
1563
01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,328
and mentally unhinged
alcoholic to be president
of the PTA?
1564
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:23,407
I don't know.
1565
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,848
You know what?
I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.
1566
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,689
Oh, God.
Foreigners.
1567
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:30,808
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray
1568
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,089
that Amy's little
crackhead daughter
gets the help she needs.
1569
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:36,041
(INAUDIBLE)
1570
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,485
Mike, if Janey needs anything,
1571
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:42,767
and I mean anything, just please call me.
1572
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,127
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.
1573
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,851
They got
an indoor-outdoor pool,
room service,
1574
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:48,967
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.
1575
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:50,883
You're staying at the Waldorf?
1576
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,725
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.
1577
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,325
It's a safe hotel.
1578
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,370
Wait, bye, angel!
Have so much
fun with Daddy!
1579
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:00,850
Can I get a hug?
1580
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,965
No? Okay. Okay.
1581
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,927
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?
1582
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,321
Dylan, you know the hotel has TVs.
1583
01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:13,209
You don't have to bring your own.
1584
01:12:13,320 --> 01:12:14,321
(ROSCOE WHINES)
1585
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,643
Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.
1586
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,246
Oh, the Waldorf's
dog-friendly,
so don't worry.
1587
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,691
Yeah. So.
1588
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:24,410
Mike, please go.
Yeah.
1589
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,366
Bye, kids.
1590
01:12:32,840 --> 01:12:33,841
(SIGHS)
1591
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:08,370
PRINCIPAL BURR: Welcome to
the annual PTA election.
1592
01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:11,881
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1593
01:14:13,320 --> 01:14:15,926
We will start with
the candidates' statements,
1594
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,480
and since only one bothered to show up,
1595
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:20,491
she will go first.
1596
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,325
Gwendolyn, you have five minutes.
1597
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:28,162
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.
1598
01:14:29,000 --> 01:14:30,923
(MAN SCREAMING
ON TV)
1599
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,807
God, this movie's depressing.
1600
01:14:38,320 --> 01:14:39,606
(KNOCKING)
CARLA: Amy! Amy,
I'm sorry we're late.
1601
01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:41,011
Oh, my God!
It's Kiki's fault.
1602
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:42,127
Sorry we're late, honey.
So sorry.
1603
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,247
I had to pee.
1604
01:14:43,360 --> 01:14:44,486
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?
1605
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,641
What's going on?
1606
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,051
What are you talking about?
1607
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,243
What are you...
It's the PTA election.
1608
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,204
Oh, my God, no.
Sorry, I'm not
going to that.
1609
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:53,731
What? Why not?
1610
01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:55,450
Oh, I don't know.
1611
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,286
Maybe because my
husband left me,
my kids left me.
1612
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:01,203
My fucking dog left me.
1613
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:03,448
All the moms in school hate me,
1614
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:07,849
and I am a complete
and utter failure
as a mother.
1615
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,127
First of all, you are
so not a failure
as a mother.
1616
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,965
In fact,
you're the best mother
that we've ever seen.
1617
01:15:13,040 --> 01:15:14,041
True that.
1618
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,128
You give your kids salad.
1619
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,242
You remember your kids' birthdays.
1620
01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,927
I mean, I sat here and watched you wait
1621
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,606
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.
1622
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:26,251
Most moms do that, Carla.
1623
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:28,001
(WHISPERS)
That's most moms, yeah.
1624
01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,721
Well, whatever.
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen you do.
1625
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:32,961
You've quit trying.
1626
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,570
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!
1627
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:38,001
No! Quitting
is for dads!
1628
01:15:38,080 --> 01:15:39,081
Uh...
1629
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,081
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,
1630
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:43,241
us moms, we have to just...
1631
01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:45,770
We have to just
keep going.
Mmm-hmm.
1632
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,371
And do you know why?
1633
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:49,244
Because we have
low self-esteem.
1634
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,169
No. No, no.
1635
01:15:51,920 --> 01:15:54,048
It's because we love our kids.
1636
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:55,360
It's because we love our stupid,
1637
01:15:55,440 --> 01:15:57,841
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!
1638
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:58,887
That's why.
1639
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:01,691
We love 'em so much that we would do...
1640
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:03,885
Literally anything for them.
1641
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:06,409
You guys, I can't win the election.
1642
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,481
Oh, my God!
Amy!
1643
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:09,164
Amy!
This is not
about the election.
1644
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,241
Amy, sit up.
1645
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:12,004
This is about standing up to the bitch
1646
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:13,809
that hurt your little girl!
1647
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:18,085
Now, are you gonna sit here
and let Gwendolyn get
away with this shit?
1648
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:19,924
Don't do it, Amy.
Fuck that!
1649
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:21,240
Fuck it!
1650
01:16:21,680 --> 01:16:25,890
You are gonna rise up
like a small, little
white Apollo Creed
1651
01:16:26,560 --> 01:16:28,528
and you are gonna
look at Gwendolyn
and you are gonna say,
1652
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,530
"You can do what
you want to me,
I don't care,
1653
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:31,647
"throw it at me,
1654
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:34,001
"but you fucked with my daughter,
1655
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,531
"and now I have to fight you.
1656
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,642
"I will fight you in the playground.
1657
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,802
"I will fight you in the cafeteria.
1658
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:45,486
"I will even fight you
in the parking
lot of Trader Joe's.
1659
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,491
"But I will have
justice for
my little girl,
1660
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,564
"because I am a fucking mom.
1661
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,169
"And we protect
our young."
1662
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:02,927
So get up off this couch,
1663
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:05,970
turn off 12 Years a Slave
1664
01:17:06,040 --> 01:17:08,042
and let's body slam this bitch.
1665
01:17:11,560 --> 01:17:13,608
KIKI:
Come on, Amy.
Come on,
1666
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:14,966
get those tits up.
1667
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:16,690
Get 'em up.
Get 'em up.
1668
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,569
Get your boobs up.
Get those tits right up.
1669
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,762
I'm gonna get
my tits up.
Get your tits up!
1670
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:22,530
They're getting up,
you guys.
They're getting up.
1671
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:24,085
I can see it.
Guys, my tits
are gettin' up.
1672
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,282
They're getting up.
They're getting up.
That's it.
1673
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:27,805
They are up!
1674
01:17:35,680 --> 01:17:36,681
(CARLA WHOOPING)
1675
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:39,045
Go, go, go, go!
1676
01:17:39,600 --> 01:17:40,840
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1677
01:17:40,920 --> 01:17:42,809
(ALL SCREAMING)
1678
01:17:45,080 --> 01:17:46,081
Oh, my God.
1679
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,766
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.
1680
01:17:54,840 --> 01:17:56,524
This is a one-way street!
1681
01:17:58,360 --> 01:17:59,486
Move out of the way!
1682
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:02,689
We're on our way
to a PTA meeting,
motherfuckers!
1683
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,120
Oh, my God, there's a truck!
1684
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,323
Truck! Truck! Truck!
Oh, my God!
1685
01:18:06,600 --> 01:18:07,681
(HONKING)
1686
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:12,366
Oh, my God.
1687
01:18:12,560 --> 01:18:13,721
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
1688
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,406
Oh, shit.
Oh, fun.
Kent is calling.
1689
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,240
Hi, honey.
KENT: Kiki.
1690
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,649
(CRYING)
The kids are going insane.
1691
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,882
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.
1692
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,164
But I can't come home.
1693
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,971
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.
1694
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:30,247
No, no, no, no.
I said come home now,
damn it!
1695
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:34,841
And I said,
1696
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:38,845
"I'm going to
the fucking PTA meeting
with my fucking friends,"
1697
01:18:38,920 --> 01:18:41,890
so stop being
such a goddamn pussy
and make it work!
1698
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,891
Kiki. Kiki...
1699
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:48,001
(SCREAMS)
1700
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:49,686
That was very exciting.
1701
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,524
How good did that feel?
That felt good, didn't it?
1702
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:53,443
It's very exciting!
Yes!
1703
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,562
It's very exciting!
(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)
1704
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,204
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others
1705
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,169
that I laid out for you today
1706
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,766
that I humbly ask for your vote.
1707
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,283
All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.
1708
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,647
Uh, well...
Sorry I'm late!
1709
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:20,084
Actually, you're
just in time to give
your candidate statement.
1710
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,366
What's a candidate statement?
1711
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:22,811
KIKI: Oh, I think
that's like a speech.
1712
01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:25,047
You got one of those,
right, honey?
What are you talking about?
1713
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,407
You don't have a speech?
(SOFTLY) Of course not!
1714
01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:28,641
It's all good.
1715
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,040
She's got a great speech.
1716
01:19:31,400 --> 01:19:33,448
AMY: I'm not good at
this public speaking.
1717
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,485
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.
1718
01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:39,047
(EXHALES)
1719
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:43,841
Okay.
1720
01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:49,328
Wow, there's a lot of you.
1721
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:50,765
Introduce yourself.
1722
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,445
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.
1723
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,289
Good.
1724
01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:57,885
And I'm running for PTA president.
1725
01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:00,681
(WOMAN COUGHING)
1726
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:02,207
You're doing great.
1727
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:04,241
Just 'cause they're not responding
1728
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:06,010
doesn't mean they think you're terrible.
1729
01:20:10,440 --> 01:20:11,805
You know...
1730
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,091
I know there's a lot of
rumors going around
about my daughter.
1731
01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:17,201
(WOMEN MURMURING)
1732
01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:18,920
That's a bad place to start.
1733
01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:21,771
And I'm guessing
a lot of you think
that I'm a bad mom.
1734
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:22,887
Yes.
1735
01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:26,089
No, no. No,
you know what?
You're right.
1736
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,285
Sometimes, I'm too lenient with my kids.
1737
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,203
Sometimes, I'm too strict.
1738
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,964
Well, we overestimated her, obviously.
1739
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:34,246
Sometimes, I'm so crazy
1740
01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:35,651
that I don't even understand the words
1741
01:20:35,720 --> 01:20:37,210
that are coming out of my mouth.
1742
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:42,891
You see, what works
for my daughter almost
never works for my son.
1743
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:48,327
And whenever I think
I'm actually starting
to figure my kids out,
1744
01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:52,284
they grow up and I'm back to square one.
1745
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:56,689
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,
1746
01:20:57,560 --> 01:20:58,561
(CHUCKLES)
1747
01:20:58,640 --> 01:21:00,768
I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.
1748
01:21:00,880 --> 01:21:02,325
(ALL LAUGH)
1749
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,570
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.
1750
01:21:05,680 --> 01:21:08,331
I think we're all
bad moms,
and you know why?
1751
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:13,886
Because being a mom today is impossible!
1752
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,648
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.
1753
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,848
She's doing great.
She's a natural.
1754
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,925
So can we all just
please stop pretending
like we have it figured out
1755
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:28,048
and stop judging each other for once?
1756
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:31,731
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...
1757
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:34,610
Because I want our school to be a place
1758
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,206
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,
1759
01:21:37,280 --> 01:21:39,442
where you're being judged
on how hard you work
1760
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,171
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.
1761
01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:43,605
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
1762
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:47,521
Yeah!
Yeah!
1763
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,207
I want our school
to be a place where it's okay
to be a bad mom.
1764
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:52,725
Do you know what I mean?
1765
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,971
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.
1766
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,881
That's okay! Listen,
we've all been there.
(ALL CLAPPING)
1767
01:21:58,960 --> 01:22:03,682
I confiscated my son's weed
and then I smoked
the shit out of it!
1768
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,684
(YELLS)
What's your number?
1769
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:09,445
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night
1770
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:10,885
so I can watch The Voice.
1771
01:22:11,480 --> 01:22:12,481
(LAUGHS)
1772
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,048
I can't tell my twins apart!
1773
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,248
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.
1774
01:22:17,320 --> 01:22:19,209
I drink margaritas for breakfast.
1775
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,487
I threw my son's violin in the garbage.
1776
01:22:21,800 --> 01:22:23,404
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
1777
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,168
Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.
1778
01:22:27,240 --> 01:22:29,891
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.
1779
01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:31,166
Wait, really?
(WOMEN GASP AND CHEER)
1780
01:22:32,320 --> 01:22:33,321
(WHOOPING)
1781
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:34,970
Yeah, you do!
1782
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:36,446
I don't even have kids!
1783
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:39,000
I just come to
PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.
1784
01:22:39,160 --> 01:22:40,605
CROWD: Aw.
(APPLAUSE)
1785
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:43,841
AMY: Here's the thing.
1786
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:45,731
If you're a perfect mom
1787
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,406
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,
1788
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:51,165
well, then, you should
probably vote
for Gwendolyn,
1789
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:53,368
'cause she's amazing.
1790
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,521
Yes.
1791
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:56,762
But if you're a bad mom like me
1792
01:22:56,840 --> 01:22:59,002
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,
1793
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:02,724
or you're just
sick of being judged
all the time...
1794
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:06,530
Then please vote for me.
1795
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:09,211
Thank you.
(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
1796
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:12,971
Oh, my God!
1797
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,331
Are you kidding me?
1798
01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:35,486
Yes!
1799
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,686
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1800
01:23:36,760 --> 01:23:39,525
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!
1801
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:48,881
ALL: (CHANTING)
Amy! Amy! Amy!
1802
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,646
Oh, mama.
1803
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,722
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!
1804
01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,571
I still can't believe
you won.
I know!
1805
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,041
Oh, I'm so happy
you guys dragged me
out of the house.
1806
01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:00,961
Oh, sweetheart,
I didn't doubt you
for a second.
1807
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:03,646
Oh, God, you know, I forgot what it was
1808
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:04,846
like to have real friends,
1809
01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:07,287
like, true friends.
1810
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:08,327
I know.
1811
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:11,688
Before you guys,
my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.
1812
01:24:11,840 --> 01:24:12,921
(LAUGHS)
1813
01:24:13,520 --> 01:24:15,124
You're pretty much the first bitches
1814
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:17,282
to ever talk to me at this school, so...
1815
01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,290
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.
1816
01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:21,930
Me too.
Me three.
1817
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,048
Let's hug for a really long time.
1818
01:24:24,160 --> 01:24:26,561
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.
1819
01:24:27,040 --> 01:24:28,201
(KIKI LAUGHS)
1820
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:31,001
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING
OVER CAR STEREO)
(GWENDOLYN SOBBING)
1821
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,201
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?
1822
01:24:35,440 --> 01:24:37,249
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, honey. Sure.
1823
01:24:37,320 --> 01:24:38,526
Okay.
Sure, take a minute.
1824
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:39,886
Digest it.
Thanks.
1825
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,245
What, did you come
to gloat? (SNIFFLES)
1826
01:24:56,360 --> 01:24:58,647
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.
1827
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,604
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
1828
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,564
Okay. I don't wanna
bother you.
No, I'm good.
1829
01:25:04,640 --> 01:25:06,483
It's just that the PTA
1830
01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:10,643
was the only good
thing in my life and
now I've lost that, too.
1831
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,527
Come on, Gwendolyn, your life is awesome.
1832
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:16,487
You have, like, three boats.
1833
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:19,006
I have four boats.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
1834
01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:24,248
But, no... (SCOFFS)
My life is so not awesome.
1835
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,242
Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?
1836
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:28,321
Oh, God.
1837
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:30,690
Okay, well,
1838
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,249
for starters...
(SNIFFLES)
1839
01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,085
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling
1840
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,481
$100 million from a children's charity.
1841
01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:41,921
(VOICE BREAKING)
And I have night terrors.
1842
01:25:42,000 --> 01:25:46,050
And I have to take
Vicodin every 20 minutes,
and I'm not even in any pain.
1843
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,528
I'm just addicted to them now.
1844
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:49,761
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law
1845
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:52,241
just joined ISIS, and he's a Jew!
1846
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:56,885
Oh, and also, my DVR
just stopped recording
Castle.
1847
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,246
Just out of nowhere.
1848
01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:01,210
Like, how the fuck does that even happen?
1849
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,851
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,
1850
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,641
so, yeah, it's awesome.
1851
01:26:08,720 --> 01:26:10,051
It's just awesome.
1852
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:11,361
Wow.
1853
01:26:11,440 --> 01:26:14,410
I had no idea.
Yeah.
1854
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:18,250
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.
1855
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,286
Hey,
1856
01:26:25,360 --> 01:26:27,966
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.
1857
01:26:28,640 --> 01:26:31,849
I promise you I will
get her back on
the soccer team, all right?
1858
01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,410
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.
1859
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:39,884
Yeah.
Even for me.
1860
01:26:40,440 --> 01:26:42,681
Listen, we're all bad moms, right?
1861
01:26:42,800 --> 01:26:43,881
Yeah.
1862
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:46,803
That was
literally the only thing
you said tonight
1863
01:26:46,880 --> 01:26:48,211
that made any fuckin' sense.
1864
01:26:48,280 --> 01:26:49,486
(LAUGHS)
1865
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,161
Bye.
1866
01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,367
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?
1867
01:27:12,440 --> 01:27:13,566
Yeah.
1868
01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:17,361
Look, I just wanna say
1869
01:27:17,440 --> 01:27:19,488
I'm really sorry
for how I've been
acting lately.
1870
01:27:19,600 --> 01:27:22,251
Oh, it's fine.
Yeah, it's just
menopause, right?
1871
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,488
(CHUCKLES) No.
It's not menopause.
1872
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:26,642
And I'm sorry for acting so crazy
1873
01:27:26,760 --> 01:27:27,886
about the whole soccer thing.
1874
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,642
I'm really trying to chill out more.
1875
01:27:30,720 --> 01:27:32,848
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?
1876
01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:35,050
I got you back on the soccer team.
1877
01:27:35,120 --> 01:27:36,849
Shut up!
Shut up.
1878
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:39,048
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.
1879
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:40,531
Thank you so much, Mom.
(CHUCKLES)
1880
01:27:41,440 --> 01:27:42,930
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.
1881
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:45,841
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.
1882
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:47,490
You're amazing kids.
1883
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:51,289
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.
1884
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,201
Oh.
1885
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:54,926
My babies.
1886
01:27:55,040 --> 01:27:56,041
(OVEN DINGS)
Oh...
1887
01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,645
I almost forgot!
Where is he going?
1888
01:27:58,440 --> 01:27:59,646
Why is he touching the oven?
1889
01:28:02,640 --> 01:28:04,210
DYLAN: I made a frittata.
1890
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:08,401
Did you just say "frittata"?
1891
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:10,005
You said you weren't
gonna cook for us
anymore,
1892
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:11,809
so I taught myself how to cook.
1893
01:28:12,800 --> 01:28:16,282
Oh, honey, I'm so
proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.
1894
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,169
I love you.
Okay, okay,
all right, all right.
1895
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:19,651
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
1896
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,721
All right, okay, let go.
1897
01:28:20,840 --> 01:28:22,604
Okay.
I gotta go
do my homework.
1898
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,600
Who are you?
1899
01:28:25,680 --> 01:28:26,681
(SONG PLAYING)
1900
01:28:28,920 --> 01:28:30,684
I said, "You're holding back"
1901
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:33,366
She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!"
1902
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:36,011
This woman is my destiny
1903
01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:40,888
She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me!"
1904
01:28:41,200 --> 01:28:42,850
(LAUGHS)
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
1905
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:45,960
Oh, hold on.
Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.
1906
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,444
Hello, this is Amy.
1907
01:28:48,520 --> 01:28:49,646
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.
1908
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,606
The company is
falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?
1909
01:28:52,960 --> 01:28:54,769
I will give you whatever you want.
1910
01:28:55,240 --> 01:28:56,924
Whatever?
Whatever I want?
1911
01:28:57,000 --> 01:28:58,411
Yes! Yes! Anything.
1912
01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:03,084
Okay, um, well, I wanna double my pay.
1913
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:07,606
I wanna work from home two days a week.
1914
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,329
Oh, and I wanna hire
three women over
the age of 12
1915
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:13,765
to fill out my team.
1916
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:16,207
Okay, okay, fine.
Anything you want.
Can you start today?
1917
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:18,169
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.
1918
01:29:18,240 --> 01:29:20,561
I'll start sometime
next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
1919
01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:23,481
(SCREAMS)
1920
01:29:33,960 --> 01:29:35,041
Come here.
Love you.
1921
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:37,000
Great day at school.
Love you, Mom.
1922
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,401
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?
1923
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:40,925
Okay.
Be amazing. Be awesome.
1924
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:42,921
Love you!
1925
01:29:44,440 --> 01:29:45,487
(SIGHS)
1926
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:49,611
When did they get so big?
1927
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:51,846
I don't know.
1928
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:57,000
Hey, what would happen
if I came over
Friday night,
1929
01:29:57,120 --> 01:29:58,326
brought a great bottle of wine,
1930
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:59,686
you know, made you a nice dinner,
1931
01:29:59,760 --> 01:30:02,161
maybe ran you a hot bath
and someone just
took care of you...
1932
01:30:02,240 --> 01:30:04,322
I love you.
...for a change?
1933
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,970
What did you just say?
What?
1934
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,530
What was that?
I said nothing.
1935
01:30:07,600 --> 01:30:09,921
You said nothing.
I meant to say that I...
1936
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,207
God, I would love that.
I would love that.
1937
01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:13,845
Great.
Yeah.
1938
01:30:15,320 --> 01:30:16,924
I'll see you Friday.
Okay.
1939
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,891
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?
1940
01:30:28,720 --> 01:30:29,881
VICKY: Hey, how's it going?
1941
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:31,928
I'm doing amazing.
1942
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,446
I slept in late,
skipped my workout,
had, like, four donuts.
1943
01:30:36,520 --> 01:30:37,646
I told these kids,
1944
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,722
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."
1945
01:30:39,800 --> 01:30:42,610
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me
this morning.
1946
01:30:42,960 --> 01:30:44,883
Oh.
I've never felt better.
1947
01:30:45,080 --> 01:30:46,081
Wow.
1948
01:30:46,160 --> 01:30:47,321
Yeah.
1949
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,161
Hi!
1950
01:30:57,280 --> 01:30:59,009
Did you remember Maddie's backpack?
1951
01:30:59,760 --> 01:31:00,841
(SIGHS)
1952
01:31:01,160 --> 01:31:03,640
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.
1953
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:05,643
Okay, well,
let's go get it, dude.
Right?
1954
01:31:05,720 --> 01:31:06,721
Chop-chop.
1955
01:31:06,800 --> 01:31:08,450
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.
1956
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:09,851
It's not gonna grab itself.
1957
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,846
Hey, Jackson.
1958
01:31:17,200 --> 01:31:18,611
I, uh...
1959
01:31:18,680 --> 01:31:20,728
I made you lunch today.
1960
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:22,848
It's a hummus wrap with some kale.
1961
01:31:23,080 --> 01:31:24,081
Gross!
1962
01:31:24,160 --> 01:31:25,446
Yeah, I know,
it sounds totally disgusting,
1963
01:31:25,520 --> 01:31:28,410
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...
1964
01:31:28,480 --> 01:31:30,005
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.
1965
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:33,283
For real?
I'm gonna stay
the whole stupid game.
1966
01:31:33,520 --> 01:31:34,521
Mmm-hmm.
1967
01:31:34,920 --> 01:31:36,160
Because...
1968
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,526
I love you.
1969
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:41,886
And stuff.
1970
01:31:44,120 --> 01:31:45,121
CARLA: Oh.
1971
01:31:58,480 --> 01:31:59,481
(SIGHS)
1972
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:02,166
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.
1973
01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,570
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?
1974
01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:06,846
What should we do today?
1975
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:08,365
How about we go to brunch?
1976
01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:09,481
Mmm.
1977
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:10,800
Oh, how about we go to Color Me Mine
1978
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:12,331
and make each other salad bowls?
1979
01:32:12,400 --> 01:32:13,640
I love it.
Oh, I got an idea.
1980
01:32:13,720 --> 01:32:15,722
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?
1981
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,891
Hey, bitches! Get in.
1982
01:32:31,240 --> 01:32:32,446
Wait.
1983
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:36,050
Holy shit.
Wait. Wait.
Wait. Is that...
1984
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:38,847
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,
1985
01:32:38,920 --> 01:32:40,922
so where do you guys wanna go, huh?
1986
01:32:43,280 --> 01:32:45,521
You know what?
Gwendolyn's starting
to grow on me, guys.
1987
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:47,967
I'm not gonna lie to you.
I think she's
a really good person.
1988
01:32:48,080 --> 01:32:49,570
Come on, come on!
Very generous.
1989
01:32:49,960 --> 01:32:51,325
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
1990
01:33:05,400 --> 01:33:08,643
My role as a mother
was so hit-and-miss.
(LAUGHS)
1991
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,808
I was a little looser,
but too loose
in many ways.
1992
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:14,166
I would give her whiskey.
1993
01:33:14,800 --> 01:33:15,801
(LAUGHS)
1994
01:33:16,240 --> 01:33:18,766
We left the country
when she was
seven years old.
1995
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,481
My mom kept telling me
that we were
moving up the street.
1996
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:24,564
And then we flew to L.A.
1997
01:33:24,640 --> 01:33:26,130
My mother's a filthy liar.
1998
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:27,680
When I went into labor and stuff,
1999
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,489
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.
2000
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,210
I just asked for Demerol.
2001
01:33:31,280 --> 01:33:32,611
(LAUGHING)
2002
01:33:32,680 --> 01:33:34,648
I heard someone calling my name.
2003
01:33:34,720 --> 01:33:36,165
"Please come to
the service desk."
2004
01:33:36,240 --> 01:33:37,241
I thought,
"What's that?"
2005
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:38,810
And I looked around,
there was no Kathryn.
(GASPS)
2006
01:33:39,480 --> 01:33:41,403
She was three years old.
(LAUGHING)
I was three years old.
2007
01:33:41,480 --> 01:33:44,086
I'm thinking, oh, my God, that was bad!
2008
01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,844
When I was nine years old,
2009
01:33:46,480 --> 01:33:49,404
um, my mom
took me to see Cruising
in the theaters
2010
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:52,287
because she loved Al Pacino.
I loved Al Pacino.
2011
01:33:52,360 --> 01:33:54,283
Cruising is a movie about a man
2012
01:33:54,360 --> 01:33:57,728
investigating the
underworld of
S&M gay clubs
2013
01:33:58,080 --> 01:34:00,970
because there was
a man murdering men
after raping them.
2014
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:02,565
Al Pacino.
2015
01:34:02,640 --> 01:34:05,007
You do stupid things as a parent
2016
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:06,525
and you're like,
"Oh, they're fine,
they're fine,"
2017
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:07,840
and then you're in the hospital.
2018
01:34:07,920 --> 01:34:10,571
Yeah, of course
you lie to your kids,
of course you do,
2019
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:12,688
and you go
through their things.
You have to.
2020
01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,125
You go through my things?
2021
01:34:14,200 --> 01:34:16,726
Sometimes you have to make people happy,
2022
01:34:16,800 --> 01:34:18,643
to lie a little bit.
You know?
2023
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:21,081
Easter Bunny.
Tooth Fairy.
(CHUCKLES)
2024
01:34:21,160 --> 01:34:23,128
Food out for Santa Claus.
2025
01:34:23,200 --> 01:34:24,770
You had me clean the fireplace that year.
2026
01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,251
Yeah, well, that was a good idea anyway.
2027
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:27,731
Like a chimney sweep.
2028
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,491
I would just be all, you know, upset
2029
01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,206
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.
2030
01:34:33,280 --> 01:34:36,011
You know,
I was so angry one day,
and I said to her,
2031
01:34:36,080 --> 01:34:38,606
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."
2032
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:40,489
You told me to fuck off.
(SNORTS)
2033
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,847
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."
2034
01:34:42,920 --> 01:34:44,649
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.
2035
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:46,643
"I don't like you,
and the dog
doesn't like you."
2036
01:34:46,720 --> 01:34:47,721
(LAUGHING)
2037
01:34:47,880 --> 01:34:49,689
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
2038
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:53,324
I just really didn't have a clue about...
2039
01:34:53,400 --> 01:34:55,482
You were perfect.
(LAUGHS)
2040
01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:56,925
Yeah, it kind of worked out for her.
2041
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,048
It worked out perfectly.
2042
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,565
I had the best childhood.
2043
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:02,364
I loved my childhood.
2044
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:04,124
I had a very happy childhood.
2045
01:35:04,200 --> 01:35:05,565
And we would have the best days.
2046
01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:07,847
Yeah, it was absolutely like
some of the best
times of my life.
2047
01:35:07,920 --> 01:35:09,285
You were an amazing mom.
(LAUGHING)
2048
01:35:09,360 --> 01:35:11,169
Which is fine.
I feel good.
2049
01:35:11,240 --> 01:35:13,322
It's nuts
being a mom, guys.
(BLOWS NOSE)
2050
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:16,245
Raising kids is an amazing experience.
2051
01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:20,450
I did some mistakes,
but the end,
I can see it's not as bad.
2052
01:35:21,080 --> 01:35:23,208
They survived.
In spite of us.
2053
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,243
Now, thank goodness...
(LAUGHS)
2054
01:35:25,320 --> 01:35:29,644
You know, she turned out
to be the wonderful
woman that she is.
2055
01:35:29,720 --> 01:35:31,131
I think she's perfect.
2056
01:35:32,120 --> 01:35:35,681
The love that you had
when that kid was born,
2057
01:35:35,760 --> 01:35:37,808
that you didn't have...
(SNIFFLES)
2058
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:39,644
It is a miracle.
2059
01:35:39,720 --> 01:35:42,246
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,
2060
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,209
and I'm really proud of just her.
2061
01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:46,041
Mom.
Yeah.
2062
01:35:46,120 --> 01:35:48,691
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.
2063
01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:50,246
Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.
2064
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:52,402
So I think
she's the best mom
in the world,
2065
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:55,723
and I go, "I wish,
you know, I'd been
more like that."
2066
01:35:55,800 --> 01:35:56,801
Oh.
2067
01:35:56,880 --> 01:35:58,006
I love you.
I love you, hon.
2068
01:35:58,080 --> 01:35:59,127
I love you, Mommy.
2069
01:36:01,520 --> 01:36:02,521
(LAUGHING)
2070
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:03,601
Aw.
2071
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:05,364
You said it would be fun, Kathryn.
2072
01:36:05,800 --> 01:36:06,847
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
2073
01:36:06,920 --> 01:36:07,967
Don't touch my makeup.
2074
01:36:08,040 --> 01:36:09,371
See this shit?
(LAUGHING)
2074
01:36:10,305 --> 01:36:16,323
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